QI (2003) s12e11 Episode Script

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Go-o-ood evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening and welcome to QI, where tonight lice, love handles and lingerie are all lumped together.
Let's meet the lacy Jimmy Carr.
Thank you very much.
The lusty Ronni Ancona.
APPLAUSE The leggy David Mitchell.
APPLAUSE And the lamentable Alan Davies.
APPLAUSE Now, before we even begin with the first question, one of your buzzers has been investigated by the FBI.
Let's listen to all of them and see if you can get some early points by guessing which one.
Jimmy goes Lola, la-la-la-la, Lola Ronni goes # Lay, lady, lay Lay across my big brass bed David goes # Louie Louie, oh, no Gotta go Yi-yi-yi-yi-yi And Alan goes Little Willy really won't go home So, we've got Little Willy really won't go home.
Your song, do you recognise it? I did I think I've heard those noises before, - but I couldn't put words to them.
- You seem to know it? - Louie Louie.
- Louie Louie.
- Which I think was investigated by the FBI.
- Aha.
- Because I think they thought it was a drug reference.
- They couldn't figure out what the song was about.
- Worse than Well, is it worse than drugs? No, it isn't, it's better than, well - Sex.
- Oh, it's a moral conundrum.
Is sex better or worse than drugs, when it comes to the FBI? - Well, it can It can be better and worse.
- Yeah, you're right.
- Stephen, why can't we do both? - Yeah.
One might assist the other.
- What's sex again? Sorry.
- Aw So this is the FBI investigated the song? - Yeah, they investigated Louie Louie.
You.
- Right.
Yes, your song, because they thought it had very lewd references.
We can see what the lyrics actually were.
- Filth.
- Yes.
Well, that's what the lyric was.
- Filth! Ban this filth! What they thought was being sung was - And - That's hysterical.
- My God! - The weird thing is - They wrote a song about my pre-show ritual, Ronni.
The weird thing is, if you listen to it, you can see why they thought that.
THE SONG PLAYS LAUGHTER It does sound like that, doesn't it? So they investigated it, played it slowly, and they explained exactly what the lyrics were.
It's one of those effects, where if you look at the right lyrics and hear it back again, - it does seem, "Oh, yes, I see what the words are.
" - Says more about them than it does about the artist.
Exactly.
You're so right.
Well, that's early points then, for Jimmy Carr, who got that - - that the FBI investigated Louie Louie.
- Yeah! Go, early points! APPLAUSE Points early doors.
Right, let's begin.
What did the man who invented the lava lamp do for leisure? - There he is.
- That's John Malkovich.
It does look a bit like John Malkovich.
In a Hawaiian shirt.
Was he into women? Was he a lover man? - Well, he was like most men.
- I can't believe I did that.
- You know you said that out loud? - I know, I know, I know.
- You said, "Was he a lover man?" out loud, just now.
- I know.
- They all heard.
- Sorry.
Yeah, well, actually, I'm going to make a lava lamp - Have you got one? - .
.
for your edification, pleasure and entertainment.
I have here a little tube.
This is actually a tube that usually contains tennis balls, and this is a mixture of vegetable oil and water.
And I have here a little syringe.
Quite hard to mix, by the way, those two things.
Yeah, they are, because They separate and Don't they, David? - Yes - Hello.
So you pump the colour in.
And I'm going to use Alka-Seltzer or any effervescent hangover cure pill will do.
- And I - Are you going to say, "Don't try this at home?" Well, you can, actually.
Honestly, it's not like Mentos, it's not going to explode.
And cue light.
There we go.
Pop it on.
- And then, as the - Oh, it's a beautiful thing.
.
.
effervescent works, it begins Yeah, there we are, beginning to get the effect.
There we are, the colour's now beginning to come into it.
And you're getting a sort of lava lamp there.
Obviously, professionally, they're made more permanent.
A lava lamp, ladies and gentlemen.
APPLAUSE But you've all got the equipment, as it were, - so you can make one yourselves.
- Oh, so exciting! - Aren't you lucky? - Yeah.
- It's so exciting.
- Already we've begun with the thrilling excitement.
- Awesome.
Let's try and get it done quick.
- Do you have to pay something to the format holders of the Generation Game? - Yeah.
- It is a bit Generation Game, you're right.
- Yeah.
- OK, let's just - What do we do with that? - We inject colour in, I think.
