South Park s12e03 Episode Script

South Park - Season 12 Episode 3 "Major Boobage" M'kay, kids, we have something very serious we need to discuss today, m'kay? It appears that some kids are getting high by choking themselves.
Some kids call it "The Choking Game," m'kay but, but choking yourself is bad.
M'kay? Don't do that.
M'kay? You can get high from choking yourself? Schoolchildren are often experimenting with dangerous ways to get high, m'kay, like sniffing glue, guzzling cough medicine, huffing paint, m'kay? But they're all bad.
M'kay? My cousin's in Florida, and said kids in their school get high off of cat pee.
Cat pee? That's not true.
You can't get high off of cat urine, can you? Well, it's a it's not actually cat urine, but male cats, when they're marking their territory, spread concentrated urine to fend off other male cats and and that could get you really high.
M'kay? Really really high.
Okay? Probably shouldn't have told you that just now.
M'kay? That was probably bad.
All right, this should keep my cat in place while he spreads the urine.
Yes, poor Mr.
Kitty, are you just so upset right now? - You guys are wasting your time.
- Yeah, this is not gonna work.
Okay, ready Kenny? - All set.
- Alright.
Bring out the other male cat.
- Do you feel anything? - Well, Kenny? Are you buzzed? Hay cool! Check it out! I see that you're enticed by my daughter's awesome rocking tits.
Yeah! Then bathe with my daughter in the fountain of Varnov.
Appease the gods by lathering her boobs with soapy suds.
Okay.
Kenny! Kenny, wake up! Wake up, Kenny! You all right? - Kenny! - What? What's the matter? Dude, that cat urine really fucked you up.
- You were seriously tripping balls.
- Hey fuck you, Cartman! Agh Kenny! Knock it off! What's wrong with you? Ah, Kenny! Dude! Dude, Kenny, calm down! How can I calm down? You should've seen those titties.
- What titties? - The titties! They were incredible! Kenny, all you did after the cat peed in your face was start running around in circles cheering.
Yeah, then you ran through town screaming and started tearing off all your clothes.
I must touch them.
Dude, I don't think we should be messing around with that crap anymore.
Next on FOX News! It's the newest drug craze, and it's killing your kids! Killing our kids? All over America, kids are getting high on cat urine! Huffing cat urine apparently causes a euphoric state and is also referred to as cheesing.
Why "cheesing?" Because it's "fon to due.
" This sixth grade girl said she's been snorting cat piss for several months.
We sometimes sneak out during recess and a friend named ___ goes and gets her cats, and we'll just cheese all day long.
Oh my God! Sheila! Come look at this! So how can you tell if your child is cheesing? 1.
Your child seems distant, preoccupied.
2.
Your child's face smells like cat urine.
3.
When you see tigers at the zoo, your child starts grinding his or her teeth.
You might also notice by certain phrases your child says to school friends, such as "Hey, let's go cheese.
" or "Do you feel like cheesing, guys?" or "Dude, I'm cheesing my F-ing brains out right now.
" Kids are doing this? Kids do it because it's legal.
What can you do before it's too late? We have to protect our children from this, Sheila.
Twenty percent of American students aged six to twelve say they have tried cheesing at least once.
Kids also refer to it as "the cheese game," or "vitamin cheese," or "Mary Jane piss in your face fun time.
" Cheesing is spreading fast.
Alright, we're all sufficiently scared, Gerald, but what could we do? I have written up a bill, that would make having a cat illegal in the city of South Park.
Gerald's right.
We all have to face it.
Cats are deadly animals! If you stick your nose up their crotch and snort their piss, they can kill you! With my super lawyer powers, we can rid our town of cats, so that our kids never get high again! - Let's hear it for Gerald! - Hooray for Gerald! No! No! Oh wah wah! Get over it, druggie.
Jeez Goodbye, Scrambles.
We'll miss you.
Got two here.
Hey! What the hell are you doing? - Sorry, these are illegal.
- What? Hey! Give them back! Give them back! Look, I told you, I had a cat.
But I had it put to sleep 'cause it pissed me off.
Mr.
Kitty, you have to live in the attic for now.
Here.
Write a diary.
- Guys, have you seen Kenny? - Nah, I think Kenny's out sick today.
Yeah, and he was out sick yesterday too.
Guys I think Kenny isn't here because he's at home cheesing.
Waww come one.
Uh-Kenny knows how dangerous cheesing is.
Yeah, and where is he gonna find cats anyway? They've been outlawed.
Yeah, who has cats these days? Pot's illegal too, but people still manage to find it.
Ever since that first time Kenny cheesed, he hasn't been the same.
You've all noticed the change in him.
I'll bet Kenny's a t home cheesing right now.
Kenny? Kenny, you home? Look at me! Look at me! - Kenny! - Look at me! Whoa boy, he's cheesed out of his mind! Kenny! There you go.
Wuh try some coffee, Ken.
Kenny, we need to have a serious talk.
No we don't, guys.
Yes, we do.
We're your friends, dude.
We're not gonna let you ruin your life.
I'm not ruining my life, okay, you Goddamned fucking psychos.
Look at yourself! You've got to lay off the cheese! Yeah, that's it little buddy.
Just let it out.
Kenny, I know we're super-cool and everything, but if we ever catch you cheesing again, we're gonna tell on you.
