Bob's Burgers s13e03 Episode Script
What About Job?
1
Linda.
What is it? What
happened? What happened?
- I heard something.
- Oh.
I-I really hope it's not a burglar.
I'm not good at fighting.
- Or running away.
- Oh, God. What if it is?
The house is a mess. I
feel bad for the burglar.
- Hey.
- Oh, hey, Louise.
Are you okay?
I've never seen you
sweep anything before.
Yeah. Sorry about the sugar bowl.
I was just gonna have a few
spoonfuls for clean energy.
- Okay.
- Why do you have a blow-dryer?
- And a pillow?
- They're our weapons.
We thought there was a burglar.
We were gonna style him.
And then he could have a little rest.
- Hmm. That's a great plan.
- Here, let me help you with that.
It's the middle of the night,
I thought you went to bed.
You're still working on
your career day assignment?
Oh, no, all done, it's just in
invisible ink, so, you know
Hmm.
Hey, what's going on?
Are you guys having Midnight
Breakfast without me?
No, I was just getting
down the sugar bowl
- to have some sugar for
- Clean energy.
Yeah, so I could
finish/start my poster board
- and the bowl fell.
- Oh, your poster looks great.
Not too busy.
Ugh, I just we're
supposed to research
different careers that we
could see ourselves being
when we grow up and I-I can't.
Oh. I mean, yeah. There
are a lot of jobs out there.
Doctor, lawyer I know there's others.
I'm gonna be a cheesemonger.
Give me that cheese and I'll mong it.
Based on the video we watched in class,
it seems like most jobs are just boring?
No offense. The restaurant is great.
But what if I grow up and I
just am not really anything cool?
Or exciting. What if I'm
just a boring-life person?
You? No.
Louise, you are never gonna
be a boring-life person.
You know what's very not
boring to me, is sleep.
And then helping you with this
very quickly in the morning.
Or we get into it. I
mean, I have a good idea
of what Louise could
be when she grows up.
Uh, great. Can you
tell us in the morning?
I mean, sure, it might
seem like you have
a boring job, but that'll
just be your cover.
So there you are,
at your data organizing job,
just organizing data, like
you always do. Or do you?
Hey, Louise. A bunch of us are gonna go
to the chicken finger
place and get shrimp.
- Do you want to join?
- Eh. I wish I could.
Suit yourself.
♪
Here's the target in Sicily.
Our client wants it done
discreetly, but also,
- in a sort of cool way.
- Here's your grabber, sir.
- How's that grab you?
- Love it, sir.
So, you go to Freddie NoGoodio's house
and wait for him to come back
from whatever he was
doing out on the town.
Probably eating spaghetti
with his mistress.
Whoa!
Out of my way, short stuff.
Speaking of shorts
Freddie, meet wedgie.
My butt crack!
That's right. You're
gonna be a highly skilled
- wedgie-sassin.
- Oh.
So you head home where you
live with your platonic friend
and professional human
statue street performer Rudy.
Long night at the data
organization office?
Yeah. One data was so disorganized,
I really had to wedge it into shape.
Well, I'm gonna hit the hay.
Good night, platonic
roommate and good friend.
Good night. Oh. Got a
little paint on you. Sorry.
No! Rudy.
- You've been wedgied.
- That's right.
You aren't the only highly
skilled wedgie-sassin in town.
You have an arch-rival, and she's missing
a few ingredients from her brain bread.
- Millie.
- Ugh. Millie is still copying me?
Yep, big-time. She even
copied your 401 plan.
Anyway, as you sit by
Rudy's hospital bed
I never meant for this to happen to you.
I should have told you
not to wear underwear.
This is all my fault.
- Mrs. Regular Sized?
- No, I'm just a friend.
- A platonic friend and roommate.
- Of course.
- Will he live, Doc?
- I don't know.
Not because I used to be a dentist
and I just became a doctor,
but because it's more dramatic this way.
We're trying to make the
hospital more dramatic.
Anyway, your platonic
friend and roommate
has the worst wedgie I've ever seen.
His B-crack has been stretched 33%.
I hope the authorities
find whoever did this.
Whoever did this is hoping
I don't find them first.
So you go to one of those places
that all the wedgie people
know about. It looks like it's just
some kind of arty-farty
store, but really,
it's a cool weapons depot/fun
hangout spot in general.
But the only art Louise is interested in
is the art of revenge.
- Cranberry juice?
- Not tonight.
I have to have my wits about me.
Yeah. Heard your platonic
roommate got wedged real bad.
Millie went against
the wedgie-sassin code.
- I'll take one of everything.
- The tushie tickler?
- Yep.
- The patoot pincher?
- Oh, yeah.
- The cheek splitter?
Edith, I said everything.
Okay, okay.
I couldn't tell if you were serious
or if you were just
doing that for effect.
Eh, it was both.
♪
You want your vengeance mix, boss?
Crank it.
♪
Hey. Where do you think you're going?
I think I'm going inside.
And you're going to cheek-ah-go.
Oh, there's my BFF.
Want to make some friendship bracelets?
- Or fight to the death?
- Either works for me.
You hurt Rudy's booty.
Now I'm gonna do my duty.
Okay, so the fighting one.
Before we fight, I got to
know Why'd you do it, Millie?
Why'd you split Rudy's ham?
I was just trying to get your attention.
I think maybe I'd be a
more fun roommate for you.
We could join up,
tag-team our wedgie work,
- just have fun with it.
- Never.
Well, then I'll just
wedgie everyone you love
until you agree to be
my wedgie-sassin partner/
roommate/best friend
forever for life for reals.
