QI (2003) s12e04 Episode Script

APPLAUSE Goooooood evening, good evening.
Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, and welcome to QI and to an evening of Levity.
Let's see who's got the "light" stuff.
The light-fantastic, Sue Perkins! APPLAUSE The light-footed, Josh Widdicombe.
CHEERING The lightly-armed Frank Skinner.
CHEERING And the lights on but nobody's home, Alan Davies.
APPLAUSE So, light up your lamps, and the Latin L, which is of course tell me what they have in common, all these little buzzer noises.
Sue goes OWL HOOTS Josh goes BEARD CLIPPERS Frank goes CLOTH RIPPING And Alan goes PIG SQUEALING Any thoughts? They're all noises made by Jeremy Clarkson during the intimate act.
LAUGHTER We've kept you two apart whenever we've done a show, for good reasons.
Yeah.
Yeah, so you've got an owl.
He howls like an owl.
"He squeal like a pig.
" And it definitely, definitely ends RIPPING That's the final rip to the trouser.
APPLAUSE It's hard not to say that you've probably That's when Richard Hammond pops out.
- Oh! - Oh! I must say! That's the final rip of stonewashed denim, isn't it, that noise? Would it help if I said it was L for law.
- Law with a W, not an ORE.
- No.
Jewish law, which was known as, for eating? For Kosher.
- Kosher, yes.
And I said levity was our theme, levit - Leviticus.
- Leviticus.
Leviticus! - Oh! So shellfish and - Well, we didn't hear any shellfish, did we? - No, we didn't.
- No.
- Unless, I wasn't sure about Josh's.
- But we heard an owl.
- Yeah.
A beard being shaved, the rending of cloth and a pig.
Ah, and a pig.
So they're all things prohibited by - Anything to do with a pig is forbidden.
- Brian Blessed! IMPERSONATES: No, Brian Blessed is not kosher, no.
No! Oh, dear, dear.
So that's what they have in common.
All your buzzers are forbidden by Jewish law.
- That's very awkward, because I'm Jewish, so - Also - I can't take part in this for the rest of the show.
- No.
- No, I understand.
- Also, if I were to go round and say Josh can have sex with you, - just on the top of my head, that would also be - Sex on the top of your head? - On the top of his head? - That's not the bit I had an issue with.
No.
- That would be an over-protected thing.
- I've never heard of kosher sex.
- That would be an abomination, according to Leviticus.
- It would indeed, Stephen.
So, they're all things forbidden in the Book of Leviticus - you mustn't eat an owl, trim your beard, tear your clothes or have anything to do with a pig.
Sorry.
No, what does it mean "nothing to do with it"? What if he comes up to you, you just have to go You have to shun him, Josh.
- Blank him.
- Blank him.
I know Sorry mate, not interested! - I just blanked him.
- Snub.
- Like a mugger in the street.
- Snub that pig.
- Pretend you're on your phone, sorry.
- Yeah, blank him.
Now, one of our questions tonight is likely lavatorial.
See if you can flush it out by going for a Spend A Penny bonus.
All you have to do is brandish your baton and buzz your buzzer.
And there are lots of points for it, lots.
It's really worth risking that the answer might be something lavatorial.
But first here's a lark.
You each have a balloon, as I do.
And what I want you to do is, oooh, is a levitation trick.
It's all to do with static electricity, as you might have guessed.
Well, the idea is to Oh, that's already, whoa, that's Oh, oh, no, that doesn't.
Oh no! Yes! Yes! - Wow! - Yes, oh! Alan got it.
You charge up the plastic and the balloon, but you have to charge both of them.
Well, yes, you can use your hair.
If anybody's hair can do this, it's Alan's.
I take that as a slight.
I can't get it off now.
I know, that's as well, as it sticks to your fingers, you have to just - Oh, and now, oh, not quite.
- Yes! Yes! Oh, brilliant! Aargh! Patrick McGoohan in The Prisoner there, very good.
It's that sort of fatal thing they get in Star Trek when they didn't have any money.
Ooh, put some music on, and they go, "Arrgh!" Someone in a red top.
The fact is, yes, scientifically, you should be able to do it repeatably and predictably, but it's quite hard.
But I promise you this, I will show you, before this evening is over, a levitation effect that will blow your socks off.
Not literally, but will really impress you.
That's going to come.
Meanwhile, what's the funny thing about lightning? - Oh.
