Big Bang Theory s12e06 Episode Script

1 Hey, did you guys know this year's the 40th anniversary of Halloween? - Oh, nonsense.
Halloween traditions of date back to the Celtic festival of Samhain.
Although our current Halloween customs come from the evening before All Hallows' Day-- All Hallows' Eve-- thus, Halloween.
I meant the movie Halloween.
Oh.
Well, that's not interesting at all.
Did you know the Michael Myers mask from the film was actually a Captain Kirk mask turned inside out? Okay, now it's interesting.
Are you guys all dressing up for work? Of course.
I mean, how often do you get to wear costumes to work? Says the man with a giant belt buckle and a dickey.
Hey, this is not a costume.
It's a choice.
It's a style.
It's a tragedy.
Bernadette, why don't we get to dress up at work? We used to, but a couple guys in the infectious disease lab went as zombies and it triggered a quarantine.
The CDC was so mad.
Hey, if you really want to dress up, we could throw a party.
Oh, that would be fun.
You know, I used to throw Halloween parties all the time when I moved into the building.
All the time? I only remember being invited to one.
Please don't make this awkward for me.
Okay, so, Friday night-- Halloween party here.
- Okay.
Great.
Can't wait.
What are you going as? I don't want to ruin the surprise.
You'll see it at work.
Just a warning: it's pretty scary.
- Is it a bird? - No.
- Is it a dog? - No.
Oh, I think I'll be fine, then.
Hello.
Hello.
I see you are dressed as Doc Brown from Back to the Future.
May I assume that Amy is going as his wife, Clara Clayton, from Back to the Future Part III? She is.
Did you do something different to your hair? Yes.
Looking good.
The Big Bang Theory 12x06 The Imitation Perturbation Original Air D Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started Wait! The Earth began to cool The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools We built the Wall We built the pyramids Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery That all started with a big bang Bang! Oh, Inspector Gadget.
And I want to say Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
So close.
Kooth Bader Ginsburg.
(chuckles) The Notorious KBG.
That's very clever.
Sustained.
Are you gonna dress in drag in front of your fiancée? Yeah.
We have no secrets from each other.
Well, except for the fact that I-I crocheted this myself.
Hey, Sheldon.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Oh, my God, you look amazing.
KOOTHRAPPALI: I find you guilty of murder, because you are killing it.
(imitating Sheldon): Well, technically, the Supreme Court wouldn't determine a defendant's guilt or innocence in a criminal matter.
They could only reverse or revamp a jury's conviction based on a constitutional or statutory issue.
(both laughing) Why are you laughing? His statement was factually correct.
(both laughing) You're sitting in my spot.
You don't have a spot.
- What is wrong with you today? KOOTHRAPPALI: Maybe he's cranky because he's off his bathroom schedule.
Well, I can understand how that would make someone irritable.
Interesting fact: "irritable" comes from the Latin, "susceptible to anger.
" Just because I used a word doesn't mean I want its etymology.
Interesting fact: "etymology" comes from the Greek word You are being so annoying.
Stop it.
And why are you two laughing? (chuckles) Sheldon, he's being you.
He's dressed as you for Halloween.
Oh.
So you're not laughing at him.
You're laughing at me.
We're not laughing at you.
We're laughing with you.
But I'm not laughing.
Then the first one.
(footsteps approaching) Ready to go? Hey, why aren't you in your costume? I just didn't feel like it.
You get that I'm wearing a corset because of you, not because I'm tired of breathing? Amy, do you think I'm always correcting other people? No, not all the time.
I mean, just last week, Penny ended a sentence with a preposition.
You didn't even mention it.
True.
I just waited until I got home and screamed into a pillow.
Is something bothering you? Howard dressed up as me and imitated me, and everyone laughed.
Oh.
Well, that must have felt terrible.
It did.
I never realized my friends viewed me as an object of ridicule.
Oh, I don't think that's true.
They laughed, Amy.
In a derisive way.
Not in the instructive way I laugh at them when they're being stupid.
- Hey, happy Halloween.
- Oh! - Trick or treat.
- No.
Sorry, you're not wearing a costume.
Yeah, I am.
I'm a pharmaceutical sales rep.
I'm gonna need more.
Okay, failed actress who traded constant rejection for a Christmas bonus and a dental plan? - Go nuts.
- Oh.
I will.
So, what are you wearing to the party? Sexy cat? Sexy nurse? Sexy zombie? Why do girls' costumes have to be sexy but guys' costumes don't? (scoffs) Say that again with this helicopter on my head.
Very cute.
Hey, do you remember what happened at that first Halloween party that you invited me to? When I threw up in the pumpkin? More memorable than that.
