Bob's Burgers s12e21 Episode Script

1 Hey, new T-shirt I bought with my own money.
You ready for your big debut? Giddy-yup.
Tandy walks into school wearing a T-shirt with a cool graphic on it.
Damn it.
Stupid gum.
Tandy.
Tell me about it, stud.
Stud, like a horse? I got chills ♪ - They're multiplying ♪ - Kids! Breakfast! Okay! What, this old thing? - Just kidding.
It's new.
- It's not inside out, like your shirt sometimes is, so that's good.
I love it, hon.
But, uh, no buying stuff for yourself anymore.
Seriously.
Your birthday's coming up.
So stop it.
I can't believe you can afford to buy a T-shirt and bring your brother and sister to get boba today after school.
You can still afford to bring us to boba today after school, right? - Right? - Business is babysitting and, baby, sitting is booming.
So boba day is on.
It's fine that I always pay for it.
'Cause that means more punches for this guy.
Uh, yeah, I have my own punch card.
- No big deal.
- Give me, give me, give me.
With the purchase of a tenth boba, we're eligible to receive a free extra large super boba-ly boba with extra boba balls.
And I don't know if you know this, but extra large is huge.
- Makes sense.
- Thank you.
- Extra balls! - Gene.
Oof.
We stayed up too late last night.
Well, that's your fault, Father.
We wanted to go to bed like good children, and you were like, "No, watch more movies on TV with me.
" - Mm.
- And you insisted we not finish our homework! - You stayed up? What'd you guys watch? - The end of Grease and the beginning of Blade Runner.
The theme of the night was "these are two movies that are on.
" Is Blade Runner good for kids? - Oh, not at all.
- I like when robots look like robots, not like Rutger Hauer in his prime.
WALL-E is more human than all of you! I like when robots look like the Terminator and they are the Terminator.
I like the movie where the robot just has a face and the rest of her is silver.
Best of both worlds, right? So it's settled we'll all marry different kinds of robots.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Did you find out what Tina wants - for her birthday? - No, I forgot.
Let's work it into the conversation now.
- Um, I can hear you.
- You hush.
This is all your fault, getting older.
What do we get you for your birthday?! And take us to boba! In sports news, the Wagstaff Whalers chess team played some other school, and I think they lost.
So, that's a bummer, but, also, it's fine.
- Hey.
Jimmy Jr.
- What? Hi.
I just wanted to make sure I wasn't distracting you or anything, with my new shirt.
- Huh? Oh.
That's new? - Shh! This is important.
and I walked by and I smelled it and it was gross.
And now for our new segment Wow or Weird, where we look at stuff that people are doing and tell you if it's wow or weird.
And, yes, it's totally news.
Jocelyn? Callie's new nail polish wow.
Jason's eggplant sandwich that he brought from home - Weird.
- Tammy's new braces wow.
Oh, my gosh, really? Okay.
Jocelyn's new laugh - Wow.
- How about Tina's horse shirt? - Mm, weird.
- Yeah, weird.
- And that's the news.
- That went really well.
- So well.
- Guys, what the heck? Tina, we're having a meeting.
We looked really good.
So good.
Pretty great day - so far, huh? - Yeah, we had customers and everything.
I don't even mind cleaning the bathroom.
Not it.
- Oh, you're doing it.
Great.
- Aah! - What? What? What is it? God, I thought you fell in the urinal again.
Look.
"Bob's is crap.
" - What the ? - Someone ate here and wrote on the wall - that we're crap? - It's just some dum-dum.
They don't even know what they're writing.
Pooping can make people do crazy things.
The texts I've sent I'll go get something to wash it.
It's on there good, isn't it? What kind of pen is this? Ugh! Ugh! Bathroom wall! Ugh! Hi, kids! How was school? Your father's in the bathroom, scrubbing something off the wall, and he's totally fine.
Well, uh, Tina's totally fine, too.
No one said anything not nice about her new shirt, and so we're here, instead of getting super boba with extra balls.
- Extra balls! - Those jerks! I hope whoever said something about your shirt sits on a fork.
With sauce on it.
So it hurts and it stains.
Tina, why don't you go upstairs and do something nice for yourself? Eat crackers in the bath.
That's what I do.
It gets a little mushy in there, - but it's nice.
- Okay.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'm depressed, too.
