King of the Hill s12e18 Episode Script

Oops! I dropped my latest issue of Street and Smith.
And it completely by accident opened to page 47.
Street and Smith? Well, don't be stingy with it.
Hand it over.
"Top 25 Texas Middle-School Quarterbacks To Watch.
" Oh, my God, Joseph's on the list.
Well, all right, Dale.
Dang 'ol way to go, man.
I like Joseph.
Wow, a "listed" quarterback.
This is great news.
With Joseph leading our team, Tom Landry may finally have a shot at a winning season.
And I will be commended for having spawned such a superior athlete.
People will point at my loins and say, "Job well done.
" Denton has taken quite a beating, thanks to Tom Landry quarterback Joseph Gribble.
That boy sure grew an arm this summer.
Longhorns win! That's my son! I made him! Heck of a game, Gribble.
Nice job.
Boy, if the rest of the season's like this, I may start carrying Joseph's picture in my wallet.
Afternoon, Mr.
Gribble.
Mike Gilstead.
I'm a recruiter with Spencer Academy.
Ooh, private school.
Snazzy.
What brings you to our little government-funded establishment? Well, your son, actually.
We think Joseph would be a great addition to our football program.
Really? Why don't you give me a call sometime? You're not actually considering this, are you? It doesn't hurt to listen.
Plus, he gave me his card, Hank.
I'm pretty much committed at this point.
I present the first victory loaf of the season.
If Dale listens to those private school people, this'll be the only meat loaf we eat all year.
And I love your meat loaf, Peggy.
This is terrible! Joseph's my best friend.
If he leaves now, what'll I do? I can't finish our wall of gum alone.
Bobby, you can find a new best friend.
A winning football season is once in a lifetime.
Impressive campus you've got here.
For future tours, might I suggest a golf cart or a little train? So, what did you think of our library, Joseph? Big, huh? I like that there's lots of places where people can't see you.
Let's just cut to the chase, Mr.
Gribble.
Joseph is a star.
We want to build our football program around him and his talents.
And all you have to do is say yes.
Joseph, could you step outside? The grown-ups need to talk.
You know, I'm hearing a lot about what's in it for Joseph.
What I'm not hearing is what's in it for me.
Ooh, olive tapenade.
Compliments of my friends at Spencer Academy.
That's not cheese in that basket, it's payola.
That school is trying to buy you off.
Uh, nobody's "buying" anybody, Hank.
They're simply offering Dale's Dead Bug a 100-year, pay-upfront, no-spray contract.
It's completely aboveboard.
Dale, I knowhow confusing it can be when someone sends you gifts and pretends to love you.
But are you sure this school's right for Joseph? Are you suggesting he stay at Tom Landry? 'Cause their offer was crap.
Dangit, Dale.
This isn't about what you can get out of the deal.
It's about the best school for Joseph.
Shouldn't he have a say in where he plays football? Are you really concerned about Joseph or just a Tom Landry fan who wants to say, "We're number one!"? Uh I still think Joseph should have a say.
Fine, he can decide.
I've raised him well.
I have no doubt he'll make the most profitable choice.
A bottle of champagne and two glasses.
Which one of us will Dale choose? Not you.
My press conference thingie's tonight, and I haven't decided what to do.
I'm all nervous.
I've got stomach flies.
Well, you can't leave Tom Landry.
Great stuff like that happens all the time! I know.
My dad wants me to go to Spencer, but all my friends and all the stuff I like is here.
It's so complicated.
Joseph, if you're still on the fence about Tom Landry, let me sweeten the pot.
You see this key? It opens every door in the school.
Every single door.
Please.
Please stay! This is Nancy Hicks-Gribble reporting live from Captain Bear's, home of the ten-pound pizza, where star quarterback Joseph Gribble is about to make his announcement.
Spencer or Tom Landry who will he choose? Uh, how you doing there, Carl? Not good, Hank.
Not good.
Hush.
Shh.
Hi, I'm Joseph.
Uh, my head's been full of thinking the past few days.
There are many decisions to be made about my future.
My football future and the future of my brain.
So, uh, in conclusion, that is why I choose Tom Landry.
Yes! All right! Nice choice, son! Luckily it's not about what Joseph chooses, because he's just a dumb kid who doesn't know any better.
I'm his father, and I say we're going to Spencer Academy! So, are you excited about your first day of new, fancy school? I guess so.
Come on.
