Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s12e04 Episode Script

Can I borrow your bike? What are you doing? Get off that thing! My mam always promised me one of these.
I'm still waiting.
You'll soon get fed up with it when it comes.
Behave yourself.
Really.
Yes, you see, he was He took her for a fortnight to Miami.
Didn't she used to be a cooper from Marlow Street? Mmmm.
Her mother used to wear that red hat.
Who'd have thought that anyone from Marlow Street would grow up to Miami for a fortnight! I knew it wouldn't do for me.
All that vice! I don't think it's compulsory! How could the fool think I should want to ride a child's tricycle? Do I look the sort of person who'd want to ride a child's tricycle? You clean your shoes, wear a regimental tie and some fool Give it a rest, Foggy.
Couldn't he see you're the only one likely to want to ride a tricycle? I'd have thought any fool could see it! Calm down, Foggy.
Nice, deep breaths.
Why don't you stand to attention for a while? It always makes you feel better.
I'm far too tense for standing to attention.
Why does he always stand to attention? It's a sort of military yoga.
You can't rely on people recognising quality these days.
The only thing that impresses people nowadays is if your face is famous.
Anyone who goes round picking up tricycles will be famous! Hey up! It's Nora Batty! Don't start any more scenes in the street! Everything's such a price! It makes life easier.
What does? Everything being such a price.
You come out, you look at a few shops, you see that everything's such a price.
It makes it easier to go home and make do with what you've got.
Don't you ever fancy something stylish, fashionable, new? THEY GASP He gets everywhere! Sometimes you'd think he were twins.
I do apologise for this, ladies.
I'll soon put a stop to it.
And he's full of flannel! There's no hurry! (Will you come out of there! (Give me that hat!) HE GASPS HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY Yes Um, no, er Actually, it was him who If I were rich, pet, I'd buy you a new hat.
Who needs a new hat?! You put up with him living next door to you.
Let him buy you a new hat! Aye, let me buy thee a new hat! Oh, it's great being molested by two women, Norm! You were always one for the simple pleasures.
I was, Norm.
I had to buy the damn thing.
What am I going to do with a lady's hat? Did she like the hat? She didn't want to accept it at first.
How did you persuade her? I threatened to take it round the house! You little silver-tongued devil, you! What's he doing? Is he still standing to attention? No, he's pacing up and down.
SIT DOWN, FOGGY! YOU'RE CAUSING A DRAFT! It's so disappointing! I should be enjoying respect due to a long and distinguished military career.
You'd think I was just some civilian! Oh, not any civilian, Foggy.
You'd have to be a dozy one.
It shows you how little judgement people have.
Unless your face is famous, they treat you just like any other twit! On behalf of us "other twits", may I say it's one of the things that you come to learn to live with.
Twit-ness is one of the few things they haven't yet found to be bubbling fatally with cholesterol.
Well, I resent being confused with the nitwits of the universe.
I think he's looking at me, Norm.
Sounds reasonable to me.
I find it irritating that after a lifetime's dedicated service, people are still likely to confuse you with some muffin.
BOTH: Sounds reasonable to me! It would be a different tale though, wouldn't it, if I was a TV personality.
Yes, you have to shove your face forward these days if you want to get a bit of respect.
That's always been my trouble.
I've never been one to advertise.
It's not our way.
It's not the warriors' code.
I don't boast how many of the enemy these hands have killed.
Is that the left hand or the right hand, Foggy? Well, it w Either.
And if you want to test it, you put your throat in here.
I've hurt his rotten feelings, Norm.
You're only jealous cos he bought Nora Batty a new hat.
He owes me money for that hat! That's another thing thou's famous for - being tight! I want every penny, plus delivery! See what I mean? And it's index-linked, you know.
How the hell does thou expect to become a TV personality when all thou can do is strangle people! A trained killer doesn't just strangle people! These hands are lethal weapons! They can be used to stab and chop! It must have been you I was next to in the bus queue.
If I had a wish to be famous, it would be in some more dignified manner than that, thank you.
I'd want to be associated with something a little more upmarket than television.
If I was going to be famous, I would wish to be associated with something dignified.
Such as what? Well, exploring, for instance.
I'd have been ideal as the first white man to penetrate some savage region.
I'm not going to Wales.
You're going on your own.
