South Park s12e12 Episode Script

There's anyone here tonight and still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible? Who still wanders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time? Who still questions the power of our democracy? Tonight is your answer.
YEAH! OBAMA! WHOOO! We did it! The effort did it! It's been long time but tonight because of what we did on this day in this election in this defining moment, change has come to America.
YEAH! Yeah, Obama! Change! It's-- It's change! Sasha, Malia Ann, I love you both more than you can imagine.
And you've earned the new puppy that's coming with us to the white house.
We will name him Sparkles.
He's so awesome! He's so perfect and awesome! Where we are met with citizens are in doubt and those who tell us we can't, we will respond with timeless creed that sums up the spirit of the people.
Yes, we can.
Yes, we can.
Yes, I can.
Yes, I can.
Here comes the change, everybody.
Whooo! Did you see, our man is in.
We did it.
Everything is gonna be awesome now.
This is the greatest day of our lives.
Yes, we can.
I don't even know what to do now.
I know what to do.
Loosers! Loosers! Loosers.
- Loosers.
- Ah, shut up! - Loosers.
- We lost? It is natural.
It's natural tonight to feel some disappointment.
We fought as hard as we could.
And though we feel short, the failure is mine, not yours.
- Oh, no.
- Uh, no! Poor old John McCaine.
Well, he looks real sad.
No! No, this can't happen! No! - Steven! - It's all over, Linda.
The country as we know it is about to change.
We're all dead! You don't know that, Steven.
With an unexperienced man as a president we do know it.
He's right, game over man, m'kay.
We probably be dead by sunrise.
Butters.
Daddy loves you.
Just remember that, he always loved you.
- Whooo! Obama! - Get out of here! Dude, have you seen my parents? No, everyone's out partying in the streets.
What's wrong with your brother? He was a McCaine supporter.
It's ok, Ike, Obama will do fine.
Mr.
president, over there.
Great job.
Great job, mr.
president.
Great job, Obama.
Thank you all for your support.
If you don't mind, we gonna be spend the rest of the evening getting so much needed rest.
Senator McCaine? President Obama? Boom, baby! Ho-ho, man, that was perfect.
I almost thought we're gonna tie for a minute there.
That would have screwed us.
You played it perfectly, there was no way.
It's McCaine, we did it.
Obama is president.
Yeah, so I've heared.
You guys are out of your freaking minds, you know that? Yes, we do.
Assemble the rest of the team, we've only got 10 hours.
Sure, hard part's over, right? Actually, the hard part's just starting.
O-ba-ma.
O-ba-ma.
O-ba-ma.
O-ba-ma.
Ce-le-brate good Obama, c'mon.
It's O-bam-o-bama.
Yes, I'd like to make a noise complaint.
Who let the Obama out? Oh, police are here.
Whooo.
Whooo.
Okay people, time to disperse.
Party is over.
Pooo-- The party Obama.
Come on, time to go home.
What are you a McCaine voter? Yeah! Sorry pal, but Obama's president now.
O-ba-ma.
O-ba-ma.
O-ba-ma! O-ba-ma! Yeah, flip-- Flip the cop car! Flip the cop car! Hey! Put down my car.
Yes, we can! No! No, ain't stop it.
Jesus Christ! Whohoo.
O-bama, you so fine, you so fine, you blew my mind.
Hey Obama, hey Obama.
Hey, you guys wanna buy a TV? Bravo, Obama and McCaine.
Ten years you two have been working on this plan and you've finally poured it off.
Guys we've all know each other a long time, had many incredible adventures.
But this is going be our greatest feat ever.
I knew it.
I knew when you two ran for president you were just working an angle.
Always working the angles.
My friends, while the entire country is busy reacting to elections we are about to pull of the greatest heist in human history.
So, come on, enlighten us.
What are we stealing this time? The Hope Diamond.
Rated No.
4 out of Going street value Middle-Eastern market of course 210 million dollars.
Million.
No, no, no.
The Hope Diamond in ungettable, every thief in the world knows that.
Almost ungettable.
The diamond is kept in the Smithsonian Natural History Museum long considered the most thiefproof structure ever built.
The Diamond rings is protected by impenetrable walls of two foot wide steel on northe-east side - a 75-laser system.
There's simply no side of the Smithsonian that can be breached.
So, you're go in through the roof? Drop to it from the top? I can't do it from the top.
Because the palmer shelf fronts the entire expense.
