Family Guy s12e17 Episode Script

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! You shower with your dog every day.
Do you and your dog use the same soap? If so, one of you is damaging your hair.
Really? Dial Cross Species is specially formulated for both humans and dogs.
You'll like that it gets you clean.
He'll like that it smells like beef.
That sounds great! Jim, are you showering with the dog again? What the hell?! All right, Peter, I'm leaving.
Bonnie invited me to the shooting range.
What? Yeah, Bonnie says she goes every week.
I think next time you should bring someone else.
Now, you'll be watching Stewie, and I don't want you just to prop him up next to the TV all day.
Take him to the park.
I want him to get some fresh air.
Fresh air is bad for a kid, Lois.
Look at Michael J.
Fox.
What? I don't know.
Peter, you are taking Stewie to the park.
It'll do you good to spend some time with your son.
I spend lots of time with him, Lois.
Just last week, I took him to the doctor.
Mr.
Griffin, you're here to get your prostate examined? Yeah, this is me.
Is that your little one there? Oh, no, it's-it's just the way I'm sitting.
Ah, nothing like a day at the park, surrounded by overcompensating divorced dads.
Wow! Look how high you're going! What an amazing day this is! Is Mommy spending $2,500 a month on you? Because that's what I'm sending Mommy! Oh, my God, it's only been five minutes, and I'm already bored out of my mind.
Damn, I wish I could go to the Clam.
Aah! Well, I guess I see those guys all the time.
A clown?! Eh, well, I guess what's the big deal, huh? It's just one.
Oh, I was quite sure it was just one from the size of the car! Hello? Peter, where the hell are you? You got to get down to the Clam, man.
There's, like, Ugh, I can't.
I got to watch Stewie.
Peter, they threw what I thought was a bucket of water on me, but it turns out, it was just a bunch of confetti! Oh, man, I got to get over there! Okay, okay.
It's okay as long as I can still see him.
Okay, Stewie, there you are.
There you are, safe and sound.
Daddy can still see you.
Okay, Daddy can still see you.
Daddy can still see you.
Daddy can still see you.
That was a wink, but you don't know it 'cause it's just a eye.
We now return to Superman.
Lois, what's wrong? Clark, we all have breast cancer! The doctor says it's as if our breasts have been X-rayed five hours a day, every day, for the last three years! Oh, my God, that's terrible.
First, every woman I've ever known, and now you guys.
Ah! Boy, it was smart to wait out that thunderstorm.
Aah, it's Lois! Oh, my God! Stewie! Oh, uh, hey, Lois.
H-Hey, it's hard to hear you over the sound of joyful children in the park.
Are you and Stewie having a good time? Uh, uh, yeah.
Okay, well, let me talk to him.
I want to tell him Mommy's on her way home.
She wants to talk to Stewie.
What do I do?! Here, give me the phone.
I do a great Stewie.
Hey, Lois, it's me, the baby.
Hi, Stewie.
I'm on my way home.
Mommy misses you.
All right, cool.
Bring some beef jerky maybe.
I just bought you ten minutes.
Stewie? Oh, there's my boy.
Hey, what happened to my new friend, that kid who sort of looks like me from behind? Wait.
Where's the fat man? Well, I guess this is it.
I'm gonna die here.
I'll never get to grow old and become an across-the-country grandparent.
What is this? It's a Skype.
A Snyke? No, a Skype.
Snype? No, it's a Skype from your grandson.
Stephen? Yes! He's right there trying to say hi to you.
What movie is this? It's not a movie.
It's your grandson! My grandson is in the pictures? You did this yesterday! Don't holler at me! I don't understand anything! I'm very frightened! Wait a minute.
Stewie, what happened to your head? Oh, you're not Stewie.
I got to get you back to the park and find All right, kid, your name is Stewie, all right? I'm your new dad.
My name is Peter, and I work at the brewer NASA.
I work at NASA.
Uh, hey, Lois.
You look fat.
You should go for a run.
Peter! I'm gonna go give my baby a kiss good night.
Uh, Lois, I had an affair, and I think we should talk about it! Peter, jamming yourself into a grapefruit is not an affair.
