Family Guy s12e05 Episode Script

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! Good afternoon, Quahog.
Our top story: price wars are heating up between all of the major airlines and even a couple of the little crashy ones.
We now go live to Tricia Takanawa with more on the story.
Tom, I'm standing here at Boston's Logan Airport, where some of the same security people who let the terrorists on the plane are still gainfully employed.
With such low fares, even those who never fly are lining up to buy tickets.
Early reports suggest that this could be the most profitable day for airlines in the last two decades.
I'm Tricia Takanawa.
Back to you, Tom.
Hi, Mom.
(in Joe's voice): Hi, Joe.
Wow, Peter, did you hear that? Low airfares.
Why don't we take a trip? We never go anywhere anymore.
We're gettin' stagnant.
What are you talking about? We go places.
We took that helicopter tour of Tucson.
Wow.
I've never seen so many boats not near bodies of water.
That park is all concrete.
Look, there's a dog tied to a other dog.
I think that guy with long hair is a lawyer.
Look at all those students running for their lives.
Oh, there's the concrete park again.
Peter, I'm talking about real travel.
We can finally afford to go somewhere good.
Joe and Bonnie went to Europe and had the time of their lives.
Hey, I know a place you can go, Lois: Hell.
There, I said it.
Now shut your mouth.
Lois, I hate travelling.
Besides, my passport picture is awful.
Ugh, you look like a human cigarette.
But it's not just about you, Peter.
Think about the family.
It would be an amazing experience for the kids.
It would give them some culture.
Lois, the kids can get all the culture they need right here in Quahog.
Really? More culture than Europe? That's right, and I'm gonna prove it to you.
I got more culture in my pinkie toe than all of Europe put together.
(singing opera) (wild applause) Oh, my God! I got ringworm, too, but it's not classy like this.
Okay, kids, now this is the Quahog Museum of Science.
A magical place of cultural exploration.
That sucked.
Now, one thing that makes us more cultured than our European counterparts is high school football.
Then why are we standing here in the parking lot? Because sometimes your team loses, and you have to beat up the ref.
What part of Eatonville you from, huh? What part of Eatonville you from? Ow! West Eatonville.
Oh, really? West Eatonville? Do you know Bob Hanley? I'm Bob Hanley.
No kidding! Bob, it's me, Peter Griffin.
Oh, my God, how the hell are you? I'm doing great.
I'm doing great.
Well, hey, oh, listen.
I was really sorry to hear about your dad.
Oh, that means a lot.
Yeah, I'm sorry I couldn't make it to the wake.
I was out of town.
It's okay.
Thanks for the flowers.
Oh, it's the least I could do.
Hey, Chris, get over here.
You got to meet my buddy Bob Hanley.
Hi, Mr.
Hanley.
I'm Chris.
I heard a lot about you, sir.
We now return to Downton Syndrome.
Well, if I must accept your proposal in order to break the entail and save my family's estate, then yes, I will marry you.
Yay! Everyone, I've got a surprise.
Whoa! I did not see that coming.
No, Chris, I haven't said it yet.
Today was the last day of the low airfares, and I couldn't let the opportunity pass, so I got us tickets to Italy! That's amazing, Mom! Lois, is Peter okay with this? Well, Brian, I haven't quite told him yet.
But what if he says no? He can't say no.
I already bought the tickets.
Tickets for what? Uh, uh tickets for the, um, the grand opening of the biggest water park in all of Rhode Island.
Hmm, well, pardon my skepticism, Lois, but I didn't read about this in the latest issue of Water Park Enthusiast Weekly.
Well, they-they had to, um, keep it secret.
For fear that, um th-that this new park would put all other water parks out of business.
Typical Big Water.
Always keeping the public in the dark.
So this one's bigger than Raging Waters? Yeah, Dad.
It's way bigger.
How does the boy know? Uh, because I-I told him.
I-I know someone who-who helped, uh, build it.
Wow, so we really got an inside track on this thing.
But it can't be bigger than Six Flags Atlantis.
Oh, it is, Peter, it is.
Because it's Seven Flags Atlantis.
(gasps) That's a whole flag more of water! Get in the car! Okay, everyone, put the sunblock on now, so when we get off the plane, we go right to the park.
Wait, why are we on a plane? Uh, you-you want to beat the lines, don't you, Peter? All-all right, Brian, enough.
I-I can't do this anymore.
Peter, we're not going to a water park.
We're going to Italy.
What?! But what about Seven Flags Atlantis? Peter, don't be silly.
Th-There's no such place.
(over P.
A.
): This is your captain speaking.
If you look out the left side of the airplane, you'll see the very popular Seven Flags Atlantis.
Aw! (children laughing) I'm gonna go ahead and turn off the seatbelt sign, so you idiots can all stretch and let the fart festival begin.
Why are you such a dick, Jim? I'm just mad about pilot stuff.
I can't believe you tricked me into going to Italy.
Peter, our family could use a trip like this.
Plus, it might be good for you and me, too.
It's the most romantic country in the whole world.
