QI (2003) s12e12 Episode Script
No L
This programme contains adult humour CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Goooood evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening and welcome to QI.
As you may have noticed, if you've been paying attention, the rest of the series has been devoted to the letter L.
But tonight's an exception, because it's No-L.
GROANS Let's look at my lovely decorations.
A big bauble, Bill Bailey.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE A big? A jolly cracker, Jimmy Carr.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I'm happy with that.
A Christmas fairy, no less than Carrie Fisher.
Yeah! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And either my chocolate log has melted, or the reindeer have diarrhoea, Alan Davies.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE There's no need for that! There is no need.
Let's hear their jingle bells.
Bill goes # Ding dong merrily on high In heav'n the bells are ringing.
Jimmy goes MUSIC: Troika From Lieutenant Kije-Suite, Op.
60 by London Symphony Orchestra & Andre Previn Oh, that sleighs me.
And Carrie goes - Audience: Aw! - Thank you.
MUSIC: Sleigh Ride by The Ronettes Phil Spector's still in prison.
And Alan goes # Silent night # Holy.
BARKING RINGING Ding dong merrily on high RINGING BELLS RING BIG BEN CHIMES Now, I've got a little something for each of you under this tree.
Isn't that lovely? But first, can you tell me what's special, indeed unique, about this tree? Can you see it? There you are.
- It's small.
- It's small.
- Imperfectly formed.
- Imperfectly formed.
Is it a vintage one? - It is, it's been valued by Christie's.
- Oh.
Uh-oh.
- Oh, hello.
Is it a Christie-mas tree? - Hey, hey.
APPLAUSE I'm playing the I'm playing the joker! - It doesn't quite work as lavatorial, but you're on fire.
- Ah, thank you.
When you say it was valued by Christie's, that sounds very impressive, but maybe they went, "That's worth a pound.
" Four-figure sum.
- Four-figure sum.
- 10.
99.
- Does it belong to someone famous? - No.
Has it Is it one of these things that's been to the moon? No, it hasn't.
These are all good answers.
- Yeah.
- Really? You don't know the kind of answers they usually give.
Oh, great answer.
- Jesus' personal tree.
- Jesus' personal tree, no.
Was that what the gold, frankincense and myrrh was under? Somebody kind of suggested it earlier on, and that's to do with its age.
It's the oldest Christmas tree.
- Oldest what Christmas tree? - Oldest one in the room? - Fake.
- Fake.
Oh.
- An artificial tree.
- A tinsel - It's the first The original artificial tree.
- It's the first ever.
It's in the Guinness Book of Records.
- Wow.
Christie's have validated it, it was bought for sixpence, that's 6d, which is two and a half pence, in 1886.
- What?! - Yeah.
- This particular one? - This actual one.
And someone made note of that so that we can now? It's been in the same family, that's how we know.
And they keep all their receipts.
- It was bought by Lou Hicks and her great-great-niece, Janet - Oh, Auntie Lou.
There's Lou Hicks on the left, and her great-great-niece, Janet.
She died in 2008, and her son, Paul Parker, who's a mathematician, from Bath, is here in the audience.
Paul, hello.
APPLAUSE Oh, my God! - Paul, you grew up with this Christmas tree? - That's right.
- Who took it to Christie's, was that your mother? - That's right.
And what value did they put on it? They put a value of about 1,000 on it, but the thing is, it's anyone's guess, because it's unique.
If you're watching, if you give your address, there may be a burglar watching.
- No, that would be, that would be irresponsible.
- Bound to be some burglars watching.
Yeah.
- Odds are - Chances are - Yeah.
APPLAUSE You have Christmas trees in America, obviously.
I have a year-round Christmas tree, actually.
- Well, you have a house that is just the most - It's year-round also.
It is bizarre, it is the most bizarre An extraordinary house.
My house is 100 years old! - And in America that's like prehistoric.
- Wow.
So But Bette Davis lived there, and Robert Armstrong, - who was in King Kong.
- Yeah, and your mother lives there, Debbie Reynolds.
- We're neighbours.
She lives in your garage, let's be honest.
- I'm using the American pronunciation of "garage".
- Some nights, yes.
- Debbie Reynolds was in Singin' In The Rain.
- She was? Did she never tell you that? She doesn't come up, no.
- No.
How old was she - I can't stop thinking about it.
She was 19 years old.
You'd better stop thinking about it.
- She was 19 in that film? - Yeah.
- What were you doing when you were 19? - Nothing, that's right.
- Yes.
- I was She says that Gene Kelly rehearsed until her feet bled.
Yes, and she also said that Gene Kelly French-kissed her and she vomited.
- During? During or after? - So romantic.
Yeah.
- Was that part of the film? - No.
- That's in the blooper reel at the end.
- Oh.
They did not Donald O'Connor - and my mother were not wild about Gene Kelly.
- No.
- Oh, wow.
I love this, more of this.
- It's great.
Well, but apparently he's not a good kisser and he didn't have a good sense of humour But was Donald O'Connor nice? Was Donald O'Connor a nice chap? Yes, he was great.
Because he's I love him.
What'swhat's Chewbacca like? MAKES CHEWBACCA GROWL MAKES CHEWBACCA GROWL - He also - Try and ignore Stephen.
AS HARRISON FORD: "Laugh it up, fuzzball!" You must get this everywhere you go, you're going to get it everywhere.
I've gotten used to it, you know.
It'll take a couple of minutes for the navi computer to calculate the coordinates.
Yes.
No, that's exactly it.
That wasn't even my line and I get We all started saying those things.
You started to say it, that's right.
For the jump into hyperspace.
And it goes MAKES CHEWBACCA NOISE I remember you with Harrison Ford where he said he had a problem with the dialogue.
- He said, "You can write this stuff, but you can't say it.
" - You can type - it.
You can type it.
It's very specific.
Yeah, no, you cannot say "I have placed a couple" I can't say mine.
"I've placed a couple" No, no, I can't remember it.
Come on, come on, come on.
What is that, what is that speech that I did? - You'd know it.
- I'll tell you what we've done, we've brought 300 nerds.
