Bob's Burgers s13e04 Episode Script

1
What's Dad doing?
He's staring at the counters again.
I think the counters are
getting uncomfortable.
We're making the right call, right?
To spend money we don't have
- to get the counters redone?
- Yes, we're making the right call.
We're betting on us and we're
gonna come up snake eyes.
Snake eyes is good, right?
How could snake eyes not be good?
They're the coolest eyes.
Anyway, we're making the right decision,
and Teddy's gonna put
in the new counters,
and he'll do a great job.
- Speak of the devil.
- Teddy's the devil?
- LOUISE and TINA: Hi, Teddy.
- Hey, guys.
- Big night tonight, huh?
- Is it?
The comet. Kirby's Comet.
The one that comes
around every 30 years.
We'll be able to see
it starting tonight.
You've mentioned Kirby's Comet.
Every day. A few times a day.
Am I the only one with comet fever?
There's gonna be a watch
party and everything.
I asked Kathleen if she wanted to go,
but she can't make it.
She's visiting her aunt.
She has an aunt? She's
the total package.
I know. But, yeah,
the watch party's down at
Scraggy Neck State Park.
There's no lights for miles,
so it should be a
perfect view of the comet.
- Scraggy Neck.
- And you get to write down
a special wish on wish paper. Eh?
- Wish paper?
- Yeah, you know that thin, little paper
you light on fire and it
goes poof into the air?
The Rotary Club's gonna
hand them out, I think.
Why am I just hearing about paper
you get to light on
fire and it goes poof?
But they say for your
comet wish to come true,
first you're supposed to
make sure your heart is pure.
- What do you mean?
- Like apologize for past stuff,
make things right. Anyway,
- that's what the wish people say.
- Wish people?
Yeah, there's wish people,
and there's sign people.
I'm more of a sign
guy. I look for signs.
- Like traffic signs?
- Like clever billboards?
More like cosmic, comet signs.
Like, 30 years ago, I
was watching the comet,
and I was really excited.
It felt important. It felt big,
like it was gonna show
me something about my life
or the world or something.
And then I stepped on a nail,
a big rusty nail.
- Oh.
- And then from there,
I lost my hair and I gained weight,
I got divorced, I gained more weight,
and I stepped on a lot
more nails over the years,
- and other pointy things.
- Aw.
Yeah, it's been pretty
downhill since Comet Night.
You know, your classic comet curse.
I mean, most of that is just aging
and marrying the wrong person
and not watching where you're walking.
Who steps on a nail 75 times, Bob?
And I've had a dead bird fall
and hit me on the head, twice,
this year. I am cursed.
But, hey, here's hoping this
comet turns it all around
and the next 30 years
will be smooth sailing.
Let's talk about this wish.
There's wishing on a star, yeah,
and then there's wishing
on a freaking comet?
We could get whatever we want.
Personally, I love
getting whatever I want.
- Same.
- We're going to this watch party
tonight, right, Mother? Right,
Father? I think it's free.
I mean, it's the kind
of thing we always said
we'd do with the kids.
I'm in. Let's go watch a thing.
- Yay!
- So, we're
- great parents?
- Eh
Look at everyone with
their blankets and picnic things.
Were we supposed to bring stuff?
Should I run back to the car
and get the floor mats to sit on?
I think we'll be fine. It's just
gonna be tough to see the comet
- with all these clouds.
- It's supposed to clear up, Bob.
- Got to have faith.
- Okay, George Michael.
Well, I hoped to have had
highly flammable wish paper
- in my hand by now.
- Yeah, we've been here minutes already,
and our hands are empty as hell.
Well, we're off to find
wish paper. Wish us luck.
All right, but stay
where I can see you, okay?
Would it be helpful if,
every once in a while,
I whistled really loudly?
I don't think so.
Nope.
Almost had it.
So we'll see you around.
Is anyone else a little nervous
about this pure-hearted thing?
Um I'm nine. My heart
is still factory fresh.
I showered earlier this week, so
Well, I'm not sure if my
heart is, like, pure-pure.
I've got some stuff to
get off my chest first.
- Your boobs?
- Or whatever that thing is?
It's, like, dry and wet.
Huh. Don't know what that
is. But also other stuff.