(chuckles): Really? That was pretty impressive.
We had our first kiss.
On this very couch.
No, no, our first kiss was at your birthday.
Remember? I threw you a party, you didn't make it, and I felt bad for you.
No, no, it was on Halloween, and you felt bad for me.
If we're gonna go through every party where I felt bad for you, we're gonna be here awhile.
Never mind.
What? You're not mad at me, are you? No.
Of course not.
No, we just remember different things from that party.
I remember falling in love, and you remember vomiting in a pumpkin.
I was, like, four feet away.
People cheered.
- Here you go.
- Thanks.
So, did you see Howard's costume? See it? I made it.
It was hilarious.
Well, Sheldon didn't think so, and neither did I.
Oh, come on.
It was all in good fun.
Well, I'm sure it was, but Sheldon's feelings got hurt.
M-Maybe Howard could apologize? You're kidding, right? Sheldon didn't apologize when he said my baby looked like Winston Churchill.
He loves Churchill.
Your son should take that as a compliment.
He said it about my daughter.
Well, this isn't about Sheldon.
This is about Howard.
I think it is about Sheldon.
How many times has he made fun of Howard for being an engineer? Going to MIT? His magic? Sheldon doesn't make fun of his magic.
Well, he should.
It's stupid.
Anyway, the point is, Sheldon shouldn't dish it out if he can't take it.
I think the point is that Howard owes him an apology.
Yeah, well, I think the point is if Sheldon has a problem with Howard, Sheldon should take it up with him.
HALLEY (over monitor): Mama.
Now, if you'll excuse me, the prime minister of England needs her diaper changed.
KOOTHRAPPALI: Hey.
LEONARD: Oh, that's great.
He's a Supreme Court justice, and you're the U.
S.
Constitution.
Yep.
He interprets me.
And guess what's underneath this? The Bill of Tights.
Smart, funny, gorgeous-- are we a match or what? Hey, Bert, what are you dressed as? I'll give you a hint.
My work in seismic refraction measurements and Hey, Stuart, what are you dressed as? I'm a butterfly.
Did you steal those from Halley's "let's pretend" box? I'm gonna put them back.
All right, I'll tell you.
I'm Maurice "Doc" Ewing, winner of the 1960 Vetlesen Prize, generally regarded as the Nobel Prize of geology.
Oh, yeah.
Now I see it.
Ask me how I died.
Spoiler alert: brain hemorrhage.
(Cockney accent): Well, Gorblimey.
You look like a thousand tuppence.
Don't he, Mary Poppins? Are you gonna talk like that all night? Jiff willikers, I am.
Isn't he cute? He's gonna get a spoonful of sugar later.
And I'm gonna sweep Ms.
Poppins' chimney.
(honks) So, here we are.
On Halloween.
On this couch.
Does it ring any bells? Really? We're still doing this? I'm just surprised you don't remember our first kiss.
(sighs) Fine.
It was on Halloween.
Are you agreeing just to shut me up? You got another way? I'm all ears.
- Really? An arranged marriage? KOOTHRAPPALI: Yeah.
I know how it sounds.
It sounds awesome.
Is that just an Indian thing, or can I get a piece of that? You know the woman has a choice, right? There's always a catch.
(imitating Bernadette): Happy Halloween.
Who wants to see a magic trick? Oh, that's right.
No one.
Ha! They're you.
What do you think you're doing? I thought it was clear.
I'm being unnecessarily hurtful but with a sweet voice.
And I don't understand what's going on because I went to MIT.
Okay, guys, I think that's enough.
Hold on.
I'm the judge here, and I'm going to allow it.
Raj, take a break.
Hey, free speech.
Right back there somewhere.
WOLOWITZ: You know what, guys? You got us.
Congratulations.
Now why don't you go back to your apartment and put on your other costumes.
Oh, but it's so far away, and I have such teeny, tiny legs.
Really? Our bodies? Is that where we're going, Amy? (normal voice): What's wrong with my body? Well, for starters, you have a quarter in your nose.
AMY: Not now, Sheldon.
I don't get invited to a lot of parties.
Is this a good one? Oh, yeah.
Did that guacamole taste weird to you? Tasted weird to me.
Can't believe Amy did that.
Oh, come on.
You thought it was funny when I dressed up as Sheldon.
That was totally different.
- How? - That didn't hurt my feelings.
Well, for what it's worth, I didn't think it was a very good impression of you.
Really? You don't think I have an annoying high-pitched voice? No, not at all.
In fact, I find your voice quite melodious.
Mm-hmm.
And you don't think I'm unnecessarily hurtful? What? I'm sorry.
I-I couldn't hear the question.
