Bob's Burgers s13e13 Episode Script

1
Look at us, walking to school.
Walking so fast. A little too fast.
- Let's slow down.
- Thank you.
Sorry, I'm just so excited to
be working at your school today.
Helping out in the front office.
Doing my once-a-year
parent volunteering.
Once a year seems like one
too many times, if you ask me.
It's important to help out.
And also, they make you feel
really bad if you don't do it.
But I like it. Hanging
out in the office,
copying, stapling, officing.
Hey, we should have a little secret code
to say hi to each other.
- We could wave, like this.
- Okay.
Very secret. You sure you're not CIA?
Ugh, I wish Mom could be
at school all the time.
Wait, Mom, how many grades
would you have to flunk
to be back in my grade?
- I don't know. Thirty?
- Okay, get on it.
- Linda, good morning.
- Good morning to you, Ms. Selbo.
Welcome back to the nerve
center of the school.
Or nerd center, with some of these kids.
- Ha! Aw, nerds.
- Yeah.
Anyway, today, I would love your help
- stuffing these envelopes.
- All right.
- You need me to copy anything?
- No, that's okay.
The last time you
volunteered here, you
Well, you're kind of
a hard button pusher.
Two. Zero. Copy.
Yeah, they just popped right off.
- Those buttons.
- Not really.
And, of course, if you want any coffee
from the teachers'
lounge, help yourself.
Before Coach Blevins fills up his
"everybody look at me" huge thermos.
Ooh, teachers' lounge coffee.
- Yum.
- Well
So yeah, I'm volunteering today.
That's great. I'm not.
And you think Louise Belcher stole it?
- What?
- Yes, I do.
I can't prove she stole the
toy. I just know she did.
It's so Louise to take
a What's it called?
The thingy you mash and it
shoots up like a missile.
A mash missile?
My Louise, a thief? Not my Louise.
Maybe my Louise. No, no. Not my Louise.
Well, I'm off to my counseling seminar.
It's on executive function.
And it's a luncheon.
It's an executive function luncheon.
- Gotcha.
- But when I'm back this afternoon,
I'll skillfully question
Louise, she'll confess,
and then we can move on with our lives.
- What if she doesn't confess?
- She will 'cause she did it.
And if she doesn't, she still did it.
'Cause I can't file
away this incident report
until I have a name.
Oh, and I put the incident
report in this thing.
Did you know we had these?
With the little string? They're fun.
Hey, Bob, I was at the pie place,
Just One of the Pies,
and they had a promotion
where people put their
business card in a bowl,
and then they pick one and
the winner gets a free lunch.
- You should do that.
- Uh, yeah. Maybe.
I could be the first to enter.
Is this your business card
that you hand out to people?
Yeah, I mean it's a little old.
You don't like it?
What's the matter with it?
Well, it says "The Handy Hubby."
And "Hubby" is crossed out.
- So it just says "The Handy."
- Yeah, well, I was married
when I had those made, then I wasn't.
And-and also, I can't
read your phone number.
Yeah, 'cause I changed my phone number
and I wrote in a new one,
but the pen was smudgy.
You wrote your new number on every card?
Well, I'm not gonna get them reprinted.
We're not all millionaires, Bob.
I mean, Teddy, I don't
think you want a card
that says "The Handy" and then
a phone number written in pen.
- It may be time to get new cards.
- It is?
I think they're not expensive nowadays.
You could probably do it online.
Let's do it! You got your laptop?
Oh, I didn't know I
was gonna be involved.
I need you, Bob. I
need your artistic eyes.
Plus you can help me not get hacked.
- Why would you get hacked?
- I don't know.
Oh, wait, it's your laptop.
You'd be getting hacked.
- So, are you gonna go get it, or what?
- Oh, my God.
Frond's already decided
Louise stole that kid's toy.
But did she?
Mmm. That is a good-tasting envelope.
Psst. Hey, Mom. Remember? Our code?
- This means I'm saying hi to you.
- Hi, Tina.
I'm going to the nurse's
office for a Band-Aid.
I scraped my knee.
Skirt life, am I right?
Mm-hmm. Oh.
- Uh, back in a sec.