- The funny thing about it? Well, given that it is a natural phenomenon that mankind has been aware of for all the time that we've been on the planet.
It makes you laugh.
We're still captivated, freaked-out and surprised by it - We're captivated, and surprised and don't understand it.
- Oh! - No.
- We can't explain it.
- We know a little bit about it.
- Oh, we do - We know that thunderbolt and lightning - is very, very frightening.
- Very, very frightening! - It's white, it's forked.
- Yes.
- Or sheet.
- It's electric.
- Or sheet you say? No, not or sheet.
Sheet lightning is the same as forked lightning, it's just hidden by a cloud.
Oh, so it's an illuminated cloud that gives that band of - Yeah, it's just basically Exactly.
- OK.
But one of the myths about it is that it will always strike what part of a building? - Highest.
- The highest point, and that's not true.
We've got a photograph to show you how untrue that is, of it hitting Grant's Tomb there.
There's a branch of it hitting the top, but the huge part of the fork there is hitting two thirds of the way up.
Half of lightning goes up from the ground, and at about 300 feet up they meet each other.
- I know, it's weird.
Yes, so - What? Lightning goes upwards? - Oh yes, absolutely.
- Wrong.
No! on the Empire State Building, for example, are ascending strikes, rather than descending strikes.
I know it seems astonishing, but photography allows us to see this phenomenon of it coming up from the ground and meeting with the sky forks, as it were.
- Wow.
- "Sky Fawkes".
- "Sky Fawkes".
- Weird.
My dad used to, whenever there was lightning, we had to open the knife drawer and put a tea towel over the knives and forks, to avoid it coming through the window and striking, and turn the TV off.
It's the only time the TV was ever turned off, it was quite a big thing.
The drawer is closed, is that not doing it? He'd open the drawer to cover it with the tea towel.
No, there's something about the tea towel.
Individually cover? You know tea towels have got that earthing quality.
Josh: Did you not have anything else that was metal? - Just the knives and forks.
- The taps.
No, I think that's all we had.
That was it.
And can I say we had no piercings in our family.
From lightning to lighthouses.
What is the most famous lighthouse in the world? Oh, I don't know, the one on the Needles is quite famous.
The Needles is quite famous, yes.
I mean there was one that was the One of the Seven Wonders of the World.
Oh, which is in Spain, is it not? Or, is that Hercules's Tower or something, there's a It's something Hercules.
Faros, Faros, it's the Alexandrian lighthouse.
I love the way you looked at me as though I got that right, whilst telling me that every aspect of it was wrong.
- You were, you know - I loved that, it made me feel good about myself.
- You were wrestling the puppy knowledge with great affection.
- Yeah.
Actually all those lighthouses, the Eddystone, the Kenilworth, might be known by quite a section of the population, but this one, everyone knows the name of this one.
What they probably don't know is that it was originally a lighthouse.
- Empire State Building.
- Not the Empire State Building.
- Statue of Liberty.
- Yes! The Statue of Liberty, well done.
- Oh, of course.
- Absolutely right.
There it is.
It was visible from 24 miles out to sea, it was a gift to America from? France.
From the French, yes.
And originally what colour was it? - Orange.
- Was it? Not red and white like, oh, like that! Well it was always intended to go green, because it's copper colour.
- That's the gayest lighthouse I've ever seen.
- It's copper colour.
You're absolutely right, Alan, it has a thin sheet of copper leaf, as it were, over it.
- So it can go that - Originally it shone copperly, but like all copper does - Oxidizes.
- Yeah.
- Gets verdigris.
And so you get copper carbonate and verdigris is the name for it, exactly.
You see those domes and things, that green colour that is Lady Liberty.
Anyway, the Statue of Liberty used to be a lighthouse and in those days it was brown.
Now for some light relief.
What's the most interesting thing you can do with a sausage? Well, she's used hers for a hair piece.
- She's coiled that round.
- A lovely little Yeah.
- What's the most interesting thing? - It's got to be something to do - With the loo.
- It's got to be.
- Yes.
I'm going to give you the points, because there is a way, which is very lavatorial, in which you can improve a sausage, which is quite interesting and very surprising.
What, poo in it? - Yes.
- Oh Come on! Really? Baby faeces in a sausage will improve a sausage.
Now Oh no, and I've been throwing them away! - Bear with me here.
- You need to get some casings and eat that.
- Yeah.
Bear with me here.