Last chance, Louise.
- Be my BFF or BFW.
- What's a BFW?
- Best forever wedgie.
- A forever wedgie?
That wedgie is outlawed
under the Geneva Conventions.
Yeah, I know,
but that's so conventional.
- Uh-oh.
- Now, here's what's gonna happen.
You're gonna stay away from my
platonic friends and loved ones,
you're gonna stop copying me
and you're gonna leave the
wedgie business for good.
Or I give you a forever wedgie.
Mm, I'll take the forever wedgie.
Okay. It's your crack's funeral.
Wait! I changed my mind.
I'll do the other stuff.
All right. But I'm gonna
hold on to this just in case.
C-Can we still be friends?
Acquaintances? Or-or best
acquaintances? I love you!
Rudy, you're awake. How's your butt?
Doctor says it's got a
big crack down the middle.
But it's gonna make it.
How was your weekend?
I went to brunch six times. I'm so full.
Mine was pretty uneventful.
Just organized some data.
- Mm-kay, bye.
- And some underwear.
And you drink your
coffee with a little grabber,
because, secretly, you're
a badass ass assassin.
And your career isn't
boring at all. The end.
Ooh! That does sound
like a pretty cool career.
Yeah, and totally possible.
Yeah. I-I guess.
Those grabbers do sound fun,
but I think it might be
pretty hard to break into
the international wedgie
game without connections.
So, should we get to bed?
Or maybe you're something even
more exciting than an assassin.
- Okay.
- Like a teacher.
In a school? Tina, how dare you?
Hold on. You teach a little class
on treasure hunting in Kathmandu.
Okay. Treasure hunting. I'm listening.
So, you hunted for treasure
until you made your fortune,
and then you decided to
teach the next generation.
But when one of the most
beautiful women in the world
Who also has a great personality
Shows up with a request
you can't refuse,
you, um can't refuse it.
Hi, Louisianna. It's
me, your sister, Tina.
And this is my butler, Gene,
who looks like your brother,
but it isn't him. Um,
this one's British.
Anyone want some tea?
A treasure's been lost,
and I need your help.
Tina, you know I'm retired
from treasure hunting.
I sold all my treasure findings
and bought a bunch of candy.
Look, I even keep an
extra-long licorice whip
in my hat for snacking.
But wh-what if I told you
the whole world was in danger
because a treasure had
fallen into the wrong hands
and that this artifact is probably
the most valuable object in the world
a-and it could also end it?
- Sausage?
- Not now, Gene.
Louisianna, listen, the
artifact is a certain CD
of a certain never-before-released
Boyz4Now song.
You don't mean But
that's in a vault in
the Boyz4Now Museum.
Correction, it was there.
It got stolen a week ago.
Oh, no. That CD of the first song
they ever recorded together,
"I Kiss My Pillow and Think of You,"
has always been considered
too exciting for human ears.
That's right. When the
record executive heard it,
he pooped and peed his pants and
also barfed until he exploded.
So anyone who hears it
Will also immediately
pee and poop their pants
and barf all at the same
time until they explode.
Ooh, my.
If someone were to broadcast
it around the world,
my God.
It's diabolical.
It's diarrhea-bolical.
I'll get my things.
I'm not sure we have
time for smoothies, Louise.
We're not here for
smoothies. We're here for answers.
But, yeah, if anyone does
want a smoothie, that's fine.
Well, isn't this a surprise.
Rudy, we need information.
You know I got out
of the information-getting
business, Louise.
Plus, I'm mad at you from before.
We were supposed to move in together
as platonic roommates and friends,
and then you ran off to Kathmandu.
I had to break the lease,
and it broke my heart.
- Platonically.
- Sorry about that, Rudes.
Being roommates wouldn't
have worked out anyway.
Sometimes I sleepwalk holding a knife.
Roommates don't like it,
but it's perfectly safe.
Well, it looks like you
want information from me
and I want you out of my joint.
I guess we better settle
this the way we used to
- With a smooth-off.
- Holy crap.
Oh, boy. This one has banana.
Chunky.
Oh, it's too thick!
Whoo-hoo! - Yeah!
Ah, fine. You win.
- What do you want to know?
- I want to know what you know
about the
never-before-released single
- by Boyz4Now.
- Shh! Keep your voice down.
I heard it was in the wind,
but I didn't want to believe it.
Well, you can believe my sister Tina.
She's the curator of
the Boyz4Now Museum.
And their manager and personal masseuse.
Well, I've heard whispers they reopened
the Cold War Disco Caves in Siberia.
That might be connected
to the missing CD.
Hmm. I don't suppose we could
convince you to come along?
- Think we'll be back by 6:00?
- Eh, 6:00-ish.
But I can't promise you that
you won't pee. Or poop. Or barf.
No one can promise anyone that.
So you fly to Siberia.
And just to say, what an
interesting career, huh?
Travel, free smoothies, cool hats.
Yeah, I guess.
So how do we find the
Cold War Disco Caves?
Also, what is a Cold War disco cave?
They're top secret fallout
shelters with great lighting
and incredible acoustics where
people could still disco dance
in the event of a nuclear war.
We'll find 'em. We just
got to use our ears.
Lot of ground to cover.
Better get started.
Ah. Never mind.
They're right below us.
- Oh, good.
- But how do we get in?
I found a hatchy. Sorry,
you Americans say "door."
- Wait. Booby trap.
- How do you know?
Icicles don't grow sideways.
- What do we do?
- We sled. Hop on.
Oh, wait. So we just
Oh, good.
You're just in time for my next dance.