See? There's a human baby in there.
Asleep in Stewie's overalls.
Peter, please get out of my way! Aah! Aah! Aah! Great.
We woke up the doorbell.
I think there was a mix-up at the park.
My little Stewie! Oh, Jacob! Wh-Where's your little hat? He didn't have a hat.
Oh, I am so sorry.
I just got home myself.
I left my husband in charge, which was obviously a terrible mistake.
Thank you so much.
I took a bath with the dad.
Mmm.
Oh, my baby's back home.
Mommy missed you.
Congratulations, Lois.
You passed the test.
You really do love Stewie.
Now, what do you say we all sit down and watch this Weird Al Yankovic documentary? It's called An Inconvenient Tooth.
What's wrong with you, Peter?! Lois, I'm sorry.
How the hell can you possibly mistake another baby for Stewie?! Now, calm down, Lois.
You're gonna say something you don't mean.
Oh, no, I'm not! You're an idiot! You don't mean that.
I already got a Facebook friend request from the dad.
Is that weird? Peter, I have put up with your nonsense for 20 years, but today you crossed a line.
You left a helpless baby in a public park.
And that's something only an idiot would do! I'm not an idiot.
Hey, I think there was a mix-up at the park.
We now return to The Karate Kid, with realistic human feelings.
You're all right, LaRusso! You just tried to cripple me! I hate to sound like every woman ever, but I'm depressed.
Don't engage.
Don't engage.
Why? Damn it! Lois called me an idiot.
So? So, I don't tell her all the bad things about herself.
Like how the mole on her back is changing shape and size really quickly.
Being dumb isn't the worst thing, Peter.
At least you're not two foreign guys talking too loud in the next booth.
Much sorry, friend! Man, there are no womens here.
We've got to make like '70s rock man Garrett and leave.
You said it, Belgard.
Looks like you and me will have to make hands on each other tonight.
Aah, gross! I was just playing joke at you! Ah, good one! You should be comedy writer.
Too late, friend.
I already have comedy development at CBS.
Oh, nice! CBS knows real situations I want to see for 100 episodes! Thanks.
My hysterical multi-camera show is called Wizard Robot and His Less Successful Friend.
Oh, man, you know what America wants.
All right, fine, so I'm a dumb, hot guy.
All right? There's worse things to be.
Okay, we're only gonna tackle one thing today.
Peter, maybe you need to broaden your horizons, you know? Read a book, travel.
Oh, yeah, I love traveling.
You see new things, inconvenience thousands of people.
You know what? You guys are right.
It's time to travel, to learn, to experience new things.
I've been letting opportunities pass me by ever since I was a kid.
Hey, kid, get in my van, and I'll give you some candy.
No, my mom says I shouldn't.
Hey, kid, get in my van, and I'll give you some candy.
Okay! Stella, I need you to go to Chicago on Thursday.
I can't.
This week is the Deaf Games.
Oh, my God, this has been a 12-minute round.
Why does every fight have to go to the death? Angela, if you got business traveling that needs to be done, I'm your guy.
Griffin, I'm not gonna look over there until you first assure me you've got pants on.
It's not a rule unless there's a sign on the wall.
I won that court case.
Fine.
So you'd be willing to take that trip to Chicago for the company? Yeah, you know, I was just saying I need to broaden my horizons.
You see, my wife thinks I'm an idiot.
She's always making me feel small and insignificant.
Like John Goodman's heartbeat.
Honey? My inside left boob stomach did that thing again.
You mean your heart? Um, I don't know about any of that, but I think I should eat something.
Well, gentlemen, thank you for coming.
Mr.
Griffin, I believe you have something for me.
Yes, I do, Mr.
Franks.
Terrific.
We were completely out of these tubes.
Well, thank you all for coming.
Good day.
Nicely done, Mr.
Franks.
Thanks, Chief.
Wait, so that's it? Hey, you nailed it! But I'm here till tomorrow night.
What am I supposed to do? Get out there and explore Chicago, Peter.
It's one of the great cities of the world.
There's museums, a symphony, a Lyric Opera.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Did you say "chicken fashion show"? No.