According to a study in the journal Meat Science - M-E-A-T Science - you make sausages healthier by adding bacteria extracted from babies' faeces.
Now, the point is, many sausages, pepperoni What are they doing in laboratories, for God's sake?! What they try and do is improve things for us to make us healthy.
And pepperoni and salami are made with bacterial fermentation.
And the best way you can do that is to use what are known as pro-biotic bacteria, ie, bacteria that are said to be good for you.
And, oddly enough, this Catalonian team decided that one of the best types would be baby faeces, because, by definition, they would have passed through the human system and passed out again, and because baby faeces are easy to obtain - in fact the study used nappies provided by mother and baby support groups.
Still don't make it right.
Professional tasters confirmed that sausages tasted the same - Oh! - Who does that for a living?! - I know.
- Did they know what they? They tasted the same, you wouldn't notice.
That's a rough day down the job centre, that is.
They are lower in both fat and salt and therefore healthier.
But it's poo, Stephen! It's literally poo! It gives a new meaning to potty mouth, doesn't it? But it does mean that Alan gets his Spend a Penny bonus, - which is very good news.
- Shut the front door.
APPLAUSE Though, in fact, that was a supplementary question, because the original question involved the use of sausages in history.
Sausages such that a country, where we showed you a photograph that shows a country that is really fond of sausages - Germany? - Yes.
It's so useful with the sausages, for Germany, at a particular time in history, that people were banned from eating them and they were banned in Poland, in Austria, in northern France, and Were they using them as part of the war effort? Yes, World War I.
The Germans had a very impressive weapon, which terrorised London.
GERMAN ACCENT: The Bratwurst lasso.
Which can take a human head off at 100 paces.
- The Zeppelin.
- The Zeppelin, is exactly right.
The Graf Zeppelin, the Count Zeppelin invented this dirigible.
Are you saying that's one enormous sausage? Well They flew and they dropped baby excrement over London.
What made it lighter than air? - Helium.
- Helium.
- Not helium, no.
- Hydrogen.
Hydrogen, that's why they were so dangerous, because hydrogen is very combustible.
And they would go over London and the chappy at the bottom in the little gondola - would drop a bomb - You make it sound really lovely.
"The little chappy would go over London" But the thing is, the hydrogen would easily leak from the patches, and they found that sausage skins would go over the joins, and they would latch onto each other, a bit like Velcro, they would stick to each other and they'd seal the whole thing so the hydrogen wouldn't leak.
Well, now God, more bad news for pigs! LAUGHTER It was cattle rather than pigs, it was beef sausages.
So they would just fly like an apocalyptic cow balloon - over the top of London and just drop - Yeah.
And bullets would go through and they wouldn't be enough to bring it down, and it took two years for the British to learn how to use incendiary bullets to cause the hydrogen to blow up.
Were they ever struck by lightning? Yes, three Zeppelins were downed by lightning.
- Yeah, how about that? - That's brilliant.
It shows that God was on our side.
A quarter of a million cows they used, per Zeppelin - that's pretty impressive.
So a quarter of a million cows went into the making of a Zeppelin? Per Zeppelin, yeah.
Which is why they had to stop the Germans, the Austrians, the Poles and those in Northern France at the time from getting their sausages.
What a shame they didn't do a big cow's face on the front of it.
Oh, that would have been brilliant, wouldn't it? They just don't have those artistic flourishes, the Germans, do they? - Everything's very functional.
- That was my problem with the Nazis(!) Well, there we are, the linings in German airships caused a sausage shortage in World War I.
What was the charge for the world's first charity single? Oh, it's not going to be Band Aid, is it? - Is the clue in charge? - Yes, it certainly is.
The Charge of the Light Brigade? Well done, you.
Absolutely.
So that's the beginning of the puzzle opened up.
So, how can the Charge of the Light Brigade have anything to do with a charity single? You can't really release They didn't release a single.
Well, not a single, as it wasn't called a single in those days.
Tennyson, there are cylinder recordings of Alfred Lord Tennyson.
- Indeed.
Yeah.
- So maybe he read - the Charge of the Light Brigade onto cylinder.
- He may have done.
His voice, "I am Alfred Tennyson," you do hear that, absolutely.
He did live into the age of the phonograph, as it was then called.
But this is actually slightly more touching, in a way.
There was actually a bugler who recorded the Charge, which is a particular call on the bugle, and he was himself a survivor of the Charge of the Light Brigade, and I'll give you all the full details of it.