- Okay.
- Tina.
- Yeah?
Listen. I got a question about Louise.
Hey, guys.
Shh. We're whispering for some reason.
Fun. Need anything from the bathroom?
- Up-bup-bup. Hold on.
- I can give you maybe 30 seconds.
Do you two know anything about
a mash missile getting stolen?
Oh, yeah. Jason Jeffers'
Burobu mash missile.
Wait, Burobu? Like that
thing Louise is into?
I thought those were only trading cards.
I think they make different toys, too.
And they might have
their own line of salsa.
Oh, boy. Do you think Louise stole it?
- What? No.
- Yeah. No, right?
Yeah, probably not. But, I mean
She is a mischievous little minx.
- Yeah.
- But no. Probably.
So you haven't,
like, seen her with a mash missile
or hiding a mash missile or anything?
This is definitely past 30 seconds.
I mean, this morning,
Gene and I were with Louise
at her locker, and it was pretty empty.
And so was her backpack.
That's good, that's good.
Her backpack was really empty.
Like, man, fourth graders
do not get a lot of homework.
It's coming, fourth
graders. It's coming.
Okay. Kids, go. Gene, go.
I already did a little.
Knock, knock.
Hi. I need to borrow Louise a sec.
I just need to give
her her lucky pencil.
You don't have to talk
about it this much.
Let's see this quote,
unquote lucky pencil.
Listen, I don't know
how else to ask this,
so I'm just gonna ask.
Jason Jeffers' Burobu mash
missile that went missing.
- You didn't take it, did you?
- What? No.
- You're sure?
- Yes.
Okay. Then I believe you.
Well, you should believe me.
I'm also slightly hurt you'd think
I'd do that in the first place.
I mean, I'm a spunky kid,
but a thief? No, ma'am.
I know, I know. And I
was also a spunky kid.
I, uh, borrowed stuff
from stores, you know?
I set a few fires, I get it.
- Geez, Mom.
- Not big fires. Just small ones.
Well, one got big. But it started small.
The point is, I understand.
You can tell me if you did it.
Mom. I'm telling you I didn't do it.
Even though it was Burobu,
your favorite thing.
Yeah, I love Burobu. Cards.
But the Burobu mash missile is duh-umb.
It has nothing to do with
the cards or the world.
Right. Okay. Too dumb for you to steal.
Wait, why are you asking me this, Mom?
Does someone think I did it?
No. No. No. No. No.
Okay, you just said "no" so many times.
- I love you. Goodbye.
- Hey, you're pushing.
-You're pushing
-Go, go Hi! She's back.
So Louise is innocent.
But Mr. Frond is gonna try
and pin it on her anyway.
Unless I can prove she's innocent
before Mr. Frond comes back.
Okay. Yeah, that could work.
- You can do this.
- Thank you for the encouragement.
So, Mr. Frond thinks Louise
stole the mash missile thing?
- Yeah.
- But she didn't.
And I'm gonna prove it.
Right. You keep saying that like that.
But also, it's definitely something
- she could have done, right?
- No.
I mean, maybe?
Oh, definitely maybe. But no.
You said it was a Burobu
thing, right? She loves Burobu.
Yeah, but she doesn't
like this Burobu thing.
And Tina and Gene said
that the mash missile
wasn't in her locker.
And it wasn't in her
backpack, Mr. Quick to Judge.
You know, we're lucky
I'm working here today.
I can crack the case from the inside.
- Um
- Now I just need to get rid of Ms. Selbo.
That doesn't sound good.
Shh. It's fine. Love you.
We never spoke. Goodbye.
Back from the teachers' lounge again.
Mmm, coffee, right? So brown.
- You sure are staying caffeinated.
- Yeah, um, to be honest,
Ms. Selbo, you're
looking a little groggy.
- Oh. That's fun to hear.
- Yeah.
I guess I could use
some terrible coffee.
Mm-hmm. I'll-I'll watch your desk.
- Okay.
- No rush. Take your time.
Drink it there. It's a nice atmosphere.
- Is it?
- Uh-huh.
Oh, this is a good envelope.
"Burobu mash missile belonging
to Jason Jeffers " Mm.
