South Park s12e09 Episode Script

Okay.
Chilildren, let's all take our seats.
Before we get started today.
Wendy testaburger has asked to share something with the clasS.
Wendy? Thank you,mr.
GarrisoN.
Fellow students, october is awareness month for the one of the leading causes of death for womeN.
A disease that takes the lives of american women every day.
I'm talking of course about breast canceR.
An estimated one in six women will deal with cancer in their lifetime and breast cancer is the most common --.
She said it again.
Is there a problem? Because isn't funny.
Breast cancer is killing people.
Mr.
Garcia, do we really need all of this potty talk in the classroom? Eric, f for the love of jesus.
This is a serious issue eric, what you're doing is offensivE.
Me, you're the one talking about killer titties, watch out wendy,guys, went day says boobs can kill you.
I don't want to get killed by boobs.
Will somebody do something.
Every week he gets worse and nobody does anything.
Eric, stop being offensivE.
I'm trying to engage wendy in a constructive dialog about breast cancer awareness.
No, you aren'T.
Wendy, you better calm down, you'll get your boobs angry and they'll start killing everyone.
I'm on fire today! Look out everyone, there's some killer titties on the loose.
Could have swore i heard them coming through the roof.
Officer, we need to get an apb out on those titties, they're armed and dangerous.
What is your problem? Testify breast cancer isn't funny.
Not at all.
Wendy, we are going to get you wendy, where are your boobs we are going to kill you.
You better shut up or i'll make you shouldn'T.
Really, what are you going to do about it wendy? I'm going to kick your ass, that's what I am going to do.
Your gonna kick my ass? That's right, i am gonna kick my ass.
You want to throw down, dawg, I'll throw down.
You think you're tough.
What's up?What's up? I'm smack the.
Out of you.
Throw down, bitch.
After school, we fight after school, gout there.
You'll fight me after school? That's right.
You're a chick, dudE.
As soon as that bell rings we do it outside and you better be there.
It's on bitch.
Your going tO.
Die! Wendy and eric are fighting after school everybody.
Wendy and eric are fighting after schooL.
What? Wendy and cartman are going to fight after school Relly Wendy and cartman are fighting after school.
Yea! Hey, emo kids, wendy and cartman are gonna fight after school.
Did she just call us emos? Gee, i can't wait, wendy gonna fight you after school.
She is pissed off.
She's not gonna show up to a fight, dawG.
I'm sure she's already tried to figure out a way to get out of it.
Hey, check it out, she's totally staring you down.
She sure seems confident, you should go easy on her, dude, you don't want to put her in pt hospital.
I'm gonna teach her a lesson, I'm not gonna totally kick her ass.
Can't go too easy on her, god forbid she gets a good punch iN.
Yeah, if you get beat by a girl, everyone would think you're a faggot.
Wendy, could i talk to you for a second? What? wendy, i want to apologize and tell you that --.
What? I want to apologize and tell you that I'm sorry for what i said, okay? It was wrong of me and i promise you that it won't happen again.
I don't want to fight you after school, all right? So, I'm sorry.
If you're really sorry you can say it in front of everyone! Actually i was thinking let's just keep this between us.
I was wrong to make fun of breast cancer and I'm very remorsefulness.
No, if you're really sorry and you want to apologize to me, then do it in front of everyone! Apologize? That's not what i said dumb bitch.
Yes, you did, you stood there and said you apologized and don't want to fight.
Wendy, a desperate attempt to get out testify.
These students are too smart to see you're making excuses to get out of fighting mE.
I am i don't want to get out it.
I'm gonna beat the.
Out of you.
That's funny, you're going to die lezbo.
Wendy, seriously, i want to apologize, I'm sorry i don't think we should fight.
Get away from me! So, everyone is saying there's going to be a fight between eric cartman and your girlfriend.
I guess sO.
And you're going to just let at that guy beat up on your woman? Doesn't that like go against your jockey man code or something? Yeah, i don't ever remember ac/dc singing about letting it dudes beat up on their girlfriends.
What am i supposed to do about it? Don't worry, stan, I don't think it's going to happen.
Cartman says that wendy is begging him to it call the fight off.
