King of the Hill s13e03 Episode Script
KH-1218 - Square-Footed Monster
(grunts) (groans) (sighing) Yeah.
Nancy got me a new DVD: Reach For Your Life with Master Stretcher John Brandy.
Six weeks, and I'll have a spine like a Slinky.
(Dale sighs) Man, I talkin' 'bout man, tight on my back, man.
Okay, new alley protocol.
All future stretching should be done alone and out of public view.
(truck engine humming) Good afternoon.
Uh, buenos dÃas.
I need four to fix up a house.
Cuatro.
Hey, this is Mrs.
Dwyer's house.
Old Mrs.
Dwyer sure did like concrete amphibians.
It's a shame one ended up killing her.
You the buyer? Oh, you speak English.
No, I'm her nephew, Eric, from Minneapolis.
My condolences.
I lived next door to your aunt.
What a nice lady.
We used to chat about puppies and serial killers through the fence.
Wait a hold I thought you were day laborers.
I just need to get the house on the market as soon as possible.
You know any day laborers? Well, I know four day craftsmen, and they're standing right in front of you.
Eric here's the situation so far.
Given the roof area, your downspouts simply don't match your drainage needs, and I'm Look, all I care about is curb appeal.
I mean, seriously, do people really look at downspouts? (all laughing heartily) You had us there for a second, I tell you what.
(camera snapping photos) Good.
Now, stare at your belly and pretend it's not a baby, but something cute like a puppy.
(snap) Uncle Hank, you're being in my pregnancy photos! Oh, sorry.
We're getting Dotty's place fixed up.
It's gonna look pretty good once we strip away the layer of old lady.
(dog yipping) Leg! Kahn, that is fresh sod.
You worry about grass, I worry who move into this house.
Last thing we need is more rednecks.
I just hope it's not another Army guy.
That's kind of my thing.
Yeah, well, I put up flyer for house at Nine Rivers Country Club.
Not to make light of old lady's death, but one redneck neighbor down, four to go.
(sighs) This sweet little house all spiffed up reminds me why I love this neighborhood.
It's the people.
People with a pride of ownership and a sense of community and respect for one another.
It's got-dang beautiful, I tell you what.
So true.
We should do this to Bill's house when he dies.
HANK: Well, how about that? Sold in one day.
Lucky, looks like you officially have the worst house in the neighborhood.
Well, from an investment standpoint, there's no better place to be.
I hope these new neighbors aren't sourpusses about loud music.
I just got a new whammy bar.
(wailing like electric guitar) Well, I imagine any person who appreciates fine craftsmanship will probably be a fine neighbor, too.
Morning, Baron.
Count Captain.
Mr.
Turtlebee.
(engine revving, loud crashing) (screaming) Hey, you, shut it down.
I have a work order to demo the premises.
Oh, don't tell me I got the wrong address again.
Ted! Wonderful to see you.
Wait, can it be true? You bought this house? Indeed, Kahn.
I did acquire this property.
And today I'm breaking ground on what some people refer to as a "dream home.
" Proceed.
Incredible! When I put up flyer at Nine Rivers, I thought maybe we'd be lucky to get somebody's broke uncle to move here.
Maybe, but I never dreamed we'd snag the big kahuna himself, Ted Wassonasong.
Whoo.
They don't build them like that anymore.
(loud hammering, sawing, beeping) (noise stops) (noise resumes) (rumbling) (sighs): This is ridiculous.
I think I've actually breathed cleaner air in Houston.
What's the matter, rednecks? Progress got you down? Just think, one day soon, I will be able to say two words I've longed to say to Ted "Hey, neighbor.
" What is so got-dang great about living next to Ted Wassonasong? Looking at him is like listening to smooth jazz.
Well, gotta go make fresh pot of green tea.
Ted's using my bathroom and Internet during construction.
It's like a fantasy.
(grunting) Bobby, look at those guys.
They're not working.
They're littering and peeing everywhere and and scarfing junk food.
Construction is a dream job.
This is why they tell us to stay in school So we don't find out how great working is.
Man, that dude had a lot to drink.
This can't be good.
Maybe we should move down the alley.
Nope, this is our spot, and we are holding our ground.
Hit it.
(sucking, slurping) (groans) It's man's most disgusting act in reverse.
Stand your ground.
Yeah, but Hold! (all groaning) (Boomhauer dry heaving) (sighs) Look at the size of that foundation.
I don't think they left room for a lawn.
No lawn.
How are you holding up, Bill? Not so good.
The constant loud noises have made me realize how much I miss my wife.
Pardon my dust.
(chuckles) Here, I got you all something I thought you'd like.