"Last Tuesday, recess, on the grass,
put it down and it was gone."
- Hey, Mom.
- Ah!
I just found something
I wanted to give you.
Okay, what?
Yeah, yeah. You, too.
"Possible suspects
Parentheses The usual baddies."
Some names. "Louise hearts
Burobu equals Louise did it."
- Unbelievable.
- Ooh, that's gritty.
- Gritty coffee.
- Crap.
Oh, no
And stuff. And st
Oh, stuff. Oh, hey, you're back.
Yup. Am I perky enough for you now?
Yeah, sure.
Okay, I've got some suspects.
I need to start eliminating some names.
How do I do that?
Oh! Ms. Selbo?
You know what I've always wanted to see?
Uh, the list of who's absent and when.
You want to see that?
Yeah. I love all that
behind-the-scenes stuff.
- This? Y-You want to see this?
- Yeah. Wow.
There's that name.
And there's that name.
So interesting.
You're kind of bumming me out, Linda.
Have you never seen
interesting things before?
Oh, this looks easy.
Just got to type in
my info. Ugh, my name.
I don't have a good business card name.
What do you mean "good
business card name"?
You got a great business
card name. Bob Burger?
It's not Bob Oh, my God.
Do you want to change your name?
I don't know. I bet I'd get more
business if my name was, like,
- Jim Thunder or something.
- I'd hire Jim Thunder.
Maybe not to do my taxes.
Or do heart surgery.
- But anything else.
- Mmm.
Although, would Jim Thunder be
a handyman or something cooler?
Like a bounty hunter.
So maybe I could be
Jim Thunder Bounty Hunter.
- I don't see why not.
- Hi, Lin.
The kids on Frond's incident
report that aren't Louise,
they were either absent
or they have an alibi.
You're allowed to look
at the incident report?
Probably not. But one kid was out sick,
one kid was at a club meeting,
another kid had a sports thing.
What? How do you know all that?
It's all written down.
Also, if Ms. Selbo ever asks you,
I really love filing
systems and lists of names.
- Okay
- I'm at a dead end here, Bob.
Well, maybe it's somebody
else that liked Burobu?
- Or it's Louise.
- Yes. Right, good idea.
Not Louise. But yes. Burobu people.
Okay, I got to go save our kid. Bye.
All right, bye. I'm doing
important stuff, too.
Slow, no bouncies, please and thank you.
Got all of that one.
Attaboy, Rudes!
Hi, kids. Uh, Louise, let's, uh, talk.
- Okay.
- Listen, I've been trying to clear you,
but all I'm finding is
kids with perfect alibis.
Who else likes Burobu?
Mom, you're asking the wrong question.
The mash missile is
offensive to Burobu fans.
We hate that thing.
Oh. Maybe a Burobu kid destroyed it.
Maybe they didn't want it.
They wanted to murder it.
I don't know, man. I
can't think of anyone
who would want to waste
their time on that cheap,
stupid, sticky, stinking hunk o' junk.
- Louise, you're up.
- Mom, I got to go.
I have a ball to kick. Also,
I'm innocent, by the way.
Oh, yeah, that is a big thermos.
- What?
- Oh, nothing. Play balls!
Eh, so many options.
Yeah, I want to say,
too many? You know what?
A mechanic gave me a card one time.
He was not a good mechanic,
but the card was great.
I can't believe I'm saying this,
but I think I'm gonna go get it.
Okay, you want to teach me how to cook
- in case someone comes in?
- What? No.
But if they say they
need food right now,
- I'll go in there and give it a shot?
- Teddy, no.
Might as well give me
your apron, just in case.
No. No, thank you.
Ha. Got it. Mm-hmm.
Hmm.
Tina and Gene said the mash missile
wasn't in her locker.
And it wasn't in her
backpack, Mr. Quick to Judge.
I mean, I guess I could just peek
in Louise's room since I'm here.
Just tilting the door
open. Not even going in.
Maybe going in a step or two.
Please don't let darts
hit me in the face. Huh.
Okay, checking out
the incident report again.
Stuff, stuff, stuff.
Victim statement. Jason went to lunch.
