Bob's Burgers s12e10 Episode Script

1 Good morning, little elves on all the shelves.
Time to start the day right with a visit from - The Very Merry Mice! - Santa put us in his pocket And we're going for a ride To all the little girls and boys With presents by our side Can someone turn down the radio? Just kidding.
I know it's Gene playing music.
- Good one, T.
- Thanks.
Aw, Gene's my favorite little Christmas DJ.
He's got two turntables and a mistletoe.
Yup, every year, starting at first light on December 1st, all day, every day.
And I can't escape it 'cause I live here.
It's way too early to blast this noise on my tender, tiny eardrums.
I can barely hear myself think of stuff I want to ask Santa for.
I'm just gonna start shouting it out.
Motorcycle! Gene, come get some breakfast before you pass out.
I'm good.
My DJ setup has a cereal bar, as they all do, I assume.
I ho-ho-hope you enjoyed that holiday classic.
But Christmas ain't merry without this DJ Gene favorite.
You know it, you love it.
Percy McTinsel-Bud's Tinsel Machine - Oh, boy.
-Oh, God.
Ugh! This album gets way too much play.
Some of us don't need to hear it every ten minutes.
Percy McTinsel-Bud's Tinsel Machine - This is your fault, Dad.
- I know.
I'm so sorry.
Who are you? Oh, I forgot I still had that.
That-That's Percy McTinsel-Bud.
It's a really weird Christmas album from the '70s.
My aunt gave it to me.
I-I think she smoked a lot of pot.
It's a Christmas album? Why are there kittens diving into a tea cup? I don't remember all the songs, but maybe there's one about that.
I-I'll just donate it to the trash.
No, I want it! It makes me uncomfortable in a way I kinda like.
If only I'd destroyed that thing when I had the chance.
At least we all get to suffer together as a family? GENE: Mother, dance with me to "Santa's Groove-Shop.
" Oh, my God, the DJ asked to dance with me.
- Coming.
- No.
Stop encouraging him.
Also, Santa doesn't allow grooving in his shop.
He's all business.
Dancing on the workshop dance floor Hey, can I ask you guys something? Is the question: can we use your allowance to check into a hotel till New Year's? Yes.
No.
Do you think I could get really, really, really good at gift wrapping? I want to learn to gift wrap like the pros.
- What do you mean? - My gift-giving game is ho ho ho, but my gift wrapping game is a no no no.
I want to be good at both so I can be a Christmas double threat.
You are pretty bad at wrapping.
Remember that time when Mom thought your present to her was a crumpled pile of garbage, and she threw it out? Oh, yeah, that was sad.
But the gloves you got her were nice, when she fished them out of the dumpster.
Too bad she didn't have gloves for that.
GENE: Anyone have any requests for DJ Gene after this song? - Uh - How about nothing? You know what, never mind.
I know what everyone's thirsty for.
- Percy McTinsel-Bud.
- (screams) TEDDY: Thanks, Linda.
Hey, I have a proposal for you guys.
- Uh - What is it? How'd you two like to do a neighborhood Secret Santa? - Ooh.
- Oh, no, thanks.
Come on.
Neighborhood Secret Santa.
Like, let's say I get Bob, and Bob gets Linda, and Linda gets me.
How fun is that? - No.
Oh.
- I love it.
But, Teddy, you can't do Secret Santa with three people.
Sure you can.
Three is perfect.
I'm pretty sure that's the traditional way it's done.
- (bell jingles) - Hello.
Hi, Mort.
Hey, you want to do - a neighborhood Secret Santa with us? - Wait, what? - Oh, uh, okay, sure.
- Ah But, full disclosure, I've never Secret Santa'd before, so be gentle.
- Ugh.
- What? Four people is still not really enough people.
Darn.
Should we maybe just go back to how things were before Teddy mentioned this idea? - (bell jingles) - Oh, oh, Mike, you got to do neighborhood Secret Santa with us.
