Big Bang Theory s12e14 Episode Script

1 Ooh, it's freezing out here.
Would you like me to heat things up? No, I want to get in the hot tub before I lose a toe.
Oh.
That is bright! Yeah, a new neighbor put in floodlights.
Huh.
So, shall we? No.
I don't want to take my robe off under a spotlight.
This is a candle body.
MAN (calls): Howdy, neighbors! We haven't met yet.
I'm Andy.
Oh.
Hello.
Nice to meet you.
You know, your new balcony kind of looks right over our fence.
ANDY: You might want to put up some trees.
We can see everything.
You can, but it's okay if you don't.
So, can you turn your lights off? Sorry, they're motion-sensored.
They'll go off in a minute.
Just try to stay still.
(door closes) What are we gonna do about this? I say we wait until his lights go off, and then I make hot, motionless love to you.
Don't move.
It's go time.
The Big Bang Theory 12x14 The Meteorite Manifestation Original Air Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started Wait! The Earth began to cool The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools We built the Wall We built the pyramids Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery That all started with a big bang Bang! And his new balcony looks right down on our hot tub, which meant we couldn't do anything.
So you gave your kids Benadryl for nothing? Why do I share with you? You're such a yenta.
Are we done talking about Howard's failed conjugal relations? I have an actual Nobel Prize crisis to deal with.
Has anything changed since the last time you talked about it? No.
Is there anything you can do about it? No.
Then shut up or go wait in the car! LEONARD: Excuse me.
Remember you all came here to check out my cool new laser? Oh, right.
I'm gonna go wait in the car.
The best part is that it's europium-based, so And then Andy said if we want privacy, we should plant some trees.
The only way I know how to do that is to give a dollar and tree shows up in Israel.
Okay.
Anyway, so because it's europium-based Hey.
I need some help with a meteorite I found.
Ah.
I'd be happy to.
Oh, no, I meant Raj.
I really need an astrophysicist.
KOOTHRAPPALI: Wow.
This is exactly like a dream I had.
Except in the dream, you're Gal Gadot.
I don't really have dreams, when I sleep or in life.
Anyway I X-rayed this meteorite, and it looks like there's some sort of organic signature inside of it, but I could really use another opinion.
Well, great.
Let's go check it out.
LEONARD: Cool.
I'm gonna stay here and show Howard I want to see it! Okay.
Well, thanks for stopping by.
(electrical humming) Screw them.
That's cool.
Hey, I'm not sure we're in the right line.
- Is this for the city zoning office? - Yes, it is.
Or, as we call it here, "the zone zone.
" (chuckles) WOMAN (calls): No, we don't.
That's Linda.
Ignore her.
She's going through the change.
Now, how can I help you? Our neighbor built a balcony that looks right into our backyard, and we're trying to see if there's anything we can do about it.
Well, you have come to the right place.
You know, a lot of people handle this type of thing online, but I always say nothing beats the human touch.
(chuckles) Oh, but don't worry.
I'm not gonna actually touch you.
We had quite the informative meeting on that.
We just want a little privacy in our backyard.
You know, for (clicks tongue) (quietly): Maybe we should've done this online.
No, no, no, no.
The zone zone is a safe zone.
LINDA: Stop saying "zone zone"! So, is there anything we can do? Absolutely.
Do you know if they have permits for the balcony? Oh, no.
We were hoping you could check.
I certainly can.
I just need you to fill out a form, and we have them available in Armenian, Chinese, Cambodian, English, Farsi, Korean, Spanish and Vietnamese.
Well, English, obviously.
Well, we're not allowed to presume.
That was a whole other meeting.
So we just fill out the form and that's it? Oh, no.
No, you need to fill it out, and then you need to bring it down to the Office of Code Compliance.
Now, if your neighbors don't have a permit, you can file an official complaint, but if they do have a permit, then you have to make the case that the balcony constitutes a nuisance, an encumbrance or an encroachment, and you have to decide which, because they are three totally separate forms.
This is starting to seem like more trouble than it's worth.
I know, right? (chuckles) (sneezes) - You okay? - Yeah.
Great, 'cause you just bought that whole row of Batmans.
Sorry, I (sneezes) And now you bought Aquaman.
Good choice.
If you want cold medicine, Stuart has the entire run of DayQuils, including the rare "DayQuilt" misprint from 1996.
What can I say? I'm a collector.
Thanks, but I'm fine.
I think it's just allergies.
- Hi, guys.
- Hey.
LEONARD: Hey.
Oh, heads up.
If that Aquaman feels wet, it's not a gimmick.
Leonard sneezed on it.
- You sick? - Uh, it's just allergies.
Oh.
So, check it out.
This meteorite that Bert found is really cool.
We did a spectrographic analysis, and there's there's definitely something going on inside.
Well, y, i-if you want, we could use my new laser to cut it open.
Well, thanks, but Bert's got this water-cooled, diamond-bladed saw.
Well, sure, but with my laser, you'd get a thinner slice, which would make for a better sample.
STUART: Whoa, whoa.
You're not gonna cut open a meteor, are you? Have you not learned anything from comic books? Space viruses? Pod people? I sell nothing but warnings.
C-Calm down, Stuart.
You're being a little crazy.
Oh, is he? Is he being crazy? Or is he the only one around here who's making any sense? It's nice they found each other.
Yeah.
Uh, so, anyway, you want to use my laser? Eh, sorry.
It's kind of Bert's thing, and he wants to do it his way, so Okay.
Yeah, that's cool.
Just seems dumb to not use the laser.
Not as dumb as unleashing a plague on mankind, but, hey, what do we know? Literally nothing.
We spent half the day down at the city planning office, and didn't solve a thing.
Now we have to go back tomorrow.
The planning office? You lucky ducks.
Yeah, this one made me go for ice cream and talk about her day.
Spoiler alert: it was fine.
It wasn't fine.
I got trapped in an elevator.
I may have missed a few details.
The bottom of my cone was drippy.
So now we have to download all these forms and fill them out.
SHELDON: We get it.
Your life is great.
Stop rubbing it in.
Yeah, quit it.
SHELDON: Is one of the forms the 599B/C? Because, if so, it has a doozy of a typo.
I don't know.
All right, well, I don't want to spoil anything, but you might want to start practicing your "siglature.
" Sheldon, if you like this stuff, why don't you come and do it with us? - Or instead of us? (gasps) Do you mean it? No, no, wait, it's too late.
You can't take it back.
Yes.
Well, Amy, looks like the elevator might have been the high point of your day.
Hey, where's Raj? Uh, he's working with Bert.
They're probably cutting their stupid meteorite open with their stupid diamond saw.
(blows nose) - Are you okay? - Yeah.
I'm just a little run-down.
It might be a head cold.
Purell.
Purell.
Purell.
Purell.
Can I top anybody off? It's just so frustrating.
I-I know my laser would be way more efficient.
They're gonna lose so much meteorite due to kerf loss.
Mm.
I'm sorry your friends won't let you play kerf with them.
Don't make it sound childish.
It's the scientific word for dust.
What was wrong with "dust"? Are you sure you're not just a little jealous? No.
It's just, my way is better, but they won't even consider it.
Oh, well, it's their loss.
Look, why don't you go to bed.
I'll run out and get you some medicine.
Ah, it's okay.
Stuart gave me some when I was at the comic book store.
Really? You're taking medicine from Stuart? Doesn't he need, like, all of it? Mm, he's got plenty.
His pill caddy is, like, this big.
All right, well, why don't you go to bed.
I'll sleep out here on the couch.
No, no, no, you take the bed.
I'll stay out here.
Even better.
Sweet dreams, snot bag.
See what I'm talking about? Oh, yes.
Oh, that is textbook encroachment.
And I know because I have the textbook.
First edition.
Watch what happens when you move.
Oh! Oh, boy, you weren't kidding.
Oh, those are 10,000 lumens if they're a lumen.
Well, you know what they say: when life give you lumens, make lumen-Ade.
(chuckles) Was that a joke? Yes.
Based on the premise that "lumen" sounds like "lemon"? Yes.
(chuckles): That's hilarious.
Okay, what is the setback on property lines in this neighborhood? Oh, I don't know.
It must be on the permit from when you built your deck.
Uh, yeah, my dad built this.
We didn't do the whole permit thing.
Here we go.
Are you saying I'm standing on an unpermitted deck? It's been here for years, Sheldon.
It's fine.
How did the inspector not flag this when he came to check out your bathroom renovation? Uh (grunts) Are you telling me that I have showered in an uninspected bathroom? You showered in our house? You made me hold your children.
What did you expect me to do? (exhales) You think you know people.
You do know them, Sheldon.
Yeah, but-but do we? Do we really know them? Yes! They're rule breakers, Amy.
And you know what we do with rule breakers? Complain about them to our spouse until she's ready to drive into oncoming traffic? You can't cross a double yellow line.
What is this, the Purge? So, I guess you're not gonna help them? Oh, I'm gonna help them-- help them get on the right side of Johnny Law.
Oh, you can't turn them in.
The city's gonna make them rip out all the work they've done and do it over.
It would be the end of your friendship.
What choice do I have? These are the rules.
Sheldon, I am begging you.
Please, don't do this.
You know who doesn't get permits for their decks? Animals.
Animals don't have decks.
Oh, really? I have one word for you: beavers.
(blows nose) (sniffles) Bert? Raj? (sniffles) Huh.
Can't believe they're gonna cut that with this punk-ass diamond saw.
Geez.
Oh, hey, look.
"Siglature.
" - Next! - Hello.
Hi! Welcome to the zone zone.
(chuckles) (chuckles): Oh, that's funny! Hey, I also have a joke for you.
Lumen-Ade.
Maybe I told it wrong.
Well, how can I help you? If I know someone in violation of the building code, should I turn them in? Interesting question.
Yeah, I know.
Because, on the one hand, Confucius says we owe a greater responsibility to people we're close with rather than to society at large.
But, on the other hand, Socrates says that we're obligated to obey all laws, even unjust ones.
And then, furthermore, if we're entertaining rules about when it's okay to break the rules, I should-- where does it end? Well, for me, it ends at 5:00.
Well, I just-- I don't know what to do.
All I can tell you is that the building codes are there for everyone's safety.
Oh, so you're saying I have no choice but to turn them in.
I did not say that.
But would you? And remember that I laughed at your "zone zone" joke.
LINDA: It's not even a joke! Oh, is that Linda back there? - Yeah.
- Aw.
How are her hot flashes? Any better? (mouths) Leonard, what are you doing?! Showing you that this is the better way.
Stop! Whatever's inside there is dangerous! (zapping) KOOTHRAPPALI: Oh.
And pretty.
What is that? (gas hisses, Leonard shouts) Are you okay? (groans) Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm just feeling a little (distorted): hungry.
(screaming) Stop eating Bert! Keep eating Bert! (screaming) PENNY: Leonard.
Leonard! What? What? You're having a bad dream.
Oh, thank God.
I was eating my friends.
Well, one friend and one acquaintance.
You know what, Bert's okay.
Two friends.
Let me see if you're running a fever.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, you're burning up.
(screaming) (screams) Geez! Are you okay? (pants) That depends.
What-what color are my eyes? I don't know, brown? No, green.
No, wait, brown.
Oh, good, I'm awake.
Howie, someone's here to see you.
Hello.
Hey.
What's going on? Can you come over here? Sheldon, the deck is safe.
You can walk on it.
(sighs) (exhales) Oh, that gets the heart going.
Mm.
So, what's up? I went down to the city Code Compliance Office to turn you in.
Are you kidding? But I didn't do it.
I filled out the form and then realized that the unwritten rules of friendship are more important than the written rules of the city of Altadena's Zoning and Planning Department.
Aw.
Really? "Aw"? And you'll be happy to know that, while I was there, I did look into your neighbor's balcony, and it is encroaching on your property line.
I had all this pent-up snitch energy, so I reported him hard.
What did they say? He's going to have to remove it.
(chuckles) So the good guys win? Well, I don't know if I'd call you the good guys.
You're enforcing a law on him that you're willfully ignoring yourselves.
Uh, all right, fine.
So the morally compromised guys win.
Apparently so.
Now, if one of you'd be kind enough to take me home, I need to use my bathroom.
What's wrong with the one here? I'm sorry, I want to live.
(sniffles) Hey.
You guys got a second? Leonard, I told you, buddy.
We don't need to use your laser.
Yeah, all we need is Terry Brad-saw.
That's what I named my saw.
No, I-I just wanted to apologize for yesterday.
I just-- I think I was jealous, you know? Sheldon and Amy might win a Nobel Prize, and now you guys have this cool meteorite project.
- Really? You're jealous of us? - Yeah.
I even had this crazy dream last night where I ate you both.
- Seriously? -Uh I know.
I was pretty out of it.
Who'd you eat first? Oh.
Uh, you.
(chuckles) Nice.
(jackhammer rattling) This is just delightful.
Do you think he knows we're the ones that got him in trouble? - Who cares? -I do.
I met his wife.
She seems really nice.
ANDY: Sorry about the noise, neighbor! No problem! Hey, you guys know a Sheldon Cooper?! No, we do not! Is it just me or has no one been in the store for hours? Yeah, it is weirdly quiet.
(gasps) Nobody's in the street.
Huh.
Well, that's strange.
You thinking what I'm thinking? They cut that meteorite open and unleashed a space plague? Exactly.
Let me just lock up here.
(lock clicks) Okay.
So what do we do? Uh, well, if this is a worst-case scenario and we're the last two people alive, we're gonna, we're gonna have to rebuild civilization.
Do you have any special skills? I can draw.
How 'bout you? I can play clarinet.
Oh, I didn't know that.
- Yeah, ten years.
- Ah.
You know, it, uh, might also be up to us to repopulate the Earth.
I'm okay with that.
(chuckles) So shall we? Wait here.
I'm gonna brush my teeth.
Sorry, we're closed! This is going on Yelp!