Bob's Burgers s12e08 Episode Script

1 Thanksgiving, it's Thanksgiving And we're putting smiles on old people's Old person faces.
Not that I don't want to go to the Elegant Doily old people's home I mean, I love doilies and all But why are we doing this on Thanksgiving again? Ginger went there last Thanksgiving and said it was very rewarding.
You know, play checkers with old people, let 'em pinch your cheeks, talk about their favorite wars.
It's good to give back a little since we have so much.
So much of what, exactly? Napkins, maybe? We did just stock up.
Giving back sounds nice.
I wish I could give back to Merryl, but she left the Elegant Doily and moved in with her boyfriend.
Do you still say "boyfriend" when they're in their 90s? You say "elderberry.
" Plus, your father and I will probably end up in a home someday.
It'll be a nice little preview.
Oh, no, we'll never be able to afford that.
I'm excited to get back home and get cracking on that maple glaze for the turkey.
Man, Thanksgiving is the best holiday.
There in the kitchen, the excitement, the adrenaline.
Oh, yeah.
You're all fun in the kitchen on Thanksgiving.
Just, uh, getting a snack, uh Hot plate! Hot plate! Out of the way! - Hey, Dad, do you think I could - Ask your mother! - Dinner's in 20 minutes! - Aah! - No, no, no.
30.
- Aah! So, what would you say is the minimum amount of time we can spend at the Elegant Doily? Don't you worry your pretty little hairy neck, Bob.
We'll get you home soon so you can start doing your cooking.
BOB: Oh, is my neck that hairy right now? GENE: Yeah, it's probably time to harvest.
Yep.
Just like I remembered it.
Oh, this is where all the carpet is.
Got-dang it.
Give me my damn orange soda! BOB: Oh, hi, Sergeant Bosco.
Are you here visiting your very pleasant mom? Yeah, but she won't come out of her room.
And if Mother doesn't do Thanksgiving activities with her nursing home friends today, she'll gripe about it all year long! You having soda troubles? You know, the front's just glass.
- You could smash it.
- Louise.
- Or shoot it.
- Interesting, interesting.
Let me help you with that.
This machine is quite the quarter gobbler.
Ooh, stretchy keys.
That's fun.
Here you go.
Ah, yeah.
Get in there, fructose.
Thanks, Deirdre.
Wish me luck.
Oh, you're Deirdre.
I'm Linda.
- We spoke on the phone.
- Linda.
And this must be your lovely family.
We prefer "hot family," thank you.
Well, we are thankful you're helping us out this morning.
Follow me.
I'll get you all set up.
Oh, I left the hard candies in the car.
Old people still like hard candy, right? They love to unwrap them whenever it's very quiet.
You go ahead.
I'll catch up.
I'll catch up.
You will be helping out with a very important Thanksgiving job: making the paper turkey decorations.
Gotcha.
Do you want sturdy turkeys or flirty turkeys? PAUL (ON WALKIE-TALKIE): Deirdre, it's Paul.
Mr.
Thompson said that you said that he didn't have to wear pants on holidays.
No, I said always pants all the time.
- Disagree.
- Hi.
How are you? Nice nice turkey.
You worry about your own turkey, fella.
BOSCO: You want me to carry you? I could.
I've been doing several push-ups a day before I take a shower.
(SCOFFS) Probably against the sink.
Yeah, against the sink.
So what? Hi.
I couldn't help overhearing your loud conversation.
Seems like someone doesn't want to join all the Thanksgiving fun.
I'm Linda.
My family's here today, giving back no big deal.
- So, can I help? - My son has a gun.
- Don't mess with us.
- Mother.
Do you want two pounds of hard candy? Take the candy.
Get rid of the lady.
Close the door.
GENE: I'm having real trouble making turkey waddles that don't look like testicles.
- Me, too.
- ZEKE: Come on! Come on! TINA: Is that Zeke? Is he wrestling his grandma? - Ah, come on! - Hey, Zeke.
- Hey, Tina, girl.
Louise.
G-man.
- Doctor.
Did your grandparents move in here or something? Tell 'em to watch out The hazing process is crazy.
