Bob's Burgers s12e16 Episode Script

1 I'm a potato, my friends are all mayo I'm a potato, my friends are all mayo.
All right, I'm all warmed up.
When Pop Pop gets here, he's gonna have a front row couch seat to a sneak preview of my newest rock opera.
Or rock Pop-Pop-ra, if you will.
Actually, Pop Pop will be too busy looking at all my newly acquired vintage Burobu cards from their "Fairy Tales" series.
Um, I think Pop Pop will be pretty occupied with me because I'll be interviewing him for school, which is the whole reason he's coming over, so Ugh.
Why would he want to do boring school stuff when he can hear about the Burobu cards I have? And, more importantly, about the ones I don't have but want and need very, very badly.
- He'll get the hint.
- Sorry, but he'll be too mesmerized by my show.
It's called The Gene-uine Article.
I'll be debuting my glam-eridoo.
It's like a didgeridoo, but with more sizzle-sazzle.
Glam-er Look, I'm not against vintage slug cards or the musical arts, but I'm really gonna need all of Pop Pop's eyes and ears on me.
Or the ears he can still hear out of.
Tina's right.
You two need to give your sister a chance to do her report thingy on, uh, what's it about again, hon? We have to interview an older relative and ask them these questions.
- How many people have you killed? - What? That's not on there, is it? Aw, it's gonna be so sweet.
You and your Grandpa Belcher chitchatting about the good old days, eating these nice cheese and crackers, writing stuff down.
Yeah, it's-it's gonna be great.
But, I mean, Tina, don't expect, you know, too much from him 'cause my dad's not the most, um, chitchatty.
If we get enough booze in him, that bird will sing.
Well, I think I've got some pretty good interviewing moves.
I open with an icebreaker like, "Hey, is that a new haircut? I love it.
" Hopefully he has a new haircut.
And then I casually ask, "What moment from your past most shaped you?" What moment most shaped him? Huh.
- I bet it's the tree thing.
- What tree thing? Is Pop Pop a tree? I had my suspicions.
No.
A tree almost fell on him when he was younger.
That's why he doesn't like the woods, I think.
Also, I saw him yell at a tree once.
Um, spoiler.
Just let him tell it.
Hello? -Oh, hi, Big Bob.
You on your way? -Ah, not yet.
My walk-in's on the fritz, and I got to pack all this food up and put it on ice.
And then I got to yell at my walk-in, - so I'm gonna be late for dinner.
- Oh, okay.
We'll see you when you get here.
We can eat later, like they do in Europe.
Olé! Right.
Also, I'm gonna bring a bunch of milk.
- He's bringing milk.
- Dad, we don't need milk.
Too late, he hung up.
I'll just put the cheese - tray away till he gets here.
- Don't you dare.
Wait, I want to hear more about this tree-falling story.
And why have we never heard it? Is it super gruesome? Was Grandpa's face mangled beyond recognition? Does he have a fake face? Tell me.
Or maybe let's just respect the integrity of my interview and not talk about it, and we all quietly wait - for Grandpa to get here? - That's an idea.
No, Louise, the tree almost fell on him.
I don't know much more about it, though, 'cause my dad's not what you'd call communicative.
Because he speaks in the language of dance.
- I wonder what happened.
- Well, we'll find out soon enough, - so no need to keep - I bet it happened way, way back - in the old country.
- And you're still talking about it.
It was probably before cars or computers or juice boxes, when he was a cool, no-nonsense cop.
He was never a cop.
Well, this was before you knew him, Dad.
- Yeah, but I would have known - Bob, shush.
Sit down.
I want to hear about when Big Bob was a cop.
I Okay.
Grandpa was about to break a giant case because it involved a giant.
Word on the street was, this no-good giant was grinding up villagers' bones, baking them into bread, and selling it back to the villagers he hadn't ground up yet.
And the worst part? The bread made people sick with horrible, nonstop farts.
Wait, that's worse than grinding up people's bones? Never mind, I'm not encouraging this.
Big Bob had been given an anonymous tip that the giant was hiding out at the top of an enormous beanstalk.
So Pop Pop was on his way up to take him down.
Town.
Downtown.
So it's Jack and the Beanstalk but with cops for some reason.
- Dad, shush.
- Mm.
Big Bob searched through the cloud vine land place.
- Aha.
- Uh-oh.
- I see you.
- No, you don't.
I do, because you're a giant.
Well, fee, fi, fo, fum, you have a face, and it is dumb, Big Bob.
This wasn't the first time Gramps had busted the giant.
He had nabbed him for shoplifting, literally.
- 'Cause he lifted a shop.
