Family Guy s13e07 Episode Script

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! You are watching Amazon Prime, the network that brought you your sunscreen in two days.
Amazon Prime-- like the eighth best way to watch TV.
Hi, Chris, how was school? Wait, what's that note pinned to your backpack? Bet it's from a girl in the lunchroom who wants a taste of corn dog.
Was that a sex joke? It's I don't know, shut up.
Oh, dear, it's from Principal Shepherd.
Peter, he wants to see us first thing tomorrow.
Oh, Chris is in trouble.
Sounds like he needs a little fatherly wisdom.
Better get my pipe.
Peter, I think that's the wrong kind of pipe.
I'm sorry, Mom.
I haven't been doing too great in school lately.
Well, that's very disappointing.
I guess your father and I will have to talk to the principal and figure out how to handle this.
Ah, I wouldn't worry, Lois.
I never did very well in school either.
I even failed homeroom.
Peter Griffin? There.
Thank you for coming, Mr.
and Mrs.
Griffin.
Chris seems to be struggling in his classes, and often when kids have trouble in school, it's because something is going on at home.
I haven't been attracted to Lois for a year and a half.
Principal Shepherd, exactly how poorly is Chris doing? Well, right now, he has a D-minus average.
His only hope is his history final tomorrow.
If he fails that, I'm afraid he'll have to repeat ninth grade.
This seems more like a phone call.
Oh, my God.
I-I always knew Chris wasn't a great student, but I had no idea the situation was so dire.
Don't worry, I'll make sure Chris passes history.
You can count on me.
The same way NASA counted on me during the Apollo 13 crisis.
All right, I'm gonna need three coffins-- mahogany with brass handles-- three new daddies for the dead astronauts' kids, and a black suit for me.
Sir, I think I know a way we can get them back.
Is it hard? It might be.
Yeah, we-we've kind of already decided we're going in this direction.
All right, Chris, you got a lot riding on this history exam tomorrow.
I know.
Sam Cooke didn't know much about history, and he got shot in a hotel wearing nothing but a sports coat and a shoe.
Yeah, that's hilarious, Chris, but we've got to buckle down.
Now, I'm gonna help you study by nailing your door shut.
That way, you'll have no choice but to hit the books.
Oh, crap, I left my phone in there.
Damn it, it's nailed shut.
Dad, it looks like some girl sent you a picture of her privates.
Oh, crap! Lois! I don't have the phone! Stop sending pictures! I already sent four more! Chris, put down the phone! Don't look at those! Wait a minute, that's both her hands! Who the hell is taking the pictures?! All right, give me that phone and get back to work.
And before you judge your mother-- you did most of that damage.
Oh.
Hey, Chris.
Just wanted to see how the studying's going.
You guys, I've been at this all night, and I haven't learned a thing.
There's no way I'm gonna pass Mr.
Harpington's history test.
Oh, come on, Chris.
I'm sure that's just the nerves talking.
Here, I'll quiz you.
Who said, "We have nothing to fear but fear itself"? Scooby-Doo? No.
Shaggy? It's nobody on Scooby-Doo.
Wow, Chris, you, uh you really don't know history.
And if I fail ninth grade, I won't amount to anything.
I'll end up being one of those bus drivers that parents don't completely trust.
You have a beautiful child, Mrs.
Roberts.
God, poor Chris.
He's studying as hard as he can, but it doesn't seem to matter.
Well, we got to do something.
If he doesn't pass this test, he's gonna have to Hey.
he's gonna have to repeat ninth grade.
Well, there's not much we can do about it.
Some people just aren't able to learn from books.
Well, maybe he doesn't have to.
What do you mean? Maybe there's a way to actually show Chris history with my time machine.
You know, that's really nice of you, Stewie.
Well, he's my brother.
We've got to stick together.
Like that two-headed girl on TLC.
Okay, who wants to taste it, and who wants to smell it? All right, we'll just tell Chris he's dreaming, because I don't want him to know about my time machine.
Why not? Eh, it's like having a pickup truck.
Once people know you got one, there go your weekends.
Chris? Can you hear me? Huh? You're dreaming.
I'm dreaming? Yay! No consequences! So lifelike! All right, let's go back six minutes and try this again.
Chris, you're dreaming with consequences.
What? That's right.
We're gonna take you on a special dream trip to help you pass your history test.
You are? Yes, and there's so much to learn.
For example, did you know that Jesus didn't really die on the cross? So, what was the cause of death? Cocaine and severe trauma to the colon.
Yeah, I'm gonna need to see those forms.
Don't look at me like that.
Babe, I told you, it's a business trip.
All right, I've got the return pad, and the time machine is powering up right now.
We should be leaving any moment.
This thing is awesome.
Stewie, can you believe Brian built this? Wait, what? Oh, hey, come on, guys.
"Who built what" is not a question on the history final, right? Good point, Brian.
That's why victory is always Brian's.
You dick! How much of my stuff have you taken credit for?! Hey, everybody? Just so you know, I'm straight.
