King of the Hill s12e22 Episode Script

Lucky, they have baby ballerina tutus! And fuzzy hoodie jammies with bunny ears! Like a teeny fuzzy bunny baby! That's real nice, Luanne.
Why don't you buy the baby stuff my treat.
Oh, thank you.
I just need your credit card number.
Oh, I don't have a credit card.
Now, if the computer will accept cash or my word of honor You don't have a credit card? But you're a grown man.
Yes, I am.
We are going to have a baby, and it needs a normal family.
I mean, there's no grandma and grandpa, because Mama's away in prison, and Daddy's off at sea working on his oil rig.
Normal families buy things on credit cards! Then, as the daddy, I will do the righteous thing.
I will apply for a credit card.
Uncle Hank, will you check my spelling on my application? Well, sure, Lucky.
I, uh hmm.
Here, under "employer," you put Costco.
You never worked for Costco.
No, but Costco gave me the "slip on pee-pee" money for my settlement.
"Pee-pee money" is not an employment history, and look, you left your social security number blank.
Oh, I don't have one of them social cards.
Or a driver's license.
My dad always said a man's wallet should only hold cash, a razor blade and a lucky poker chip.
Lucky, is that the son of father you want to be to your child? I can see you have a point.
Problem is, I have no idea how to get any of these cards and things.
Okay, I'll help, but you have to be serious.
I am gonna make appointments for you, and you are gonna keep 'em.
Will this involve wearing a watch? Yes, it will.
Then so be it.
Well, it'll be hard work helping Lucky, but fun, too.
Just don't fix his teeth, Hank.
It's the one thing I have on him.
Which one of you fellas ordered two dozen That would be me.
Gentlemen, I'm sure you recall my long-dreamt dream of building a guard tower in my yard.
Dale, the Zoning Board has turned you down six times.
The last refusal was "with extreme prejudice.
" True, but for a structure under 40 feet, no variance is needed.
Soon, you'll live under the protection of my 39-foot guard tower.
The Zoning Board has no say.
Dale, that is No say! Now, if you help me build it, I'll give each of you a tier in the tower of power.
Oh, I want a tier! Yello? Hoyt.
Well, of course I'm fine.
Where are you? Aunt Peggy! To Arlen? Well, do you have a place to stay? Of course.
Did you know Luanne is having a baby? You will be a grandfather.
Aunt Peggy, who is it? Call when you get here.
Luanne, that was your father.
Daddy? On the oil rig? Well, why didn't you let me talk to him? Well, he only had a three minute coffee break.
They are very strict on the oil rigs.
Did you hear that, baby? Your grandpa is coming to visit you.
We were overdoing it on salty snacks, so I put out some crudites.
So, uh, Peggy, I finally get to meet your brother.
An oil man and a propane man.
Two energy professionals in the same family.
It truly is a momentous family day.
That's why I wore my good bolo tie, not the one with the skull.
My daddy and my baby daddy will be together in one room.
Now the baby will have, like heritage! There's the taxi.
I'd better get the door.
My kid sister! Look at you, you ain't changed a bit! And look at you, letting yourself into my home without my help.
Hank Hill.
It's nice to finally meet you, Hoyt.
Thrilled to meet you, too, Hank! Ooh, who's this foxy little number? Hoyt, that's your daughter, Luanne.
Daddy! Hey! Last time I saw you, you were a princess this high.
And now you're a grown-up beauty queen! So, uh, Hoyt Time for presents! This is for you, my sister.
Oh Oh! Lottery tickets! And you were kind enough to scratch them.
And here's something for this kid of yours.
My name is Bobby, Uncle Hoyt.
A doll? Peggy, I could've swore you told me you had a little girl.
Sorry, champ.
Okay, Luanne, it's for you.
I love it! Uh, Peggy? You and I need to, um, check on the roast while Hoyt and Luanne have some time together.
Shoot! That's right.
I forgot to pay the cab driver outside.
Could somebody pay him for me? Uh uh okay.
Peggy, what the hell is going on here? Your brother has not been working on an oil rig.
You are right, and I am sorry.
Hank, the truth is Hoyt just got out of prison.
What? No! Now we're a normal family.
How could you not tell me your own brother is a convict? I was trying to protect Luanne.
You know she'd be crushed if she knew the truth about her father.
But you could've told me! Look, Hoyt's had a troubled past, but he's here now, and I want to try to help him.
