King of the Hill s12e10 Episode Script

We got the lead, Uncle Hank.
We got the lead! Oh, no.
Bobby's on deck.
Bobby honey, you forgot your bat! Bobby! Practice swings! Stand up and swing the bat! Well, we could get lucky, Hank.
It's gonna pour any minute now.
Okay, it's the bottom of the fifth, so it's an official game.
If it starts to rain before Bobby's at bat, they'll end the game and Bobby'll get a "W" without embarrassing himself.
Dang ol' batter up, man.
Dang it, Bobby, you're right-handed! Talkin' 'bout that's the dang ol' game.
Yes! That's it! Why'd I have to miss my at-bat? I had it all planned out: After the third strike, I was gonna walk like an Egyptian back to the dugout.
Yep, I'm real sorry I missed that.
What in the heck? Oh, my God, we've been robbed! My treasures! Oh, Ladybird, thank God you're okay.
Oh, no, Hank, they took the vase that your mom made for us.
Oh, no, it's still here.
Oh, but it's broken.
Sure.
When Hank calls the police they come right over, but when I do, they say it's not their job to keep me company.
I feel violated.
I had over $200 of surveillance equipment hidden in that house.
I hope it didn't get stolen.
Those burglars must've been so disappointed when they got inside.
I'm just glad they didn't rob us.
I'm just saying what everyone's thinking.
Well, there's no sign of forced entry, and from what you're telling us, nothing is missing and something was found.
Yep.
I'd been looking for that remote for days.
Most people think that it's the person you'd least expect.
But we usually find it's the person you'd most expect.
Well, I don't know anyone who would want to do something like this.
Really? Because the perpetrator usually tends to be the shadiest-looking guy in the room.
In this room.
Now.
So, Officer, are you gonna find the perpetrator? I'm sorry, son.
This isn't the movies.
Where am I supposed to hide my valuables? See, this is why we need a spinning bookcase.
Peggy, I know this was upsetting but I think Ladybird's all the security we need.
Hank, Ladybird let the guy ransack the place.
If I were her, I would've given him one warning bark and then bit him right in the windpipe.
What the heck are you guys doing here? We're too scared to sleep at our house, Uncle Hank.
I just want to live in a world where Santa can get in your house but thieves cannot.
The cat burglar inside me can appreciate a job well done, but the 'fraidy cat inside me says run like hell.
See, I got two cats inside me.
Okay, fine.
You can both sleep in the den.
Sleep.
Hank! Someone's in the house.
Wait I'm coming, too.
A butcher's knife? All right.
Uncle Hank, I'm scared! I got the gun safe! Ladybird's got him! Ladybird! Ladybird? There better be a criminal in that cushion.
Wow, she hates that couch.
I can't believe it was Ladybird who messed up the house all along.
I guess after ten years of not being allowed on the couch, she finally snapped.
I don't understand what would make Ladybird do something like this.
Poor thing.
I need to spend more time with her.
Maybe I've been so caught up with work, I've forgotten what really matters.
Hank, all I know is, if you had come in to find me chewing up the couch, you would not be nearly so forgiving.
You sniff that poop, Ladybird.
Sniff to your heart's content.
Gotta take care of some business, huh? Well, knock yourself out.
It's okay, Ladybird.
Just a little thunder.
Ow! Ladybird! Yeah, my dog's never done anything like this before.
Maybe it's got something to do with all the thunderstorms.
Maybe.
Dogs are very unpredictable.
You never know what they're going to do.
Now, what's the name of your dog? Ladybird.
Ladybird Hill.
Why does that matter? Oh, I'm required bylaw to report Ladybird to the authorities.
They'll be putting her on the "vicious dog" list.
The vicious dog list?! But, that's a it's a list of vicious dogs.
It's just a formality.
Unless Ladybird were to bite anyone else.
Then the state can take her away.
Take her away?! Oh, I'm sorry about the euphemism.
I'm not a veterinarian.
I'm used to talking about people.
Of course, I mean kill her.
Kill her?! Hmm, I don't know how to be any clearer than that, Mr.