Look that way.
Oh, I know.
"I've placed information vital to the "survival of the rebellion into the memory system of this R2 unit.
"My father will know how to retrieve it.
" - That's it! - Control, alt, delete.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE "But can you explain to me, please, why is it that C-3PO can speak two "billion languages but not English without a proper intonation?" - It's all up here.
- "It's so wrong, all the way he talks.
" Anyway, we've to thank, of course, Paul, for his fantastic, trusting nature, in letting us look after his exceptionally valuable tree.
The oldest artificial tree in the world.
Authenticated.
Thank you, Paul.
APPLAUSE Now you'll notice You'll notice that like any tree, it has presents around it.
Carrie, I have a present for you.
And I want to know which imperial princess was responsible for it.
So you can open it, literally on camera.
It's from an imperial princess.
Well, see, I've taken my glasses.
Does - Do you want You can put your glasses on for this moment, if it really - Thank you.
- Ah, poor you.
I've no idea where I am.
Oh! I thought we were alone! All right.
Oh! Can you see the picture of it there? We've got a video slide, so M&Ms? - The original tin.
- Shall I open it now? The original tin.
The oldest M&M tin in the world.
Do you want to show the audience what you've got there? "With our best wishes for Christmas "May God protect you "and bring you home safe.
" So what could that be, Christmas 1914, 100 years ago? Are these care packages sent to the troops? They are indeed.
On the left, she's less well known than The guy on the right was George the? You aren't to know, it's not your business.
You think of George the Tyrant before George III.
- No, George Lucas.
- Yeah, George Lucas! I stand by what I said, George the Tyrant.
No, I'm sure he was a darling.
That's George V, as it happens, who looks exactly like his cousin, - Nicholas of Russia, who was killed by Lenin.
- Right.
Well, not personally.
And his daughter, Mary, wanted to send the troops at the front a present.
She wanted to pay for it herself, out of her own allowance, to send all the troops at the front a brass box with a Christmas card, signed - by her mother and her father, George RI, Rex Imperator, King Emperor.
- Oh.
And there was tobacco for those who smoked pipes and cigarettes for those who smoked cigarettes.
And there were sweets and spices for those who were in the Indian army.
Sweets and, rather unpleasantly, a silver pencil in the shape of a bullet, for boys who were not old enough to smoke, and for those who were non-combatants.
Do they have this, like, in a museum somewhere, of the? Well, its rarity is not enormous, because originally she wanted everyone of the British Empire's armed services afloat or at the front to have this present at Christmas.
And that was 355,000 boxes successfully delivered by the deadline.
But then the eligibility was extended to include everybody who was wearing the King's uniform on Christmas Day in 1914.
Which is a huge increase.
Which was 2,620,019 servicemen.
- That's a lot of uniforms.
- A lot of uniforms, but a lot of brass.
- So there was a brass shortage.
- Buttons, a lot of buttons.
Well, yeah, buttons, of course, but the actual box that Carrie's got is made of brass, so they had to make over two million of them, - and there was a brass shortage, and - Oh! - Yeah.
Also there was a war on.
And there was a war on, so brass was needed for the casing of bullets and for other things.
There was a huge extra order of brass made from America and Canada, and one of the largest consignments was the Lusitania, which was sunk.
So that held up production of these boxes.
Now, here's a rather more individual present.
What did St Bernard get from the Virgin Mary that wasn't just for Christmas? Er, a St Bernard dog, I'm going to say.
Come on! KLAXON Oh! - KLAXON - It's actually rather weirder.
And with all the deepest respect to the Romish church, it's not untypical of some of their oddest moments of saint worship.
- Oh - She was a virgin, if we accept that she was a virgin, and gave birth.
It seems a bit unbelievable now, doesn't it? I believe in miracles, you sexy thing - .
.
you may remember was a line from Hot Chocolate.
- Fine.
- You can't make hot chocolate without? Chocolate and? - Milk.
- Milk.
And a kettle.
- Milk.
- Milk.
Milk.
She's a virgin, she's given birth.
- Oh, she gave him milk.
Breast milk.
- She lactated right into his mouth.
But she was a virgin.
- And there was a painter present! - Wow! - She's a hell of an aim.
- Look at that! - What a shot.
- Phewee.
And the milk is supposed to representwisdom.
Wait a second.
I just want to get this as a Christmas card.
APPLAUSE Stay where you are, stay where you are.
- Lovely, thank you very much.
- Add that to your photos.
- Christmas sorted.
I mean, you know, next Christmas.
She's giving a gift to the priest? He's not a priest, he's got the halo, that strange little spinning disc about him, - which means that he's already been sanctified.
He's a saint.
- Ah.
Why is he dressed as a Jedi Knight then? They were basically a prophecy of what was to come, the saints.
- There will come after us - A movie - A movie, exactly.
- .
.
that you'll want - A franchise.
- A franchise.
Mass merchandising.
Any old way.
That's St Bernard.
He was pretty odd.
But there were other opportunities that painters had to paint breasts.
Because the painters were pretty limited, they wanted to paint religious paintings.
You couldn't get that sexy with Christianity.
- This was one example where you could.
- I was going to say.
Well, that, exactly.
And then there was of course a myth.
Whoo! And this is a peculiar myth, because it gets weird.
- It doesn't look like the milk is really doing him any good.
- Well, no.
- I'm just saying.
- No, you're right.
Rubens, Vermeer and Caravaggio, three of the greatest names in all art, all painted the legend of Roman Charity, as it was called, Caritas Romana, which was a fashionable theme for painters in the 17th and 18th century.
And it tells the story of Chi-mon, or Cee-mon, C-I-M-O-N, who was sentenced to death by starvation.
And he's visited in prison and secretly breast-fed by Pero, - his daughter.
- Ugh.
AUDIENCE GROANS - Yeah.
- Well, that's a bit creepy.
- It is a bit.
Although, could be worse, you could have got off with your brother.
APPLAUSE Just saying.
I hope you're not feeling bullied, Carrie.
- Not at all.
This is - You know how much into every single cell of our body your work is stitched.
This is actually a scene cut from Star Wars, where .
