Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s12e05 Episode Script
That's Not Captain Zero
What time do you call this? Time tha' come up here and carried me off to paradise! You want carrying off somewhere(!) It's midsummer, lass! Don't thee ever wake up in the morning with all tha hormones tingling? Yours wouldn't tingle so much if you got up earlier.
Oh, 'eck! Don't you think of anything but washing and cleaning? Tha's got yourself into a rut, tha' knows.
Tha' wants to wake up one morning, pop up here and give tha' scruffy little friend a great big cuddle! Oh, close your window! I shouldn't be standing here talking to raggy underwear.
I'd get meself some new underwear, providing thee did the same.
I WON'T have you talking about my underwear! They're not much to talk about, are they? A bloke won't get much of a tingle out of a pair o' them! 'Morning, Howard.
'Morning, Cleggie.
I've been meaning to ask you, Cleggie.
Did your wife ever .
.
have an unsightly mole with a hair in it? I can't remember.
I was never any good at detail.
Well, I can't be sure, but I'm wondering if Pearl's growing an unsightly mole with a hair in it.
Why can't you be sure? Well, you can't without looking closely.
And you know Pearl.
I could get mauled to death for looking closely.
She's easier with other people.
I wondered if you'd have a look sometime.
Where is it, Howard? Under her chin.
Well, thanks all the same, but I'm the wrong age for looking closely at people.
A frenzy of human activity(!) We were just chatting.
You could talk to me.
I DO talk to you! Oh, yes.
"Where's me pullover?" "I can't find me socks.
" "Pearl, would you have a look at this? I think it's going septic.
" What are you looking at?! Get away, you barmy devils! BIRDSONG Howard's wondering if Pearl has got an unsightly mole with a hair in it.
I'd have thought he'd be in a relatively good position to know.
Well, he says not.
I had a bird once called Thelma.
She had an unsightly mole with a hair in it.
Somehow I find that very believable.
Nobody could call her handsome.
But she could fry chips like nobody else since.
She could do magical things with chips.
The way they disappear down your throat, the same thing could be said about you.
Of course, in those days, your fried chip wasn't seen as the lethal enemy it is now.
There are people about who think one chip and it's IMITATES DEATH-RATTLE Anybody 'ungry? Well, that's your fault.
Put me well over budget this week.
Aw (!) Not bad chips, Ivy.
What do you mean, not bad? What's wrong with me chips? I said, "Not bad chips"! They're GOOD chips! You come in, rubbishing me chips.
I won't say a word in future! Can we have that in writing? What we could do this pm is go to the garden party.
Are we going to the garden party? I might look in at it.
I hate being there when they're judging Nora Batty's buns.
The tension is unbearable.
She'll be in a good mood, though, if she wins.
I can work on that.
What's the attraction this year? Same as usual - Nora Batty! No, I mean what is the professional main attraction? Well, it's on all the posters.
Captain Zero, the Human Cannonball.
What a way to earn a living! He must be a right pillock! Goodbye, Howard! If you're going to shout in the street, the name's Eric! He's faster than Captain Zero! I wonder what Captain Zero's like? He's ninepence to the shilling.
Oh, no.
I think a man who dices with danger on a daily basis must have a certain nobility.
Einstein said when two bodies are moving in space I really fancy Chalkie's Girl in the 3.
30.
I think one morning we ought to go on a route-march.
I miss the old route-marches.
We could put heavy packs on our backs and have a really good time.
You're not interested in Einstein? I really do fancy Chalkie's Girl.
There's nothing like the afterglow.
That's more or less what Einstein said.
When two bodies are moving in space Hey, up! Who's this Herbert? So there IS life in these parts! Ooh, am I glad to see you.
Oh, dear, I'm knackered.
The van's knackered and I'm due to perform.
I'm Captain Zero.
Oh! The Human Cannonball.
Why does everybody do that? People always do that.
I should think so! Why don't you use your real name? Who's he? Somebody's agent? What IS your real name? .
.
Clutterbuck.
That explains it! Tha' doesn't look much of a Captain Zero to me! Listen, I can't stand around all day raising laughs.
I'm broken down.
Can you direct me to the nearest telephone? Broken down? How far? All the way broken down.
Stopped! That's really broken down! Sounds to me like HE'S broken down! It never fails.
I have this gift in emergencies of finding comedians.
This is your lucky day! You have stumbled across former Corporal Dewhurst.
Where is your vehicle? About half a mile down the road.
Come along.
I'll take a look at it.
Is he any good? Tell him.
