Big Bang Theory s12e04 Episode Script

1 Hey, whatcha doing? Improving our wedding photos.
Oh, that's nice.
Wait, I'm still in them, right? Of course.
And not only you.
I've added some guests who couldn't be there.
Who's that next to my father? The Wright brothers.
And why are they at our wedding? Orville, because I admire him; Wilbur, because he was Orville's plus-one.
(computer chimes) Oh.
You got an e-mail from someone named Tam.
Tam? What does he want? Uh looks like he's coming to give his son a tour of Caltech.
He's hoping you guys can meet up.
(scoffs) He would like that, wouldn't he? Well, that is the gist of the e-mail.
Who's Tam? He was my best friend in the whole world growing up.
Really? Why have I never heard you mention him before? Oh, of course I have.
I'm sure I've mentioned him, like, five times this week.
I don't think you have.
Tam! Tam! Tam! Tam! Tam! There, it's only Thursday.
I didn't just drink the crazy milk, I bought the crazy cow.
The Big Bang Theory 12x04 The Tam Turbulence Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started Wait! The Earth began to cool The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools We built the Wall We built the pyramids Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery That all started with a big bang Bang! So, are you actually engaged to this woman you just met? Yeah.
Tell us the truth.
Did she get you pregnant? Very funny.
Guys, I need your help, okay? I'm trying to buy her engagement ring.
What do you think of this? Do you think she'll like this one? Well, it's hard to say, not knowing much about her.
Does she have fingers? Yes, she has ten fingers and ten toes.
Probably.
I'll get back to you after I see her in sandals.
Hey, did you guys know that Sheldon had a best friend growing up named Tam? Was that the imaginary talking koala? No.
He's a real person who apparently betrayed him.
Yeah, so did the koala.
I tried to ask him about it, and he invoked section three, article five of the marriage contract: beeswax comma none of your.
I can't pry.
I mean, I have to respect his wishes.
Wow.
I wonder what that guy could've done to make Sheldon not talk to him for 20 years.
I wonder if it'd work a second time.
(video game sound effects) (knocking) I'm pumping! It's Penny.
Oh.
Come in.
I thought you were pumping.
I thought you were my boss.
Okay, listen, I'm really worried about this whole Raj thing.
I know, he's so desperate to get married, which is weird, because I can't imagine we make it look that great.
I know, right? You know, if this woman's gonna be around, I think we should check her out a little.
I looked online.
She doesn't have an Instagram, which means she's either 80 or something's wrong with her.
Well, I could ask my dad.
Maybe he can get some of his old cop buddies to do a background check on her.
- Would he do that? - Of course.
He's a retired cop who plays by his own rules.
Hi, Daddy.
No, everything's good.
I just have a favor to ask.
Yeah, so, my friend Raj is marrying this woman that he barely knows, and I wanted to see if you could use your connections to dig up any dirt on her.
Uh-huh.
Sure.
Okay.
Love you.
Is he in? Absolutely not.
He won't do it.
It's totally illegal.
I thought you said he played by his own rules.
He does, but apparently, they're very similar to the actual rules.
I still can't believe Sheldon had a best friend we've never heard about.
Ooh, somebody's jealous.
- I'm not jealous.
- Leonard, this is a safe space-- it's okay to be vulnerable.
All I'm saying is you know the timing of a fellow's bowel movements, you don't think there's a lot left to discover.
I wonder what Tam could have done.
Hmm.
Well, if Sheldon doesn't want to talk about it, it's got to be pretty upsetting.
I have his brother George's number-- he might know.
Really? You have George's number? So so jealous.
Yeah, sure, I remember Tam, Sheldon's little Vietnam buddy.
The two of them were always running around together.
So, what happened? What do you mean? Well, I mean, Sheldon never talks about him.
They haven't spoken in years.
He wasn't at the wedding.
He wasn't? All right, well, this is embarrassing, 'cause I had a long conversation with someone who I thought was Tam.
Wait, wait, so you don't know what their fight was about? I wish I could help you, boys.
But, you know, Sheldon used to keep an enemies list when he was a kid.
Oh, he still does.
Really? I figured that went the same way as his bathroom schedule.
If you mean digitized, annotated and put online, it did.
Maybe that'll tell you something.
Hey, while you're looking at it, if I'm still on there for peeing in his shampoo bottle Eh, you know what, just leave it.
- (laughs) See ya, boys.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- All right, got his enemies list.
Ooh, he updated the interface.
You can search by first name, last name or length of grudge.
Is Tam on it? Let's see.
Yep.
Right here.
Tam Nguyen.
- Oh, great.
What did he do? - Hold on.
I have to agree to the terms of service.
No, I'm not a robot.
Okay.
"Which of these are plants?" And we're in.
Great.
What-what does it say? Well "He knows what he did.
" (chuckles): Oh, come on.
Wait.