He plays the charge that he blew on the day, on a bugle that was used at Balaclava, which had also previously been used at Waterloo.
- It's a heck of a historic bugle.
- That's a pedigree, yeah.
It was recorded as a charity single to raise money for veterans of the Charge who had fallen on hard times.
And we can play it That's the last thing they want to hear, though, isn't it? - They'd be terrified.
- Oh, my God! But we can hear it now.
SCRATCHY RECORDING OF BUGLE PLAYING There you are.
That was Martin Landfried, who was a bugler and he made that recording in 1890, and the Light Brigade was 1854.
Incredible quality.
It's not bad quality, really, is it? And that was to help all veterans? Or just specifically veterans of that particular failed? - Specifically the veterans of the Charge, yeah.
- Yeah.
So, bugler Martin Landfried lifted the spirits of the Light Brigade at Balaclava.
How did Chicago get completely screwed up? They put Catherine Zeta-Jones in it.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE You are a naughty girl.
- I love that film, it's brilliant.
- Didn't she get an Oscar? - Yeah, she won an Oscar.
- I'm joking, she was really good.
- I liked it.
- It was a cheap shot.
The sort of Bob Fosse-style choreography.
- They boarded it up with screws.
- Sort of.
- Is it literally screwed up? - It was.
Is it to do with prohibition? Because it's the windy city? Not because it's windy, no.
Or Barack Obama.
It's always prohibition or Barack Obama.
- No, it was before either.
- Valentine's Day massacre.
It's always Prohibition or Barack Obama or Valentine's Day massacre.
- Before any of those things.
- So it's, what, Victorian? Literally the founding of Chicago.
It was a huge stop off on Lake? Michigan.
Michigan, Lake Michigan.
And, unfortunately, it was built on a swamp, and typhus and typhoid were absolutely ravaging the population.
So they decided, with good old American know-how and sort of optimism, they would jack the city up, they would screw it up with screw jacks, as they're called.
And there you can see the grey bit all along the bottom, because they literally were screwing it up.
While people were living in it.
There was the Tremont Hotel, for example, which covered a whole acre, which they screwed up, there it is.
They screwed it up and they didn't even close the hotel while it was being lifted up off the ground.
And underneath, in the space, the crawl space, you might say, they put sewage and fresh water and so on, and it was a resounding success.
And Chicago became So there wasn't someone who went to bed in that hotel and woke up and went, "What the hell has gone on?" - "I'm on a different floor!" - Yeah! And, also, the river was full of sewage, it flowed into the clean Michigan, and so with an ingenious system of locks they made it reverse in the other direction.
And once a year they dye the river, which goes beautifully like a Venetian canal, they dye it green.
Why would they do that? - Paddy's Day.
- Indeed.
Cos there are lots of Irish and they have the bagpipes and so on.
And it's a beautiful city, I love it.
That is actually for real, we haven't done that with Photoshop.
- Really? - Yeah.
That is how it looks.
So what dye, what? Green dye.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE I'm sorry, I can't do better than that.
- I'll accept that.
No, no.
- I wish I could help.
Probably named viridian or something, emerald.
The towns and cities further down the river get St Patrick's Day on the wrong day.
LAUGHTER Yes, the entire city of Chicago was jacked ten feet in the air to make room for the plumbing.
Now let's lighten the mood with a little light General Ignorance.
Fingers lightly on your buzzers, please.
Name one of the rules in a walking race.
You're not allowed to run, are you? Well, you certainly can't run, but how do you judge that? Isn't it that some part of your foot has to be in contact with the ground? Oooh SIREN There you are, you see.
Are those shorts strictly legal, though? - No.
- Oh, hello! - There's a little bit of swinging.
- Oh, God, you can really see it! - Just cover that with your hand.
- Oh, dear.
- Oh, that's really - Please make that stop.
- Oh! Wahey! Please make that stop.
- Oh, that's so wrong.
- Oh, dear.
Ah, he's getting nearer! Oh! Look at the feet! God, no, no! - Look at the feet! - God, no! I feel like we've gone back to the sausage round.
It's gone, it's gone.
Look at the feet, don't look at the trunks.
That isn't a tip to one of the rules we should know, is it? - No pants.
- Yeah.
Swinging basket.
Keep the junk in the trunk, I think is one of the rules.
