King of the Hill s12e15 Episode Script

PEGGY: That year, we almost had it.
BOBBY: I had just learned how to button.
You should've checked my work.
(laughs) Oh, my God.
Look at Dad! Ugh, I should just destroy those back-up glasses.
I wonder where that necklace went? Hank! Guess what?! You knowhow we always wait until the last minute to get our Christmas card photo taken and always end up getting Mega-Lo portraits, which are always terrible? Uh am I supposed to be guessing something here? Mom got us an appointment with Ron! As in "Portraits by Ron" Ron! I called and got the last available appointment before Christmas.
Wow! This guy's even taken photos of the Stricklands! This is gonna be great! It's all because I did your favorite thing, Hank I planned ahead.
Well, you know what I always say: "If you plan ahead, then, when things happen, you're prepared.
" Yep.
Yup.
Mmm-hmm.
(plays bluesy rock run) Yeeeeeep! Talkin' 'bout like a dang ol' Rick Wakeman, man, 'stead of "yes" man, you gonna dang 'ol say "no," man.
I took it upon myself to upgrade the entertainment value of the alley, and provide a soundtrack, if you will.
Uh, I don't know, Dale.
Conversation's already pretty good.
DALE: But it could be better! I'll show you! So, I was just opening this beer, and the tab didn't go all the way in.
(plays dramatic stinger) So I had to push it open with my Swiss Army knife and now, my beer tastes like my back pocket.
(plays bright glissando) Wow you really made that come to life.
Sssst! Good luck following that, Boomhauer.
Dad, Dooley ran away from home! He left a note with only two words: I'm gone.
(plays the first few notes of Beethoven's Fifth Symphony) So Dooley ran away.
Mm-mm-mm.
I am not the least bit surprised.
There is no way you can keep a lid on that powder keg they call a family.
I thought you and Melinda Dooley were friends.
Yeah Melinda and I took different paths.
Let's just say her clothes weren't the only thing that got casual on Fridays.
I will leave it at that.
Her values.
I wonder where that boy is.
If I were him, I'd find myself a nice culvert to crawl into.
Somewhere in Oklahoma, where the police treat you like a human being.
Uh Okay.
(door opening) Poor Melinda.
It all went downhill for her after she married that Tim Dooley.
Well, because she had to.
Poor thing.
First, everything else in her life, and now this.
PRINCIPAL MOSS (over P.
A.
): Welcome, parents.
We're confronting a serious and difficult issue.
Thank God we've got a speaker to tell us what to do.
"Here he is, fresh from The Montel Williams Show author Stephens Davies.
" (applause) Good evening.
First, let me extend my condolences to the Dooley family and the Arlen community.
We must ask ourselves why this happened.
Allow me to quote from my book.
"The nuclear family has suffered a meltdown.
" If you don't have a close-knit family, then every member of your family is at risk.
(door opens) (people gasping) I'm back.
Show's over.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Dooley is the exception who proves the rule.
Yes, every second in this country, a poorly parented child runs away.
Excuse me! Your child could run away! My son will not run away.
My family is fine.
Don't you think Mrs.
Dooley thought her family was fine, too? Well, probably.
But, really, I don't think this relates to me.
(smug laugh) Of course you don't.
Your family's great.
So, tell me: Where's your son right now? He is at home.
Then let's call him.
Get on up here! (people murmuring "Ooh!") Okay.
Whoa! Look out for the books.
On sale.
With a forward by Marilu Henner.
Are you sure you don't want to talk to Melinda Dooley? She's right there.
(phone line ringing) (phone ringing) (phone line ringing) (line clicks) PEGGY(recorded): Sorry, we're not home right now.
Unless this is Alex Trebek, in which case, come right over.
(Peggy guffaws on recording) (laughs anxiously): Well, that's just Interesting.
What's your son's cell phone number? He doesn't have a cell phone.
You have no idea where your son is or how to get ahold of him.
So if he's gone, he's gone.
Well, uh This is the real problem with American families.
Complacency! Self-satisfaction! Igno-rationalization! It's a word I coined it's in my book and she's guilty of it.
I am so sorry.
You're ashamed.
Peggy, I think you may be overreacting.
Have you ever wondered why we can never get our Christmas card photo right? It's because, as a family, we are all over the place: Scattered, disheveled, eyes closed.