- Inject colour.
You've all got different colours to make it thrilling.
- So Don't put too much of the effervescent hangover cure - JIMMY: Oh, I put all of it in.
- Did you? Oh, no.
Did you? - It's a slightly manic lava lamp.
- Don't put too many pills in.
And now just put a little of the No, put loads in, it's brilliant.
- Yeah, just put a little in, yeah.
- Look at that! - Look at your bullshit lava lamp.
- Mine has dried.
Ours is so brilliant.
Look at that! - Your lava lamp is - Hey! - Give Get Stephen another one of the - RONNI: It's happening.
- It's all happening in our corner.
- I can feed it.
- Won't it explode now? - Hopefully.
I can No! No, you don't.
No! You're no fun.
Stick another one in, ours has gone mental.
I'm a responsible adult, there has to be one on this programme.
RONNI: Look at all these little balls.
- DAVID: I'm nervous of having them - Stop saying that! - I've got rather - This genuinely reminds me so much of school, when you said, "Don't put all the Alka-Seltzer in," and then Alan said, "We're putting it all in," as a result.
And I've gone along with him and now I'm frightened.
You're the one in trouble.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Is it going to blow?! - Sir? Sir?! - Sir?! Sir?! All right! - Sir?! Sir?! - All right! - All right.
- Sir! All right.
David Mitchell, you made me laugh.
You made me laugh, David.
- I've told you before - You're in trouble! It's not funny.
There's nothing funny about making people laugh.
LAUGHTER Dear, oh, dear.
I've got oily hands.
Mitchell's taken the lid off, sir! Mitchell's taken the lid off, it's not sealed.
This is most unfortunate.
Are you? Have you just? Why haven't you got any little balls in yours? I beg your pardon? This is not how it was supposed to happen at all.
LAUGHTER JIMMY: I love how broad Stephen's remit is.
That's industrial APPLAUSE We all know why Alan has industrial strength tissues.
LAUGHTER RONNI: You're not supposed to do that, Jimmy.
Right, everybody put their trays away.
DAVID: You've put gunk all on the eye.
Yeah.
Rebel! So, well done with your lava lamps, he said, between gritted teeth.
The inventor was Edward Craven Walker, who was born in 1918 and died in the year 2000.
I asked you at the very beginning what his other leisure pursuits were.
Let me read you what he said about the lava lamp.
He said, "It starts from nothing, grows possibly a little feminine, "then a little bit masculine, then breaks up and has children.
"It's a sexy thing.
" He was having a lava, wasn't he? Sorry, I can't believe I did that again.
- Don't look at me like that.
- Don't punish yourself, it's fine.
Not angry, I'm just disappointed.
LAUGHTER He thought it was like he'd made an organism.
- A sort of lovely, sexy thing.
- Yeah.
And he was that kind of a man, I'm afraid.
Was he a swinger? Was he one of the swingers? - He was pretty much a swinger.
- Oh, was he? He directed nudist films.
- Nudist films? - Yeah.
He was a nudist, was he? His were "nat-urist" films, yes, or naturist, depending on how The fact that that was his hobby, did he not turn a profit on the porn? It wasn't porn He had to subsidise his porn-making habit with his lava lamp business.
LAUGHTER He got the first naturist film that was on public release.
- That's the point.
- That's not how you do it! LAUGHTER It's not porn.
It's about people being naked.
And this was a ballet underwater.
- Vulcans do it like that.
- Do they? - Yes.
- Do they? Is that one of his? Is that a still from one of his? No, actually, we've made that up, apparently.
- Are those members of the production team? - Yes.
LAUGHTER I don't think they're being paid enough to have to do that.
A couple of our elvesrelaxing.
When you say the QI elves, that's not the image that springs into my mind.
You think of sun-starved, specky creatures who are researching.
I don't want to be unkind, but, yes, I do.
Not a male and a female trying to do some sort of scissor sisters action.
So, good, excellent.
Now, on to lingerie.
Whom did your great-great- great-great-grandmother throw her pants at? Lay, lady, lay Cliff Richard.
LAUGHTER NORTHERN ACCENT: Eh, that's good, is that.
- Great, great How many greats? - Four greats and a grandmother.
Great-great-great- great-grandmother.
- That'sVictorian.
- Yep, early Victorian era.
So, didn't they get? Their celebrities at the time were people who were doing useful things, - like Isambard Kingdom Brunel, or someone? - No.