Hill.
And then he put Ladybird on the vicious dog list.
Ladybird! Hank, I too am on more lists than I'd care to be.
Lists at the CIA, the FBI, L.
L.
Bean Ladybird's such a nice dog, too.
She's always licking my face even when all the crumbs are gone.
She's a great dog.
And does she look vicious to you? Huh? Huh? This is ridiculous! There is no got dang way I'm lettin' her stay on that list.
You know, if Ladybird does bite again, you could just blame Peggy! They'd haul her away! Then we'd all be rid of her.
Well, I wish I could help you, Hank.
But, uh, once a dog gets put on the vicious dog list, well, it's dang near impossible to get 'em off.
But Ladybird shouldn't be on that list.
You know her.
You know she's not vicious.
But she's old now; her faculties are failing.
You don't know what's gonna set her off! It could be thunder or other loud noises, and there's no telling what she could do.
Now, although you can't reverse the aging process, you can try to change a dog's behavior.
You've heard of the Dog Whisperer, right? Yes.
Well, here's the number of a guy people call when they can't get on his show.
Are you telling me to go to a dog spiritualist? Look, Hank, I don't claim to know what mysteries the universe holds.
But this guy does.
You know? I think he maybe your last hope.
Oh, God.
Sorry I'm late.
I'm just very important.
So, you are Ladybird's human.
You are like that Dog Whisperer on the TV.
The Dog Whisperer? Please.
That talent-less show-off.
Okay, well, Ladybird here's got a problem with thunder and loud noises.
If we don't fix it, animal control is gonna take her away.
Otherwise, I would never agree to talk to a person such as yourself.
I see.
So, during these thunderstorms, does she bark like Or more like a I'm gonna stand up and leave now.
Mr.
Hill, do you want to save your dog or not? Okay.
We'll do whatever it takes.
Good.
Now, Ladybird, I need to visit you in your natural environment.
And this is why Now, walk your dog.
No, no, no, no, no! You must be the leader! Some hacks refer to this as being the "alpha dog.
" I call it being the "packleader dog.
" Much fresher.
Much fresher.
Posture.
Posture! Walk as though you have an invisible top hat.
You want me to what now?! Top hat! Now, I've never seen Hank pretend before.
I don't like it.
Hey, Hank, if you're gonna wear an invisible top hat, I'd carry an invisible bat for protection.
Would you guys shut up? I'm trying to save my dog.
Who's a good boy listening to his trainer like that? Is it you, Hank? Yes, you are.
Yes, you are.
She does not have respect for you.
Try carrying an invisible walking stick.
You know, all Hank needs is an invisible monocle and he'd look like Mr.
Peanut.
I've got nothing against good posture, but what's that got to do with making Ladybird better? I feel so stupid.
Oh, Hank, so, you love Ladybird, and you're willing to do anything to keep her.
Does that make you stupid? No.
Yes, it does, but it's okay.
Love makes people stupid.
And I cannot help but be moved by how stupid you are being right now.
Okay, Hank.
Tell Ladybird to sit.
Ladybird, sit.
Oh, sorry.
I have bacon in my pocket.
Try again.
Ladybird, sit.
This isn't working! I have blamed the owner, humiliated the owner I must free-brain this conundrum.
She's searching.
She's on a path of self-discovery.
Ah, of course, I see! Ladybird is a pack animal in search of her pack.
We must take her to her own kind.
Are you sure she's not just looking at some throw-up? To the pack! This is the pack?! They're a bunch of old people.
I will explain to you as I explain to everybody.
Hello! This is Ladybird.
I believe you will benefit from each other's company.
You beautiful creatures have so much in common.
She is old.
You are old.
She'll die soon.
You'll die soon.
It's perfect, really.
Oh, what a nice doggie.
See? I hope this is gonna be okay.
I don't feel right about this.
Look how happy she looks.
So, what are you in for? Well, I'm old.
I only have a few months to live.
That's great! I'm having a baby in a few months.
And Lucky and I have been talking a lot about reincarnation.