Apology stuff. I see some people here
that I may need to apologize to.
And ugh, Tammy
Some that I really don't want to.
Bob. Linda. Hey.
- It's pretty great, huh?
- So far it's fair.
Boy, I'm really hoping
for a good 30 years.
I could use it.
Hey, did I tell you
that Kathleen wants us
to go hike Gullivan's Gorge together?
- Is that a euphemism?
- What? No. The place to hike.
Gullivan's Gorge. It's,
like, two hours away.
The drive there, the drive back,
plus all the time gorging
That's a big step in a relationship.
- Yeah, it is.
- I mean, I like her a lot,
and I think she likes
me, but I'm nervous to go.
Also, it's a gorge.
What if I say something
stupid and it echoes?
Kathleen's great, Teddy.
You should definitely go.
Yeah. Take that gorgeous broad gorging.
Well, we'll see what
the comet wants me to do.
Yup, that all makes perfect sense
as a way to live your life.
It is, Bob. Messages from the universe.
- They're all around us.
- Mm no.
You're telling me that
when you're driving
and an Almond Brothers
song is on the radio
as you pass All man Brothers Street,
that doesn't mean anything?
Are you saying Almond Brothers?
I get it. One time I was
on the phone with Ginger
and I said it was great to catch up
right as a bottle of ketchup fell over.
- Explain that.
- You can't. It's impossible.
I mean, can't you, though?
You work in a restaurant,
and you're on the phone
with Ginger all the time.
It's just when you open
yourself up to the universe,
it talks to you.
Um, I really don't think
the universe can talk.
Only 'cause you're not listening.
You got to listen, Bob.
Tonight I am putting my antennae up
and I am ready to receive
a sign that'll tell me
whether my next 30 years
will be good or bad.
And if it's bad, well, then
I don't know, maybe I won't go
to the gorge with Kathleen,
and maybe not see her anymore.
It wouldn't be right to drag her
down with my bad next 30 years.
Okay, so you're going to not
see someone you really like
'cause a comet told you.
Bob, will you, uh, help me
find something in my purse?
I'm scared of the inside of your purse.
Look, I know you think
Teddy's talking hooey.
- 'Cause he is.
- But it doesn't matter what you think.
It only matters what Teddy thinks.
If Teddy believes he's gonna
be happy, he'll be happy.
If he believes he's gonna be
miserable, he'll be miserable.
We need to make sure whatever
signs Teddy sees tonight,
that Teddy thinks they're good signs.
No, that seems like a hard
job that I don't want to do.
I thought we were gonna
sit down and look up.
You want Teddy to be
miserable for 30 years?
In our restaurant, eating,
sobbing with his mouth open?
Ugh, fine. I'll help him see good signs,
- whatever that means.
- Yeah, you will.
Here it is. Here's my lip balm.
Let's find a nice spot, huh?
I just swallowed
a bug. Is that a bad sign?
Uh, no. That's great.
- Good for you.
- Uh, yeah.
Lucky.
Okay, universe, talk to me.
What kind of chips should I get?
Uh you don't need the universe
to tell you that, right?
- Bob.
- Oh, I know.
I'll flip a coin. Heads, I get spicy.
Tails, I get regular.
It's tails.
Damn. I kind of wanted spicy.
- Oh, my God.
- Ooh, kettle corn.
That's what I'm getting. Hi.
Where'd you get the kettle corn?
- Over there.
- Thank you.
Okay, I'm gonna go grab a
kettle corn. Back in a sec.
And make sure Teddy sees good signs.
Or, Lin, you could stay and you do that?
Nope, mama needs her kettle. Bye.
Maybe there's an
interesting-shaped chip in here
that will tell me my fate.
- Linda, please come back.
- Kettle.
Hello, new best friend.
We would like to make our
wonderful wishes, please.
Of course. And also here's
your wish paper launch pad.
- Ooh, launch pad.
- Thank you so much.
Did you happen to notice the huge stack
- of wish paper she had there?
- I did.
What's gonna happen to
all those sweet, sweet
flammable extra wish papers?
I assume she's gonna
write her novel on them,
then burn it in front of
the New York book review
and say, "You wouldn't get it."
