Bob's Burgers s13e15 Episode Script

1
Louise, your breakfast is getting cold.
It's just cereal. It's
supposed to be cold.
Or have I been doing it wrong?
I was gonna make cheesy eggs
for everybody this morning,
but someone ate the entire
- brand-new block of cheddar.
- It was sharp cheddar,
which is the best-dressed
of all the cheddars.
That's true.
Morning, Louise. You seem tired.
Why you so sleepy, honey?
Did you have a bad dream
where your father goes crazy
and kills the whole family?
- What?
- No, nothing cool like that.
It's just tomorrow is my
last show-and-tell ever.
- Ever.
- Oh, right, it stops after fourth grade.
But then in fifth grade
you get social studies,
- so that's cool.
- Anyway,
I'm kind of the rock
star of show-and-tell.
It's my thing, it's what I'm known for.
- Everyone agrees.
- That and your dainty feet.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
I've always knocked it out of the park,
and this is my last one,
I really have to bring it.
So I was up all night
trying to figure out
what to do for my last hurrah
and I came up with nothing!
Well, why don't you bring
one of your fun Japanese toys?
That octopus-looking one, maybe?
He's got a story to tell, I bet.
Or at least a funny
thing that happened to him
in the checkout line
at the grocery store?
Oh, Tina, Tina, Tina.
You really don't get it.
I've set a very high bar.
My completely mechanical replacement arm
has ten times the
strength of a normal arm.
This is a drawing of
my pet monkey, Bjorn.
Couple things about Bjorn
He can do the Macarena,
he is an ordained minister
This is a tooth from the
shark that tried to eat me,
and I kick-boxed my way out of its mouth.
We're actually good friends now.
It's made with human remains
from the crematorium next door.
Louise, I think maybe
some of your show-and-tells
weren't exactly honest.
Because they were lies.
For your last one, maybe
you do something real.
What? No. Real life is boring.
Just look at Dad over
there, reading the newspaper.
- Boring.
- Hey.
You think people want
to hear about that life?
This actually isn't boring, Louise.
I'm reading about that old
artillery battery near the wharf.
It says some cannonballs washed ashore.
Speaking of cannonballs washing ashore,
I got to go to the bathroom.
Thank you for that, Gene.
There was an artillery
battery around here?
And what kind of batteries
do artilleries take?
Double-A? It's always double-A.
A battery is a bunch
of cannons, I think.
They used them in the
War of 1812 against
the bad guys?
You know the spot,
there's a cannon there.
Or a statue of a cannon.
We maybe let you play on
it when you were little,
which I assume was okay.
Our town should get playgrounds.
So, yeah, after that
big storm last month,
these old cannonballs washed up
on the beach near the battery,
- which is pretty cool.
- Oh, that storm.
I had to reset all the clocks.
And I didn't check what time it was,
so don't use the clocks
if you need to know what time it is.
Yes, that's it!
I'm gonna go look for a cannonball.
- That's a real thing, right, Tina?
- Uh, wait. What?
No one is gonna go
look for a cannonball.
I don't want any of my
babies getting exploded.
Well, the cannonballs
themselves don't explode, Lin.
They're just a ball of iron.
The gunpowder was in the cannon.
Unless that's their evil plan.
To blow us up a hundred and
something years after the war?
- I don't know.
- Eh, it was a false alarm.
But still give it a
few minutes in there.
Lot of smoke but no fire. What'd I miss?
I'm gonna look for cannonballs
on the beach after breakfast. Who's in?
Sounds fun, but I don't
think I should go anywhere.
I'd feel better if I
could lose this cheddar.
Tina, what about you? You coming?
I mean, I'll go to the beach with you
because that sounds nice,
but I don't think we'll
find any cannonballs.
We may find a pleasant breeze, though.
Aw, a sister cannonball run.
You know, when I was a kid,
we found a box of bullets
in the woods and threw
'em at each other.
But don't do that. And, hey,
stay on the beach, you two.
No going on slippery rocks
where the waves can knock you in.
And there's some caves near there.
Don't go in those.
Because of drowning.
And if we see a volcano,
should we jump in that or no?
No. No volcanoes.
They seem fun but they're not.
So, Bob, you know how Kathleen
likes to watch hurling?
- Uh, no.
- Well, she does. A lot.
She likes watching people vomit?