.
Leia breast-feeds a Wookiee.
MAKES WOOKIEE NOISE So, St Bernard's Christmas tipple was the Virgin Mary's nipple.
Now, let's have a look under the Tannenbaum for another present.
And it's Bill's turn.
Oh, my goodness, Bill, you'll be so excited.
Here you go, can you pass that to Bill? A lot of men like getting tools for Christmas, don't they, Bill? Where are you going with this? Come on.
No, your present is the most popular tool ever made.
Oh, Piers Morgan.
- All right, let's see your tool.
- OK.
Yeah, Bill, let's see your tool.
I'm really looking forward to this tool, and it's been beautifully wrapped as well, with a snowflake design and Don't, oh, no, don't do that! No, we have to save that for a present for next year.
- Whoo ho, ho, ho! Put your tongue in? - Do you know what that is? - It's only a flipping stone axe.
- Yeah.
Head, isn't it? Or a - It is a genuinely ancient - A flint.
Not even made by a human being, made before we were a species.
Wow! By some sort of early hominid.
- Exactly.
- Homoerectus? - Erectus is exactly right.
- Homo erectus.
- So this is a stone cutting tool, some sort of axe? Yes.
It's called an axe, but you're right, it's a cutting tool.
It's certainly not for stabbing, it's for cutting.
- That is a beautiful - It is absolutely gorgeous.
- That is amazing.
They're called Acheulean, or Acheu-layin.
Yeah, they Is it working? - It's really good for anything.
- No, it doesn't work.
- It's good for - chopping garlic.
Oh, yeah, garlic, yes.
Actually, yeah, go on.
BANGING Oh, look at that.
APPLAUSE It's unfortunatethat they didn't invent cardboard for another - 5,000 years.
- Yeah, they had to wait for cardboard, you're right.
- Do you know what, I love this, thank you.
- Oh, I'm really pleased.
- I love it.
- I thought you might.
It is - I will treasure it always.
That's a Mode 2, a more sophisticated one.
The Mode 1 was called Oldowan, from the Olduvai Gorge in Tanzania, which is where all the hominids started, although similar hand axes have been found in Clacton, in Essex - which originate from about - The '70s.
- 20 years ago, exactly.
MAKES CHEWBACCA NOISES We're talking about a people who bleach their anuses and they're very sophisticated.
- Have you not watched TOWIE? - No.
Oh, yes.
No, I have watched that, yes.
- They do bleach or - They bleach their anuses.
- They do.
- What is it? - Anus bleaching is a popular thing amongst - Yeah.
- Amongst what? - It's so you don't have a rusty sheriff's badge.
- Oh! Argh! Alan Davies! Alan Davies.
Merry Christmas, everyone! Merry Christmas, everybody! - Merry Christmas! - Hey! - Merry Christmas! Wants me for a sunbeam - Gather round the fire.
- When I said Homo erectus We all know what Alan's an anagram of anyway.
So Yeah, Nala.
Nala, yeah, Nala.
An old Peruvian Inca word for anus.
All right, moving on.
Everyone likes a little luxury at Christmas, but what little luxury did the Sybarites bring along to dinner parties? - Ferrero Rocher.
- Ferrero - Oooh!!! KLAXON APPLAUSE Pleased with that one.
There we are.
You've heard the word sybaritic, I'm sure, meaning luxury-loving, hedonistic, lotus-eating sybaritic lifestyle.
- Luxury-loving.
- Luxury-loving.
Yeah.
- OK.
A very L word.
So they're very known for that.
You can see elephants, there's a camel, they're all the signs of luxury.
Gold, drinking All the signs of luxury.
We live very different lives.
Elephants, camels, you know.
If you came from southern Italy, which is where they came from, these were exotic, very expensive and very amazing things.
Would it be spice, would it be salt? - No, it was actually chamberpots.
- No! - Yes.
They gave the world chamberpots.
Because they so loved dining, they wanted not to have to leave in order to poo and pee.
So they invented something you could poo and pee into while eating.
- Oh! - And then presumably someone would Someone else would take it and bring back a clean one.
They invented the person that would take it away.
They also invented the They had slavery, I'm afraid.
They were a Greek peoples, who lived in southern Italy, known for their luxury-loving lifestyle.
Also, one of their greatest and most luxuriant leaders, Smyndirides, was said to be so, so in love with luxury that he slept on rose petals and could tell and was not able to sleep if one of the rose petals was folded over.
- Oh! - What a big girl.
You're not going to take that, are you? - I'm not going to take that.
- There, you see.
- I'm going to bleach your anus! - Ho, ho, ho! APPLAUSE Yes! Help me, someone - So they So yeah.
So - "I'm going to bleach your anus!" So, despite their reputation for luxury, the Sybarites' most lasting invention was the chamberpot.
I can't resist another peek under the tree.
Jimmy, there's a present for you, of course there is.
- Oops-a-daisy, I nearly broke the most valuable Christmas tree in the world.
- Ooh! - Ooh! - Holy moly, Paul! Paul! - Oh! The thing is, though Paul Paul's got his hand to his mouth.
Go to a break! You spoilt Christmas! It's not my fault, it was leaning on the present.
Paul, are you OK? It's beginning to look a lot like disaster Paul, at least you can say Princess Leia has handled it.
Could you pass that to Jimmy? Jimmy, open your present, it's very exciting.
Yeah, that Now Well, you What I'm going to ask you to do is stand up, and if you can, on a box, or at least as high as you can.
Well, I didn't get you anything and I think my gift's better.
No.
You know the principle of siphoning liquid, where you put a tube into a petrol tank and you slightly suck and then it's got to be higher than the bucket that you siphon into.
- Sure.
- You can siphon a chain.
So stand as high as you can.
And you see there's an end coming out of the beaker.
- As high as I can, hang on.
- Out of the cup.
Shall I go on the desk? - If you feel comfortable on the desk, that's great.
- Yeah, why not? And if you could just jerk out thethe leading LAUGHTER Stop it! Stop it, stop it, stop it! Stephen, just tell me what you need me to do.
Jerk it out? Just jerk it out.
