Family Guy s13e13 Episode Script

* It seems today that all you see * * Is violence in movies and sex on TV * * But where are those good old-fashioned values * * On which we used to rely? * * Lucky there's a family guy * * Lucky there's a man who positively can do * * All the things that make us * * Laugh and cry * * He's a Fam ily Guy! * Hey! Are you a big, fat bastard who loves eating at Outback Steakhouse, but thinks the portions are too small? Well, good news, fatass, 'cause now there's the Outback Steakhouse Extreme! We don't have a Bloomin' Onion, we have a Bloomin' Pumpkin! You know what else we got? Elephant steaks! And why don't you wash it down with 40 ounces of malt liquor and ranch dressing, you fat! Outback Steakhouse Extreme! Punish! Your! Toilet! Aw, man, I bet that's where Crocodile Dundee eats every night.
Everything in Australia is so fancy.
Yeah, Australia's a beautiful place.
The best thing about going there is you get to fly over the Pacific Ocean.
The greatest ocean of all time.
Tell me you're joking.
Everyone knows that, pound for pound, the Atlantic is the best ocean.
"Pound for pound"? What are you talking about? You can't weigh the ocean.
Yeah, scientists can.
They're doing it all the time.
Pick up a book.
You're an idiot! I'm an idiot? All anybody remembers about your argument is that you're in a wheelchair! Guys, guys Let's stop escalatin' and take the stairs for a minute.
What? What are you talking about? I'm saying you both are making good points.
But sometimes two rights can make a wrong.
I just I just like the Pacific Ocean! It's a good ocean.
And so is the Atlantic.
Isn't this a beautiful planet you two friends live on? I guess Cleveland's right.
I'm sorry I got so hotheaded.
I'm sorry, too.
Here, let me turn your foot back around.
It kind of got twisted up in our scuffle there.
Wow, Cleveland.
You calmed them down just by talking with your mouth and your pretty lips.
Oh, it's nothin'.
Just a little something I learned volunteering as a youth counselor down at my church.
Pretty much just boils down to four or five catchphrases.
Like what? Well, there's the "stop escalatin'" one.
There's "What do you think it means?" "Pray on it, stay on it.
" One's just kind of like a noise: Hmm mmm? That's amazing.
Hey, you're way too good to be doing that for free.
Maybe you should open up an office.
You know, finally start chipping away at some of that horrendous debt you've got.
Yeah, Peter's right.
I mean, it's not like you've found a job since you moved back here anyway.
You know, that's a not-half-bad idea.
And if I charge my first patient $117,000, I'm right back in it.
Thanks for spotting my potential, Peter! Hey, no problem, buddy.
I'm pretty perceptive.
That's how I can always tell which guys in the Wrangler Jeans commercials beat their wives.
All of 'em.
Go around the block again, she's still out front.
We've gone around six times.
Let's just talk to her.
Eh, you're right.
Rip it off quick, like a Band-Aid.
Hey, Meg, you know Mr.
Quagmire, right? Bye! Hey, what's going on here? Oh, I'm selling my old Beanie Babies to make money for the prom.
That seems optimistic.
But look, if you want to make real money, I could try to get you a job at the airport.
They always need new TSA screeners.
Really? Wow, that'd be great! Thanks, Mr.
Quagmire.
And thanks for taking the time.
Most people aren't usually that nice to me.
Ugh, gross.
Mayor West, after working with you for some time now, I believe you are affecting your weird behaviors.
You are doing deliberately odd things to mask dark, maybe even criminal, activities.
You are 100% aware of what you're doing.
I think you're a dangerous sociopath.
Cleveland, let me tell you something.
You're absolutely right.
Well, time to put on my spaghetti hat! I just never feel happy.
I strive for these things, and I get them, but at the end of the day, I still don't feel fulfilled.
Hmm.
This is a problem that requires more tweed.
Is it possible you're not letting yourself be happy? Like you don't feel like you're worth it? No, that's not it.
Hmm.
Maybe your accomplishments don't feel real because your brother isn't here to see them.
Maybe That doesn't feel quite right, either.
Hmm.
You don't want to outshine your father.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Whew.
I was damn near out of tweed.
Okay, now, see? She didn't say "good morning" to me, so I put an orange dot on her boarding pass, which means they're going to search her anus.
