Family Guy s12e07 Episode Script

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! We now return to Muppet Babies.
Piggy, I don't think Kermie Jr.
is doing so well.
Kill me! I'm in constant pain! hey, Quagmire.
Hey, Peter, do you mind if I hang out here a while? I accidentally made eye contact with a transvestite at a bar, and he followed me home.
You knew what you were staring at! Get out of here, you mess! You were far away! I didn't know what you were! You know you want me! Shut up! Now go home! Nobody saw me come here! I said, shut up! Sneak around back.
Oh, sure.
Come on in, Quagmire.
Oh, you don't have to take your shoes off.
Our house sucks.
So, Quagmire, if you're some kind of big ladies' man, how come I never see you wearing a necklace? I, uh that's not really my thing.
I'll get you one.
Please don't.
Hey, come on! The guy wants to get you a necklace, let him get you a necklace! Ah! Ah! There's a bee in here! Can you take it up here? Wow, we sound amazing together! I know! That was incredible! You know, we should do something with this.
Yeah, maybe we could open up a mattress store.
Or we could try singing.
Yeah, singing, that's good! Wow, finally, something in my life that makes me feel special.
I mean, except for when I had those cow udders.
So, as you can see, the fiscal projections for the fourth quarter make this thing a slam dunk.
Any questions? Not about my cow udders.
All right, then, looks like we got ourselves a deal.
This is cause for celebration.
I don't care, I'm not driving.
Okay, what do you got for a lyric? "I put a booger on a painting at the museum.
" Is that is that anything? Maybe, maybe.
All right, I got one.
Alyssa Milano I knew you were gonna be hot When you were nine.
How about this? Every food tastes good with melted cheese I like twins, unless they're Siamese.
There you go! Now we're jazzin'.
Don't store your condoms in your billfold Those things don't work if they get dry and old Broken rubber Broken rubber! Guys, I'm trying to do something up here that works better if I don't hear men singing! Oh, damn, we're out of paper.
Oh, we'll get some more down at Mort's.
But, Quagmire, we are on fire here! We're gonna be the best thing since sliced bread! I'd like a sandwich, but I don't feel like eating two whole loaves of bread.
Tough! Hey, do you mind paying for this? I don't have any cash.
Sure, I'll just put it on my credit card.
I'm never gonna pay it back anyway.
'Cause I have $30,000 in credit card debt When they call, I tell them I can't pay it back yet Credit card debt Tomorrow I may buy myself A dining room set Or this Boba Fett! Credit card debt, credit card debt Credit card debt.
What is that sound? It's like two Mandy Patinkins walked into my store! Was that you guys singing? Yeah.
That was beautiful.
And it must be original, because I know every song about money, and I've never heard that one before.
Well, it was based on actual events.
Although, I-I don't have as cavalier an attitude toward my debt as the song suggests.
I'm-I'm actually up most nights with severe panic attacks.
I-I've taken to throwing up in the yard so my wife won't hear me.
Well, you guys have got something special with those harmonies.
They could give me five years salary, tax free, and it wouldn't put a dent in my problem.
You really think we're good? Oh, yeah.
And I should know.
Back in the 1970s, I used to have my own record label, Mort Town.
I managed all the hottest disco acts.
I even managed Earth, Wind, Fire & Pollen for a little while, but I had to give it up.
Do you remember The 21st night of September? Oh! September is the worst month for pollen! I had it all.
But it soon all came to a very ugly end.
How come? I got addicted to olives.
They were everywhere.
It was so easy to get your hands on them.
It was awful.
I lost weight, my hair straightened, even my voice changed.
I didn't recognize the man I saw in the mirror.
What has happened to you, Mort Goldman? You've hit rock bottom.
I'm lucky to be alive today.
Anyway, you guys got the talent, but what you need is a manager.
Someone with no talent who can take a lion's share of your earnings.
You'd do that for us? Sure I would.
So, what do you say? Can I be your manager? You betcha! All right! Put her there! No, I've seen your prescriptions.
Let's just say we're doing it.
Well, Mort, I hope I can trust you.
I've been lied to before.
Well, I'm off to work.
Bye, guys! Love you! Love you, too! Bye! Love you! Love you, Pop! He bought it! What an idiot! I hate him so much I'm shaking! All right, fellas, open mic at the library.
Your first gig.
Go get 'em! Hey, do I have time to get a drink at the water fountain where the water does not crest above the dispenser? Sure.
I can taste the previous person's cough.
Fellow cardholders, please put your hands together for Griffin and Quagmire! I can't poop in strange places Strange places I can only poop in my home It's as though I'm watched by strange faces Strange faces It's why I never roam Excuse me, I just want to grab one of those newspapers.
Just grab one and go! I'm looking for a job, okay?! I've left Stewie alone with strangers Strangers To satisfy my fecal needs I've put my whole family in danger To poop before my anus bleeds Home bowl, home bowl You know just what I need Home bowl, home bowl Poop before my anus bleeds.