Peach chardonnay? You're welcome.
Care to see what all the fuss is about? BILL: Oh, my God! It's a McMansion.
Looks like a bank.
No, a church.
Wait, a casino? I don't know what the hell I'm looking at.
This? This is your dream home? No, not for me.
I am creating someone else's dream.
It's what's called a speculation house.
(gasps) (whimpers) You didn't think I was moving here.
Of course, we didn't, Ted.
You're like a movie star, and we're we're Oh, God, I'm gonna miss us! Uh okay.
Can I still use your facsimile machine? We can't just sit here and let this happen to our neighborhood.
We've got to stop this thing.
I need that chardonnay, please.
And as you can see, our homes are of modest size.
Nobody has more room than they need.
Some have less, but they're better people for it.
And then, there's this.
Five bedrooms, five and a half baths in over 4,600 square feet of obnoxiousness.
Mr.
Hill, are you telling me there are five bathrooms in this house? Yep, as asinine as it sounds.
And are they en suite? Uh, I don't know what that means.
Mr.
Hill, I play golf twice a week with Ted Wassonasong.
I am sure he's done everything by the book.
Affirmative.
Yeah, but there is one pending matter.
Do you know which agent has the listing? We've tried the gentlemanly route, now we get tough.
May I please have the requisite forms for a legal petition? (sighs): I've been here for, like, forever, and I've only seen a petition work once.
And it was for, like, a drinking fountain or something.
You know who you should talk to is Edgar Hornsby.
He was the master at finding legal loopholes.
Now we're talkin'.
Where can I find him? They say he's been dead for, like, 11 years.
I heard he's been dead for 18 years, but he still got his full paycheck until last month.
Benefits and everything.
Well, according to this, he's up on the third floor.
Mr.
Hornsby? Who wants to know? Well, I'm Hank Hill and we need your help.
Someone is building a jackass McMansion that's gonna destroy our neighborhood.
Cursed McMansions.
It would be my pleasure to aid in your fight.
Let's try railroad right-of-ways.
Any abandoned tracks on the property? No.
Native Americans lived there? Visited? No.
Ah, the Grushaw Act.
Was anyone violently murdered there? Okay, have two former presidents ever shook hands there? Uh, no.
Gentlemen, you could spend hours, even days, watching me scoot around in my chair looking for a loophole.
And I might take pleasure in that, but there's no point.
You're screwed.
Hey, man, how about you let me take that dang ol', try that chair, man? Two breakfast burritos.
Right here, Manny And hey, good coffee today.
Uh-oh, babe alert! Come and get it! Lookin' good sugar! Hey, mama! (trilling) Last time I shaved my legs, this house didn't even have a second floor.
Still smooth.
Really smooth.
Ted's using cheap building materials, too.
It's all spackle and chicken wire.
I don't remember ever hearing them pound in a nail.
And I practically live inside that house.
Maybe they hot glued it together.
I'm not sure how much more I can take.
I miss the sun.
I'm tired a lot because my body thinks it's always night.
Well, I like it.
I feel like we fell down a hole into a fairy tale, and now we live next to a beautiful castle.
I can't tell if the burgers are done, because there's a got-dang turret shadow across my grill.
(wind whistling) Hey, Luanne.
I've decided I want the baby's first smell to be a cinnamon roll.
Oh, that's a great idea.
(shutter banging) Egress! (creaking) Let go of my house! (wind whistling, house creaking) Devil house! First you take my daylight, now you want my blood? (crackling, Bill screams) Everyone step back! This thing's falling apart! It's the end of days! I'm going to get my camera.
This story just might be tragic enough to be on the news.
(creaking) (banging) My house! (screaming) We're gonna die! Okay, we have no choice.
We've got to take this house down before it takes us down.
(house creaking, wind whistling) (grunting) (grunting) (crashing) Heck of a storm last night.
Your homeowner's should cover it.
It was an act of God, an angry, vengeful God.
This was no act of God.
Look at those sledgehammer marks.
It was the act of rednecks on a drunken rampage.
We don't have anything to hide.
The only one who did something wrong here was you.
Your shoddy McMansion was gonna destroy our homes.
We only took it down in self-defense.
And for the record, nobody was drunk.
There's a chance I may not have been within the legal limits.
I'll see you in court.
Or more likely in the office of a retired judge, as these issues tend to go to arbitration.
HANK: This next exhibit, Exhibit 42, will demonstrate the inferior tensile strength of Mr.
Wassonasong's fiberboard to that of construction-grade plywood.
Here, go ahead and pass these around.
Now, for those unfamiliar with tensile strength ratings, I have put together a stress versus strain graph.
