Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s13e06 Episode Script
Situations Vacant
Are you ready? I'm ready! I never like spending too much time here.
You never know where his ferrets are.
Why do you think I'm wearing bicycle clips? How can you live in this place? It's got the best view in town.
What of? Nora Batty.
Have you got a minute? I say, are you there? Have you got a minute? Has he got a minute! He's never had anything else.
Are you there? LOUD RAPPING ON DOOR I think there's someone at the door.
There's someone at your door.
Who? How do WE know? Well, find out.
Go and find out.
Why me? You heard it first.
RAPPING CONTINUES Aaghhh! Who is it? It's a clothes prop.
It's Nora Batty.
I think she wants to see him.
What's all the hurry? Nora Batty's outside.
She wants to see you.
Nora Batty ?! TUMBLING DOWNSTAIRS What's all the hurry, he says! Nora Batty askin' for me ?! Listen, is my hat on straight? Are you coming? I'm coming, petal, I'm coming.
Suddenly, it's Speedy Gonzales.
Something else to worry about up your trouser leg.
Give it here, lass.
It's no bother.
I've told thee afore.
Tha only has to ask.
Do it then, instead of bragging about it.
She's got a wicked tongue on her.
Drives me wild, she does! Oh, get on with it! Oh Just the chap.
Here! Ye Gods! Is she putting me on a lead now? It's the clothes line.
Just tie it to the post.
Is that the proper knot? It's a better knot than YOU tied.
Great long twit! I'm glad somebody can do something around here.
There's no need to go to pieces.
She thinks I'm useless.
Sounds reasonable to me.
It's only because he's taller.
Exactly! The sneaky swine! It's unfair competition.
Him lodgin' next door with my bird, an' walking about tall ! Yes, wellenough of that.
What are we going to do today? 'Very little' sounds attractive.
I'm goin' to sit here and sulk.
What, all day? Probably.
Oh, that's major sulking - heavy duty sulking.
I daren't face her.
She thinks I'm some little twit who can't reach her clothes post.
Yes, but you seethat's because you're some little twit who can't reach her clothes post.
Height isn't everything.
You could make up for your lack of it with athletic ability.
Suppose you were to jump nimbly and gracefully onto the wall, then you could reach her clothes post.
I could, Norm.
How are you fixed for nimbly and gracefully? You'd better stick to sulking.
Haven't you stopped that bit of a drip yet? It's a bit of a squeeze here.
I've never known anybody more ill-at-ease under a sink! I suggest you learn to vault casually on to the wall.
Make it look stylish.
Maximum swank.
Vault? Sounds a bit like 'fault' to me.
Maybe it's a warning.
How do he mean - vault? You know what I mean.
One hand on the wall and swing your legs up.
And try to whistle while you're doing it.
That should be even more effective.
TINNY WHISTLE Geronimo! That reminds me.
I must get my bicycle seat adjusted.
Why are you walking funny? In what way am I walking funny? Your knees are too close together.
They're supposed to be fairly close together.
You can't have knees too far apart.
It could alter your whole personality.
You're walkin' as if you're sore from summat.
You've been cycling, haven't you? You've been cycling out of wedlock! I don't know what you mean, walking funny.
That's what I mean, walking funny! What's wrong with HIM ? He's just a bit winded.
Aye, and the wrong bit.
He'll be alright in a minute.
Just a miscalculation with a wall.
How did he "miscalculate" a wall? Nimbly and gracefully.
He got it wrong, of course.
But it's only his first attempt.
Aye, that feels better, Norm.
You can pack that in! That kind of thing is not fit for a catering establishment.
Oh! You see what I mean ?! Wavin' your legs about! Them trousers are not fit for wavin' about! CHOPPING NOISES What's he doin'? Oh, I expect it's karate or something.
Maybe he's still searchin' for Japanese snipers.
Well, you can't be too careful.
It's good to get your breath back.
I can understand that.
I think I've finished vaulting on walls, Norm.
Not necessarily.
Not necessarily.
I'll say that again, Norman.
I've finished vaulting on walls.
Hand-vaulting, yes, little person.
But what about pole-vaulting? Me wife ran off with a chuffin' Pole! Well, there you are, you see? Previous experience.
What do I have to learn pole-vaulting for? Because you're not very good at hand-vaulting.
That's true.
Made a right bodge of it.
Give me one good reason why I should take up pole-vaulting.
Because You'll be able to pick up Nora's clothes prop, and use it to pole-vault yourself up onto the wall.
She'll be thinking what elegance, what grace of movement, what skill.
What a muffin! It sounds good to me.
