King of the Hill s13e02 Episode Script

Remember our old percolator? Now, that made a cup of coffee.
If you want to open up that can of worms, let's talk about the old can opener.
No, not the lawn! The lawn, boy, no! How many times have I told you, there are no dinosaur bones under our yard! I'm doing extra credit for my earth science class.
We're learning about all that these trees can do, like turning carbon dioxide into oxygen.
Yeah, and, uh, other stuff.
Huh.
Well, I wish you'd asked permission, but it is a pretty good spot for a tree.
And the pecan tree is the state tree of Texas.
I limited myself to trees that could be used to make pies.
Well, let me give you boys a hand.
There's a new recipe for backfill I've been meaning to try out.
It's, uh, two parts compost.
Okay, gather around, everybody! We're gonna play us a little game! Highest card wins Strickland Propane, all its assets and liabilities.
A jack! All right, I'm in the mix! What's going on, sir? The last time we played this game, Joe Jack got hit with a paternity suit.
It's fixing to get ugly around here.
The Bystander's about to print a story claiming we've been illegally dumping our old propane tanks in the Cottonwood River! What? Why would they say that? Because they're jackals! They're trying to fill their news holes.
And because they got proof.
Dang it, Mr.
Strickland, I don't understand how you can be Strickland's greatest asset and its greatest liability.
Calm down.
I didn't know it was illegal.
I was trying to create a coral reef, for all the dolphins and whatnot.
In a river? Everyone's gonna hate us.
People hate people who hate the environment.
If we don't have an environment, where will we do stuff? Think about it.
Now, wait a minute.
Mr.
Strickland made a bad decision that, for now, I am willing to believe was an accident.
We just need to show people that Strickland Propane doesn't hate the environment.
Hank, are you suggesting we go green? Well, I'd rather not put it that way, but yes.
Stop digging if you hit metal.
My dad says there are a lot of unexploded ordnances back here.
Nice-looking tree, boys.
Thanks.
At first, it was all about the extra credit.
But now, I'm kind of glad we're helping the planet.
About that science teacher of yours, does he ever talk about, uh, going green? I don't know.
Do you ever talk about propane? My point is, he talks about it all the time.
I don't suppose you remember any of the things he said, do you? Dad, I have a bookbag full of handouts you're gonna love.
Hit the deck! My teacher says global warming is serious business.
Look at all the pictures of the Statue of Liberty at the bottom of the ocean.
Okay, Bobby, let's skip to the nuts and bolts.
Right.
It says here a healthy planet starts with turning off your screen saver when you leave your workstation.
But my flying toasters keep me happy! Huh.
This is not all California nonsense.
Some of it's common sense stuff, like recycling and using more efficient light bulbs.
And, Mr.
Strickland, about that little fridge you keep in your office I am not drinking a warm longneck! Well, at least put the door back on.
Fine.
Thanks for carpooling, you guys.
I know it's not everybody's first choice, but it's important for the company.
Hey, I'm psyched, man! Now we finally have a chance to talk, I mean, really talk, about our hopes and our fears.
Uh, who wants to go first? Hang in there, Mr.
Strickland.
We'll be there soon.
Now, if you're not gonna let me have my own little bottles of water, then we're all drinking raspberry ice! We better turn that dang air on, or I'm going pant-less.
I'm sorry, Buck.
I don't know how to say this diplomatically, but you made a mistake, and, well, fixing it is not gonna be fun.
Buck needs to be more vigilant.
He put up a banner saying we went green.
That's like a contract with everyone who drives by.
Buck could always take the easy way out and just buy carbon offsets.
They're all the rage in Hollywood.
That's the dream factory, Hank.
What the heck is a carbon offset? It's like a "get out of jail free" card for people concerned about the environment, but not concerned enough to actually do anything.
You simply pay someone to plant trees or build windmills to offset all the carbon you've dumped on the Earth.
That's ridiculous.
You can't cause a problem and ask someone else to fix it.
You have to do the work yourself, like Bobby and Joseph over there.
What? Joseph doesn't work.
Well, normally Bobby doesn't either, but look at them, working for free.
You really got to admire that.
Huh.
You most certainly do.
Oh, yeah! Hello, Dale.
I assume you're just here for a quick visit since you're taking up two parking spaces.
Your friend here just sold me a mess of carbon offsets.
You did what? Good news, Hank.
I'm in the carbon offset business.
No, this isn't the way to show customers we've changed.
We have a plan.
Sure, it's tedious and unpleasant, but it will work.
Yeah, yeah, we gave your plan a fair shot, ol' top.
It was time to cut our losses.