I just heard the music.
Well, people came, they ate, they vowed to never speak to each other again.
I think it was a successful party.
It was.
And I'm sorry about earlier.
I know it doesn't matter.
(sighs) No, it does matter.
Okay? You were right.
It was Halloween.
I was dressed as a cat, you were a hobbit.
It was right there on that couch.
Why didn't you just say that? Because I always hated that was our first kiss.
I was drunk, and I was still with Kurt, and I was using you to make myself feel better.
I just wanted our first kiss to mean something.
That's why I said it was the one on your birthday.
I like that.
We'll make that our official first kiss.
Thank you.
Aw.
(giggles) That was beautiful.
- Mm.
- What are you still doing here? I was in the bathroom.
Guacamole didn't agree with me.
Well, since you're here, you can help us clean up.
Will you take this out, please? Sure.
Thank you.
It's late.
Would you mind if I crashed here tonight? You are always welcome here.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
Where were we? I think Howard hurting my feelings has in some ways made me a better person.
Hmm.
Look at you, improving on perfection.
How so? As you were eating that Danish, I wanted to point out that the Danish isn't Danish at all.
It was imported by Austrian bakers during a labor dispute in the 1800s.
But I chose not to, because I didn't want to be the kind of fella who foists unwanted facts about European pastries on the unwilling.
Huh.
That's actually interesting.
Sorry.
Now you'll never know.
Hey, guys, I need your help.
(chuckles): Bernadette's still pretty upset about your costumes.
She's upset? Those pants I wore to make fun of you were so tight, I risked a testicular hernia.
Anyway, if you guys could apologize, it'd be a big help.
Oh, we'd be happy to apologize to her as soon as she apologizes to me for not making you apologize to Sheldon.
I didn't follow that, but, then, between my wife and that guacamole, I didn't get a lot of sleep last night.
Don't you think it's unreasonable for her to ask us to do something she refused to do? Yes.
So when can you stop by? (chuckles) I don't understand.
If it's unreasonable, why should we do it? Okay, how about this? You know in Star Wars when R2 and Chewbacca were playing holochess? Really? Star Wars? Amy, let the man speak.
WOLOWITZ: Well, Chewbacca was losing and getting angry and W-W-Wait.
Are you saying we should let the Wookiee win? (chuckles): Hey.
Hey, that's my wife you're talking about.
(whispers): But yes, let the Wookiee win.
Hello, Bernadette.
Wait, did you just walk into my house? No, Howard let me in.
Where is he? Oh, he got in his car and drove away.
Oh.
Is that watermelon for anybody? - It's for Halley.
- Is she gonna eat all of it? God, no wonder she looks like Churchill.
What do you want, Sheldon? Howard said your feelings were hurt.
Well, Howard's wrong.
I don't care if someone makes fun of me.
All right.
Apparently I came all this way for nothing.
Unless Halley wants to share that watermelon? You think Amy's the first person to make fun of me for having a squeaky voice? Do you? I feel like my chance at watermelon is dangling by a thread.
She's not.
It's been happening my whole life.
And-and she called me out for being mean? Well, I've had to be mean.
It's hard to be taken seriously when you're always the smallest person in the room.
I know that.
I was in high school when I was nine years old.
I tried to tell the other kids that although my physical stature was small, my intellectual stature towered over them.
That only seemed to make things worse.
The kids called me Bernadette the marionette.
(laughs): Because you're small.
That's funny.
No, it's not.
Well, people used to call me egghead 'cause there were eggs on my head.
'Cause they threw them at me.
That's terrible.
One time my brothers made me breathe helium.
I tried to call for help, but the only one who could hear me was the dog.
That's also terrible.
My goodness, you had to live in a house with a dog.
I guess we both had to put up with a lot of crap from people.
I suppose we have.
Huh.
Maybe you and I are more alike than we thought.
Maybe we are.
Although I'm exceptionally tall, and you're exceptionally - Sheldon.
- You didn't even let me finish.
- Fine.
Sorry.
- Short.
Sheldon, you sure you're ready for this? - This movie's pretty scary.
- Please.
I'm an adult.
I think I can handle it.
That's what you said about the butterfly pavilion at the zoo.
That was my fault.
After I pet that goat, I felt like a gladiator.
Okay, lights on, or lights off? Lights off.
If I'm gonna do this, I want to do it right.
(Halloween theme playing) What do you guys think you're doing? We're showing Sheldon Halloween.
Absolutely not.
Sheldon, come home.
(stammers) But I really want to watch it.
I know you do, but I am forbidding it.
Oh, man.
Sorry, guys.
- What took you so long? - I'm sorry.
I just got your text!