Family Guy s12e16 Episode Script

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! We now return to VH1's Behind the Music: Dr.
Teeth and the Electric Mayhem.
It must've been around 1979 when Animal started snorting crushed-up pieces of felt.
It got pretty ugly.
Me had big problem before me found God.
He, like, threw me down and he said, "I hope your puppeteer has big hands, because I'm not using lube.
" Me no remember that, but me believe it happened.
I got it.
Huh, it says "Glenn Quagmire.
" But if you squint and imagine it says "Peter Griffin," it says "Peter Griffin.
" Peter, it's Quagmire's.
Take it next door.
Now, now, hold on, Lois.
Now, this poses a very difficult ethical dilemma.
Do I deliver the package to its rightful owner? Or do I open it up and see if it contains He-Mans? Do not open that box.
You know, Lois, physicists believe there are two alternate universes: one in which I don't open the box and one in which I do.
I'm not gonna open the box.
I'm gonna open the box.
Aw, sweet! It's a whip! Peter, be careful with that thing! Remember, we're renting this house.
That's depressing.
Wow, I haven't felt this powerful since I got to decide which ant lives and which ant dies.
You shall battle to the death, and the winner will be given his freedom.
Why are you looking at me like that? Peter, would you like a glass of? Oh, my God! I told you not to play God with those ants! All right, Meg, stay incredibly still.
I'm gonna whip that cigarette out of your mouth.
And maybe not slice your face in half.
Dad, I don't want to do this.
Stay still! Aah! Okay, tha-that's pretty cool, too.
Hey, Dad, that's a cool hwhip.
Aah! I thought you couldn't understand me! When a good time turns around You must whip it You will never live it down Unless you whip it No one gets away Until they whip it I say whip it Okay.
Aah! Whip it good I'm doing my very best.
Thanks.
That was way too much heat on my neck.
Ooh, a message from Joe.
Hey, Cleveland.
I just wanted to give you a heads-up that Peter has a whip, because, well, you know, given your racial heritage, it seems like something you might want to keep an eye out for.
Grape soda-gram.
I know this is very risky, but the upside is so good, I'm taking it.
We now return to The Outlaw Josey Wales.
Should we bury them? Nah, leave them for the buzzards.
I like that guy.
Oh, boy, here comes Harry.
He thinks no one will notice he got his neck done.
Hey, fellas, I'm back from that family wedding.
Hey, what you watching? The Outlaw Josey Wales.
It's a Western.
Ah.
When do the cowboys go into the tent, Different kind of Western.
Ew! What's Clint Eastwood doing with that Indian chief? Oh, they're-they're just becoming blood brothers.
"Blood brothers"? What the devil is that? Well, it's an ancient ritual where two friends intermingle their blood, thus sealing a bond even deeper than friendship.
Yes, yes.
Let's do that.
Brian, I want you inside me.
You-you don't have to say it like that.
Oh, come on, we're best friends, right? Stewie, I'm not Actually, we're even more than best friends.
I mean, we share the same home.
We've been on countless adventures together.
And, besides, you owe me, Brian.
Remember what you did to my last Halloween costume? I am going to be the cutest fire hydrant in the whole Aah! What are you doing?! Okay, your turn.
I think we should hold hands more often.
There you go, we're blood brothers now.
You happy? Actually, yes.
I mean, I really feel the bond, Brian.
I feel like we're closer now.
You know, more connected, more intertwined.
Yeah, I guess in a way we are.
Hey, are-are you blood brothers with Meg because you ate her tampon out of the trash? No, tha no, that's that's something else.
Oh, man, I could use a cold beer.
Yeah, me, too.
I just had a killer rehearsal.
I'm not biting.
Me, neither.
You forget how many scenes Tevye's in.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's this? That's our booth! Uh, uh, excuse me.
Hey, fellas.
Uh, hey, listen, this is, uh, a little awkward, but, uh, you guys are sitting in our booth.
Listen here, pencil neck.
This is our booth now, and we ain't leaving.
