Family Guy s12e20 Episode Script

Hey guys, can I share something with you? Sure.
Yeah.
Go ahead.
Well, you know how I don't ever brag about my sexual exploits.
That would be an accurate statement, yes.
Well, last night, Bonnie and I got really kinky.
She painted my toenails.
Wha? You serious? Check it out.
What the hell is that?! Nail polish.
No.
The foot.
It's a child's foot, Joe.
Wha I-I don't you-you were crippled when you were an adult.
How the hell did? Yeah.
A few months back, I got really drunk and was playing around with an elastic band.
I wrapped it around my thigh and forgot about it for a week or two and uh, yeah, so, that's my left foot now.
I mean, it still works the same.
Oh, yeah, sure.
Still a foot, I guess.
Whassup? Oh, hey, Cleveland.
Hi.
Wait, don't you have a show to do? Oh That's right.
All right.
I knew this was coming.
Everybody give me your best shot.
Oh, my God.
Where do I even begin? You know, it's not a good sign that this is the first time a lot of people are realizing you had a show.
Your logo was stupid.
It looked like a big, purple penis and your ratings blew.
We did about the same as Bob's Burgers.
That's your bar!? Oh, shame on you! This is good.
This is constructive.
The talking bear was so bad, Seth MacFarlane quit voicing him after season two.
It's hard to make a talking bear funny.
It worked out okay in movie form.
What was supposed to be the show's audience? Who did you make it for? Like, some black guy who's never met another black guy? Anything else? Yeah.
Here's four seasons worth of DVDs of what we've been up to.
You know, just so you're back up the speed.
And I'll warn you ahead of time: these have jokes in them.
I I don't have a DVD player.
It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
Sorry, Mort.
I-I hate to do this.
What What's happening? They want me in the line.
Well, where do I go? Home? Okay, but I still get paid for today, right? I I wouldn't know.
You need to talk to Marla.
Sorry.
You okay? What do you care? All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! It'll be nice having Cleveland back across the street.
Why? I think a lot of times you only say things because they make you sound good.
You know, Cleveland, it must be weird for you guys to move and not 'cause of a hurricane.
Oh, Lois, I'm so glad to see Peter and Cleveland back together again.
Yeah, me too.
Now Peter will have something to do besides flushing the toilet to Foghat's "Slow Ride.
" Peter, what are you doing in there? Nothin'.
Slow ride Take it easy Slow ride Peter, you're wasting tons of water! It's not a waste! And we need a faster toilet.
'Sup, man? Yeah, yeah, "sup.
" Keep walkin', you Boondocks rip-off.
Home, sweet Huh?! This house is a disastrous area! I can't move my family in here.
You're right.
Well, we'll all have to do our part.
I'll take little cocoa butter here.
What the hell happened? Well, a lot of people rented your house.
Uh, Ryan Reynolds, Chevy Chase and Dan Aykroyd For a while, it was an orphanage where the children sang desolate songs.
We're too old to ever be adopted No one wants a nine-year-old.
Shut up, you bastards! I really appreciate y'all helpin' me fix up my house.
Yeah, no problem, Cleveland.
Hey, where do you want me to put all these giraffe figurines? Just spread 'em out.
Don't make any one room too giraffey.
Cleveland, where should I hang the mirror? Right about here? Maybe a little higher.
Oh, like, uh, up here? I think maybe higher.
You don't want it too high, now.
Let's get you a different job, Joe.
Are you sure? 'Cause I already hung all these paintings.
This place is shaping up real nice.
Hey, Cleveland, what's that? Oh, this is my bead door.
It looks stupid.
Why don't you walk through it? How do you feel? Awesome! Like a suitcase comin' out of the airport.
Yeah, or like a bug walkin' through Stevie Wonder's hair.
Turns out this old house is lacking in storage space, so I gotta make some tough decisions.
You gonna keep these neckties? Yeah, throw 'em in my car.
They're just to keep my trunk closed what if I'm ever haulin' garbage.
I ain't no lawyer.
I use whatever for my purposes.
Could be a box spring.
Could be a old radio.
Could be a more recent radio Wait, now I'm confused.
So so some of this stuff isn't trash? Like this old computer monitor? Nah, that's a sittin' chair, what for children.
How about this telephone cord? That's a pet leash.
If the good Lord decideth we should have one.
I'm gonna go ahead and ditch these promotional McDonald's cups from the 80's.
Nah, that's all we drink from.
That's the Riddler right there.
He would make inquiries to set your mind a-jumble.
How do you live in a house with all this junk? I'd rather stay in a house with small kids.
So you can sleep on the couch.
Uh, please take the potty seat off the toilet, don't try to pee through it.
There's juice boxes in the fridge and if you get hungry, there's plenty of Goldfish in the couch.
Um, feel free to watch TV with the sound off.
And the kids will be down here first thing in the morning to antagonize the dogs.
Oh, and everyone here has pinkeye.
"And that was the moment I stopped being Dwayne Johnson and started being The Rock.