Nah, we're making paper turkeys with testicles on their chins.
- Oh, cool.
- What are you doing? Every year, my grandma and the other elders watch the OMG Mall Group Thanksgiving Day Parade on the TV.
Oh, the OMGMGTDP? I love that parade.
Yeah, but the cable's out.
Did you fix the cable yet, Zeke? Sorry, Grandma.
I'm giving it all I got, but it's just not enough.
I'm sorry, everyone.
We're not gonna be able to watch the parade this year.
- Oh, no.
- (GRUMBLING) Man, that's a lot of frowning.
- And new wrinkles, I bet.
- Dang it! I wish I was a wizard so I could give these angels the parade they deserve.
No OMGMGTDP on TGD? That's BS! It would be nice to do something nice.
Maybe that's how we could do our giving back-ing.
Maybe we could try to do some kind of entertainment? Not a parade, but like a parade? These people want a parade, specifically.
They do have parade face.
Hmm, we know they've got some basic art supplies, and we've got our charisma.
And a deep knowledge of the American songbook.
Are we doing a parade? I think we're doing a parade.
Well, I'm here all day.
And I've cut enough turkey face testicles for a lifetime, so I'm in.
Good thing I brought my bass drum.
(IMITATES DRUMBEAT) Guess what, everyone.
The parade is back on.
- (CHEERING) - Not on TV, though.
- (MURMURING) - Oh, boy.
Tough crowd.
Your turkey is I would just start over.
Oh, my God.
DEIRDRE: Hi.
Can you cook lots of food? No? Hey.
Feel like cooking a ton of food? No? Can anyone here cook lots of food? Um, I can.
So, yeah, our cook had to step out for just a few minutes Probably more.
Her water broke.
She's in labor At the hospital.
And it turns out our other cook is the father, so he's probably out for the day as well.
So there's no one to cook all of this food - for the whole place.
- Right.
- On Thanksgiving.
- Yes.
- Well, I'm happy to do it.
- Really? I mean, even if you just made the turkey and maybe mashed potatoes, that would be amazing.
Sure.
Sure.
Yeah, I think I can handle it.
I-I actually have a restaurant.
That's incredible.
We are so lucky.
Well, we're not a popular restaurant.
- Neither are we.
- We-we don't make a lot of money.
Neither do I.
Anyway, thank you.
Hi, kitchen.
I'm-I'm Bob.
Uh, let's get into it.
No, that sounded lame.
Sorry, kitchen.
(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE): It's okay.
You're cooking Thanksgiving? For the whole place? I know! I'm like the guy in the audience who can play guitar and the band says, "Can anyone play guitar?" - And I go onstage, and it's amazing.
- Yeah, it's just like that, Bob.
We can have our own dinner at home a little late, right? Sure, but just keep it simple in there.
You know how you get on Thanksgiving.
You get a little amped up.
What do you mean? I'm amped down.
You're gonna need some help.
I'll come soon.
Sergeant Bosco's mom and I are just starting to hit it off.
When will she leave? Wait, aren't the kids with you? No.
They left me with the paper turkeys and a guy who was kind of mean.
All right, I got to go.
Knifey's ready to get dicey.
You want us to be in the kitchen cooking with Dad on Thanksgiving? (LAUGHING): No, thank you very much.
He doesn't want anyone in the kitchen with him on Thanksgiving.
He's a lone wolf.
But slightly more hairy and more vicious.
Okay, I know your father can be - A Thankszilla? - A Thankszilla.
But at least one of you needs to go in there and help out, okay? Ugh.
Fine.
Hand farts? - Weakest one goes with Dad? - Yeah.
- Sure.
(MAKING FART SOUNDS) (MAKES QUIET SOUND) - No! - Yes.
- Ha! I've been practicing.
Damn these tiny hands! I don't want to cook with Thankszilla.
Y'all hand-farting? I like to hand-fart.
Dad? Mom told me to come in here to help you In a kitchen, on Thanksgiving.
- Thoughts? Concerns? - Oh, okay.
Great.
Oh, you don't seem so excited.