And with any luck you'll see a rather astonishing effect - that seems to defy gravity, in the words of Wicked.
- So jerk that out.
Yeah, out, up and down.
As high as you can.
Oh! Wow! BILL: Look at that, that's amazing! Dude! It's going up, it's going up, it's going up.
Oh! Oh, it's magic.
Whoo! That's pretty impressive.
And that's actual magic? That is, isn't it? It's the magic of science.
- That was fantastic.
- That's incredible.
What's lovely about that, and we love this particularly on QI, is that it's a phenomenon that's only recently been discovered, in 2013.
Because the beads are close together they act as if they were a sequence of little rods, rising out of the pod.
It tries to rotate around its centre of gravity, but it can't, because the bottom of the pod is in the way and so it has nowhere to go but upwards.
At least that's the scientific explanation.
That's in real time, that's not speeded up.
It's quite astonishing.
I thought mine was special, there's another one.
I thought mine was enchanted.
The beautiful thing is, everyone now can give it to their children.
That's the thing, you see? Now to that evergreen highlight of Christmas telly, it's not A Wonderful Life, it's General Ignorance.
And there's no Great Escape.
Fingers on buzzers, please.
And so, when should you take down your Christmas decorations? BELLS, BARKS AND SILENT NIGHT January the sixth.
January the sixth? KLAXON BLARES Oh, dear! I think it's - What? - I think it's after the first fight on Christmas morning, you go, "It's all ruined, it's over!" - Well, the 12th day of Christmas.
- The 12th day of Christmas.
What is the 12th day of Christmas? My true love gave to me January the sixth.
Some people think it's January the fifth.
No, well, you see, the tradition is that it's Candlemas Eve.
ALAN SIGHS And Candlemas You know.
It's the first of February.
Candlemas Day is the second of February.
The whole idea is Christmas is a gigantic feast.
- The first of February?! - Yeah.
Christmas was a huge winter feast.
And you kept the holly and the ivy and all your things up all the way through.
Nowadays we have central heating and things like that, we don't really think about how amazing it was to have pickles and jams and preserves and dried fruit and all the things that kept you through winter.
And it was a great celebration.
So, Christmas was actually all the way from Martinmas, which was 11th November, to Candlemas Eve.
But what, explain to the ladies and gentlemen, because, you know, we know that there is a separation of church and state in America, and what that means, of course, is that Christmas Day is not a particularly special day.
It's illegal.
In some states.
Inasmuch as that's a big day for people to go to the cinema, - isn't it? - Well, I don't think it's a special day any more - and also stores are still open.
- That's what I mean.
That's the point, because in American law you can't have a religious festival being a commercial holiday.
So all your holidays are secular.
It's a really interesting thing, though, it is quite a secular culture, America.
Although Americans, over 60% believe that angels walk amongst us.
That's in America? SHE LAUGHS Why would they walk? LAUGHTER Hold on, hold on, are they cockney, these angels? COCKNEY VOICE: "Cor blimey, it's a rightit's a right result, this earth, isn't it?" "Hello, Raphael.
" "Hello, mate.
How are you doing, all right?" "Yeah.
You're an archangel, you are.
" "I'm infused with the holy spirit, I tell you what" "Fancy coming down and walking among them?" Who makes up that test though? Who even thinks up that question? I know.
"Where is Copenhagen", for example, was asked to a group of Americans and most of them thought it was in Canada.
You meanit isn't? No.
LAUGHTER This is really such a shock to me.
Also, do you know where the rebel base is? Will you tell us where the rebel base is? In your pants, right there.
LAUGHTER Hey! Whoo! Ow! That's why you have to keep it bleached.
That would be a great pair of underpants, just have "Rebel Base" across there.
- On the waistband.
- They're patented! - Write that down.
"These are the pants you want.
" Copyright Alan Davies.
Yeah, well done.
So you can leave your Christmas decorations up until the first of February, for all I care.
So, having reinstated the full we now have plenty of time to mull over the scores, and my goodness me, how fabulous they are.
In first place, with astonishing scoring, five points, that's a plus five, Jimmy Carr.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Oh, yes! Come on, five! Five points! But imagine on your debut to have a plus score, plus three, Carrie Fisher! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Three, brilliant.
Three is a lot.
Bill, in third place with a respectable minus six.
Minus six! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE There are only 40 days in advent, but Alan manages minus 46! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE It only remains for me to thank Carrie, Jimmy, Bill and, oh, wait a second, wait a second, there's one little boy here who still hasn't had a present.
ALL: Aw! But here's Santa! Hello, Santa! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So, Santa, what have you got for Alan? Have a feel in Santa's sack, Alan.
What can you Have a feel.
What can you What's in there? Ping-pong balls.
Ping-pong balls.
I know a very exciting thing you can do with ping-pong balls, but it's quite loud and quite dangerous.
So, can you all put your ear defenders on? Look at Carrie's ear defenders.
Carrie's ear defenders are very special.
Ah, you don't know, but you got me through some very difficult years.
I only said that when you had the ear defenders on.
You go in a safe place.
Jimmy, Carrie and Bill.
Sorry? What, what? And ear defenders on in the audience, if you would.
Good luck! Alan, you and I are going to the extremely dangerous place.
I mean kind of suicidal.
- So put the goggles on before the - Yeah, all right.
And I've got gloves, which you don't need to have.
Right, OK.
So here we have the ping-pong balls.
We are going to pour in liquid nitrogen, which is Really, really cold.
We're pouring it into this bottle.
And it's fine in the bottle, but if you put it in really hot water, obviously this is gas, which is in liquid form, and when it heats it'll go back to gas.
But there's so much of it, it'll expand and expand and expand and the bottle will explode, really rather violently.
So, if you put it in, there's hot water in there, we're going to add these ping-pong balls.
And the moment the bottle goes in Alan, pop in yours, all of them.
And I'll pop in all of mine.
And then we've got about five seconds! Wow, let's go.
Oh, gosh! ALL: Whoo! Oh! It's snow! Well, ladies and gentlemen That is just great.
That was genuinely like all our Christmases came at once.