And God knows we could use a little romance in our marriage.
What are you talking about? Just the other night we did that role-playing.
Did you like that game of mysterious intruder, Lois? I told you-- I don't know who you are.
And my name isn't Lois.
Mine is.
Let's do it again.
Is it true there's no drinking age here? And they serve wine at every meal? Oh, Meg, nobody likes a drunky-chunky.
In college, a lot of guys are gonna make you a dare.
Hey, you know what, guys? We're six hours ahead here.
I'm gonna call Joe and tell him the future.
(buttons beeping) Hey, Joe, guess what's about to happen? Who is this? It's Peter.
That's impossible.
Peter died six hours ago.
(gasps) We can't go back.
Look, kids, this is the Forum, where the ancient Romans used to have their famous political debates.
And this is the Penthouse Forum, where dirtbags write letters about boning in the back of grocery stores.
Well, who wants to see where the ancients established the foundation of our American democracy? And who wants to hear a story about a girl who moved to New York without any underpants? I don't know why we even go places.
We always just end up reading pornography.
We now return to Italian Star Trek.
I know I supposed to be-a so logical, but I get-a so steaming a-mad! Peter, the kids are going to the Italian circus, so I thought it might be romantic if we watched the sunset from St.
Peter's Basilica.
You go ahead, I'm gonna stay here and get frustrated with this nonresponsive hotel TV remote.
Come on! Guide! I'm pressing "Guide"! Stupid remote's not doing anything! Stop what you're doing! Peter, you can't just sit in front of the TV the entire vacation.
You know, I'm really getting tired of you being such a complete stick-in-the-mud.
Is that some kind of gay slur? I can't believe it's too much for you to watch a sunset with your wife in one of the most romantic cities in the world! But, you know what? It's probably for the best.
Because you'd just complain about it! Well, what do you expect, Lois? I didn't want to come here he first place.
I'd rather be back home.
You know, I could be riding seesaw with Joe.
Yay! Well, I guess we're stuck.
Hang on.
Let me empty this bag.
Yay, gross.
Fine, you just sit here on the couch.
I'll go enjoy Italy without you! God, what the hell's her problem? You know, sometimes I think you forget how lucky you are to have Lois.
Otherwise, you wouldn't be acting like such a jerk.
Oh, I'm getting it from you now? Don't worry about Lois.
She's an American woman in Italy.
She'll go out, kill her roommate during a sex game, and then she'll be fine.
She might come back even hotter.
Well, you might want to look out there.
What the hell's she doing with that Italian guy? (door opens, closes) CHRIS: Hey, guys? Do I got to tip the gondolier in here? I, uh, got a little blockage.
I break-a the poops up In-a little chunks I wish I had someone special to share this with.
Let me give you a tour on-a the Vespa.
I show you all-a the things I do all day that make-a me smell like this.
Hey, Lois, what the hell's going on here? Something you know nothing about.
Oh, man, she really is upset.
MAN: Having lady problems, are you, pal? Dean Martin?! What are you doing here? I thought you were dead.
Well, paisan, as long as love is alive in Italy, so am I.
Now, look, buddy, there's a million ways to lose a gal, but there's only one sure way to get her back.
Turn on the old Italian charm.
But I'm not Italian.
Well, you're in Italy, ain't you? I think so, I-I haven't been paying attention.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna ride this rigatoni into the sky.
Volare Oh, oh, oh, oh Cantare Oh, ho-ho-ho-ho Let's fly way up to the clouds (low whimpering) Dean, wait! BRIAN: Hey! Get away from him! Peter, you okay? Brian? What happened? I was watching you from the window.
When Lois pulled away on that motorcycle, you laid down on the ground and went to sleep.
Well, I'm awake now, Brian.
And I know what I've got to do.
Well, before you do anything, for God's sake, put some clothes on.
Brian, calm down.
In some countries, this is a compliment.
Mmm.
Mmmm! Oh, my goodness! Mmm-mm! Oh, please, come on.
Is just something I threw together.
What the hell? Mi amore! I am here to put you on a pedestal with Italian romance.
Look, Peter, showing up here in that stupid costume isn't going to win me over.
That's because you lack the passion of true Italian.
Mi amore! Peter, stop it.
Speak with your heart, not your mouth.
Ugh, damn it, Peter! You mean "Pietro.
" Well, by the laws of Italy, I must now kiss myself passionately.
Peter, are you all right? Are you kidding? I'm great! Bouncing around Italia 'Cause I'm a little ball I can fit wherever, 'cause I am really small And now, the next scene.
(crowd cheering) Peter, put me down! Lois, to prove my love, I have convinced to hold up a romantic message just for you.
Peter! Oh, they missed a letter.
Okay, I'll admit it-- this is pretty romantic.
Listen, Lois.
I'm sorry for being such a jerk, all right? I love you.
I want to have your baby.
Peter, not on a boat.
Peter Oh, Peter Come on, Lois, I got a ninety-percenter going.
It could go either way.
Let's start making choices.
Oh, Peter I love you.
