Big Bang Theory s12e18 Episode Script

1 Previously on The Big Bang Theory We just published a few months ago.
How did you have time to design an experiment? This whole thing is actually a gigantic accident.
You weren't even thinking about super-asymmetry? Thinking about it? (chuckles) We don't even understand it.
(both laugh) Uh, can you believe this? Doctors Pemberton and Campbell have been doing a press tour trying to take credit for super-asymmetry.
So what? I mean, no one's gonna give them credit for accidentally discovering something.
WOLOWITZ: Yeah, who remembers the guy who was trying to find India and discovered America instead? What was his name again? (chuckles) Now stop trying to steal our Nobel Prize.
You come up with your own idea.
Yeah, that's not gonna happen.
ELLEN (over TV): Have a seat, thanks for being here.
I feel the same way about you.
This is nice.
All my friends hanging out, watching Ellen.
It's like, what am I gonna do with my other two wishes? It's not nice.
She's having on the scientists who are trying to steal our Nobel Prize.
Although I will enjoy watching her expose Pemberton and Campbell for the coattail-riding frauds that they are.
That is Ellen's brand, gotcha journalism.
Yeah, you should've seen her take down John Krasinski last week.
Got him to admit he loved his wife.
It was brutal.
(shushing) All right, our next guests are a couple of physicists-- don't turn the channel.
They've been doing some viral videos online about what it's like to be in the running for a Nobel Prize.
Please welcome Doctors Greg Pemberton and Kevin Campbell.
(cheering, applause) Why does she even want to have scientists on? Uh, silly question.
Who else will give her audience causal explanations of natural phenomena? I love you, honey, but think.
So you guys have discovered something pretty amazing in the universe.
Obviously, I understand, uh, high-level physics because I'm a comedian, but (laughter) can you explain it to the audience? Well, I don't know, I'm not sure we're even smart enough to understand it.
(laughter) Look, look, the audience is laughing at them.
It's starting.
I hate to say it, Sheldon, but I think the audience likes them.
Well, that will all change when Ellen asks them how super-asymmetry explains the cosmological excess of matter over anti-matter and they panic, like Leonard trying to do a pull-up.
Hey, what'd I do? Not a pull-up.
People have been loving your videos, especially the-the songs that you've been posting.
- Oh, thanks.
- Thank you.
Uh, this may be pushing it, but I have to ask.
Would you mind singing one of those for us right now? - Oh, why not? - All right.
Come on, Ellen, they're right there.
Go for the jugular.
Let's get physicist, physicist I want to get physicist Let's get into physicist Let me hear your boson talk Come on, Ellen.
Let me hear your boson talk Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started Wait! The Earth began to cool The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools We built the Wall We built the pyramids Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery That all started with a big bang Bang! Dr.
Pemberton.
Dr.
Campbell.
Doctors Pemberton and Campbell.
Morning, buddy.
I am not your buddy.
- What's wrong? - I'll tell you what's wrong.
You went on TV and were charming.
Thanks, man.
That's what my mom said.
PEMBERTON: W-Why don't you come in and have some parfait? Yeah, we ordered it from room service; it cost, like, 12 bucks.
It's just yogurt in a glass.
I don't want your yogurt.
Then what do you want? I want you to hold a press conference where you admit that you blindly stumbled into super-asymmetry and it was really our discovery.
Oh.
No, thanks.
You know, just because we proved something by accident doesn't mean we didn't prove it.
PEMBERTON: Yeah, I wasn't trying to prove that my wife was cheating on me when I came home early one Friday, but I'm still sleeping on his couch.
I told you, you can do better than her.
Thanks.
It just hurts.
And when you win that Nobel Prize, she's gonna realize that she was wrong, you are not a fraud.
She is not wrong.
Wow, I can't believe you're siding with Linda.
Shame on you.
Look at this.
They posted another video.
It's not even about science.
They're on a celebrity bus tour.
Those are fun.
I-I went on one and saw Tom Hanks talking to his gardener.
He's even nice when you plant the wrong color azaleas.
Those guys are good at self-promoting, so what? No one ever won a Nobel for being nice.