Coach Blevins, I'm sorry
about that time in P.E.
when I wasn't trying my
hardest climbing the rope.
You said, "Give it 110%,"
but I gave it 85, at best.
Reggie, I'm sorry for taking
way more mustard packets
from your deli than I
needed for a turkey sandwich.
Two packets is too much.
Ma'am, even though I didn't
bump into you just now,
I almost did, and for
that, I'm truly sorry.
Excuse me, have you seen
anyone selling kettle corn?
Kettle corn? No.
Well, someone pointed here,
and there's no kettle corn.
Oh, okay, ma'am, calm down.
You calm down, Glow-die Foster.
- What?
- Kettle corn!
Looking for signs.
What'll the next 30 years
bring, comet? Ooh! Ow!
Teddy, are you all right?
Yeah. I tripped on that rock,
and then I landed on another rock.
- Do you think that's a bad sign?
- What?
No, it's a
good sign. People say,
uh, "break a leg" for luck,
and people also say, uh,
"go trip on a rock," right?
- I never heard that before.
- Oh, well, people say a lot of things.
All the time. All over the world.
- They do?
- Oh, yeah.
So, uh, Tammy, I'm sorry
I tried to hit you in
the head with a dodge ball
but then my throw was terrible
and I hit Henry Haber in the head and
we weren't playing dodge
ball and it was during lunch.
Okay, why are you saying all this?
Because I wanted to make
a wish upon the comet
but I couldn't until I finished
apologizing for things I did
so I can have a pure heart and
get everything off my chest.
You mean that thing on your jacket?
- Dang it. I thought I got that.
- Mm, wait,
so what happens if I
don't accept your apology?
Huh. Maybe I, uh, don't get my wish.
Mm-hmm. M'kay, I'll
have to think about it
while you find me some hot chocolate.
- Wait, what?
- Yeah, that'll make me feel better
about accepting your
apology, which, right now,
of course, I just can't do.
Okay
Ooh, can I have marshmallows,
but no hot chocolate?
- Yup, yup.
- Thank you.
Hello. We couldn't help but
notice you have quite a stack
of wish paper and we
would like many, please.
Oh, I can't. It's one per person.
Sure, sure, sure.
We're not asking for us.
We're asking for our
dad and mom and sister.
- Okay. Here you go.
- And also our Uncle Buck.
- Oh. Okay.
- Also,
- our cousin Vinny.
- Okay.
And Vinny's girlfriend, Marisa Tomei.
You know what? Why
don't you go to a place
that's away from this area.
Oh, wow, thank you. Uh
And hey, maybe we'll make one
of these wishes for you, lady.
If you find an ice
cream sandwich in your pocket,
- that's from us.
- There he is.
I'll-I'll take two.
What is this? Is this plain popcorn?
-I wouldn't call salt plain
-No kettle?
- You don't have kettle?
- It's better than kettle.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa,
Better than Whoa-ho.
I'm antsy. I'm antsy.
Maybe if I could just see
the comet I'd feel better.
Oh. The Star Geezers
would let me look through
- one of their telescopes, right?
- Star Geezers?
Yeah, the senior
citizen stargazing group.
Okay, but it's still cloudy.
Ah, I'm pretty sure telescopes
can look through clouds.
Mm Except, no.
Hello. I was wondering if
we could just, you know,
take a peek through one
of your lovely telescopes?
- I'm thinking that one.
- No chance, Chester.
Bring your own expensive
and delicate telescope.
Yeah, hit the bricks, Billy.
- Star Geezer code, no posers!
- Dilettantes.
Okay, thank you, both.
You can look through mine.
Oh, great. I love the red flashlights.
That's so we don't get
bright light in our eyes.
It can take hours for our
vision to adjust to the dark.
That's why we call this
the red light district.
- Here's mine.
- Oh.
I was really hoping to look
through one of the bigger ones.
- No.
- Teddy.
Well, it's aimed at the right spot,
and it's a telescope,
so we just have to wait
for the clouds to clear,
then we'll look right through here.
- Oh, it can't look through clouds?
- No.
- Can any of these?
- No.
- Oh.
- I told him that.
So, both eyes open?
- What? No. One eye open.
- And which eye?
Really? The one looking
through the telescope.