He ate his peanut butter
and honey sandwich.
Then he took his toy out of his locker,
brought it to recess,
put it down on the grass,
stepped away, and then it was gone.
Wait a minute.
Peanut butter and honey sandwich.
Sticky fingers. Sticky.
I can't think of anyone who
would want to waste their time
on that cheap, stupid,
sticky, stinking hunk o' junk.
Sticky, sticky, sticky
How would she
know the toy was sticky?
- Hi, Bob.
- Hey.
So, the thing that went
missing was a Burobu
- mash missile, right?
- Yeah.
Well, I went into Louise's room.
Did a giant ball roll
down and crush you?
Surprisingly, no.
But on her desk was a Burobu Magazine,
and the one page
that was dog-eared in it
had a picture of the
Burobu mash missile.
Oh, crap. And she said "sticky" to me.
- Huh?
- It's a long story,
- but it's bad news for Louise.
- Crap.
Hey, did you ask Linda about
the whole Jim Thunder thing?
You're not a Jim Thunder, Teddy.
- Crap. Crap. Crap.
- Oh, no, Linda, what's wrong?
Uh, that was my husband.
His hat fell off.
- Oh.
- Yeah. Husbands with their hats.
Stay single, I say.
Well, then. I'm gonna
eat my leftover soup.
-Aw.
-It's not sad. It's just my lunch.
Oh, is it lunchtime? For the kids, too?
It is. They need to eat
every day, as it turns out.
Be right back. Enjoy your
not sad leftover soup.
It's just regular soup.
- Hey, kids.
- Oh, hey, Mom.
I have been saving this
seat for you for years.
Would you guys mind if I
spoke to Louise privately?
Okay.
- Is this good?
- A little more.
She's here one day.
Louise, look. Now would be
a good time to tell me the truth
about taking the mash missile.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Mom.
Why am I still being accused of this?
And also, I told you the truth.
And you can tell it's the
truth because it's the truth.
Well, why'd you fold over the
page in your Burobu Magazine
with the mash missile on it?
Wait, how do you know about that?
Did you search my room?
- No. Your father did.
- What?
- Did he get booby-trapped?
- He didn't, actually.
- Must've been a malfunction.
- Wait a minute.
- This is a private conversation.
- Sorry, sorry.
First of all,
I'm between booby traps right now.
Second of all,
I folded that page because of an ad
for the special Slug-i-cane
collector's pack.
Not because of a mash missile,
which I keep telling you I didn't steal.
It's getting less private,
with all the shouting.
I think we're running out of table here.
- I'm half-cheeking it.
- Okay, well.
When you were in PE, you said
the mash missile was sticky.
Jason Jeffers ate a peanut
butter and honey sandwich
before he took the
toy out of his locker.
How would you know if it was
sticky unless you took it?
Because his hands are
always sticky. That's his thing.
Kids in our class literally
call him Sticky Sticky Jason.
Louise, I can't tell
if you're lying to me,
because now I'm realizing
you are really good at lying,
better than I thought,
and I thought you
were pretty good at it.
Okay, I think we're done here.
Tina, Gene, storm off with me?
- Oh. Um
- I mean, I was done anyway.
Would the last few bites of
my mac 'n' cheese cheer you up?
No. Yeah, maybe.
Hi, Mrs. Belcher. Mac
'n' cheesing it, huh?
Uh-huh.
Everything okay? You look kind of down.
Or maybe you're just looking down
'cause I'm shorter than you.
They think Louise stole
the mash missile thing.
- Oh, my.
- But she's a good girl, right?
I mean, she's complicated.
It's just if she took it, I
don't know where she put it.
It's not in her room,
and Tina and Gene said
it's not in her backpack
- or her locker.
- Which locker?
- What do you mean?
- Louise has two lockers.
Louise has two lockers?
Yeah, her regular one, and
then her Rudyville locker.
She calls it that
because it's near mine.
Number 158, I want to say?
Ooh, I got to go.
Louise, you sneaky
double-locker-haver.
It's okay.
You built it up too much, maybe.
No. It's nice.
It's clean, simple.
- Who wants simple?
- Everybody?
No. You know what I get from this?
