Big Bang Theory s12e07 Episode Script

1 Oh, this is amazing.
I wish I had a playhouse like this when I was a kid.
Really? You never had a playhouse? No.
I mean, my dad did buy the house next door for us to play in.
I'm gonna hook up the garden hose, so it has running water.
Why does it need running water? Same reason it's got electricity: Bernadette and I both work, and we're overcompensating.
This reminds me of a traditional Amish barn raising.
With everyone pitching in.
How exactly are you pitching in? I don't hear anyone else giving facts about traditional Amish barn raising.
The rest of us are pitching in with hammers and nails.
Well, facts are my nails, and my voice is the hammer which pounds them through the wood of your skull.
Well, that is how it feels.
Hey, uh, can you pass me that drill? Yeah, fun fact about Amish barn raising-- they don't use any power tools.
- Amy, make him stop.
- No.
If he tires himself out now, he'll sleep better tonight.
BERNADETTE: Hey, Howie, can you give me a hand? I need to get some work done, and the kids are climbing all over me.
You know what? I'll watch them.
- You sure? - But I was just about to tell everyone why they're called Pennsylvania Dutch when they really hail from Germany.
Yep.
Thanks.
So, what do you think? Pretty cool, huh? And when our kids outgrow it, we can Airbnb it to other people's babies.
Funny.
You all right? Sorry, I haven't had a second to myself.
So let me just go back inside, finish my report, brush my teeth, change out of my pajamas, make a sandwich, and then I'll come out here and laugh at your joke.
Ooh.
As long as you're making sandwiches You can laugh at that one later, too.
All right, I've kept you in suspense long enough.
"Dutch" is a bastardization of the word "Deutsch," meaning German.
What's German for "annoying"? Nervig.
Why do you ask? The Big Bang Theory 12x07 The Grant Allocation Derivation Original Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started Wait! The Earth began to cool The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools We built the Wall We built the pyramids Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery That all started with a big bang Bang! (knocks) President Siebert, you wanted to see me? Hey.
There's my guy! You sound like my wife just before she asked me to go to Coachella.
No, this is gonna be way more fun than Coachella.
More fun than heatstroke? Good luck.
So, there are some funds left in the general administrative grant, and I need somebody to decide how we should disburse them.
Really? W-Wow, what an honor.
Thank you.
So how do I decide who gets the money? How do you decide anything? Think about it with your brain, and then say it with your mouth.
Yeah, right, sure.
Uh, so, after I decide, do I then submit it to you for approval, or? No.
You decide, you approve, and then you pride yourself on a job well done.
That's a lot of responsibility.
Well, if I didn't think you were up to the task, you wouldn't have been fifth on my list.
Thank you.
I-I'll get started right away.
And I look forward to hearing nothing about it.
I will keep you posted.
Hey, thank you guys again for helping out yesterday.
- No problem.
- That was really fun.
- It was fun.
But I am sore.
You didn't lift a finger.
No, but I narrated the entire event, and I am paying for it today.
- Gentlemen.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Leonard, do I detect a little swagger in your step? Mm, possibly.
Well, stop.
It doesn't suit you.
- What's going on? - Well, Siebert put me in charge of handing out the last bit of the administrative funds, and I have sole discretion.
Ooh! Looks like Christmas came early.
First thing on my list is a golden umbrella, 'cause Leonard's gonna make it rain! Uh, hold on, I'm not just gonna hand out money.
There's a procedure you need to follow.
I believe he's referring to the traditional "kissing of the buttocks.
" Should we form a line, or just do it like we're bobbing for apples? LEONARD: Cute, but President Siebert trusted me with this, and I'm taking it seriously.
If you have a legitimate request, you can submit it to me in writing, and I'll evaluate it based on its merits.
Sure, sure.
Is "Jet Ski" one word or two? Hofstadter! Heard Siebert put you in charge of the administrative fund.
Can't think of a better guy for the job.
I think he's done this before.
Leonard, I know you and I have a oh, troubled history, but I hope that when I make my request you'll give me a fair shot.
Of course.
See? That's why I like about this guy: integrity.
Bring it in! I just put something in your pocket.
It's good at all El Pollo Locos.
(Neil crying) WOLOWITZ: Halley, leave your brother's dirty diaper alone.
Put that down.
That is not a hat.
That is not a hat! Oh! (crying continues) - Okay.
Everybody in the sink.
- Oh.
Bad news, Howie.
I'm gonna be stuck at work for a while.
Oh, that's terrible.
Hang in there.
I'll be home as soon as I can.
(sighs): Ah He deserves better.
No, I'm not going to reconsider.
Your request was denied.
I don't care if it helps you think; you don't need a koi pond in your office.
Well, you should have thought about that before you bought the koi! Wow.