KOOTHRAPPALI: Yeah, but if they did, do you know who would win one? Are you gonna say Tom Hanks? He picked up a shovel and helped the guy replant.
SIEBERT: Dr.
Cooper, there you are.
I just wanted to tell you not to worry about this Pemberton and Campbell publicity blitz.
Are you worried? Not at all.
Not even a little bit.
(laughs) Look, i-it doesn't matter if they have popular support, we're gonna get the scientific community behind us.
He's right, the Nobel Prize is about the work, and as your fellow scientists, we support you and Amy.
That's great, Scooby Gang.
Now, the university is gonna host a reception for you and Dr.
Fowler where we invite as many academic luminaries as we can, uh, give them a chance to meet you, hear about your work.
Uh, that's a great idea.
Uh, yeah.
Who needs to be likable when you have Nobel Laureates campaigning for you? Oh, yeah-- wait a minute.
Do you not think we're likable? That's what's great about you, you never stop asking the tough questions.
(door closes) Hey.
Kids asleep? Nope.
I've been trying to get them down for hours.
Apparently, Halley's afraid of the dark now and I can't turn on the night-light 'cause it makes Michael cry.
Why doesn't he like the night-light? Jot that down, we can ask him as soon as he learns to speak.
We can also find out what's so damn funny about birds.
(Halley fusses) I'll go talk to her.
I don't know why she's suddenly so afraid of everything.
Honey, remember, she's my child, too.
WOLOWITZ (over monitor): Hey, sweetie, I heard you were afraid of the dark.
I know someone else who was afraid of the dark once.
Your daddy, when he was in space.
(Wolowitz chuckles) And just like you, I was wearing a full diaper.
Hey, good news.
They're inviting several Nobel Laureates to our reception.
Oh, great, like who? Uh Makoto Kobayashi.
Da-- ooh.
What? Well, I may have been less than kind to him about his Nobel Prize win.
Why? I was jealous, angry and new to Twitter.
It was a dangerous combination.
Okay, so scratch Kobayashi.
Uh, George Smoot's on here.
(hisses, groans) We have a history.
Saul Perlmutter? (groans): Oh! What about Kip Thorne? (stammers) That was a misunderstanding.
I didn't know he was right behind me.
So you've alienated everyone we need to help us? Well, Amy, if I had known that someday we'd need them, I would never have insulted them.
- Well, that doesn't make it better.
- Oh.
Well, it's also not true.
(door opens, closes) - Hey.
- Hey.
Oh, that's cute.
Did Halley draw that at preschool? I drew it.
Well, good night.
It's supposed to be an astronaut.
And I'm supposed to be living on my own at this age, but here we are.
Halley was scared and Howard told her the sweetest story about when he was in space and I thought I could turn it into a book for her and Michael.
Oh, well, I mean, I am an artist.
Uh, i-if you want, I could do the drawings.
Really? That'd be amazing.
Yeah, it'd be fun.
And a, a nice change of pace from what I usually draw.
What do you usually draw? Well, good night.
(device chimes) - Someone texting you? - Uh, no, I just met my exercise goal for the day.
By doing the dishes? Hey, you have your goals, I have mine.
- Hello.
- What are you two doing? Mm, just finishing a workout.
What's up? Do you have any cookie dough? Uh, I think so.
Let me see.
Yeah, we've got, uh, chocolate chip and oatmeal raisin.
Oatmeal raisin? I know at least two things wrong with that cookie.
It's for the Nobel Laureates.
We need them on our side, but unfortunately, Sheldon No.
"Unfortunately, Sheldon" that's all you got to say.
Well, that's-- so you need these people's support and you're sending them baked goods? Yeah, they're pretty smart.
Don't you think they're gonna realize it's just a bribe? No, you'd think, but sometimes brilliant people can be painfully oblivious to social cues.
Thank you for pointing that out, Sheldon.
Anytime.
"Sheldon Cooper"? Hmm.
"Sheldon Cooper"? (scoffs) Pass.
"Sheldon Cooper.
" Aw.
Ugh, oatmeal raisin? Ugh.
(phone chimes) Oh, it's from Saul Perlmutter.
(gasps) He sent me a picture.
Ooh, let me see.