Aw, everybody left.
Well, this was a waste of time.
I could have gone hiking with the girls.
We don't hike.
We just wear tight pants and get coffee.
Well, I guess no one cares about our music.
I thought we were pretty good.
Yeah, I've seen worse performances.
I was walking home around It was very dark, and then I-I heard the footsteps Boo! Get to the sex! Guys, I got great news! Oh, what is it, Mort? I put your performance on JewTube.
The promoters of the New England Music Festival saw it, and they want to book you! What?! Are you kidding me?! Oh, my God, you hear that, Quagmire? We're on our way! We got to celebrate like girls in their 20s! Oh, my God, we are so random! You got booked at the New England Music Festival? Oh, my God, Peter, that's amazing! I had no idea you and Quagmire could even sing! Now let this be a lesson to you kids.
If you randomly stumble upon an amazing talent, and then someone important sees it by wild coincidence, great things can happen without any hard work.
I'm gonna go jump off the roof and see if I can fly! That's it, Chris, pursue your dream! A singer, huh? You as good as the guys who sing "Happy Birthday" at Macaroni Grill? Oh, don't compare me Look, they been doing it for years.
Imagine, my Peter, the big singing star! Don't forget about us squares back at home.
Don't you worry, Lois.
No one has stronger marriages and more well-adjusted kids an rock stars.
It's working! What you doing with that doll? Oh, hello, Vinny.
Rupert and I are just having a spritzer and some cheese in advance of the performance.
I wouldn't do that.
Why not? You know, there was a guy on my old block, Johnny Chickstuff.
We called him that because he used to like to, uh Do chick stuff? Do chick stuff! Exactly.
Anyway, a bunch of us got together and beat him with a grill lid and windshield wipers, and let's just say, uh, he don't do chick stuff no more.
'Cause of the beatin's? Yeah.
He wasn't exactly like us, so we had to almost kill him.
That sounds terrible.
What happened to him? I don't know.
Soon thereafter, a girl in the neighborhood married a black guy, so we all kind of turned our attention to that.
Look at us, Quagmire.
We're making music, living the dream.
And to think, just last week, my only creative outlet was picking hockey fights at work.
Griffin, I need these shipping reports filled out by 5:00 today.
Hey, Peter, I just wanted to wish you good luck.
Oh, that's great.
Thank you so much.
What's your name, honey? It's me, Lois.
All right, backstage whore, here's the key to my hotel room.
You can flush the dump I left in there.
What?! Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Griffin and Quagmire! Peter, we're on! Have you ever put butter on a Pop-Tart? It's so frickin' good Have you ever put butter on a Pop-Tart? If you haven't, then I think you should I was sittin' in the kitchen one day And I was itchin' to fill up my belly With the pipin' hot jelly Of the best damn treat in the world He's talking Pop-Tarts! And I saw a stick of butter and it almost made me shudder And scream like a baby girl I don't want a giant penis or a rocket trip to Venus I don't want to win the lottery I just want to squat and gobble Till I'm dizzy and I wobble In a butter, fruit and dough tart dream So I put butter on a Pop-Tart It was so frickin' good Have you ever put butter on a Pop-Tart? If you haven't, then I think you should Everybody come along with us! Have you ever put butter on a Pop-Tart! It's so frickin' good Yeah! Have you ever put butter on a Pop-Tart! If you haven't Then I think you should.
Pop-Tart! With butter?! Hey, you guys were great.
Aw, thanks.
My name's Ricky.
I'm with Sony Records.
Our company's gonna be around for at least three more weeks, and we want to sign you.
I'll need to discuss this with my associate.
I don't know, it-it seems wrong to just dump Mort.
He's our friend.
Doesn't that matter? Quagmire, you remember I told you about that dream I drew? Yeah? We're halfway there.
I think if we do this, we'll get the giraffe.
Okay, okay, I'm in.
You got a deal.
Great! I'm gonna get you on tour.
This is the beginning of something big.
Great news, guys! I may have gotten you booked at a horse's birthday party.
Mort, you're fired.
What? Sorry, Mort, but this is a cutthroat business.
And we need someone tough in our corner.
Like Indonesian kickboxer Agoos Bahnwati.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on, come on.
Disappear, disappear.
Come on.
Come on.
Peter, I heard you fired Mort.
He's your friend.
He's the one that got you to where you are today.
Lois, my transcendent talent got me to where I am.
Peter, I don't like what success is doing to you.
Yeah, well, I don't like what time is doing to you.
Droop, droop Hey, Chris, you ready with my luggage? Luggage? For what? We're going on tour, Lois.
Here you go, Dad.
I emptied this out so it'd be easier to carry.
Oh, you're right, it is easier.
Good thinking, son.
All right, see you guys in two months.
Peter, you can't go away for two months now.
You'll miss Thanksgiving.
