Family Guy s13e02 Episode Script

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! Hey, guys.
You look like you're getting a little red.
Maybe you ought to put some sunblock on.
Joe, we just got here.
Oh, sorry about that.
These got a little mixed up.
"Hey, glad you guys could make it!" Ugh, look at Cleveland over there.
He's obviously cleaning his feet in the pool without making it look like he's cleaning his feet in the pool.
Oh, that's nice.
That's a good temp.
I wonder if this temp is the same on my other foot.
Oh, yeah.
Sure is a good day for it.
Good day for these wet paint brushes, too.
Is the pool too warm for paint brushes? Hey, sorry again, Kevin.
I didn't see you in the tub.
Huh, what's all this? Honey, it doesn't seem like the Griffins are leaving anytime too soon! Oh.
Hey, Peter.
Hey, Joe.
What are all these pictures? Oh, nothing.
They're just some stupid scribbles I've been working on for a children's book.
I don't think that's stupid.
I think that's awesome! I mean, my one note on these would be to hide a bunch of dongs in the backgrounds, but, otherwise, I think they're great! Wow.
Well, that really means a lot to me, Peter.
I've been working on this book for nine years, but I've been too afraid to show it to anybody.
Come on, Joe.
You can't be afraid.
What if Bono had been afraid to wear sunglasses? Then nobody would know about Africa.
What's it about? Well, it's called The Hopeful Squirrel.
It's about a handicapped squirrel who has to learn to overcome his disabilities so he can survive in the wild.
As you can imagine, it's very personal to me.
Wait were you once a squirrel? No, Peter.
I'm handicapped.
Well, you know, you ought to do something with this.
Really? You think so? Hey, trust me, Joe.
I know talent when I see it.
I mean, I discovered Mr.
Peanut.
Ordinary legume.
Ordinary legume.
Extraordinary peanut! Oh, man.
There she is.
Wha Who? That girl, right there.
She comes in here every morning after her run.
Ah, I'm obsessed with her.
Well, why don't you go talk to her? Way ahead of ya.
Wh Where are you going? And 1,000.
Whew.
Percent, that's what.
You, uh, you in the game, too? You mean running? Uh, let me think-- what's on my trophies? Uh yes! You're losing her! Hey, I'm Brian.
Hi, I'm Chloe.
Nice to meet you.
Hey, uh, you wouldn't maybe want to grab a bite to eat sometime, would you? That sounds great.
Awesome.
You know, see, this is how you meet people.
I tried the online dating thing, but there's just too much competition out there.
Short, but handsome, slightly hairy, newly single salesman.
Short, but handsome, slightly hairy, newly single salesman.
Short, but handsome, slightly hairy, newly single salesman.
Hi, I'm Al Harrington of Al Harrington's Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tube-Man Warehouse and Emporium.
Due to a gut-busting divorce, limited people skills, and significant prodding from my therapist, I am currently seeking online companionship as a short, but handsome, slightly hairy, newly single salesman.
And I would love to attempt to convert my heavily embellished Internet profile and carefully airbrushed, out-of-date photo, into a night of physical intimacy with you! Peter, I just heard the best news.
Wow, word gets around fast.
Nice, right? No.
Peter, I took your advice and sent my book to a publisher.
They're gonna publish The Hopeful Squirrel.
And it's all thanks to you! Joe, that's amazing! So there's gonna be a real live book out there with your name on it? Well, actually, I'm writing it under a pen name-- David Chicago.
Well, how come you didn't just write it under Joe S Steenburj You know, your real name? I wanted to avoid catching crap down at the police station.
They don't like anything artistic.
They were pretty rough on my mime act.
I'm in a box.
Oop, that's the back of the box.
You're not supposed to talk! Well, how else are you gonna know I'm in a box?! Oh.
Hi, Brian.
Hey.
You, uh you didn't forget about our date, did you? Of course not.
I was just thinking, since it's so nice out, we could go out for a run and then eat.
Oh.
Yeah.
N-no, no.
You know, I would totally do that.
I-I just I've already run, like, so many "K" today.
Oh, come on, don't be a wimp! This way, you'll earn your dessert.
Wow, this is great, isn't it, Brian? Yeah, it's awesome.