Got it. And what do you
do with the other eye?
Are you serious? Y-You close it, Teddy.
Like you're winking.
- Winking or blinking?
- Winking.
- You're blinking.
- I'm blinking?
Yeah, keep the one
eye open all the time.
Oh, like I'm winking. Why didn't
you just say that, Bob? Geesh.
Oops. That came off.
Uh, I'll put it back. Where'd it go?
- No, no, no, no, no!
- What, what, what?
- Aah! -My eyes!
- Turn it off!
- Aah! -Oh Oh
- No!
Oh, sorry.
It was adjusted perfectly,
you son of a bitch! Aah!
- He's not worth it.
- Oh, God.
- Idiot!
- Yup. Got it. We're leaving.
That was it. That was the
sign, and it was definitely bad.
The universe made me sneeze
and now I'm cursed for another 30 years.
Nope, not a bad sign. You're
not cursed. It's just
Ow.
Oh, no. You're cursed,
too. It's contagious.
Also, Bob, I sneezed, and
you never said bless you.
That was like a bouquet
of bad sign flowers
dropped directly on my doorstep.
No, that's not, uh
Linda. We're gonna find Linda
and she's gonna explain
how that's not true.
Blinding a bunch of senior citizens
- was pretty clear-cut, Bob.
- I mean, I can almost see normally now.
Maybe they can, too.
Who are you calling?
Kathleen. I-I'm gonna
let her down easy.
Teddy, no. Hang up.
- Ted-Teddy, just give me Give me
- No.
- Teddy.
- It's going to voice mail.
Give me the phone, Teddy.
- Kathleen, it's Teddy! Listen
- No! Hang up.
- You should just forget about me! I'm cursed, okay?
- Don't listen to him!
- No!
- Bye. It was nice knowing you. Aah!
If you're satisfied
with your voicemail, press one.
To delete, press two.
- Aah!
- No!
- Two. Delete.
- Bob, give it back. No. Come on.
Hey, can I see my phone real quick?
I got to check the weather.
We have so many wishes to wish.
"I wish Ken would
find his old hard drive
with all the bitcoin on it."
"I wish I had suction-cup hands
and could climb up buildings."
"I wish that movies
let you reach right in
and hug your favorite characters."
"I also wish for Swiss Army hands."
"I wish my hair had ten
percent more pizzazz."
No, wait, six and a half.
Don't want to overdo it.
Done. Now all your hundreds
of apps are arranged by color.
Oh, my God, your phone looks famous.
So, Tammy, do you want to just
go ahead and accept my apology?
It's getting to be comet o'clock,
and I need that pure
heart to make my wish.
Almost. See, it's my
grandma's birthday today,
and I'll get in trouble
if I don't call her,
so you need to be me and call her.
What? Why can't you call her?
Because talking on the phone is stupid.
Yeah. Gross.
I dialed. It's ringing.
But won't she know it's not you?
I call her Bubbie. You call her Bubbie.
You're me. Be great.
- Hello?
- Hey happy birthday,
Bubbie Bubbie baby.
30 more years of being cursed.
- That's so many.
- Teddy, uh, cheer up.
Um, look out at the ocean.
- It's nice, right?
- Clouds! Part!
Part, clouds.
- Hi, Mr. Fischoeder.
- Oh, hello, burger man.
Handy man. I'm parting the
clouds for you. You're welcome.
- Thank you.
- I took a bunch of mushrooms.
I mean, I had some mushroom soup,
- and now I have magical powers.
- Congratulations.
I'm trying to part this
big cloud in the middle,
but it's being stubborn.
Oh. I've got a better idea.
I'll lasso them. Pull them down
and dunk them into the
ocean to purify them
and then I'll blend them
up to make a smoothie.
Okay
- Teddy, what're you doing?
- I don't know.
Maybe I dunk myself in the
ocean and purify me, right?
And-and get a re-do on the signs.
W-Worth a shot. Also, I have to pee.
Teddy, stop! It's night,
and the water's freezing
and it's dangerous and
you can pee anywhere.
Teddy, can you hear me? You
can't hear me. Oh, my God.
It looks so not dry out there.
Teddy, come back to the land.
Ho-Holy crap that's cold.