****** I hope not, i want to see wendy kick the crap out of him.
- Wendy.
- What.
Real quick, real quick.
Wendy, you're not gonna believe this, i just found out my mom has breast cancer.
Man, i sure got what was coming to me.
I was a real jerk and now they're gonna cut off my mom's boobS.
You really think that's going to work on me? Wendy, i have here $27 in cash.
If you just call off the fight then i --.
You can't bribe your way out of this.
Wendy, i have muscular dystrophy.
No, you don't.
My mom has muscular dystrophy in her boobs.
You don't get it asshole, there's nothing you can do to stop this fight.
I am gonna wipe the playground in front of everyonE.
I am gonna shove your ass down your throat and make you eat your underwear.
- Eat my underwear? - That's right.
Okay, wendy, I'll eat my underwear right here and right now.
Jesus crys do you have no sense of self-respecT.
No, unless you want me to, if you want me to have self-respect.
You suck so hard.
I'm eat my underwear and then we'll put this whole thing behind us.
What are you doing.
I'm committed to peace, wendy I want you to see just how humbleed i am, how much i --.
Wendy, look at me, wendy.
Oh, my god.
So, are we cool? No! I ate my underwear, what the hell do you want me me? You are so pathetic.
Wendy, i ate my underwear for you, no! Jo what's up dawg? - We need to talk.
- What? You know, wendy and i are suppose today fight in like three hours.
- Yeah.
- Dude, aren't you worried? Wendy is a girl shy could end up getting really hert, stan, you're my bro and she's she's your bitch, i can't heart my bro's bitch, ******* she told me she doesn't want to fight.
****** She knows i am gonna kick her ass and feels if she doesn't fight me the girls will call her chicken.
Really? Now what she did, she apologized and begged me not to fight heR.
I said if you're sorry, stay it in front of everyone, but she wouldn'T.
That's how desperate these.
You have to do something, stan, you have to.
Be a man and forbid her --.
Oh, that's where i put those.
Anyway, stan, you've got to put a stop to the fight.
Wendy needs you.
Dude, there's nothing I can do about it.
God, you are such a pusy, stan, you're a pussy, when i hurt wendy it will be on And so you see at this point your rip disease knew he could not win the battle.
I'm going to wipe the playground with you right in front of everyonE.
If you got beat by a girl everyone would say you're a faggot.
For homework, i want you all to read chapter seven.
Take this Wendy! When the bell rings we've got to get out there and find a good place to watch this.
There's no way out, she's gonna kick my ass in front of everyone.
Almost there.
And be be ready for a quiz tomorrow morning.
I totally can't see the fight dude, i've got detention after school.
Detention, that's it! I've got to get detention fast! Eric, did you just take a crap on my desk? What's up? What's up? Crapped on your desk dawg, what's up with that? Welcome to detention mkay? You're here until your parents pick you up.
Use your time to study.
Oh, sweet.
Eric what's going on.
Everyone is start to go say you got detention on purpose to get out of fighting wendy.
RidiculouS.
Some people say you crapped on the desk to get detention.
******** Why did you crap on the desK.
******* I'm anti-establishment, that's how i roll, dawg, i do stuff like that.
I said he's not scared of fighting wendy, he'd do it if he could.
I got all punk rock and got detention, a bad dudE.
That's good because we moved the fight to first thing tomorrow morning tomorrow before school starts.
Everyone is going to get there early.
That way it doesn't matter that you have detention.
Eric, get your buns back over here.
Wendy says she will be there an hour before school starts, see you in the morning, okay? Tomorrow morning, you die tomorrow morning.
- Wendy! - Yeah? We need to talk to you right now! Wendy, have you been bullying kids at school? What? No! Well, do you want to explain why this little boy's mother had to come talk to us? Did you tell this little boy you were going to beat him up? You don't understand he said horrible thingS.
The thing is, I totally said I was sorry, but she still wants to beat me up.
Wendy, no matter what a person says, you don't respond with violence.
Haven't we taught you that? The thing swendy, i really think you're awesome, and i know I'm just a nerdy little weakling to you, but i want to be your friend because I don't have that many friends at school.