Oh, he arranged the cookies to spell out "thank you.
" Sheldon, that word isn't "thank.
" (knock on door) Hi.
I got you a surprise.
What-- Oh.
(chuckles) What's the occasion? I heard you tell Halley that story the other night, and I thought it was so sweet that Stuart and I turned it into a book.
The Frightened Little Astronaut? That looks just like you.
Look how tiny and scared you look.
And the best part is, Stuart showed it to a publisher friend of his, and they're interested in it.
- That is so cool.
-Absolutely not.
Why? Because I don't want the whole world to know I was the frightened little astronaut! Maybe you should've called it The Bitchy Little Astronaut.
You want to tell me what's going on? Is my distress that obvious? Sheldon, please don't take this the wrong way, but when you're quiet even for a second, something's wrong.
Well, it's true.
The fact is, I feel really bad for Amy.
Well, we all do.
But just for fun, why do you? Well, she didn't do anything wrong, but she's paying for my mistakes.
Wow.
What? No-- I'm just honestly impressed.
When did you start caring about other people's feelings? Well, I laughed when Amy got a shock from the broken Christmas tree lights, so it was after that.
So none of them are coming to the reception? I don't think so.
Okay, what did he say that was so insulting? (sighs) Well, he may have suggested there was an inelegance to the quadrupole normalization of Smoot's data.
Damn.
See, sometimes I wish I could invent a time machine, so I could go back and prevent myself from acting so rashly.
Or moving forward, you could think before you speak.
I suppose so.
But the time machine thing is probably more likely.
My problem is that I don't always know when I've gone too far.
Well, uh, if you like, I could try to help you out.
You know, and maybe let you know if you're crossing a line.
Oh, you mean, like, with a code word? Sure.
How's "shut up"? That's perfect.
People say it to me all the time, no one will suspect.
- Hey, got a minute? - Sure.
What's up? Uh, Bernadette said you weren't crazy about the book.
No.
(chuckles) It's great.
I just don't want anyone to ever see it or read it or know it exists.
But this could be really good for me, you know? Finally get my artwork published.
And-and come on, it's a, it's a cute story.
Oh, easy for you to say.
No one's gonna think you're a coward.
Are you kidding? The other day in the comic book store, a balloon popped and I threw up.
Can't you just take my name off it? No, uh, the only reason the publisher's interested is 'cause a real astronaut wrote it.
Well, look, what if we made a few changes? Uh, sure, yes.
- What-what do you have in mind? - Well, nothing major.
But see here on the cover, where it says "frightened little," what if, I don't know, it didn't say that? So, it would just be The Astronaut? Yeah, you're right.
That doesn't quite pop.
What about The Brave Astronaut? See, that's got some zip to it! Okay.
And here on this page, where I'm crying.
What if, instead, I'm punching a meteor into the sun with my bare fists? So you have superpowers? I like the way you're thinking.
Professor Thorne? Dr.
Hofstadter.
Uh, you know my wife, Penny.
- Sure.
Hi.
PENNY: Hi.
(laughs) Uh, we wanted to talk to you about Dr.
Cooper.
Now, before you say no No.
Well, then, after you say no.
No.
Okay, look, Sheldon's a pain in the ass.
But Dr.
Fowler's really nice.
So if you average them out-- math you got someone who's okay.
(stammers) But more than the person, the Nobel is about the work.
You should understand that more than anyone.
Yes, because of your work on gravitational waves.
You know my work? I do.
But I'm-I'm really hogging this conversation.
Leonard? (clears throat) Just give them a chance.
Uh, science has a history of difficult people.
Look at, uh, Newton, who was a jerk to Leibniz, and Leibniz, who was a jerk to everyone.
Yeah, you know, and I don't need to tell you that gravitational waves are disturbances in the curvature of space-time.
Or that the-- Hey, you worked on the movie Interstellar? So what do you think? I think if you were in space without a shirt on, you'd die.
Oh.
No, I am wearing a shirt.
It's just skintight, so you can see my pecs.
When did you get pecs? Yesterday, when I made Stuart add them.
Howie, what I liked about the other story was that it was real.
I mean, nothing in this actually happened to you.
(chuckles): So, it's a children's book.