The '77 Cowboys never took a good photo, but they won the Super Bowl.
Your logic doesn't hold up.
Hank, when an expert on families calls you up on stage and tells you you are failing as a parent, it would be foolish of you to ignore it.
(weary sigh) Which is why I got this.
Now, when you go out, simply slide your magnet to "out," and indicate your destination and estimated time spent, using these symbols here.
I also bought each of you a cell phone.
Cool! Yeah, it is cool.
It only calls me.
Oh.
Can I receive calls? From me.
Peggy, this is unnecessary.
We communicate as needed.
(sighs wearily) Uh, well, I do like dry-erase boards.
Thank you.
(funky syntho-bass line playing) What's that you're playing? It's your theme song.
What?! I'm kidding.
This is your theme song.
(playing Metallica-like, melody-less notes) No, no, it's this.
(plays gentle, delicate celestial harp notes) (guffawing) It really is that.
(groans) Listen to my theme song! (plays wacky sound effects like a Spike Jones song) Oh, that is so me.
(plays clanking, boinging sound effects) Aw, dang it.
I lost the drawstring to my sweatpants again.
What's that trick with the, uh Peggy! What are you doing in your underwear outside the master bathroom? I want us to be a closer, more open family.
What?! Why would you want that?! Baaah! Because of what I just read in Davies's book Chapter 12: Get Comfortable.
"Clothes may keep your body warm, but they make your heart cold.
" We need more intimacy as a family, Hank.
I thought that's what the dry-erase board was for.
Now, for God sakes, put on some clothes! Hank, the dry-erase board is only the physical part of the solution.
This hanging out in our underwear is the emotional part.
Mmm! This is the way food was meant to be eaten! No stains.
I can just hose down afterwards.
I don't think this is sanitary.
Hank, you might feel better about this if you took your pants off.
No.
All right.
Look if wearing your pants makes you comfortable, do it.
Anything goes.
Do whatever you feel like doing.
(Dale playing funky "chickawawa" music in alley) Ah.
Good.
Boomhauer's home.
Uh I feel like going out to the alley.
Hey, Bobby! (screams) I got these for the three of us for the Christmas photo.
Okay.
So, tell me what happened in school today, huh? How are you feeling? Uh, okay.
Oh! (laughs) It was classic.
In gym class, I made a fart noise with a deflated volleyball and people thought it was Coach Kleehammer! No, no, no, Bobby, that's good, but what I want to know about, honey, are your feelings.
Huh? You know, do you feel misunderstood, isolated? Do you feel like people don't like you? What do you mean people don't like me?! I was the one who made the fart noise! Bobby I would like to share an excerpt from my diary, as I no longer want us to have any secrets.
No, no, that's okay.
"Dear Diary, "Bobby's eyebrows have still not grown in.
It is disturbing.
" Mom! (groans) I want my sideburns to be even for Ron's picture.
I'm gonna need you to hold the laser level as I shave.
Is there anything on you you'd like level? No, thank you.
Bwaaah! Close the door! Hank, there are no doors.
What?! No! Only when we take down our inner doors can we put them back up and then not use them.
So, let me get this straight: To keep Bobby from running away, you have to do your business in front of me? It's the only way.
How did you even do that? (Bobby screams) I'm trying to take a shower and there's no curtain! Come on! (quiet groan) First one to breakfast gets to sit on my lap! Oh, no.
Why are you wearing your pajamas? I had to get dressed in a hurry.
There's no doors in my house! (sighs) (phone ringing) Yello.
This is a recording of Ron.
We're calling to confirm your photo shoot with Ron at: WOMAN: Today at 5:00 p.
m.
What?! Today?! No, I thought it was tomorrow.
Hello? Help! Somebody, please hello?! (phone ringing) Hank, I need you to go on a propane run for us now.
I'd love to, sir.
(phone ringing) Can I hang out with you for awhile? You can if you want, but my dad's been testing Tasers, so you really have to watch out.
I'll take my chances.
(phone continues ringing) You have 30 seconds until this appointment is over.
At 5:30, I'm taking a picture.
I'm so sorry, I do not know how this could've happened.
They should be here.
That is your picture.
Good-bye.
Next! Well, here it is.