Oh.
But that-that other stuff, they all sound like the kind of things I could do to expand my horizons.
Wow.
Chicago: "The San Francisco Treat.
" I haven't felt this sense of limitless adventure since I went cave jumping.
Here we go! I told no one what I was doing today! Man, I'm, like, the fifth most attractive woman in Chicago.
Hi.
Welcome to the museum.
Thanks.
Just to be clear, I should touch everything, right? No, please don't touch anything.
Sorry, it's my first time at an adult museum.
I'm used to petting the starfishes.
Well, maybe you'd find our audio tour helpful.
You have your choice of narrators: our senior curator or Chicago's own Dennis Farina.
Hmm.
Hey there, chief.
Dennis Farina here.
And welcome to our museum.
Just so you know, I'll be eating through most of this.
Yeah.
This one.
Ah, man, that's good sausage.
Oops.
Excuse me.
Anyways, this is At the Moulin Rouge by Toulouse-Lautrec.
Uh, it's from the 1890s.
Now, he was a midge, but he painted like a normal.
Now, here is a naked chick made completely out of marble.
I got to wonder-- I'm sure you do, too-- how this thing didn't crack when they were carving out her downstairs business.
He did a great job with the vagina.
Here's a picture by this guy Salvador Dalí.
This guy, I'm telling you, was a freakin' whack-a-doodle.
Wow, who knew you could learn so much at a museum? And this is only Chicago.
From now on, I'm gonna volunteer for every business trip, and see all the great stuff that's out there.
I've been everywhere, man I've been everywhere, man Crossed the deserts bare, man I've breathed the mountain air, man I've been everywhere I've been to Reno, Chicago, Fargo, Minnesota Buffalo, Toronto, Winslow Sarasota, Wichita, Tulsa Ottawa, Oklahoma, Tampa, Panama, Mattawa, La Paloma Bangor, Baltimore, Salvador, Amarillo, Tocopillo Barranquilla and Padilla, I'm a killer I've been everywhere, man I've been everywhere, man Crossed the deserts bare, man I've breathed the mountain air, man Of travel, I've had my share, man I've been everywhere I've been to Boston, Charleston, Dayton, Louisiana Washington, Houston, Kingston, Texarkana Monterey, Ferriday, Santa Fe, Tallapoosa Glen Rock, Black Rock, Little Rock, Oskaloosa Tennessee, Hennessey, Chicopee, Spirit Lake Grand Lake, Devils Lake, Crater Lake, for Pete's sake I've been everywhere.
We now return to Janeane Garofalo and Mark Ruffalo in Garofaruffalo.
Turn it off, Chris.
I don't even want to know what that is.
Your father has returned.
Dad! Oh, Peter! How were all your business trips? Oh, exemplary, Chris.
I don't understand what either of those words mean.
One of them was "Chris.
" Peter, you seem different.
That's right, Lois; I live the life of the mind now.
My brain is awash with theorems and profundity and abstractions that I can pontificate upon at length.
Brian's a woof-cat! Peter, you sound so refined.
Are you intelligent now? Affirmative.
That means "yes.
" Does that please you? It does, Peter.
Well, it should.
After all, knowledge is the ultimate aphrodisiac.
Shall we away for relations? I'm not sure what you're saying, but let's hump! Affirmative, affirmative, affirmative Oh, my God, affirmative! Wow, Peter, that was great! It was.
Sorry I "arrived" early.
That's okay.
And sorry about the bedspread.
That was about a week's worth of arrive.
Mom, Dad, the TV's broken! Actually, Chris, I got rid of our television.
This is our new bookshelf, and I think you'll find it has more channels than any TV we've ever owned.
I want to watch The Walking Dead! Then I shall read to you from Mary Shelley's Frankenstein.
I want to watch New Girl.
Perhaps you'd like to hear about Jane Eyre, who felt quite the new girl at Rochester's Thornfield Hall.
How about Game of Thrones? Instead, I shall read to you from Game of Thrones.
Oh, finally, another reader in the family.
You know, these are some of my favorite books and authors.