- Can I get out of working? - Uh-uh.
- Oh, fine.
- Mother, may you never feel this kind of pain.
And don't bring up childbirth.
No.
Judgy.
In a dark, drizzly, dystopian future, the Wag stell Company will make human-like bots to do manual labor.
Amidst this drudgery, the bots occasionally find small ways to express themselves.
It's nice but also risky.
Because their every move is watched and judged.
Ow.
I'm okay.
I need your coat, your shoes and your bike.
Oh, you're a mannequin.
Or a woman-equin? I like your hair.
Hello there.
Nice night to do human stuff.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hello.
Uh Oh.
Whoops.
Come in.
Sit down.
Care if I talk? I'm kind of nervous when I take tests.
Uh, please, don't move.
This thing is, like, so hard to set up.
- Oh.
Sorry.
- Okay.
You're in a desert, when, all of a sudden, you look down and see a tortoise.
- Tortoise? What's that? - Do you know what a turtle is? Totally.
Do you know what it is? Yeah.
You know, they have the shells and they sort of stick their heads out like Right.
Turtles.
You reach down.
You flip the tortoise over on its back.
The tortoise lays on its back, beating its legs, trying to turn itself over, but it can't, not without your help.
But you're not helping.
I'm sorry, can you start again? I was thinking of something else.
- Oh, my God.
- I'm kidding.
I heard.
- Shall we continue? - Sure.
Just adjusting something under the table.
Don't even worry about it.
Well, the eye thing is off now, so I got to fix it.
Yeah, yeah, go ahead.
I'm just dealing with a different thing, not a weapon pointed at you.
Okay.
Focused.
Now, describe only the good things that come to your mind about your mother.
- My mother? - Yeah.
Let me tell you about my mother.
Tina! Breakfast! Gene, uh, was there something you wanted to say? About Tina? Oh.
Uh, just how much I love her.
Me, too.
I love her so much.
And have you noticed that she's gorgeous? Please stop saying you love Tina so she'll take you to boba.
It's unrelated.
Yeah, are you scared of feelings, Father? Tina, honey, look at me.
I'm gonna say birthday present ideas and you just smile at the ones that make you happy.
Books.
Arts and crafts.
Poster.
Nice bottle of wine.
Mom, I'm sorry! I don't know, okay?! Okay, okay.
Bob, you got to help me here.
Sorry.
I'm a little preoccupied about, you know, how Bob's is crap.
You're not crap, Dad! Whoever wrote that about you is crap! And we should flush them down the toilet! Mother, Father, you're upsetting her.
This is not the time! Tina, look at me now.
Boba? Yum, yum? Boba, boba, boba, boba, boba, boba.
I'm going to school.
You blew it.
And now the smash hit segment Wow or Weird, episode two, "Wower and Weirder.
" Jocelyn? Teresa's new necklace that I think has a ladybug on it? Weird.
You should be able to tell if it's a ladybug.
My new bands for my braces.
Purple, anyone? So wow.
So purple.
Recess.
Shooting baskets? More like shooting bad-skets.
- Yeah.
Weird-sketball.
- Hey! At least I'm not in the news today.
And look at Tina's socks.
Kind of weird.
- Damn it! - Jimmy Jr.
's run? It's not not weird.
And the vest? More like weird-st.
- That's not cool, you guys.
- He runs like an angel! And the vest flaps behind him like-like little wings! Sorry to interrupt again, but what's your name? Butt-erd.
Jimmy Butt-erd Jr.
Hey, Butt-erd.
Aren't you done yet? We need the room.
- Also, your vest is dumb.
- Yep.
Thanks.
That's helpful.
Are you okay? I'm fine.
It's just, you know, you try something new and you're taking some chances.
I like it.
People can be so judgy.
Who needs sleeves on everything, right? Right.
This test is stupid.
Yeah? I mean, yeah.
Do you want to go somewhere and kiss each other's mouths? I didn't know if I could play.
You can't.
- No.
- Let me see if I can play.
About the same.
Maybe we're both really good? Should we kiss? You mentioned something - about that before? - Okay.
You broke the rules, Jimmy Butt-erd Jr.
You're supposed to retrieve deviant bots so they can be wiped, not make out with them while you play the piano, using your strange scales.
Zaff! My colleague and rival in the Bot Bagger division.