You get to play football, there's some academic perks I can't quite remember.
It's gonna be fantastic! 'Morning, Joseph.
Ready to dig in? Not so fast, Mr.
Grabby.
We have some business to attend to first.
Ah, yes, the exterminating contract.
I have your check right here.
Eh, we're gonna do this nice and slow, Mexican standoff style.
Comprende? Easy Easy Sha! 'Morning there, Sam.
Tucker Mardell, I'd like you to meet Dale Gribble and his son Joseph, our new quarterback.
Glad to have you aboard, son.
I'm tired of getting our butts kicked by Our Lady of Something-or-Other.
Mardell, huh? Any relation to that building over there? Wow, dude, do you live there? No, but he did generously donate the funds to have it built.
You bought a whole building?! I went here, and my boy goes here.
Spencer Academy has been good to us, so it just seemed right to be good to Spencer.
Well, listen I've got a date with 18 holes.
Dale, if you're not doing anything I'm never doing anything! See you later, Joseph.
Gentlemen.
Wow, Dale, you could be on top of a wedding cake.
What's the occasion? I'm going to a gala.
That's what we "Spencer families" do.
We gala.
Look, it's bad enough you stuck Joseph somewhere he doesn't want to be and screwed up Tom Landry's winning season.
Can we not hear about your stupid party? Gala.
Hello, neighbor! I hear your delightful son is attending prestigious Spencer Academy.
You heard correctly.
Maybe you could write a letter of recommendation for Kahn, Jr.
You know how to write, don't you? Of course you do, you big Spencer family! But just in case, I typed up a little something.
Make your mark here.
Did you see the way he was kissing up to me? I will never get tired of that.
Holy crap, this is fancy.
Dangit, I knew you should've worn that fox stole I made for you.
It was squirrel, Dale.
And it was creepy the way you had each one biting the tail of the next.
Dale, Nancy, so glad you could make it.
This is my wife, Ashley Rae.
But my good friends call me Mitzi.
And I can tell by your hair, we're gonna be good friends.
Come on, let's get you a drink in that hand.
Doug Diamond, Charlie St.
Clair, say hello to Dale Gribble.
You're Uncle Chuck of Uncle Chuck's Breakfast Meats.
Your picture's on my sausage patties! Oh, that's my dad.
He founded the company, but I run it now.
And somedayl'll pass it on to my son.
Unless he's still a vegetarian, then I guess the girl gets it.
Wow.
You gave your son a building, you're leaving yours a sausage factory.
All I've got to give is my fatherly advice, which is shoddy at best.
Hey, y'all! I'm Kaydee Taylor, Chairwoman of the Fundraising Committee.
Congratulations to us for funding our new performing arts center! But now we need some flowers and benches to make it look pretty.
So it's time to dig deep, people.
I'll kickin for the flowers.
Put me down for a fountain.
I'll buy a bench! For my son Joseph! Nice, Gribble.
Cohiba? Oh, I could have danced all night.
You know, that was a lot of money just to have your name on a bench kids are gonna carve curse words in.
Nancy, all these rich guys do things for their kids.
I never thought of that before.
Joseph's fine.
He doesn't need anything, sug.
Sure he does.
Look at him.
If he can succeed in their world, Joseph could have his name on something better than a bench.
Maybe a stadium or a country.
Imagine it, Nancy "Josephistan.
" Dude, what is that thing, a spleen? No, a cherimoya.
It's a fruit.
We should totally burn it! One time, I lit a banana Or, or you could just eat it.
Hell, I never thought I'd hear myself say this, but I can't wait for football season to be over.
And I bet Coach Kleehammer feels the same way after last night's game.
I cannot believe someone in the stands threw a car battery at him.
So anything good happen at school lately? I didn't want to rub it in, but we did have two fire alarms, and Ramon got one of his crazy nosebleeds.
Man, I miss that place.
Joseph! There you are.
What are you doing playing with the neighbor kid? You mean Bobby? Whatever.
One of your Spencer friends just called.
A bunch of the guys are going out on his dad's boat.
Did you hear that, Hank? My boy's going sailing with rich people.
Don't care.
I don't want to go, Dad.
Those guys are always talking about weird stuff I don't know like summer camp in Europe.
Just fake it.
Say the churches are beautiful.
Your future is depending on this, Joseph.
You need to be on that boat.
And if you get seasick, I want you to swallow it and smile.
Okay.