"I'm a boring mechanic,
and I'm dead inside."
You don't get that from this.
I want a card that says,
"Hey, world, check me out."
There's a banana,
that could be fun ♪
No banana. Teddy, that
doesn't make any sense.
Ooh, a lasso border ♪
Or a sunglasses sun ♪
Why would someone have a lasso?
Do cowboys have business cards?
Yes, cowboys have business cards ♪
And Western-wear salespeople.
Wonder Woman. Ted Lasso. Lassie.
You ridiculous
person, less is more ♪
Don't be a kid in a candy store ♪
- Oh, there's candy.
- Mm.
They wouldn't call
it a business card ♪
If they didn't
want you to get busy ♪
Your choices are
literally making me dizzy ♪
Also, I don't think you
understand "get busy."
- Teddy, what you want is simple ♪
- Snowman, hockey sticks ♪
- Elegant, clean ♪
- Dreidel, soccer ball, puppy dog ♪
- White space.
- Yin-yang. ♪
- Hi. Can I order?
- Oh, yeah. Sorry.
Mr. Frond's gonna be back soon.
I got to get inside Louise's
second secret locker.
But how do I do that?
Do I get a crowbar? Or some dynamite?
Oh. Or I look in there.
Uh, Ms. Selbo, did you know,
uh, they're giving out free batteries?
In the teachers' lounge? Uh, right now.
- Batteries?
- Yup.
Double-A, triple-A's,
double-D's.
She's buying it.
Seems like an odd
thing to be giving away
in the teachers' lounge.
Oh, crap. She's not buying it.
Um, did I say batteries?
I meant, uh, gift cards
for, uh, places you like.
That doesn't make any
sense, but I do have to pee.
Of course you do. All that coffee?
- Take your time.
- I will. Thank you, Linda.
I love that we use volunteers.
One 158!
Huh. Don't be in Louise's secret locker.
Don't be in Louise's secret locker.
Oh, nuts.
Louise, no. Oh, my face!
- No, no, no, no.
- Mom?
- What are you doing?
- Ah! What are you doing?
Going to the bathroom. Oh, my God.
Louise, you lied to me.
Oh, my Louise. Oh, my baby.
What if you get
suspended? You're branded.
It'll follow you everywhere.
You'll never be president.
- What? Wait, what?
- Mama's gonna help you.
No one's gonna know you took it
and hid it in your secret locker.
I mean, yeah, it was my secret locker.
I don't use it anymore.
I want to believe you, but I don't
because you're so good at
lying, so I am gonna eat it.
That's what I'll do. I'll eat it.
- Ooh. Sticky.
- Mom. Mom.
Mama's here. Mama's gonna help you.
The executive function luncheon
wasn't much of luncheon.
Assorted melon and hummus is not lunch.
Put it back, put it back.
Someone wrote "fart" on this locker.
- Yup. They do that.
- Let me see if that'll wipe off.
That's on there for good.
Linda. Louise. What's going on?
Louise, why aren't you in class?
- I was going to the bathroom
- I was just taking
- a little walk.
- And then I saw my mom
Phillip, I forgot. Your mom called.
She, uh, really wanted to
talk to you about vitamins.
Of course.
That's all we talk about. I
guess I'll go call her back.
I don't understand.
- Why would you ?
- Follow me.
Why didn't you bust us?
Even though I'm totally innocent.
Right, right. Super innocent.
- No, I know.
- You know what?
That Louise is innocent,
because I took the mash missile.
- You took it?
- Why?
I was at my nephew's birthday party,
and my nephew got that exact
same Burobu mash missile.
Not from me. I-I got
him a scented candle.
That's a good present, right?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Eh, sure.
But there is something
wrong with those mash missiles
because kid after kid got hit
in the butter beans by that thing.
Okay, that toy's actually
starting to sound pretty fun.
Then, a couple days
later, I'm playing solitaire
on an absolute heater, when I hear
Jason in the hall showing
off his new mash missile.
I tried to warn him about it,
and he said it was
just for show and tell.
He wasn't gonna launch
it. But then later,
that little punk brought it to recess
and went to gather a bunch of kids.