I like it.
I like it.
Of course.
Foggy knows best.
Now, just balance the pole.
Get the feel of it.
Not bad.
You could be a natural.
I could be a natural, Norm.
You could be an idiot.
Try one or two easy little vaults.
Nothing tricky for starters.
I wouldn't even try tricky for finishes.
What do I do? You hold the pole comfortably.
You run with it, then you stick it in the ground and youvault.
How do I hold it? Like this.
Yes.
Don't you think he looks good? You're power mad, Foggy! Well, you can't fight your destiny.
Right, in your own time.
Let pole-vaulting begin.
Geronimo! What grace.
What elegance.
It's a perfect place.
There's plenty of room, and soft straw to land on.
Looks alright, Norm.
Can't be bad.
I must admit it seems relatively hazard-free.
Of course it is! Here! Get the feel of the pole.
Find the point of balance.
Then swing it about until it feels like part of you.
You think things are hazard free.
Steady on.
You could have injured someone.
NOW he's worried.
He never worries when I'M getting injured.
Of course we worry.
Don't we? Of course we worry.
Right! That's your target.
There's your landing ground.
It's better than six mattresses.
I suggest you start your run from over here.
And try not to get the pole between your legs this time.
Now, what is the aim of this exercise? Em Yes, well, the aim of the exercise is to do a nifty jump as high as you can go, and land on the straw.
And the best of luck.
Nothing to it, Norm.
It'll be softer than grass.
I don't like it.
What? I don't know.
I just don't like it.
Good heavens, man, I've checked everything.
I've got him holding the pole better, he's got something soft to land on I've done everything for his safety.
Right! Begin! Phew! No, no, no.
Let's get a bit more effort in it.
A bit more height in it.
I need a longer run.
Very well, take a longer run.
Don't forget to write (!) How long a run does he want? I think I can hear him coming.
They've already brought him in once this morning.
Hardly able to walk, he was.
It'll be one of them new health fads.
- He didn't look so damn healthy.
- They're all at it, keepin' fit.
No good comes at their age from keepin' fit.
Well, it won't last.
I should think he's had enough of it already.
Come on then.
Over here.
Come on.
Sit yourself down.
Aagh! What's up with him now? Is that Nora Batty? Tell me it's Nora Batty, otherwise I've got wrinkles in front of me eyes.
Ohhh! Oh, Howard! Oh, Marina! I think we've really cracked it this time.
The perfect disguise.
Ooh, Howard! You're not just small and sexy, but you're diabolically clever.
I wouldn't say diabolically.
This is what I call a perfect English scene.
What a place to leave a pole! I'm finished! You WILL be finished if you break that crockery! I've had enough.
Pole-vaulting is out! Done! Finished! I think he's trying to tell you that he's finished.
You can't finish now.
Tha's nearly killed me twice.
Rubbish! A few bruises.
A few? If I were naked, I'd look like a black pudding in wellies.
My word.
What a terrible thought.
I WAS going to have a sausage roll, but I don't think I'll bother now.
Well, I'm disappointed in you.
If Nora Batty's not worth a few bruises But it's not getting me any nearer to Nora Batty, is it? Of course it is.
That's where it's heading.
You've cracked the worst bit.
Your bruises are behind you.
Behind you, in front of you, all around you.
You're getting the hang of it now.
You should have seen yourself at the farm.
You were magnificent! Ask Clegg.
Was I magnificent, Norm? In flight, you were magnificent.
The landing was a bit yuk.
That could happen to anybody.
Why does it always happen to me ?! Because you are going to impress Nora Batty.
Listen I'm not one to give advice to black puddings, but are you sure you want to continue with this? Are you lot still here? Aaagh! There we are.
I mean, what a thing to bring into a catering establishment.
A damn great pole! I thought they were Ukranian round here? Not that kind of Pole.
No.
A great, long, wooden thing.
Foggy Dewhurst.
He brought it in.
What did they want with a pole in a cafe? You tell ME.
It's no good looking for sense.
Mine's gone fishing.
North Pole, I think, judging by the clothes he was wearing.
Maybe that's what it was.
Maybe it was a fishing pole.
It certainly had three right maggots on the end of it.
They pick up such weird things.
Mine certainly does.
You hear about women goin' through their husband's pockets.
All I ever found was fuse wire and a set of feeler gauges.
My Wally used to carry little titbits for his favourite pigeons.
My Syd always had a couple of toffees all covered in tobacco and fluff.
Always two toffees, covered in tobacco and fluff.
Barry's orderly with pockets.
It could be a bluff.
