Family Guy s12e12 Episode Script

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! Peter, what are you doing? I'm watching this awesome show, Brian.
See, they took all these colors and they're making 'em all live together in a beach house.
Now the red one is sleeping with the green one.
And the blue one thinks he's gonna have a career in music.
And the yellow one is just a total bitch.
Peter, that's just a channel that's gone off the air.
And we'll be right back with more Color Bar Beach House after these messages.
Oh.
Peter, for God's sake, did you eat this entire roll of raw cookie dough? Oh, is that what that was? I thought it was a raisin sausage.
Peter, you're gonna get sick.
You can't just eat raw food out of the fridge.
Eh, calm down, people make mistakes.
Just look at the original design for the first hybrid car.
Eric, we love the car.
We only want to change one thing.
Is it the "rapist" sign? Yes, it is the "rapist" sign.
I quit.
So, as you can see, our quarterly output is up one and a half percent.
That's not net, I'm talking gross.
You do everything gross.
Stupid boring meeting.
I don't even want to be here.
I'd rather be home, doing dramatic garage door reveals.
And that gets us through all projections What was that? Ah, that doesn't feel right.
Ah, man, I think that cookie dough is fighting that taco I found in the parking lot.
I just hope I can hold it in until the meeting's over.
And now, 23 minutes of silence for the 23 workers who drowned in the vats this year.
Oh, God, it hurts.
It hurts.
Of course it hurts, Griffin.
They were good men, all of them.
I can't hold it in! You don't have to, Griffin! Let it out! That's what we're here for.
This was supposed to be and there's kind of a lot of conversation going on.
Hey, Peter, my kid's selling Girl Scout cookies and-- We're collecting for Janet's pregnancy-- Softball sign-up-- Trick or treat for UNICEF-- Pitch in for Ed's retirement cake? Holiday party? Whoa! Company picnic-- Secret Santa-- Carpool info-- Ah, finally, now I can get myself to the-- Uh-oh! Ah, man, now everyone's gonna remember me for this.
I wanted to be remembered for my achievement in film.
There he is.
Oh, oh, I see! Oh, you're all here because you heard the news! Well, fine.
Peter Griffin crapped himself at work.
Happy? Peter No, no, Lois, l-l-let's get it all out.
I'm sure you also heard that someone walked into my office while I was sucking on my own toes.
And do I go fast-walking in nurse's shoes every Saturday in the park? Yes, I do.
Peter, we're not here because of any of that.
Okay, I know what this is about.
Somebody saw me holding hands with a guy at Quiznos this morning.
All right, and was I involved in the Oklahoma City bombing? A little bit.
No, Peter, you're not getting it.
Okay, we'll go deeper.
Yeah, I was swindled by that cat who said he was from the future.
Turns out he was just a present-day cat with a smooth sales pitch.
Dad, you don't understand.
Oh, I understand.
I understand I've made hundreds of deadly enemies by shouting racial taunts up at the jailhouse windows.
Oh, and another thing, raise your hand if you think ducks are magic.
And up it goes! Peter's the only one.
Peter, that's not why they're here.
A-And no, none of us heard about you soiling yourself at work.
Oh well why is everybody here? Peter, your mother is dead.
She had a stroke this afternoon and she died.
You don't die from that, Lois.
You just host New Year's Eve and talk funny.
Peter, it's true.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, my God I don't believe it.
She's gone? All right, well, I'm gonna go confuse everyone on Facebook with a, "So sad, terrible day" status and nothing more.
Your mother was a good woman, Peter.
Thanks, Lois.
I just, I just can't believe she's really gone.
And I can't believe this funeral home has a skylight with a sinister clown staring down at us.
Thank you for coming, everyone.
We're here to celebrate the life of Thelma Griffin.
Here to say a few words about Thelma is her son, Peter.
My mother always hoped to be buried with her pet cat, Mittens, so I'd like to thank the Quahog Veterinary Society for putting Mittens down so quickly.
Yeah, just-just go ahead and toss it in there.
P-Probably, probably just stuff it in by the feet.
Okay, I will now take questions from the audience.
No? None? They don't have to be about my mom.
Is anyone else here watching Revolution and wanting to talk about it after this? No! No! No! No! I'm not caught up! I'm not caught up! Lotta white socks with dress shoes in this bitch.
God, I hate funerals.
Yeah, they're stupid.
Thank God I'm not going to die.
What do you mean? Of course you are.
I'm not gonna die, Brian.
I'm like Jim Belushi.
I am worried about my funny brother, though.
Food fight! This is tragic, but will also open a door for me.
Stewie, everyone is gonna die, at some point.
Everyone.
So like even me? Yes, even you.
You are going to die someday, Stewie.
Wow I guess you learn something new everyday.
Like the Black Eyed Peas.
Hey, what's that? This is a guitar.
Wow Oh, Peter, look, your mom's old photo albums.
Oh, look at your little baby footprints.
Yeah, my mom took my footprint every single year.
When I was eight, I was a dragon.
Oh, hello.
You must be Cocoon.
We don't have any rocks to make you stronger here, but welcome.
You must be Peter.