I was gonna yell at them a little bit.
I'm allowed to yell at the kids.
But I broke it. I sort of stepped on it.
I might have been pumped
up about the yelling.
And I thought, "He's gonna
think I did it on purpose,"
so I hid it under my shirt.
And I ran, Linda. I ran.
And I was like, "I just
stole a toy from a child."
I panicked and hid it
in an unassigned locker.
And you were just gonna
let me fry for this?
No, I was gonna move it somewhere
that I haven't figured out yet.
Or make it explode? Somehow?
Well, it's nice you didn't
want the kids' butter beans
to get hurt, Ms. Selbo,
but you got to come clean to Mr. Frond.
Hell no. I will lose my job.
And I really like having
a job. They pay me money.
It's somewhere to go during the day.
Wait, what if we convinced Mr. Frond
that there wasn't a crime?
Because if there's no
crime, then there's no time.
- I like it, I like it.
- But I broke it.
Actually, it's not broken.
It's just really,
really cheap and awful.
Look, you just got to
click this in there.
Louise, look at you. You
little non-thieving smartie.
I know.
Okay, I am liking this mock-up.
The little hammers,
all around the outside.
The cups-to-ounces
conversion chart on the back.
The tic-tac-toe board on the front.
Yup. All the ideas are there.
They-they all made it on there.
You don't think it's too much, do you?
I do. I thought I made it very clear
that I think it's way too much.
Maybe you just don't
have an artistic eye.
You said you needed my artis
You know what? Never mind.
Plus a handyman does a lot of stuff.
So I need a lot of stuff.
Hi. Sorry to interrupt.
I'm looking for a handyman.
I'd love to take one of your cards.
Oh, no! This is my disgusting
old card that I hate now.
Here, uh imagine all this on here.
Or do you want to take
a picture of the screen?
Yeah, that's
great. I'll call you.
- See, Bob?
- Ugh. Everyone is awful.
Bob, I think I know
what's going on here.
You want to make your own
card, put Bob Burger on it.
I mean, a little. Not that name.
Well, if I buy 500 of mine,
I get a discount on the next 500. Eh?
- Uh, okay.
- Ooh. Look at that cactus.
That'd be good for a guy who sells
Yeah, it was in his locker.
Right in his locker. The whole time.
Isn't that right, Jason?
No. I took it out of my locker.
Did you? 'Cause it was right there.
Yeah, Jason, you think
someone knew your combination,
opened your locker and put it in there?
'Cause the only people who
could do that are myself
and Ms. Selbo, and why on
earth would we do such a thing?
- Yeah.
- Jason, don't touch that. Ew.
And now there's jelly
on Unpopular Parker.
Well, well, well.
Does someone owe someone else
and their volunteer mother an apology?
- Yeah. Mr. Frond does. Oh.
- Sorry
I accused
Oh, oh. There's the bell.
Bye-bye. Everyone go now.
Well, at least I didn't get fired.
That's good. For me.
And I didn't do time for
a crime I didn't commit.
Can save the time for my real crimes.
- Just kidding.
- Uh-oh. End of the day.
I might not have stuffed some,
or most, or any of the envelopes.
No, you did not.
Louise, I'm sorry I didn't believe you.
And then believed you. And
then didn't believe you.
It's okay. You made up for it by
how far you would have gone for me.
Which does make me wonder
how big of a crime you'd
commit for your kids.
- Should we test it out?
- Yeah. Let's do insider trading.
- No.
- Outsider trading?
- Okay.
- Yay!
When you wanna say hello ♪
But keep it on the down low ♪
Or blow a little kiss ♪
She won't wanna miss ♪
Well, it's the Flappity Dappity ♪
The Flappity Dappity ♪
Ooh, the Little Bitty Stinker ♪
The Little Bitty Stinker ♪
The Rubber Elbow Double Down ♪
The Rubber Elbow Double Down ♪
- The ESP ♪
- Oh, the ESP ♪
- The Fake Left, Go Right ♪
- The Fake Left, Go Right ♪
The Wiggle Waggle ♪
- The Wiggle Waggle ♪
- Everybody now!
Just the Pinkies
and the Smoochicane. ♪