Ow, rocks. Ah, more rocks.
The ocean has too many rocks.
Ow. Ow.
Teddy!
I wish for
I don't know a ferret army?
Pretty sure you did that one already.
Yeah, it felt like it. How do
we have so many wishes left?
Ooh, I know. "I wish for less wishes."
Well, Linda, you gave it your all,
- but I think you got to give up.
- Don't give up.
I don't know what you're
talking about, but don't give up.
Mr. Fischoeder. What are you doing?
Trying to pull the clouds
away from the comet,
but it's not working. I
haven't tried threats, though.
What do you think they fear the most?
- What? The clouds?
- Yes.
I don't know. Birds? Big birds?
Yes, that's good. I can use that.
I think they're clearing. I think
we're about to see the comet.
Teddy, can we please go back? Oh!
- Something just touched my leg.
- Yeah, it could be jellyfish
or a shark They feed at night
But it's probably just
seaweed or a shark.
Uh-huh. Great. Aah!
I-I felt something else.
Was that a shark? Oh.
- Oh, come on.
- Yeah, that's seaweed.
Hey, do you think seaweed
is some kind of sign?
No! No, I don't!
Sea-weed. Like, see, like, look.
Teddy, stop it! Stop it! Just stop!
There are no signs, and
the universe doesn't talk.
You have control over your life.
And if your last 30 years were bad,
it wasn't because of a nail
you stepped on or some comet,
it was because of you,
and also 'cause life can
be not good sometimes.
You're saying my last 30
years being bad is my fault?
Partially, yeah. The universe
doesn't care about you
- or me or anyone.
- That's not true.
It is true. We make decisions
and they're either good or bad
and we have luck or we
don't and we deal with it.
Like, we made the big decision
to spend a lot of money
on the new countertops,
and maybe it's a mistake,
but it'll be my mistake.
And Linda's. She kind
of talked me into it.
So, it's, like, 40 my
fault, 60 her fault. Anyway,
that's not the universe's mistake
because I saw a puddle
that looked like a thumbs up
sign or something like that.
Are you kidding me? I'd
kill for a thumbs up puddle.
I just can't believe your dumb belief
might make you stop seeing
someone great like Kathleen,
which would be really dumb to do.
Well, I wouldn't want Kathleen
to end up with someone who makes
all the wrong decisions,
like I do, apparently.
That would be dumb.
Teddy, come on
Ugh. S-Stupid seaweed.
No, Bob. You're stupid seaweed!
Teddy, no, wait. Teddy.
Teddy!
I don't like you, ocean.
Okay, I braided your hair, so
you could see how that looked,
then unbraided it, then
braided it one more time
because you forgot to show
Jocelyn, and then unbraided it.
I didn't like it.
You've been jerking me around
all night. It's not cool.
You have been sort of jerky, Tammy.
Should you apologize to Tina?
Oh, my God, Tammy, is
your heart not pure?
Um, my heart's pure.
- Nope.
-No. - What?
Maybe your wish won't come true, Tammy.
And I wished for World Peace.
You know, it's that mascara
that's super expensive.
Apologize to Tina. That's good mascara.
- Yeah. Go.
- Hurry.
Uh, okay, okay.
Um, Tina, I'm sorry for making you do
a bunch of stuff for me tonight.
- Thank you.
- And I'm sorry for wiping boogers
on your locker.
- Um
- Okay.
And for drawing a picture of you
as a fart with hair, but, like, the hair
looked exactly like yours.
Like, it came out great.
- Uh-huh.
- And I'm sorry for threatening
to report your breath to the FBI.
Yeah, that was excessive.
Sandy socks.
Whoa
GENE and LOUISE: Whoa!
What is that? Oh, right, the comet.
The threats worked. Now
I'm gonna tickle you, comet.
Tickle, tickle, tickle.
So beautiful. Kettle corn!
Sorry. I didn't mean to scare
you. I'll take all of them.
Yup. There it is.
Oh, it's a seal.
Hi, seal. You're staring
at me for a long time.
Okay.
Uh, this is weird.
Wait, you can't speak
like a person can you?
No, that's dumb. I
thought maybe we were,
like, in a body switch
No, n-never mind.