Ding dong, merrily on high.
And a very happy Christmas to you all! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
As you may have noticed, if you've been paying attention, the rest of the series has been devoted to the letter L.
But tonight's an exception, because it's No-L.
GROANS Let's look at my lovely decorations.
A big bauble, Bill Bailey.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE A big? A jolly cracker, Jimmy Carr.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I'm happy with that.
A Christmas fairy, no less than Carrie Fisher.
Yeah! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And either my chocolate log has melted, or the reindeer have diarrhoea, Alan Davies.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE There's no need for that! There is no need.
Let's hear their jingle bells.
Bill goes # Ding dong merrily on high In heav'n the bells are ringing.
Jimmy goes MUSIC: Troika From Lieutenant Kije-Suite, Op.
60 by London Symphony Orchestra & Andre Previn Oh, that sleighs me.
And Carrie goes - Audience: Aw! - Thank you.
MUSIC: Sleigh Ride by The Ronettes Phil Spector's still in prison.
And Alan goes # Silent night # Holy.
BARKING RINGING Ding dong merrily on high RINGING BELLS RING BIG BEN CHIMES Now, I've got a little something for each of you under this tree.
Isn't that lovely? But first, can you tell me what's special, indeed unique, about this tree? Can you see it? There you are.
- It's small.
- It's small.
- Imperfectly formed.
- Imperfectly formed.
Is it a vintage one? - It is, it's been valued by Christie's.
- Oh.
Uh-oh.
- Oh, hello.
Is it a Christie-mas tree? - Hey, hey.
APPLAUSE I'm playing the I'm playing the joker! - It doesn't quite work as lavatorial, but you're on fire.
- Ah, thank you.
When you say it was valued by Christie's, that sounds very impressive, but maybe they went, "That's worth a pound.
" Four-figure sum.
- Four-figure sum.
- 10.
99.
- Does it belong to someone famous? - No.
Has it Is it one of these things that's been to the moon? No, it hasn't.
These are all good answers.
- Yeah.
- Really? You don't know the kind of answers they usually give.
Oh, great answer.
- Jesus' personal tree.
- Jesus' personal tree, no.
Was that what the gold, frankincense and myrrh was under? Somebody kind of suggested it earlier on, and that's to do with its age.
It's the oldest Christmas tree.
- Oldest what Christmas tree? - Oldest one in the room? - Fake.
- Fake.
Oh.
- An artificial tree.
- A tinsel - It's the first The original artificial tree.
- It's the first ever.
It's in the Guinness Book of Records.
- Wow.
Christie's have validated it, it was bought for sixpence, that's 6d, which is two and a half pence, in 1886.
- What?! - Yeah.
- This particular one? - This actual one.
And someone made note of that so that we can now? It's been in the same family, that's how we know.
And they keep all their receipts.
- It was bought by Lou Hicks and her great-great-niece, Janet - Oh, Auntie Lou.
There's Lou Hicks on the left, and her great-great-niece, Janet.
She died in 2008, and her son, Paul Parker, who's a mathematician, from Bath, is here in the audience.
Paul, hello.
APPLAUSE Oh, my God! - Paul, you grew up with this Christmas tree? - That's right.
- Who took it to Christie's, was that your mother? - That's right.
And what value did they put on it? They put a value of about 1,000 on it, but the thing is, it's anyone's guess, because it's unique.
If you're watching, if you give your address, there may be a burglar watching.
- No, that would be, that would be irresponsible.
- Bound to be some burglars watching.
Yeah.
- Odds are - Chances are - Yeah.
APPLAUSE You have Christmas trees in America, obviously.
I have a year-round Christmas tree, actually.
- Well, you have a house that is just the most - It's year-round also.
It is bizarre, it is the most bizarre An extraordinary house.
My house is 100 years old! - And in America that's like prehistoric.
- Wow.
So But Bette Davis lived there, and Robert Armstrong, - who was in King Kong.
- Yeah, and your mother lives there, Debbie Reynolds.
- We're neighbours.
She lives in your garage, let's be honest.
- I'm using the American pronunciation of "garage".
- Some nights, yes.
- Debbie Reynolds was in Singin' In The Rain.
- She was? Did she never tell you that? She doesn't come up, no.
- No.
How old was she - I can't stop thinking about it.
She was 19 years old.
You'd better stop thinking about it.
- She was 19 in that film? - Yeah.
- What were you doing when you were 19? - Nothing, that's right.
- Yes.
- I was She says that Gene Kelly rehearsed until her feet bled.
Yes, and she also said that Gene Kelly French-kissed her and she vomited.
- During? During or after? - So romantic.
Yeah.
- Was that part of the film? - No.
- That's in the blooper reel at the end.
- Oh.
They did not Donald O'Connor - and my mother were not wild about Gene Kelly.
- No.
- Oh, wow.
I love this, more of this.
- It's great.
Well, but apparently he's not a good kisser and he didn't have a good sense of humour But was Donald O'Connor nice? Was Donald O'Connor a nice chap? Yes, he was great.
Because he's I love him.
What'swhat's Chewbacca like? MAKES CHEWBACCA GROWL MAKES CHEWBACCA GROWL - He also - Try and ignore Stephen.
AS HARRISON FORD: "Laugh it up, fuzzball!" You must get this everywhere you go, you're going to get it everywhere.
I've gotten used to it, you know.
It'll take a couple of minutes for the navi computer to calculate the coordinates.
Yes.
No, that's exactly it.
That wasn't even my line and I get We all started saying those things.
You started to say it, that's right.
For the jump into hyperspace.
And it goes MAKES CHEWBACCA NOISE I remember you with Harrison Ford where he said he had a problem with the dialogue.
- He said, "You can write this stuff, but you can't say it.
" - You can type - it.
You can type it.
It's very specific.
Yeah, no, you cannot say "I have placed a couple" I can't say mine.
"I've placed a couple" No, no, I can't remember it.
Come on, come on, come on.
What is that, what is that speech that I did? - You'd know it.
- I'll tell you what we've done, we've brought 300 nerds.
Look that way.
Oh, I know.
