Family Guy s12e18 Episode Script

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! Good evening.
I'm Tom Tucker.
Tonight, the conclusion of our three-part report on bestiality at the aquarium.
But first, our top story: A local boy dies after playing video games for 51 hours straight.
He was playing Halo; now he has a halo.
Just kidding.
He was gay.
Look at that.
Big deal.
Stayed awake for 51 hours.
That's nothing.
Yeah, I've flown back-to-back Australia trips that were longer than that.
I never sleep.
Something's been beeping in our bedroom for three years.
Bonnie won't look for it, and I can't find it.
Hey, I got a fun idea.
Let's bet on it.
I can stay awake longer than both of you.
Yeah! Let's do this! You in, Peter? Oh, hell yeah, I'm in! You guys don't know nothing about staying up late.
I used to pull all-nighters when I worked for that lesbian carpet-cleaning company.
Lesbians have regular carpets, too, you pervs.
When you're done with that, can you help me plug the hole in this dike? I'm kind of a Jack-of-all-trades.
Hey, help me fix this gash.
Somebody's been having scissor fights on this thing.
All right, let's get some ground rules down.
No closing your eyes and pretending you're thinking.
Peter.
Peter! I was thinking! Hi, boys.
I baked a fresh batch of cookies for your slumber party.
Hey! It's not a slumber party, Lois! Yeah, get out of here! Just leave the cookies and go.
Okay.
You boys have fun.
We will.
Just go! Geez.
Ah, I'm already bored.
What should we do? Hey, let's prank-call Cleveland.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah! Brown house.
Uh, Cleveland? It's Loretta.
What? But but you're dead.
No no, I I faked my death to get the IRS off my back.
Oh, my God.
Does that mean I have to give back the insurance money? Who's there with you, Loretta? It+s us, you idiot! She's still dead.
Oh, you guys are more meaner than The Jerky Boys.
Ah, that was awesome.
Hey, who else has a dead wife? Mort.
Uh, I got this one.
Uh, hello? Uh shalom.
Muriel? You guys are gonna lose.
It's been 62 hours.
Joe, you're about to drop.
And, Peter, you've been hallucinating all night.
Yeah, whatever, Quagmire.
I got to go to the bathroom.
Where's your toilet? Right here, Peter.
Better cover the seat.
Oh, J/K, I'm not fancy.
Aah, leave me alone.
We are all one.
Pizza.
Pizza.
Peter.
Peter.
Damn it, Joe.
What are you staring at? Pull him off me.
Oh! Oh, my God, Joe, when did you start running? And jumping? And sky-dancing? He ain't sky-dancing; he fell asleep.
That means it's just you and me.
Yeah, and tiny Sharon Stone from Casino.
You son of a bitch.
I will go to the FBI.
I will go to the police.
Quagmire, help.
I-I don't I don't see her.
I-I-I didn't I didn't see the movie.
Peter, wake up.
I need to know if I can delete your iCarlys from the DVR.
What? Aw, damn it.
Wait, I didn't fall asleep first, did I? Oh, wha Wait, what-what-what happened? W-Wait, wait Were you asleep? Did I win? I won.
Guys, we were all so tired.
There's no way to prove which one of you fell asleep first.
Oh, yes, there is, Joe.
I got cameras in every room of this house.
There's a naked lady squatting over a cake in your kitchen.
She'll wait.
She-she knows to wait.
Well, it looks like Peter won.
And it looks like I went text message or voice mail.
All right, I won 200 bucks.
And there's a little bit of blood in my ear.
Well, a bet's a bet.
Yeah, congratulations, Peter.
What are you gonna do with your winnings? Joe, never ask me about money.
It's rude.
We're gonna go out to eat.
This is a great place, Peter.
You can tell by the laminated high school football schedule on the wall.
I'm gonna go see which lobster I think deserves to die.
Hey, Chris.
Oh, hi, Pam.
I thought you gave a great book report at school today.
Well, thanks.
All the credit goes to Slash's biography.
What a maniac.
Well, all I know is you looked cute while you gave it.
Hey, Chris.
I didn't know you knew my daughter.
Sure, I do.
We're in the same gossip group in the cafeteria at lunch.
Pick a little, talk a little, pick a little, talk a little Cheep, cheep, cheep, talk a lot, pick a little more.
Come on, Pam, we got to go before they see the tip.
I would've left more, but he messed up our order.
I'm sorry, I got to go.
I like bumping into you outside of school.
You should move into our house.
You're funny, Chris.
Hey, uh, maybe we could hang out again sometime.
You know, if you want.
I'd like that.
Ooh! See you at school, Chris.
Hey, Chris.
These on her nipples.
Kill that one.
The Hallmark Channel is proud to present Hallmark Greeting Cards Explained.
So, there's a penguin on the front and it says, "I hear you're 40.
" And when you're 40, your eyes start to go.
And then y-you open the card.