- Jimmy Jr.?
- Yeah, it's J-Ju.
Total evil mastermind.
Equally dangerous on the dance floor.
- Hey, Tina.
- Zeke.
Y'all want some Cold War disco snacks
before we show you how
the world's gonna end?
We got bean dip.
In England, we call it "mushy brown."
Glad you could make it
for the big show, Tina.
And I see you brought
along your famous sister,
Louisianna Jones Belcher.
- And me.
- And me.
Hi, I'm Rudy, owner of Rudy's Smoothies.
- Oh, man, those are great.
- Thank you.
Wait, Tina, Jimmy Jr.'s
the bad guy in your story?
Yeah. I'm mad at him. He wouldn't share
- his gum yesterday.
- Okay.
Jimmy Jr., why are you doing this?
You know why.
Because you're jealous of my
completely professional massage
and museum curation-based
relationship with the Boyz4Now?
Yes, Tina, I am.
But there won't be
anything to be jealous of
when their first single wipes
out the entire human race.
But the Boyz4Now will still be alive.
Because I don't think you can explode
from hearing your own song.
Or they would have exploded
when they recorded it.
It doesn't matter, Tina.
Their reputation will be ruined.
Because people don't
like being exploded.
Uh, how you gonna do it?
You want to do that thing
where you tell us your entire plan?
Not so I have time to figure
out how to stop you or anything.
With pleasure.
This transmitter can reach every TV,
every phone, every Bluetooth
device in the world.
And when I tell Zeke to put on
"I Kiss My Pillow and I Think of You,"
everyone will pee and
poop and barf and explode
and you'll have to marry me
because everyone else is all exploded.
Okay. Keep saying words.
And Zeke will hit this switch right here
so it doesn't play in our
noise-canceling headphones
but it does play everywhere else.
And Tina will put these
on so she doesn't poop,
pee, barf and explode.
- What about us?
- Oh, you're all gonna explode.
- Oh, boy.
- Tina, distract him.
Uh, hey, Jimmy Jr.,
what if we have
appetizers at our wedding?
Fine. Oh, and, FYI, I'll do
the couples dance by myself.
- No offense.
- Totally. Totally.
Zeke, let's do this. Headphones on.
Get ready to press play.
I'm definitely putting these on.
Right over my ears.
Good. That's what I said to do.
- Zeke, hit it!
- Yeah!
Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew!
So, in the future, I'm
gonna explode Jimmy Jr.?
Yeah. You're gonna save the
world and explode Jimmy Jr.
What? He didn't share his gum.
Well, I mean, cool story, Tina,
but I think now, if you find treasure,
you should just give it back
to the country it came from?
I don't know. I'm just
gonna put "data organizer,"
"paper stamper" and "desk
sitter" on my poster and go to bed.
I'll get an "F," because
I'm supposed to write
about each one and provide
images and blah, blah, blah,
but at least I'll be done.
Uh, wait. Wh-What if I have a story,
uh, about what you do?
Maybe you're right, Louise.
Maybe when you grow up
you-you won't be anything special.
- Yep, great start.
- Dad, do better.
At first. A-At first.
Maybe you will be a desk
sitter o-or a paper stamper.
Lots of people are. And that's fine.
But, you know, not
doing anything special
isn't necessarily a permanent condition.
Just because you stop growing
doesn't mean you stop growing.
Whoa. Wait, what?
It's Just listen.
So, you're older. You're
in your 20s, let's say.
And let's take the
restaurant out of this.
Maybe your mom and I close
the restaurant at some point
- and we just, I don't know
- Make crafts!
And, uh, sell 'em on the Internet.
You know, little pajamas
for candles. Right?
Pajamas for candles?
Yeah. Pajandles. We talked about this.
Okay. But, anyway, uh,
none of us work at
the restaurant anymore.
- And you go to college.
- Community college.
- That we can afford.
- All the boys, half the price.
Right. Yes. A-And you don't know
exactly what you want to do,
so you choose, uh, biology.
Or, uh, chemistry.
Or-or-or
biochemistry,
because you like those
Bunsen burner thingies.
Because of the fire.
I do kinda like those
Bunsen burner thingies.
But you get out of college.
And you land a job.
I-In a lab.
And it's a little boring.
Hey, Louise. Some of us
are going to the taco place
to get pizzas. You want to come?
Uh, n-no, thanks.
Okay! Bye or whatever.
♪
Scientists are baffled as to why,
for the past month, no
new calves have been born.
And, yeah, that's your life.
♪
Wait, I just work and eat and sleep?
I don't have any friends?
I mean, sure. Y-You do.
A few. Um, you know, people from work.
But, uh, Tina lives out of
town on her small horse farm
Wait, why is it small? Go big, baby.
Sorry, Tina. It's-It
- Okay, so it's sort of a big horse farm.
- Yes.
And Gene's a traveling musician.
Each night a different city.
Don't know where I am half the time,
but I'm addicted to the applause.
And we have a cool tour bus.
With foosball.
Yeah. And next thing you know,
you're in your mid-30s.
Trudy, the last known cow to be born,
was placed under government protection
after yet another kidnapping attempt.
Scientists still haven't solved
the infertility crisis in cows
that some are calling "Ar-moo-geddon."
Is this like that
movie Children with Men?
- Three Men and a Baby?
- Children of Men.
Yes. Kind of.
So, same job, but you got a promotion.
You're manager of biology things now.
Good for you, gettin' a promotion.
- That's my girl.
- Whoo-hoo!
It's so sad about cows, right?
I love ice cream.
