King of the Hill s12e06 Episode Script

(meat sizzling on grill) Oh, look at Hank Hill concentrate.
His mind a total blank.
He is in a state of redneck transcendence.
Such a shame someone with so much discipline not have more ambition.
(sizzling) Firm, but with a little give.
Yup, these are medium-rare.
What if somebody wants theirs well-done? We ask them politely, yet firmly to leave.
With great meat, son, comes great responsibility.
Dig in, everybody! DALE: All right! Yum! It's about time.
This is gonna be delicious.
I only wish I had as many stomachs as the animal I'm about to consume.
I can't tell if I'm starving or not hungry at all.
Guess we'll see.
What the? Peggy, how's your steak? It's good.
Not too tough? Uh-uh.
Bill, your steak how is it? Mm-hmm.
Can I help you? Well, I hope so.
I bought some steaks here yesterday, and they weren't very good.
Maybe you cooked them wrong.
Uh, you don't know me, so I'll pretend I didn't hear that.
I'm gonna have to ask to talk to the head butcher.
We don't actually have a butcher anymore.
Our meat comes pre-wrapped.
Ugh! Dang it, I just want a good steak.
You could try our organic line, Mega-Lorganic, but I think that's just the same stuff with a different label.
MAN: Psst! Dude, if you're looking for good meat, I can hook you up.
Appleseed? How do you know my name? It's me, Hank.
Uh, we spent a week together in the woods.
You lived in my neighbor's house.
Woods? Neighbors? (laughing): That does sound like me.
You got to shop at the co-op, Hank.
All their meat is organic, grass-fed and prime.
It's on the corner of Route 2 and Vista.
Co-op, huh? All those VWs in the parking lot, I just assumed it was a Unitarian church.
Uh, I'm looking for your meat department.
Make a left at the goji berries.
If you reach the spelt, you've gone too far.
Oh, this better be good steak.
It's beautiful.
When you see something you like, let me know.
I'll cut it as thick as you want.
Sir, if it wasn't covered in blood, I'd shake your hand.
I'll take four I'm afraid we can't sell you that.
What? Steve Greene, co-op founder.
(sighs) Hank Hill, paying customer.
You have to be a member to shop here, Hank.
Really? I'm a member of Triple A.
That doesn't help.
Are you sure? It's opened up a lot of doors in the past.
You see, Hank, we're a non-profit.
All of our members are co-owners, and are required to pay a small fee.
You also have to volunteer here a few hours a month.
(sighs) You got me over a barrel, Steve.
Okay, I'll join.
Great! I'll get an application.
But it'll take a few days to process.
The guy who does that is on a vision quest.
Appleseed? Uh, I need your help.
I want to get some meat, but I don't have the, uh, proper ID.
Hey, Hank, I got the meat.
Shh! (whispers): I got some other stuff, too.
Heirloom tomatoes, organic carrots and some hemp toilet paper.
Are you trying to frame me? (engine starting) (tires squeal) Well, it cuts good.
Consistent grain pattern.
Well, here it goes.
So? Is it good? The suspense is killing me.
It's the best steak I have ever eaten.
Peggy, I think we need to say grace again.
Mmm.
These potatoes are great! The tot is no longer my favorite kind of tater.
And this tomato is delicious, too! This is a tomato? I thought it was a heaven ball.
You two aren't making any sense.
Tomatoes don't have any flavor.
Mmm.
Hank, if this is food, what have we been eating? Welcome back, Hank.
Appleseed needs a hand in back.
Our other stock person didn't show up.
He had a good excuse, though: He flaked.
Well, I usually reserve this compliment for my wife, but this food is downright handsome.
All these berries need to go out to the produce section.
Guess we should get to work.
You're only taking one pint at a time? (laughs): Right.
I've got two hands, don't I? We should stack the boxes on that hand truck.
That way, it'll only take a couple trips, and one of us could be doing that while the other one can stack the display.
Hank, I think you might be the one.
Well, that's the last of them.
(humming) What on earth is Sunshine doing? An interpretive dance to entertain people waiting in line.
HANK: Uh, you know, if you want people to get through the line faster, we could open up a second register.
Wow! Can anyone here operate a hydraulic power loader? (chuckles) Uh, oh.
Am I really the only one? We need to pick up some produce from our farm.
Don't take any steep hills.
The truck runs on vegetable oil.
(chickens clucking) (sniffs) Ah manure.
You're from the co-op? Yes, sir.
Hank Hill.
So this is where my dinner came from.
These animals live better than most people I know.
Yep.
See, the steaks you buy at a grocery store come from penned-up steer.
Th-They feed 'em antibiotics and little bits of other cows and that makes them unhappy.
Well, it'd make me unhappy.