Okay, you can't get into museum from any side and you can't drop in from above.
So you can't get the diamond.
Meet the presidential escape tunnel.
A two mile long underground passage that runs from the white house to location outside the city limits in case of an attack.
The tunnel is only accessible from the Oval Office and just happens to travel-- right underneath the Smithsonian Natural History Museum.
Boom, baby! You get somebody into that tunnel, they can blast into the museum, let the others in.
The heist is on.
So, you both ran for president, because one of you has to win and you've got your access to the tunnel.
And we ran a particulary brutal campaign so that the nation is as distracted as possible during the next-- 8 hours.
This all sounds very risky.
We spent 10 years putting this plan together.
If we indeed the best thief club in the world And we are.
We won't get caught.
Yes, I am trying to locate my parents.
My name is Kyle Broflovsky.
Yes, I know Obama won.
- Kyle, Kyle, you got to get out of here.
- What? Your little brother's climbed out of the window.
I think he's gonna jump.
Oh my god! Ike, don't do it.
There's still so much to live for.
I know you really wanted McCaine to win but-- but it's gonna be OK.
No, that's not true, Ike.
The economy could easily stabilize with Obama's plan.
Ike, don't jump, you could easily hurt your ankle or something.
Really, Ike, that's like 5 feets off the ground.
Don't do it.
No! Ike! Oh crap, Ike! Alright, everyone, I'm turning in for the night.
Got a standard security, team three.
Sir! Sir, we have bit of a problem.
- What? - The new president-elect is here.
He wants enter the Oval Office.
Barack Obama? They are-- They are all right through here, sir.
Ah, hello.
Is there something we can do for you, mr.
Obama? Just checking out the new digs.
How are you guys? Good, sir.
I'd like to see the Oval Office, please.
Right now? I don't waste time, gentlemen.
I've only got two months to figure out how I want to redecorate, if you know what I mean.
You know, change the drapes and stuff.
Sure, right this way mr.
-- president.
I will need absolute privacy, is that understood? Yes, sir.
Thanks.
I've got a hundred dollars.
Alright, McCaine, I'm in.
Nicely done, B.
We're in position outside the Smithsonian.
Wou've found the escape tunnel? I'm already on it.
Boom, baby.
Whooo-- Change-- Change-- Change! Dad, dad, we have a problem! Not any more.
We do everything different now.
No, dad, we got to take Kyle's brother to the hospital.
We're not take crap for the rich fat cats anymore.
He seems wasted.
Hey, it's my boss.
Hey, boss.
Oh, hello Marsh.
Yeah, you know what? Fuck you! - Huh? - You heared me, you fucking piece of shit.
I can finally tell you what I think you, fucking asshole.
Dad, what are you doing? It's okay, Stan, everything changed.
I don't need this stupid fucking job anymore.
You're the fucking assfucking piece of shit.
You know what Obama said? Yes, we can.
Hey, I've voted for Obama.
Obama's not talking about you! Could somebody help us? My little brother fell out of the window.
I just wanna say to everyone who's disappoited with the election that there's always next year.
Maybe I'll run for vice-president again in 2009.
Uh, mrs.
Palin, have seen or heared from John McCaine? Uh, no.
I don't really know where he went, kinda seems a little odd, I guess but-- Oh, my phone is going ringy.
Excuse me.
- Hello? - Hello, Sarah, it's McCaine.
I hope to god you're calling to tell me you're in position below the vault with the L7 charges.
I'm in the tunnel now, Sarah.
Should be almost below the museum.
Just make sure you won't blow the transformers along with the tunnel, because it will trigger the 54 laser system.
And don't damage any coupling wires or it'll be worthless when Garak shuts down the grade.
I'll be there in 30.
God! She's awesome.
Oh, I guess senator McCaine's gonna fly me back to Alaska now.
He's got a private jet, you know.
Ok, bye-bye then.
Bloody idiots.
All right, here we go.
- What's that going? - It's okay, just some construction outside.
McCaine, we've got a problem.
Hang easier, Ike, we gonna get you help.
There's some people.
Let's stay back-- Stay back! We don't have any more room in the ARk.
You have to let us in.
You know the country is doomed.
Who are you to turn us away? I built this bunker in case McCain lost and there isn't enough room for everyone.
Uh, excuse me but we need some help.
I know you do but there's no more room, I tell ya.
You're going to deny them too? God sakes, man, they're children.