So, what are you gonna do about it, bitch? Look, dudes, clearly you don't want to move.
And that's fine.
We'll come back in an hour.
Nice try, wheelie, but this ain't your booth no more.
That's right, we see you losers anywhere near this booth, and we'll bust your kneecap.
We're willing to take that risk.
Shut up, Joe.
All right, I was hoping it wouldn't have to come to this, but you fellas are in big trouble.
If, uh if you could just move back like eight feet.
Is that my whip? Hey! Is that my Taser? All right, I'll just strangle him with this Hawaiian shirt.
Will you stop going through my mail?! All right, bitches, either you tuck your little wangs between your legs and waddle out of here or we're gonna beat the crap out of you.
So, what's it gonna be? Uh, I think we're gonna do the wang thing.
What the hell? Ow! Ew! What's this? You son of a bitch! You gave me herpes! What? What are you talking about? When we swapped blood! Look at my lip! It's a disgusting herpes sore! And now I have some very uncomfortable phone calls to make.
Hola.
Handy Manny's repair shop.
You break it We fix it! Manny? Manny? I'm gonna need you to take me off speakerphone for this.
Stewie, that's crazy! There's no way I gave you herpes.
Then how do you explain this?! I don't know.
You're a gross slut.
Look, it-it can't be my fault, Stewie.
I don't even have herpes.
Oh, yeah? Let me see! Hey, hey, hey! What are you doing? Stop it! Ugh! Oh, my God! Look at you! You're more herpes than dog! Okay, fine! I admit it.
I gave you herpes.
You bastard! You knew you had herpes, and-and you still agreed to swap blood with me! Relax, it's not that big a deal.
Not that big a deal?! It's a disgusting, unsightly, unsavory disease, and it lasts for life! Yeah, but, you know, I mean, isn't the worst thing about herpes just the stigma? I mean, like, what if it wasn't called "herpes"? Like-like, what if it was called "boppo," huh? Oh, I got a little boppo.
Oh, that's cute.
Ah, I want boppo.
You know, my uncle was in the Army, and he got genital boppo from a Saigon whore Shut up! Just shut up! You should be ashamed of yourself.
I mean, look at me.
And on the same day I'm supposed to help with my friend's wedding invitations.
So, I was thinking, I know they're kind of overused lately but your colors should be, like, yellow and gray.
You know, I've always been against destination weddings, but it's nice to finally see Denver.
And now, The History Channel presents The Guy who Lived In-Between the Hatfields and the McCoys.
I'm just going to get my mail.
And I'm not going to ask who killed my daughter.
It's water under the bridge.
I'm just getting my mail.
Aw, what happened? I couldn't see.
I have no idea.
The TV is, like, directly over my head.
All I can see are the spider veins of alcoholics wearing shorts.
What? I said Huh? All I can see is What? You can't see what? I can only see What? Damn it, Peter! Ow! Joe, what are you trying to say?! Eh, it doesn't matter.
I just I hate sitting at the bar.
I wish we had our old booth back.
Well, what are we supposed to do? Fight those guys? They would've kicked our asses.
Peter's right.
We just got to accept the fact that, well, we're we're kind of cowards.
I know.
Yesterday, I even went Cowards Anonymous meeting.
Hello.
My name's Cowardly Lion, and I'm a coward.
I'm afraid of small dogs, girls with pigtails, flying monkeys Wait-wait, th-there's there's flying monkeys? That's a thing? Sure.
They got sharp fangs, claws God, they sound terrifying! Wait, you think so, too? Yes, and fear is a logical response to actual danger.
Huh.
I guess you're right.
Hey.
I'm the Rational Lion.
So, guys.
Whew, what a morning.
By the time I got done with my pubes, I just didn't feel like shaving anymore.
Hey, Charlotte.
That's very cute, Stewie, but if I let you dress up like Héctor Elizondo, I have to let everyone.
Oh, my God! Your mouth looks like the underside of a boat! Good Lord, nobody wants to be near me.
This is lonelier than a Kennedy family reunion.
Where is everybody? Oh, yeah, they're dead.