RP ACCENT: No-one does suspension like him.
I love his cantilevers.
I love the fact that your great-great-great-great-grandmother - was always old.
- Yeah, I don't know why I did that.
Even when she was throwing her knickers at people, she was an old lady.
I don't know why I did that.
It was a celebrity of the time? He was a celebrity.
And the most famous pant-throwing receptor was Tom Jones, or is Tom Jones, of course - still very much alive and booming.
What do you mean, "Still very much alive?" Have you not seen The Voice? LAUGHTER I don't get this phenomenon of throwing your pants at someone, because at what point Do you go out with extra pants? Do you literally go, "I've got the car keys, travel card, "pants on, pants to throw?" The gesture is meaningless unless they're the pants you were wearing for functional reasons.
If you've just brought a bag of other pants, - then it might as well be a term of abuse.
- Yeah.
But what if it's David Cassidy? What if you've got flares on, David, and you're watching a David Cassidy thing, do you take them off down one leg or do you take them all off? We still haven't clearly approached - DAVID: Garibaldi.
- Not Garibaldi.
You're in the right area with music.
- He was popular, Garibaldi.
- Yes, but he wasn't a musician! - Oh, music.
Oh, right.
- Oh, is it a composer? - Bourbon.
Custard cream.
- A composer, but a performer, - the most extraordinary performer of his day.
- Liszt! Franz Liszt is the right answer.
Absolutely.
Well done.
- APPLAUSE - Phew.
We got there.
It looks more as if he'd been attacked by a swarm of bees, but that is supposed to indicate ladies and their husbands trying to restrain them.
These women - some of them fainting, throwing kisses - you can see, they're absolutely rapturous.
And they were completely astounded by this man, his virtuosity.
Was he as good as Liberace? I knew that would upset him.
Look at him - he's livid.
He was an astounding composer as well as a remarkable pianist.
And, of course, he was exploiting the new developments in pianos and the arrival of the pianoforte as opposed to the fortepiano, which preceded it.
And he was remarkable for many other reasons, as well.
He had affairs with a lot of people, including Lola Montez.
Do you know of Lola Montez? An extraordinary Irish woman who'd had an affair with Ludwig of Bavaria and caused a revolution in Bavaria, in fact.
There she is.
And then, amazingly, Liszt became an abbe - an abbot, essentially.
A man of the cloth.
"He is very thin and tall," Charles Halle said.
"He has perfectly lank hair so long "that it spreads over his shoulders, which looks very odd.
"When he gets excited and gesticulates, "it falls right over his face and one sees nothing of his nose.
" So, he was like an old English sheepdog, perhaps, in that sense.
He had Olga Janina, who was a former pupil with whom he'd had a fling, who pursued him all over Europe and eventually got so upset and hysterical that she stalked him and tried to stab him and committed suicide.
So, he really, you know, was a star.
I mean, a real, real star in the most extraordinary way.
It's a very odd thing, that.
The guy that killed John Lennon was such a huge fan of John Lennon.
It's a very weird thing when people get so "For each man kills the thing he loves.
" Let this be known.
The brave man does it with the sword, the coward, etc.
- How many fans have you got, Jimmy? - Not enough to be worried.
LAUGHTER It's a lovely level of fame, a comedian, I think.
People come up and tell you jokes all day, which is very pleasant, but no-one's ever outside your house going, "I made you a cake.
" Well, there's always the Daily Mail, Jimmy - they're always outside.
They're happy.
So, yeah, the ladies went loopy for Liszt, the Justin Bieber of his day.
That's hardly right, come on, but you know what I mean.
All right, Harry Styles.
Stop it.
He was a genius.
Total genius.
Who has the world's largest love handles and what do they use them for? Eric Pickles.
- ALARM BLARES - Oh, dear! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE You're joking! You are joking! You see.
Lola Oh, I'd forgotten about that.
Blue whale? Not the blue whale.
Sorry, so it's not the blue whale, but I'm close? - You are.
- A barnacle.
Stay with setaceous creatures.
Stay with a mammal.
- So, it's a type of whale? - A mammal that lives in the sea.
It's a whale.
And it begins with a B.
Blue whale.
Have another look, Stephen, because I'm pretty sure I got it right.
There are other kinds of whale that begin with a B.
Bum whale, bull whale - Well, there's the bowhead.
- RONNI: Bull whale.
Big whale.
What's the famous and expensive kind of caviar? - Beluga.
- RONNI: Oh, beluga whale! Beluga whale, yes.
There one is.
Look at it, that one's going, "Hello!" It's lying on its side.
"Hello! "Hello! "I'm a beluga whale, you know.
"Ayoo! "This is all I can do!" He's very chirpy.
They have no dorsal fin and amazingly "I haven't got a dorsal fin, you know!" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE "Whoo-hoo-hoo-hooo! "I don't feel the cold! I don't feel it.
" They don't, because of their blubber.
It's all in the blubber.
They have midriff blubber, which they can control "Feel my love handles, baby! Hello!" They control their love handles with special muscles, so that's how they move around and that's how theyyou know.
- That's how I roll.
- That's how they roll! Exactly.
Exactly right.
They move up and down with their love handles.
And they're hunted by the local Inupiat people in the Arctic.
"I hate them!" You've got a career in animation ahead of you.
It's like Richard Attenborough's programmes being revoiced by South Park.
LAUGHTER There is no show that wouldn't be improved by being revoiced by South Park.
It's true.
And their fat is called muktuk.
and is highly prized by the Inuits, and the Inupiat, because it's high in vitamin C, surprisingly.
Oh, look at that.
Double chips with that.
Mmm.
There's one in Baltimore.
Yeah, the beluga whale.
Full of love handles.
I've just spotted that guy pointing at it in the front there.
Look at that.
In case you haven't spotted it.
Look, there's a whale.
The other guy's pointing, as well.
"Where? There!" "I've spotted him.
There he is.
" "Where is it? There!" "What do you mean you can't see? He's there!" "Oh, there? Oh!" He's there.
And the other guy there, he's there.
"I'm sorry, I don't recognise anything that's not wearing a hat.
" Anyway, the beluga whales steady themselves with the world's largest love handles.
"All that we caught, we left behind, "and carry away all that we did not catch.
" What am I talking about? Venereal disease.
LAUGHTER Somewhere along the line, I'm sure.
What I'd already caught, I left behind, by giving it to other people.
- Yeah.
- By breathing it out? Well, it is a riddle.
It was a riddle given to a man of mythic status, so much so, we don't even know if he existed, and yet his name is incredibly famous and there are statues of him, even though we don't know that he existed.
- King Arthur? - No, older than that.
An oracle.
The most famous of the oracles in the Western Canon of Delphi told him that he would die on the island of Ios and that he should beware the riddles of young children.
And this man went round the Greek islands as a minstrel, because that's what he did - he sang poems to a lyre.
So, they were lyric, but they're known as epic, in fact.
And the great epic poems of Greek civilisation, the two are? - Homer.
- Homer.
- Homer.
And it's Homer we're thinking of.
Homer, supposedly, in this story, went to Ios where he encountered a group of fisher boys.
He went to Ios? But the guy just said don't go! I know, but this always happens in Greek myths when to do with the Delphi.
I mean, think of Oedipus and RONNI: They don't listen.
Well, sometimes the Oracle is quite enigmatic and difficult.
- Yes.
- But if he said, "Don't go to Ios" - That's really straightforward.
- .
.
and he goes, you know Anyway, Homer went to Ios and he encountered a group of fisher boys.
He asked them what they'd caught and they gave him this riddle.
And I'll repeat it again.
"All that we caught, we left behind, "and carry away all that we did not catch.
" And he suddenly remembered, Homer, "Oh, my God, I shouldn't have asked riddles AND I'm on Ios.
" And maybe that's the thing about being cursed or having a prophecy, that you stop concentrating.
He slipped, cracked his head, died.
Should've gone to Argos.
LAUGHTER - Absolutely right.
- You can get everything there.
Argos was Jason's ship, of course, wasn't it? Hence the Argonauts.
- Yes.
Yes.
- Yes.
LAUGHTER In fact, Argos, the chain, call their staff Argonauts to this day.
- Oh, do they? - No.
LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Oh, ladies and gentlemen.
Oh, wow! But the solution is lice.
Lice, you see.
- You catch the lice in your hair, you leave them behind.
- Yes? And you carry away those you don't catch, - because they're stuck in your hair.
- The nits? - Yeah, the nits.
Exactly.
- Those are the worst fisherman ever.
So, there you are.
Now for the riddle of the sphincter that we call general ignorance.
Fingers on mushroomoids, please.
How many Spartans died at the Battle of Thermopylae? Lola It's going to be 300.
ALARM BLARES Well I saw a documentary about this and I'm pretty sure it's definitely 300.
The film is called 300.
Is there not a thing that one because there weren't just Spartans there.
- Sparta! - There were That is how it's pronounced.
There weren't just "Spartans" there.
There were other But I think one of the Spartans The Spartans sound nasty.
There was a narrow coastal pass that was defended just by Spartans, - played by Gerard Butler - who was - Spartan! - .
.
called? - The three hundred and first? His name was? He was the three hundred and first.
- Leoni - AUDIENCE MEMBER CALLS OUT - Leonidas, if you prefer.
- Leonidas? He's now got a chain of chocolate shops, hasn't he? I was brought up to call him Leon-idas, but Leonidas seems to be the way now.
I don't know, who knows? But Leon-idas or Leonidas, thank you.
He defended a narrow coastal pass, and so there were 301.
Only 299 Spartans died, though, so it leaves two who didn't.
Leonidas did.
Two survived because they never took part.
Mike and Bernie Winters.
A lot of nudity going on, which was a very Spartan thing.
The couple by the tree seem very fond of each other - one's grasping the nipple of the other.
LAUGHTER Oh, yeah.
Their swords casually laid against the To go to so much effort and not put your pants on.
- I know.
- LAUGHTER Isn't there something about one of the ones, that they were ashamed, the two that didn't die? They were desperately ashamed.
One called, rather wonderfully, "Pantitties" LAUGHTER - It's a bit like the - Do you mean Pantites? There was an MP who was introduced to Churchill, his name was Bosom, and Churchill said, "Neither one thing nor the other.
" But anyway, "Pantitties", or "Pant-titties" or whatever he was, Pantites, went off to deliver a diplomatic message, apparently, at the embassy, but he hanged himself from shame when he got back and saw that he was the only survivor.
But he wasn't the only survivor.
Eurytus couldn't fight because of an eye infection.
The Spartans have taken all the credit for winning the battle of Thermopylae, but it was a combined effort with the Athenians, who were their allies at the time.
Herodotus, known as the Father of History, and was born four years after the battle, is the closest contemporary source.
He estimated the Greeks numbered about 5,000.
He was born four years after it had happened and he's the best we can do? He's the closest.
I'm afraid so.
No-one else wrote - That's better than a lot of ancient history.
- It is.
- The Father of History, what's he called? - Herodotus.
Herodotus.
It must have been a lot easier when he was around.
- I'm not having a go at him.
- No, it's a fair point.
But less things had happened back then.
- Fewer things - Yes.
- .
.
I think you mean.
LAUGHTER Some of the audience had you there.
Common usage, play the common usage card.
It's so like being back at school, it's unbelievable.
Apparently, you can say less if you want to now.
Apparently, you can.
You can just say what you like, these days.
Apparently, that's the new thing.
Apparently, you're not allowed to scream "Idiot!" at people.
LAUGHTER What is the point in getting an education at all?! I know how to use the apostrophe.
Apparently, now it doesn't matter! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE What I want, I want the time it took me to learn that back! You need to be less bothered about this, or fewer bothered.
LAUGHTER You need to be fewer bothered about this kind of thing.
Just let it go.
Be fewer upset.
Now, what type of birds did the Birdman keep in his cell in Alcatraz? Is it, is it a canary? - ALARM BLARES - A canary? Or canaries.
I can't believe I got a buzzer again.
I might be close, because last time I said 300, it was 299.
Yeah, you were one off.
Did he keep them in the cell or did they come to the window? I can't remember the film.
Burt Lancaster, wasn't it? - AUDIENCE MEMBER CALLS OUT: - It wasn't allowed! It wasn't allowed is the right Well done, audience.
Very good.
APPLAUSE You weren't allowed birds in your cell, were you? He was in his previous prison, which is why he was called the Birdman.
He ended up in Alcatraz, which is why, I suppose, he was called the Birdman of Alcatraz.
He was an amazing expert on canaries, so that was his bird of choice.
- And sparrows.
- But I said that.
I know.
But he didn't keep them in Alcatraz.
Canaries, I said canaries.
- What do you want from me? - Do you know his name? Robert Franklin Stroud.
He was moved to the Great Rock, as they call it, from which no-one escapes, according to Patrick McGoohan.
- "Welcome to the Rock.
" - Yes.
- I think Sean Connery got out, yeah.
"Welcome to the Rock.
" "WELCOME TO THE ROCK!" One more time, we'll go again.
"Welcome to the Rock.
" Thank you.
So kind.
We can have a look at Alcatraz, that's the inside.
- You can do a tour of it.
- I've done a tour of it.
- Have you? - RONNI: You've been? It's great, I liked it a lot.
But they used to put people in the cells All the cell doors, they can open them from one end, and they slide, - because they don't have doors that open.
- Yes.
That's right.
They used to put prisoners in themtourists, I mean, in them.
And then, one day, they couldn't get them out.
So they had some tourists in there for ten hours.
And lots of other tourists coming past.
LAUGHTER Who were all, suddenly, on much better behaviour.
LAUGHTER They didn't buy anything from the gift shop.
LAUGHTER You can see it very clearly from San Francisco.
It looks so near, and it was quite easy to escape from your jail and swim, but nobody survived the swim, even though it seems quite a short distance.
Because the currents are so strong, you get swept away.
And Alcatraz, of course, is a word of what origin, would you imagine? Mexico.
Well, Spanish, the language.
Yes, indeed.
And a lot of the Spanish words come from? Spain.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE I can't fault you.
I can't fault you.
It begins with Al.
So, like Alhambra and The Moors.
It's an Arabic word.
From Arabic.
Now, who was the first person to put stuff between two slices of bread and eat it? Lay, lady, lay Lord Sandwich.
ALARM BLARES Oh, what a shame.
What a pity.
You were doing so well.
I knew that.
The Earl of Sandwich certainly gave his NAME to what we call the sarnie or the sandwich or the butty, and all kinds of words for it, but Was it the Earl of Butty? LAUGHTER We know that mankind has been making bread for 30,000 years, and it seems inconceivable that no human being decided to put something between two of those.
So, we're just assuming it must have been ages ago.
Someone must have done it ages ago.
Well, yes, we do know for a fact that 1,200 years ago, there was a Hillel the Elder, a rabbi, in the first century BC - the first person known to have made and eaten a sandwich.
He started the Passover custom of putting a mixture of chopped nuts, apples, spices and wine between two flat breads.
That's a Peshwari naan.
LAUGHTER Oh, I love a Peshwari naan.
Oh, now you've said Peshwari Oh, I'd have one right now, wouldn't you? ALAN & JIMMY: O-o-oh! Just mopping up the end Ohh! Just out of the bag, when it comes.
Don't, it's so good.
With all the almonds and the coconut in it.
O-o-oh.
We've put in a good shift.
Shall we? I'm drooling, stop it.
I prefer a plain naan.
Oh, what's the matter with you?! LAUGHTER Have you got a badge for that? There's always one, isn't there? At every party.
Plain naan?! So, we'll have five Peshwari naans and one for him.
RONNI: And one plain.
So, anyway, John Montagu was the 4th Earl of Sandwich, certainly gave his name to it in our culture, as it were, in our - He's on Gogglebox now, the Earl of Sandwich.
- Is he? LAUGHTER Oh, why do I fall for these?! APPLAUSE I fall for everything.
The idea was that he just called for it because he was very busy.
Most people think gambling, because he was an inveterate gambler, though his biography says, actually, he was very busy with his ministerial work.
He was Postmaster General, he was First Lord of the Admiralty.
Before that, he was Never mind all that.
When he got together with Mr Branston - It was magic.
- NEW YORK ACCENT: It was moy-der.
When they got together, it was moy-der.
So anyway, that's the last of the questions.
Let's see who's victor ludorum.
Oh, my actual God.
I'm sorry to say in last place, with -29, is the girl of many faces and voices, Ronni Ancona.
Stop that.
Can't be! APPLAUSE -29! And in third place, with -11, is Jimmy Carr.
APPLAUSE Perfectly acceptable.
-11 is fine.
Fine.
In second place, with -7, it's David Mitchell.
APPLAUSE Can I be uttering these words? With a plus score three points, Alan Davies! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And that is all from Ronni, Jimmy, David, Alan and me.
And I leave you with the last words of Nancy, Lady Astor.
Waking up to find her bed surrounded by her entire family as she was dying, she said, "Am I dying? "Or is it my birthday?" Good night.
APPLAUSE