No, the fact is, I will read you the rule if you want to know it, - it's the - Why are penises so funny? From the International Association of Athletics Federations, the rule book says, "Race walking," as it's called, "is a progression of steps so taken that the walker makes contact with "the ground so that no visible to the human eye "loss of contact occurs.
" All Olympic walkers, when you slow them down on TV, have moments, a few milliseconds, sometimes, when both feet are off the ground, but it's not visible to the human eye.
But, of course, nowadays you can freeze frame just about anything incredibly accurately, so Olympic Games broadcasters and Olympic judges get absolutely bombarded with calls from people furious cos they've seen both feet off the ground and they're convinced that must be against the rules.
But, actually, it isn't.
Race walking is often seen as a comical event and someone once described it as like having a competition to see who can whisper the loudest.
Now, here's the crew of the International Space Station.
Why are they weightless? - Oh - Yes? - Because they're in zero gravity.
- Oh, dear! - A common misapprehension.
- Yeah.
No, that's not it at all.
There's a huge amount of gravity, they're very close to the earth.
- The moon is - Oh, so they weren't in flight at that point? No, they were orbiting the earth.
But they're in free-fall, a bit like sky divers.
And, fortunately, unlike sky divers, they're also travelling sideways at the same time.
If they weren't, they would crash into the earth.
So there's certainly not zero gravity, there's a lot of gravity.
The Space Station, and the astronauts in free-fall inside it, is plummeting towards the earth but, because of its curvature, the ground is falling away from them at the same speed as they're falling towards it.
To put it another way, the Space Station is constantly falling, but its tremendous horizontal speed means that it always falls over the horizon.
They love karaoke, don't they? They love that.
But it's not that there is no gravity acting on them.
There's a huge amount of gravity acting on the spacecraft, or it would just be lost in space.
So, you didn't do so well on that, so maybe you'll do better on this.
Why do spacecraft get hot on re-entry? Why do they get hot? - Friction? - Oh, darling Sue, thank you.
- Yeah, you're welcome.
- We hoped for that.
Yeah.
Well, you came to the right place if you wanted idiot.
No! You're not idiotic, most of us would have said friction.
It's not friction, actually.
It's what's called a bow shock.
It's the pressure on the air in front of it, like a bow wave of a ship, and the faster you go the hotter it becomes, because of this enormous pressure on the air.
And there are other examples of that sort of effect, like a sonic boom, for example, when you're going faster, which is also a sort of bow shock.
Everything I know about space is entirely taken from Sandra Bullock's performance in Gravity.
Everything I know about space comes from reading The Right Stuff, and I know that if you get it wrong, when you re-enter, - you can skip off the atmosphere.
- Oh, absolutely.
No, what, like a stone? Yeah, then you'll just never come back.
- Then you just keep going.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, the fact is, spacecraft heat up on re-entry because of the bow shock, not the friction.
And, finally, who fancies a quantum-locking levitation lark? And to help me tonight we have Professor Andrew Boothroyd of the Physics Department of Oxford University.
Hello, Andrew! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING So, here we go, this is going to go over my head, so I'm going to duck.
Ta-da! There it is.
An exciting tray and what looks like a bit of sort of Scalextric and let's just line it up there.
We've got a little bucket here, what's in this bucket, Andrew? That's a bucket of liquid nitrogen.
Liquid nitrogen which, as you know, is extremely cold, and I'm going to dip a rose into it, just to show how cold it is.
I'd better put these gloves on first.
Health and safety.
Heston Blumenthal's making a rose dish! Oh, and these.
All safety.
Safety, safety, safety.
- Yeah, as long as you're safe, that's the main thing! - Yeah, quite.
Here we go.
So, I'm going to dip a rose into this, you might have had this Ooh! Bubbles away.
It's really cold now.
And it might even shatter.
Oh! Look at that, like glass.
- Shall I not touch the bit that's landed on me?! - No, that's fine.
LAUGHTER Is it burning into your skin? It shatters like glass.
I've got a little wart on my finger, is this a chance to burn it off? - You might get a little cryo - And the rest of your hand.
It would be a great way of dumping someone on Valentine's Day.
LAUGHTER So, what have we got here, Andrew? We've got here a piece of ordinary-looking black ceramic, which, when we cool it down to very low temperatures, acquires a very extraordinary property.
- OK.
- So if you'd just like to cool it down with liquid nitrogen.