It was one clay.
Hank, this is a dream come true.
All the sanctimony without all the effort.
Ah.
Smells like money.
Say, ol' top, that truck of yours is quite the gas guzzler.
How many offsets can I put you down for? You can put me down for kicking your ass! What kind of stupid got-dang idea is this? This is the perfect plan.
Strickland agreed to let me plant the trees on some land he isn't using; Bobby and Joseph agreed to do the planting; and I agreed to take the money.
Buying carbon offsets isn't gonna fix Strickland's image.
It's just cheating.
Who's to say what's cheating? Is Leonardo DiCaprio cheating when he offsets riding around in a private jet? Yes.
Oh, Hank, you just don't get it.
Planting carbon offsets is great! I feel like I can already breathe better.
Whew! I guess this is what happens when God gets lazy and humans have to pick up the slack.
What else do you need me to do for you?! Look, I know we're tired and irritable Shut up, kid! This is important.
I think we should buckle down and keep working.
Who's with me?! You're talking so loud, of course I'm in! Octavio, I have a job for you.
Bring your shovel.
Oh, sorry, Mrs.
Octavio.
You sound just like him.
Welcome to Strickland Propane.
The banner outside says you're green.
What exactly are you doing for the environment? Well, quite a bit.
We have an employee carpool, all our invoices are printed on recycled paper, and as you can tell, the temperature in here is slightly uncomfortable.
You're burying the lead, ol' top.
Tell her about the carbon offsets.
I don't think she really wants to hear about, uh Trees! Beautiful trees.
I'm planting a forest of majestic oaks and pines and whatnot.
And those trees are eating up all that nasty carbon.
I respect that.
It's the next best thing to us never having existed.
It's money out of my pocket, but I'm doing it for the children.
You see, I got a kid somewhere.
So do I! Well, I find that hard to believe.
You take the next customer, Hank.
I'm gonna handle this one personally.
I'm so excited to start planting today! I can't wait to see if this blister's gonna hold on.
Kids, I've decided that instead of planting, you should focus on selling carbon offsets.
Wouldn't we be doing more good for the planet if we were planting trees? Octavio and I have the planting covered.
Okay- We're gonna run out of trees soon, esé.
Should we go buy some more? We got all the trees we need, Octavio.
I mean, who knows how many carbons are soaked up by a single tree.
This one's pretty leafy, but, you know, I don't know, dude.
Nobody does! So go get some lunch.
I don't care where your school is going.
I'm not buying any more candy.
We're selling carbon offsets, Mr.
Souphanousinphone.
Now, I can pretty this up for you and tell you there's plenty of air to go around, but I see that you're a smart man, and you'd see right through that.
You can keep ruining the world and stuff, and these offset thingies make it okay.
This make me feel better about taking 40-minute showers.
It's my "me" time.
Look at all these trees I sold.
Everyone in the neighborhood bought offsets.
Oh, Bobby, it is so nice to see you thinking you're making a difference.
You know who bought the most offsets of anyone? Mr.
Strickland.
The way to win back our customers is by making minor adjustments to our daily regimen that, over time, can make a quantifiable difference.
Wow, Dad, between all the dull stuff you're doing and the exciting stuff I'm doing, we're going to save the world! Oh, my God.
This is so random; I buy offsets, too.
They are so important.
I just saw a documentary about Antarctica.
If all the ice melts, where will the penguins dance? So true.
We have to go.
We're in a band, and we're on our way to Nashville for the Earth Benefit Concert.
Wait, wait, wait! You shouldn't be burning all that awful carbon by driving up to Nashville.
No, not when I'm organizing one of them earthy benefit concerts right here in Arlen.
Wow, you really get it.
Yeah, it'll be like Woodstock.
Y'all like mud, don't you? Channel 84? Oh, God, what else did they find in the river? They can't look in my locker unless they're cops, right, honey? This earthy concert's going to put us over the top, ol' top.
We'll never have to worry about our reputation again.
We got to hurry and wrap this up, suge.
There's a dog nursing baby kittens across town.
Mr.
Strickland, you used to pollute, but now you give a hoot.
Tell us how that happened.
I have sinned, but I am a changed man.
I fell hard for a lovely lady named Mother Earth.
And like any man in love, I want the whole world to see my beautiful woman and her trees.
That's why I'm sponsoring a benefit concert two weeks from Saturday, in majestic Strickland Woods! A benefit concert.
That is one smart way to pull Strickland's huevos out of the frying pan.
I have found that live music will make people overlook anything.
Sting must do horrible things for all the special concerts that man puts on.
Well, I can't believe the kinds of people I had to deal with all week getting this concert going.