Rubbish! Oh, great(!) Tha' secret's safe with us, Howard! HOWARD: Who's that with you? Captain Zero.
CHUCKLES The Human Cannonball! LOUD GUFFAWS Try it now.
ENGINE LABOURS BUT FAILS TO IGNITE Try it again.
DRY RASPING What did I tell thee? A right pillock! I like him.
You've got to have a bit of sympathy for anybody who's relying on Foggy.
Ye-es.
Well, I can see what it is.
What? You've broken down.
C-Can't you do anything at ALL? Don't go to pieces, man.
Of course we can do something.
We can direct you to the nearest telephone.
Hey, up, Eli! How do, lads! Whoops! Come back here! Hello, lads! How do, Eli! Who's that wi' you? Captain Zero.
The Human Cannonball! There's always some damn fool living dangerously! - He hasn't turned up yet, then? - Who? - The Human Cannonball.
He never turned up for me either.
All I got were a squib.
I wouldn't mind, but he keeps going off! Can I? No! What did me father want? I don't know.
But if I give in this early, it's going to be a long day.
Is he married, I wonder? Fancy being married to a human cannonball.
He must be continually scorched round the edges.
Every time there was a bang, you wouldn't dare duck in case your 'usband was passing! If there's one thing men enjoy, it's making an exhibition.
They can't sit and knit.
They have to go and scale Everest.
Mine's always on the North Side of trouble! I mean, how could you tell anybody your 'usband was a cannonball? I think I'd lie.
Oh, it wouldn't be a lie in that case.
You can claim self-defence.
Your friend, Wesley Pegden's picking us up.
Right.
Let's get comfy.
STOP ! Where do you think you're going? To rescue Captain Zero.
He's broken down.
What's wrong? The Human Cannonball's broken down! Ohh! Doesn't surprise me.
Men always have more ambition than aptitude.
^ It's Nature's way of getting 'em out from under the feet of busy women.
Go and fetch 'im, then.
And don't be long and don't get your shirt dirty.
He's a terrible dud to be sending.
Dad's good with engines.
It's his judgement that's lacking.
- They have a great bad judgement.
- As if they'd learned it at school.
I find it best not to listen.
What? That's it! You've got it! We'll have another? Another?! You heard him.
Don't interfere! Shouldn't you keep a clear head for your sort of game? For being shot out of a cannon? It helps if you're smashed out of your brain.
I can see that! I'm not going in that cannon without a touch of Insanity? Chemical support.
I think that's very irresponsible.
Ammunition and alcohol don't mix.
Mind you, all he's got to do is hit the net.
Any fool can do THAT.
It's not like picking off a camouflaged Jap at half a mile.
Tha's never had owt more lethal than a pen-nib.
A really sharp pen-nib.
Should've had me Land-rover! You 'ave to keep your elbows in.
And just before you land, preferably in the net, you 'ave to make yourself as small as possible.
Oh, yes, but isn't it dangerous? They all say that.
It's very like paratroop training.
SLURRED: What 'appens if you miss the net? I find the best plan is to start screaming.
Now THAT basically is the position.
Try it.
It's second nature to me after dropping out of aeroplanes.
Tha's never BEEN in an aeroplane! .
.
Norman, what's up? It's h-high.
.
.
The table.
I never realised it was so high! Elbows in! And landing positions! What the chuff is this, then?! OUT ! NOW ! I've got no licence for upstairs! Do you think somebody could give me a hand down? I-I wouldn't ask except I NEED a h-hand down! It's so humiliating.
I've never been thrown out of a pub before.
Just keep t'elbows in! How I kept me hands off him! Probably because you ran away.
That must have helped.
Well, I had to.
Otherwise I could have killed him.
If we could get her up to the top of the hill, we could run her down and she'd start.
How far to the top? About 100 yards.
And how far have we gone? About 1½ foot.
Couldn't we try something else - like packing it in? Oh, don't do that! DON'T do that! We're getting nowhere! Nora Batty's for getting nowhere.
Not tatty old vans! Thanks (!) It's the weight of the cannon.
If we unhooked the cannon, then push-started the van, we could come back for the cannon.
Just when you think he's a total wally! Nearly there.
He likes his pop.
I should think so in his profession.
Stand by to jump in! JUMP IN ! Here we go, then! I think we'd better wait for your friend Wesley Pegden.
That's right.
Make yourselves comfortable.
Have you seen the Human Cannonball? I think that's this lady's business, don't you? Don't you ever think about it? Sometimes.
You should.