(groaning) Mr.
Hill, when is this trip the hardware store going to end? Hank is stinking up the place with all his boring facts and figures.
People want damning evidence and courtroom drama.
He needs to throw a briefcase like Mr.
Brady.
Something.
Now is the time the late, great, gay Perry Mason would spring a surprise witness.
Yes, a surprise witness.
EDGAR: In my opinion, this was a justifiable act, as was set forth in the 1921 landmark case, Addison Petroleum v.
McConnaughy.
Whereby homeowners were allowed to tear down tilting oil derricks which posed an immediate threat to their property.
Your Honor, it's all right there in the book.
Which I need back when you're done pawing at it.
I have no bias toward house size.
I, myself, have a very big house.
A judge should have a very big house.
That said, this court rules in favor of the defendants, and does not hold them liable for any damages.
Court is adjourned.
(gavel bangs) All right! Way to go! Yay! We won! (vehicle approaching) Hey there, Ted.
I hope you're not planning on going higher than one-story this time.
(laughing) Actually, it is not I who will be engaging in new construction, but rather, the city.
Are you aware of the term "eminent domain"? Yeah, that's where the government buys your property for public use, but really they're doing it for kickbacks from companies who sign lucrative development contracts.
Correct.
You see, I found out two can play the Edgar Hornsby game.
He dug up an ancient eminent domain statute that allowed me to sell the lot to the city.
Gentlemen, enjoy your new power substation.
(low heavy humming) KAHN: This is terrible! I thought I was gonna live next to a powerful man.
Now I just live next to power.
It's not all bad.
At least we'll get fresh electricity.
I know it's ugly, but living next door to a power station means our baby will probably grow up to have super powers.
And that will come in handy.
Lucky's always getting pinned under cars.
Ah, there she is, my substation.
God, I love saying "my substation.
" That thing is a got-dang eyesore.
I mean, I don't want Ted's monstrosity back, but this is a residential neighborhood, after all.
Well, I do know of a legal precedent involving a public utility and a dairy farm.
I'll tell you on one condition: nobody messes with my plaque.
I swear, if it wasn't for the possibility of being electrocuted, I'd buy this house.
Well, I'll take a fake house over a big, ugly one any day.
BILL: My head feels funny.
Does it look swollen to you? Probably just the stress of this whole ordeal.
(Lucky wailing like electric guitar)
Nancy got me a new DVD: Reach For Your Life with Master Stretcher John Brandy.
Six weeks, and I'll have a spine like a Slinky.
(Dale sighs) Man, I talkin' 'bout man, tight on my back, man.
Okay, new alley protocol.
All future stretching should be done alone and out of public view.
(truck engine humming) Good afternoon.
Uh, buenos dÃas.
I need four to fix up a house.
Cuatro.
Hey, this is Mrs.
Dwyer's house.
Old Mrs.
Dwyer sure did like concrete amphibians.
It's a shame one ended up killing her.
You the buyer? Oh, you speak English.
No, I'm her nephew, Eric, from Minneapolis.
My condolences.
I lived next door to your aunt.
What a nice lady.
We used to chat about puppies and serial killers through the fence.
Wait a hold I thought you were day laborers.
I just need to get the house on the market as soon as possible.
You know any day laborers? Well, I know four day craftsmen, and they're standing right in front of you.
Eric here's the situation so far.
Given the roof area, your downspouts simply don't match your drainage needs, and I'm Look, all I care about is curb appeal.
I mean, seriously, do people really look at downspouts? (all laughing heartily) You had us there for a second, I tell you what.
(camera snapping photos) Good.
Now, stare at your belly and pretend it's not a baby, but something cute like a puppy.
(snap) Uncle Hank, you're being in my pregnancy photos! Oh, sorry.
We're getting Dotty's place fixed up.
It's gonna look pretty good once we strip away the layer of old lady.
(dog yipping) Leg! Kahn, that is fresh sod.
You worry about grass, I worry who move into this house.
Last thing we need is more rednecks.
I just hope it's not another Army guy.
That's kind of my thing.
Yeah, well, I put up flyer for house at Nine Rivers Country Club.
Not to make light of old lady's death, but one redneck neighbor down, four to go.
(sighs) This sweet little house all spiffed up reminds me why I love this neighborhood.
It's the people.
People with a pride of ownership and a sense of community and respect for one another.
It's got-dang beautiful, I tell you what.
So true.
We should do this to Bill's house when he dies.
HANK: Well, how about that? Sold in one day.
Lucky, looks like you officially have the worst house in the neighborhood.
Well, from an investment standpoint, there's no better place to be.