Look them in the eyes and tell them you won't let them in.
Look at their little cheeks.
Let go my face, asshole.
All right, damn you.
The children can come in.
No, we don't want in to your stupid shelter.
- All right, then I want their place.
- Me too.
We need to get a ride to the hospital.
Damn it, it's gonna be a hospital, don't you get it? Let us in now! Oh, Jesus, it's already happening.
Society's breaking down.
Obama hasn't been elected 4 hours and already the country's going to hell.
Mr.
Obama? Sir? All right, give me the keys.
Is there a problem, gentlemen? Eh, no.
No, sir.
Everything okay in there? Why wouldn't it be? I'm sorry but I've asked to be left alone.
Yes, sir it's just that-- your wife is here.
- My wife? - Barack, everyone's been looking for you.
What on earth are you doing? Uh, come on in, darling.
Thank-- thank you boys.
Okay, Barack, tell me what's going on.
Michelle, there's something I need to tell you.
What is it? Barack, what is it? The laser system guarding the diamond has been replaced by an optical relay three days ago.
You gotta be kidding me.
So the entire down in vault is inaccessible? Is McCaine online? Hi, Michelle.
You guys weren't running an update checks on a security logs? Michelle, we need you to do a different scanhack to the vault relay.
On a new system in an hour? Are you nuts? My job was to pretend to be married to this bozo and get you three hacks into a laser system.
Michelle, it's Sarah.
They did replaced the laser system but the new system isn't brand new.
It's an old H7 series.
You can break this baby in 30 minutes.
Huh.
Tell Davis to get me a 4-trans emitter and enough poll strive to make a spark.
- You catched this, Davis? - I'm on it.
We made it, Ike.
You're going to be OK.
There.
Just take the seat over there.
Excuse me, my little brother need medical attention.
Was he an Obama supporter or McCaine supporter? Why does that matter? Because then I'll know if he partied too hard or if he tried to kill himself.
Mam, please.
I think my little brother needs immediate help.
You don't understand, kid.
There's only two doctors on call.
And dr.
Wilson is out celebrating in the street somewhere.
So, where's the other doctor? Hey, c'mon, people.
We can keep partying, can we? Yes, we can.
C'mon, let's sing.
Ooo-ba-ma.
Well, you came and you gave without taking.
--your way, O-ba-ma.
When you kissed me it's stopped me from shakeing.
I've almost got it.
You only going to have five minutes, do you understand? Did you really not like pretending to be married? Oh, Jesus, now it's not the time, B.
C'mon, you have to admin we had some fun.
My girls need somebody better than world-class diamond thief.
W-- Wait.
There, I've got it.
Alright, everyone, we're about to go.
So, here's the revised schedule.
north-west exit to the museum.
allowing me access to the rear doors.
Go! doors and let in the rest of the crew.
down the grade disabling power to the vault room.
monday calls on a bomb threat to the museum.
I said I put a bomb in your building.
Yes.
door checking the museum for any bombs.
security and shuts off the diamond case alarm.
Hey you, stop! Michelle and I head back into the tunnel and the hole is patched.
the diamond securely hidden in my anus.
All done.
Thanks.
Boom, baby.
There just one thing.
Don't you think people are going to be suspicious when you disappear? Go looking for you? We hired a guy for that a couple months ago.
What the hell? Ike? Boom, baby.
Here all the tickets for your group, mr.
Sanchez.
Thank you very much.
Well, friends, let us depart.
Hey, eh-- You guys go ahead.
I've just came to say goodbye.
What? I've decided to hang it up.
Maybe give this president thing a shot.
B! You can't be serious.
Besides, you died in a jet in Rocky Mountains, remember? Could have been I didn't make that flight.
What do you say, Michelle? Would you and your girls like to move into the White House with me? You know, settle down.
Just be president and first lady for a while.
You're serious? Who knows, maybe we could change a few things.
What do you say? Ah, what the fuck.
I just love happy endings.
It's still here.
It's all still here.
Does that mean maybe we overreacted? No, no, I wouldn't say that.
It's just maybe-- Oh, maybe Obama will be alright.
Oh-- Oh, aw-- Aw-- Hey, where are my pants? Where's our TV? Where're my pants and where's my TV? Dad, your boss called.
He said you're fired.
Oh! Oh! God damn it! Obama said things will be different.
That son of a bitch lied to us.
I knew I should have voted for McCaine.