Apparently, right when you get out of jail, you start renting port-a-johns.
I sold so many trees, they should call Strickland Woods "Strickland Forest.
" Well, congratulations, Bobby.
You just put out your first Mr.
Strickland fire.
A couple hundred more and you'll be tied with me.
Where are all the trees? I don't know.
Mr.
Gribble said he'd take care of the planting and for me to just worry about the selling.
Well, on the bright side, this is the scandal that will finally take Buck down.
Dale, we were just at Strickland Woods and there's nothing there.
How could you do this? Well, I liked the money, but didn't care for the digging.
After that the plan sort of formed itself.
Buck's been telling everybody he's planted a forest out there.
This was supposed to save Strickland's image.
In my defense, things get awfully muddy when it comes to the environment.
Hybrid cars get worse mileage than older regular cars.
Ethanol causes food prices to go up and leads to riots in other countries.
We were supposed to have an ice age unless people stopped using pesticides.
Well, looky here.
It's still hot! I'm not letting you destroy the company I've dedicated my life to.
You're going to go and tell everyone that you lied and stole their money.
I'm kind of in the middle of a beer, Hank.
Aah! And this is where I'll be hobnobbing with all the celebrities.
I call it the Green Green Room.
Uh-huh.
Then I get lowered onto the stage by a helicopter powered by vegetable oil.
Go on, Dale.
Tell them about the trees.
Yeah, about them, some of those trees might have to, you know, quietly disappear to make room for a stage.
Well, that's not going to be a problem, sir.
There are no trees.
Dale took your money and didn't plant anything.
Excuses, Hank Tell him the excuses.
I got thousands of people Including some very attractive females Expecting music and trees! We're in trouble.
We need a brainstorming session, pronto.
Well, how about we tell everyone the truth? How about we simulate a forest with one tree and a thousand mirrors? Well, now there's someone using his noodle.
Hank, you're out.
Gribble, what else you got? So this fellow's going to save us, huh? How do you know him, again? He used to be in the gun club until we kicked him out.
He kind of scared us; he's way into guns.
Hey, Gribble.
How's your gun club? Geez, let it go already.
Eh, nice piece of property you got here.
What is she, a hundred acres? She's not for sale.
Oh, we don't want to buy it.
We want to buy the carbon offset rights to your trees.
You can't cut down my trees.
No, no, you don't understand.
We want these trees to keep doing exactly what they're doing Inhaling carbon and exhaling oxygen.
And we want to pay you for it, for the environment.
How is paying me going to help the environment? Well, hell if I know.
The important thing is nothing's going to change and you get paid.
I think we can work something out.
Fantastic.
Oh, yeah, and there's going to be a concert here this weekend.
Should be a few thousand people, not a big deal.
Buck and Dale are just making things worse.
Now they've bought offset rights to a forest that already exists.
It doesn't matter anyway.
People just want to make money.
Caring is for suckers.
Bobby is too young to know that, Hank.
We have to do something.
Hey, it looks like your pecan tree could use a little water.
What's the point? I told you it'd work, ol' top.
Nobody knows where the real Strickland Woods is.
Yep, it certainly looks like you're going to get away with this, sir.
Uh, how you all doing out there? We're all here to have a good time, but let's not forget the real reason we're here: me! I'm just like the Indian who saw pollution in that old commercial; except instead of crying, I got off my ass and did something about it.
That's why I planted all these trees.
Aw, I'm not a hero, no, not at all.
I'm just one man who's trying to single-handedly save the planet.
Uh, sir, one of the girls in the band needs help with her costume.
Excuse me, folks.
I got some hobnobbing to do.
Hello, I'm Hank Hill.
Now, you're all here because you care about the environment.
- The environment! - That's right.
And that's why you deserve the truth.
And, uh, the truth is, these trees have been here a long time.
No, no.
You see, Strickland Propane didn't plant them.
We just bought the offset rights to them, whatever that means.
What I'm trying to say is, we did nothing.
Leave only footprints! Strickland! Strickland! Strickland! Ladies and gentlemen, Big Mountain Fudge Cake.
And these stakes should support the tree in any strong winds.
It'll be turning out oxygen and pecans for years to come.
Thanks, Dad, but I don't see how one tree is going to matter.
Well, I'm not going to lie to you, Bobby.
One tree probably won't matter.
Oh, okay.
But if you care about something, you can make a difference.
Don't let people who take shortcuts or only do something because it's fashionable discourage you.
I won't.
So what's the ETA on that first pecan pie? Uh, it's going to be a little while, Bobby.
Trees! Beautiful trees.