I'm Evelyn, a friend of your mother's.
Oh, oh, hi.
This is my family.
They're of no comfort.
Oh I know it's tough what you're going through.
You're where I was 17 years ago, when I lost my husband, Walter.
He died of pancreatic cancer.
That sounds sad, but I didn't know him.
Man, I miss my mom so much.
Well, I knew your mother better than anyone.
I could tell you stories Well, that sounds nice.
Peter, the two of you should hang out together.
I'd like that very much.
Well, it's 4:00.
I'm off to bed.
Wow, Peter, looks like you made a new friend.
Yeah a-and maybe she can be my new mom, you know, just like Greg Evigan and Paul Reiser were briefly my two dads.
I keep forgetting your names.
Can you just be "Jew Dad" and you'll be "Earring Dad?" Stewie, could you please stop tossing and turning? It's hard enough to sleep in here without my memory foam pillow.
Uh don't tell me, don't tell me Brian! Yep.
Yeah I can't go to sleep, Brian-- I'm scared! Of what? Of death! Well, you're not alone.
The world is full of people who can't accept death.
And they've all got their own ideas of what happens when we die.
Really? Like what? Tell me, are any of them blindly reassuring? Look, it's late.
We'll talk about it first thing tomorrow.
Geez, you know, I gotta say, it's weird to see you so worked up about this.
I mean, you're not afraid of anything.
Even that monster in your closet.
Ah, he's on his way out of here.
Ever since he violated the section of his lease that doesn't allow subletters.
What are you talking about? I don't have anyone else in here.
Just tell him the truth, Ethan.
Thank you for doing this, Brian.
No problem, Stewie.
Our first stop today is a Jewish synagogue.
Wow, every brick in this place is named after someone.
Yeah, they do that to honor their donors.
So that side of the building was donated by someone named, "Get Out of Our Town"? No, I-I-I think that was the work of some shaved-headed gentleman, but, but we're here to talk about Judaism.
So, where do they think they go when they die? Well, you should try asking the rabbi.
Although, I should warn you, you might not get an answer.
So, where do Jewish people think they go when they die? Where do you think we go? Well, I don't know.
That's why I'm asking you.
Why do you think you're asking all these questions? I-I just, I just really want to know what happens.
Do you think that's part of God's infinite plan? I think your whole religion is a sham, just so you can get extra holidays off from work.
Oop, gotta go.
It's Buchwuch.
I say, this is quite impressive.
Buddhism is an Asian religion that also has a significant following of annoying white people.
Okay.
See, these guys believe that after you die, you're reincarnated and you come back as a pig or a cow or a rooster.
Okay, okay, that's good.
I already know what noises to make if I'm one of those.
But they also don't believe in demonstrating emotions either way, so they're the worst people to buy birthday gifts for.
I know you've been having trouble getting around, so I bought you a new Lexus.
And I got you this tie clip.
Thank you both.
These are equal to me.
Screw you! You don't even own a tie! Now, the Catholics believe that as long as you accept Jesus before you die, anyone can get into Heaven.
Really? Anyone? I accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior! Yes! Peter, thank you so much for your help in making this cake, but don't you think it would be easier if you stood on the floor? Yeah, but when I baked with my mom, I always stood on a chair.
Another memory is my Uncle Roy putting his thumb in me.
Ah, the best memories are family memories.
Oh, hey, Evelyn, I got a riddle for you: What newspaper do cows read? The Moo York Times.
That's very clever, Peter.
Did you make that up? Nah, I got it off a yogurt.
Still, very impressive.
God, you know, Evelyn, you've really helped me through a tough time.
I haven't been this grateful since I met the Sane Hatter.
Excuse me.
How do I get back through the looking glass? Oh, yeah, take two lefts and it's the first door on your right.
Cool.
Great.
Thanks for not giving me the runaround.
I-I asked that guy over there, but he just told me a bunch of rhyming nonsense.
Oh, yeah-- he's, like, a well-known dick.
What are you still doing awake? Changing the oil in my car! What the hell do you think I'm doing?! Sorry, I stole that from the Italian family next door.
They've been going at it all night.
Dad, can I have five dollars for lunch tomorrow? Yeah, sure, just let me just go check my room full of gold and jewels.
You see, every first thing he says is not the real thing.
Anyway, Brian, I'm trying to figure out death! It's not that complicated, Stewie.
Well, which of these religions has the right answer? What-What about you, Brian? What do you believe happens when you die? Nothing.
Lights out.
That's it.
That's not comforting at all! Well, I just think it's pretty clear that we're all just bags of bones and flesh that eventually break down and decay into worm food.
We come from nothing, and we're gonna become nothing.
The end.
Night, Stewie.
Lights out.
Did you hear him, Rupert? Life is just a big joke.
It's just sitting around waiting to die.
Well, I can't live like that.
I'd rather just end it.
I'm going to take my own life.
But first, I'm gonna play ball in the house.
Parents are right! We now return to S.
T.
, the Special Terrestrial.
Hi! Hey, guys, this is Evelyn.
She's the one with that bathroom carpet I've been peeing on I told you about.
Hey, nice to meet you.