" That's a good place to leave off.
Hey, I just realized.
We're The Rock! What do you mean? Together, you and I make one biracial wrestler.
Do you have any folding chairs? No.
That's all right.
I'll use this.
Folding chair! Ow! DONN What was that?! That was my great-grandma's vase! On the drive up from Virginia, she kept that vase 'tween her legs.
W-What are you doing?! Making sure you learn your lesson.
Ow! It hurts! It hurts! I can't believe Japanese men pay good money for this.
At work, I am important businessman.
Here, I am bad boy! We now return to The Gay Bachelor.
Ew, they're all gross! I'm keeping the roses.
Mom! Mrs.
Brown spanked me! What?! And you still haven't pulled up your pants? Chris, what happened? I was playing with Rallo and I broke a vase and then she gave me a spanking! Uh, I believe the term is "whuppin'", Chris.
God, look at the size of that handprint.
It's like Doctor J.
Peter, this is serious! A woman hit our child! What is wrong with her? Whoa, can I get some white bread on that judgmental sandwich? Brian, why are you bringing race into this? Lois, I've spent my life trying to keep race out of things.
That's why whenever I walk into Lids, every guy fist-bumps me.
Oh, you're full of crap, Brian.
I'm just saying, Lois, some of us go through life without seeing color.
That's because you're color blind, Brian.
You're right.
I am color blind.
Here and here.
Hey, remember when you swallowed that rib-eye bone and you couldn't poop it out? And then you pushed real hard and the poo came through the rib eye hole? Peter, we gotta go over there and talk to Donna.
All right, but you need to cool down first, Lois.
Find a way to channel your anger.
What I do is throw a shot put into a crowd and make it look like an accident.
I forgot to make it look like an accident.
That woman is gonna be sorry she laid her hands on our son.
Hello.
Hi, j-just so you know, this is sort of Lois's thing.
I-I'm not really upset about it.
So go ahead, dear.
Donna, what gives you the right to spank my child? It always smells like the same meal over here.
I hit him for a reason.
He broke my vase.
And maybe I wouldn't have to discipline your child if you did it yourself! Oh, please! The only thing kids learn from spanking is adults don't have the patience to teach them.
Bull honkey.
What?! I don't spank, and my children are very well-behaved.
Oh, yeah? Your baby's on the roof right now.
Stewie! You get down from there this instant! Munch me, bitch! Right now, Stewie, or you're in time-out! How many gray pubes you pluck today, you old bag? Your time-outs are a joke.
You're a terrible parent.
I'm a terrible parent?! You're a child abuser! You know what? From now on, I don't want our families having anything to do with each other! Well, Cleveland, looks like these two little alley cats have scrapped it out.
I'll see you tomorrow.
That includes you, Peter.
I don't want you ever talking to Cleveland again.
And Cleveland, I forbid you from ever talking to Peter again! Hey, Lois, look! I'm smoking! You can't control dick! I'm a roof baby now! So we're making plans for Susie's first birthday party.
Oh, that's good bar talk.
Hey, y'all.
.
Oh, oh, uh, sorry, Peter, I'll I'll get outta here.
No, no, no, no, I'll go.
I'll go.
It's okay.
What's goin' on? You guys touch pee-pees or something? I wish.
No, our wives got in a big fight and banned us from seeing each other.
So what if they're in a fight? What does that have to do with you? Well, I gotta live with Donna.
Uh-oh.
There she is.
Oh, no! Peter, quick! Change pigments! That was close.
Peter, we can't risk seeing each other.
But, Cleveland, you and I are pals, and I just got you back.
Well, there might be one solution.
We just got to hang out where there's no chance we'll be seen.
You know, keep it a secret.
Then that's what we'll do.
'Cause I can't lose you again, Cleveland.
I'm closer to you than I am to my own right hand.
Oh, my God, you like scrambled eggs, too? Here, go ahead, have some.
Whoa, that's a big bite there.
Slow down, buddy.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! He's choking! Thanks for coming.
Thank you Thank you Thanks for coming.
Why you thought it was appropriate to show up here, Cheryl, I have no idea.
Are you sure this is the best solution, Peter? I just figured a plane is a safe place where you and I can hang out and not be seen by our wives.
Oh, that makes sense.
So, what have you been up to? Yup, sorry, Cleveland, I'm gonna have to cut you off there.
Whenever I ride on a plane, I have to put on my noise-cancelling head phones.
Leaves me alone with nothing but my thoughts.
But I don't want to kill all these people! I don't care about the alignment of the dark forces! Leave me alone! I love my wife Donna.
I wish she and Peter's wife got along better.
That's why we're on this airplane.
I'm Cleveland.
Ah, dang it! Do you have any idea how fast you were going, sir? Peter?! Hey, Cleveland, this is just so we can talk without getting spotted by Lois and Donna.
I need you to step out of the car, sir.
Peter, there's got to be a better way He's got a knife! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Sorry, Cleveland, it's got to be authentic.