Oh? What are you reading right now? Oh, boy.
Well, I'm I'm sort of between books right now.
Yeah? What was the last thing you read? He's got you on the ropes now.
I-I'm actually rereading a lot of stuff.
Yeah? Like what? Just tap out.
Uh the classics, you know? Going back to the, uh basics, really.
Words on the printed page.
Thank you, Steve Guttenberg, right? What is this, oak? Oh, I don't even think it's oak! Peter, I can't get over the way you've transformed yourself.
How'd you do it? Well, Lois, some of it came from books, some came from museums, and, honestly, a lot of it just came from travel.
Hey, excuse me, I need to rent a car.
Preferably one where the radio is stuck on NPR.
Here you go.
Hello.
It's me.
I am returning.
How was the car? Coastal and superior.
I never knew whisper-talking was so smart.
And how will you be paying for your rental, sir? I will pay you with stories of my abusive father set to dissonant flute.
I was seven when he first came home drunk.
A child should sleep on his bed, not under it.
Hey, what are you listening to? Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm learning Sanskrit.
You know, an ancient tongue can be as titillating as a young one.
Peter, what gives? Ever since you had all those business trips, you've been acting weird.
Pity a man in familiar places who yet feels like a stranger.
You you're the dick who wrote that in the bathroom! Indeed.
Being smart and cultured is so lonely.
Now I know why Oscar Wilde turned to alcoholism and bone inhalation.
Gentlemen, as they say in Sanskrit, shubha prabhatam.
You know what's weird? Shubha Prabhatam is my porn name.
What? Yeah, first pet and street you grew up on.
You had a pet named Shubha? Oh, yeah.
Old Shubha was a tough pooch.
He was feared by everyone up and down Prabhatam Drive.
You have a very weird past.
All right, if this is to be a smart family, we will have to learn not to giggle at smart things that sound dirty but are not.
Balzac.
Homo erectus.
Spotted dick.
The results have been disappointing.
I always thought spotted dick had something to do with Morgan Freeman.
We now return to Wizard Robot and His Less Successful Friend.
Aah! We're in a real jar of jam this time, Wizard Robot.
Gip-gop.
I have put too much suds in this machine for washing clothes.
And tonight is the night I meet with other members of my form twelve learning mates to celebrate the exactly two groupings of ten years ago.
Gip-gop.
Oh, excellent! The situation has abated itself.
Let us leave the room where no comedic situation will soon take place.
Wizard Robot and His Less Successful Friend.
Hi, Lois.
No, I wasn't! Oh, Brian, thank God it's just you.
You know how Peter thinks TV rots the mind.
Oh, as long as you're here, can you run some vocabulary with me? I need to know how to use these words in sentences by the time Peter gets home.
Oh, that should be easy.
Just give me the word, and I'll put it in a sentence for you.
"Anodyne.
" Uh a friend asked me what "anodyne" means.
Oh, who am I kidding? I'm never gonna learn any of these words.
I can't take this anymore, Brian, and the kids can't either.
Peter's become a nightmare.
Wait, I thought this was what you always wanted-- for Peter not to be an idiot.
Oh, at least that Peter was fun and didn't make me feel so stupid.
I miss the old Peter.
Well, we got to do something, 'cause this new Peter just sounds all wrong.
Like a pilot without a calming voice.
We've now reached our cruising altitude! If you look out the window, you'll see the Rocky Mountains! We have to get out of here! Wait a minute.
If visiting San Francisco and New York made Peter smart, maybe if we send him to the dumbest city in the whole country, it'll bring back the old Peter.
Huh.
It's worth a try.
Aloha! Is Peter home? He's pulling in now.
I sure hope Tucson helped.
Heads up, guys.
I farted on the doorstep, but it's hot on my trail.
Oh, Brian, that's a good sign.
How was your trip? Oh, amazing.
I saw a wet T-shirt contest using chocolate milk.
It was at the Tucson Philharmonic.
What else did you do? Eh, mostly just picked my desert boogers.
Oh, Peter, you're back! Thank God! We all owe that trash city a debt of gratitude.
Did you know Battleship is still in theaters there?