Me, too. And burgers.
Wait, burgers are cows?
I got to go do lab stuff. Bye.
Then your wheels start turning.
Pieces of a puzzle you didn't even know
you were working on
start falling into place.
You've always been good at puzzles.
To me, the biggest
puzzle is the human heart.
And it's a good thing you're
on the case, because the Cow Crisis
is causing turmoil all around the world.
And you realize you need
a little help from one
of the only people you
know for sure you can trust.
- What the hell?
- Sorry.
I couldn't find a small rock to throw.
There's a pile of
small rocks right there.
Oh. Whoops.
Listen, I need to borrow a cow.
- Wait, I thought I had a horse farm.
- You do. Y-You will.
But you also have a few cows.
To be friends with the horses.
And, you know, for milk. And cheese.
Before it's gone forever.
Except for goat. And sheep.
- And nut cheese.
- D-Don't say "nut cheese."
- Nut cheese. Sorry.
- Anyway,
Tina keeps watch outside the barn door
while you go in to work with the cow.
Yeah, I keep watch
with my farmhand, Jimmy Jr.
Who can't wear a shirt
because it's itchy.
Wait, I thought you were mad at him.
I was. But then you exploded
him and now I feel better.
Well, why do they have to keep watch?
- Who were they watching for?
- Oh.
Um, all kinds of people.
Th-The cow thing
started a chain reaction,
and stuff got really weird really fast.
Lot of people out of work,
worried about the future,
lot of weird political stuff going on.
Anyone doing underground cow
research was under threat,
and that's exactly what you were doing.
But you're on it now.
Your passion keeps you
working late into the night.
And, yeah, at one
point, you were worried
you didn't choose the right career,
that you didn't have the
right job, but then
you were here.
The right person in the right place
at the right time.
And then you do it.
You solve it.
Louise, you did it!
This cow is with cow!
But a baby. A baby cow.
Calf. Sorry, sorry, I'm excited!
Uh-oh. They're here.
We can't let them take her.
They'll just use her as a
tool in their little wars.
So, w-wait, who are the bad guys?
Uh, well, you know, it's complicated.
And I can't remember the
movie very well, but, uh,
you definitely can't trust
anybody except your sister.
What about her cool musician/
foosball enthusiast brother?
Right. Well, I was just getting to that.
We can go down here. It's my secret room
where I keep my
porcelain horse figurines.
But there's stairs.
Cows can't go down stairs.
Yes, they can. Our mom
taught us how a long time ago.
Aw!
Quick, everyone, give me your socks.
They're not gonna stop coming for us.
We need to get somewhere
safe so this calf can be born
and I can continue my work.
Oh, Zeke captains a booze cruise
that sails out of the wharf.
It's pretty loud and really overpriced,
but he can help us escape.
How do we get to the boat?
Well, we know someone with a bus.
The Gene Machine?
Oh, man. Big fan.
We're looking for a pregnant cow.
- You haven't seen one, have you?
- No, man!
I'm just here to have a good time!
Rock on, Gene.
I can't do it any other way!
Come on, come on. Move those udders.
No offense, but this cow
is not good at foosball.
So you arrive at the waterfront
and the bad guys are right behind you.
And you don't know
this yet, but there are
bad guys right in front of you, too.
The calf's about to be born!
Quick! In here!
- Oh, wow.
- And the calf is born,
thanks to you, Louise.
And there's shooting all around you.
And, uh, explosions.
But when you come out,
with the little baby calf,
everything stops.
♪
And you get to the boat
and you finish your research
and you figure out a
way for all the cows
to start having babies again.
Moo what?
So you basically save the world.
And just to say it, you
save burger restaurants, too.
And, uh, yeah, after
you get all the awards
and the world goes back to normal,
you and your brother
and your sister decide
to open the restaurant
again. Just for fun.
But maybe we should
also do veggie burgers, right?
'Cause of all that cow stuff?
And we sell the most beautiful fedoras.
Sure. And you should all
pursue your own things, also.
So, you can write whatever you want
on your poster board, Louise,
but you don't have to be so worried.
I mean, you do, a little, you know,
because life can be tricky.
Yes, and life can be boring sometimes.
And not feel special sometimes.
But it's also fun and
exciting other times.
And I know all three of you
are gonna do great things.
And I can't wait to see
what those things are.
- Ooh, I can't wait.
- Yeah.
And a lot of it can be a surprise.
I-I didn't know I was gonna
have my own restaurant.
- Or three kids.
- Or that much body odor.
No, I-I knew I'd have that, Gene.
- It's probably genetic.
- Oh, no.
Okay, knuckleheads, yeesh.
Go to bed. I got to finish my homework.
- So, you're good?
- I'm good.
I feel better about stuff. Thanks, guys.
Aw, you're welcome.
Actually, Mom,
do you want to get
started on this for me
and I'll give it a quick
look-see in the morning?
- Sure. Hand me a marker.
- Lin, no.
- Right, right.
- Fine. Never mind.
Oh, and I forgot to
memorize the state capitals.
- Mom, do your thing.
- On it. Albany.
Oh, my God.
I kiss my pillow ♪
And I think of you ♪
When the lights go out ♪
- Here's what I do ♪
- What do you do?
I softly touch my pillow's cheek ♪
We're both too
overwhelmed to speak ♪
And I'm careful
not to use my teeth ♪
When I kiss your
cotton lips so sweet ♪
Will you be this
lumpy when we meet ♪
I sure hope so ♪
At night, I give my
pillow just a little kiss ♪
All your corners are
so square and crisp ♪
I never thought I'd end up ♪
With a bed like this. ♪
Linda.