Eh okay, okay, I just wanna sleep now.
Yeah, he needs some sleepy night-night, doesn't he, buddy? We've gotta keep this away from him.
Mittle Kitty, shhh! Damnit! Shhh, Mittle Kitty you have to be quiet, or else they're gonna find you.
What? It's the neighbor cat.
He hasn't been caught yet.
No- no, Mr.
Kitty.
I know you like Rufus, but he has to fend for himself.
I can't hide anymore cats, Mr.
Kitty.
I'm in trouble enough as it is.
All right, all right, fine.
All right.
Come on, Rufus.
Quietly.
Oh jeez, no, no, I can't hide you all.
I'm sorry, you'll just have to find somewhere else to- Well, I suppose I'll get in just as much trouble for four cats as for two.
Come on.
Oh my God Kyle! Kyle, can we talk to you for a minute, please? Yeah? Kyle, have you been getting high? No.
Then why did your mother find this in your dresser drawer? All right, look, th-that isn't mine.
I'm just holding it for a friend.
Don't lie to us, Kyle? How long have you been on the cheese? I'm not cheesing.
I've never cheesed once in my life.
Get up to your room right now until your mother and I figure out how to deal with this! Dad, will you just listen to me for a second? - Now, Kyle! - God! Gerald, what are we gonna do? Our son is a cat pee addict.
First thing is we've gotta dispose of this! - What are you gonna do? - I'd better just take it down to the basement for now, make sure Kyle can't find it.
No.
No, what am I thinking? I shouldn't do this.
I've been clean for ten years.
I haven't even been near a cat.
But then that report said our kids were doing it too, and and I knew Kyle would have the same sicknesses I used to have Now a cat is in our home, and it's too tempting.
I I'll just do it one more time.
One.
Last.
Time.
Then I'll call the police; have them pick up the cat.
And then I'll never do it again.
After this one last time I couldn't stay away.
Curse your rocking tits! - Who is it? - Please! Open the door.
They say you are hiding cats.
Hiding cats? Why, that would be illegal.
You don't understand.
My little Nishka She has nowhere else to go.
Oh oh no no, I cannot possibly take in another.
But they will find her.
I've already taken in the Andersons' cats, and the Willinskys'.
There's simply nothing else I can- Then again Perhaps I could find space for just this one more You show such kindness in such darkest of times.
What the hell? Kenny, get out of here! Aw, fa- Kenny! Bad.
Kitties.
Dad! Somebody's at the front door! Well am I grounded or not? Fine! I'll get it! Dude, we've got a big problem.
Cartman says Kenny is really messed up.
He's cheesing his fucking balls off, dude.
What? He apparently got to all the cats Cartman's been hiding in his attic.
What are you doing with cats in your attic, fatass? They're innocent victims in this, Kyle! They have to hide or they'll be put to death! Something you just can't understand! Come on, we've gotta find Kenny before he hurts himself.
I can't.
My dad grounded me.
Wait a minute: where is my dad? Hey everybody.
Good to see you again.
Hold! You cannot yet caress my daughter's awesome boobage! How come? There is another suitor.
What? Get out of here, kid! Hey! Fuck you! You're too young for this stuff! This must be decided at the Breastriary in Nippopolis! Now fight for the Loc-Nar trophy! Dad? Dad! What the hell are you doing? They've been going at it for a good thirty minutes.
She's mine, you little asshole! Whoopdie fucking hoo! Gerald? The key proponent of the cat ban has been charged with cheesing in a public park.
Gerald Broflovski is prepared to give a public statement.
I would like to address a personal matter: I have let myself down.
And I would first like to apologize to my lovely wife.
Don't touch me.
And to the people of South Park.
I was wrong, and I can't let cats take the fall anymore.
It's our fault.
The people who use cats for their sweet urine.
We have to learn that cheesing just isn't worth it.
Sure, you get to fight in the Breastriary, and swim in the fountains of Varnov with the itty titty fairies of Mammary Mountain.
- What the hell is he talking about? - I have no idea.
And then you fight the boob goblin in the gazongas cave, and then the girl may thank you for it.
But she.
Isn't.
Real.
And you never really get a good look at her naked boobs anyway.
Problem is, the more you into that world, the more you need to go.
Until you start blowing off all the real people who care about you.
Yeah.
I guess so.
Cats aren't the problem.
We made cats illegal and and I cheesed for the first time in ten years.
And kids are always gonna find a new way to get high.
Like sniffing glue or licking toads, or fermenting feces or huffing paint.
- You can also look at- - Okay, that's probably good, Gerald.
The point is I was wrong.
It's time to legalize cats! Heh yeah! Hooray for Gerald! Let's hear it for Gerald! Scrambles! So good to have you back! You ain't sore at us, are ya? - I'm sure glad that's over with.
- Me too.
But you know, we've all learned something, you guys.
We can never persecute living beings and force them into hiding.
It's wrong.
And you don't see any parallel between that and anything else in history? Mmm nope.
I have no idea what you're talking about, Kyle.
You guys! Check it out.
It's Kenny.
Isn't that great? He's just getting high on life.
Yeah.
He's getting really high on life.
Dude, he's getting super-wasted on life.
Kenny! What the hell kind of flowers are those? Kenny? Kenny?