And then "happy birthday" is all blurry, because whoever opens the card is 40 and you want to give them the impression that their eyes are starting to go.
Hey, guys, there's someone I want you to meet.
Pam, this is my family.
Family, this is my girlfriend, Pam.
You know, Chris, Usher categorizes his girls into two groups: bitches he's with and bitches he's gonna get with.
So is this one you got or one you gon' get? Wait.
Jerome's daughter is your girlfriend? Chris, can I speak to you for a moment privately? I voted for Obama once.
Dad, if this is about Pam Yes, it is about Pam.
And I have something to say.
Chris, she's she's not fat.
What? I-I figured the day you came home with a girl, we'd have to back her through the garage.
A little further, little further.
Little further Whoa! Whoa, whoa.
Okay, all right.
Now, do you prefer "Fatty" or "Miss Boom-Bi-Latty?" So, you don't mind that Pam is black? Chris, it's 1998.
Actually, Dad Peter Griffin does not see color.
Now, let's go see your mom's done listing all the black people she's ever seen on television.
Flip Wilson, John Amos, Diahann Carroll, that monster that plays tennis.
So, I saw Chris is dating Jerome's daughter.
Looks like they've had some pretty hot dates.
Don't, uh don't look at my kids when they're off doing their private lives.
Hey, there's my new brother-in-law brother, now.
Griffin, you and me have to talk.
What's up, blood? Nobody's dating nobody.
You understand? Oh, don't worry, Jerome.
I already gave Chris the sex talk.
It's awesome.
Peter, you don't understand.
I don't want Pam dating a white boy.
What? Jerome.
You're a racist.
Black people can't be racist.
We can be way sexist, but we ain't racist.
Sure, black people can be racist.
They gave Michelle Pfeiffer such a hard time.
She didn't pick that school; they sent her there.
Coolio had her back.
Look, I think if you got to know us better, you wouldn't have any problem with your daughter dating one of us.
I'll date her.
Look, why don't you and Pam come over tomorrow night, a-and you'll see that white people are even better than black people.
Peter.
Y-Y-You know what I mean.
They-they're equal.
Separate but equal.
Peter.
Just equal.
All right, we'll come to dinner.
But I want you to know I'm very skeptical about this whole thing.
Oh, that's okay.
Hey, listen, I was skeptical about traveling to Mexico.
I took one step outside the resort.
Thanks for having us to dinner, Mrs.
Griffin.
Oh, my pleasure, Pam.
Yes.
I, for one, say this is long overdue.
It's about time people of color broke bread at this table.
Broke bread? W-What? Who are you, St.
Francis of Assisi all of a sudden? Jerome, you have done a wonderful job raising Pam to be a lovely young woman.
You say that like you're surprised.
I-I beg your pardon? Sounds like you're saying a single black man can't raise a child on his own.
Yes, Lois, what are you saying? You know, before I speak, I like to ask myself, "Would Dr.
King approve of what I'm about to say?" Most of the time, I find that he would.
Dad, I think Mrs.
Griffin was just giving you a compliment.
Yeah, I was just trying to say we all appreciate having you in our home.
Oh, so suddenly we're all friends? Wait, w-we've always been friends.
If we're friends, what's my last name? Cool J? Where am I from? The south part of a large city? Where'd I go to college? Does it air commercials during daytime judge programs? Peter, you only got two of those three things right.
Look, I know what this is about.
You're being all nice just so your son can get into my daughter's pants.
Dad, stop it.
White guys don't want a relationship with black women-- they just want a notch on their belt.
You're a novelty to these people.
"These people"? This is the moment in the meal when I stand up! W-Wait a minute, "a novelty"? We used to date before I met Peter.
S-So what are white women to black men? A very pleasant page in our memory books.
Aw.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
You banged my wife.
She did? Huh.
No wonder I had so much room in there.
Her womb was like one of those places where they reconstruct crashed airplanes.
Look, Jerome, I-I know you think we're all terrible, but white people have done a lot of good things for the world.
Oh, yeah? Like what? Well, I'll tell you! Listen up.
We gave you Eminem And Justin Bieber, too Even though they dress and try to talk like you The music of Taylor Swift And clothing from J.
Crew And Jon Heder Also half of Derek Jeter Add to that a fleet of soccer moms Packed into their yoga tights And so for all this awesome, neat, wonderful stuff You know, you don't thank the Lord You thank the whites Thank the whites Thank the whites You know, you don't thank the Lord You thank the whites We gave you Breaking Bad And all the songs by Creed All the cast of Friends And trash like Tara Reid A virtual world of porn so you can spill your seed Ray-Ban glasses Leggy blondes with tiny asses Frisbee sports and fancy coffee, too Energy-efficient lights And so for all this awesome, neat, wonderful stuff You know, you don't thank the Lord You thank the whites Thank the whites, thank the whites You know, you don't thank the Lord You thank the whites.
You know what? That song only made me hate white people even more.