"I've placed information vital to the "survival of the rebellion into the memory system of this R2 unit.
"My father will know how to retrieve it.
" - That's it! - Control, alt, delete.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE "But can you explain to me, please, why is it that C-3PO can speak two "billion languages but not English without a proper intonation?" - It's all up here.
- "It's so wrong, all the way he talks.
" Anyway, we've to thank, of course, Paul, for his fantastic, trusting nature, in letting us look after his exceptionally valuable tree.
The oldest artificial tree in the world.
Authenticated.
Thank you, Paul.
APPLAUSE Now you'll notice You'll notice that like any tree, it has presents around it.
Carrie, I have a present for you.
And I want to know which imperial princess was responsible for it.
So you can open it, literally on camera.
It's from an imperial princess.
Well, see, I've taken my glasses.
Does - Do you want You can put your glasses on for this moment, if it really - Thank you.
- Ah, poor you.
I've no idea where I am.
Oh! I thought we were alone! All right.
Oh! Can you see the picture of it there? We've got a video slide, so M&Ms? - The original tin.
- Shall I open it now? The original tin.
The oldest M&M tin in the world.
Do you want to show the audience what you've got there? "With our best wishes for Christmas "May God protect you "and bring you home safe.
" So what could that be, Christmas 1914, 100 years ago? Are these care packages sent to the troops? They are indeed.
On the left, she's less well known than The guy on the right was George the? You aren't to know, it's not your business.
You think of George the Tyrant before George III.
- No, George Lucas.
- Yeah, George Lucas! I stand by what I said, George the Tyrant.
No, I'm sure he was a darling.
That's George V, as it happens, who looks exactly like his cousin, - Nicholas of Russia, who was killed by Lenin.
- Right.
Well, not personally.
And his daughter, Mary, wanted to send the troops at the front a present.
She wanted to pay for it herself, out of her own allowance, to send all the troops at the front a brass box with a Christmas card, signed - by her mother and her father, George RI, Rex Imperator, King Emperor.
- Oh.
And there was tobacco for those who smoked pipes and cigarettes for those who smoked cigarettes.
And there were sweets and spices for those who were in the Indian army.
Sweets and, rather unpleasantly, a silver pencil in the shape of a bullet, for boys who were not old enough to smoke, and for those who were non-combatants.
Do they have this, like, in a museum somewhere, of the? Well, its rarity is not enormous, because originally she wanted everyone of the British Empire's armed services afloat or at the front to have this present at Christmas.
And that was 355,000 boxes successfully delivered by the deadline.
But then the eligibility was extended to include everybody who was wearing the King's uniform on Christmas Day in 1914.
Which is a huge increase.
Which was 2,620,019 servicemen.
- That's a lot of uniforms.
- A lot of uniforms, but a lot of brass.
- So there was a brass shortage.
- Buttons, a lot of buttons.
Well, yeah, buttons, of course, but the actual box that Carrie's got is made of brass, so they had to make over two million of them, - and there was a brass shortage, and - Oh! - Yeah.
Also there was a war on.
And there was a war on, so brass was needed for the casing of bullets and for other things.
There was a huge extra order of brass made from America and Canada, and one of the largest consignments was the Lusitania, which was sunk.
So that held up production of these boxes.
Now, here's a rather more individual present.
What did St Bernard get from the Virgin Mary that wasn't just for Christmas? Er, a St Bernard dog, I'm going to say.
Come on! KLAXON Oh! - KLAXON - It's actually rather weirder.
And with all the deepest respect to the Romish church, it's not untypical of some of their oddest moments of saint worship.
- Oh - She was a virgin, if we accept that she was a virgin, and gave birth.
It seems a bit unbelievable now, doesn't it? I believe in miracles, you sexy thing - .
.
you may remember was a line from Hot Chocolate.
- Fine.
- You can't make hot chocolate without? Chocolate and? - Milk.
- Milk.
And a kettle.
- Milk.
- Milk.
Milk.
She's a virgin, she's given birth.
- Oh, she gave him milk.
Breast milk.
- She lactated right into his mouth.
But she was a virgin.
- And there was a painter present! - Wow! - She's a hell of an aim.
- Look at that! - What a shot.
- Phewee.
And the milk is supposed to representwisdom.
Wait a second.
I just want to get this as a Christmas card.
APPLAUSE Stay where you are, stay where you are.
- Lovely, thank you very much.
- Add that to your photos.
- Christmas sorted.
I mean, you know, next Christmas.
She's giving a gift to the priest? He's not a priest, he's got the halo, that strange little spinning disc about him, - which means that he's already been sanctified.
He's a saint.
- Ah.
Why is he dressed as a Jedi Knight then? They were basically a prophecy of what was to come, the saints.
- There will come after us - A movie - A movie, exactly.
- .
.
that you'll want - A franchise.
- A franchise.
Mass merchandising.
Any old way.
That's St Bernard.
He was pretty odd.
But there were other opportunities that painters had to paint breasts.
Because the painters were pretty limited, they wanted to paint religious paintings.
You couldn't get that sexy with Christianity.
- This was one example where you could.
- I was going to say.
Well, that, exactly.
And then there was of course a myth.
Whoo! And this is a peculiar myth, because it gets weird.
- It doesn't look like the milk is really doing him any good.
- Well, no.
- I'm just saying.
- No, you're right.
Rubens, Vermeer and Caravaggio, three of the greatest names in all art, all painted the legend of Roman Charity, as it was called, Caritas Romana, which was a fashionable theme for painters in the 17th and 18th century.
And it tells the story of Chi-mon, or Cee-mon, C-I-M-O-N, who was sentenced to death by starvation.
And he's visited in prison and secretly breast-fed by Pero, - his daughter.
- Ugh.
AUDIENCE GROANS - Yeah.
- Well, that's a bit creepy.
- It is a bit.
Although, could be worse, you could have got off with your brother.
APPLAUSE Just saying.
I hope you're not feeling bullied, Carrie.
- Not at all.
This is - You know how much into every single cell of our body your work is stitched.
This is actually a scene cut from Star Wars, where .
.
Leia breast-feeds a Wookiee.