And it makes them taste terrible.
Boy, it sure does.
Our steer get to roam around in the sunshine.
They drink fresh water from that stream over there.
Trust me, the happier the steer, the better they taste.
They all look delicious.
You sure have been spending a lot of time with your new hippie friends, Hank.
Tell me, are you wearing tie-dye underwear? Are you wearing any underwear at all? (sighing): Guys, I am not now, nor will I ever be, a hippie.
I don't trust hippies.
They talk about free love, but when it comes time to get down to business, they've always got an excuse.
Okay, that's enough.
The people at the co-op are okay.
Sure, they dress a little funny and the puns about food get a little tiring: Peanut better, fakin' bacon, turkey burger but they sell good food.
Leave 'em alone.
So do they start every day with a drum circle? (sighs) I don't want to talk about it.
And that's how you rotate stock.
Steve, something's wrong.
What is it? Are you having flashbacks? Because I am real.
It's the register.
I think it's broken.
(Hank taps, register rings) Seems fine to me.
But, look, it's got all that extra money in there.
That doesn't make sense.
We already paid all the suppliers.
Well, then, I guess that "extra money" is profit.
Pr-Profit?! No.
I touched it.
What? I don't understand the problem here.
Hank, we're a non-profit.
We need to sort this out.
Appleseed, lock the doors.
STEVE: We've never made money before.
What do we do? I got it.
Let's break all the windows in the store.
We'll need to use the profit to fix them.
Problem solved, man.
No, wait.
What are you doing? Being part of the solution.
She's right.
I've seen what money does to people.
Pretty soon we'll all be flying around in helicopters and getting $30 haircuts.
Guys, profit doesn't have to be a bad thing.
You don't have to use the money to improve your lives.
We can use it to improve the store.
How's that? Well, most of our carts have broken wheels.
We could fix them.
And maybe we could get a better sign something people can see from the road.
Yeah, man, random acts of kindness.
No, not at all.
And we could stop charging a membership fee.
That way, we'll be helping more people get access to good food.
How heavy is your head, Hank? You want a burrito from the lunch truck, honey? No, thanks, I packed a sandwich.
Looks fancy.
You got to go to Hollywood for that sandwich, Hank, or does Erik Estrada deliver it for you? (both laughing) You've got a phone call.
Hello? Appleseed, I can't come to the co-op right now.
I Oh, okay, I'm on my way.
What's going on? I had to take a third of a personal day.
Check out the guy by the wheat-free pastas.
Is he shoplifting? It's worse than that.
Look at him with his fancy phone and his pleats.
People like him have been coming in all day.
So? They're ruining the vibe, Hank.
Yeah, Hank, the vibe's shot to hell.
Guys, I was at work.
We opened the door and the establishment marched right in.
We need to get these yuppies out of here.
What? No.
That's not how you run a business.
You can't just sell to people you like.
His shoes have tassels.
I don't like them anymore than you do, but when I look at that guy, I don't see tassels.
I see someone who's tired of eating industrialized, tasteless meat and produce.
That's what makes this co-op special.
(sighs) How could I be so intolerant? Don't loo know, Hank, but you just fixed our vibe.
Ting! This is so cool.
How do you know when a cow is ripe? Do you squeeze it? Well, you don't want to do anything to upset them, Bobby.
Just talk to them.
To them, our conversation is like tenderizer.
Oh, since we're here, I'm gonna go pick more of those peaches.
That last batch was so juicy I had to eat over a bucket.
Then I drank from the bucket and giggled like a schoolgirl.
Morning, Hank.
Say good-bye to Victor over there.
I'm taking him to the slaughterhouse.
Well, okay, but it's not so much "good-bye" as it is "see you later.
" KAHN: Delicious! Hank, this steak so tender it's like somebody already chewed it for me.
Here's my indecent proposal.
I spend one night with wrinkly Robert Redford for one million ears of corn.
I don't like eating corn without corn-holders.
Oh, wait, these are corn-holders.
I've got potato salad.
And I've got a mouth! APPLESEED: Hank, Hank! Appleseed, what are you doing here? There's trouble at the co-op.
It's Mega-Lo Mart.
They're trying to buy us out.
What?! No! Wow, he's like a human version of Lassie.
They want to buy the store, the farm, the trucks, everything, and they want an answer by tomorrow.
Well, we don't want to wait until then.
Call them now and say no.
Yeah, uh we're, we're thinking we're going to sell, Hank.
What? It's a pretty generous offer and as co-owners we all get a cut.
I'm going to give my money to good causes people who plant trees and set fire to SUVs.
But Mega-Lo Mart will ruin this place.
They're not going to take the time to feed the cows alfalfa if their tummies ache or sift through the cows' scat for signs of trouble or massage the steer to keep the flanks supple.