That was a little rough.
Well, I have to be.
Everyone assumes I'm just gonna give them whatever they want.
Hmm.
But you're not, are you? No, I'm not.
I mean, look at this.
An espresso machine? I don't think so.
Denied! Wow, I really like this side of you.
Really? Yeah, just so decisive.
Well, check this out.
A standing desk.
Denied! Oh! If you want to stand, do it on your own time, 'cause I'm the boss.
Yeah, you are.
- Hello.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Leonard, I just wanted to congratulate you on how well you are managing this grant money.
- What do you want? Nothing.
I just came by to pay you a compliment.
Nice try.
The answer's no.
To what? I'm not asking you for anything.
All I need for my job is right here.
Hmm? This is my office.
Which makes for a great commute.
Home, work, home.
I'm still working-- I'm just working from home.
You know, if it's that easy, then why does Leonard have to drive you to work every day? Because I like the frozen yogurt machine in the cafeteria.
Ooh, I suppose I could use a frozen yogurt machine Denied! Oh, you should have seen him-- denying things left and right.
It was so sexy.
'Course, I made a request he did not deny.
Uh-huh.
Are you listening to me? Yeah, sure.
You slept with your husband.
What is going on with you? It's not a big thing.
Have you ever told Leonard a little white lie? Mm.
Well, he thinks I've seen every one of the Star Wars movies, but I've really only seen the one with the gold robot.
- That could be any of them.
- Exactly.
I've been telling Howie that I've had to work late the past couple nights, but really, I've just been hiding out in Howie's playhouse.
Does that make me awful? Awful? No.
Uh, strange? Yes.
Sad? A little, yes.
It's just that work's been crazy, and the minute I get home, I have two kids hanging on me, and sometimes I don't want babies pulling my hair and pinching my belly fat.
That'd be a good slogan for a condom company.
I love my kids, but that hour to myself just makes me feel human again.
So, you go home and sit alone in a toy house in the backyard? Yeah! Oh, Dr.
Hofstadter, did you have a chance to look over my proposal? - I did, and your research is fascinating.
I had no idea that crows were that smart.
Do they really hold grudges? They do.
One of them escaped from my behavioral study a year ago.
I can't prove it's him, but something craps on my car every day.
Well, l-look, I only have enough money to fund one request, but your project is definitely in the running.
Okay, but, uh, when do you think you might make a decision? Because I have to upgrade their cages before they learn how to open the locks.
When I came in to my lab this morning, they suddenly got silent.
I think they're planning something.
Um, soon.
I've narrowed it down to three projects.
Ooh, is mine one of them? Actually, yeah.
The software in the telescope room hasn't been upgraded in years, and it seems like it might be time.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! - (chuckles) So you're just gonna give the money to your friend? I smell a rat.
I work with rats, too.
That might be me.
I'm not just giving it to my friend, Barry.
Your proposal is also in the mix.
Wait, so those are the three? You're not even considering mine? Why, because they're PhDs and I'm just an engineer? No, because they wrote detailed proposals, and you sent a YouTube clip of the guy from Jerry Maguire saying, "Show me the money!" KRIPKE: All right, Hofstadter, what's it gonna be? Which project are you gonna pick? Yeah, come on, Leonard.
- Tell us now.
LEE: But, remember, crows aren't the only ones who can hold a grudge.
Look, all three of your proposals have a lot of merit.
I just want to make sure I'm making the right decision.
I can tell you're stressed.
If it helps, I withdraw my proposal.
It doesn't help.
Fine.
Then I'm back in the mix.
Show me the money! Okay, I-I just-- I need everyone to back off.
I'm in charge here, and I'll decide when I'm ready to decide.
- When will that be? - (groans) A day, a week.
I don't know! - Where are you going? - I don't know that either! Ooh.
Someone's making decisions.
I'm reviewing these proposals.
Yeah.
'Cause you're the boss man, telling people what's what.
I like it.
(whining): It's just so hard! All-all three of these proposals have merit.
How do I choose? Well, not with that voice.
There has got to be a right decision based on empirical evidence.
Look, I made pros and cons lists, and then I came up with three different scoring systems to determine the best project.
I just don't know what scoring system to use.
So I'm working on a meta-scoring system to score the scoring systems, but the math is really complicated.
You want me to walk you through it? - Cheers.
- Cheers.
(sighs) Turn that off.
Are you trying to get us caught? Oh.
So, I've narrowed it down to three worthwhile projects, but I only have the money to fund one of them.
Lucky for you, I have a solution.
I can't wait.
You free up more money and I fund all of them.
Mm, no.
Or-- hear me out-- yes.
That way, e-everybody's happy.
You can't make everybody happy.
- I think I can.
- You can't.
- Well, actually - You're making me unhappy.