Hey, uh, is your vision also reduced to just a tiny pinhole? Just push through it, Brian.
Once you hit your runner's high, you'll catch your second wind.
Runner's high? Yeah, my endorphins always kick in at the top of this hill.
Oh, crap.
Brian, this is your heart.
What the hell do you think you're doing? Stop.
Brian, this is your penis.
Don't listen to him.
We're this close to Bone City.
Brian, I'm here, too.
I'm hanging out with your penis and your heart.
Okay, here comes the top.
Chloe, I'm not sure I can I feel it.
I'm feeling the runner's high.
It was a beautiful day The sun beat down I had the radio on Go get 'em, Brian! By the way, the sun is really a black guy.
The moon is Korean! Wow, this is amazing.
I never want to lose this feeling.
Yeah, I'm running' down a dream That never would come to me Workin' on a mystery Oh, Brian.
That was incredible.
Yeah, you hump her real good, Brian! I'm gonna go ahead and close the shades.
I still see you! Hello, everyone.
I'm Blake Walker from Piermont Publishing.
Please join me in welcoming David Chicago.
Okay, so, uh, hi, folks, and thank you all for coming.
I know this would've been a great day to surf.
That's not a joke! Uh, anyway, this is The Hopeful Squirrel.
"There once was a handicapped squirrel who could not climb trees to get food.
" Okay, next page.
"The squirrel"-- the same squirrel from the first page-- "hoped that the other animals would share their food with him.
"'Please,' said the Hopeful Squirrel.
"'If you could all spare just one nut, I, too, could survive the winter.
'" Sorry about that.
Mommy, I don't like the wheel man.
"But none of the other animals would share with the Hopeful Squirrel.
" Hey, eyes front! I'm talking! Don't tell my kid what to do.
Well, maybe if you did, I wouldn't have to! Shut up! This is free! You know why it's free? 'Cause it sucks! Quagmire? I think it might be time to leave.
Ah, crap, this is Joe's dream.
I got to do something.
Joe, what are you doing? The-the squirrel doesn't even sound hopeful.
It's got to be like, "If you could spare just one nut, I, too, could survive the winter!" Oh, I like that voice.
He's funny.
That's the man who passed out at the liquor store.
Joe, quick, give me the book.
"And so, the squirrel decided to climb for his own nuts.
"'I don't need legs when I've got a positive attitude and arm strength.
'" "'I'm sorry that we mistreated you,' "said Buddy the Badger.
"'Could you find it in your heart "to share your nuts with us?' "'Of course I'll share with you all,' "said the squirrel.
"'For if I could not forgive, then I would be truly handicapped.
'" Wow, that was great.
Who are you? Just a grown man with a pet hermit crab.
Listen, Joe, how would you feel about your friend getting more involved? What do you mean? Well, you would write the books, and your friend, Peter, would be the public face of The Hopeful Squirrel.
He would be David Chicago.
Well, I I don't know.
Joe, this happens all the time.
You wouldn't believe who really writes all those Stephen King books.
Scary stuff, scary stuff, scary stuff.
Ding! Scary stuff, scary stuff, scary stuff.
Ding! Scary stuff, scary stuff, scary stuff.
Lunch! Look, Peter can get this book into the hands of every kid in America.
That's what you wanted, isn't it? All right.
Well, whatever you think is best for the book.
Great! So it's all agreed.
Can't wait to work with you, Peter.
What-what just happened? Oh, the bookstore closed and is now a Target.
But don't worry, our industry's fine.
Excuse me, Mr.
Chicago? Could you please sign my copy of your book? Sure, I Easy there, Joe.
Hot Rod asked for Mr.
Chicago.
"Give me all your money.
I have a gun"? Oh, wait, I think I messed something up.
"Never give up on your dreams"? Listen, Peter, if you're gonna act as David Chicago, I need to know that you're gonna take this seriously and honor the message of the book.
Joe, I got it.
Trust me.
This ain't the first time I've pretended to be someone I'm not.
Gene Shalit, I am the ghost of Roger Ebert.
And even in death, I'm a better critic than you.
Leave me alone! Go back to hell! Gene, is everything all right? It's fine, Joanne.
Go back to sleep.
Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker.