We need the numbers.
Oh, uh, I don't know.
- Oh, come on.
- It's You don't have to.
- It's neighborhood Secret Santa.
- No one has to.
I mean, it's not as though I've got an insanely busy job this time of year or anything.
- Feel free to say no, Mike.
- Oh, no, I'm definitely in.
I just wanted you guys to appreciate how hard I work during the holidays.
All right.
Okay, so I write everyone's name, put 'em in a cup, and then we all pick.
Whatever name you get, you buy them a present.
But you can't tell anyone who you got.
No trading names, either.
Or else the Christmas police will come and take you to Christmas jail.
Oh, then do we get arraigned-deer? - (chuckles) - Mort, please.
And we don't spend any more than, uh, let's say 15 bucks on a present.
Unless you get my name, then go nuts.
Ha.
Just kidding.
Sorta.
Okay, everyone draw a name.
- Bob, you go first.
- Oh, we-we're really doing this? - (Teddy sighs) - Quit your sighing and pick a name, Teddy.
This was your idea.
Right.
Great.
Here I go.
Picking a name.
Aah, no! You got to be kidding me.
Anyone but aah! I mean, great.
So glad we're doing this.
WOMAN (over laptop): Just make sure to crease your corners, and voilà, the perfectly wrapped gift.
Dang it, how does she get her corners that straight? Did she sell her soul to the devil? GENE: Okay, all you saucy Christmas puddings, stuff this in your stocking.
- Percy McTinsel-Bud - (all groaning) No! Sleep was my one true escape! -Gene -I know, but hear me out.
I realized, why does the party have to end, just 'cause of bedtime? Christmas music season is only 30 days a year.
You know I love that you love being Mommy's Christmas DJ, but I think everyone's just feeling, uh, tired, 'cause it's nighttime.
Also, you should be in bed, where we thought you were.
Come on, give us a fade-out and one sleigh bell, - and off to bed.
- Okay, fine.
- See you at 5:30 for the morning zoo.
- (elephant trumpets) Okay, honey, put your album away - and go to sleep.
- I will.
I just want to say good night - to all the songs just one more time.
- All right.
You're a great song.
You're a great song.
You're a great song.
You're a great song.
(sighs) - (crunch) - Huh? Aah! No! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! - Gene? Gene, what is it? - (Gene groaning) LINDA: Oh, no, your record.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Gene.
Yeah, I'm really, really gonna miss it.
Dang.
It's okay, it's okay.
I'm taping it back together, and we'll be listening to Percy McTinsel-Bud's funky Christmas hits again in no time.
Oh, why did my beautiful, sleeping body have to crush you? Uh, maybe go easy on the tape.
We're getting low.
Not because of me and my gift wrap issues.
I mean Never mind.
Gene, I-I don't think that's how records will work.
It-It's fine.
It's perfect.
I actually think it could use more.
- (loud screeching) - (all crying out) Aah, turn it off, turn it off.
Oh, God, why couldn't it have been me? Why couldn't it have been me? I'm so sorry you broke your record, baby.
Yeah, it-it was a really great one.
We still need our little Christmas DJ to play all the other jingle-merry hits, right? - I mean, do we? - Shush.
Yeah, Gene, look at all these other records that want to go for a spin.
(silly voice): Hey, Gene, play me.
I'm fun, too.
(Gene groans loudly) Sounds like somebody's coming around.
Hey, you know, this can't be the only Percy McTinsel-Bud record.
There's got to be other ones out there.
- Huh? - LOUISE: Dad, shush.
You're right, Bob.
Tina, Louise, isn't there a little record store up the street? Why don't you take your brother there to look for another copy? Uh, great idea, but maybe after the lunch rush? Father, how can any of us think about working at the restaurant at a time like this? We'll bring Gene to the record store for as long as it takes.
I mean, I sort of wanted to practice my gift wrapping in the restaurant in between customers.
- Bup, bup, bup.
Gene? - Okay, I'll go.