Maybe when you die, you could come back as my baby! Okay.
Dad, if Ladybird likes hard candy and Wild Turkey, I've got the room for her.
Come on, sweetie.
Let's go for a walk around the building.
Wow, maybe this nutjob actually knows what he's doing.
Yeah, maybe this nutjob actually knows what he's doing.
Is this such a good idea? What if Ladybird bites somebody? Old people are always dying over the stupidest little things.
Mm, that's why we want to keep this initial visit brief.
If we overwhelm the dog, she might snap like she's never snapped before.
Huh.
Uh, you know, that might have been something to mention before we came in here.
Ah, boy, are my knees achy.
Not as bad as my joints.
Must be rain coming.
Rain? Feels like it'll be a doozy, too.
It's a hard rain gonna fall.
Remember Bob Dylan? Jewish fella.
and the lion and the chimp are still best friends.
Now here's Kirk with the weather.
Hey, Kirk, am I taking an umbrella to the big game? It's a domed stadium, does it really matter? Oh, come on.
Ah, but seriously.
If you have to go outside, Don't.
'Cause there's gonna be some major thunderstorm activity here, here, here and here.
No! Heck, if you can see this, you might as well stay inside, 'cause folks, it's gonna be a big one.
Oh, God! Was it thunderstorms or gunfire that sent Ladybird into such a frenzy? Thunderstorms.
W-Where's my dog? Where's Ladybird?! Is that what used to be on the end of this? Peggy, we've got a real problem! It's thundering outside and Ladybird's on the loose! Oh, my goodness.
Okay.
Everybody, be calm.
We are calm.
Well, you shouldn't be.
There's a vicious dog on the loose! Peggy! I'm sorry, it just slipped out.
Now, when you're born, and the doctor slaps you, I want you to cry like this: And that way, I know it's you.
Okay.
Mom, Dad, what's going on? Come on, we need to find Ladybird.
It's okay, everyone.
I called animal control.
Help is on the way.
No! They'll kill her! Ep, ep! You stay right here.
The alpha I mean, packleader doesn't seek out his followers.
His followers come to him.
I'm done listening to you and your psychobabble crap.
Now get out of my way or my packleader foot is gonna kick your ass.
Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ladybird! Here, Ladybird! Come on, girl.
Dang it, we've got to hurry! Well, who do we have here? Aren't you the cutest thing? Mom, Dad, there's no time! Don't look back! Just go! Wanna play with my teeth? I changed my mind! Come back! At first, he was a , but when I was through working with him, he was a You know, you remind me of a German Shepard I used to have.
Would you mind if I petted you? Uh go ahead.
Ladybird! Ladybird! I saw the dog! She went in there! Ladybird! Stop! Ladybird! Good girl.
Move! Move! Move! I've got a clear shot at her! You sure? Because I'm pretty good with this thing.
No! Stop! Does this look like a vicious dog to you? I don't know.
Maybe? Aren't you sweet? No, this dog wouldn't harm anyone.
Look at her.
I'm still pretty amped up.
You wanna go somewhere and talk about this? Come on, Ladybird.
Let's go.
Come on, girl.
Oh, dang it, Ladybird, don't make me walk with a top hat.
Oh, my God.
You're deaf.
I thought she might be faking.
Now, I need to ask you a favor.
Could you please have my eyes? Lucky's don't always line up exactly right.
Everybody, I have great news.
Loud noises will never upset Ladybird again.
She's gone deaf.
See, Hank? I told you I could save that dog.
How in the heck are you gonna take credit for my dog going deaf? Eh, probably with an exclusive in Dog Fancy magazine.
Come on.
Let's go home.
Wait.
Where's Bobby? Your daughter does sound nice, Doris, but 57 might be a little old for me.
You know, it's kind of sad.
Ladybird used to love watching football with me.
Now she can't even hear the announcers.
Well, we could put on the closed captioning for her.
She's a dog, Bill.
She can't read.
Hey, change the channel.
She hates this commercial.
And that brings up fourth and long.
The punting unit's coming out Maybe this nut job actually knows what he's doing.