All right, Chris, I reviewed your textbook, and I've programmed a tour of the various historical events that you'll need to know for your exam.
So, pay close attention.
First stop-- Washington, D.
C.
The year is 1803.
Ah, the future.
Now, the man at the podium is Thomas Jefferson.
And this is a very important moment.
He's trying to convince Congress to approve the Louisiana Purchase.
Come on, guys! We're getting Oklahoma, Arkansas, Nebraska, Kansas, Wyoming, North Dakota, South Dakota and Louisiana.
What are the chances all those states suck? This is Paris, 1920.
This bar is where famous American writers, like Ernest Hemingway, would go for a drink.
Oh, my God, there he is! Excuse me, Mr.
Hemingway, can I have a beer with you? Sure! I love life and all the people in it! Thanks.
And, hey, as a fellow writer, I would love to talk to you about the craft.
I mean, God, if only we could get rid of these damn arms and attach the pen directly to the heart, right? You guys, I got his pen! Now, Chris, this is Brazil before the invention of the soccer ball.
Australia before the shark-tooth necklace.
And Italy before pasta.
Ay! Oh! Vowel sound! They were always a ridiculous people.
Hey, Family Guy, you're lucky I got a manicotti in the oven, or I'd bash your face into a bolognese.
That's two kinds of food.
That's how angry I am.
Oh, my God! Where are we?! Omaha Beach, 1944.
This is D-Day.
What's that over there? Oh, that's Double D-Day.
She's my cherry pie Cool drink of water, such a sweet surprise Tastes so good Nein, nein! No fire! Ist gut! Heil hooters! Be careful.
It could be a booby trap! Oh, Otto.
Here we are.
Christmas night, 1776.
The father of our nation, George Washington, is about to boldly cross the Delaware.
What's on his arms? Those are water wings.
He was terrified of the water.
Easy! All right, Chris, it's 1798, and we're in the home of Jane Austen.
Jane Austen? I don't think she's on my history test, Stewie.
Oh, I know-- we're just here to release pent-up time-travel farts.
Awesome! Yeah! Aw, yeah! Give me some of that! Mmm, the insides of men! This is what fuels me! Mmm! Okay, time for some recent history.
This is the 1990s.
And I'll tell myself I'm over you This is the entire 1990s? Yes.
Wait a minute.
Pre-Soviet Russia? This wasn't on the manifest.
Yeah, this is kind of a personal thing.
Hey, Pavlov, you dog-teasing-dick! How's this for positive reinforcement?! All right, where to next? I want to kill more scientists! All right, Chris, that was the British Parliament, 1912.
Next, we I say, that looks like a young Charlie Chaplin.
Sir, please, take this money and use it to pursue your dreams.
Danke.
Stewie, I think that was a young Hitler.
You just gave money to Hitler! Yeah, but before all the crazy stuff.
All right, Chris, let's discuss what you've learned so far.
Now, what is your biggest takeaway from our travels? That you can't take a good nap with keys in your pocket.
For God's sake, Chris! You clearly have not paid attention to anything we've shown you! You're absolutely hopeless! Did you ever consider-- the reason you're having trouble passing ninth grade is that you're incapable of anything else?! That this is the absolute zenith of your ability?! Zenith means top.
No, it means TV.
Ha! Now I'm catching fire.
Damn it, Chris, your problem isn't book learning, it's that you're a moron! This whole trip has been a complete waste of time! Screw you, Stewie.
You're a jerk! And I'm gonna win that bowling tournament, with or without you! What is he what? He-he doesn't even know what we're preparing him for! Chris? Chris, come back! Well, we've looked all over London.
He's nowhere.
I don't know what the hell we're going to do.
Hey, Stewie! If I'm such a moron, then how did I get on a fancy boat?! See you later, douche bags! Oh, crap! Chris is on the Titanic?! No, no, it's okay, Brian.
We'll just go back in time to before Chris ran off.
Oh, and I took your fancy smoke detector! My God, he's got the return pad! Brian, we've got to get on that ship! Attention, passengers.
The karaoke contest will begin in five minutes.
Okay, now we've really got to get on that ship.
Brian, we have to get on that ship! It's our only hope to save Chris.
There! Jump onto that mooring rope.
We can use it to pull ourselves up.
Oh, thank God, I wasn't sure we were gonna make it.
I wasn't worried.
I've faced bigger challenges.
Like trying to dress Jonah Hill for the Oscars.
Okay, okay, perfect.
Tell him to stay exactly that weight.
Yes? Damn it! Oh, my God, Brian.
This ship, it's it's unbelievable.
It's even more magnificent than I imagined.
That, Brian.
That.
That's what I was telling you about.
That's brocade.
Come on, Stewie, we got to find Chris and the return pad before it's too late.
All right, let's split up.
I'll go search in first class, you go down to steerage and wade through the gross Irish and Italians.
That's two.
Ugh, God knows what I'm gonna find in steerage.
Bunch of drunk, fat, pie-faced Irish fools.