But I'm still pretty weak from my traumatic morning.
Can you guys make a little seat with your hands and carry me? - Fine.
- Okay.
LINDA: You good there, Teddy? You been so quiet, nibbling your food like a little Christmas church mouse.
- I'm great.
- I'm gonna go down to the walk-in, get some more lettuce.
Oh, yeah, get some more lettuce.
Get lots of lettuce.
That's Okay.
- Linda.
- What? What? I need to switch out my Secret Santa name with a different name.
Come on, Teddy, you know the rules.
- Please.
I won't tell anyone.
- No.
I got Mort, okay! -I don't hear that.
I don't hear -I got Mort.
- I don't want to do this anymore.
- Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la It wasn't supposed to go down like this.
I was supposed to get one of you guys.
Christmas.
Oh, Secret Santa stuff.
I got Mike.
- No! - Everybody shush! GENE: It's not in Holiday.
It's not in Folk.
It's not in Funk.
And why isn't there a Holiday Funk Folk section? What kind of record store is this?! Maybe we just ask for some help? Hi.
My brother wants to know if you have this record.
The moisture is just tummy sweat.
We were sharing body warmth.
Percy McTinsel-Bud's Tinsel Machine? Never heard of it.
Good news is, I guess you already own it? - It's broken, like all my dreams! - Easy, Gene.
Did you check the Holiday section? Oh, your so-called Holiday section? Yes.
Who the hell is Bing Crosby? Sorry, I guess we don't have it.
Well, we did our best.
No! - (groaning) - Are you gonna be like this all through Christmas? Uh-huh.
Please, what would you do if you were looking for this record? How do we get another one? Well, I would go online, but I assume you did that already.
But, um, just for a joke, pretend we didn't.
What would you look up? Well, you'd go on Recordrooter.
Hmm, it was released in 1973 by Toodle-Loo Records.
But I'm not seeing any copies for sale anywhere.
GENE: But it's a holiday classic.
So there's just, like, no more of them in the world? They're just gone? Well, yeah.
I mean, some records just kinda go away.
And that's why you got to take really good care of those special, rare albums.
GENE: No ! Well, I mean there are some collectors who go deeper than Recordrooter.
Try this guy.
He's local, and he's a super-obsessive collector.
He once found a copy of Pavarotti's novelty record, Naughty Pavarotti.
Okay, I like it.
Hey, do you guys gift wrap here? - I guess we can.
- Teach me everything you know.
- Tina, stop.
- Sorry.
- Whoa, guys.
- (gasps) - Hey, Courtney.
Is your dad home? - What? BOB: So, I-I know you don't want to know that I have Mike, but do you think that somebody very much like Mike might enjoy a throw pillow that looks like a wooden log? Bob, stop.
It's not Out-Loud Santa, it's Secret Santa.
That's what makes it fun.
It was even more fun to not buy gifts for someone I don't know that well.
Also, now I'm worried about disappointing our mailman - and maybe not getting mail anymore.
- (phone ringing) - Bob's Burgers.
- TEDDY: Bob! Oh, hi, Teddy.
Don't say my name, don't tell Linda it's me.
Okay, stranger I don't know.
I can't find anything to get Mort.
I just keep seeing things you and Linda would love.
Is Teddy talking about his Secret Santa? Tell him he's got to do it on his own.
- Come on, I'm dying over here.
- Um, I-I - Hanging up now.
- I hate this.
- You love it.
- No.
Hmm, I'm not familiar with this album, but I know the label Toodle-Loo Records.
They're super small, they didn't put out much, and, uh Ugh, these lights are so tangled, I can't tell if I'm making it worse or better.
It definitely looks more tangled than before.
This used to be all nice and long.
They're pretty, though.
I mean, I'm sure they're prettier when they're on.
It's just, last year everyone in this neighborhood started doing major Christmas decorations.
So we gave it a go, and I thought we had a good display, but we were way under lit.