That's right.
It's me, Zaff.
And that bot's about to get got.
You're in a lot of trouble, too, mister.
You're busted! Mm! You think she's doing homework? Lot of heavy breathing for homework.
Yeah, it's the sexy fiction.
Hi.
Bye.
Sorry.
Okay, just real quick, jewelry? Yes or no? Listen to me, please! You don't want to bring me in for wiping! Zaff, think about what our jobs are.
Retrieving bots to be wiped and erasing all their memories, any sense of identity that they have.
I mean, thankfully, I'm a human person, so that'll never happen to me, but imagine.
Well, uh, I hate to tell you this, pal, but you're one of them.
Me? A bot? That's ridiculous.
I have all these memories of my childhood.
Implants.
They're memories from the niece of the head guy of the company that made you.
But I remember them so clearly.
There was the one from when I was a kid and I watched a spider make a web and then I put a potato chip in the web and she was like, "What is this?" Oh.
Hold up.
That's my memory.
What? Do you remember when Anneleise Doucette pulled your pigtail? Holy smokes! - Are we both bots? Jinx! - Are we both bots? Jinx! Why would they make you bots who don't know you're bots? What's the point? - Probably makes us better at our jobs.
- Wait, why? Oh Because if we knew we were bots, we'd be all like, "Hey, I don't want to get all these bots wiped.
I'm a bot, for bot's sake.
" We've got to talk to someone in the company that made us.
Someone in charge.
Yeah, that makes sense.
But, hey, Jimmy Butt-erd, you want to wrestle first? - Okay.
Ow! Ow! - I'm gonna get ya! Come on! -Zaff, that's too rough! -I got ya! Yep, yep, I got excited.
She needed to talk to someone on the inside if anything was going to change.
On the outside of the inside.
Tina, the Wow or Weird segment is student-made programming.
We're learning about freedom - of the press, I think.
- But they're being mean! That's what we're learning that they are mean.
But, really, it's only mean if you're one of the weirds.
- The wows love it.
- Ugh! They're circling kids' clothing and being judgy! That touch screen technology is pretty incredible, huh? I was surprised we were able to get that with our budget.
I feel like you're not listening, Mr.
Grant.
It's kind of the key to the segment, I think.
You can see them drawing right on the screen.
The school said, "You can get textbooks or you can get the touch screen," and I was like, "Hello! That's like asking, 'Do you want to go forward or do you want to go backward?'" And people perked up at that point in the meeting, I can tell you that.
Man, she's still in a huff.
Look at her huffin' all around.
H.
R.
Huff-nstuf.
We got to fix her, if we ever want to taste that extra large super boba-ly boba with extra balls.
And we happen to know the newsy little floozy who's winding her up.
Yeah.
Wait, who? - You want us to do what now? Mm.
- Mm-hmm.
Go on the air and talk about Tina's really great horse shirt.
No? She's interested, she's interested.
Or you publicly admit that everything you said is garbage.
- Two good options.
-Mm.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, thanks so much for sharing this feedback with us.
We'll totally take that into consideration never.
Make my sister happy, damn it! There's boba on the line! Oh, my God.
So much spit came out.
No! Not again! Gah! Whoever did this, if I catch you, I will put you in my truck - and I will - Teddy, Teddy, stop.
- Check, please.
- No one's leaving! - Teddy! - Oh, Bob.
- Dear, sweet Bob.
- What? We need to get handwriting - samples from all of them! - No.
No.
The marker might have stained their fingers.
-Like blood.
Let's check their fingers.
-Bob.
Everybody line up! We're checking fingers! None of these people have been in the bathroom.
I'm 90% sure, okay? It's actually a little strange.
That guy's had three cups of coffee.
But whoever did this is long gone, all right? This isn't over! - It's not over! - Oh, my.
Restaurants, huh? So fun.
More coffee? How's it going, Bob? Who would do this? Or is this a different person? I think I'm gonna be sick.
- Okay, so you're doing good.
- What about this? A small device not a camera That's triggered by extended contact with the wall.
- Also, it is a camera.
- Seems like no ethical issues there.
We'd just have to run a very light electrical current through the whole room.
You wouldn't want to get it wet, I guess.
Perfect for a bathroom.
I approve this plan.
Teddy, not helping.