I hope these new neighbors aren't sourpusses about loud music.
I just got a new whammy bar.
(wailing like electric guitar) Well, I imagine any person who appreciates fine craftsmanship will probably be a fine neighbor, too.
Morning, Baron.
Count Captain.
Mr.
Turtlebee.
(engine revving, loud crashing) (screaming) Hey, you, shut it down.
I have a work order to demo the premises.
Oh, don't tell me I got the wrong address again.
Ted! Wonderful to see you.
Wait, can it be true? You bought this house? Indeed, Kahn.
I did acquire this property.
And today I'm breaking ground on what some people refer to as a "dream home.
" Proceed.
Incredible! When I put up flyer at Nine Rivers, I thought maybe we'd be lucky to get somebody's broke uncle to move here.
Maybe, but I never dreamed we'd snag the big kahuna himself, Ted Wassonasong.
Whoo.
They don't build them like that anymore.
(loud hammering, sawing, beeping) (noise stops) (noise resumes) (rumbling) (sighs): This is ridiculous.
I think I've actually breathed cleaner air in Houston.
What's the matter, rednecks? Progress got you down? Just think, one day soon, I will be able to say two words I've longed to say to Ted "Hey, neighbor.
" What is so got-dang great about living next to Ted Wassonasong? Looking at him is like listening to smooth jazz.
Well, gotta go make fresh pot of green tea.
Ted's using my bathroom and Internet during construction.
It's like a fantasy.
(grunting) Bobby, look at those guys.
They're not working.
They're littering and peeing everywhere and and scarfing junk food.
Construction is a dream job.
This is why they tell us to stay in school So we don't find out how great working is.
Man, that dude had a lot to drink.
This can't be good.
Maybe we should move down the alley.
Nope, this is our spot, and we are holding our ground.
Hit it.
(sucking, slurping) (groans) It's man's most disgusting act in reverse.
Stand your ground.
Yeah, but Hold! (all groaning) (Boomhauer dry heaving) (sighs) Look at the size of that foundation.
I don't think they left room for a lawn.
No lawn.
How are you holding up, Bill? Not so good.
The constant loud noises have made me realize how much I miss my wife.
Pardon my dust.
(chuckles) Here, I got you all something I thought you'd like.
Peach chardonnay? You're welcome.
Care to see what all the fuss is about? BILL: Oh, my God! It's a McMansion.
Looks like a bank.
No, a church.
Wait, a casino? I don't know what the hell I'm looking at.
This? This is your dream home? No, not for me.
I am creating someone else's dream.
It's what's called a speculation house.
(gasps) (whimpers) You didn't think I was moving here.
Of course, we didn't, Ted.
You're like a movie star, and we're we're Oh, God, I'm gonna miss us! Uh okay.
Can I still use your facsimile machine? We can't just sit here and let this happen to our neighborhood.
We've got to stop this thing.
I need that chardonnay, please.
And as you can see, our homes are of modest size.
Nobody has more room than they need.
Some have less, but they're better people for it.
And then, there's this.
Five bedrooms, five and a half baths in over 4,600 square feet of obnoxiousness.
Mr.
Hill, are you telling me there are five bathrooms in this house? Yep, as asinine as it sounds.
And are they en suite? Uh, I don't know what that means.
Mr.
Hill, I play golf twice a week with Ted Wassonasong.
I am sure he's done everything by the book.
Affirmative.
Yeah, but there is one pending matter.
Do you know which agent has the listing? We've tried the gentlemanly route, now we get tough.
May I please have the requisite forms for a legal petition? (sighs): I've been here for, like, forever, and I've only seen a petition work once.
And it was for, like, a drinking fountain or something.
You know who you should talk to is Edgar Hornsby.
He was the master at finding legal loopholes.
Now we're talkin'.
Where can I find him? They say he's been dead for, like, 11 years.
I heard he's been dead for 18 years, but he still got his full paycheck until last month.
Benefits and everything.
Well, according to this, he's up on the third floor.
Mr.
Hornsby? Who wants to know? Well, I'm Hank Hill and we need your help.
Someone is building a jackass McMansion that's gonna destroy our neighborhood.
Cursed McMansions.
It would be my pleasure to aid in your fight.
Let's try railroad right-of-ways.
Any abandoned tracks on the property? No.
Native Americans lived there? Visited? No.
Ah, the Grushaw Act.
Was anyone violently murdered there? Okay, have two former presidents ever shook hands there? Uh, no.
Gentlemen, you could spend hours, even days, watching me scoot around in my chair looking for a loophole.
And I might take pleasure in that, but there's no point.