And somehow over-reindeered.
I'm not going through that again.
It was a lot of reindeers, Dad.
So, getting back to the record Do you know where we can find a copy? Or do you know someone who knows where we could find a copy? (gasps) I do know someone.
- What time is it in London? - There's really no way to know.
Uh, tea time? She helped me track down Naughty Pavarotti.
- Lot of buzz about that record.
- I know, right? So, yeah, if anyone can help me track down a super rare, out of print Toodle-Loo Records Christmas album, it's her.
It's the most specific superpower.
Dad, I'm doing that part.
Okay, but I'm just gonna do it, uh, better.
Oh, it's ringing.
(shudders) English ring-tones, they freak me out.
(laughs): Ah, hi, Alice.
Doug Wheeler.
Have I, uh, caught you in the middle of anything, or - Oh, you're having some tea.
- Yes.
Uh, listen, I won't keep you.
Have you heard of a record called Percy McTinsel-Bud's Tinsel Machine? - (all gasp) - She's heard of it.
Shh.
Uh, listen I'm trying to track down a copy.
It's kind of an emergency situation.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Oh.
Oh, no.
Okay.
Well, then, I'll let you go.
Thanks.
Or cheers.
Ta-ta? Oh, you say "bye.
" So do I.
I say bye.
Bye Bye.
So, they pressed very, very few copies, which only went out to the band's fan club.
And they had very few fans.
Then there was a fire at the Toodle-Loo Records warehouse.
No one died, but if there were any copies of the record in there, uh, yeah, they died.
So we're getting closer? That copy of the Percy McTinsel-Bud that you are holding could be the last physical copy on this blue marble we call Earth.
- And you said you broke it, right? - (crying out) - (groaning) - Aw, my sweet Gene.
Do you want a piece of cheese? Want some salami? Oh, do you want me to go DJ for a little while? No.
I never want to hear any holiday music ever again.
(gasps) You don't mean that.
He didn't even say anything about the cheese and the salami.
I know.
I'm really scared.
Seems like Gene's got to get his moans out.
Should we, uh, leave him to it? I have a bad, stupid idea that I don't even want to say, but I don't know what else to do.
- Tickle party? - No.
We recreate Percy McTinsel-Bud ourselves? Oh.
But also tickle party? So you're saying you want us to record Gene's terrible Christmas album ourselves from memory? I said it was dumb, but what's our alternative? Mopey Claus in there is gonna ruin Christmas.
I think it's a good idea.
I mean, we all know the songs, since he played them a lot, every day.
But how do we do it without Gene knowing? He lives here so much.
Also, we don't play any instruments, and we don't sing.
I beg your pardon? Okay, fine.
I don't think it's gonna work, but it's either this or we have to put Gene down.
Because the kid is really suffering.
We could do it tomorrow in the restaurant when there's no customers.
- Which is something that happens a lot.
- Louise.
We just need to figure out how to get Gene out of the house.
Maybe some kind of zip line? Those are fun.
(phone rings) Hello.
Oh, hi, Courtney.
I don't know if Gene can come to the phone right now.
He's moaning.
I just wanted to let him know he left his retainer here.
Uh, Gene doesn't wear a retainer, honey.
Okay then someone's throwing retainers in our yard.
Oh, Mom, let me talk to her.
So I guess I'm going to Courtney's now because she was weirdly insistent that I help her and her dad hang up Christmas lights? But all I want to do is lie on the floor and think about how nothing gold can stay.
Go, Gene.
You'll have a great time hanging up lights Yeah.
Electricity is amazing.
And Courtney and Doug are so fun.
You won't miss anything here.
We'll just be watching Tina while she keeps wrapping the same tissue box over and over again.
My creases are getting crisper.
Don't look at this one.
Maybe I could use that for my Secret Santa gift.
- Bob, no.
$15.
- But those are the good - tissues.
They're so soft.
- Uh-uh.
- Okay, Gene, come on.