Wendy, you tell this little boy you aren't going to hurt him! - Mom, you don't --.
- Now, young lady.
I'm not going to hurt you.
If there's any word of you fighting at school, it's over for you missy, do you understand? Yes, sir.
We're so sorry about this, miss cartman.
Oh, no, thank you so much for your time.
It really won't happen again.
You're very sweet.
Thank you again.
Come on, muffiN.
Okay, mommy, ma ma, ma ma.
Man, it's almost time for school to start.
Wendy still isn't here.
Yeah, I don't know what's going on.
I showed up.
Where is she? How come wendy is not showing up for the fight.
Here she comes! What's up, wendy i thought we were meeting early to fight.
Now i can't fight you.
Why not? You chicken? It bwawk bwawk bwawk, bwawk bwawK.
I can't fift you because you came crying to my house last night with your mom.
Oh, that's a doozie, wendy, did you come up with that one on your own.
Yeah, you come up with that one on your owner? I ain't frontin' dawg, let's do it.
Come on, wendy kick his ass! I can't! God dammit, she chickened out.
Told you guys! Oh, i'm glad that's over witH.
Yeah, guess who dodged a bullet, galahad.
I always knew deep down wendy didn't have any.
And so we must all recycle every day.
Recycling is important and it will save our planet earth.
The end.
Very nice, clyde.
Okay, we have time for more more report before recess, who would like to go? Okay, eric.
Thank you.
My report today is on breast cancer awareness.
I do not believe enough is being done and like the victims of breast cancer, there's something I'd like to get off my chest.
We all must fight and hopefully kid titty cancer will be a distant memory.
You unbelieveable bastard.
You beat me, but you won't stop.
What did the breast cancer say to the polish monkey.
Okay, eric, that's enough you smart ass.
Why, why are you doing this to me? Why won't you just stop.
Wendy, wendy.
Wendy testaburger to the principal's office, please? Wendy testaburger to the principal's office.
God! Wendy, i've been hearing rum irs of a fight between you and eric cartman.
No, man there isn't going to be a fight.
Oh, no? Are you sure.
Yes, ma'am.
I see.
I noticed all the things you've done for breast cancer awareness month.
Did you know I'm a breast cancer survivor? Ma'am? I was diagnosed seven years ago.
Cancer is it pure evil, it's a fat little lump that needs to be destroyed.
When there is a cancer, you have to fight it.
You can't reason with cancer, you can't wish it away.
Cancer doesn't play by the rules so neither can you.
My parents said that if i fight--.
And you can't listen to what anybody else tells you.
You have to be willing to give up everything because the cancer will take everything.
Do you understand? Yes, ma'am! When you have cancer, you fight because it doesn't matter if you beat it or not.
Yo u refuse to let that fat little lump think you feel powerless.
She's gonna fight.
Wendy's gonna fight cartman right now.
What? ********Not that dude, retard.
She's coming.
****** Wendy is coming to fight you.
Oh, boy, here we go.
About freaking time.
All right.
Let's do it! Wendy, what's up? What's up? Wendy, don't forget I'll tell my mom on you.
I don't care.
Recess is almost over, i don't know if there's really time.
Shut up and fight! All right, wine, wendy, i'll fight you.
Him up, wendy! Wendy? I'm finished.
Somebody, somebody call the principal! You have don't have to say anything.
I know how it iS.
I'm no longer the cool kid.
Now you all think i'm a fag.
My school life is over because now all the guys don't think i'm cool.
Dude, we never thought you were cooL.
That's not true.
You're just saying that.
No, really, we've always thought you suck.
Yeah, nothing's changed.
Our opinion of you can't possibly go any lower.
You're just saying that to make me feel betteR.
No, it's truE.
We've always hated you.
Yeah.
Don't try and make me feel better, you guys.
Wait, wait a minute, why would you guys be saying stuff to make me feel better? Unless, unless you do think I'm cool.
What? If you're all trying to make me feel better then you must still like me.
I've been so worried about you guys were going to think of me getting beat up by a girL.
It turns out you think I'm cool no matter what! Oh, oh, oh, god, what a relief! Yea!