I don't know, Peggy.
Are you sure he's help-able? Well, he just needs good influences, Hank.
Like what you're doing with Lucky.
Well, I guess it's worth a try.
Hoyt is family, after all.
Then we are agreed.
All we have to do is fix all of Lucky's problems, reform my brother and keep his prison record a secret from Luanne Piece of cake.
Well, we're doing great on our list, Lucky.
Now, later today, we'll go see my guy about a will.
You want to make sure the right people inherit your debts.
I feel I am in good hands.
This'll put the fire out, right, guys? Here.
Have a beer with me.
Uh, it's just one, Uncle Hank.
I'll be straight when we meet your guy.
County regulations come into force if the structure's area is ten by ten feet.
So, we must be exactly nine and nine-tenths feet by nine and nine-tenths feet.
Tell you what, man, talking 'bout ol' sly fox, man.
Dang ol' meaning of "is" is.
You know, man, I Man, I miss the ol' 90s, man.
What happens to a dream deferred? Does it dry up, like a raisin in the sun? Or does it rise to a height of exactly 39 feet, teaching the Zoning Board who not to mess with? I know the answer! And soon, Bill, so will they.
So, now you're free.
For Luanne's sake, and for your own sake, Hoyt, now you have got to straighten out.
This is fantastic coffee, Peggy.
Thank you, but please stay on topic.
I will work with you to help, but the key word here is 'Work.
" That's what I am here to straighten out.
I know we can do it Together, you and me.
Hi, Daddy! And Luanne! I invited her for breakfast.
I hope that was okay.
Hey, sweetums! So, today, I'll fix a special breakfast for my special girl.
A special breakfast! Yay! Well, you two enjoy yourselves.
Daddy, I've always wanted to ask You know what, darlin'? We need some more eggs.
Can you lend me some money to go to buy the eggs? Of course! Is ten dollars enough? Can you make it more like 50? Mm-hmm.
Great! I'll be back so quick, you'll call me Quickie McGee! It's amazing.
Uncle Hank, I never dreamed that being a straight-up citizen involved so much work.
Well, here's the form you need.
And soon you'll need this.
Voter registration.
It's your magic key to jury duty.
Luanne, how was breakfast with your father? I don't know.
He hasn't come back yet.
What if Daddy got lost? Hello? Uh-huh.
Yeah, I understand.
How much? Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! Yeah, baby! See? Told you I was good for it.
You know what, Hoyt? Maybe I shouldn't bail you out.
Maybe this gentleman should just take you out back, and teach you whatever son of lesson he is teaching these days.
Maybe.
But how would you explain my busted face to Luanne? She's kinda in a fragile state; I think that might upset her.
Hey, sorry to interrupt, but since you're both here now, how about some Double Trouble? Not a chance.
Look, it's my job to ask.
My boss is standing right here.
I've defied the government, and yet I cannot be punished for it.
He wept, because there were no more worlds to conquer.
Yeah, yeah, redneck claim illegal, but there gotta be something wrong with it! Because it built by rednecks! Get out here, and don't stop inspecting till you find fault! I wonder where daddy has been all this time? Tonight we were going to look through our family photo album together.
Don't worry, beautiful.
He's probably busy making important oil phone calls.
Janine! You there?! Janine! I'm Lucky, Dad.
You're in Arlen.
Hi, Daddy! Uh, baby girl, uh, I need some time alone with your daddy, you know, to talk about father stuff.
Go to bed early, get your baby sleep.
Good idea.
G'night, Daddy! I'm a lot better now.
Here, I owe you.
See, on the oil rig, these are like money.
Dad, were you in the state oil rig, or the federal? Smart man! That means we're like family.
Say I got ten cigarettes, and you pay me ten more for watching your back.
Now how many I got? Twenty.
No, only 15, 'cause I gotta pay a tax to the guard.
Cigarette math is full of surprises.
Hey, let's go downtown and I'll buy you some pancakes.
Sorry, no, I have an appointment with Uncle Hank at the DMV.
I'm pulling rank here on Uncle Hank.
Pancakes, pancakes, pancakes! Number 56, Window C.
Ugh, dang it.
Uh, sir, I apologize on behalf of Citizen 56.
Please don't judge him harshly.
He's a good man, you have to believe me.
I promise you this will never happen again.
Dang it.
So he says, 'Wait, that ain't no chocolate cake!" You are funny, Dad.
Had to do something to pass the time.