I noticed you also circled a bunch of things on her ticket.
Why did you do that? Because otherwise, the line moves too quickly.
You see, the whole thing we're going for here at the TSA is a sort of bored fascism.
Huh.
I think I can handle that.
I did not tell you to approach! Great job! The worst thing a passenger can do is approach your podium before you tell them to.
As bad as those the people we see here every day are much worse.
Boy, Larry, there's a lot to remember.
I I hope I don't screw something up.
Trust me, you have nothing to worry about.
You're basically un-fireable.
What do you mean? Come on, Meg.
Look around.
You're the hottest person who works here.
Oh, wow.
Now that you mention it, everybody does look kind of dumpy.
That's not entirely their fault.
They're all told to wear a pair of their dads' pants.
Oh, speaking of which, tomorrow, bring in a pair of your dad's pants.
Peter, you promised me you would do the dishes.
Well, I was doing the dishes for a while, but they were inexperienced, so I ended up having to rub one out.
Where in the hell did you get the idea that that's what I meant by "doing the dishes"? From Dirty Amelia Bedelia.
Almost done vacuuming the rug! Dammit, Peter! You're making me crazy! Well, you know what? Sounds like you need some counseling.
Maybe you should go talk to Cleveland.
Cleveland? Why would I talk to Cleveland? He's a therapist now, and he's really great at helping people with their problems.
Oh, I see.
You want me to tell your best friend my complaints about you so he can back you up.
The new maid is peeing on me! And she didn't even say anything clever about it! Look, you're the one who said you were going crazy.
Just talk to him.
He's all about helping people get well.
Just like Doc Martens.
So, how are you feeling today? Terrible.
I've got blurry vision.
I feel cold and clammy.
And the nurse told me there's blood in my stool.
Have you tried wearing a lesbian shoe? What? Put this man down for a pair of lesbian shoes.
Huh.
High fever, weight loss, and extreme respiratory difficulty.
Let's have this man intubated and fit with a pair of lesbian shoes.
Hi.
Are you the next crazy person? Um, I guess so.
I've been pretty depressed since my wife died.
I'm sorry, I'm tryin' to read the Costco Connection here.
There they are! All right, since you're a patient, we're gonna talk about you like you're not here.
You get all of her squawkin' out, Doc? Oh, I think we got to the root of the problem.
Didn't we, Lois? Absolutely.
All right, let's dope her up good.
Turn that mouth off.
No, Peter, the problem is you.
What? What the hell are you doing? You're supposed to be my friend.
Dr.
Brown, I just killed nine people! Uh, I mean, I have ducks on my feet.
Old, crazy harmless mayor.
Quack quack! How can Cleveland say I'm the problem? All I do is sit in the bathroom and play on my phone.
Swipe wipe swipe wipe wipe swipe Uh-oh.
That's a perfect example.
You put no effort into this marriage.
Cleveland helped me see that our entire relationship has been you doing whatever you want and me cleaning up the mess.
By the way, your Svengali is out there spraying birds with a hose.
Ha ha! Now you're wet! Peter, I've had enough.
Cleveland and I think we need to make some changes.
Oh, come on.
Are you serious? Yeah.
You're gonna start helping around the house, and we're gonna start doing things together.
We do stuff together.
Just last night, I made you keep track of all the words I know.
"Shoehorn.
" "Engine.
" "Football.
" Did I say "shoehorn"? Yes.
Okay.
"Shoehorns.
" Peter, please I've got an early doctor's appointment tomorrow.
Ooh! "Early.
" "Doctor.
" Put those on there, too.
Uh, should I also put down "appointment"? No, I don't know what that means.
Oh, "means.
" Wow, look at the new girl! She's so hot! Yeah, her breasts and her stomach are different parts of her body! I think she looks weird.
How come she's not shaped like a potato? That's part of the interview and everything.
Whoa, sorry, ma'am, we can't let you through security because you're "da bomb.
" Scott, you're not supposed to make jokes like that! Well, I am carrying more than three ounces of liquid.
Oh, that's so Muhammad Hot-a.
You're playing a dangerous game, Scott! All right, Peter, Cleveland says you should help with the chores.
So today, we're gonna do laundry together.
Okay.
How does this work? Well, you put the wet clothes in the dryer, you close the door and you wait.