I'm sorry, but you're gonna have to choose between music and family.
If I choose family, does it have to be this family? Yes, Peter, this family.
So make your choice.
Very well, this scavenger hunt will provide you with my answer.
Here it is-- a penny from 1858! We're getting closer to our answer.
Wake up, Mom! He chose the music! You know, Quagmire, I feel kind of bad leaving the family like this with Thanksgiving coming up.
I mean, if I'm not there, who's gonna carve the turkey? I don't understand! On a tour of one-night stands My suitcase and guitar in hand And every stop Is neatly planned for a poet And a one-man band.
Everyone from Florida is stupid Everyone from Florida is dumb I might not be the brightest guy But next to them, my IQ's high If they had guitars, here's how they'd strum Why the hell do you brush your teeth at work? Why the hell do you brush your teeth at work? The bathroom's full of poop and pee And now you've rubbed that on your teeth Like you're gonna kiss someone at 3:00.
Get out of the left lane You stupid Asian bitch I don't even know why you are there.
I Have become Comfortably numb.
Okay, Mr.
Griffin.
Now you've got your flu shot.
Will you stop giving him flu shots, man? We got a show to do! Ah, Quagmire, it's cool, it's cool.
This is the doctor that killed Michael Jackson.
Yesterday, I learned the difference between a train and a boat.
I wrote this song before that.
Train on the water Boat on a track Train on the water Boat on a track My lady took a train across the Atlantic I hope it don't sink like the Titanic I went to the station, caught a boat downtown I hope it don't fall off the track and I drown Ladies and gentlemen, the All-Five-Foot-One Black Albino Choir! Train on the water Boat on a track Train on the water Boat on a track.
This waitress is prettier than my wife I could kill my family with a knife We'll sail around the world by ship I'll give my whole wad as a tip But first I'll kill my family with a knife Yes, he's gonna kill his family with a knife Irregardless of this waitress, I will kill them with a knife.
Hold it, hold it.
Stop the tape! You gonna fart in this airtight booth all night? It wasn't me.
We're the only two people in here! Hey, Bobby, can you play back Peter's track? This waitress Is prettier than my wife Ah! Thank God.
Come on, guys, you've been bickering all ni Oh, God! We got the album covers that Peter approved.
Wait, wait, Peter, you approved these without consulting me? Don't worry, they're great.
I can be giggity.
I can be goo.
I can be giggity.
I can be goo.
Hey, Quagmire, wake up.
I got us twins.
Peter, those are guys.
Hell, yeah, the Winklevoss twins.
They have good ideas we can steal.
Peter, quit screwing around! We're about to go on national television.
Now, please welcome our very special musical guests, Griffin and Quagmire.
Wait, Quagmire, you got something on your face.
Aah! Damn it, Peter, that was my eyebrow! Let's not make a scene.
We're on TV.
You never should look at your mother's boobies No matter how big and round they are You'll end up seeing something you don't wanna It's guaranteed to leave a mental scar You never should look at your daddy's penis When he's walking down the hall on Sunday morn An acorn in a nest of twigs, and underneath two fetal pigs It'll make you wish you weren't even born Parents are gross, parents are gross Parents are gross, parents are gross Come on, you.
Get out of there.
My pick's in here.
Come on! Come Uhp, uhp, it just skipped right over the strings! Yup, there it goes again.
I saw it! I totally saw it! All right, that's it! We're done! Do you hear me? I quit! Hey, y-your makeup lady was crying earlier.
Wh-What was that about? This is my time.
Don't ever talk to me during my time! Well, kids, happy Thanksgiving.
I wish Dad was here.
Meg, could you zip up your fly? Th-That's kind of wafting over here.
I can't poop In strange places Peter? Dad? Oh, boy.
Larry, you got to get out of here.
It's been a great two months! Meg, keep painting! I'm so sorry that I left my family And that I decided to roam.
Peter, what are you doing here? Me and Quagmire kind of had a falling out.
And after that, I-I realized I Meg, can you please stop stuffing your face for two seconds? Look, I'm sorry for being a jerk, and letting a little fame go to my head.
I just hope you guys can forgive me.
Oh, Peter.
I missed you so much.
Oh, we missed you, too.
But I understand.
You had to go chase your dream.
And a part of me is glad you did.
But now I'm just happy that you're home.
Welcome home, Dad! So, did you get a lot of trim on the road, Dad? Chris, that's inappropriate.
Hey, you got room for another? Quagmire? I thought you were still out on the road.
I was, but then I thought, what was Simon without Garfunkel? Wildly successful? Yeah, but all that success would mean nothing if I lost my best friend.
Do you do you think you can forgive me? Oh, Quagmire.
Well, I'm glad to have you back home for Thanksgiving, Peter.
And I'm glad to be here.
'Cause everyone knows that life after being famous is even better than it was before.
Let me just grab my stuff off the bus.