Big Bang Theory s12e09 Episode Script

1 Sheldon, do you want to put the tables after each section or in an appendix at the end? You know what? We wrote this paper together.
I think we should decide together that they go in an appendix at the end.
How about that? There is an "I" in "team.
" - Look at what we made.
- I know.
It really is the best of both of us.
It's got my math and your sassy takedown of the fundamental nature of symmetry.
It's got my bottomless intellectual curiosity and your petulant refusal to spell "gray" with an "a" like an American.
You realize we still have a lot of work to do before we can publish.
Perhaps we should divide and conquer.
Now, you track down all the citations and properly note them in our bibliography, and I will roll up my sleeves and decide what font we want to use.
Sheldon, there are hundreds of citations to track down.
And thousands of fonts, but you don't hear me complaining.
I am not gonna spend weeks in a library looking up old papers.
Can't we hire a grad student to do it? Yeah, a grad student? I am not trusting our unpublished paper to some millennial.
They'll put unicorn emojis on it and then post it on social media.
Why would they do that? Economic anxiety, too much avocado toast, who cares? Look, the point is, we can't afford to have this paper leaked before we're ready to publish.
That's how you kiss the Nobel Prize good-bye instead of hello as I intend to do.
I assume you mean metaphorically.
Absolutely not.
If the King of Sweden hands me a medal, I intend to smear it with Purell and then kiss it.
But what if we ask one of our friends to help us out? How about Leonard? Gee, I don't know.
Can we trust him? He's your best friend in the whole world.
Yes, but he's always struck me as the guy in the plane crash who doesn't wait until you're all the way dead to eat you.
I think you can trust him.
Oh, Amy, you never lose that childlike innocence.
Leonard, I need to tell you something.
I'm having an affair.
Okay.
You have to swear not to tell anybody.
Okay.
(stammers) You are the only one who knows.
Uh, well, you and Rita, the cafeteria lady who has been giving me more than Tater Tots.
Hey, Sheldon.
Not a word.
What did he want? Oh, nothing.
He just concocted some stupid test to see if I can keep a secret.
Ooh, what's the secret? I'm not gonna tell you that.
The test is stupid, but I still want to pass.
The Big Bang Theory 12x09 The Citation Negation Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started Wait! The Earth began to cool The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools We built the Wall We built the pyramids Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery That all started with a big bang Bang! Congratulations, Leonard, you passed my secret loyalty test.
The truth is, I was never having an affair with the cafeteria lady.
There's only one woman who gets to touch my no-no parts, and she's right here.
- Sheldon.
- No, no.
Well, I am shocked, Sheldon, because I totally believed that the woman you reported for being stingy with the peas couldn't keep her hands off you.
Well, I am a little hurt that you weren't gonna tell me my husband was having an affair.
I thought we were friends.
I didn't really believe him.
Why not? You don't think other women find him attractive? (laughing): No.
I suppose you're wondering why I put you through all this.
You mean the last two minutes or the last 20 years? We need to ask you a big favor.
Well, you've certainly gone about it the right way.
You know we're almost finished with our paper; we just need help tracking down the citations.
That's busywork.
Can't you just get a grad student to do it? No, this paper is incredibly important to us, and we need someone we can trust.
Please, it would mean a lot.
Y-You know what? Sure.
The three of us in the library looking up old papers-- that actually could be kind of fun.
Oh, no, we won't be there.
It just got more fun.
(gunfire sound effects) Bam, took him out.
(chuckles) Now I'm doing a victory dance to celebrate.
(funky music plays) Where are you? About to shoot some dancing jackass.
Hey! And now I'm doing a victory dance.
What you playing? Fortnite.
A bunch of people parachute onto an island and fight it out to be the last man standing.
Like Hunger Games? More like Bachelor in Paradise, but not as cutthroat.
Sounds fun.
Can I play? I don't know if you'd like it.
It's kind of for gamers.
Hey, I'm a gamer.
I play Candy Crush, Bejeweled, and Sesame Street Letter School, which I beat our daughter at every single time.
All right, give it a shot.
This one's how you move, this is how you shoot.
"A" jumps, "B" puts you into build mode.
And depending on what you want to build, you can use LB, RB, LT, or RT.
Just put me in, I'll figure it out.
Oh, sounds like me on our honeymoon.
Okay, you're skydiving down.
You're almost to the ground.
Now, when you land, you're gonna want (gunfire) Okay, you're dead.
Wait, that's it? That wasn't fun at all.
Oh, now it sounds like you on our honeymoon.
Thanks for helping with this.