What is it? What
happened? What happened?
- I heard something.
- Oh.
I-I really hope it's not a burglar.
I'm not good at fighting.
- Or running away.
- Oh, God. What if it is?
The house is a mess. I
feel bad for the burglar.
- Hey.
- Oh, hey, Louise.
Are you okay?
I've never seen you
sweep anything before.
Yeah. Sorry about the sugar bowl.
I was just gonna have a few
spoonfuls for clean energy.
- Okay.
- Why do you have a blow-dryer?
- And a pillow?
- They're our weapons.
We thought there was a burglar.
We were gonna style him.
And then he could have a little rest.
- Hmm. That's a great plan.
- Here, let me help you with that.
It's the middle of the night,
I thought you went to bed.
You're still working on
your career day assignment?
Oh, no, all done, it's just in
invisible ink, so, you know
Hmm.
Hey, what's going on?
Are you guys having Midnight
Breakfast without me?
No, I was just getting
down the sugar bowl
- to have some sugar for
- Clean energy.
Yeah, so I could
finish/start my poster board
- and the bowl fell.
- Oh, your poster looks great.
Not too busy.
Ugh, I just we're
supposed to research
different careers that we
could see ourselves being
when we grow up and I-I can't.
Oh. I mean, yeah. There
are a lot of jobs out there.
Doctor, lawyer I know there's others.
I'm gonna be a cheesemonger.
Give me that cheese and I'll mong it.
Based on the video we watched in class,
it seems like most jobs are just boring?
No offense. The restaurant is great.
But what if I grow up and I
just am not really anything cool?
Or exciting. What if I'm
just a boring-life person?
You? No.
Louise, you are never gonna
be a boring-life person.
You know what's very not
boring to me, is sleep.
And then helping you with this
very quickly in the morning.
Or we get into it. I
mean, I have a good idea
of what Louise could
be when she grows up.
Uh, great. Can you
tell us in the morning?
I mean, sure, it might
seem like you have
a boring job, but that'll
just be your cover.
So there you are,
at your data organizing job,
just organizing data, like
you always do. Or do you?
Hey, Louise. A bunch of us are gonna go
to the chicken finger
place and get shrimp.
- Do you want to join?
- Eh. I wish I could.
Suit yourself.
♪
Here's the target in Sicily.
Our client wants it done
discreetly, but also,
- in a sort of cool way.
- Here's your grabber, sir.
- How's that grab you?
- Love it, sir.
So, you go to Freddie NoGoodio's house
and wait for him to come back
from whatever he was
doing out on the town.
Probably eating spaghetti
with his mistress.
Whoa!
Out of my way, short stuff.
Speaking of shorts
Freddie, meet wedgie.
My butt crack!
That's right. You're
gonna be a highly skilled
- wedgie-sassin.
- Oh.
So you head home where you
live with your platonic friend
and professional human
statue street performer Rudy.
Long night at the data
organization office?
Yeah. One data was so disorganized,
I really had to wedge it into shape.
Well, I'm gonna hit the hay.
Good night, platonic
roommate and good friend.
Good night. Oh. Got a
little paint on you. Sorry.
No! Rudy.
- You've been wedgied.
- That's right.
You aren't the only highly
skilled wedgie-sassin in town.
You have an arch-rival, and she's missing
a few ingredients from her brain bread.
- Millie.
- Ugh. Millie is still copying me?
Yep, big-time. She even
copied your 401 plan.
Anyway, as you sit by
Rudy's hospital bed
I never meant for this to happen to you.
I should have told you
not to wear underwear.
This is all my fault.
- Mrs. Regular Sized?
- No, I'm just a friend.
- A platonic friend and roommate.
- Of course.
- Will he live, Doc?
- I don't know.
Not because I used to be a dentist
and I just became a doctor,
but because it's more dramatic this way.
We're trying to make the
hospital more dramatic.
Anyway, your platonic
friend and roommate
has the worst wedgie I've ever seen.
His B-crack has been stretched 33%.
I hope the authorities
find whoever did this.
Whoever did this is hoping
I don't find them first.
So you go to one of those places
that all the wedgie people
know about. It looks like it's just
some kind of arty-farty
store, but really,
it's a cool weapons depot/fun
hangout spot in general.
But the only art Louise is interested in
is the art of revenge.
- Cranberry juice?
- Not tonight.
I have to have my wits about me.
Yeah. Heard your platonic
roommate got wedged real bad.
Millie went against
the wedgie-sassin code.
- I'll take one of everything.
- The tushie tickler?
- Yep.
- The patoot pincher?
- Oh, yeah.
- The cheek splitter?
Edith, I said everything.
Okay, okay.
I couldn't tell if you were serious
or if you were just
doing that for effect.
Eh, it was both.
♪
You want your vengeance mix, boss?
Crank it.
♪
Hey. Where do you think you're going?
I think I'm going inside.
And you're going to cheek-ah-go.
Oh, there's my BFF.
Want to make some friendship bracelets?
- Or fight to the death?
- Either works for me.
You hurt Rudy's booty.
Now I'm gonna do my duty.
Okay, so the fighting one.
Before we fight, I got to
know Why'd you do it, Millie?
Why'd you split Rudy's ham?
I was just trying to get your attention.
I think maybe I'd be a
more fun roommate for you.
We could join up,
tag-team our wedgie work,
- just have fun with it.
- Never.
Well, then I'll just
wedgie everyone you love
until you agree to be
my wedgie-sassin partner/
roommate/best friend
forever for life for reals.