Ow! Ow! Stay down! Stay down! Cleveland, try to grab my gun.
Oh, trying to grab my gun, are you? Ow! Ow! Hey, rookie, save some for me.
Wow, the whole gang's back together.
Shut up! We don't need you in this town! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! We don't need you in this town.
Oh, oh, oh, hi, Lois.
You were with Cleveland, weren't you? No! Then what were you doing? I'm, uh I'm having an affair.
That's ridiculous.
It's not ridiculous.
It's Cybill Shepherd.
She's attainable for a guy like me now.
Peter, enough lies.
I know you were with Cleveland.
Until further notice, you can sleep downstairs.
Aw, man.
I wonder how it's going for Cleveland.
Cleveland, Get in here! And pull your pants down! At least turn me over to my back side! We now return to "Slightly Too Early Comedy Club Audience Member.
" Not like when Clinton was in the White House, huh? When Clinton was in the White House, all you needed to vote was a piece of duct tape and a Yes, yes! But things are different with the Republican majority.
They're totally in the pocket of the oil companies.
I mean, the President of the United States might as well be Amen! Why not? Why not, right? But I guess it could be worse.
The other day, my wife asked me if her ass looked fat in her jeans.
And I'm like, "Honey" Oh, no! Wow.
Wow! Dad, what are you doing down here? Eh, your mom's making me sleep on the couch 'cause she caught me hanging out with Cleveland.
How about you? Mom's making me sleep in the basement.
Sleeping lower in the house is a big punishment for her.
Well, this isn't working.
I can't keep sneaking around trying to hang out with Cleveland.
Maybe you could figure out a way to get Mom and Mrs.
Brown to be friends.
Yeah, you know, I bet I can.
I mean, I'm the guy who figured out how much eye contact a band should make during a guitar solo.
Yeah, we're in sync, and showing others how much we love the song.
Okay, okay, time to turn away now, Vince.
Come on, we got a lot of song left! Turn away! Look at something else! I'm glad you didn't listen.
Chris is right.
I got to do something.
All right, Cleveland, nothing bonds women together like having to take care of invalid husbands in the hospital.
What? Don't die! Oh, Cleveland, I'm gonna hate those Griffins forever.
Only my side had airbags.
Peter, what are we doing here? Well, women will always band together to stop an offensive art exhibit from coming to town.
So I've arranged for all my photos of baby wieners to be put on display.
Oh, Peter, I'm gonna have to call the police on this.
What? Why? It's to get our wives back together! Peter, these are hundreds of naked babies in suggestive situations! And they're time-stamped as far back as 1998, which is way before we had this idea! I need help! All right, Cleveland, one thing that always bonds women is healing an abused animal.
So I got us an injured bald eagle.
Somebody put cigarettes out all over him.
Peter, that's a symbol of our country.
This particular eagle is a dick.
Everything out of its mouth is a taunt.
Peter, you're being ridiculous.
And you need to release that eagle out into the What'd that eagle say? Lock the door.
Peter, let's just give Susie her gift, eat our cake and leave.
I don't want to be here with that Brown family.
That sounds even more racist than it is.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you The Great Quagini! Hey-ey, everybody! There's the birthday girl! Oh, oh, what's that behind your ear? Oh, it's a condom! Quagmire, please stop touching my baby with a condom.
And for my next trick, I'm gonna split my beautiful assistant in half.
And not the way you think.
Won't be needing this.
Okay, time for the three-legged race.
Pair up, everyone.
All right, Peter, let's do it.
You're my three-legged race partner.
No, Lois, I'm not gonna be your partner.
What?! I'm gonna be partners with Cleveland.
Peter, I told you And I'm telling you, Cleveland and I have won every three-legged race in Quahog except that time those two one-legged guys formed the perfect running person.
Cleveland, what do you think you're doing?! Peter's right.
We're friends and that's that.
This whole fight is ridiculous.
Now, let's go win a race with no prize.
On your mark get set go! Did you see that? My dog had a gun.
How are we doing?! Are we beating anyone? I waited too long to pick a partner.
Oh, my God! Peter, are you okay? I'm down! I'm down, Cleveland! Go on without me! Save yourself! No, I won't leave you.
We started this race together, we're gonna finish it together.
I'm gonna carry you, Peter! Oh, my God, Peter.
I-I can't pick you up.
How much do you weigh? I don't know.
My car can't go up hills, though.
Well, then there's only one solution.
Hug and roll! Boy, those fools sure do love each other.
Yeah, I I guess they do.
You know, Donna, they've known each other a lot longer than we have.
That's true.
And if we're gonna be neighbors, we're gonna have to learn to set aside our differences.
Friends? Friends.
Mrs.
Brown? I want you to spank me again.
We're gonna win! We're gonna win! Not so fast.
Damn it! You know, Cleveland, I got to say, it's great having the old gang back together again.
Well, it's great being back.
To Cleveland! To Cleveland! To Cleveland! To me! You know, not a single person stopped watching 'cause you left.
He doesn't have the guts to say anything back.