You know, instead of drawing on your eyebrows, maybe just go without eyebrows.
And I'm Joe Swanson.
I've been dying to introduce you guys to Evelyn.
We've just been having the best time together.
Evelyn, tell them how many sodas I combined at the movie theater.
Two.
It was more than that.
She fell asleep.
She let me drive a little bit on the way home.
Just in the parking lot.
But you were a good little navigator.
Yeah, I just remembered, I gotta get the hell out of here.
Well, God said I could walk just one time.
I was saving it for Susie's wedding day, but Your friends seem lovely.
Ah, they a'ight.
You know, Evelyn, I am having such a good time with you.
You're like my aboveground mom.
Oh, Peter, you know, sometimes I think your mother brought us together.
Yeah, tha-that's how I feel.
Good.
Come on.
Are you molesting me or watching TV? I can't believe that old woman kissed you! Oh, it was horrible, Lois.
There were still crumbs in the corners of her mouth from that Nilla Wafer she had at lunch.
Are you sure there wasn't some kind of misunderstanding? No, no, those were definitely Nilla Wafers.
And it really bums me out, you know, 'cause I thought she was something special.
She was like a mom to me.
Well, then you should go talk to her and try to clear this up.
It sounds weird, but maybe it was innocent.
I mean, this wouldn't be the first time you thought someone was hitting on you.
Would you like to add chips and a drink? Here we go again.
All right, Rupert, here we go.
Well, I'm not dead, but I do have a boner.
So that is something new about Stewie.
Okay, death by cop.
Hey, copper, come get me! Oh, no, an armed assailant! I definitely don't want to die today.
I have so much to live for.
Come on! Shoot me! The one day I don't wear my bulletproof vest! What are you waiting for? I'm wide open! Don't you hate how the heart is right about here? Just kiss, you fruitcakes! All right, Rupert, the old toaster in the tub never fails.
Oh, damn, I wanted to die, not turn into Toaster Man.
I don't know about this Toaster Man.
While he's getting all the glory, John Q.
Taxpayer is left to clean up the crumbs.
My breakfast bread just got perfectly browned! I just wish I could thank him! Oh, I think he knows, Pop.
I think he knows.
Evelyn, we need to talk.
Oh, Peter, I owe you an apology.
I'm afraid my new medicine made me act foolishly yesterday.
You must forgive me.
Oh.
So it-it was, it was just your medicine, huh? Well, I guess I can understand that.
You know, I'm addicted to nasal spray.
I smell everything! I'm invincible! I'm probably gonna be a little down until I use the spray again.
That's okay, Peter.
Now come along.
I've got quite the day planned for us.
She's just a devil woman With evil on her mind Beware the devil woman She's gonna get you She's just a devil woman With evil on her mind Beware the devil woman She's gonna get you from behind.
Evelyn, I think it's best that we don't see each other anymore.
But Peter No, Evelyn, I trusted you, and all this funny business keeps happening, and I don't think it's your medicine at all.
So I'm afraid this is good-bye.
But Peter, I thought we were friends.
Yeah, right.
You tricked me! You're as bad as those predators on the Internet.
That's wild, Stacey.
I'm a 12-year-old girl, too.
My name's Jenny.
Want to come over to my place and help me move? Hey, you're not a 12-year-old girl! Neither are you, Jenny! Huh.
I guess we aren't so different after all.
Yeah.
You know, this isn't a whole lot of stuff.
We can probably knock this out in an hour.
What the hell?! Stewie, what the hell are you doing?! He's doing his taxes! What's it look like he's doing? Vito, get away from the neighbors' house! I'm killing myself, Brian.
You said it yourself, when we die, there's nothing! We just rot in the ground! Well, if life has no purpose, why not just cut to the chase? Look, Stewie, I know you're worried, but you can't live your life being scared of death.
Nobody knows what comes next, so all we can do is pack the most we can into each day we've got.
So for you, that's taking a 45-minute shaky-leg poop on the front lawn? I'm just saying there's something to be said for living in the moment.
So what you're saying is I've got to find my shaky-leg poop.
Exactly.
Well, I-I have always wanted to be a singer-songwriter.
Um yeah.
No, yeah, you could do that.
You-You paused.
Why-Why did you pause? Uh no reason.
You did it again! I swear to God, I will throw myself right out that window! Okay, welcome to the Apple Tree Pub.
I'm Stewie Griffin, and these are my six assistants.
You know, I changed my mind.
Kill yourself.
Hey, Mom, I-I gotta talk to you about something.
You know, ever since you turned into a rock with your name on it, your friend's been really inappropriate with me.
Hello, Peter.
Oh.
Hi.
What are you doing here? Peter, I want to apologize.
I did behave inappropriately.
It's just that since my beloved Walter died, you're the first man who's paid any attention to me, and I guess I took advantage of that.
Huh.
Well, you know, when-when you put it that way, I guess maybe it's a little bit my fault, too.
I missed my mom so much, and I guess maybe I sort of used you as a replacement.
I'm glad we became friends, Evelyn.
Evelyn? Evelyn?! Looks like somebody's mom died or something, I don't know.
You--You'll take care of this, right?