What's your reaction going to be when we walk into a situation where there's a gun pointing at us? # I fly through the air with the greatest of ease # With me elbows well in and me hands on me knees # I fly through the air and I land in the net # I might, pray, be dead but I haven't done # Kindly don't touch the cannon! Are you the driver of this van? Oh, aye! I suppose you're wondering who I am.
I'm sure you'll tell us.
I'm Captain Zero.
The Human Cannonball.
And we're Puff the Magic Dragon! BAND PLAYS: "John Brown's Body" They'll turn him loose once he's had a blood test and sobered up.
You just keep things going till then.
If the crowd thinks he's not coming, they'll leave.
And I will ! Oh, no, you're not going to leave.
You must mingle with the crowd and give the impression Captain Zero's already arrived.
It's a piece of cake.
You just have to swagger about among the ladies.
You get all the glory and none of the danger.
All the glory? Absolutely.
None of the danger? Oh, there's no danger.
Not unless you get ravished by adoring female fans.
Ooh, Norm, I'm going to like this! You little devil, you! You were born for showbiz, eh? No question about it! I'm going to like it! Pull your goggles down and pretend to be the Human Cannonball.
The rather mental Human Cannonball! Oh, yes! I'm going to LIKE this! Oh! Ooh! He's making a bit of a meal of it.
You know these showbiz types.
Who's that idiot kissing my wife? That's a well-known idiot.
That is Captain Zero.
He's got a damn nerve, kissing wives! Of course he has.
That's what he lives for - risking his life to thrill the crowd.
How do, Howard! Tha's nothing to worry about.
Tha wife does not have an unsightly mole with a hair in it.
Your wife's face is as smooth as a baby's bum! Never you mind how smooth she is! All right, my female fans! I'm ready for a ravish! TANNOY: 'And now it's time for those of a nervous disposition to depart 'as Captain Zero fearlessly faces danger! He will be fired from the cannon into the jaws of death!' I don't want to walk with death! You can't let people down now.
You said there'd be no danger! The man's been doing it for years.
And look at the state of him! Just keep your elbows in.
Where's the net? It's over there, waiting for you.
Don't miss it! Don't worry.
I'm used to firearms.
Tell Nora Batty I'm leaving her me ferrets.
Don't worry.
I'll use a smaller charge.
It's dark! Let me out! Right! I tell thee what - it's warm in there! It's warm out here an' all ! I know that face! That's not Captain Zero! BBC Scotland - 1990
Oh, 'eck! Don't you think of anything but washing and cleaning? Tha's got yourself into a rut, tha' knows.
Tha' wants to wake up one morning, pop up here and give tha' scruffy little friend a great big cuddle! Oh, close your window! I shouldn't be standing here talking to raggy underwear.
I'd get meself some new underwear, providing thee did the same.
I WON'T have you talking about my underwear! They're not much to talk about, are they? A bloke won't get much of a tingle out of a pair o' them! 'Morning, Howard.
'Morning, Cleggie.
I've been meaning to ask you, Cleggie.
Did your wife ever .
.
have an unsightly mole with a hair in it? I can't remember.
I was never any good at detail.
Well, I can't be sure, but I'm wondering if Pearl's growing an unsightly mole with a hair in it.
Why can't you be sure? Well, you can't without looking closely.
And you know Pearl.
I could get mauled to death for looking closely.
She's easier with other people.
I wondered if you'd have a look sometime.
Where is it, Howard? Under her chin.
Well, thanks all the same, but I'm the wrong age for looking closely at people.
A frenzy of human activity(!) We were just chatting.
You could talk to me.
I DO talk to you! Oh, yes.
"Where's me pullover?" "I can't find me socks.
" "Pearl, would you have a look at this? I think it's going septic.
" What are you looking at?! Get away, you barmy devils! BIRDSONG Howard's wondering if Pearl has got an unsightly mole with a hair in it.
I'd have thought he'd be in a relatively good position to know.
Well, he says not.
I had a bird once called Thelma.
She had an unsightly mole with a hair in it.
Somehow I find that very believable.
Nobody could call her handsome.
But she could fry chips like nobody else since.
She could do magical things with chips.
The way they disappear down your throat, the same thing could be said about you.
Of course, in those days, your fried chip wasn't seen as the lethal enemy it is now.
There are people about who think one chip and it's IMITATES DEATH-RATTLE Anybody 'ungry? Well, that's your fault.
Put me well over budget this week.
Aw (!) Not bad chips, Ivy.
What do you mean, not bad? What's wrong with me chips? I said, "Not bad chips"! They're GOOD chips! You come in, rubbishing me chips.