Okay, what would you do? I'd find some sap and put him in charge so I wouldn't have to be the bad guy.
That's a really good id-- Oh.
(gasps) Whatcha doin'? You scared me.
(chuckles) I'll ask again.
What-cha doin'? Nothing.
Really? You and Bernadette aren't doing stuff without me? What? No! Why would you even say that? You know how your talent is getting just drunk enough to have a good time without being hungover the next day? Thank you.
(chuckles) Well, mine is knowing when I'm being excluded.
So spill.
I'm-I'm just running some errands.
Yeah? With a bag full of wine? I Got to stay hydrated.
Try again.
Okay, look, I'm sorry.
We did not mean to leave you out.
All right? Bernadette has been feeling fried at home, so we ended up hanging out in Halley's playhouse.
Like a secret club? No! Just, like, a place to spend time that we don't tell anyone else about.
And what would be a shorter way of saying that? (quietly): Secret club.
- Well, you really hurt my feelings.
- (sighs) What can I do to make it up to you? I'm in a secret club! Shh! Is there some sort of humiliating initiation? 'Cause I would literally do anything.
Leonard, you've been losing to me in three-dimensional chess for many years.
You know what would be neat? If this was some sort of long con and one day you say, "Let's make this interesting," put money on it, and reveal that you actually know what you're doing.
A very long con indeed.
- Checkmate.
- (groans) Sorry.
I'm distracted.
Ooh, aren't you the hustler.
No matter who I give the funds to, someone is gonna be upset with me.
Do you really care if people are angry at you? - Of course.
- Interesting.
Why don't you go to the store and get me some tapioca pudding or I'm gonna be angry at you.
No.
So it comes and goes? How do you not care what people think of you? It's easy.
I mean, not "beating you at chess" easy, but what is? Wait, you can make this decision.
You don't care if you upset people.
You can pick for me.
I certainly could.
- Oh, great.
- But I won't.
I think this is a learning opportunity for you.
Sheldon, come on.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Did I upset you? - Yes.
- Ask me how I feel about that.
So where does Leonard think you are? Oh, I told him I was at yoga.
(chuckles) Well, you are stretching the truth.
Yeah.
Where does Sheldon think you are? Oh, Sheldon's kind of like a dog-- he doesn't really think about me when I'm gone, but he's so happy when I show up.
(oven dings) Ooh.
Who wants an Easy-Bake quesadilla? Me! Ooh, hot.
(door closes) Shh.
KOOTHRAPPALI: Thanks for letting me come over and hang.
So Leonard still hasn't made a decision yet? No.
And I've really been laying on the guilt.
Did you break out the sad eyes? You mean these bad boys? (whispering): What do we do? We're just gonna have to wait till they go back inside.
Okay, okay.
Can we very quietly open that second bottle of (oven dings) (quietly): Hey, don't freak out, but I think there's someone in your playhouse.
Oh.
Yeah, that's just Bernadette.
She's been hiding out in there all week.
(chuckles) Really? Why? (exhales) I don't know.
She's been a little overwhelmed at work.
And, frankly, me and the kids are a lot.
She just (chuckles) needs some downtime.
And you just pretend like you don't know? Sure.
That's how marriage works.
Three years ago (chuckles) I told her I got life insurance, and I totally didn't.
(laughs) Someday, she's gonna find out.
I'm gonna say, "Ha-ha! I know you've been hiding in the playhouse.
" Why don't you just get the life insurance? Whose side are you on? Can you hear what they're saying? Shh, I'm trying.
(cork pops) Huh.
Sounds like Penny's in there, too.
Seriously, Leonard, you didn't pick my project? I'm sorry, Raj.
- Did you go with Crow Lady? - No.
You gave the money to Kripke? I did not.
Wait, I'm confused.
I thought there were only three projects in contention.
There were.
But, at the last minute, someone submitted an application for a pretty cool europium-doped laser, and they made a very compelling case.
What was the case? Oh, that it was me and I wanted it.
You-you can't do that.
You can't just fund your own project.
Uh, it turns out I can, and I did.
Interesting.
What about not wanting everybody to be mad at you? Well, I realized that, no matter what decision I made, people were gonna be mad at me.
And this way, I get a laser.
That is the most selfish thing you've ever done.
I'm proud of you.
- And I don't care.
- Yes, you do.
Yeah, I do.
The europium laser is so cool.
It has a four-level f-f transition which provides for high power output, and its quantum efficiency is off the charts.
What are you going to use it for? I have no idea.
Leonard, there's a crow on your roof.
I see it.
Is that one of Dr.
Lee's crows? (caws) It has a tag on its leg.
(cawing) Don't make any sudden moves.
Smart.
Let's stand perfectly still and He's the one you want! (cawing)