Last chance, Louise.
- Be my BFF or BFW.
- What's a BFW?
- Best forever wedgie.
- A forever wedgie?
That wedgie is outlawed
under the Geneva Conventions.
Yeah, I know,
but that's so conventional.
- Uh-oh.
- Now, here's what's gonna happen.
You're gonna stay away from my
platonic friends and loved ones,
you're gonna stop copying me
and you're gonna leave the
wedgie business for good.
Or I give you a forever wedgie.
Mm, I'll take the forever wedgie.
Okay. It's your crack's funeral.
Wait! I changed my mind.
I'll do the other stuff.
All right. But I'm gonna
hold on to this just in case.
C-Can we still be friends?
Acquaintances? Or-or best
acquaintances? I love you!
Rudy, you're awake. How's your butt?
Doctor says it's got a
big crack down the middle.
But it's gonna make it.
How was your weekend?
I went to brunch six times. I'm so full.
Mine was pretty uneventful.
Just organized some data.
- Mm-kay, bye.
- And some underwear.
And you drink your
coffee with a little grabber,
because, secretly, you're
a badass ass assassin.
And your career isn't
boring at all. The end.
Ooh! That does sound
like a pretty cool career.
Yeah, and totally possible.
Yeah. I-I guess.
Those grabbers do sound fun,
but I think it might be
pretty hard to break into
the international wedgie
game without connections.
So, should we get to bed?
Or maybe you're something even
more exciting than an assassin.
- Okay.
- Like a teacher.
In a school? Tina, how dare you?
Hold on. You teach a little class
on treasure hunting in Kathmandu.
Okay. Treasure hunting. I'm listening.
So, you hunted for treasure
until you made your fortune,
and then you decided to
teach the next generation.
But when one of the most
beautiful women in the world
Who also has a great personality
Shows up with a request
you can't refuse,
you, um can't refuse it.
Hi, Louisianna. It's
me, your sister, Tina.
And this is my butler, Gene,
who looks like your brother,
but it isn't him. Um,
this one's British.
Anyone want some tea?
A treasure's been lost,
and I need your help.
Tina, you know I'm retired
from treasure hunting.
I sold all my treasure findings
and bought a bunch of candy.
Look, I even keep an
extra-long licorice whip
in my hat for snacking.
But wh-what if I told you
the whole world was in danger
because a treasure had
fallen into the wrong hands
and that this artifact is probably
the most valuable object in the world
a-and it could also end it?
- Sausage?
- Not now, Gene.
Louisianna, listen, the
artifact is a certain CD
of a certain never-before-released
Boyz4Now song.
You don't mean But
that's in a vault in
the Boyz4Now Museum.
Correction, it was there.
It got stolen a week ago.
Oh, no. That CD of the first song
they ever recorded together,
"I Kiss My Pillow and Think of You,"
has always been considered
too exciting for human ears.
That's right. When the
record executive heard it,
he pooped and peed his pants and
also barfed until he exploded.
So anyone who hears it
Will also immediately
pee and poop their pants
and barf all at the same
time until they explode.
Ooh, my.
If someone were to broadcast
it around the world,
my God.
It's diabolical.
It's diarrhea-bolical.
I'll get my things.
I'm not sure we have
time for smoothies, Louise.
We're not here for
smoothies. We're here for answers.
But, yeah, if anyone does
want a smoothie, that's fine.
Well, isn't this a surprise.
Rudy, we need information.
You know I got out
of the information-getting
business, Louise.
Plus, I'm mad at you from before.
We were supposed to move in together
as platonic roommates and friends,
and then you ran off to Kathmandu.
I had to break the lease,
and it broke my heart.
- Platonically.
- Sorry about that, Rudes.
Being roommates wouldn't
have worked out anyway.
Sometimes I sleepwalk holding a knife.
Roommates don't like it,
but it's perfectly safe.
Well, it looks like you
want information from me
and I want you out of my joint.
I guess we better settle
this the way we used to
- With a smooth-off.
- Holy crap.
Oh, boy. This one has banana.
Chunky.
Oh, it's too thick!
Whoo-hoo! - Yeah!
Ah, fine. You win.
- What do you want to know?
- I want to know what you know
about the
never-before-released single
- by Boyz4Now.
- Shh! Keep your voice down.
I heard it was in the wind,
but I didn't want to believe it.
Well, you can believe my sister Tina.
She's the curator of
the Boyz4Now Museum.
And their manager and personal masseuse.
Well, I've heard whispers they reopened
the Cold War Disco Caves in Siberia.
That might be connected
to the missing CD.
Hmm. I don't suppose we could
convince you to come along?
- Think we'll be back by 6:00?
- Eh, 6:00-ish.
But I can't promise you that
you won't pee. Or poop. Or barf.
No one can promise anyone that.
So you fly to Siberia.
And just to say, what an
interesting career, huh?
Travel, free smoothies, cool hats.
Yeah, I guess.
So how do we find the
Cold War Disco Caves?
Also, what is a Cold War disco cave?
They're top secret fallout
shelters with great lighting
and incredible acoustics where
people could still disco dance
in the event of a nuclear war.
We'll find 'em. We just
got to use our ears.
Lot of ground to cover.
Better get started.
Ah. Never mind.
They're right below us.
- Oh, good.
- But how do we get in?
I found a hatchy. Sorry,
you Americans say "door."
- Wait. Booby trap.
- How do you know?
Icicles don't grow sideways.
- What do we do?
- We sled. Hop on.
Oh, wait. So we just
Oh, good.
You're just in time for my next dance.
- Jimmy Jr.?