Wait, wait, wait, if Tam knows what he did, we can just ask him.
He's gonna be on campus tomorrow showing his son around.
Won't that make Sheldon mad? Everything makes Sheldon mad.
- Yeah.
- Look at his list.
Jim Henson for, quote, "putting a terrifying, giant yellow bird on television and in my nightmares.
" - Oh, this is so nice.
- Mm-hmm.
Maybe instead of introducing ourselves to Anu, we could just get a room, order some food and take a nap.
Yeah, I've fallen for that line before.
It never leads to napping.
That must be her.
Oh.
She's cute.
Okay, I got you two seats to Hamilton tonight.
Your tickets will be at the concierge desk.
Of course.
My pleasure.
May I help you? Yes, I'm here to pick up our Hamilton tickets.
Stop.
Hi.
We're Raj's friends.
I'm Penny.
This is Bernadette.
We just came by to introduce ourselves.
So you came to check me out? She's smart.
I like her.
We just want to see if we could take you to dinner and get to know you a bit.
That sounds nice.
How about tonight after work? Maybe we can go to Bavel.
Oh, I wish.
That place is impossible to get into.
Oh, please.
Getting into impossible places is my superpower.
BERNADETTE: Me, too.
I can fit my whole body in our dryer.
All set.
8:30.
Wow.
Okay, well, we'll see you tonight.
- See you then.
- Okay.
Bye.
She can get into any restaurant, but the best husband she can find is Raj? Not Tam.
Not Tam.
Not Tam.
Got him.
- Tam Nguyen? - Yeah.
Yes.
Is my son done with his tour? No idea.
We're actually friends of Sheldon Cooper.
Oh, I've been trying to get in touch with him, but I never heard back.
Is he okay? Well, if you mean physically, yes.
If you mean every other way, no.
- So, is he here? LEONARD: Uh, no.
He-he didn't come.
He's, uh he's still pretty upset about you know.
I know what? Come on, you-you must know.
No, we haven't talked in, like, 20 years.
Right.
Because you know.
I don't think he knows.
What are you guys talking about? Why did you and Sheldon stop being friends? - What did you do? - And don't worry, even though we just met you, we think you're right and he's wrong.
I didn't do anything.
He moved to California, and we just drifted apart.
Oh, come on, there's got to be something - Oh, hey, Sheldon.
- We just met - Sheldon! So good to see you! Tam.
It's been a long time.
Mm, not long enough to erase the sting of betrayal.
How did I betray you? You know what you did.
Uh, let me catch you up.
He does not.
When I moved to California, what did you do? I stayed in Texas.
Do you believe this guy?! So, he was your best friend growing up? Yes.
Were there no other kids in Texas? Hey.
What is going on with you? I don't want to talk about it.
Well, I'm sure you have a perfectly stupid reason.
I don't do anything for a stupid reason.
Except, perhaps, Talk Like a Pirate Day, and I'd argue that's more whimsical than stupid.
You know, I was curious to find out what Tam had done wrong.
Why am I not surprised the answer is nothing? So you're taking his side.
You scurvy dog.
You watch yourself.
There is room on my enemies list now that the cafeteria ladies finally told me what's in the chili.
By the way, don't eat the chili.
Wai-Wai-Wait, you know what? Do.
Be careful, Sheldon.
I don't think you can afford to lose a second best friend.
I don't see anyone lining up to be your third.
D Wait.
"Snarky comebacks" Oh, here we go.
"You have your entire life to be a jerk, why not take today off?" That was harsh, but he was asking for it.
This place is amazing.
I can't believe you got us in here.
Well, it's kind of my job.
Usually I get tipped for it, but I'll leave that up to you.
(giggles) Look, I think that's LeBron over there.
James? No, LeBron Kershenbaum.
So, what do you want to know? Well, you seem like a smart, successful woman, why would you want to marry someone you just met? Fair question.
In my 20s, I tried this the normal way.
You know, met a guy, fell in love, we moved in together.
I put him through culinary school, screenwriting classes, and finally dumped him when he wanted to become a midwife.
Then I realized, my parents are happy; they had an arranged marriage.
Why am I fighting this? I dunno, I married for love and it turned out fine.
Oh, yeah, me, too.
AMY: Hi.
Howard, today is your lucky day.
Leonard's out, you're my new best friend.
Well, I'm not thrilled about it either, but here we are.
Okay, fine.
Is Bernadette there? Sh No.
Just Stuart? Let me call you back.
Let me guess.
This thing with Tam escalated, and now you're mad at Leonard and looking for a new best friend? You know me so well.
It's too bad you can't be my best friend.
I can be.
You can't be my wife and my best friend.
Who would I complain about you to? Just tell me what happened.
Leonard talked to Tam behind my back and took his side.
And after what he did to me.
Can you believe it? No.
I'm-I'm shocked and outraged.