All right, flight attendants, please prepare for crosscheck.
I'm not crosschecking anything.
I heard what happened to you at The Drunken Clam.
I'm not doing what you tell me to do.
I'll do what he tells me to do.
I was in the military for 30 years back when that meant something.
I don't deal with gay people.
See? Him I respect.
Hey, Bonnie, you want to fool around? I bought one of those crippled-guy robot suits from Avatar, so now I can be on top.
No, thanks, Joe.
I heard about what happened at the Clam, and I'm not interested in having sex with a quarter of a man.
Hey, I'm half a man! Not anymore.
Fine.
Well, I'm gonna go sleep on the couch.
You need something, Joe? Yes, Elton, I'd like to sleep on the couch.
All right, Joe.
Come on.
Love lift us up Where we belong.
Hey, Chris, your mom's done with the laundry.
Can you help her fold? No, but you know what? You put on her bra.
I-I don't want to.
Well, you're gonna.
Everybody heard about what happened over at the Clam and how those guys made you their bitch.
Um, okay.
That's right, you wuss.
In fact, the way I see it, I'm the man of the house now.
Which means there's gonna be some big changes around here.
It's not very comfortable, Chris.
My back kind of hurts.
I'm just staring up at the ceiling.
Shut up! I promised changes, and I delivered! We now return to Bryan Cranston Sneezes.
Thank you.
Um, Rupert? You know how we promised never to lie to each other? Well, I lied earlier tonight.
It's not a burn from Dunkin' Donuts coffee.
It's herpes.
You should get yourself tested.
Hey, Stewie.
How long have you been there? Long enough to know you have herpes and do weird stuff with your teddy bear.
Yeah, no, he does weird stuff.
I-I just don't stop him.
Yeah, well, I just wanted to let you know you're not alone.
Oh, yeah? How so? Good Lord! You've got herpes, too? This house is like backstage at a Whitesnake concert! Not only that, but I also got it from Brian.
We're blood brothers, too.
You you are? Yup, he knew he had herpes and he didn't say anything.
Maybe he was mad I gave him fleas.
I don't know.
That bastard! Well, we need to teach him a lesson.
He's a menace.
Like that coked-up giraffe at Studio 54.
Yup, yup, people are watching.
I'm that good.
Are you Donna Summer? Why, yes, I am.
I just want to thank you for helping me reach a state of cocaine-fueled Robert Mapplethorpe? Can I put this fire extinguisher someplace interesting and take your picture? I would love that! Um, uh, Meg, can you, um can you please pass the milk? Shut up, Dad.
Okay, okay.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'll shut up.
What?! She-she's right, Lois.
She's right.
I-I don't need milk.
I'll just moisten my cereal with spit.
Mmm, mmm, good spit.
Peter, what the hell is going on? Please tell me this isn't still about how you punked out in front of those guys at the Clam.
Oh, God, you're angry.
I'll clean the dishes.
Peter, stop it! Are are you crying? No! Oh, this is insane.
Peter, I want you to march down to the Clam right now and get your booth back.
Oh my God, Lois, you're right.
If they see me crying, they'll have to give us our booth back.
No! I'm saying you got to go down there and take it back.
Like a man.
Yeah.
I mean, I mean, yeah! I am going to the Clam and I'm getting my booth back.
And, Meg, you're gay.
No, I'm not.
You like guys, right? Yeah.
Yeah, that's called being gay.
Hey.
Uh, hey, Kevin.
You, uh you smell like a rabbit, buddy.
Did something just happen with a rabbit? I'll go get my dad.
Listen, you guys.
I think we're all suffering from what happened down at the Clam.
Yeah, I had to start taking pills so I'd stop thinking about it.
Quagmire, that's a Cialis.
That's right, I'm not thinking about it anymore.
I'm thinking about that couch.
Well, I think we gave up too easy.
We need to march back down to the Clam and take back what's ours.
He's right.
We need to sit up to those guys.
No way.
You want to get yourselves killed, that's your business, but I'm not going.
Fine, me and Joe will go without you.