We didn't know about the mix-up until it was too late.
We'll just reschedule.
Ron is booked up; we can't reschedule.
Didn't you see the board? I even used those freaking High School Musical magnets you love so much.
Neither of us came home in time.
I don't understand.
I called, I left messages Hank, where is your cell phone? Uh it's in my desk at work.
But how are you going to get my calls? Bobby, where's your phone? Uh, it's in my desk at work? Oh, my gosh, you did not want to get my calls.
You were both avoiding me.
(sighs wearily) It's all the extra attention and sharing and whatnot.
We felt a little claustrophobic.
Yeah! I've even had dreams that I was a little bunny, and you petted me and petted me and petted me until you broke my neck.
Oh, I see.
I just wanted us to be closer.
Yeah, I know.
Well, I have errands to run.
I will not bother to tell you where am going, since it does not matter.
I sure hate to see Peggy so upset.
Dang it, somebody should invent a pill that just makes you happy.
Hank needs a happy pill Why won't someone make that? It's not a pill, but I make something in my bathtub that'll make you happy.
You know, none of this would've happened if it wasn't for that family expert jackass.
You mean, Stephens Davies? That guy's amazing! His theories, his sense of style, the whole thing.
I wish I could go to his book signing today.
A book signing? Yeah, at the Arlen Mall.
I'd go, but I'm pretty busy writing this musical.
Huh.
I think I'll go down there, get that guy to call Peggy, and fix all the problems he caused.
Hank's going to the bookstore He's going to save the day Save the day 'Cause that's what he does BOTH: Save the day Save the day! Sorry I was such a lame lab partner today.
It's okay.
I just feel so bad about hurting my mom's feelings.
Ah I've got it.
I'll just go down and beg for a new appointment.
I'm adorable when I beg.
If that doesn't work, start crying.
It works for my dad.
I need to return these.
I am no longer in the Christmas spirit.
Sir, Mr.
Davies isn't signing any personal items.
You have to buy his book and wait in line.
(sighs) All right, fine.
There you are! Mr.
Ron? Speaking.
My family missed our appointment yesterday and my mom's really upset.
Is there anyway you can squeeze us in? This photo means a lotto her and she means a lot to me.
Please.
You know, I shoot families all the time who I know hate each other.
It's nice to see there are some out there who have real love and devotion between them.
Reminds me of I got into this business.
So, you'll give us a new appointment?! No, no, no there's nothing I can do.
Sorry.
(sobbing) Oh, please! No.
Oh! And the name is? Hank Hill.
I'm the husband of Peggy Hill.
I can't do two names on one book.
You need to buy another.
Look, you and your got dang book have upset my family, and now you're gonna fix it.
(gasps) Oh! Security! You are gonna call my wife and tell her that she is a good mother and we have a good family.
Use this it's like a Bat Phone it'll go right to her.
Grip it! Why don't you grip it?! I'm not going to tell you again! Now take the phone, and make the dang call! Hank?! What are you doing? Peggy?! Aw, dang it! There he goes.
I was trying to get your expert to tell you that everything was okay.
BOBBY: Mom! Bobby, what are you doing here? I tried to get Ron to reschedule.
I even cried! I was faking it at first, and then I started crying real tears, thinking about how important this was to you (sobbing): I'm doing it again! You are a wonderful husband and a wonderful son and we are a wonderful family.
And I don't need a picture to prove it.
(sighs) But it would've been nice.
The Dooleys?! Dang it, we're a better family than they are! We deserve to have our picture taken with Ron! In fact, Ron will take our picture.
We just have to work together.
Well, hello, Melinda.
Peggy.
I see you found your son.
We were all worried.
Sarcasm.
Well, two can play at that game.
Cute baby.
Sorry we can't stay and chat.
We have an appointment with Ron.
I have three months' allowance saved up.
It's all yours, if you just run away for a little while.
You have an hour.
Hey, Tim.
How's, uh how's your boy? Dooley! The Dooleys, please? HANK: Uh, yes.
We are the Dooleys.
Ron will see you now.
Which background should we use? It doesn't matter where we are, as long as we are together in the Alps.
Okay, now get closer.
Father, put your arm around Mother.
You know what? We are fine just the way we are.
PEGGY: First one to breakfast gets to sit on my lap!