- Aw, come on.
I got a bone to pick with you, Giant.
Or, rather, many bones that you crushed and baked into bread that made people sick with wild super-mega-farts.
Why?! Okay, sure, maybe I used to grind a few villagers' bones to make bread, but I gave that all up.
It was too messy and, frankly, really hard to get those bones out of all those little villagers.
We'll see.
Some of your bread is being tested for villager bones at the crime lab right now, so Ooh.
It's the lab conveniently calling me right at this moment.
Hold on.
Wait, how could he have a cell phone if it's before juice boxes? Fine, it was a landline - with a really long cord.
- Got it.
Wait a minute, it's not villager bones in the bread? It's beans? See? I'm innocent.
- Told you you're dumb.
- Okay.
Sorry, sorry.
That's what the story everyone knows got wrong.
It wasn't the giant who was the bad guy.
It was the beanstalk.
I was gonna say Mr.
Bean.
So close.
I mean, the giant did grind up some villagers' bones at some point, so kind of a bad guy.
Also, beanstalks aren't trees, if that's where you're going with all this.
They're, uh, beanstalks.
No, they're trees, and this beanstalk was the worst tree of all.
Okay, thanks.
Bye.
Hmm, it's as though someone wanted it to seem like you were behind all this to take the heat off of whoever's really pulling the strings.
So, if it's beans, where are they coming from? Some kind of bean factory? L.
L.
Bean? - What the ? Whoa, whoa.
- Huh? Aah! Suddenly, huge tendrils swoop up and grab Pop Pop and the giant, and they find themselves trapped in a crazy cage made of bean vines.
The beanstalk even grew a lock on itself, so they were totally bean-carcerated.
Beanstalk! Wait, why are you so mad? This is so much more uncomfortable for me! So a beanstalk held my cop-dad prisoner? - And a giant.
- Again, I'd be totally fine holding off on any story predictions until Grandpa actually gets here.
Tina, do you want to know Grandpa's tree story or not? Not.
I mean, not this one.
Well, I'm sorry, but that's the wrong answer.
Now, where was I? Oh, yeah.
Pop Pop and the giant were being held prisoner in a huge vine cage, guarded by the beanstalk's henchmen.
We're really doing a good job guarding.
- Agreed.
- Hey.
Why does your boss like making people fart so much anyway? None of your business, but farts are up to 30% carbon dioxide.
And plants love carbon dioxide, so you do the math.
But also, none of your business.
So what happens now? Mr.
Stalk's probably gonna turn you into fertilizer.
- Ha! - When he doesn't like you, he makes you into fertilizer.
But when he does like you, you get weekly presents.
Mostly beans, but still.
Giant, do you have anything that could help us get out of here? O-Okay, I have this one thing that looks like a toothpick made out of a villager's bone, but it totally isn't.
Ah, just pick the lock.
We hear you whispering.
Don't even think about trying to sneak out of here.
There's no way to esca Oh, they got out.
Now it was time for a super cool fight scene with flips and kicks and kick-flips! Until Pop Pop and the giant threw the henchmen off the beanstalk.
Falling ! Oof.
- Ow! - Okay.
Time to figure out how to arrest a beanstalk.
Good luck with that.
Grandpa and the giant are suddenly shoved off the beanstalk by the beanstalk! - Oof! - See? Doesn't feel so good, does it? I fell right on my toothpick that's definitely not a villager's bone.
Damn you, beanstalk.
How do we defeat you? As luck would have it, just then, a Weedwacker salesperson came by.
Hello there.
Do you have pesky weeds that you just can't get rid of? Look no further.
I have the perfect solution, the weed-demon! Allow me to demonstrate.
The salesperson weed-wacks the evil beanstalk.
Ha.
Yeah, like you could actually cut through.
- Oh, you're doing it.
- Ah, boo.
And it falls, nearly crushing Pop Pop.
Oh, uh, great.
You are under arrest.
So how many can I put you down for? Um, you know, I-I need to think about it.
I'll take one.
Do you accept bones? I mean, toothpicks? Then the whole village cheered.
The beanstalk and the henchmen went to jail, and the giant became Grandpa's partner.
For a little while.
And then, at some point, Grandpa opened a restaurant.
The end.
Wow.
Who would've thought beanstalks were such mean trees? - The bastards.
- Louise, that was a great guess of what Grandpa's tree story could be.
But I feel like that's probably not what happened.
- It is.
- Hmm.
- Well, I feel like I have a pretty great and probably way more accurate idea of what Grand-papa's tree story is.
Ooh, it already sounds accurate! Or we can just talk about something else? Like birds.