What are friends for? My friend sent me down to this basement to do his grunt work, so I wouldn't know.
Hey, probably shouldn't say anything, but did you hear about Sheldon and the lunch lady? Yeah, uh, that's not true.
That's just something Sheldon made up to test us.
I wish I'd known that before I called her a floozy in front of the whole lunch line.
This is a list of the papers we need to pull.
Why don't we split up? You take half, I take half.
I don't know, it's pretty creepy down here.
Maybe we should stay together.
Come on, Raj, it's just a library.
You could say that about anything.
It's just a cemetery.
It's just a haunted house.
It's just a portal to hell.
F-Fine, how about we split up but we stay in constant communication with each other? Yeah, thank you.
Leonard? - Still here.
- Okay.
- Leonard? - Still here.
Okay.
Leonard? Leonard? (Leonard gasps) Oh, God! Too much dust.
(gunfire sound effects) Hey, ready for lunch? Hang on.
Really, video games? Is this some sort of Freaky Friday thing where you're actually Howard? Please, if I were Howard, I'd be doing this.
You know what? He's not wrong.
All right, great, can we go? In a minute.
I want to show Howard I can play this game.
You know, you make a lot more money than he does.
Can't you just rub his nose in that? I can, but I want to rub his nose in this.
Ugh, damn it, why can't I hit anybody? Here, let me try.
Lots of luck-- it's way harder than it looks.
(explosion) Got him.
Okay, this citation is correct.
How you doing? Pretty good.
I'm just looking through "The Effect of High Energy Muons on Proton Pion Scattering at the National Accelerator" (inhales) "Laboratory.
" Hey, should we take a break? No, this actually makes it more exciting.
We have to get through all of this before I run out of this.
It's like the movie Speed, but instead of a bus, it's your lungs.
And instead of Sandra Bullock, it has sadness.
Why did you pull this Russian paper? Oh, it was cited in this paper over here, so I thought we should check it out.
Mm, it's not translated.
Maybe we should talk to Howard; his Russian's pretty good.
We don't need Howard.
I've got Google Translate.
Okay, here we go, from Russian to English.
"Examinations of moose chowder in lemon parachutes.
" Yeah, okay, now I know why this app is free.
Oh, gosh, my Russian's a little rusty.
If it helps, this word may be "moose.
" Okay.
This paper is called "Examinations of a Super-Asymmetric Model of the Universe" by Dr.
Vasily Gregora-poli-popivich.
W-Wait, so Amy and Sheldon weren't the first to think of super-asymmetry? No, doesn't look like it.
This is from 1978.
Okay, well, they might need to rename their theory "The Cooper-Fowler Gregora-poli-popivich Theory.
" Kind of rolls right off your tongue, doesn't it? Sheldon is not gonna be happy about this.
Well, he's gonna be less happy about this, uh "The super-asymmetric model "is inherently flawed and does not bear the weight of further examination.
" Hmm.
So this disproves their theory? Sounds like it.
Oh, how are we gonna tell him? That's easy.
Just go up to him and say, "Sheldon, Raj has something to tell you.
" Why do I have to tell him? You did find it.
I fou-- but he's the one who translated it.
Okay, okay, h-how about this? We all tell him.
Or even better: you tell him.
Yeah, that makes the most sense.
You guys are such cowards.
Yes, we are.
Hey, Denise.
Is Stuart here? Oh, no.
Doctor's appointment.
Oh, is he okay? Not since I've known him.
Which brings up an interesting question.
You and Stuart.
Why? I don't know.
My parents owned a funeral home.
Read into that what you will.
What can I help you with? I was hoping Stuart could show me how to play Fortnite.
- Mm, I can teach you.
- Really, you good? Look at my skin.
I haven't been outside in six years.
So you'll coach me? Sure.
Now let me ask you a question.
Howard.
Why? You got eyes-- what do you think? (sighs) (groans) (mutters) (groans, mutters) (groans) Wow, I really wish I didn't see this.
Oh, hey.
I just need to give Sheldon some bad news, and I really don't want to.
- Oh, my God.
Is everything okay? - No, I-I found a paper that proves their theory wrong.
They thought this was gonna be their Nobel Prize.
It's gonna break his heart.
Oh, man.
Maybe leave an anonymous note, you know, like in high school, when you want to let your best friend know that her boyfriend's cheating on her.
Why wouldn't you just tell her that? I don't know.
Maybe you had a hickey.
I-Isn't it better to get bad news from a friend? Trust me, it's not.
I went to prom with a hickey and a black eye.
Come on, knock on the door.
You can do this.
All right, a-all right, here I go.
Oh, wait, just let me get inside.
Why? "Why"? Come on.
(door closes) Oh, hey, Leonard.
Is the podcast too loud? I didn't hear a podcast.
I told you no one could hear it.
Well, I heard Ira Glass, so he's either in your earbuds or clinging to the ceiling like a gecko.
Actually, I-I need to talk to both of you about your paper.
Oh, right, how are the citations coming? Well, Raj and I were chasing them down like you asked us to, and, um, we came a-across a, a Russian paper that seems to disprove super-asymmetry.
Are you sure? Yeah, uh, Howard translated it.
I'm so sorry.
Sheldon, are you, are you all right? Oh, yes, of course.
Thank you for telling us, Leonard.
I'm sure that wasn't easy.
I guess we don't need this anymore.
(sighs) (screams) So what are you listening to, This American Life? Okay, so walk up to that chest and push X.
X.
Push X.
Which one's X? The one with the X on it.
Take it easy, I'm new at this.
What, the alphabet? You don't have to be snarky.
Hey, do you want to play the game, or do you want to crawl back up your mommy's shirt and chow down like a baby? Damn, what is wrong with you? I'm sorry, I thought you wanted to beat your husband.
- I do.
- Well, then suck it up! Okay! (knocking on door) Hi.
Can I do anything? No.
I can make you some tea, I-I could sing "Soft Kitty.
" I don't understand how you're not more upset by this.
This is your paper, too.
I am upset, Sheldon.
I'm just trying to hold it together for you.
Like when that goose wouldn't leave us alone at brunch.
That thing scared you, too? Well, of course it did.
I was wearing a down jacket.
Well, I don't need you to pretend to be okay for me.
If anything, that makes it worse.
Fine.
I'm not okay.
We came up with this idea at our wedding.
We poured months of our lives into it.
I thought we were changing the course of science, and now it's all gone.
I'm devastated.
I was wrong, that makes it worse.
Go back to being happy.
(gunfire over computer) Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- Hey.
You, uh, playing that, what's it called again? Fortnow? - Fortnite.
- Right.
I guess I forgot 'cause I only played it that one time and I was so bad at it.
Don't beat yourself up.
It's a hard game.
Would you mind if I gave it another shot? Mm, maybe later, Berna Give me.
Where are you, Howard, where are you? Let me just build a little ramp, get some height.
You want to press B to go into build-- oh, you already did it.
Did I? I'm just hitting buttons.
Wee! I see your ramp.
I'm coming for you.
You can try, but (explosion sound effect) Gotcha.
(chuckles) Son of a bitch.
Want to play again? No! - Howard.
- What? I make more money than you.
You got yourself a good one there, buddy.
So neither of them showed up for work today? No, I tried calling and no one picked up.
Look, I'm sure they're fine.
They were probably up all night coming up with a new theory.
I-I also texted to see if he wanted to go to the new Fantastic Beasts movie and he didn't respond.
All right, well, they're already dead.
There's nothing we can do.
SHELDON: Come in.
PENNY: Hey You guys look all comfy.
Did-did you take the day off? It's Saturday.
No, it's not.
Great, another thing we're wrong about.
How many does that make, Amy? Two.
Two things.
What happened to us? I'll tell you what happened.
Professor Gregoropovich.
I-I think it's Gregora-poli-popivich, but Three.
Look, you guys, you had a, you had a setback, you know? This is the time you got to dig in and-and try harder.
It's like halftime and you're down by seven.
What are you doing? All right, it's-it's like Bat-halftime and you're down by Bat-seven.
Let me try.
You-you guys can't just give up.
Uh, individually, you are the smartest people I know.
Together, you can do anything.
I appreciate what you're trying to do but please stop.
You can't make this better.
- All right, Amy, listen - I'm with Sheldon.
We worked our butts off on this paper and it was all for nothing.
And if you think some pep talk can fix that, then you don't understand how much this meant to us.
Is there anything we can do? No.
Yeah-- wait.
Do I smell Siam Palace? Oh, yeah, it's our dinner.
I mean, it's your dinner.
Any mango sticky rice? PENNY: No.
And the blows keep coming.
I see you.
I see you and boom.
(explosion sound effect) Gotcha! How's it feel, Penny? Like I don't care at all.
Wrong, it feels bad because you lost and I won.
Whoo! What a rush! All right, can we go eat now? - Hell yeah.
- All right.
Hey, how's it going? Boom! Okay, I'm-I'm gonna drive.