Maybe I should just go.
No, no, I mean, I probably do need the help.
And it could be fun.
Also, I feel like I got a good handle on everything, schedule-wise.
I guess, in a way, I've been training my whole life for this.
So, there's potatoes - for mashed potatoes.
- Good eye.
I found sausage, so we'll make sausage stuffing.
- There's turkey breasts.
- Put a bra on those.
There's green beans.
There's cranberry sauce.
Oh, you're probably gonna want a headband, 'cause we're in the eye of the storm.
-LOUIS: Settle down, tiger.
-BOB: Hey.
They have one of these.
Whoa, what's that? Some kind of kitchen gun? Sort of.
It's a torch used for finishing crème brûlée.
It shoots fire when you press this button.
Let me see, let me see, let me see.
Hey, you know, I was gonna make sweet potato casserole, and we could use this to brown the marshmallows on top.
A gun that makes fire? Yes, please.
Should we make fire with it right now? No, we have lots to do before that.
But, tell you what, how would you like to be Captain Casserole and learn how to make it? Does, uh, Captain Casserole get to shoot the fire gun? - She does, eventually.
- Then call me Captain.
Wait, do I outrank you? Oh, that's embarrassing.
Uh-oh.
Now we're behind schedule.
Uh, let's kick it in gear, okay? You-you sure you don't want a headband? Ooh, you know, I hear that all the cool seniors are hanging out in the rec room today.
You want to go check out that scene? I do.
No! I'm not going until Gary calls.
Who's Gary? - My brother.
- My other son.
That's it, I'm carrying you out.
What? No.
Uh, Sergeant Bosco, would you come look at these pretty flowers with me? I bought those.
I've already seen 'em.
Come on.
Okay, this is not going great.
Don't you do hostage negotiations? - This is a hostage negotiation, right? - I guess.
So, what's the first step in one of those? Establish a rapport to gain their trust.
Hello.
She's your mother.
Right, so too late for that.
Well, well, wh-what's after that? Asking open-ended questions to give them a sense of control and feel them out.
Okay.
All right.
So, Lillian, do you like - open-ended questions? - No.
- That's a closed-ended question, Linda.
- Oh, right.
How are the sweet potatoes coming? Good, but I should check the marshmallows, make sure they're ripe.
Mmm.
Tough to tell.
Mmm! No eating, more peeling.
Oh, they have brussels sprouts.
I can roast those.
Wait, you want to add another dish? Yeah, it'll complement the stuffing.
If we hustle, we can do it.
Okay, I'm gonna need you to shift from sweet potato casserole duty to brussels sprouts.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'm Captain Casserole.
I took an oath.
- I need you to wash these.
- Feels like a demotion.
Really get in there, and-and hurry.
How's it going in here? - LOUISE: Eh.
- BOB: Going great.
Welcome to the Almost OMG Mall Group Thanksgiving Day Parade.
We've got a hell of a show for you today.
Let's go to Tina, who's on the parade route.
Tina? Thank you.
I'm here with a very special person, Ruth.
Ruth, where did you travel from today? - Room 3.
- Wow.
And you, Zeke's grandma? - Room 9.
- That's so far.
Gene, tell me where the parade's gonna go today.
Well, we're gonna start over here by the bookcase.
We're gonna run around the room, and then we're gonna stop.
It should take about three hours.
Good news.
The cream of tartar was just hiding, so we can make biscuits from scratch.
- How's the chopping coming? - Pretty good.
You got to line 'em up just so, and then hi-ya! - Oh.
- That's the best one so far.
Oh, my God.
Those should really be in the oven.
- Here, let me take that.
- Hey, I was just You don't say "hi-ya" at all? Uh, you know what? Louise, why don't I chop the rest of these? We can use a couple of the ones you chopped.
- (SIGHS) - Crap.
I gotta preheat the oven.
Louise, watch out.
Sorry, I need to get through.
- And there's Thankszilla.
- What? Huh? Nothing.
I'm just gonna go to the bathroom.
- I'll let you know how it goes.
- Okay, great.
Come out of your room and go join your friends.
I repeat, go join your friends.