Am I right? It was a sunny day in the forest.
Grandpa was looking for a good spot - to pitch a tent.
- Gene.
- What? - N-Nothing.
But then he heard a mysterious message -on a radio.
- We can't fight them if they remain undetected.
This is their mission: to keep us from camping.
Huh.
Not sure what that's all about.
Pop Pop was confused but continued on his merry way to find the perfect camping spot.
- Found it! - Grandpa set up his tent, got out some ice cream and soda from his cooler, and made himself one heck of an ice cream float.
Which is something I assume you do when you're camping.
And then he also took out his glam-eridoo.
He was just about to start playing when Wait, they had glam-eridoos back then? Didn't you just invent that? - I buy it.
- Thank you, Mother.
So, there's Pop Pop.
He was just about to start playing when a dramatic thing happened! -Aah! -A huge pine cone - fell right next to him.
Grandpa was very startled, and he dropped his camping float, which was devastating since it had the perfect ice cream-to-soda ratio.
That camping float had the perfect ice cream-to-soda ratio.
Big Bob went over to pick up his cup and discovered - a pair of glittery binoculars.
-Huh? And when he looked through them, everything was in black and white.
These are some strange glittery binoculars.
But what are you gonna do? Grandpa looked around at all the black-and-white trees and grass and stuff, but one tree wasn't a tree at all.
It was an alien monster! What the - Uh, yeah, there's aliens.
- Yeah, Dad, don't you ever look up at the sky and wonder? Of course there's aliens, Bob.
Come on! It's just, I can't believe my dad never mentioned them.
Anyway, Grandpa can only see the alien when he's looking through the sparkly binoculars.
I got one that can see.
Yes, I'm sure.
I'm looking right at him.
And he's looking at me like, "I can see you.
" Then the alien disappears! - Can you even imagine? - Oh, my goodness.
I don't like this one bit.
Not one bit.
Quick! Follow me.
We don't have much time.
- Uh, hold on.
- Big Bob looks at the camper through the binoculars to make sure she's not an alien, too.
Okay, you pretty - much seem like a human.
- Thank you.
I designed these glittery alien-seeing binoculars.
I'm a really smart, nature-loving scientist.
I'm part of a small group of campers who picked up their alien signals.
We've been studying them, trying to learn their weaknesses.
Oh! Did you make that weird recording I heard when I first walked into the forest? Yeah.
Was it too cryptic? Like in a not helpful way? - Mm, kind of.
- Crap.
Sorry.
Aah! They're onto us! Grandpa and his new camper buddy turned around and saw a bunch of secret tree aliens coming towards them.
We should probably run in the opposite direction - so we don't die.
- I'd love to not die.
They ran for their lives, with the tree aliens close behind them.
What is this, World War Tree? Okay, so Grandpa's being chased by alien trees, and I'm 95% sure this is what happened in his tree story.
And now a little cheese break.
Uh, Gene, your story sounds a lot like the movie They Live.
Have you seen that recently? You mean, when you were watching it and you told me to go to bed but I might have come out of my room and watched the rest of it from the hallway? Someone's a Rowdy Roddy Peeper.
Getting back to the story, the aliens were gaining on Grandpa and the scientist.
Luckily, the aliens were also major klutzes, falling all over the place, 'cause it's hard to run when you're a tree.
- The ranger station! - Go, go, go! Uh, hi! Please stay on the designated trails.
Let us in, let us in, let us in! Aah! The scientist and Big Bob threw themselves into the ranger station and bolted the door.
What the heck is going on? Look, Ranger Person, we're in trouble.
The whole world's in trouble.
They're all around us and we never knew! Oh, you mean those trees that were chasing you? Look at them through these.
Holy moly, ravioli.
My thoughts exactly.
But I was more like, "Holy moly, hot stromboli.
" What are those things? What do they want? To keep us from camping so they can suck up all the resources of the forest for their own planet without human intervention.
- That's so annoying.
- Well, how do we stop them? They're controlling what we see using some kind of signal.
We have to find the source that's transmitting their signal and destroy it.
Do you know where their signal is coming from? We haven't fully figured it out yet, but we're getting close.
Yeah.
Too close.
- What? You're working for them? - Also, that's just a stick.
- No, it's a gun.
- Pretty sure it's a stick.
Don't interfere.
You can't win.
But why are you siding with them? They want to destroy the planet.
Because they promised me a sweet ranger gig in their space forest that I couldn't pass up.
Amazing benefits, and I like the hat.
It's a better hat than this hat.
Now hands up.
Come on! Sorry, i-it's hard to be intimidated by your stick.