Explorer?! Foggy Dewhurst, explorer? You got us lost last week between here and Huddersfield! My compass was on the blink.
Now there's an animal with dignity.
That's something I could have been - a famous horseman.
You're too long for a jockey.
I'm not talking about racehorses.
I'm talking about the elegant end.
It's the other end that worries me.
Make a bit of room for the rider.
And don't be leaping about and startling the animal.
These thoroughbreds don't like being startled.
Sounds like Nora Batty.
She gets startled if I make a sudden move! The only move I would make would be to some other street! Lovely morning for a ride HORSE NEIGHS I think he's just lifted the ban on sudden movements! They shouldn't be out riding if they can't control the horse.
Well, if you're going to wave a stick under its nose! I made a simple gesture of courtesy.
Aye, right under its nose.
I don't know what the fella said.
Did you hear what the fella said? Well, I don't think it was, "Have a nice day.
" Obviously not a gentleman.
Some upstart trying to raise himself above his station.
Yes, I regret now not having taken up horsemanship.
Still you can have everything.
I had a war to win.
Well, it took you long enough! Time passes when you're enjoying yourself.
Polo.
What? Yes, now, there's a game I wouldn't have minded being famous for.
Yes, striding in after a brisk chukker.
Yes, I would have made my mark in polo.
No.
You're more like the hole in the middle! Come on, son, it's your turn.
Damn it, I paid for the hat! Get the purse out! If you don't, I'll tell everyone in this pub you buy ladies' hats.
Oh, I can't watch! I can't bear to see anything suffer.
The trouble is, polo is a rich man's game.
Mind you, so is buying a pint nowadays! Oh-ho! This is good! This is clever! I think we've really cracked it this time.
I mean, look at me! I'm just a fella sitting on a bridge! I don't care who goes by.
They're never going to believe that here we are, together.
I can see that, Howard.
They're definitely NOT going to think we're together.
I mean, I'm here and even I don't think we're together.
We have to be careful! I've got your reputation to think about.
At this distance, Howard, I'm never going to get a reputation! You're going to have to come up with a better idea than this.
You've forgotten your purse, Foggy! COMPO CACKLES Did you see him move?! Talk about reflexes! You don't think I believed you, do you? I was just playing along with you.
Give over! You nearly had a coron-onary! You're a bit protective about that purse, Foggy.
I know that mother love is powerful, but I've never seen any merit in throwing money away.
I've always had to keep a very careful check on expenditure.
We've noticed.
I was taught to kill, not to make money.
If you want to be a lethal machine, you have to live simply.
That's the main reason I never took up polo - the horses are so expensive.
You see? It's not so bad here after all.
We can hold hands.
You'll have to lean over a bit further, Howard.
It puts a terrible strain on a girl's suspender.
Oh! Oh, Howard.
You need two or three polo ponies.
That means stabling and feeding.
It's beyond the reach of your average sportsman of modest means.
I've caught you then, Howard! Looks like it's all downhill, Howard! How did you know it was me, hanging from your end? Well, you had guilt written all over yourface, Howard.
COMPO COUGHS What a triumph it would be for the man who could bring polo within the reach of a modest income.
I'd be famous then all right.
HE CHUCKLES The Henry Ford of polo.
"There he goes," they'd say.
Former Corporal Dewhurst, the man who made polo into a mass sport.
Yeah, they'd know who they were dealing with then all right.
No more misunderstandings with children's tricycles.
No, I'd be recognised for what I am.
We've recognised what you are for years! He's getting his "Clive of India" look.
I hate it when he gets his "Clive of India" look! Do you think Wesley could knock us up a few simple implements? But what's it for? Never mind what it's for.
At the moment, I have to keep a very tight security lid on this.
I want absolute silence about it, Wesley.
You tell no-one.
What if our lass wants to know what I'm doing? I repeat You tell no-one.
Listen, if our lass wants to know what I'm doing, she doesn't take kindly to being told to bog off! Use your discretion.
I'll do that.
If she asks, I'll tell her.
That's the only way to have any discretion with our lass.
Wesley, I want you to swear on this maintenance manual that nothing you hear in here will pass your lips.
What's he up to? I've a feeling we'll find out.
He wouldn't even show me the drawing! He's under some nervous strain.