I won't say a word in future! Can we have that in writing? What we could do this pm is go to the garden party.
Are we going to the garden party? I might look in at it.
I hate being there when they're judging Nora Batty's buns.
The tension is unbearable.
She'll be in a good mood, though, if she wins.
I can work on that.
What's the attraction this year? Same as usual - Nora Batty! No, I mean what is the professional main attraction? Well, it's on all the posters.
Captain Zero, the Human Cannonball.
What a way to earn a living! He must be a right pillock! Goodbye, Howard! If you're going to shout in the street, the name's Eric! He's faster than Captain Zero! I wonder what Captain Zero's like? He's ninepence to the shilling.
Oh, no.
I think a man who dices with danger on a daily basis must have a certain nobility.
Einstein said when two bodies are moving in space I really fancy Chalkie's Girl in the 3.
30.
I think one morning we ought to go on a route-march.
I miss the old route-marches.
We could put heavy packs on our backs and have a really good time.
You're not interested in Einstein? I really do fancy Chalkie's Girl.
There's nothing like the afterglow.
That's more or less what Einstein said.
When two bodies are moving in space Hey, up! Who's this Herbert? So there IS life in these parts! Ooh, am I glad to see you.
Oh, dear, I'm knackered.
The van's knackered and I'm due to perform.
I'm Captain Zero.
Oh! The Human Cannonball.
Why does everybody do that? People always do that.
I should think so! Why don't you use your real name? Who's he? Somebody's agent? What IS your real name? .
.
Clutterbuck.
That explains it! Tha' doesn't look much of a Captain Zero to me! Listen, I can't stand around all day raising laughs.
I'm broken down.
Can you direct me to the nearest telephone? Broken down? How far? All the way broken down.
Stopped! That's really broken down! Sounds to me like HE'S broken down! It never fails.
I have this gift in emergencies of finding comedians.
This is your lucky day! You have stumbled across former Corporal Dewhurst.
Where is your vehicle? About half a mile down the road.
Come along.
I'll take a look at it.
Is he any good? Tell him.
Rubbish! Oh, great(!) Tha' secret's safe with us, Howard! HOWARD: Who's that with you? Captain Zero.
CHUCKLES The Human Cannonball! LOUD GUFFAWS Try it now.
ENGINE LABOURS BUT FAILS TO IGNITE Try it again.
DRY RASPING What did I tell thee? A right pillock! I like him.
You've got to have a bit of sympathy for anybody who's relying on Foggy.
Ye-es.
Well, I can see what it is.
What? You've broken down.
C-Can't you do anything at ALL? Don't go to pieces, man.
Of course we can do something.
We can direct you to the nearest telephone.
Hey, up, Eli! How do, lads! Whoops! Come back here! Hello, lads! How do, Eli! Who's that wi' you? Captain Zero.
The Human Cannonball! There's always some damn fool living dangerously! - He hasn't turned up yet, then? - Who? - The Human Cannonball.
He never turned up for me either.
All I got were a squib.
I wouldn't mind, but he keeps going off! Can I? No! What did me father want? I don't know.
But if I give in this early, it's going to be a long day.
Is he married, I wonder? Fancy being married to a human cannonball.
He must be continually scorched round the edges.
Every time there was a bang, you wouldn't dare duck in case your 'usband was passing! If there's one thing men enjoy, it's making an exhibition.
They can't sit and knit.
They have to go and scale Everest.
Mine's always on the North Side of trouble! I mean, how could you tell anybody your 'usband was a cannonball? I think I'd lie.
Oh, it wouldn't be a lie in that case.
You can claim self-defence.
Your friend, Wesley Pegden's picking us up.
Right.
Let's get comfy.
STOP ! Where do you think you're going? To rescue Captain Zero.
He's broken down.
What's wrong? The Human Cannonball's broken down! Ohh! Doesn't surprise me.
Men always have more ambition than aptitude.
^ It's Nature's way of getting 'em out from under the feet of busy women.
Go and fetch 'im, then.
And don't be long and don't get your shirt dirty.
He's a terrible dud to be sending.
Dad's good with engines.
It's his judgement that's lacking.
- They have a great bad judgement.
- As if they'd learned it at school.
I find it best not to listen.
What? That's it! You've got it! We'll have another? Another?! You heard him.
Don't interfere! Shouldn't you keep a clear head for your sort of game? For being shot out of a cannon? It helps if you're smashed out of your brain.
I can see that! I'm not going in that cannon without a touch of Insanity? Chemical support.