Excuse me, have any of you seen a blond teenage boy? Who's asking? Yeah, who the hell are you? And I'm the baby! Chris? What the hell? Stewie, what are you doing? Uh, dining at the captain's table.
Everyone at this table was the first person to refrigerate something.
I refrigerated shoes.
Because everybody likes a cool toe.
Also, I gave the string quartet the sheet music for "Highway to the Danger Zone".
You have the sheet music for "Highway to the Danger Zone"? Uh, yeah.
What do you think I keep in this backpack? It's all PowerBars and sheet music.
Stewie, you're supposed to be looking for Chris.
I did-- he wasn't in the Turkish bath, the veranda café or the Bloody Handkerchief Ball.
Oh, dear.
Relax, Brian, I think I see Chris right now.
Really? Where? I'm gonna go ahead and bet he's the guy with the whole chicken stuck on his head.
Hey, you're not Chris.
Pardon me, that's my hat! I know this thing's gonna sink, but I'm having a good time.
Stewie, look! Chris, there you are! Well, well, well.
If it isn't Booger Breath and the Mushroom Tip.
Wh-Which one of us is which? Chris, we have got to get off this boat.
The Titanic was one of the biggest disasters in history.
Well, if you're so worried, why don't you alert the crew and save everyone? Because, Chris, we can't alter the past.
That's the first rule of of, uh uh, dreaming.
Besides, saving this ship would mean talking to, like, 80 people, and I-I'm just not in that kind of mood right now.
Look, Chris, just give us that thing you took so we can all get home.
Quick, Chris, Stewie, get on! To home! Or I'll just put in the coordinates.
Damn! The return pad! It's been destroyed! What?! The whole thing's been waterlogged! I'll need to dry it out and completely rewire it.
This would make a great movie.
And the parts I need to fix the return pad certainly aren't on this ship.
We have to somehow get to dry land.
Dry land?! Stewie, almost everyone on the Titanic died! All right, calm down, Brian.
No-- there's so much I haven't done.
I've never even successfully made love to a woman in the shower.
Aah, my back! Should I put my foot in the soap dish? Yeah, try that, and maybe stand on your tippy-toes.
Aah, how does water make it dry?! This isn't gonna work.
Brian, this is our only hope.
The majority of people who got on those lifeboats were women of noble birth.
Now, I've given us all backstories.
I am Lady Antonia Tyler Carrington, the Duchess of Lancashire, the heir to the Earl of Portsmouth, and the cousin of the Countess of Wessex.
Okay, great.
And who are we? I don't know, you're just two sluts with me.
Hey, there's a lifeboat.
Uh, yeah, but it's got one of those funny Southwest lifeboat attendants.
Hey, here's a reminder-- as you exit the boat, don't forget to give us your extra snacks because as you know, we work for peanuts! That's refreshing.
Most of those guys are all serious.
There, that one! It's our last chance.
Hey, they learned it! What a bunch of pros.
Hello there, sir.
We are three noblewomen in distress Sorry, boat's full.
Um, what if one of us were to turn this big ship into a "tug" boat? Wink, wink.
Wouldn't help you.
You're the fourth person to offer that, and I'm kind of spent.
I don't believe this.
Dear God, we're stuck here.
We're going to drown on the Titanic.
Oh, no, we're not.
Hey! I said you can't come on here.
Get out of my way, you son of a bitch! Oh, no! I can't swim without my striped one-piece! Everyone move over.
We're getting on this boat.
Please take my baby! Yeah, I'm sorry, if I take your baby, I'm gonna have to take everyone's baby.
Can you believe that woman? Putting me on the spot in front of everyone.
To home! You see what you started? Wow, Chris.
You just saved our lives.
Thank you.
Oh, it was nothing, Brian.
Listen, Chris, I, um I think I owe you an apology.
I'm not someone who often makes mistakes, but, well, I was wrong earlier when I called you a moron.
No, you were right.
You're the smart one in the family, and I'm the dumb one.
Oh, you're being too hard on yourself.
Look, you may not be "book smart" or "history smart," but you're "throw people off the boat" smart.
And, frankly, I'm starting to think that's the best kind to be.
Thanks, Stewie.
Well, looks like one ship was saved today-- a relation-ship.
Oh, thank God, we're back.
Wow, what an adventure! Thanks, Dream Brian.
Thanks, Dream Stewie.
Brian, Stewie! I just had the most amazing dream.
I was on a famous boat called the Gigantic.
Yeah, he's gonna fail that test tomorrow.
Well, we gave it our best shot, Stewie.
It was still a nice thing you did for your brother.
I suppose.
I just hope that Chris killing one extra man on the Titanic didn't alter anything in the present.
There he is.
"Nigel Harpington.
" Wait, "Harpington"? Isn't that the name of Chris' history teacher? Yes, I think you're right.
That must be his ancestor.
Which means that Chris' history teacher was never born.
Hey, everybody, I'm Teacher Doug, and I don't believe in tests.
Yay!