Now, tell me why I'm shocked and outraged.
Fine.
When I got accepted to grad school at Caltech, I was afraid to move so far away from home.
So Tam said he'd move out here with me and be my roommate.
Then, over the summer, he got a girlfriend, even after reading all the pamphlets I gave him about social diseases.
Aw, I remember when you gave me those pamphlets.
Anyway, Tam stayed with her in Texas, and I had to move out here all by myself.
That must've been scary.
It was.
I was lonely, and I thought I'd never make a friend again.
And for a long time, I didn't.
But then you did.
And great friends.
If you think about it, if Tam had moved out here with you, who knows what your life would've been like.
Yes.
Uh, I'm Leonard Hofstadter.
I called you about the apartment.
You said Tell him to go away.
You already have a roommate.
New neighbor? Oh, hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
PENNY: Tam, look.
Sheldon's hugging me.
It's a Saturnalia miracle.
Sheldon, come here.
Bazinga.
No, my life would've still been great.
So what is the craziest request anyone's ever made? Oh, you know, I can't really say.
Concierge-guest confidentiality.
Really, that's a thing? (laughs) No.
This one time, I had to go to Walmart at 3:00 a.
m.
because Britney Spears needed to blow bubbles.
- Oh.
- That is so cool.
By the way, do not tell Raj that you met Britney Spears, because he will literally die.
We've been talking so much about me, tell me about Raj.
Okay, are you trying to get us drunk so we'll dish on our friend? 'Cause it's totally gonna work, what do you want to know? What kind of guy is he? He is great.
- So great.
- Mm-hmm.
How come he's still single? - He's great.
- So great.
Yeah.
Come on.
There's really nothing to tell.
Raj is so much fun to hang out with.
He's like one of our girlfriends.
And I mean that in a good way.
But also a bad way.
Anything else? - No.
- No.
I mean, h-he takes baths with his dog, but not in a weird way.
Or a normal way; they both wear swimsuits.
He also cries every time Hugh Jackman sings.
But not cute sniffles-- full-on snot sobs.
But he is great.
- So great.
- Yeah.
(knocking) Hello, Sheldon.
Hello Tam.
Thank you for coming.
I just want you to know that, um I forgive you.
I didn't do anything.
And yet, here I am, still being the bigger man.
Look, I was in love with Beth, and she made me happy.
Y Really? Did she let you play with her train set? In a manner of speaking.
Sheldon, I needed to stay in Texas.
And you needed to come here.
I knew you were gonna do amazing things, and meet amazing people who were gonna respect you, because you're brilliant.
And because they never had to fish you out of a dumpster.
Well, they have, but it was during my short-lived parkour phase.
I didn't mean to upset you.
And I want you to know I'm really proud of everything you've done.
Thank you.
It did work out for me.
And I'm sorry that things didn't work out for you.
They did work out for me.
Oh, Tam, you don't need to be brave on my account.
I'm not.
I have a great wife and amazing children.
I'm very happy.
Brave, brave Tam.
Sounds like Penny and Bernadette had fun last night.
I know.
Bernie came home pretty drunk.
She tried to sleep in the dryer.
Hello, you all remember Tam, my best friend from high school.
- Yeah.
- Of course.
- How's it going? Sheldon's been showing me and my son around.
Now we know where all the clean bathrooms are.
Yep.
You just remember the mnemonic: if it's number one, the library's fun, if it's number two, the basement's for you.
I'm glad you guys made up.
Well, I realized my life turned out great, and it's silly to hold a grudge.
And I had no idea we were fighting, so it was easy.
Uh, don't worry, Leonard, you're still my California best friend.
Cool.
So, what do you want to do now? Go to the train store, go to the comic book store? Actually, I have to grab my son and head to the airport.
I was just about to call a cab.
Don't be silly, you don't have to call a cab.
You're my oldest friend.
Leonard will take you.
Right, Leonard? Sure.
Shall we? Eh, eh, eh, hold on.
I haven't seen Tam in 20 years, give me a chance to say good-bye.
Bye.
Check it out-- LeBron James posted a picture of me and him on Instagram.
I don't see you.
Look right behind him.
No.
Okay.
You see that table just past his left shoulder? Now go back two more tables and over to the right.
All I see is a yellow smudge.
That's me! (phone rings) Oh, it's Raj.
Hey Raj, I'm here with Penny.
KOOTHRAPPALI: What the hell did you two say to Anu? Uh whatever do you mean? Why, why would you tell her I wear ladies' deodorant? Uh, because you're a boy and it's really funny.
Oh, oh, okay.
Pardon me for having the confidence to smell daisy-fresh.
Just do me a favor and stay away from her.
Ugh, God, now I feel bad.
I know.
Maybe we should take her out again and do some damage control.
You know, that's a good idea.
Think she can get us into SoHo House? I don't know, but we owe it to Raj to try.
Mm-hmm.