I think that's very irresponsible.
Ammunition and alcohol don't mix.
Mind you, all he's got to do is hit the net.
Any fool can do THAT.
It's not like picking off a camouflaged Jap at half a mile.
Tha's never had owt more lethal than a pen-nib.
A really sharp pen-nib.
Should've had me Land-rover! You 'ave to keep your elbows in.
And just before you land, preferably in the net, you 'ave to make yourself as small as possible.
Oh, yes, but isn't it dangerous? They all say that.
It's very like paratroop training.
SLURRED: What 'appens if you miss the net? I find the best plan is to start screaming.
Now THAT basically is the position.
Try it.
It's second nature to me after dropping out of aeroplanes.
Tha's never BEEN in an aeroplane! .
.
Norman, what's up? It's h-high.
.
.
The table.
I never realised it was so high! Elbows in! And landing positions! What the chuff is this, then?! OUT ! NOW ! I've got no licence for upstairs! Do you think somebody could give me a hand down? I-I wouldn't ask except I NEED a h-hand down! It's so humiliating.
I've never been thrown out of a pub before.
Just keep t'elbows in! How I kept me hands off him! Probably because you ran away.
That must have helped.
Well, I had to.
Otherwise I could have killed him.
If we could get her up to the top of the hill, we could run her down and she'd start.
How far to the top? About 100 yards.
And how far have we gone? About 1½ foot.
Couldn't we try something else - like packing it in? Oh, don't do that! DON'T do that! We're getting nowhere! Nora Batty's for getting nowhere.
Not tatty old vans! Thanks (!) It's the weight of the cannon.
If we unhooked the cannon, then push-started the van, we could come back for the cannon.
Just when you think he's a total wally! Nearly there.
He likes his pop.
I should think so in his profession.
Stand by to jump in! JUMP IN ! Here we go, then! I think we'd better wait for your friend Wesley Pegden.
That's right.
Make yourselves comfortable.
Have you seen the Human Cannonball? I think that's this lady's business, don't you? Don't you ever think about it? Sometimes.
You should.
What's your reaction going to be when we walk into a situation where there's a gun pointing at us? # I fly through the air with the greatest of ease # With me elbows well in and me hands on me knees # I fly through the air and I land in the net # I might, pray, be dead but I haven't done # Kindly don't touch the cannon! Are you the driver of this van? Oh, aye! I suppose you're wondering who I am.
I'm sure you'll tell us.
I'm Captain Zero.
The Human Cannonball.
And we're Puff the Magic Dragon! BAND PLAYS: "John Brown's Body" They'll turn him loose once he's had a blood test and sobered up.
You just keep things going till then.
If the crowd thinks he's not coming, they'll leave.
And I will ! Oh, no, you're not going to leave.
You must mingle with the crowd and give the impression Captain Zero's already arrived.
It's a piece of cake.
You just have to swagger about among the ladies.
You get all the glory and none of the danger.
All the glory? Absolutely.
None of the danger? Oh, there's no danger.
Not unless you get ravished by adoring female fans.
Ooh, Norm, I'm going to like this! You little devil, you! You were born for showbiz, eh? No question about it! I'm going to like it! Pull your goggles down and pretend to be the Human Cannonball.
The rather mental Human Cannonball! Oh, yes! I'm going to LIKE this! Oh! Ooh! He's making a bit of a meal of it.
You know these showbiz types.
Who's that idiot kissing my wife? That's a well-known idiot.
That is Captain Zero.
He's got a damn nerve, kissing wives! Of course he has.
That's what he lives for - risking his life to thrill the crowd.
How do, Howard! Tha's nothing to worry about.
Tha wife does not have an unsightly mole with a hair in it.
Your wife's face is as smooth as a baby's bum! Never you mind how smooth she is! All right, my female fans! I'm ready for a ravish! TANNOY: 'And now it's time for those of a nervous disposition to depart 'as Captain Zero fearlessly faces danger! He will be fired from the cannon into the jaws of death!' I don't want to walk with death! You can't let people down now.
You said there'd be no danger! The man's been doing it for years.
And look at the state of him! Just keep your elbows in.
Where's the net? It's over there, waiting for you.
Don't miss it! Don't worry.
I'm used to firearms.
Tell Nora Batty I'm leaving her me ferrets.
Don't worry.
I'll use a smaller charge.
It's dark! Let me out! Right! I tell thee what - it's warm in there! It's warm out here an' all ! I know that face! That's not Captain Zero! BBC Scotland - 1990