What about eight more verses? Let's go, Pam.
We're leaving.
But, Dad, Chris treats me really well.
He gave me this diamond necklace.
That's my diamond necklace! Cool it.
I'm trying to get laid.
Look, this ain't happening, Pam.
Straight up.
You ain't swervin' with him, you ain't gonna shump-a-jump, you're not hollerin' at him, you ain't his shorty or his boo.
Oh, my God, Lois, I think he just summoned Candyman.
You're a fool.
I was hoping they'd be darker.
God, I miss Pam so much.
I don't think I can live without her.
It's okay, Chris.
Hey, here's someone your type.
Whoo-wee, Chris! You're cute! Stewie, that's Log Cabin.
Uh, h-he gets the joke.
I'm sorry, Chris.
Jerome just doesn't think his daughter should date a white guy.
Black racism is the biggest problem facing this country today.
You know, I should go over there and fight for Pam.
Absolutely you should.
You should always fight for what you believe in.
Like Patrick Henry.
Give me liberty or give me death.
Oh, that was easy.
I know, right? Ryan wanted to give him liberty.
You do the paperwork, Ryan.
And now the HBO original series, Boys.
Hey, sorry I slept with that girl you liked.
Eh, it's cool.
Did you walk around naked after you had sex? What? No.
No one wants to see that.
Isn't this time in our lives so interesting? No.
Griffin! Where the hell is my daughter? She left me a note saying she ran off with Chris.
Oh, my God, Chris? That dirtbag hangs around my daughter, too! I don't have time for your nonsense.
I got to find my daughter.
Look, let me help you! I'm great at finding stuff.
Last night, I found Lois's G-spot.
No, he didn't! I didn't know she was home.
I was able to please her in other ways, though.
No! Okay, let's just go.
My dad's such a jerk.
I'm glad we ran away.
Yeah.
So what do people do in motels? They get naked.
Okay, but all I know about sex is from Internet porn, so I'm very excited to try buffering.
Then I'll leave you alone to get undressed and under the covers, and I'll be right back.
Hey, I'm trying to sleep and urinate here.
Do you mind using the other bed? Sorry.
I was the cousin in Vacation.
Yeah, I know who you are.
How do I look? Oh, God.
Are we at that part of the relationship? You look fine! Pam, this may come as a surprise to you, but I am not an experienced lover.
Don't worry.
It's my first time, too.
Wow, I guess everybody has a first time.
Even Maverick from Top Gun.
Thank you, pretty lady! So, all those other black drivers that you're nodding at, do you know them? Ah, man.
Look, relax.
We'll just tell him the truth.
We're cruising around town looking for a sexually active You have any idea how fast you were going? I was going the speed limit, Officer.
He was.
Are you here against your will, sir? If you're asking if I'd rather be at the zoo, then yes.
Maybe you step out of the car and we see if you've been drinking.
I'm too fat to be in the car by myself.
The police pull me over for made-up violations all the time.
You don't know what it's like to be treated like a criminal.
What's it like? Bad.
Whoa.
I've never broken a law in my life, Peter.
I'm a 42-year-old man, I own a business, I pay my taxes, and yet I got to deal with this crap every time I step outside my house.
Makes me so damn angry, I don't know what to do with myself.
Well, you should be like me.
Whenever I get angry, I go do some Footloose dancing.
You can never, never, never, ever, never, never Never, ever hide your heart Don't ever, ever Ever, ever try I'm also thinking about ice creams.
Don't give Peter, you seem like a nice guy.
I don't mind having you in my bar, man, but it's different when it's your baby girl.
I guess.
I just have boys.
Forgive me for being a protective father, but white people have exploited and mistreated blacks for centuries, and I'm not gonna let that happen to Pam.
Wow, we've driven 55 miles with the gas light on.
Hold it right there! Dad! Jerome! How did you find us?! We didn't.
You just told us.
You okay, honey? Dad, I'm fine.
Don't worry.
Nothing happened.
I tucked it between my legs as a joke and then it got stuck.
Look, I'm sorry, Chris, but we got to respect Jerome's wishes.
Now that I understand what he's been through, I realize he's a good man who has reason to be a little suspicious of Whitey.
Thank you for understanding, Peter.
Jerome is right.
White is white, black is black-- got to keep the races completely separate.
That wasn't exactly my point.
Chris, from now on, I don't want you talking to any black people.
How the hell am I supposed to get through airport security? We'll figure it out.
It's the least we can do for Jerome.
Isn't that right, Jerome? Is that the lesson you want me to learn, Dad? No, baby.
You know, Peter, maybe I did overreact.
Just 'cause I've experienced some hard times doesn't mean this generation can't teach us a thing or two.
All right, if these kids want to date, then I guess that's okay with me.
It takes a man with a crazy big hog to admit when he's wrong.
Thanks, Peter.
Hey, Jerome, you want to help me kill Randy Quaid? Who?