- Yeah, it's J-Ju.
Total evil mastermind.
Equally dangerous on the dance floor.
- Hey, Tina.
- Zeke.
Y'all want some Cold War disco snacks
before we show you how
the world's gonna end?
We got bean dip.
In England, we call it "mushy brown."
Glad you could make it
for the big show, Tina.
And I see you brought
along your famous sister,
Louisianna Jones Belcher.
- And me.
- And me.
Hi, I'm Rudy, owner of Rudy's Smoothies.
- Oh, man, those are great.
- Thank you.
Wait, Tina, Jimmy Jr.'s
the bad guy in your story?
Yeah. I'm mad at him. He wouldn't share
- his gum yesterday.
- Okay.
Jimmy Jr., why are you doing this?
You know why.
Because you're jealous of my
completely professional massage
and museum curation-based
relationship with the Boyz4Now?
Yes, Tina, I am.
But there won't be
anything to be jealous of
when their first single wipes
out the entire human race.
But the Boyz4Now will still be alive.
Because I don't think you can explode
from hearing your own song.
Or they would have exploded
when they recorded it.
It doesn't matter, Tina.
Their reputation will be ruined.
Because people don't
like being exploded.
Uh, how you gonna do it?
You want to do that thing
where you tell us your entire plan?
Not so I have time to figure
out how to stop you or anything.
With pleasure.
This transmitter can reach every TV,
every phone, every Bluetooth
device in the world.
And when I tell Zeke to put on
"I Kiss My Pillow and I Think of You,"
everyone will pee and
poop and barf and explode
and you'll have to marry me
because everyone else is all exploded.
Okay. Keep saying words.
And Zeke will hit this switch right here
so it doesn't play in our
noise-canceling headphones
but it does play everywhere else.
And Tina will put these
on so she doesn't poop,
pee, barf and explode.
- What about us?
- Oh, you're all gonna explode.
- Oh, boy.
- Tina, distract him.
Uh, hey, Jimmy Jr.,
what if we have
appetizers at our wedding?
Fine. Oh, and, FYI, I'll do
the couples dance by myself.
- No offense.
- Totally. Totally.
Zeke, let's do this. Headphones on.
Get ready to press play.
I'm definitely putting these on.
Right over my ears.
Good. That's what I said to do.
- Zeke, hit it!
- Yeah!
Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew!
So, in the future, I'm
gonna explode Jimmy Jr.?
Yeah. You're gonna save the
world and explode Jimmy Jr.
What? He didn't share his gum.
Well, I mean, cool story, Tina,
but I think now, if you find treasure,
you should just give it back
to the country it came from?
I don't know. I'm just
gonna put "data organizer,"
"paper stamper" and "desk
sitter" on my poster and go to bed.
I'll get an "F," because
I'm supposed to write
about each one and provide
images and blah, blah, blah,
but at least I'll be done.
Uh, wait. Wh-What if I have a story,
uh, about what you do?
Maybe you're right, Louise.
Maybe when you grow up
you-you won't be anything special.
- Yep, great start.
- Dad, do better.
At first. A-At first.
Maybe you will be a desk
sitter o-or a paper stamper.
Lots of people are. And that's fine.
But, you know, not
doing anything special
isn't necessarily a permanent condition.
Just because you stop growing
doesn't mean you stop growing.
Whoa. Wait, what?
It's Just listen.
So, you're older. You're
in your 20s, let's say.
And let's take the
restaurant out of this.
Maybe your mom and I close
the restaurant at some point
- and we just, I don't know
- Make crafts!
And, uh, sell 'em on the Internet.
You know, little pajamas
for candles. Right?
Pajamas for candles?
Yeah. Pajandles. We talked about this.
Okay. But, anyway, uh,
none of us work at
the restaurant anymore.
- And you go to college.
- Community college.
- That we can afford.
- All the boys, half the price.
Right. Yes. A-And you don't know
exactly what you want to do,
so you choose, uh, biology.
Or, uh, chemistry.
Or-or-or
biochemistry,
because you like those
Bunsen burner thingies.
Because of the fire.
I do kinda like those
Bunsen burner thingies.
But you get out of college.
And you land a job.
I-In a lab.
And it's a little boring.
Hey, Louise. Some of us
are going to the taco place
to get pizzas. You want to come?
Uh, n-no, thanks.
Okay! Bye or whatever.
♪
Scientists are baffled as to why,
for the past month, no
new calves have been born.
And, yeah, that's your life.
♪
Wait, I just work and eat and sleep?
I don't have any friends?
I mean, sure. Y-You do.
A few. Um, you know, people from work.
But, uh, Tina lives out of
town on her small horse farm
Wait, why is it small? Go big, baby.
Sorry, Tina. It's-It
- Okay, so it's sort of a big horse farm.
- Yes.
And Gene's a traveling musician.
Each night a different city.
Don't know where I am half the time,
but I'm addicted to the applause.
And we have a cool tour bus.
With foosball.
Yeah. And next thing you know,
you're in your mid-30s.
Trudy, the last known cow to be born,
was placed under government protection
after yet another kidnapping attempt.
Scientists still haven't solved
the infertility crisis in cows
that some are calling "Ar-moo-geddon."
Is this like that
movie Children with Men?
- Three Men and a Baby?
- Children of Men.
Yes. Kind of.
So, same job, but you got a promotion.
You're manager of biology things now.
Good for you, gettin' a promotion.
- That's my girl.
- Whoo-hoo!
It's so sad about cows, right?
I love ice cream.
Me, too. And burgers.
Wait, burgers are cows?