Oh, it just went to 39 minutes! So you you just stand here and watch the whole time? Shh-shh-shh.
Ah, the green shirt went by again! If it goes around 30 times in five minutes, you get to have a Diet Coke! All right, according to Cleveland, it's also healthy for couples to have shared activities.
So since you like golf, I thought we could play a round.
So-so what do I do, just aim for the pond? No, you're not supposed to hit it into the water.
But you hit it into the water.
I know I hit it into the water.
Why do they even have water if you're not supposed to hit it there? Because it's fun! We're having fun! Rah! Look, it went further than your ball! Hey, are you doing anything on Friday? No, I don't think so.
Why? Well, I'm doing security at the roller rink if you want to come watch me.
Sure! Great, I'll pick you up at 4:30.
Sounds good.
All right, well, I'm up at the podium.
Time to make marks on pieces of paper no one will ever see again.
I thought we had plans on Friday.
Marla, I think we should just be ugly friends.
Dammit, Cleveland has completely ruined my life.
He's got Lois making me help around the house and spend more time with her.
My own wife! I know what you mean, Peter.
He said I've gotta be more open and receptive to what Bonnie wants to do in the bedroom.
Thank God I can't feel anything back there.
You know what? Screw Cleveland.
He's gonna tell my wife stuff, I'm gonna tell his wife a few things.
What are you talking about? Well, remember how Cleveland banged that stripper at his bachelor party? Oh, yeah! And we were all throwing bread at 'em? Yeah.
Maybe I could tell Donna about that.
Or remember when Cleveland wore briefs under his boxers and we found out and he told us not to say anything? Maybe we tell her that.
Uh, I think Peter's is better.
Okay, but we'll keep mine ready.
Could be the nail in the coffin.
Hey, fellas.
Cleveland, it ain't cool what you've been telling Lois.
All right? You're completely messing things up for me.
And you gotta tell her you were wrong and put things back the way they were.
I'm sorry it's hard for you, Peter, but personal growth isn't always easy.
Look, if you don't change what you're saying, we're gonna tell Donna you slept with that stripper at your bachelor party.
Ah! Ah! What are you doing? I'm gonna play "Locomotive Breath" by Jethro Tull while he runs.
Why the hell would you do something stupid like that? Careful, Peter, or you're gonna lose two friends today.
We now return to Major League Baseball with one distractingly ugly guy behind home plate.
It's two to two in the bottom of the sixth, and I just can't get my eyes off that man with the tall head.
It's quite a game, but man, that guy is ugly.
I'll say, Gary.
What's the count? No idea, Bill.
But you know, that guy hasn't blinked this entire game.
Just a dead-eyed idiot out on a Thursday afternoon.
Yup.
And the longer I watch him, the more I wonder if he's there by himself.
I think you're on to something there.
That seat next to him's been empty for hours.
Right you are, Gary.
I'm gonna see if I can hit him with my apple.
Ah.
Kind of short-armed it.
Oh, I'll get to the bottom of this.
Take care, Donna.
Cleveland didn't show up to my therapy session earlier, and Donna says she hasn't seen him for two days.
Interesting.
Interesting.
She also weirdly told me that she squatted 250 today.
I'm not even sure if that's good.
It's scary good.
Well, I am off to try and get out of this conversation.
Peter, what did you do? He was slightly inconveniencing me and Joe, so we threatened to destroy his family.
What? I know, right?! It's pretty galling.
No, I'm not taking your side, Peter! Whatever the hell you did, you go find him and bring him back! All right, I'll go find him.
God, I'm sorry.
You're makin' me feel lower than a squid at the bottom of the ocean.
Wow, it really inks in here.
What is that? There you are.
Listen up, Meg: this TSA isn't sweaty enough for the two of us.
What? What does that even mean? It means, stay away from Larry.
I'm his girlfriend.
You are? Oh, my God, I thought you were a boy.
Oh, that's it! I will cut you, bitch.
Ow! That hurt a little bit.
This ain't over.
Larry is mine.
What the hell? Th-That was crazy! Like-like crazier than putting cops on Segways.
Help, officer! There's a lady being raped in that alley! Okay, hold on, let me do a small dippy-bob turn.