I'm not leaving until Gary calls.
Gary, Gary, Gary.
Eh, I give up.
What? No, no giving up.
- Tell me more about Gary.
- I'll tell you.
He's a big-shot tanning salon owner who won't visit his mother on Thanksgiving even though he lives ten minutes away! And he changed his Netflix password.
That's terrible.
Why won't Gary visit you? Well, this one would tell you it's because I'm a mean old lady.
What? No.
- That's not true.
- No, it is.
You'd be a mean old lady, too, if your kids didn't visit you and you're shivering all the time because it's freezing in here! Just wait, Linda.
It'll happen to you, too.
No, it won't.
It is chilly in here, though.
Oh, my God, it's already happening! Oh, Bob, I'm gonna be a grumpy old lady, and you probably will, too.
What are what are you talking about? The kids aren't gonna visit us when we're in an old folks' home 'cause we'll be grumpy and cold.
Okay, that-that might not be a today problem.
How are you doing in there? Is Louise helping you? "Help" is a strong word, but yeah.
I mean, wait a minute.
She was.
- She might have left.
- Oh, my God, see? They don't want to be with us.
It's already happening.
(GROANS) She just went to the bathroom, I think.
She's coming back.
You're keeping it simple, right, Bob? You're not going crazy in there? Simple-ish.
Bob, if Louise comes back in, take it extra easy with her.
We want our kids to visit us when we live here.
We still can't afford it, but I'll be easy like Sunday morning You know, Thursday morning.
I'm leaving.
I'm gonna go arrest somebody else's mom and pretend it's you.
Bob, I got to go.
Get Louise, but go easy.
All right, I need everyone to imagine we're Shriners driving tiny cars.
Beep-beep! - Louise! - Uh-oh.
He found me.
- Hey, Dad.
- We're Shrining.
I was totally headed to the kitchen, but now I got to drive this tiny car.
Yeah, but maybe you can, um, come back.
We'll definitely keep having fun like we were before and, uh, maybe even more fun.
I mean, I'd love to, but there's that rule that you can't have less than four Shriners cars in a parade.
Shriners three cannot be.
Just waiting on those other tiny cars.
(CHUCKLES) TINA: Here I come.
Look at all these smiling faces.
I-I-I got to go.
Also, you got to go, because there's a lot of things unwatched right now.
Ugh.
Fine.
I'm coming.
I don't even know why he wants me in there anyway.
Apparently, I'm not doing anything right.
- (ZEKE AND TINA GRUNT) - Uh-oh.
Shriner pileup.
But if he kicks me out, then I'm free.
Yes! I'm going to be such a bad cook that Thankszilla will banish me from Kitchenland in no time.
- Ha! - Okay, time to Shrine, Gene! Feel that tiny car energy! Okay, time to baste the breasts.
Do you want me to leave you guys alone? It's actually a really important job, Louise.
We use the baster to suck up the juices and then evenly distribute them like so.
Got it.
Let me take a whack at this.
Oh.
Okay.
Oh, whoops.
(CHUCKLES) Did I get it? Uh, nope, but I'm easy like Thursday morning.
Oops.
Missed the meat completely.
Oh, that must be so frustrating for you.
Why don't you try again? I'm-I'm very relaxed about all this cooking stuff.
Okay.
Whoa.
Missed again.
Boy, you should need a license for this thing.
Good job.
That's done.
Okay, uh, let's, uh, keep going.
Uh, look at all that stuff we're making.
- Over there.
- Oh, great.
Just closing the oven.
Oh, and now I'm being told some really cool marching band is ready to perform.
- Good for them.
- Two, three, four.
(MAKES TRUMPET SOUNDS) Just imagine the thousands of hours they must have practiced for this very day.
Are you kidding me? They got a flag waver? Hot damn.
Wow, if I was watching this, I'd be impressed.
And what the huh? - A gymnastics squad? - (BOTH GRUNTING) All right, how about you stir the cranberry sauce? I'm gonna use this guy.
This is good for stirring, right? Nope.
Nope.
Nope.
Ooh, this one's bigger.
- Let's use you.