You're leaving. Oh, you came back.
We are definitely having a moment.
So, does this mean that
Is this what Teddy was talking about?
Are you a sign or something? Hey,
is Teddy gonna be
okay? I-I'll tell him.
If his next 30 years are gonna be good,
keep, um, looking at me.
Wow.
All right. And maybe
we're gonna be okay?
Our-our-our restaurant
is gonna be okay,
if you keep looking at me?
Okay. All right.
Th-This is incredible.
I-I've never Th-This
has never happened to me before.
Oh, you're swimming
away. Okay. Bye, seal.
I'll go tell Teddy.
Linda.
Bob. You would not believe
what happened to me.
Come on. We got to
go find Teddy. I-I saw a sign.
- What? You're soaking wet.
- Yeah, yeah.
You want some kettle
corn? I got you some.
No. Wait, yeah.
Okay, we got a lot
of wishes to light up,
- so let's move. You got matches?
- What? No.
Oh, God, we don't have fire.
Excuse me. Excuse me,
sir, do you have fire?
Ma'am, do you have fire?
What, you don't want
to give matches to kids?
Why didn't we wish for matches?
Hey guys. Ugh, I
finally get my heart pure
and the lady at the wish paper table
said they were all out of
- Go nuts, kid.
- Whoa.
A lot of good it'll do you
unless you have a flame.
I have a flame. I brought the
bathroom matches from home.
- Yes, yes, yes!
- Yay!
You're gonna like this a lot more
than where you came
from, little matches.
- Teddy! Teddy!
- What?
You want to yell at me some more
about how everything's my fault?
No. Listen, after you left,
the most amazing, once in
a lifetime thing happened.
I saw a sign.
Nice try, Bob.
You can stop pandering
now, okay? You win.
There are no signs. We're
all just out here on our own
in the dark, stepping
on nails all the time.
No, Teddy. It's crazy, but
I think maybe the universe
might've just talked to me?
And I think it said that
you're gonna be okay.
What? How? What happened?
I saw a seal, and it basically
had a conversation with me.
- A seal?
- Yes. The clouds parted,
and I saw the comet
and then I saw a seal.
And it changed my mind.
M-Maybe you're right.
Maybe there are signs.
And maybe it's up to us to
figure out what they mean.
It's like I don't
know, poetry, I guess.
Do you think we'll
understand poetry now?
Maybe? Or pottery? No.
I-I-I'm just glad
that-that you got a sign.
And I'm very cold, but you got a sign.
A-A good sign.
We got one, too, by the
way. I-I threw us in there.
The countertops? The seal made
it seem like it was a good call.
Oh, okay. Thanks, seal.
Wait. Seal, sealant. You know?
Sealant goes on the countertops.
That's why it was a seal.
- Eh, seems like kind of a stretch, Bob.
- What?
Hey, can you hand me my phone?
I want to see if it's still working.
- Oh. Yeah.
- Eesh.
My phone got very wet, too, if
it makes you feel any better.
And my wallet. But still,
I'm friends with a seal.
Hey, it still works. It's a sign.
E-Excuse me, guys,
I-I got to make a call.
Hello, Kathleen? It's
Teddy. From dating.
Hey, kids.
- Whoa. I see you found the wish paper.
- Yeah, we did.
What're you wishing for, Tina?
To kiss a boy on the
Eiffel Tower at sunset,
- and we're on horses somehow.
- Take this one, too,
- on the house.
- "Helicopter."
Oh, yeah. How else
would I get the horses
onto the Eiffel Tower? Thanks.
Yes, beautiful flames,
- rise to the wishing gods.
- Yeah!
Aw, bye, little wishes.
Kettle corn ♪
So beautiful ♪
Kettle corn ♪
So beautiful ♪
- Kettle corn ♪
- What is this?
- Is this plain popcorn?
- I wouldn't - call salt plain.
- Kettle corn ♪
- No kettle?
You don't have kettle?
- It's better than kettle.
- Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Better than Whoa, whoa.
Kettle corn ♪
Sorry. I didn't mean to scare you.
I'll take all of 'em.
Kettle corn ♪
So beautiful, kettle corn ♪
Oh, I got it in my teeth.
Ooh, ooh, it's still good, though.