I couldn't be sure, but I-I think the man has a knife! Are there any steps leading to that alley or is it just a series of gentle ramps? Okay, guys, Lois wants me to find Cleveland.
And since he eats, like, nine candy bars a day, if we wait here at the convenience store, he's bound to show up.
Hey, can you buy us some beer? I don't know, I don't think it'd be right.
Ugh, I knew you weren't cool.
Well, now, now, hold on a minute See? This is pretty cool, huh? Yeah, I guess.
But what we could really use is some weed.
I think that might be over the line.
See? I told you this guy wasn't cool.
Well, now, now, hold on a minute Mr.
Griffin, did you or did you not distribute alcohol and marijuana to minors? No, Your Honor, I did not.
Told you this defendant wasn't cool.
Well, now, now, now, hold on a minute Still no sign of Cleveland? Yeah.
I was thinking maybe our best bet is to just drive around town and see if we can spot him.
Okay, well, he's not at the mini golf course.
Okay, he's still not at the mini golf course.
Oh, wow.
Look at that windmill.
Peter, do you want to go mini golfing? Yes.
Well, he wasn't by the sno-cones! I love today! Hi, Meg.
Larry, what are you doing here? I-I thought we were gonna meet at the Tumi store and see who buys luggage at the airport.
Meg, I've got some disturbing news.
Some Grey security tubs have gone missing.
Oh, my God! The ones we have a zillion of but are somehow never there when people need them? That's right, and I'm going to have to check your locker.
I don't need to tell you how serious this is.
Wait, Larry! I was framed! I bet it was Marla! I'm sorry, Meg, you're fired.
I'm going to need your small, ridiculous tie.
You're firing me? I have a duty to this country.
And with people like you stealing tubs, how are we ever going to catch Abu Nazir? That's not even a real person.
That's the terrorist from Homeland.
And they caught him.
Good-bye, Meg.
Good-bye, Larry.
Meg? I'll miss the way you reminded people about their belts.
We've looked everywhere.
Where the hell could he be? Guys, I think we need to embrace the possibility that Cleveland never existed.
Dammit, if only there was some kind of clue as to where he might be.
That's right, Cleveland had a deli! We should check there! Cleveland! Cleveland! Oh, sweet! Egg salad! Peter, this place has been closed for six years.
So what? Egg salad don't go bad.
Son of a whore! Give me some milk! Okay, that helped.
Jeez, this place is a dump.
Yeah, it is, isn't it? It's a symbol of all my failures.
Cleveland! You're okay! I'm so glad we found you! Hey, listen, I'm sorry we threatened to blab about your bachelor party stripper stuff.
I'd never do that.
'Cause that'd mean I'd have to talk to Donna, and that's that's just, like, "ugh.
" And I'm sorry I caused such problems in your marriage.
Truth is, I was faking it as a therapist.
I've been back almost a year and I still got nothing going on.
Hey, cheer up, Cleveland.
What are you talking about? I'm a cop.
Oh.
W-Wait, that's real? I thought that was, like, a Make-A-Wish thing.
All right, come on, buddy.
Let's get out of here.
And, you know, even though therapy might not be your thing, you've got a job.
As my fourth best friend.
After the dog? After the dog.
Peter, thanks for going to find Cleveland and bringing him home safely.
Hey, that's what friends are for.
Hey, what about you, Meg? What'd you do this week? What, so you can make fun of me? No, Meg.
I'm your father, and I'm interested in what my daughter did this week.
You promise you're not gonna make fun of me? Of course, Meg.
I care about my family.
But I-I feel like you're drawing this out, so when you do make fun of me, it'll hurt more.
What? Well, that hurts, Meg.
You know, you can be very hurtful.
I'm asking you, please-- and-and you don't have to tell me, I want to know because I'm interested-- what you did this week.
It enhances my life to know how yours is going.
You promise? Okay, well, now you owe me an apology.
I'm sorry.
I'm not used to you wanting to know Of course, I'd love to tell you what happened.
Then by all means.
I-- It's just upsetting when you thumb your nose at the family.
But I love you, and I'm looking forward to hearing what you have to say.
Please.
I'd like to hear.
Oh.
Okay.
Well, this is actually kind of funny.
I joined the TSA End of the show! * Nah nah nah nah Family Guy, nah nah start the credits * * Lots of little names, nyah nyah nyah nyah guy! *