- Uh, that wooden spoon looks like fun.
And now, no parade can be complete without a song from a hit Broadway musical.
Get ready for some singing! One, two, three, four! Here we are on Broadway It's a street but also a place with musicals Like Oklahoma That's a state but also a musical And Rent, which is a musical And also a thing you have to pay - The end.
- Oh, end.
(WEAK CHEERING) Oh, God.
We bombed.
They're just giving us grandparent claps.
To be fair, we told them this was a parade, and we didn't have any floats or balloons.
- And very little parading.
- It's true.
They could probably press charges.
(GASPS) Floats and balloons.
Gosh darn it, we need to do floats and balloons somehow.
It's Thanksgiving, and we're supposed to be doing the giving part.
The Garfield balloon himself couldn't have said it better.
Uh, guess what.
We're not done.
Actually, this was the finale before the finale.
- The pre-finale.
- The pre-nale.
So don't go anywhere.
This parade will be right back.
With floats and balloons.
- MAN: Oh, okay.
- WOMAN: All right.
We don't have any of those things.
We're definitely getting sued.
Okay, so just keep stirring the green beans like this so they don't burn, but also you want to keep them spread out so they cook evenly.
Got it.
So, like this, Papa? Is this good? - Is this spread out enough? - Mm-hmm.
Kind of.
I hadn't thought of doing it that way.
Just a big pile all the way over to the side.
Oh, that cutting board's gonna fall.
Go catch it.
How about we race to where your friends are, huh? I bet you a dollar I'm faster.
Gary could beat you.
He keeps in shape.
Unlike Mr.
Orange Soda over here.
Eats like a five-year-old.
- (BOSCO GROANS) - That's it! Lillian, stop talking about your precious Gary who isn't here.
Sergeant Bosco is here visiting you, bringing you flowers.
And you've got friends down the hall somehow, though it's hard to imagine.
So why don't you spend Thanksgiving with people who want to spend it with you? I'm gonna go find my kids.
And the only reason they won't visit me in a nursing home when I'm old is 'cause I won't be able to afford to live in one.
Happy Thanksgiving.
I don't know where she's getting any of that.
I'm on your side.
Okay, the turkey needs a couple more minutes.
Same with the brussels.
And you're holding the pickles above the mashed potatoes.
Uh, I'll just take that.
Yeah, if you don't like flavor.
Looks like some pickle juice might have fallen in.
Hopefully not.
The sweet potato casserole should be ready.
And now it's time to brown the marshmallows.
Oh, yes! The fire gun.
Let's do this.
Captain Casserole reporting for duty.
Oh, uh, it's just that we only get one shot at this, Louise, and if we don't get it right, it's ruined, so I-I'd better just do it.
And also, you know, it's not that fun.
What? No, I can be really careful! Dad, come on.
I was being bad at cooking on purpose.
Let me do it, please.
You-you you were being bad on purpose? Yes.
So you would kick me out.
You wanted me to kick you out? Yeah.
I did before, but now I don't.
Why would you do that? Let's talk about it after you give me that thing.
No, definitely not.
- I'm doing this.
- (YELLS IN FRUSTRATION) Since you don't want to be here so badly that you'd purposely mess up the most beautiful meal of the year.
- None of us wanted to be in here.
- What? The only reason I'm here at all is because I had the softest hand fart.
I-I don't know what that means, but I'm just gonna finish everything else myself.
Fine! That's clearly how you wanted it from the beginning, you Thankszilla.
- Bye.
Bye! - Bye.
I imagined that door slamming.
I'm just gonna say it.
Slam! This is beautiful.
You kids.
Uh, don't blow your nose on the toilet paper.
- We need it for the float.
- Oh.
This is supposed to be a float? If you really squint and then shut your eyes.
Louise, you're not helping in the kitchen? Nope.
I'm back.
What are we doing? We're aiming for the moon is what we're doing.
Or at least to get that one guy to stop snoring at us.
Hi, turkey.
It's just me in here now.
God, you're even more beautiful than you were five minutes ago.
(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE): Yeah, because you cooked me perfectly and you're a great chef and a great father and also unconventionally handsome.