Welcome to another edition of Cross-Legged Chat.
Our guest on today's show is local bestselling children's book author David Chicago.
Welcome.
Thank you.
Wow, all your words are right there for you? Quite quite the imagination on this one.
So, tell me, how did you decide to write about a handicapped squirrel? You know, I'd see these crippled kids limping down the sidewalk on my way to work, and I would just laugh and laugh, and I thought, "Hey! Put that in a book!" He's making people laugh at handicapped people.
What's he doing out there?! I'll tell you what he's doing, he's selling books! They love him! Now, I understand we have some questions from the audience.
Yes, I have a question.
Is the Hopeful Squirrel a boy or a girl? I'm a boy! But in the book, I'm drawn smooth down there, so it's not a bad question.
Okay, that's all our time.
We invite you to stay tuned through the credits so you can see where I buy my clothes.
So what's going on here? Just having dinner.
That's Dad's chair.
He's gonna be mad.
Wow, Brian, you sure have been doing a lot of jogging lately.
It's called "running," Lois.
Why don't you have some food? Oh, you mean fuel? Ah, no-no offense, Lois, but that stuff is nothing but chemicals and empty calories.
Okay.
I'll mush some up and put it on the floor next to the trash, if you get hungry.
I think you bought girl running shoes.
You know, in case any of you want to, uh, come cheer us on, Chloe and I are doing the Quahog Marathon in a couple weeks.
A marathon? But-but what if that sexy boy has another bomb? Yeah, are you sure you can finish a marathon? I'm not worried, Meg.
I'm just gonna give it all I've got, like Scotty engineering the Enterprise.
Scotty, we need more speed! I'm giving her all she's got, Captain! She can't take any more! Damn.
Chekov, reroute auxiliary power to the helm.
Scotty to the bridge.
Uh Captain, this uh this is a little embarrassing, but, uh, you know, I've never noticed, uh, the little lever I've been pushing, it's it's only about two-thirds of the way up.
I-I actually can give her more.
That's great, Scotty! Mr.
Spock, give us readings on Uh, C-Captain, Scotty again.
Y You're not gonna believe this.
Uh, Th another lever her.
The ship can literally go three times as fast.
I I'm sorry.
I feel like such a capital-J jerk right now.
It's okay, Scotty.
Lieutenant Uhura, open all channels for Captain, I've-I've got to, uh, interrupt again.
I've just been thinking about this-this "giving her all she's got" thing.
I mean, I've been completely wrong for years now.
I-I feel terrible.
I mean, think of how many crises we've been in where the issue was how fast we could go.
I-I mean I'm sorry, Captain.
Scotty, it's okay.
No, it's not! Eric's dead! At the funeral, I literally said the words to his wife, "I was giving her all she's got.
" Scotty, it's fine.
Sulu, lock phasers Captain, I just got to jump in here.
W-We don't have enough dilithium crystals to run the phasers I've-I've lost all credibility, haven't I? Peter, I think we need to talk.
You totally screwed up my book.
You're getting kids to laugh at handicapped people, when I'm trying to inspire them.
I'm afraid you're off the project.
What? You can't kick me off the project.
I'm David Chicago! I'm the one who wrote the book.
Joe, come on.
Let's not kid ourselves.
All right? Everybody knows my face now.
And besides, I'm the only one of the two of us who can do a squirrel voice.
Well, I don't know if that's quite true.
Joe, Joe, stop.
You're embarrassing yourself.
Sorry, Joe, but the publisher loves me.
The public loves me.
I'm not going anywhere.
Screw you, Peter! You know what? You've ruined this for me.
I want nothing to do with the book, and I want nothing to do with you! Aw, one of his shoes fell off during the anger.
Peter, Bonnie told me that Joe's very upset.
Did you really take his book away from him? Did you just poop and then get into bed without underwear on? That book really meant a lot to Joe.
I think you should talk to him.
Hey, that book would've been nothing without me.
And besides, he's the one who quit.
Now the publisher wants another book and it's all on me! I just hate to see you two in a fight.
And on the same week when my sister and I are having such a big fight, too.
Good night, Lois.
All right, guys.
Ideas, ideas.
We got a Hopeful Squirrel book to write.
All right, now, who's got something? I-I got I got something.