I got to go do lab stuff. Bye.
Then your wheels start turning.
Pieces of a puzzle you didn't even know
you were working on
start falling into place.
You've always been good at puzzles.
To me, the biggest
puzzle is the human heart.
And it's a good thing you're
on the case, because the Cow Crisis
is causing turmoil all around the world.
And you realize you need
a little help from one
of the only people you
know for sure you can trust.
- What the hell?
- Sorry.
I couldn't find a small rock to throw.
There's a pile of
small rocks right there.
Oh. Whoops.
Listen, I need to borrow a cow.
- Wait, I thought I had a horse farm.
- You do. Y-You will.
But you also have a few cows.
To be friends with the horses.
And, you know, for milk. And cheese.
Before it's gone forever.
Except for goat. And sheep.
- And nut cheese.
- D-Don't say "nut cheese."
- Nut cheese. Sorry.
- Anyway,
Tina keeps watch outside the barn door
while you go in to work with the cow.
Yeah, I keep watch
with my farmhand, Jimmy Jr.
Who can't wear a shirt
because it's itchy.
Wait, I thought you were mad at him.
I was. But then you exploded
him and now I feel better.
Well, why do they have to keep watch?
- Who were they watching for?
- Oh.
Um, all kinds of people.
Th-The cow thing
started a chain reaction,
and stuff got really weird really fast.
Lot of people out of work,
worried about the future,
lot of weird political stuff going on.
Anyone doing underground cow
research was under threat,
and that's exactly what you were doing.
But you're on it now.
Your passion keeps you
working late into the night.
And, yeah, at one
point, you were worried
you didn't choose the right career,
that you didn't have the
right job, but then
you were here.
The right person in the right place
at the right time.
And then you do it.
You solve it.
Louise, you did it!
This cow is with cow!
But a baby. A baby cow.
Calf. Sorry, sorry, I'm excited!
Uh-oh. They're here.
We can't let them take her.
They'll just use her as a
tool in their little wars.
So, w-wait, who are the bad guys?
Uh, well, you know, it's complicated.
And I can't remember the
movie very well, but, uh,
you definitely can't trust
anybody except your sister.
What about her cool musician/
foosball enthusiast brother?
Right. Well, I was just getting to that.
We can go down here. It's my secret room
where I keep my
porcelain horse figurines.
But there's stairs.
Cows can't go down stairs.
Yes, they can. Our mom
taught us how a long time ago.
Aw!
Quick, everyone, give me your socks.
They're not gonna stop coming for us.
We need to get somewhere
safe so this calf can be born
and I can continue my work.
Oh, Zeke captains a booze cruise
that sails out of the wharf.
It's pretty loud and really overpriced,
but he can help us escape.
How do we get to the boat?
Well, we know someone with a bus.
The Gene Machine?
Oh, man. Big fan.
We're looking for a pregnant cow.
- You haven't seen one, have you?
- No, man!
I'm just here to have a good time!
Rock on, Gene.
I can't do it any other way!
Come on, come on. Move those udders.
No offense, but this cow
is not good at foosball.
So you arrive at the waterfront
and the bad guys are right behind you.
And you don't know
this yet, but there are
bad guys right in front of you, too.
The calf's about to be born!
Quick! In here!
- Oh, wow.
- And the calf is born,
thanks to you, Louise.
And there's shooting all around you.
And, uh, explosions.
But when you come out,
with the little baby calf,
everything stops.
♪
And you get to the boat
and you finish your research
and you figure out a
way for all the cows
to start having babies again.
Moo what?
So you basically save the world.
And just to say it, you
save burger restaurants, too.
And, uh, yeah, after
you get all the awards
and the world goes back to normal,
you and your brother
and your sister decide
to open the restaurant
again. Just for fun.
But maybe we should
also do veggie burgers, right?
'Cause of all that cow stuff?
And we sell the most beautiful fedoras.
Sure. And you should all
pursue your own things, also.
So, you can write whatever you want
on your poster board, Louise,
but you don't have to be so worried.
I mean, you do, a little, you know,
because life can be tricky.
Yes, and life can be boring sometimes.
And not feel special sometimes.
But it's also fun and
exciting other times.
And I know all three of you
are gonna do great things.
And I can't wait to see
what those things are.
- Ooh, I can't wait.
- Yeah.
And a lot of it can be a surprise.
I-I didn't know I was gonna
have my own restaurant.
- Or three kids.
- Or that much body odor.
No, I-I knew I'd have that, Gene.
- It's probably genetic.
- Oh, no.
Okay, knuckleheads, yeesh.
Go to bed. I got to finish my homework.
- So, you're good?
- I'm good.
I feel better about stuff. Thanks, guys.
Aw, you're welcome.
Actually, Mom,
do you want to get
started on this for me
and I'll give it a quick
look-see in the morning?
- Sure. Hand me a marker.
- Lin, no.
- Right, right.
- Fine. Never mind.
Oh, and I forgot to
memorize the state capitals.
- Mom, do your thing.
- On it. Albany.
Oh, my God.
I kiss my pillow ♪
And I think of you ♪
When the lights go out ♪
- Here's what I do ♪
- What do you do?
I softly touch my pillow's cheek ♪
We're both too
overwhelmed to speak ♪
And I'm careful
not to use my teeth ♪
When I kiss your
cotton lips so sweet ♪
Will you be this
lumpy when we meet ♪
I sure hope so ♪
At night, I give my
pillow just a little kiss ♪
All your corners are
so square and crisp ♪
I never thought I'd end up ♪
With a bed like this. ♪