- Fine, I'll go.
But I won't have fun because I'll never smile again.
That's the spirit.
There you go.
Okay, have fun.
Love you, bye.
You're great and everything's normal.
Now, careful with that snowman.
Do not let it tip over.
Oh, look, there's the Robinsons.
Hi.
No, no.
no, don't look, don't look, we're not set up yet.
- Gene.
Gene! - Wha ? Block that side.
Block that side.
LOUISE: Okay, Percy McTinsel-Bud's Tinsel Machine intro track, take one.
(out of tune, out of sync): Percy McTinsel-Bud's Tinsel Machine.
Cut.
Cut.
Is everybody warmed up? - Are you warmed up? - How do I do that? The hippest moves you've ever grooved to On the workshop dance floor.
Who are people? We are people Elves are people, too.
- Zip! Bam! Pop! - What do I hear? It's Santa's sleigh in the atmosphere He's got space reindeer To pull him through the stars, space reindeer - Na-na-na-na-na Mars - He's givin' presents to Mars Up there in his sleigh.
(falsetto): Teacup kittens strike again! - (entry bell jingles) - Are you open? Uh, yes.
Uh, yes, we-we are.
What's wrong with you, lights? Why aren't you lighting? And the plastic carolers don't look merry at all.
I give up.
I guess we'll have to move.
At least you didn't roll over and break your dreams in half.
- Stupid Christmas.
- Yeah.
Stupid Christmas.
- I like Christmas.
- No, you don't.
- I do.
- Name one good thing.
The presents, Santa, the pageantry.
I said one thing! Oh, Daddy.
You need a big ol' beer.
I'm gonna go tell Mom.
- Uh I'm gonna go.
- See you around.
Ugh, don't look at me like that.
Shh-shh-shh.
He's coming.
- Hi.
-Hey, Gene.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- What's happening? Did you guys all fart on my pillow or something? What? No.
I did that one time.
Okay, Gene, here's the thing.
We got Courtney to invite you over today so we could make you this.
- I wrapped it.
No big deal.
- Hmm? We made you a tape of Percy McTinsel-Bud.
Yeah.
We sang all of your favorite Christmas songs in the world, and we did all the instruments.
Not with instruments but with our mouths.
- Uh-huh - And we didn't know all the words, but you can barely tell.
Unless you know all the words.
Which you do.
But we couldn't call you and ask you what they were 'cause, surprise.
(chuckles) Why don't you play it? Right.
Uh okay.
- Percy McTinsel-Bud's - No! I mean, uh, I love it.
You just shut off the tape player and yelled "No.
" - Yup.
Mm-hmm.
- It was all Tina's idea.
- What? - I'm sorry.
You guys worked so hard.
Aah! First I destroy the last piece of precious musical history that should have been in whatever safe the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen have, and then I make you guys feel bad about trying to do something nice.
I just keep ruining Christmas! Oh, my Genie.
What a Chris-mess.
That gift wrapping, though, right? Aw, we were dumb to try to remake Gene's favorite Christmas album.
What are we, Moby? Should we go talk to him? Maybe we should just give him some space.
Wait.
Are we sure our tape isn't incredible? Don't answer that.
Oh, Percy McTinsel-Bud.
You were the best thing about Christmas, and now you're gone forever.
Hey, Gene.
- Want some tinsel? - Uh, sure.
- So shiny.
- Yeah.
It just makes me want to Tinsel all through the night! God, you're amazing.
I'm-I'm so sorry, Percy.
I don't want you to be so sad about breaking the record, Gene.
Well, I am.
I'm sadder than the teacup kitten who fell out of the teacup and couldn't get back in.
What about the tape your family made? I couldn't listen to it.
Them trying to redo that record is like trying to paint the Sistine Chapel with a bunch of gravy.
How would it even stay up there? It would just drip on everybody.
I see what you mean about that gravy, but I actually think it's pretty great that they made that tape for you.
Lots of songs are covers.