What if the squirrel has lasers that he shoots out of his eyes! Quagmire's on the board.
And how 'bout he got a frog friend that's got some sort of catchphrase? Like, if he's seeing something kooky, he could be like, "Damn, that's cray-cray in a good way, right there!" Wow.
God just speaks right through you, doesn't he, Cleveland? I believe he does.
Okay, what else, what else? If there's a bison Is that a statement or a question? It is what it is.
Ain't nothing gotta be nothing, huh? Hey, Stewie! Can you come in the bathroom for a second? What is it, Bri Oh, my God! Hey, could you close the gate? Couple of calves got loose.
Ha, pow! Brian, you're all sinewy.
Your whole body looks like Paul McCartney's neck.
Thanks.
That's not a compliment.
You look terrible.
What does your girlfriend think of this? I dumped her; she couldn't keep up with me.
Hey, grab me some more Band-Aids, will you? I got, like, eight more nipples to cover up before my run.
You know, whatever you're doing, it isn't healthy, Brian.
Oh, I'm not healthy? Stewie, my heart rate is down to four beats a minute.
Besides, I got to keep training.
The marathon's in two days.
Ian, I-I'm worried you're losing yourself in all this.
Do you remember that phase when you thought you were a pointer dog? Was someone wearing my new high heels? You dick.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, hot moms who are married but looking David Chicago! Hey, how many of y'all bitches like to read? "Chapter One.
"It was winter in the forest, "so the squirrel was happy he'd built that hot tub.
"But little did he know, a strain of super gonorrhea "was gonna hit him so fierce "he'd wish he was still paralyzed from the waist down.
"On top of that, some son of a bitch killed his brother.
" "The monkey's kick-ass buzz saw hand "'His brains, his brains-- they're everywhere!' the little girl yelled.
" "'Damn, that's cray-cray in a good way, right there!'" "exclaimed Billy the Bullfrog.
" "The woodchuck mom and her baby finished their cocoa "and then tucked in for another cozy night.
But then" "'Nothing but cops on the take and hookers on the make,' "said Randy the Raccoon.
"'What's a hooker?' asked the bunny, who was gay.
"'That and a bag of crank "is my Saturday night!' spat Randy.
The end.
" You're awful.
That was the worst.
We had trouble hearing you in the back.
I'm sorry, Peter, you're fired.
I'm sorry Joe's dream didn't work out for you, Peter.
What was I thinking? Joe's the one with all the talent.
Me trying to write a book is like CeeLo trying to find a pair of pants.
Yeah, I need to find something a cartoon apple would wear.
Hey, you made it! So you ready to watch me kick some ass? Brian, I think you've taken all of this too far.
You know, there is such a thing as too much exercise.
Stewie, I know you're worried, all right? And no offense, but I'm not taking advice from a guy who eats bread.
Runners, take your marks! Oh, son of a bitch! Ow, my leg! Help me, somebody! Brian, why does everything you touch turn to garbage? Peter.
Look, Joe, I messed up.
All right? I just I just got so wrapped up in all the attention.
The attention you deserved.
I know how much this meant to you, and I I should've just stayed out of it.
Listen, I'm I'm sorry I mistreated you.
Okay? You deserve better.
Peter, wait.
If I could not forgive, then I would be truly handicapped.
What? It's from the book, Peter.
What book? I forgive you, Peter.
You do? Yeah.
The truth is, I never would have had the confidence to get my book published in the first place.
And that's all I ever wanted.
Friends? Frasier.
So, Bri, how's that ankle itch? Well, what do you mean? I'm just saying, you probably have an itchy ankle under that cast.
It starts as a tickle and then you can't quite reach it? Not gonna work, Stewie.
Yes, you're right.
Best not to think about it.
Even though it might be a little bug digging away down there, just nagging and itching and Ah, ah, crap, I did it to myself! Ah, wh is that? Well, Peter, I'm glad you made up with Joe.
Yeah, me, too.
It just goes to show you, Lois, books is bad news.
Well, except for the books they sell at Urban Outfitters.
The Single Girls' Guide to Happy Hour.
Dogs Who Look Like Presidents.
This one's just pictures of people reacting to farts.
I like where the USA is headed.