If you used the binoculars, you'd see it was a gun.
But keep your hands up.
You're just gonna have to trust me.
Even though I lied to you earlier.
Uh, anyway, move it.
The park ranger handed over Pop Pop and the scientist to the aliens.
So here's these two troublemaking rascals.
Your secret is still safe.
And since we're talking, um, about the new job, I'd already booked a trip to Montreal before I knew about it, so if I could just take a couple weeks off early - Yes, of course.
- They've got these great bagels Psst.
Kick my backpack over to me.
I've got an idea.
Grandpa used his teeth to take out his glam-eridoo! And he started to wail! - Glam-eridoo - Huh? He played his glam-eridoo with all his glammery heart and glammery soul! At first, the aliens were confused.
Not quite sure why you thought that would help.
Oh.
Wait.
They're dancing.
Or I think that's dancing? The aliens went nuts for it, because it was incredible! Even the ranger couldn't help but move her feet to the amazing beat.
I can't help but move my feet to the amazing beat! Oh, my God.
The antennae on the ranger station is the transmitter! And the frequency of your glam-eridoo is causing it to malfunction! Keep playing! Keep playing! He played that glam-eridoo - Glam-eridoo - He made the aliens hoochie-coo - Hoochie-coo - And that evil alien signal went Kabloom! Uh-oh.
Well, now we just look like aliens.
Let's regroup and go to a planet that doesn't have glam-eridoo technology.
Wait, um, guys, can you still send me - the hat? Oh, you're gone.
- Yes! We're free to camp again! Yep.
I'm gonna go set up my tent and have an ice cream float.
- Okay.
Nice meeting you.
- You, too.
Bye-bye.
And that's exactly what happened to our dear grand-papa when the tree almost fell on him.
Actually, it was many trees.
And they were aliens.
Clumsy aliens.
Aw, Big Bob saved camping.
- Like Ernest.
- Yep.
I mean, he hates camping.
In real life.
But I don't know why I'm bringing that up.
- Gre-Great story.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, great story.
Hey, what if we all put tape over our mouths until Grandpa gets here? That could be fun.
Right, right.
Sorry, honey.
Let's all respect Tina's wishes and just wait for Grandpa to get here - and tell the real story.
- Yes.
Thank you.
- But - Oh, no.
Maybe what happened was that the tree that almost hit Big Bob knew him personally.
Yep, yep.
Great.
And the tree got annoyed with him, and that's why it wanted to crush him.
I mean, I could actually maybe see that.
- Well, not really.
A little.
- Yeah! Maybe Big Bob would go to this particular tree every day and he'd ask for stuff like apples and branches for firewood and leaves to make himself weird, funky leaf belts.
At first, the tree was like Hey, we're friends.
I love helping you out.
How you like them apples? But then the tree started to get really, really annoyed by this.
You know, I'm starting to get really, really annoyed by this.
What do I ever get? Giving Tree? More like Give Me a Break Tree.
So this time when Big Bob came by, the tree had something else planned.
Hey, uh, I'm gonna take this knife and carve my Wi-Fi password into you so I don't forget it.
Hold still.
Oh, hey, pal.
I got a question for you.
If a tree falls on your head, do you hear it? Huh? I don't know.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Let's find out ! Hi.
- Grandpa! -Grandpa! - Grand-papa! Sorry.
Y-You guys seem startled to see me.
You told me to come, right? It's just Did you let yourself in? Yeah.
The door was unlocked.
I thought you left it open for me.
I guess one of us left it open for anyone.
And we got you! Oh, uh, here's four gallons of milk from my walk-in.
- It expires tomorrow.
- Milk party! So I guess let's eat? - Yes! Finally.
- Yay! - No! No eating! Not yet! - Whoa.
Sorry, sorry.
Just I really need to interview Grandpa.
Uh, yeah, sure.
- Let's do it.
- All right.
Uh, I'll go keep dinner kinda warm-ish.
Okay, first question.
Uh, this one's got a lot of buzz around it.
What was the moment in your life that most shaped you? Oh, uh Hmm.
I guess that'd be when I went camping - and a tree almost fell on me.
- Oh, wow.
A tree almost fell on you? I had no idea.
So, tell me about that.
I mean, yeah, that's, uh, pretty much it.
There you go.
Yep.
- What? What's that supposed to mean? - Hmm? Oh, nothing.
I kind of expected you to tell that story and for it to be exactly that long.
What? A tree almost fell on me.
It didn't.
What more am I supposed to say? -Nothing.
Forget it.
-No, no.
What are you getting at? Um, I'm kinda the one asking the questions here, but okay.