MAKES WOOKIEE NOISE So, St Bernard's Christmas tipple was the Virgin Mary's nipple.
Now, let's have a look under the Tannenbaum for another present.
And it's Bill's turn.
Oh, my goodness, Bill, you'll be so excited.
Here you go, can you pass that to Bill? A lot of men like getting tools for Christmas, don't they, Bill? Where are you going with this? Come on.
No, your present is the most popular tool ever made.
Oh, Piers Morgan.
- All right, let's see your tool.
- OK.
Yeah, Bill, let's see your tool.
I'm really looking forward to this tool, and it's been beautifully wrapped as well, with a snowflake design and Don't, oh, no, don't do that! No, we have to save that for a present for next year.
- Whoo ho, ho, ho! Put your tongue in? - Do you know what that is? - It's only a flipping stone axe.
- Yeah.
Head, isn't it? Or a - It is a genuinely ancient - A flint.
Not even made by a human being, made before we were a species.
Wow! By some sort of early hominid.
- Exactly.
- Homoerectus? - Erectus is exactly right.
- Homo erectus.
- So this is a stone cutting tool, some sort of axe? Yes.
It's called an axe, but you're right, it's a cutting tool.
It's certainly not for stabbing, it's for cutting.
- That is a beautiful - It is absolutely gorgeous.
- That is amazing.
They're called Acheulean, or Acheu-layin.
Yeah, they Is it working? - It's really good for anything.
- No, it doesn't work.
- It's good for - chopping garlic.
Oh, yeah, garlic, yes.
Actually, yeah, go on.
BANGING Oh, look at that.
APPLAUSE It's unfortunatethat they didn't invent cardboard for another - 5,000 years.
- Yeah, they had to wait for cardboard, you're right.
- Do you know what, I love this, thank you.
- Oh, I'm really pleased.
- I love it.
- I thought you might.
It is - I will treasure it always.
That's a Mode 2, a more sophisticated one.
The Mode 1 was called Oldowan, from the Olduvai Gorge in Tanzania, which is where all the hominids started, although similar hand axes have been found in Clacton, in Essex - which originate from about - The '70s.
- 20 years ago, exactly.
MAKES CHEWBACCA NOISES We're talking about a people who bleach their anuses and they're very sophisticated.
- Have you not watched TOWIE? - No.
Oh, yes.
No, I have watched that, yes.
- They do bleach or - They bleach their anuses.
- They do.
- What is it? - Anus bleaching is a popular thing amongst - Yeah.
- Amongst what? - It's so you don't have a rusty sheriff's badge.
- Oh! Argh! Alan Davies! Alan Davies.
Merry Christmas, everyone! Merry Christmas, everybody! - Merry Christmas! - Hey! - Merry Christmas! Wants me for a sunbeam - Gather round the fire.
- When I said Homo erectus We all know what Alan's an anagram of anyway.
So Yeah, Nala.
Nala, yeah, Nala.
An old Peruvian Inca word for anus.
All right, moving on.
Everyone likes a little luxury at Christmas, but what little luxury did the Sybarites bring along to dinner parties? - Ferrero Rocher.
- Ferrero - Oooh!!! KLAXON APPLAUSE Pleased with that one.
There we are.
You've heard the word sybaritic, I'm sure, meaning luxury-loving, hedonistic, lotus-eating sybaritic lifestyle.
- Luxury-loving.
- Luxury-loving.
Yeah.
- OK.
A very L word.
So they're very known for that.
You can see elephants, there's a camel, they're all the signs of luxury.
Gold, drinking All the signs of luxury.
We live very different lives.
Elephants, camels, you know.
If you came from southern Italy, which is where they came from, these were exotic, very expensive and very amazing things.
Would it be spice, would it be salt? - No, it was actually chamberpots.
- No! - Yes.
They gave the world chamberpots.
Because they so loved dining, they wanted not to have to leave in order to poo and pee.
So they invented something you could poo and pee into while eating.
- Oh! - And then presumably someone would Someone else would take it and bring back a clean one.
They invented the person that would take it away.
They also invented the They had slavery, I'm afraid.
They were a Greek peoples, who lived in southern Italy, known for their luxury-loving lifestyle.
Also, one of their greatest and most luxuriant leaders, Smyndirides, was said to be so, so in love with luxury that he slept on rose petals and could tell and was not able to sleep if one of the rose petals was folded over.
- Oh! - What a big girl.
You're not going to take that, are you? - I'm not going to take that.
- There, you see.
- I'm going to bleach your anus! - Ho, ho, ho! APPLAUSE Yes! Help me, someone - So they So yeah.
So - "I'm going to bleach your anus!" So, despite their reputation for luxury, the Sybarites' most lasting invention was the chamberpot.
I can't resist another peek under the tree.
Jimmy, there's a present for you, of course there is.
- Oops-a-daisy, I nearly broke the most valuable Christmas tree in the world.
- Ooh! - Ooh! - Holy moly, Paul! Paul! - Oh! The thing is, though Paul Paul's got his hand to his mouth.
Go to a break! You spoilt Christmas! It's not my fault, it was leaning on the present.
Paul, are you OK? It's beginning to look a lot like disaster Paul, at least you can say Princess Leia has handled it.
Could you pass that to Jimmy? Jimmy, open your present, it's very exciting.
Yeah, that Now Well, you What I'm going to ask you to do is stand up, and if you can, on a box, or at least as high as you can.
Well, I didn't get you anything and I think my gift's better.
No.
You know the principle of siphoning liquid, where you put a tube into a petrol tank and you slightly suck and then it's got to be higher than the bucket that you siphon into.
- Sure.
- You can siphon a chain.
So stand as high as you can.
And you see there's an end coming out of the beaker.
- As high as I can, hang on.
- Out of the cup.
Shall I go on the desk? - If you feel comfortable on the desk, that's great.
- Yeah, why not? And if you could just jerk out thethe leading LAUGHTER Stop it! Stop it, stop it, stop it! Stephen, just tell me what you need me to do.
Jerk it out? Just jerk it out.
And with any luck you'll see a rather astonishing effect - that seems to defy gravity, in the words of Wicked.