(IN NORMAL VOICE): Thanks.
Uh, you didn't have to say all that.
(IN BURLY VOICE): Hey, I wasn't even gonna be a dish, and now look at me.
Thank you.
(IN NORMAL VOICE): You're welcome, brussels sprouts.
I do very much enjoy cooking Thanksgiving dinner.
(IN CHILDLIKE VOICE): And you're so good at it.
(IN NORMAL VOICE): Thanks, green beans.
But honestly, I-I might not be the easiest to be around in the kitchen on T-Day.
(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE): Are you kidding? I love being in the kitchen with you on T-Day, Bob.
And I love calling it T-Day.
(IN NORMAL VOICE): I-I don't know, mashed potatoes.
I feel like maybe you guys are just kind of telling me what I want to hear.
(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT): No, we love you.
You're the best.
Leave your family, Bob.
We'll run away together.
(IN NORMAL ACCENT): I mean, that might be nice for a little while, stuffing, but I don't want to run away with food.
(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE): You should.
We could make you happy, Bob.
(IN NORMAL VOICE): This is getting weird.
I-I think I'd better go talk to Louise.
I'm just gonna put some foil over you guys real quick.
(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE): No, no, no! (IN NORMAL VOICE): Shh.
No, it's okay.
You guys need to stay warm.
(SCREAMS IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Is this collection of inflated rubber gloves the best parade balloon ever? No, but is it a parade balloon? - Probably.
- Hi, guys.
- Louise, can we talk? - Sorry, we're busy.
- Just for a sec.
- Uh, I'm in the float zone, Dad, so unless you're a float or a balloon, I don't see you.
Can't tell.
Can't tell if we got there, but gosh darn it, it's too late to stop now, 'cause we're rolling! Bye, Dad.
Hee-yah! How about a totally sincere round of applause for the float? The theme is a mountain of medical supplies.
Look at all the things they got on that thing.
(MURMURING) And how about these glove balloons, huh? Eat your heart out, giant Snoopy.
I'm still light-headed from blowing these up.
Oh, so full of air, those balloons.
Uh, and I'm another balloon.
Do what? What's that balloon supposed to be? - Oh, um - Ignore him.
He's not really in the parade.
He's the chef.
The mean chef who works alone.
Um, my balloon is a-a character named Sorry, Louise.
Sorry Louise? Is that Pixar? What the hell is this? Aw, Lillian, you left your room.
Kind of regret it now.
- Hey, Lillian.
- Hi, Ernie.
What's this crap show? The TV's broken, and then I had a great nap.
Louise, hey.
I-I really want to say something.
Uh, I'm sorry I was a little bit of a Thankszilla.
I really did want you to be in the kitchen with me and maybe even to teach you a few things.
You know, I pictured us bustling around in there, high-fiving with spatulas, but I was way too much of a cook and not enough of a dad.
(SIGHS) Well, I guess I was kind of a jerk, too.
Sorry.
For what it's worth, every other day of the year, you're a pretty great dad.
Though you're kind of a monster on Easter, too.
And Russian May Day.
Do parades normally talk this much? Let's give it up for the Sorry Louise balloon over here.
Late entry.
Crowd favorite.
- Wow.
- (MURMURING) What an amazing parade.
You loved it.
We gave back.
It counts.
You're welcome.
Uh-oh, the wind's blowing this balloon off course.
Look out.
Oh, I was wondering where all the medical supplies went.
(PLEASED MURMURING) God, I freaking love Thanksgiving.
Aw.
Hey, Louise, there's one more thing I need your help with in the kitchen.
What's that? (YELLING) Captain Casserole! Woo-hoo-hoo! Captain Casserole flings her fiery fire flame And makes other kitchen helpers look so lame With her million-degree super butane torch All marshmallows will soon be scorched After Captain Casserole flings her fiery flame Captain Casserole flings her fiery fire flame Every single marshmallow will be maimed With a thousand degrees of butane blast She'll knock marshmallows - Right on their - (MAKES WHOOSHING SOUND) After Captain Casserole flings her fiery flame.