- I shall baste it with liquid nitrogen.
- Oh, my word.
- There we are.
- And we have a second one over here.
- Oh, right.
- Do that one, too.
- I'll cool that, as well.
This is like the beginning of every pop video in the '80s.
Tell me what's particular about this? It loses all its resistance, its electrical resistance, - and becomes what's known as a super-conductor.
- Ah, yes.
That's one thing.
And the other thing is that it acquires the property that it can bend magnetic field lines in such a way that it will always try to resist any motion, even if that means hovering above the ground.
All right.
So let's pick it up and pop it Whoops! There it goes.
- Whoa! - Oh, wow! - Cool.
- Yeah, it's pretty good, isn't it? - Literally.
That makes no effect and you can just give it a tip SUE: Oh, that's very strange.
Yeah.
There we are.
And as it warms up it'll slowly sink.
- Oh, wow.
- There you go.
Is this what you do most days at the Oxford University? Almost every day.
It's not a bad old job.
So this one here, is very exciting.
And now it's nice and slidey.
But look at this.
Cool.
And what's happening there? - It's the magnetic field, isn't it? - That's correct.
- It's interrupted - by this superconductivity.
- But it's not like a normal magnet, cos a normal magnet would repel when it's up that way and then it would just fall off.
So this is both repelling and attracting at the same time.
I'm going to give it one more little go and then we can try it on the track.
I thought you were going to say, "And then we can try it on Alan.
" - LAUGHTER - That would not be nice.
- No! - Upside down in a bucket of nitrogen.
There we go.
Pop it there.
- Oh, wow! - Fantastic.
- Round it goes.
- That's cool.
- That's amazing.
- Isn't it good? FRANK: Can someone pass the Sellotape? - It's like a steam train.
- And it's got a stream train, it can go the other way.
- We can put the wrong type of leaf on the track.
- LAUGHTER And is this going to get us to Mars? That's the main question.
Well, what do you think, Andrew? Are there any practical applications we can think of? You could use it as a piece of transport like that, but it's expensive because of the cost of cooling the nitrogen.
So it's not efficient.
But if we could find a superconductor that worked at room temperature, then it would be viable.
- Right.
- SUE: Are you working on that? - We are, yes indeed, yes, I am.
- I trust you.
JOSH: I bet they're not! They're just playing with this all the time, that's what I'd be doing.
I know, isn't it gorgeous? So you'd think it would almost be like a maglev train.
That's what it would be like.
- Oh, there we go again.
I love that.
- Oh, I love it.
- And this, of course, can go on here, as well.
- Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Argh! Ahhh! Don't be too scared.
It's all right.
LAUGHTER What a pussy! Sorry! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - That's my favourite one.
- Boing! Oh, it's coming round, it's coming round, it's coming round! Unfortunately, this one is less insulated and it'll probably get - Oh, that's stopped it.
- It's doing pretty well.
- It is, isn't it? - Oh, my God, that's coming for me.
Oh, no.
Cool.
Oh, there you go.
Bless its heart.
That would be like the best Christmas present in the world.
What is the magnet made of? It's rather exciting names - boron and? The magnet is made of neodymium, iron and boron - and that's what the track is made of.
- Neodymium? - Neodymium and iron and boron.
- Wonderful.
The superconductor is made of gadolinium, barium, copper and oxygen.
SUE: But you can just use sticky-backed plastic LAUGHTER .
.
and a Fairy Liquid bottle.
Well, there you have the miracle that is quantum levitation.
- Thanks to Andrew Boothroyd.
- SUE: Amazing, Andrew, amazing.
- APPLAUSE AND CHEERING - Thank you, Andrew.
Thank you so much.
For once I can say what could be cooler than that? That's all the levity we've got time for, so let's have a look at the scores.
It's very exciting.
I'm afraid, bringing up the rear with minus 14, is Sue Perkins.
APPLAUSE With minus seven, in third place, is Frank Skinner.
APPLAUSE Well, in a brilliant second is Josh Widdicombe, with five.
APPLAUSE - Be still, my pulsing member, in first place - LAUGHTER with 11 points, is Alan Davies! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Well, thanks for watching and good night from Sue, Frank, Josh, Alan and me.
We leave you to ponder upon the last words of the French satirist, Francois Rabelais, in 1553.
These were his dying words - "I have nothing, I owe much, the rest I leave to the poor.
" Good night and thank you.
APPLAUSE