But just know you're letting us down.
We're supposed to stick together.
Like goatee guys at a barbecue.
Do you mind if I stand next to you while we eat standing? No problem.
Hey, let's go grab some good beer even though we brought the bad beer.
And these two barbecue scumbags formed a lifelong friendship until their deaths at the ripe old age of 52 in separate ATV accidents.
You know, I'm so glad you finally agreed to go out with me, Jenna.
Me, too.
I'm having a really nice time.
You seem like a great guy.
Yes, thank you, we'll take the table in the corner, next to the herpes dog.
Oh, hey, Brian.
And who's your date? Wow, you must be such a good person to knowingly go out with a herpes-riddled dirtbag.
Ew! I'm sorry, Brian.
I-I've got to go.
Damn it, you guys! Her dad's really rich! Wow, you weren't kidding.
Yeah.
Hey, you bums! If you bastards want our booth, you got to go through us to get it.
Smells like this guy's already wet himself.
Don't flatter yourself.
That was from this morning.
Oh, man, this is gonna be fun.
Yeah, and there's only two of you losers.
Where's your skinny friend? Right here.
Quagmire! You came! Sure did, Peter.
Thanks for calling me skinny, by the way.
I realized you were right.
If we don't stand up for ourselves now, we'll regret it for the rest of our lives.
And this might be the stupidest thing I've ever done, but Oh, now you're gonna get it.
Whelp, I'm out.
Aah! Hey! That was my pool cue.
I brought it from home.
Oh, sorry.
It screws together.
And I even have this special little case for it.
I-I feel bad now.
I Aah! Hyah! Hey, that was my Pawtucket Patriot sign.
I brought it from home.
Okay, now I'm starting to doubt everything you said.
All right, guys, I know this looks desperate, but I've got this can of spinach.
Aah! Aw, God, it's all watery.
Aah! You know, I almost said "no chairs" at the beginning.
Haven't you guys had enough? Why don't you just admit you're beat and get out of here? Okay.
No! Never! We will never stop fighting for this booth.
This booth is my home.
I was born in this booth.
I was married in this booth.
My children were all conceived in this booth.
Hell, I witnessed every significant historical event in my lifetime right here! I was in this booth when the Challenger exploded.
Oh, my God, no! I was in this booth on 9/11.
Oh, my God, no! I was in this booth when President Obama was elected.
Oh, my God, no! So, if you want this booth, you're gonna have to pry it from my cold, dead hands.
Why are we even bothering with these idiots? We're shipping out to Afghanistan tomorrow.
You guys are soldiers? It's our third tour of duty.
If I could touch my own head, I'd salute you.
With his head, I salute you.
Everyone, I declare this to be These Three Guys Day.
And not These Three Guys Day.
I can't believe I have to root for Afghanistan now.
Ah, damn it! Stewie! Chris! Yes, Brian? You hacked my Facebook account! Oh, yes, we actually just changed your profile picture.
Aah! Damn it! Look, enough, okay? What the hell do you guys want from me?! I want to drive your Prius to the end of the block all by myself.
That's it? Yes.
Okay.
Yay! That's, uh that's way past the end of the block.
Yeah, his room's empty.
I don't think he's coming back.
Huh.
Well, what about you? I want to go on a date with Neve Campbell so I can give her a nice ladle of Stew.
What? How am I supposed to even find her? Damn it, Stewie, why are you being so vindictive? Because, Brian, for the first time in my life, I realized I couldn't trust you.
I couldn't trust my own best friend.
I I'm sorry, Stewie.
You're right.
I let you down.
I guess I guess I was just too embarrassed to admit I had herpes.
It was a rotten thing to do, and I promise I will never lie to you again.
Thanks Brian.
That's all I really wanted.
So, do you forgive me? Yes.
I do.
So, I'm gonna have herpes for the rest of my life, huh? Yeah, but most of the time, it won't even be an issue.
It only really flares up during periods of great stress.
Like your wedding day or a big job interview.
So, what would you say some of your weaknesses are? That that-that's probably one of them.