Covers are cool.
- They are? - Songs and blankets.
Gene, for you, your family's version might not be your favorite version, but maybe someday you'll give the tape to your kids.
And it'll be their favorite version, 'cause it'll be the only one they know.
And they can roll over on it and break it, and then make their own tape.
The point is, the music keeps going.
You dig? - Huh.
- Okay, I'm gonna head out.
And don't worry about me.
Back where I come from, we're still keeping it funky and skunky.
- Heaven? - No.
The '70s! Bye, Percy.
I love you.
- (glass clinking) - We have gathered here today for neighborhood Secret Santa, baby.
I just want to apologize in advance for mine.
Bob, shush.
Let's open our gifts! Oh, who am I kidding? I just have to accept that I'm not good at gift wrapping.
You don't have to wrap my present at all.
Just make sure it's really big.
Tina, if it makes you feel any better, I think "good" gift wrapping always seems so cold and impersonal.
I'd much rather get a present wrapped like that.
It seems more thoughtful and interesting.
Hey, thanks, Mike.
And you should know.
You've seen a lot of packages.
Because, you know, you're a mailman.
Yeah.
I am a mailman.
But that envelope probably seems pretty thoughtful, too, right? - Yeah.
- Sorry, it's a gift card.
- From the heart? - Hey, this is great.
The Home Furnishings Superstore.
I love home furnishings.
And a superstore? (whistles) - Oh.
Good.
- Aw, Mike, thanks for the stamps! - How'd you know they were from me? - Just a lucky guess.
Wait, Bob, what present did you get? Uh, it's a note.
"I got the car washed.
" - Oh.
Is this from Linda? - Yeah, it is.
- Thanks.
This is perfect.
- TEDDY: Perfect.
Yeah.
Great.
- Teddy, open yours.
- Fine.
Oh It's a A little plaque that says "Teddy.
" For your, uh, stool.
I figured since you have a favorite stool here, maybe Bob and Linda could put your name on it.
- Aw.
- Oh, uh, I-I don't think we Wow.
Mort, this is, like, the best gift anyone's ever gotten me.
Now I feel bad about the calendar I got you.
Pictures of old barns? I'm a total barn nut.
Barns, bridges, I think they got some fences in there, too.
Bob! A plaque for my stool.
- Should we put it right here? - Uh, yeah, maybe.
Or, oh, uh, under the seat might be a good spot.
Like a fun, hidden thing? I love that, that's great.
I love Secret Santa! I'm gonna go get my tools in the truck.
- (bell jingles) - Oh, excuse me, elf.
Aw, Genie, you came out of your room.
And you're in your deejaying outfit.
Mother, Father, sisters, I listened to the tape you made me.
All of it.
And it's really great.
You don't have to say that.
Yeah.
Music's a lot harder to do when you're not good at it.
We know that now.
No! You did the right thing.
The music isn't gone.
This is Percy McTinsel-Bud now.
It just needed a little, uh, touching up.
And some major remixing.
BELCHERS: Percy McTinsel-Bud's Tinsel Machine (Gene vocalizing) Percy (overlapping vocals) - Wow.
- Whoa.
- Nice.
- All right! My Christmas DJ is back! Yeah, he is, baby.
So how about Christmas music all day in the restaurant? BOB: Oh.
Good.
You know, I kinda like the way it looks.
I miss the reindeer, though.
Dad, let's go get the reindeer.
Yeah! Santa can have as many reindeers as he friggin' wants! (Gene vocalizing) Percy McTinsel-Bud's Tinsel Machine The greatest guy around It makes us tinsel if you know what I mean Percy McTinsel-Bud He hangs it everywhere, he lets it all hang out He's coming to your town To make your Christmas shine beyond a doubt, yeah - He's got that tinsel - Yeah At Christmastime You know he's gonna a-make it shine Yeah, to make your Christmas shine beyond a doubt, yeah PERCY: Yeah, my tinsel.