I mean, cats don't wear hats.
And if someone gives you green eggs, it ends with you on the toilet trying to make a deal with God.
But the real story was so sweet.
The little astronaut was afraid, but he still went to space, and that's what made him brave.
(scoffs) But in space, the other astronauts made fun of him, and that's a thing he doesn't want to relive.
I get that.
I guess it would just take a really brave man to put an embarrassing story like that out into the world, just so it might help some frightened children not feel so alone.
Wow.
That is quite the guilt trip.
Are you sure you're not Jewish? I'm just a wife that is so proud of her husband, and doesn't think that he has anything to be embarrassed about.
- Oh.
You're sounding less and less Jewish.
Hey, we just heard that you're the ones who convinced the Nobel Laureates to come.
- Thank you.
PENNY: You are welcome.
You guys deserve this.
Yeah, now get out of here, go talk to some smart people.
- Wait a minute.
- Yeah, sorry.
Sometimes I forget you're smart because you're so sexy.
- I can see that.
- Yeah.
Dr.
Cooper.
Dr.
Fowler.
I was just telling Professor Arnold how you came up with super-asymmetry at your wedding.
It's a wonderful story.
Ha, it really is.
I wouldn't say it was the highlight of the wedding, because I've been told not to for reasons I don't fully understand.
Uh, but what he does understand is how the universe works, and that's what's important.
Not what comes out of his mouth.
(laughs) Uh-oh.
I haven't been to a lot of parties like this, but what does a physics rumble look like? - Kind of like angry chickens.
- Hmm.
Or-or-or-or like, uh, when-when puppets fight.
Dr.
Cooper, Dr.
Fowler, good to see you.
What are you doing here? Professor Smoot invited us.
- We're Facebook friends.
- Smooty! Well, this is our reception, so go away.
SHELDON: Actually, Amy, I think we should let them stay.
Please, enjoy yourselves.
Try some pigs in blankets.
And yes, that is the plural.
- Great.
- Thanks.
What are you doing? If they stay, everyone will see that their grasp on super-asymmetry is tenuous at best.
Oh.
That's clever.
Yeah, I don't just know the plurals of things, Amy.
Is this gonna be a problem? Mm? No, no, no.
We have a plan.
Uh, Dr.
Campbell and Pemberton, settle a bet for Dr.
Fowler and me? We were just discussing, under what conditions the radiative corrections to super-asymmetry could cause time variation of alpha E.
M.
? AMY: I say active galactic nuclei at cosmological distances show a part per million deviation.
Dr.
Cooper says this has been disproven recently with quasar observations.
What do you think? I agree with you.
Good answer.
Hey, uh, if we haven't said it before, we just want to say thank you.
Yeah.
We couldn't have proven super-asymmetry without you.
Wait-wait.
You all heard them say it.
They didn't do anything.
- Sheldon.
Shut up.
- Yeah-- Well, that's rude.
No.
Shut up.
Oh, the code word, thank you.
You know, it's strange.
A few months ago, nobody paid any attention to us, and now all of a sudden, we're getting all these accolades.
Yeah, have-have any of you ever felt like maybe you didn't deserve it? Leonard, there's something I need to say.
- Shut up.
- Okay.
It's crazy.
We conclusively proved super-asymmetry, and yet somehow we, we still feel like imposters.
There should be a term for that.
Oh, for crying out loud, there is a term for that! It's called "imposter syndrome" and you don't have it! Because you can't have it if you are imposters, and you are! We're the ones who discovered super-asymmetry! So if anyone's gonna feel like they have imposter syndrome, it's us, because we're not imposters! They are! You're imposters and you're frauds! - Is that what I would've sounded like? - Yeah.
Yikes! "Once upon a time, there was a little astronaut who was sitting in a rocket waiting to go to space.
" MAN (over radio): Three two one WOLOWITZ: And while all the other astronauts laughed and joked, he stayed quiet, because he had a secret.
He was scared.
He had another secret, too.
He was only pretending to be scared to trick the alien king.
Ha-ha! BERNADETTE: Howie.
Fine.
There was no alien.
(chuckles) There was a bossy wife, though.
We'll get to her later.