I'm gonna go pay the check.
Lucky, it's 10:00.
Where the heck are you? Oh, no! Uncle Hank! Walk with me, Lucky.
Those two.
Hey! Get back here! Run with me, Lucky.
Sorry.
I was alone at the register, and it was open, and there were all these beautiful hundred dollar bills! Get back here! Police! Damn it! This way! Damn this state! Damn it! I have to tell you something important.
What, Dad? I've been to prison more than once.
And if they find me with all this money, that's strike three and I'm going away for good! Dad, that's that's awful.
If they found this money on you instead, they'd go easy on you.
And Luanne wouldn't have to have her heart broken.
There they are.
Don't move.
All right.
Give me the money.
Hands up.
I surrender.
I, the guilty party, am not arm ed.
Please do not harm my innocent friend here.
Whew! That's close.
We were going to be normal! But now the baby will be born with a criminal record! You've ruined everything! Hey! Keep it down, will ya? Sorry, sir, but she's very upset.
She's upset?! I'm in freakin' jail! Why couldn't you be more like Daddy? Why would you throw away everything we worked for? We were even getting you into Triple-A.
Luanne needs her daddy.
I can't let him leave her again.
I did what had to be done.
Dang it.
It was Hoyt.
You're innocent, aren't you? I don't know how innocent I'd feel if I'd let Luanne's daddy go to prison forever.
Thank you for helping with my identity, though.
You'll be interested to know that I now have fingerprints.
Intruder alert! Danger! This thing is paying for itself already.
Gribble, I bring a county building inspector to condemn your eyesore.
Inspect away! You can't touch me.
This towers only 99 feet square, it's non-residential, and it doesn't even have a foundation.
Hold-Hold on for a minute.
With a base that narrow and has no foundation? Forget the law for a minute.
Are you a complete imbecile? Imbecile, eh? I fail to take your meaning, sir.
Huh? Whoa aah! Well, that changes things.
Inspector, fine this redneck for reckless redneck-itude.
You tried your best to help him, but helping time is over.
An innocent man is going to prison.
I just need to try harder.
He-He's my brother, Hank.
What really gets me is, you know Hoyt's just gonna screw up again and get a third strike anyway.
I don't know what to do.
Hey, Dad.
I was talking to Uncle Hoyt.
Is it true, if I got caught at a crime, they'd let me go because I'm just a kid? Why did he tell you that? He says, the system is surprising.
Like, he says, Luanne would never go to jail because a jury would think she's too pretty.
Bobby, go to your room and alphabetize your troll dolls.
Okay.
Hoyt would eventually take us all down, wouldn't he? All right, then.
We are getting him his third strike.
Hoyt, we're going out for dinner.
We'll be gone for several hours.
Great.
Enjoy! You know, Hank, why don't you drive? That way, I can leave my car keys here at home, right here next to my purse.
What the hay.
Oh, hell! Oh, you guys got it all wrong! That stuff wasn't for me; it was for my daughter! She self-medicates! Her name is Luanne Platter! I can tell you where she lives! Hank, you got to get me out of here.
This was a mistake.
You're not getting out of this, Hoyt.
You're in too deep.
Lucky, there's no reason to take the rap for him now.
Won't do him any good.
N-Not so fast! I mean, don't put ideas in the man's head.
There's still got to be some kind of way.
Hoyt, listen you're done.
Now, the decent thing would be for you to confess and get Lucky off, so he and your daughter can get their lives started the right way.
Hank, don't tell Luanne I went down like this, as a favor to me.
Well we probably would do that anyway, but, all right, for you.
Uh, Officer? Mr.
Platter here has something he'd like to say.
To celebrate my freedom and my new credit card, ice cream is on me.
Lucky, I'm so proud you confessed to stealing to protect that little crippled boy who really did it.
But now, what will happen to the little crippled boy? I cannot keep lying anymore.
It's time Luanne knew the truth.
What truth? The crippled boy will be released and given a brand-new wheelchair! Oh! Good.
Aw, I'm just sad Daddy had to go back to his oil rig again.
He would be so proud of you.
He sure would.
But they really need him on that oil rig.
Otherwise, they wouldn't have given him a lifetime contract.
Oil is very important to America.
Even more important than propane? Uh yes, Luanne.
Oil is even more important than propane.
I'm so proud of Daddy! We all are, baby girl.
We all are.
"Pee-pee money" is not an employment history.