- So jerk that out.
Yeah, out, up and down.
As high as you can.
Oh! Wow! BILL: Look at that, that's amazing! Dude! It's going up, it's going up, it's going up.
Oh! Oh, it's magic.
Whoo! That's pretty impressive.
And that's actual magic? That is, isn't it? It's the magic of science.
- That was fantastic.
- That's incredible.
What's lovely about that, and we love this particularly on QI, is that it's a phenomenon that's only recently been discovered, in 2013.
Because the beads are close together they act as if they were a sequence of little rods, rising out of the pod.
It tries to rotate around its centre of gravity, but it can't, because the bottom of the pod is in the way and so it has nowhere to go but upwards.
At least that's the scientific explanation.
That's in real time, that's not speeded up.
It's quite astonishing.
I thought mine was special, there's another one.
I thought mine was enchanted.
The beautiful thing is, everyone now can give it to their children.
That's the thing, you see? Now to that evergreen highlight of Christmas telly, it's not A Wonderful Life, it's General Ignorance.
And there's no Great Escape.
Fingers on buzzers, please.
And so, when should you take down your Christmas decorations? BELLS, BARKS AND SILENT NIGHT January the sixth.
January the sixth? KLAXON BLARES Oh, dear! I think it's - What? - I think it's after the first fight on Christmas morning, you go, "It's all ruined, it's over!" - Well, the 12th day of Christmas.
- The 12th day of Christmas.
What is the 12th day of Christmas? My true love gave to me January the sixth.
Some people think it's January the fifth.
No, well, you see, the tradition is that it's Candlemas Eve.
ALAN SIGHS And Candlemas You know.
It's the first of February.
Candlemas Day is the second of February.
The whole idea is Christmas is a gigantic feast.
- The first of February?! - Yeah.
Christmas was a huge winter feast.
And you kept the holly and the ivy and all your things up all the way through.
Nowadays we have central heating and things like that, we don't really think about how amazing it was to have pickles and jams and preserves and dried fruit and all the things that kept you through winter.
And it was a great celebration.
So, Christmas was actually all the way from Martinmas, which was 11th November, to Candlemas Eve.
But what, explain to the ladies and gentlemen, because, you know, we know that there is a separation of church and state in America, and what that means, of course, is that Christmas Day is not a particularly special day.
It's illegal.
In some states.
Inasmuch as that's a big day for people to go to the cinema, - isn't it? - Well, I don't think it's a special day any more - and also stores are still open.
- That's what I mean.
That's the point, because in American law you can't have a religious festival being a commercial holiday.
So all your holidays are secular.
It's a really interesting thing, though, it is quite a secular culture, America.
Although Americans, over 60% believe that angels walk amongst us.
That's in America? SHE LAUGHS Why would they walk? LAUGHTER Hold on, hold on, are they cockney, these angels? COCKNEY VOICE: "Cor blimey, it's a rightit's a right result, this earth, isn't it?" "Hello, Raphael.
" "Hello, mate.
How are you doing, all right?" "Yeah.
You're an archangel, you are.
" "I'm infused with the holy spirit, I tell you what" "Fancy coming down and walking among them?" Who makes up that test though? Who even thinks up that question? I know.
"Where is Copenhagen", for example, was asked to a group of Americans and most of them thought it was in Canada.
You meanit isn't? No.
LAUGHTER This is really such a shock to me.
Also, do you know where the rebel base is? Will you tell us where the rebel base is? In your pants, right there.
LAUGHTER Hey! Whoo! Ow! That's why you have to keep it bleached.
That would be a great pair of underpants, just have "Rebel Base" across there.
- On the waistband.
- They're patented! - Write that down.
"These are the pants you want.
" Copyright Alan Davies.
Yeah, well done.
So you can leave your Christmas decorations up until the first of February, for all I care.
So, having reinstated the full we now have plenty of time to mull over the scores, and my goodness me, how fabulous they are.
In first place, with astonishing scoring, five points, that's a plus five, Jimmy Carr.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Oh, yes! Come on, five! Five points! But imagine on your debut to have a plus score, plus three, Carrie Fisher! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Three, brilliant.
Three is a lot.
Bill, in third place with a respectable minus six.
Minus six! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE There are only 40 days in advent, but Alan manages minus 46! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE It only remains for me to thank Carrie, Jimmy, Bill and, oh, wait a second, wait a second, there's one little boy here who still hasn't had a present.
ALL: Aw! But here's Santa! Hello, Santa! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So, Santa, what have you got for Alan? Have a feel in Santa's sack, Alan.
What can you Have a feel.
What can you What's in there? Ping-pong balls.
Ping-pong balls.
I know a very exciting thing you can do with ping-pong balls, but it's quite loud and quite dangerous.
So, can you all put your ear defenders on? Look at Carrie's ear defenders.
Carrie's ear defenders are very special.
Ah, you don't know, but you got me through some very difficult years.
I only said that when you had the ear defenders on.
You go in a safe place.
Jimmy, Carrie and Bill.
Sorry? What, what? And ear defenders on in the audience, if you would.
Good luck! Alan, you and I are going to the extremely dangerous place.
I mean kind of suicidal.
- So put the goggles on before the - Yeah, all right.
And I've got gloves, which you don't need to have.
Right, OK.
So here we have the ping-pong balls.
We are going to pour in liquid nitrogen, which is Really, really cold.
We're pouring it into this bottle.
And it's fine in the bottle, but if you put it in really hot water, obviously this is gas, which is in liquid form, and when it heats it'll go back to gas.
But there's so much of it, it'll expand and expand and expand and the bottle will explode, really rather violently.
So, if you put it in, there's hot water in there, we're going to add these ping-pong balls.
And the moment the bottle goes in Alan, pop in yours, all of them.
And I'll pop in all of mine.
And then we've got about five seconds! Wow, let's go.
Oh, gosh! ALL: Whoo! Oh! It's snow! Well, ladies and gentlemen That is just great.
That was genuinely like all our Christmases came at once.
Ding dong, merrily on high.
And a very happy Christmas to you all! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE