Bob's Burgers s12e12 Episode Script

1 Here you go, hon.
One Burger of the Day with fries from France.
That's what I call French fries sometimes.
- For fun, you know.
- Thanks.
So, Valentine's Day tomorrow, huh, guys? - Any big plans? - Oh.
- Uh - We have plans, kind of, sort of.
- We're gonna make dinner.
- Well, heat up leftovers.
Right.
Then we'll watch TV and say I love you, I assume.
- Aw.
- Huh.
Okay.
What? It's nice.
Yeesh, guys.
Do they make a Valentine's card that's also a condolence card? They do.
I've gotten that one.
- Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
- Uh-oh, she's choking.
- Oh, God.
- Where's the choking poster? Why can't they ever choke in front of the poster? - Give her the hymen.
- Gene, no.
It-It's Heimlich.
- No, it's not.
- Not choking, not choking.
Just savoring.
This burger's amazing.
From one chef to another mwah.
Thanks.
You're a chef? I mean, you did a chef's kiss, so probably, yes? Yeah, hi, my name is Rachel.
I have a little place on Kingshead Island.
It's called Tomato Shack.
Tomato Shack? Oh, yeah, I've heard of it.
- It's-it's kind of a big deal.
- Eh.
Thanks, but I want to talk about this amazing burger.
Oh, uh, sure, but how do we do this? Do I start, or do you? Oh, my God, am I messing this up? Sorry about my dad.
That's the first compliment he's ever gotten.
Uh, it's not, but I-I can't think of any others right now.
-I'm Linda.
His muse and his wife.
-His mife.
You guys are a couple? Mommin' and poppin'? Ha.
Yeah.
So, what brings you to the mainland? Do Kingshead Island people call this the mainland? - We do call it that.
- Yay, Dad.
I was just passing by on my way to the farmer's market.
Stocking up on ingredients for tomorrow night.
Right.
Valentine's Day must be big for your restaurant.
Well, we're usually closed on Mondays, but I decided to host a little private seating for friends and family, just for fun.
Actually, you know, if you guys are free Oh, they're free.
Sorry to answer for you guys, but your Valentine's plans are not plans.
Come on, let me cook for my new favorite power couple.
- Um - Power couple? Bob, she called us a power couple.
Power couple is also what we call Dad's boobs.
Gene.
I'm excited to be babysitting you guys tonight.
Also, I'm really enjoying your house's warm air and green bean smells.
- Nice, right? - Definitely.
- Look out, power couple's here.
- Damn, guys.
Yeah, usually at this range I can see nose hair.
Not tonight.
Lot of trimming.
Don't look in the sink.
And did you get your bodies straightened? This is how power couples stand.
Chest out.
Kind of hurts.
Yeah, a little bit.
Thanks for coming so last-minute, Jen.
We would've just had Tina babysit, but if the ferry to Kingshead Island sinks, we want a sort of adult in charge until the kids find new parents.
I don't think I could keep my eye on the ball tonight anyway.
I'm still riding my Valentine's Day high.
My shoe came off in gym class, and Jimmy Junior found it and gave it back to me.
Cinderella much? Didn't you say he tried to throw it away first 'cause he didn't know whose it was? Then he saw you hopping around in one shoe by the pull-up bar? Mm-hmm.
It was like a fairy tale.
Great, great.
Okay, off you go, you lovebirds.
We'll just be sitting here like good little children until you return.
Not planning anything or taking advantage of dear, sweet Jen here.
Far from it.
- Thank you for that.
- Uh, okay.
Well, we'll be back around 11:00.
- O' the clock? - Uh, yeah.
- Just checking.
- Bring me back a doggy bag.
I'm serious.
I want a bag of dogs.
Listen up, I've got a plan.
We're gonna take advantage of Jen.
- What? - Tina, keep your voice down.
All you need to know now is that it involves discount drugstore Valentine's Day candy - and us getting it into our mouths.
- Hmm? I'll tell you the rest later, now shush.
Hey, guys.
Whispering, huh? I like it, too.
Jen.
We weren't talking about anything.
Hey, you're a babysitter.
Come sit with these babies.
Okay.
Uh, here goes nothing.
Not bad.
Power couple on their way to the ferry It's a boat that goes back and forth all day, every day Which sometimes I think is sad But not tonight - Bobby, take it.
- Not tonight - Not tonight - Not tonight.
Sorry, couldn't help myself.
You guys have great energy, you know? - He gets it.
- Yeah, I do.
So, we're cutting it a little close with the ferry.
Also, I'm nervous.
Are you nervous? It's probably gonna be a bunch of impressive people, right? And we are, you know, not that.
Not nervous about the dinner 'Cause we're really great - Take it! - Here's the terminal I drove really well.
Yeah.
Bobby, tip him good.
Oh, uh Okay.
Is that good? I-I didn't know we were gonna sing together.
- I only have singles.
- It's fine.
Oh, no, they're leaving.
What? No, no, no, no, no.
Power couple coming through.
Hold that ferry! Uh-oh.
We're gonna have to jump.
I mean, do we? It hasn't pulled away yet.
I think if we just run onto it, it would I want to pretend we have to jump.
It's romantic, like in the movies.
Wait, is it romantic in the movies or dramatic? Depends what music's playing.
Let's do it together.
Hold hands, hold hands.
Oop, it's too narrow.
Un-hold hands.
- Un-hold hands.
- It was a nice idea.
Yeah, baby.
I just jumped in dress shoes.
Has that ever been done? Wow.
You guys are good at this puzzle.
It's not really a puzzle.
You just took fortune cookie fortunes and tore them in half and had us put them back together.
Didn't see that in my future.
Yeah.
Well, should we shake up the fortune pieces in a hat or a large decorative bowl and start again? We have real puzzles.
Uh, guys? Can you help me with something in the hallway? A, uh, wedgie that needs tackling? - Uh, okay.
- Tina? I do have the strongest wedgie-picking fingers.
Oh, rub it in, why don't you? Listen up, here's the "take advantage of Jen" plan.
My sources tell me the drugstore down the street discounts their Valentine's Day candy at 8:00.
We need to pool our allowance and get Jen to take us over there stat.
- Yes! - Wait, how do we get Jen on board? Tina, it's Jen.
She'll let us.
She's putty in our hands.
Funny you say that 'cause I think I saw Silly Putty in her hair.
Also, Mom and Dad don't like us to leave the house at night when they're gone? Tina, we're talking about chocolate samplers.
There's so many different kinds they have to make a map on the box.
Fine.
Let's do it.
Great, follow my lead.
Hey, Jen, we were just talking, and, uh, what do you say we take a stroll? Get some fresh night air, maybe pass by the drugstore, see if they have any interesting wares for sale.
Um Actually, no.
Great, I'll get my coat and my candy sack.
Wait, did you just say no? Jen? Honey? What's gotten into you? I just think it would be really fun to sit here for 30 minutes, and then you all go to your rooms.
How about it, gang? Uh Is this what responsible babysitting looks like? I hate it.
Look at us powering through the night.
- Getting some windy power hair.
- You know it.
- Huh.
That's weird.
- What? The downtown part of Kingshead looks like it's on our right.
Shouldn't it be, like, in front of us? Um, excuse me? W-We're going to Kingshead Island, right? - Uh, yup.
- Oh, good, because I noticed we don't seem to be heading for the ferry terminal.
- Sure we are.
Littleneck Harbor.
- Littleneck Harbor? Yeah, you know, the one most people don't go to because it's far from all the popular things? - What? - Uh-oh.
Hey, why are you dressed so fancy for Littleneck Harbor? You're gonna get Littleneck all over that fancy stuff.
But we have to get to Oh, you must've wanted Kingshead Harbor.
Whoops.
Anyway, you guys have a nice Valentine's Day.
I'm here, so you know how mine's going.
Thank you Power couple.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe we got on the wrong ferry.
I must've misread the schedule, and now we're on the opposite side of the island - from the restaurant.
- Bob, it's fine.
We'll get a cab.
We'll just be a little late.
Uh, yeah, maybe you're right.
Hopefully, like, only ten, 15 minutes.
- Mm-hm.
Yeah, the cool kind of late.
- Um, excuse me, my wife and I got on the wrong ferry.
We're trying to get to Kingshead Harbor? - Uh-oh.
- Why "uh-oh"? No more ferries from here to there.
Just ferries going back to the mainland.
O-Okay.
Well, we're supposed to be at Tomato Shack in, like, now-ish.
Can we call a cab? A-Are there cabs? Sure there are cabs.
There are three cabs.
There's three cabs? - Yup.
Tom's, Lonnie's, and Phil's.
- Um, can we call one? Let's see, Tom is married to Lonnie, so don't call them.
- Why not? - On Valentine's Day? You're not the only couple out for a romantic dinner.
Um, okay.
Are you sure they went out? I mean, not all couples go out on Valentine's Day.
Some just like to stay home and, you know, heat up leftovers.
- Ew.
- Ew? It's Tom and Lonnie.
They definitely went out.
- Good for them.
- Okay.
Wh Uh, what about Phil? - Do you have his number? - He doesn't drive at night.
He doesn't drive at night.
I don't know why I mentioned him.
I just didn't want to leave him out, you know? It's Phil.
The guy can't help his night blindness and, you know, what happened.
- Oh, God, what happened? - Let's just say nobody - died, but one person did.
- Oh, boy.
But hey, the good news is you can walk.
It's only two miles that way and Phil's not on the road, so you should be safe.
Okay What's with Jen? Sending us to our rooms at 8:00? To what, get a good night's sleep? That choc-blocking monster.
Tina, you should talk to her.
- Why me? - Because you speak babysitter.
Ken's learning babysitter on Rosetta Stone.
He loves their culture.
Fine.
- Uh, hey, Jen.
- Oh! Hi, Tina.
Why aren't you in your room? Is it on fire? Um, no, not on fire.
Phew.
Fire is not good for rooms.
- Hey, uh, could you help me? - Sure.
Adult boys enjoy lips that are colored in, right? Uh yes? Can you tell me if I'm doing this correctly? Um, maybe try to stay on the lips.
You know, you could just use the mirror in the bathroom.
Wait, you guys have a bathroom? Okay, listen, Jen, one babysitter to another.
Is there something going on? I mean, you got that text, and then you sent us to our rooms super early, and now you're doing your makeup because you think adult boys like it Oh Should I also put this on my eyelids? No.
Also, maybe touch that up? - Bathroom's down the hall.
- You guys have a hall? Jen's got an adult boy coming over.
What? She told you that? No, but think about it.
The text? And she was putting on lipstick just now, or trying to.
Huh.
That conniving little caregiver.
Hey, let's cut her some slack.
It's Valentine's Day.
No way, Tina.
There's candy at stake.
- Yeah.
Heard of it? - Wait.
Having a boy over while you're babysitting definitely seems like it's against the rules.
If Jen's boy comes over soon, and we catch her, it's "use it against her so she takes us to the drugstore" time.
- But - Buh-buh-buh.
Tina! Jen can have her romantic Valentine's Day blah-de-blah, whatever you said.
We're just gonna catch her and blackmail her with it.
It's a win-win.
Is this what the song "I smell sex and candy" is about? Ugh.
I'm such an idiot.
I should've double-checked the ferry schedule.
Hey, don't beat yourself up.
I've seen the ferry schedule.
It's crazy looking.
What are we, NASA people? Plus, we were running.
How were we supposed to know there was a big obvious sign we didn't notice? You okay? How's your feet? They're killing me.
I haven't quite broken in these dress shoes yet.
You've had them 20 years.
Yeah, but I've only worn them, like, five times.
We're almost there, okay? Maybe.
Actually, no, I can still see the ferry guy looking at us.
- Hi.
- Now we're gonna be an uncool number of minutes late because I didn't know how to - read a ferry schedule or signs.
- Come on, quit being a ferry pooper.
Hey, look, up ahead.
There's a light.
- Yeah? - So someone's home.
Let's go knock on the door.
- What? No.
- It's the country, Bob.
They can give us a lift.
People probably do that here.
Come on, I think I see - blood seeping out of your shoe.
- Oh.
Oh, God.
"Trespassers will be sheared.
" Okay, that's a funny joke, I think.
Less funny at night, when you don't know the people, and you're about to knock on their door.
- Oh, you hear that? Sheep.
- Oh, yeah.
See? Just a hilarious sheep person.
Okay, I'm knocking.
Uh - Can I help you? - Oh, my God! - - Uh-oh.
Let me guess.
Wrong ferry? - How'd you know? You're dressed pretty nice for this side of the island.
Yeah, sorry to bother you.
I-I'm Bob, and this is my wife Linda.
- Hi.
- I'm not sure how to ask this, so I'm just gonna say it.
Is there any chance you can give us a ride into town? Yeah, I could do that.
- Really? Thank you.
- Yay! But I can't actually go anywhere until I catch - Midnight and Moonlight.
- Huh? - Excuse me? That's my loose ewe and her main dude.
They got out of the pasture and snuck into the hoop house to steal carrots.
And, since you're here, if you guys could help me catch them, I could get that done quicker and give you that ride.
Yeah, that sounds easy and fun.
Okay.
Yeah.
Let's help you catch some sheep.
Great! Right this way.
All you got to do is yell and scare them - and send them towards me.
- Uh-huh.
Lin, you know why everything is going terribly tonight? It's because we shouldn't have come here, to a fancy dinner with fancy people.
Ah, stuff your fancy down your pantsy with that talk.
Come on, let's go get these sheep.
- Ugh.
- Attaboy.
-Hey, sheep! Go that way.
That way.
-Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.
- Go away, go away.
- Ugh, I stepped in sheep poop.
Oh, that's just mud.
That was sheep poop.
Oh, yeah.
I'm okay.
I just fell down because a giant fat sheep knocked me over.
But you know what? That's what I wanted.
That's how I get inside their head.
Let's do this.
We'll get that ride to the restaurant, we'll be back on track.
Sorry about that.
Just keep making noise.
I feel like you're not fully committing.
Oh, hey there, Russ.
Good boy.
Wait, is that a sheepdog? - Yup, this is Russ.
- Could he help us? Russ? With the sheep? No, he's allergic.
- Oh, my God.
- Don't let him win that one.
Charge him right back.
Oh, I don't want to do that.
Midnight and Moonlight are a handful, aren't they? They were overfed by the previous owner.
We keep them on a diet.
That's why they break out and sneak into the hoop house to eat my carrots.
Dieting is hard.
Hey.
Do they kind of look like us? Oh, my God.
They do look like us.
Just a little.
Shoo! Go! Wait, Lin.
Don't you see? It makes perfect sense.
- We are Midnight and Moonlight.
- Huh? How? We wandered away from where we belong, and we're overfed, at least I am.
Go on! Shoo! We're not sheep, Bob.
We're a great human couple who got invited to a neat thing by someone who likes us, and we're just having trouble getting there.
Go that way, sheep who look like us.
This is no place for you, you hear me? - You don't belong here! - Bobby, calm down.
No, keep it up.
They're heading right for me.
I think you're making them uncomfortable.
You're making me uncomfortable.
I don't love our plan.
I mean, waiting till Jen's date gets here, then using their romantic rendezvousing against her, it kind of makes me feel like the opposite of Cupid.
- An evil leprechaun? - Sort of, yeah.
Tina, this is a sting.
Jen's the one breaking the rules, and we're here to bust their lovey-dovey butts, so we can break the rules.
If you know a better way to get to cheap drugstore candy, we'd love to hear it, and don't say zip line, because it seems like it's the solution to everything, but it's not.
Someone's here.
- How was your Valen-Times? - That must be him.
Briefcase, huh? This guy means business.
Seriously, though, looks like a nice fella.
Good for Jen.
Okay, we wait for them to get cozy, - and then we spring our trap.
- A cozy trap, like beanbag chairs.
Okay, we got them.
Hope those carrots were worth it.
You made these people all muddy for their nice dinner.
- Oh, my God, I'm sweating so much.
- Aw! Sheep Bob is winded, too.
I think he's in better shape than me, possibly.
You see, Bob? Just like that, we're on our way.
Ah, forgot to mention, the new seat isn't coming for another few weeks.
It'll be a little cold in back, - but you can cuddle up with Russ.
- Okay.
Lin, there's a good amount of mud and poop back there.
Well, that's what's on us now.
- What's a little more, right? - Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
All right, when I say go, we jump out and bust them.
And throw a giant net over them? Anybody? No? Thank you for coming, Christopher.
On Valen-Times, no less.
Can't believe you were free.
Well, documents need notarizing, even on holidays of the heart, and you are one of my best clients.
I am not.
You are.
Had to get a new ink pad 'cause of you.
Huh? What kind of date is this? - I think Christopher's a notary.
- A what-ary? It's someone grown-ups hire to watch them sign things? I went with Dad to a notary once.
I thought there would be notes there.
I was thinking gossip notes, love notes.
There weren't any notes.
It was a long afternoon.
So, tonight, you're notarizing your birth certificate request form? Okay.
Let's crack the old briefcase.
Yes, please.
Crack the briefcase.
So jump out now? I don't think we can bust her for this yet.
I mean, the vibe is there, but there are also papers.
I guess it's kind of a gray area? I can't believe this is how babies are made.
Hey, let's have her drop us off a block away, so we can pull ourselves together before anyone gets a look at us.
Hey, you're probably right.
What do you think, Russ? Uh-huh.
- Hey, Kelly.
- Yeah? Could you drop us off a - block from the restaurant? - Huh? Could you drop us off a block from the restaurant, please? - What? - Drop us off a block from the restaurant And you're pulling up to it right now.
Oh, Great.
- Okay, here we are.
- It's fine.
The more we move around, the more the dirt just falls off, kind of.
Thanks again for your help with the sheep.
You guys have a lovely dinner tonight, all right? Bob, you coming? I don't know.
Now we have to go in there, late and covered in poop, in a nice restaurant, with non-poop people.
Aw, no, I'm sure there's some poop people.
Linda, we're out of our league.
Kelly, maybe you could just drive us to the ferry terminal, please? Bobby, no.
We came this far.
We're going in.
Gesundheit.
Bye.
Bob, we're here.
We kind of went through a lot of trouble to get here, so come on, let's go in.
Mama needs a drink, and I think you do, too.
Linda, everything that's happened tonight, from the sheep poop, to all the blood in my shoes, to more sheep poop, is happening because we don't belong here.
No.
Rachel called us a power couple.
You don't just throw words like that around.
We're not a power couple.
Look at us.
We're a "need a shower" couple.
Hey, Bob, you remember my air hockey story? About how you're really good at air hockey? Yeah.
You tell it a lot.
- Let me tell it again.
- Okay.
One night I was at a bar, and I played for the first time, and I beat my friend.
Then I beat her again, and then I beat my other friend, and then I beat some guy who was annoyed that I'd been playing so long, and then I beat his dumb friend.
The whole bar started buying me drinks, - calling me "Hockey Queen.
" - Linda, I know about "Hockey Queen.
" Sometimes, you still make me call you that.
Hush, just listen.
I couldn't lose.
So, I got show-off-y.
I smacked a shot against this one guy so hard the puck bounced back and hit me in the boob.
Ow! But aren't air hockey pucks pretty light? It stung, Bob.
Also, you don't have boobs, so you don't know.
I kind of do.
Anyway, I got hit in the boob, and all of a sudden, I wasn't Hockey Queen anymore.
Everyone was laughing at me getting hit in the boob, but I stuck some ice in my bra, and I went back and I beat that guy, and then I beat two more people, and I went home a winner with a wet bra.
So, yeah, maybe the universe hit us in the boob a little tonight, but we're gonna stay in the game.
We're gonna go in there and try to have a good time.
Because you know what? We deserve it.
The end.
Really good story.
Very wise.
Okay, yeah.
Maybe you're right.
- I am.
- But, before we go in, do you want me to take the clumps of what I hope is mud off your back and your hair? Yeah.
I'll do you, too.
What's going on? Are we doing this? I either want to be eating candy or asleep dreaming of eating candy.
I still don't know what I'm looking at here.
I don't know how notaries work.
Tina, is it usually this steamy? I don't think so? The guy who notarized Dad's stuff didn't seem interested in Dad's whole thing.
Now, I'll need your thumb print.
May I? Yes.
Which one is the thumb again? Oh, right, the unusual one.
Perfect thumb.
Yup.
This is definitely a sort of date.
Also, I think it's the hottest thing I've ever seen? Okay, so that means we know all we need to know, and we go in for the kill, and Gene get candy soon? Ugh.
She does look pretty damn happy, and her breathing's getting deep and weird.
- Let's just leave them to it.
- Oh, thank God.
Fine.
I guess we could just eat the Valentine's candy I have stashed in my sock drawer, and under my pillow, and packed in a balloon in the toilet tank.
Let's sneak back to our rooms very quietly.
Gene! Oops.
Sorry.
- What was that? - I don't know.
Maybe I farted? Oh.
Where were we? - Close one.
- - Gene! I'm sorry.
My butt doesn't like being this sneaky.
Kids? Is that you out there farting? Uh, yeah.
Sorry to disturb you.
We know you're doing important notary stuff.
Right.
Just notary stuff.
- That's all this has ever been.
- Uh Yes.
Hi, young people.
Well, I've rendered my services.
I'll send my invoice.
Since you're a preferred customer, there's no rush with the payment.
Bye, Jen.
Um, okay.
Bye, Christopher.
- Enjoy your Valen-Times.
- You, too.
Wait.
Uh, don't leave yet.
Oh, how rude of me.
My business card.
Ooh, card.
Give me, give me.
No, it's just Ugh, I'm bad at this Valentine-y crap.
Tina, a little help? Oh, um, seems like you guys obviously have a connection that's more than just notary to notar oo? - Is that Is it "notaroo"? - No.
Sorry.
What I'm saying is, maybe turn off the clock, and stay and talk.
- Maybe she's right.
- Oh? Maybe we needed these children, that I don't think are yours, but I'm not sure, to witness our feelings to make them real to us, kind of like I would witness the signing of a boat title or a mortgage loan.
Ooh, this guy talks the talk.
- Yeah.
- So, yeah, I guess I could stay.
Do you have anything else that needs notarizing? - Do I.
- Do you? - I do.
- My pad is inked.
I mean, it's self-inking, so it's always ready.
My thumb's ready for whatever.
We should go.
Happy Valentine's Day, you crazy kids.
Thanks for the card.
Cool if I call for personal chats? - Uh, sure.
- Nice, bro.
Yeah, that's not coming off.
Sorry, I tried.
It's okay.
Also, we really smell, right? Yup.
Yup, we do.
- Power couple? - Power couple.
- Valentine's kiss? - Mwah.
Okay.
- Love you.
- Love you, too.
Here goes.
Power couple Riding the ferry It's a boat that goes back and forth All day and every day Sometimes, we think it's sad But not tonight No, not tonight - Power couple - Power couple - Riding the ferry - Riding the ferry It's a boat that goes back and forth All day and every day.