He never overloads his pockets.
He doesn't care for unsightly bulges.
Will you be quiet, girl ! You weren't brought up to discuss unsightly bulges.
Someone's going to be very stiff in the morning.
Why should we be stiff? Not us.
Him.
Oh, him! Well, he's bound to be stiff if he keeps running into walls and falling on things.
I was never really adept at sports.
Even at school.
I always felt that I should've run the three-legged race solo.
He was pretty nimble at school, wasn't he? Especially with his mouth.
You daren't ever let him hear the rustle of a bag of sweets.
He nearly ate Shirley Cawthorne.
Every playtime.
It was embarrassing.
Who did you have a crush on at school, Foggy? The girls' gym mistress.
I loved her from afar.
It never came to anything.
Didn't she marry that little Welshman? Yes.
I could never understand it.
Well, maybe he came in handy for practice when she hadn't got a ball.
Passing the Welshman? Not my idea of a good workout.
Never became really popular.
Maybe they don't bounce too well.
Although to listen to them, you'd never think so.
I think I've got it this time.
Ger-onimo! If you do it correctly next time, I think you'll be ready for the big one.
Wow! The big one! I think he's ready.
He thinks you're ready.
I'm ready, I'm ready.
It's higher.
It's a higher wall.
You're very shrewd for a black pudding.
It's higher than the one I practised on.
Yes, if you want to get meticulous.
Just a little.
So what? You just have to give a bigger jump, that's all.
Why can't I impress Nora Batty on a little wall? Shrewd.
Shrewd.
Because THIS is the wall she lives near.
You want her to see you.
Life's just awkward.
It sure is, Norm.
Look out.
She's not alone.
So what? This is your chance to impress ALL the ladies.
Aye, I've always been wicked with the ladies, Norm.
You can't resist them, can you? You can't break the habits of a lifetime, Norm.
# Oh, put me amongst the girls # Put me amongst the girls # - Whatever's he got there? - It's that damn pole.
- Often need a stick at that age.
A stick ?! This is my pole ! What do you need a pole for? What do I need a pole for? Tha ravishing creature To help thee with the clothes line.
Stand back, ladies, and hang on to your hats.
It's going to be a thrill a minute.
Right, let's be havin' you.
You too, come on.
Howard! I was just passing when this falling person here knocked me into the arms of this other fisherman.
BBC 1991
You never know where his ferrets are.
Why do you think I'm wearing bicycle clips? How can you live in this place? It's got the best view in town.
What of? Nora Batty.
Have you got a minute? I say, are you there? Have you got a minute? Has he got a minute! He's never had anything else.
Are you there? LOUD RAPPING ON DOOR I think there's someone at the door.
There's someone at your door.
Who? How do WE know? Well, find out.
Go and find out.
Why me? You heard it first.
RAPPING CONTINUES Aaghhh! Who is it? It's a clothes prop.
It's Nora Batty.
I think she wants to see him.
What's all the hurry? Nora Batty's outside.
She wants to see you.
Nora Batty ?! TUMBLING DOWNSTAIRS What's all the hurry, he says! Nora Batty askin' for me ?! Listen, is my hat on straight? Are you coming? I'm coming, petal, I'm coming.
Suddenly, it's Speedy Gonzales.
Something else to worry about up your trouser leg.
Give it here, lass.
It's no bother.
I've told thee afore.
Tha only has to ask.
Do it then, instead of bragging about it.
She's got a wicked tongue on her.
Drives me wild, she does! Oh, get on with it! Oh Just the chap.
Here! Ye Gods! Is she putting me on a lead now? It's the clothes line.
Just tie it to the post.
Is that the proper knot? It's a better knot than YOU tied.
Great long twit! I'm glad somebody can do something around here.
There's no need to go to pieces.
She thinks I'm useless.
Sounds reasonable to me.
It's only because he's taller.
Exactly! The sneaky swine! It's unfair competition.
Him lodgin' next door with my bird, an' walking about tall ! Yes, wellenough of that.
What are we going to do today? 'Very little' sounds attractive.
I'm goin' to sit here and sulk.
What, all day? Probably.
Oh, that's major sulking - heavy duty sulking.
I daren't face her.
She thinks I'm some little twit who can't reach her clothes post.
Yes, but you seethat's because you're some little twit who can't reach her clothes post.
Height isn't everything.
You could make up for your lack of it with athletic ability.
Suppose you were to jump nimbly and gracefully onto the wall, then you could reach her clothes post.
I could, Norm.
How are you fixed for nimbly and gracefully? You'd better stick to sulking.