You're screwed.
Hey, man, how about you let me take that dang ol', try that chair, man? Two breakfast burritos.
Right here, Manny And hey, good coffee today.
Uh-oh, babe alert! Come and get it! Lookin' good sugar! Hey, mama! (trilling) Last time I shaved my legs, this house didn't even have a second floor.
Still smooth.
Really smooth.
Ted's using cheap building materials, too.
It's all spackle and chicken wire.
I don't remember ever hearing them pound in a nail.
And I practically live inside that house.
Maybe they hot glued it together.
I'm not sure how much more I can take.
I miss the sun.
I'm tired a lot because my body thinks it's always night.
Well, I like it.
I feel like we fell down a hole into a fairy tale, and now we live next to a beautiful castle.
I can't tell if the burgers are done, because there's a got-dang turret shadow across my grill.
(wind whistling) Hey, Luanne.
I've decided I want the baby's first smell to be a cinnamon roll.
Oh, that's a great idea.
(shutter banging) Egress! (creaking) Let go of my house! (wind whistling, house creaking) Devil house! First you take my daylight, now you want my blood? (crackling, Bill screams) Everyone step back! This thing's falling apart! It's the end of days! I'm going to get my camera.
This story just might be tragic enough to be on the news.
(creaking) (banging) My house! (screaming) We're gonna die! Okay, we have no choice.
We've got to take this house down before it takes us down.
(house creaking, wind whistling) (grunting) (grunting) (crashing) Heck of a storm last night.
Your homeowner's should cover it.
It was an act of God, an angry, vengeful God.
This was no act of God.
Look at those sledgehammer marks.
It was the act of rednecks on a drunken rampage.
We don't have anything to hide.
The only one who did something wrong here was you.
Your shoddy McMansion was gonna destroy our homes.
We only took it down in self-defense.
And for the record, nobody was drunk.
There's a chance I may not have been within the legal limits.
I'll see you in court.
Or more likely in the office of a retired judge, as these issues tend to go to arbitration.
HANK: This next exhibit, Exhibit 42, will demonstrate the inferior tensile strength of Mr.
Wassonasong's fiberboard to that of construction-grade plywood.
Here, go ahead and pass these around.
Now, for those unfamiliar with tensile strength ratings, I have put together a stress versus strain graph.
(groaning) Mr.
Hill, when is this trip the hardware store going to end? Hank is stinking up the place with all his boring facts and figures.
People want damning evidence and courtroom drama.
He needs to throw a briefcase like Mr.
Brady.
Something.
Now is the time the late, great, gay Perry Mason would spring a surprise witness.
Yes, a surprise witness.
EDGAR: In my opinion, this was a justifiable act, as was set forth in the 1921 landmark case, Addison Petroleum v.
McConnaughy.
Whereby homeowners were allowed to tear down tilting oil derricks which posed an immediate threat to their property.
Your Honor, it's all right there in the book.
Which I need back when you're done pawing at it.
I have no bias toward house size.
I, myself, have a very big house.
A judge should have a very big house.
That said, this court rules in favor of the defendants, and does not hold them liable for any damages.
Court is adjourned.
(gavel bangs) All right! Way to go! Yay! We won! (vehicle approaching) Hey there, Ted.
I hope you're not planning on going higher than one-story this time.
(laughing) Actually, it is not I who will be engaging in new construction, but rather, the city.
Are you aware of the term "eminent domain"? Yeah, that's where the government buys your property for public use, but really they're doing it for kickbacks from companies who sign lucrative development contracts.
Correct.
You see, I found out two can play the Edgar Hornsby game.
He dug up an ancient eminent domain statute that allowed me to sell the lot to the city.
Gentlemen, enjoy your new power substation.
(low heavy humming) KAHN: This is terrible! I thought I was gonna live next to a powerful man.
Now I just live next to power.
It's not all bad.
At least we'll get fresh electricity.
I know it's ugly, but living next door to a power station means our baby will probably grow up to have super powers.
And that will come in handy.
Lucky's always getting pinned under cars.
Ah, there she is, my substation.
God, I love saying "my substation.
" That thing is a got-dang eyesore.
I mean, I don't want Ted's monstrosity back, but this is a residential neighborhood, after all.
Well, I do know of a legal precedent involving a public utility and a dairy farm.
I'll tell you on one condition: nobody messes with my plaque.
I swear, if it wasn't for the possibility of being electrocuted, I'd buy this house.
Well, I'll take a fake house over a big, ugly one any day.
BILL: My head feels funny.
Does it look swollen to you? Probably just the stress of this whole ordeal.
(Lucky wailing like electric guitar)