Mega-Lo Mart's too big.
Maybe their size will help.
Like you said, Hank: "More good food for more people.
" Well, I want no part of it, and neither does Appleseed.
Right, Appleseed? I need new shoes, Hank.
I thought we all cared about this place.
I guess I'm the only one.
If I believed in karma, I'd be really worried about you guys.
I can't taste anything.
I feel like I'm eating with a mitten on my tongue.
I guess there are some things even Mrs.
Dash can't fix.
(sighs): Let's just focus on the task at hand and push through this.
Your father is right.
We will forget what food tastes like soon enough.
Maybe it would help if we ate in front of the TV.
Dad, that guy's back.
Hank, Hank, you were right about Mega-Lorganic, but it's worse than you thought.
What are you talking about? It's just as industrialized as the rest of Mega-Lo Mart.
I saw pictures on the Internet of where they keep their cows.
They're like prison cells.
Being a cow isn't a crime.
We've got to talk to Steve.
Uh, Appleseed, I was in the middle of eating my Eh, I'll drive.
What have they done to this place? No, the meat, too? It doesn't look like it was ever alive.
Steve, we have to do something.
Mega-Lo Mart is ruining this place.
And you should see the conditions their cows are living in.
Look, it's not the way I'd run things, but it's still technically organic.
Well, it might be organic, but it's awful.
How does Sal feel about this? Uh, we don't have a butcher anymore.
Sal took his profits and bought a condo on a cruise ship you can live on.
(cell phone buzzes) How cute, my new phone reminded me I have a dentist appointment.
Thank you, phone.
We can't stand for this.
You're right.
We should make signs and protest and ask people to sign a petition.
No, Appleseed.
We're gonna do something that makes a difference.
I'll get the cattle and put them in the trailer.
Should I steal the plants? We're not stealing.
We're co-owners of this farm and we're not taking any profits from this sale.
We're just taking what's ours, our fair share.
Then why are we doing it at night? And why did you drive with your headlights off? Just go grab a couple chickens.
Right.
It's okay.
It's me, Hank.
(coffee mug shatters) Aggh! Hank! (moos) Cows! Thank you, Dad! Can I draw the meat parts on them with a Sharpie? Hank, are you crazy? We cannot have livestock in our backyard.
I'm not even sure it's legal.
We can't possibly be zoned for this.
(mooing, clucking) I don't care, Peggy.
I'll turn the shed into a chicken coop and use the garage as a barn.
If we give the cows some private time, soon we should have a hundred head.
Hundred head? We barely have enough room back here for a proper game of badminton, Hank.
Well, we'll have to knock down the fence to Dale's yard so they can graze.
And we'll need to find a butcher who can keep a secret.
You've lost your mind.
Maybe we can keep a chicken.
Maybe.
Come on, Peggy, please? I'll let you name them.
You've got all those great names you've been waiting to use.
Okay, let's give it a try.
(straining) Guys, stop trying to tip my cow.
KAHN: Your mission is futile, Hank Hill.
Even if you block view, I still have better house, a better car, better wife.
Oh, face it: I just better.
(mooing) What the heck was that? You got a cow? Uh, a cow? Why would I have a cow in my backyard, Kahn? I don't know.
Why does Bill use T-shirt as car seat cover? Why do rednecks do anything? (sniffs) Sure smell like cow.
Yes, well, you see, that's, uh Oh, that's me! I smell like cow.
Okay, yeah, I guess you do.
That's right, yeah, Y-yes, that's the correct address.
It's a residence.
Are you selling feed or are you asking questions? (phone beeps off) Tomorrow morning, we find out if a Martha tastes different from a Mrs.
Peckingham.
(crashing) KAHN (screams): Cows! I knew it! Oh, Lord.
Look what these cows did to my yard! I'll fix it, Kahn.
I'll take care of everything.
(clucking) You got chickens too? I reporting you! No, wait! Do you like good meat, Kahn? You trying to buy me off, Hank Hill? No way.
I'm calling cops.
Well, you go ahead.
I've got nothing to fear! I've done nothing wrong! (touch tone dialing) Appleseed, get over here quick.
Kahn called the police.
They'll be here soon.
You've got to get these cattle out of here.
But where should I go? Someplace where no one will find you.
Find a field where they can graze.
Find a stream where they can drink.
It's the only way to keep our dream alive.
Go, and write me when you think it's safe.
I I'm scared, Hank.
There's no time to waste.
Go on, now.
Get! Run, Appleseed, run! (panting) (sirens blaring) (sighs) (Peggy sighs) Well, at least our tomato crop has started to come in.
Yeah, that's something.
(mail slot clanks) Delicious.
HANK: It's the best steak I have ever eaten.