Another silent auction? What are we doing here, Dale? I don't even know what we're raising money for or against.
Joseph's not fitting in because he doesn't have anything to talk about with those Spencer kids.
Love the boots, Katie! So we need to bid on a fancy, rich-person thing for him to do and then discuss.
So, what are we bidding on, a little father-daughter tennis clinic? Uh, my wife and I are bidding on the trip to Brazil.
A gift for our son.
He's turning two.
That's sounds perfect for my son as well.
Imagine him speaking Brazilian to all his friends at school.
Let me just outbid you here.
Well, that was rude.
Stop it! This trip is mine! You're wasting ink, pal.
I can do this all night.
I've had enough of you and your pen! Out bid this! What are you doing, sug? We can't afford this! But Joseph needs We're not rich, Dale.
Hey.
Wherever you just came from, thank you for not inviting me.
I failed, Hank.
Joseph's not fitting in.
Our meager uncouth backgrounds are just too much for him to overcome.
Have you ever thought that maybe Joseph just doesn't belong at that school? Of course, he does.
He has to! Joseph will have a better life if he's part of that world.
Come on.
You've seen Annie.
Well, you know, Dale, a better life means different things to different people.
You need to think about what's best for Joseph.
You're right, Hank.
I know what I have to do.
Joseph? I'm supposed to live with you now.
What the heck is Joseph doing here? I don't know.
His dad just dropped him off.
The occupants at this address are not home.
Please leave a message.
Dale, Tucker Mardell again.
Joseph's here.
Don't know why.
We'll feed him dinner, but could you come get him soon? My son! Dad, can you pass the corn? Uh, why'd you call me "Dad"? Myreal dad told me to call you "Dad.
" I guess you're my brother now.
Want to wrestle? Okay, let's drive you home.
Joseph.
Be strong, Gribble.
Dale, I brought your son.
I don't have a son! Go away! Huh.
Your mom will be home soon, right? Great.
See you later, son.
I mean, not like you're my son, but, you know, "son" in the gen Oh, hell, forget it.
Just stay.
You're still here? No! Go back to the rich people! But Dad It's for your own good! Get! I miss you, Dad! You'll forget me soon enough! I can't remember what you look like! I'll always be in your heart.
Now go! Go, my beautiful son! Dad?! Uh, hey, Joseph.
Everything okay? My dad won't let me in! Oh.
Uh, want to come over till your mom gets home? Okay.
Oh, Dale! You scared me, sug.
Nancy, I have something to tell you.
I am a husband and an exterminator, but above all, I'm a father.
And it's my responsibility to provide the best for my child.
That is why I've given away our only son, our precious boy, to be raised by rich people.
What are you talking about, Dale? I just saw Joseph at the Hills'.
What?! He can't stay with them! They're worse than us! Dad? Joseph? Oh, Joseph, I miss you so much! Look at you.
You grew out your hair! I'm sorry it didn't work out with my new dad.
It's okay, son.
It's over now.
You're back home, and I'll never let you go again.
I'm glad.
Go on to your room.
We kept it just the way you left it.
I'm so happy Joseph's back.
Our house is alive again with the pitter-patter of his giant feet.
And I made a decision.
I'm pulling him out of Spencer Academy.
Way to go! That's great news, Dale.
'Course, when Spencer finds out I took Joseph and spent their bribe money, they're gonna be angry.
Looks like the Gribbles are going into hiding.
That can't be your answer to everything, Dale.
But these are powerful people, Hank.
I can't cross Mardell Steel or Uncle Chuck.
Who knows what they'd put in my breakfast meats or drop on my head? Why don't you just pay them back? I'll give you the money.
Then Joseph could come back to Tom Landry, and you won't have to burn off your fingerprints.
I will, too.
Cross-country is the only gotdang winning sport Tom Landry has right now.
I'd pay anything for that not to be true.
Yeah, man, dang ol' anybody would, man.
That's it! I'll fund-raise my way out of this! If the people at Spencer taught me one thing, it's that if you serve food, you can beg for money.
Thank you all for coming today and being so loose with your wallets.
Because of your generosity and overwhelming desire for a winning football season, my son will be returning to Tom Landry! Longhorns! Fellas, having a good time? You bet.
This party's got my two favorite things: Barbecue and Joseph back at Tom Landry.
Yep, it's a good day to be a Longhorn, I tell you what.
It sure is.
I can't remember what you look like!