I'm just saying you don't always communicate.
- Much of anything.
- Oh, Sorry I'm not a Mr.
Talks-A-Lot.
No, it's fine.
We get it.
You don't like talking.
To people.
At all.
Wow.
I'm so glad I came over here to get yelled at.
Well, you got your story out in under two sentences like you always do.
- So you shouldn't hit any traffic - I left a walk-in in disrepair.
Too late now, but I guess this interview could've just been a phone call? - Yeah.
- Yep.
Well, uh, maybe I'll just be going then.
- Fine.
Sure.
- Okay, the pasta's keeping warm in there, which is kinda the opposite of what's going on in here with the, uh, ice-cold staring going on, Bob.
Dad, hush.
Grandpa, sit.
This is my interview.
I'm being graded on it.
You came all this way.
Now, please, can we continue? - Ah.
Sorry.
- Sorry, Tina.
I'm gonna move slowly towards the cheese.
Cover me.
- No.
- That's fair.
Now, Pop Pop, the tree incident tell me more.
I'm interested in: when it happened, where it happened, why it happened, who it happened to No, I know that part And how did it shape you? Uh, I was in my 20s.
We were camping in a park I forget the name Near some trees, - obviously.
- Uh-huh.
It was night.
It was raining.
We were in the tent.
And then your grandmother went to go to the bathroom 'cause the sound of the rain on the tent made her need to go pee.
Just hearing you say that makes me need to pee.
Take a quick break? Tina's face says no.
Wait, Mom was there? You-you never mentioned that before.
I didn't? Oh.
Well, yeah.
She was there.
It was before we were married.
Aw, camping in sin.
So romantic.
Okay, so our grandma was there.
But she went to the bathroom.
- Then what happened? - I guess the winds were picking up and I heard a crack and, all of a sudden, the tent collapsed - and I didn't know what was going on.
- Wow, scary.
And it turned out, a big tree fell on the tent.
It just missed me, and thank God your grandmother was in the bathroom, or else she would've been crushed.
- That bathroom's a hero.
- What can't bathrooms do? And the way we treat them Wow.
So tell me why you think this moment shaped who you are.
Well, I'm not dead, so that's one thing.
Uh-huh.
How else? I mean, he would've been shaped like a pancake, but instead he's shaped like that.
- Thank you, Gene.
- I guess it made me think about your grandmother and, kinda, life - in a different way.
- Uh-huh.
I remember seeing her face after I crawled out of the tent.
Or what was left of the tent.
And I, uh, thought about how much she meant to me.
And, uh, I think it was kind of in that moment that I realized I wanted to ask her to marry me.
And, six years later, I popped the question.
Aw! What did she say? Uh, yes.
She said yes.
- Nice.
- I, uh, never knew any of that.
That's such a beautiful story, Big Bob.
I mean, my story had a giant in it.
Just sayin'.
You're a good interviewer.
I feel like a blabbermouth.
Yeah, Tina.
R-Really good.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Can't read my notes very well, but I'm sure I'll figure it out.
Did you say you died or didn't die? Aw! I'm so proud of my Tina.
Asking Qs and kicking "A.
" Okay, let's eat some mostly warm pasta.
- Yeah! - Yeah! Just a few more questions first.
Then we can - No! - No! - Over dinner, over dinner.
So, I, uh I can't believe I never knew the whole tree story.
About, you know, Mom and stuff.
I guess I could be a little better at, uh, sharing those things.
Also, uh, maybe I didn't want to bring Mom up and make you think about her and make you sad.
It wouldn't have.
I mean, maybe a little.
But in a good way.
'Cause we'd be talking about her.
And I could be a little better at asking you things.
Is there anything else I should ask about? Did I ever tell you about my other family? - What? - I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
I think you know all the good stuff.
And you know about the walk-in, so that, uh, brings you up to speed.
Hey, Pop Pop! Not to be rude, but there's a pretty impressive Burobu card display out here, just waiting for your eyes! Oh, and there's a five-dollar admission.
Just FYI.
And my rock Pop-Pop-ra isn't gonna watch itself! Also, the running time is about an hour, so strap in! It might actually be a little longer.
I call the good seat! If you're sitting on it, I'm sitting on you! Ow! Mom! And a-one and a-two and a - He played that glam-eridoo - Glam-eridoo He made the aliens hoochie-coo And that evil alien signal went kabloom - He made that glam-eridoo - He made that glam-eridoo He made the aliens hoochie-coo Made them hoochie-coo, hoochie-coo - Kabloom - Kabloom - He made that glam-eridoo - He made that glam-eridoo He made the aliens