Haven't you stopped that bit of a drip yet? It's a bit of a squeeze here.
I've never known anybody more ill-at-ease under a sink! I suggest you learn to vault casually on to the wall.
Make it look stylish.
Maximum swank.
Vault? Sounds a bit like 'fault' to me.
Maybe it's a warning.
How do he mean - vault? You know what I mean.
One hand on the wall and swing your legs up.
And try to whistle while you're doing it.
That should be even more effective.
TINNY WHISTLE Geronimo! That reminds me.
I must get my bicycle seat adjusted.
Why are you walking funny? In what way am I walking funny? Your knees are too close together.
They're supposed to be fairly close together.
You can't have knees too far apart.
It could alter your whole personality.
You're walkin' as if you're sore from summat.
You've been cycling, haven't you? You've been cycling out of wedlock! I don't know what you mean, walking funny.
That's what I mean, walking funny! What's wrong with HIM ? He's just a bit winded.
Aye, and the wrong bit.
He'll be alright in a minute.
Just a miscalculation with a wall.
How did he "miscalculate" a wall? Nimbly and gracefully.
He got it wrong, of course.
But it's only his first attempt.
Aye, that feels better, Norm.
You can pack that in! That kind of thing is not fit for a catering establishment.
Oh! You see what I mean ?! Wavin' your legs about! Them trousers are not fit for wavin' about! CHOPPING NOISES What's he doin'? Oh, I expect it's karate or something.
Maybe he's still searchin' for Japanese snipers.
Well, you can't be too careful.
It's good to get your breath back.
I can understand that.
I think I've finished vaulting on walls, Norm.
Not necessarily.
Not necessarily.
I'll say that again, Norman.
I've finished vaulting on walls.
Hand-vaulting, yes, little person.
But what about pole-vaulting? Me wife ran off with a chuffin' Pole! Well, there you are, you see? Previous experience.
What do I have to learn pole-vaulting for? Because you're not very good at hand-vaulting.
That's true.
Made a right bodge of it.
Give me one good reason why I should take up pole-vaulting.
Because You'll be able to pick up Nora's clothes prop, and use it to pole-vault yourself up onto the wall.
She'll be thinking what elegance, what grace of movement, what skill.
What a muffin! It sounds good to me.
I like it.
I like it.
Of course.
Foggy knows best.
Now, just balance the pole.
Get the feel of it.
Not bad.
You could be a natural.
I could be a natural, Norm.
You could be an idiot.
Try one or two easy little vaults.
Nothing tricky for starters.
I wouldn't even try tricky for finishes.
What do I do? You hold the pole comfortably.
You run with it, then you stick it in the ground and youvault.
How do I hold it? Like this.
Yes.
Don't you think he looks good? You're power mad, Foggy! Well, you can't fight your destiny.
Right, in your own time.
Let pole-vaulting begin.
Geronimo! What grace.
What elegance.
It's a perfect place.
There's plenty of room, and soft straw to land on.
Looks alright, Norm.
Can't be bad.
I must admit it seems relatively hazard-free.
Of course it is! Here! Get the feel of the pole.
Find the point of balance.
Then swing it about until it feels like part of you.
You think things are hazard free.
Steady on.
You could have injured someone.
NOW he's worried.
He never worries when I'M getting injured.
Of course we worry.
Don't we? Of course we worry.
Right! That's your target.
There's your landing ground.
It's better than six mattresses.
I suggest you start your run from over here.
And try not to get the pole between your legs this time.
Now, what is the aim of this exercise? Em Yes, well, the aim of the exercise is to do a nifty jump as high as you can go, and land on the straw.
And the best of luck.
Nothing to it, Norm.
It'll be softer than grass.
I don't like it.
What? I don't know.
I just don't like it.
Good heavens, man, I've checked everything.
I've got him holding the pole better, he's got something soft to land on I've done everything for his safety.
Right! Begin! Phew! No, no, no.
Let's get a bit more effort in it.
A bit more height in it.
I need a longer run.
Very well, take a longer run.
Don't forget to write (!) How long a run does he want? I think I can hear him coming.
They've already brought him in once this morning.
Hardly able to walk, he was.
It'll be one of them new health fads.
- He didn't look so damn healthy.
- They're all at it, keepin' fit.
No good comes at their age from keepin' fit.
Well, it won't last.
I should think he's had enough of it already.
Come on then.
Over here.
Come on.
Sit yourself down.
Aagh! What's up with him now? Is that Nora Batty? Tell me it's Nora Batty, otherwise I've got wrinkles in front of me eyes.