I love you, too.
Wow, Peter, last night was the best sex I've ever had.
Me, too.
We haven't done it like that since we were engaged but allowed to sleep with other people.
The point is, Italy is the best thing that ever happened to us.
I know, it's been wonderful.
I wish we never had to leave.
Well, then, let's not.
Let's live here.
What? Peter, but but we've built a life back in Quahog.
Yeah, but you were right, Lois, we were stagnating back home.
Let's start a new life, right here in Italy.
Peter, those were our passports! We don't need them anymore.
Kids, I got an announcement.
He's wearing a rubber.
We're staying in Italy.
We're Italian now.
What?! Are you kidding?! Well, if we're going to be Italian, I guess we should start murdering our brothers.
What are you? (gagging) You break-a my heart, Chris.
You break-a my heart.
("Funiculi Funicula" plays) (bicycle bell dings) Hey, Peter, what's-a you rush? I got-a the most beautiful woman in the world at home, and I no wanna keep her waiting.
Hey, Vincenzo, play me a tune, huh? (playing "Yankee Doodle Dandy") Oh, Vincenzo! Insalata Caprese! ("Funiculi Funicula" resumes) Ah, Italy.
It 9:00 a.
m.
and I've already kissed eight guys twice.
Why-a you looking at other babies, huh? Why you make-a me do that, Ruperto? I no wanna do that! Peter, I know you love it here, but riding your bike around town isn't paying the bills, and the kids aren't learning anything at that Italian school.
Look at these big ones, huh? Rut-ta-ta ta-ta, rut-ta-ta ta-ta, rut-ta-ta ta-ta! Is this calculus? I don't know.
Rut-ta-ta ta-ta! I think maybe it's time to go back to our real home in Quahog.
But I thought you loved Italy.
And Italian Peter.
And Southern Italian Peter.
Olive oil! I do, but I love American Peter even more.
Lois is right.
We're barely surviving here.
I mean, you have to give most of what you earn to the mafia that terrorizes this village.
(tires screeching) Peter, I think it's time we all go back home.
(sighs): Of course we have to leave as soon as I get an Italian boyfriend.
You know, I still don't understand what he does for a living.
He gathers coins from the air by jumping on mushrooms.
What's so hard to understand?! ("Super Mario Bros.
" music plays) Hey, Meg, let's go-a two-player! I got-a Luigi here, huh? Hey, Meg-a! Mario said-a you were into-a weird-a stuff.
So, you see, Mr.
Consulate, all we want to do is get back to our home in America.
So, can we have our new passports now? Mr.
Griffin, it's not as simple as that.
Your family must take a citizenship test and go through the immigration process like any other foreigner.
Foreigner? We're not foreigners.
Sorry, Mrs.
Griffin.
Not only did you destroy your passports, you renounced our citizenship.
When did we do that? Oh, I did that on the Italian social networking site, "Shut-up-a-you-facebook.
" All right, Meg, part of being an American citizen is having an opinion on certain hot-button political issues.
Now, what is your abortion stance? It's pretty much this.
Now, if you will, please sing the national anthem of the United States.
O say can you see By the dawn's early light What so proudly we hailed At the twilight's last gleaming And I Eee-I (inhales deeply) Will always love you-ooh Oh-I-ee-I Okay, I've reviewed your application.
Now, where you listed employment, some of you wrote "Family Guy," and others wrote "The Family Guy.
" Which one is it? (sighs): It's "Family Guy.
" All right, now that you've completed your initial application, it will need to be filed by an immigration lawyer at a cost of approximately $5,000 per person.
And assuming that all goes through, you should have your citizenship back in 16 months.
Sixteen months? If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were making it hard to become a citizen on purpose.
Like you don't want any immigrants coming to the U.
S.
I wish that were true, Mrs.
Griffin, and it probably might be.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go sit on my fat wife.
WOMAN: I'm ready for you, String Bean! What a weird guy.
Oh, this is terrible.
Peter, what are we going to do? I'll tell you what we're going to do.
We're going to sneak in.
Well, we better get there soon.
I want to be there for opening night of Karate Kid 5.
Mr.
Miyagi, this is kind of embarrassing, but I'm having a problem with erectile dysfunction.
Aye, Daniel-san.
Miyagi fix.
(horn honks) (crane whirring) (clearing throat) Well, I'm so glad to finally be back home in Quahog.
Although, I will miss Italy.
You made the trip very special for me, Peter.
Well, thanks for showing me and the kids what the rest of the world is like, Lois.
I think we all learned a lot.
And we met a lot of great people.
Hey, what about that couple we met in Amalfi? Did you get their number? I did.
You ready? Yup.
Okay, it's Well, I can't wait to see the rest of the world with you guys.
(pounding at door) Mario! You came for me! Come with me, Meg, my princess.
We gonna take this relationship to the next level.
(game music playing) MEG: Luigi's here again? I thought that was a one-time thing.
MARIO: He like-a my sloppy seconds.
LUIGI: We-a plumber brothers.
We-a not-a high class people.