I think I need to let go of boba, to move on, to heal.
There must be other chewy beverages, right? No, Gene.
We can't give up.
If we could just get into Tina's huffy hormonal head somehow, we could figure out what to say to make her feel better.
Hmm.
She's been up to her butt in her erotic friend fan fiction.
- Maybe we read that? - If we can stomach it.
So many run-on sentences.
Ooh, you think maybe she writes about possible birthday presents and fun party activities in those stories? Maybe I could read 'em, too.
Maybe they'll give me some ideas.
You mean maybe she wrote an erotic story about gift certificates? - Yeah.
- The only problem is she never leaves her room these days.
- She's up there now.
- Well, she has to go to school, - right? - Right.
Gene and I will skip school.
This is more important.
We're all on the same page.
Nope, nope.
You guys go to school.
I'll look.
Aw, Bobby.
You want me to go in there and write something nice? I thought of some stuff last night.
This one's good.
"Here I sit, all brokenhearted.
Bob is great and he's just getting started.
" - Aw.
- No.
Thank you.
Or maybe.
The guy from the bot company said he'd meet us here? He said it's an unpopular restaurant where no one will see him.
Sorry.
No, he's right.
Please enjoy your secret sketchy rendezvous.
Well, I've never been here before, but it seems very not crap.
All right! So this bot company guy's gonna give us some answers? That's what he said.
He said, "I'll give you - a bunch of answers.
" - And we trust him? He super-promised not to tell anybody about us being bots on the run.
Police say the bots are dangerous and also kind of weird.
- Guys.
- Oh, darn.
Well, they still have to find us.
Bots in the unpopular restaurant, come out with your hands - up! We have you surrounded! - Shoot.
Well, at least they don't have us surrounded.
Oh, wait.
Ding-dang it.
We repeat, come out with your bot hands up! You're all getting super wiped! Oops, I dead-bolted the door.
Hey, there's a bunch of cops in the back alley.
Oh.
Out in front, too, huh? Yeah, we don't know what that's about.
So strange.
Well, the windows are bulletproof, and the walls are reinforced concrete.
I put all that in.
Very reasonable cost.
Yeah, 'cause things got kind of dystopian in this neighborhood.
- You folks gonna order? - I could eat.
What if they're right? ♪ What if I'm weird ♪ And better off wiped? ♪ Front to back ♪ All my cracks ♪ What if they're right? ♪ What if the me that lives inside ♪ Is something I should try to hide? ♪ What if they're right? ♪ What if my vest is odd? ♪ Okay if I ♪ Still eat a burger if I'm a bot? ♪ I'm hungry.
Is it so bad to steer off course? ♪ And wear a shirt ♪ With a really cool horse? ♪ How do they know what I feel in my soul ♪ That I might just be poop or crap? ♪ Honey, I worry you're gettin' a little too focused ♪ On bathroom feedback ♪ I thought that we could have it all ♪ We're never gonna taste ♪ Those balls ♪ Feels like something's wrong with me ♪ And they know it ♪ They took one look my way ♪ And exposed it ♪ I'm ready to give up the fight ♪ And just admit that they are right.
♪ There is the secret tunnel.
Oh, yeah.
I forgot.
We have a secret tunnel in the basement.
If that's, like, something you're interested in.
It's for if things ever got extra dystopian.
It opens out at the end of the block.
Good if you need to run out for wine, too.
- You zip out, you zip back.
- Okay, I'm embarrassed we didn't mention the secret tunnel before.
By the way, nobody's peed in it ever.
Yep, yep, okay.
Uh, can we see it? - Cool.
- Very cool.
Wait, watch out! - No! - You're coming with us.
We're taking you to the nearest - available wiping station.
- Hey, where is that? That's, uh, Wagstell Manufacturing, Chief.
Come on! Come on, let go! Come on! - Jimmy Butt-erd! - Run! Oh, that's a lot to clean up.
I won't let them wipe you front to back, Jimmy Butt-erd Jr.
I won't let them wipe anybody.
I have to do something.
I have to do something to stop them.
It's kind of the key to the segment.
You can see them drawing right on the screen, screen, screen, screen That's it, then.
I'm gonna touch that touch screen hard.
With a hammer.
We have a hammer, right? Yeah.
- We do.
I guess it's hammer time.
-