I think he wants to be famous.
Oh, he is famous.
He's known for miles around as being a right twit.
THEY SNIGGER What's he doing, propped against my gate? That's not the sort of ornament you'd chose for your gate.
You should worry! I have to live next door to it! Well, you should have a medal.
I'll have another biscuit.
Mother, it's my father they're after, not you.
I don't like him giving the impression he's a visitor.
No-one is more charitably inclined to the under-privileged than me, although I can't say that I like them on the premises.
Oh, your father does mix with some weird characters.
At least they're male.
Oooh, he's all male.
It's not first-class male though, is it? No.
And it looks like his envelope's been used a few times! THEY ALL LAUGH Ah, stuff this.
Why can't we carry these things out in the open? Will you Will you put that away! Put it away! Do you want everyone to see? One thing I hate is a polo mallet down your trouser leg.
It's not just a polo mallet.
It's a revolutionary new size.
That's why they're still highly confidential.
I daren't expose them just yet.
If you carry on like that, you will expose something! It must be kept under wraps until I've worked out all the details and fully patented the game.
Well, it's not my idea of a game, walking about with one of these things down your trousers.
You've no idea, you two, have you? You've no conception of how important this could be to me.
If this game sweeps the country as I confidently expect it will, it could transform all our lives.
Mine's started to be transformed already.
Come along home with me while I change.
Into what? I suppose a good fairy is too much to hope? Into something a bit more suitable for polo.
You can't play polo dressed like this.
CLOTH RIPS Right.
NORMAN AND COMBO ROAR WITH LAUGHTER Well, I knew they'd come in useful one day.
I got 'em cheap from a fella I knew in the Veterinary Corps.
Are you sure he didn't leave the horse in? These are ideal! I'm not walking out with thee wearing them! I'm the one that's supposed to be tatty.
That looks ridiculous! All right, if it soothes your tiny mind, I'll go in front.
Come on.
Oh, yes.
It's absolutely ideal this, you know.
You see, there's plenty of space, lots of room for manoeuvre.
Oh yes, it's just about the right size area, this.
I think I shall recommend an area this size when I write the book of rules.
I don't know if you know how good it feels to be on the verge of something like this.
I know how good it feels to get this polo mallet out of your trousers.
Ooh! I've got a splinter in my We don't wish to know that.
Now You, put your coat down here.
And you, put yours down there.
If we had, er, two teams, of course, we'd want two goals.
While we're practising, we'll make do with one.
Norman, remember - one goal will do.
Oh, I'm glad about that(!) I hate overdoing it with goals(!) Right.
Throw the ball.
We'll try a little chukker.
THEY PANT YouTWIT! What the blood and stomach pills? Three teas, please, Ivy! And 64 sticking plasters.
Has there been an accident? Aye, and it's known as Foggy Dewhurst.
Oh, stop complaining, will you? So you scraped your knee a bit.
That playing field is harder than it used to be.
It wasn't that hard when I was 12.
I hope you've not come in here to bleed! If you want to bleed, you can go and bleed outside.
One thing I'll say, Ivy, you don't go all emotional and sympathetic.
You look terrible.
And another thing, the hair's come off your brush! No, it's not a brush, it's a polo mallet.
A what? He's invented bicycle polo! All we need is a bit of protective clothing.
I was in the kitchen.
I heard you.
How do you mean I came in sounding guilty? You did.
You came in sounding guilty.
The door.
I can always tell by the door when you sound guilty.
II don't know what you mean, love.
When you come through normally, it sounds like this.
DOOR CREAKS OPEN But when you come creeping through, all guilty, it sounds like this.
DOOR CREAKS LOUDLY AND SLOWLY I'll put some oil on it.
No, you won't.
It knows what it's doing.
DOOR CLICKS OPEN Come here! Feeling better? Bog off.
They say that a lot in polo, do they? I'm telling thee, if I get woodworm through having a polo mallet down my shirt You're not still moaning, are you? We're protected now, what is there to moan about? Do you want to see the bruises? No, thank you.
I suggest we ride in a V formation down to the playing area.
BREAKS SQUEAL Right, follow me! You'll find it'll get easier.
Right! NORMAN WAILS Oh, that's it, Foggy, not only bicycle polo, but bicycle water polo! BBC Broadcast - 2004