Ohhh! Oh, Howard! Oh, Marina! I think we've really cracked it this time.
The perfect disguise.
Ooh, Howard! You're not just small and sexy, but you're diabolically clever.
I wouldn't say diabolically.
This is what I call a perfect English scene.
What a place to leave a pole! I'm finished! You WILL be finished if you break that crockery! I've had enough.
Pole-vaulting is out! Done! Finished! I think he's trying to tell you that he's finished.
You can't finish now.
Tha's nearly killed me twice.
Rubbish! A few bruises.
A few? If I were naked, I'd look like a black pudding in wellies.
My word.
What a terrible thought.
I WAS going to have a sausage roll, but I don't think I'll bother now.
Well, I'm disappointed in you.
If Nora Batty's not worth a few bruises But it's not getting me any nearer to Nora Batty, is it? Of course it is.
That's where it's heading.
You've cracked the worst bit.
Your bruises are behind you.
Behind you, in front of you, all around you.
You're getting the hang of it now.
You should have seen yourself at the farm.
You were magnificent! Ask Clegg.
Was I magnificent, Norm? In flight, you were magnificent.
The landing was a bit yuk.
That could happen to anybody.
Why does it always happen to me ?! Because you are going to impress Nora Batty.
Listen I'm not one to give advice to black puddings, but are you sure you want to continue with this? Are you lot still here? Aaagh! There we are.
I mean, what a thing to bring into a catering establishment.
A damn great pole! I thought they were Ukranian round here? Not that kind of Pole.
No.
A great, long, wooden thing.
Foggy Dewhurst.
He brought it in.
What did they want with a pole in a cafe? You tell ME.
It's no good looking for sense.
Mine's gone fishing.
North Pole, I think, judging by the clothes he was wearing.
Maybe that's what it was.
Maybe it was a fishing pole.
It certainly had three right maggots on the end of it.
They pick up such weird things.
Mine certainly does.
You hear about women goin' through their husband's pockets.
All I ever found was fuse wire and a set of feeler gauges.
My Wally used to carry little titbits for his favourite pigeons.
My Syd always had a couple of toffees all covered in tobacco and fluff.
Always two toffees, covered in tobacco and fluff.
Barry's orderly with pockets.
It could be a bluff.
He never overloads his pockets.
He doesn't care for unsightly bulges.
Will you be quiet, girl ! You weren't brought up to discuss unsightly bulges.
Someone's going to be very stiff in the morning.
Why should we be stiff? Not us.
Him.
Oh, him! Well, he's bound to be stiff if he keeps running into walls and falling on things.
I was never really adept at sports.
Even at school.
I always felt that I should've run the three-legged race solo.
He was pretty nimble at school, wasn't he? Especially with his mouth.
You daren't ever let him hear the rustle of a bag of sweets.
He nearly ate Shirley Cawthorne.
Every playtime.
It was embarrassing.
Who did you have a crush on at school, Foggy? The girls' gym mistress.
I loved her from afar.
It never came to anything.
Didn't she marry that little Welshman? Yes.
I could never understand it.
Well, maybe he came in handy for practice when she hadn't got a ball.
Passing the Welshman? Not my idea of a good workout.
Never became really popular.
Maybe they don't bounce too well.
Although to listen to them, you'd never think so.
I think I've got it this time.
Ger-onimo! If you do it correctly next time, I think you'll be ready for the big one.
Wow! The big one! I think he's ready.
He thinks you're ready.
I'm ready, I'm ready.
It's higher.
It's a higher wall.
You're very shrewd for a black pudding.
It's higher than the one I practised on.
Yes, if you want to get meticulous.
Just a little.
So what? You just have to give a bigger jump, that's all.
Why can't I impress Nora Batty on a little wall? Shrewd.
Shrewd.
Because THIS is the wall she lives near.
You want her to see you.
Life's just awkward.
It sure is, Norm.
Look out.
She's not alone.
So what? This is your chance to impress ALL the ladies.
Aye, I've always been wicked with the ladies, Norm.
You can't resist them, can you? You can't break the habits of a lifetime, Norm.
# Oh, put me amongst the girls # Put me amongst the girls # - Whatever's he got there? - It's that damn pole.
- Often need a stick at that age.
A stick ?! This is my pole ! What do you need a pole for? What do I need a pole for? Tha ravishing creature To help thee with the clothes line.
Stand back, ladies, and hang on to your hats.
It's going to be a thrill a minute.
Right, let's be havin' you.
You too, come on.
Howard! I was just passing when this falling person here knocked me into the arms of this other fisherman.
BBC 1991