- Hurling is a sport, Gene.
- Sports?
Ugh, I'd rather watch people vomit.
It's like hockey but on grass.
And they have a ball instead of a puck
and then you can pick
up the ball, I think.
It's a little confusing.
But, uh, I love it.
Sounds like you do.
Uh, yeah, anyway, the bar where
she usually watches it is closing.
The owner's moving back to Ireland,
- to start an American bar.
- Okay.
So, I kind of invited her
here to watch the game today.
But is it even on regular TV?
No, uh, but I have a computer
and a little projector in my truck.
And I can rig it all up.
Doesn't that sound fun?
- I guess.
- Aw, Teddy, look at you rigging up
sports stuff for your special friend.
Some hurlin' and girlin'.
But she's a woman.
Yeah, well, Kathleen likes hurling,
so I'm gonna like hurling. Because
it's good to have, you
know, shared hobbies.
My ex-wife Denise and
I had nothing in common.
Her favorite thing was
going on trips by herself
and not telling me when
or where she was going,
and mine was just sitting at home,
rocking back and forth a little,
and saying, "We're still in love."
Over and over.
- Aw, Teddy.
- Look at you two.
You share some hobbies. You
both like burgers and fries.
Hurling could be me and
Kathleen's "burgers and fries."
I mean, not a hobby, but
- Anyway, great. We're doing it.
- Yes!
It's happening! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
Thank you, Gene. That's very supportive.
Uh, Teddy, I think he's talking about
- going to the bathroom.
- Oh.
Wait. Nope, not happening.
Dang it. What's wrong with me?
This is where I shine. This is who I am!
Aw, my poor blocked-up baby.
I'm gonna beat this. They're gonna make
an independent movie about it someday.
Well, that's the cannon up there.
We're definitely looking
in the right place.
Where are the cannonballs?
I mean, people probably found them all?
Oh, look, there's something.
Oh. No, just part of a dead crab.
But it's kind of cool. Could
work for show-and-tell?
Aah! The legs moved.
You're gonna be fine, little guy. Heh.
Let's keep going.
He's not gonna be fine.
Yeah, besides, I can't
walk into show-and-tell
with half a dead crab, Tina.
I'd get laughed out of
there. I'd get booed.
Wait, people boo at show-and-tell?
I mean, Ms. Labonz boos sometimes.
- Harsh.
- Yeah.
- Hey, there's Gus.
- Hi, Gus.
- Hello, kids.
- You haven't caught any cannonballs
- with that thing, have you?
- Nope, just trying to catch my dinner.
Well, I hope you reel in a pizza then.
Just kidding.
I know pizzas don't live in the ocean.
You know, there were cannons
all along the bluff up there.
They went past the point.
If I was looking for a cannonball,
I'd look over there in the rocks.
Not as many people
walking around over there.
It's a little harder to get to.
Or I'd look in the
caves beyond the point
- if it wasn't so dangerous.
- Interesting.
Another reason people don't go
there is it gets pretty stinky.
- How stinky we talking?
- Pretty nasty.
It comes from a seaweed that
gets washed up called sargassum.
Smells like rotten eggs.
I got some in my boat in
1986 and it still smells.
Not that my boat smelled
great before that, but still.
- Thanks, Gus.
- You're welcome.
Looks like we're going on those rocks.
What? But Mom said
no going on the rocks.
And if we don't find anything there,
- we're looking in the caves.
- Dad said no caves!
Tina, that was before we got
all the hot tips from Gus.
The hot Gus goss.
It's obviously where the
cannonballs are gonna be.
And look the tide's going out.
It's perfectly safe.
Oh, also, the tide's coming in,
so you definitely don't
want to go in the caves now.
Unless you like drowning.
Most people don't.
So be careful looking around over there.
- What did he say?
- I don't know.
- I think he caught a fish.
- Oh. Way to go, Gus.
- Okay, then.
- See Tina? Everything's great.
Gus caught his dinner and
I'm gonna be the winner.
- Of show-and-tell. That's the spirit.
-Aah, aah, aah, aah, aah!
No cannonball there.
No cannonball there.
Whoa. Tina, you see anything?
No, I'm kind of more
focused on not falling off
these very slippery rocks
we're not supposed to be on
and being taken away by the ocean.
Oof, now I smell the seaweed
Gus was talking about.
- Oh, yeah, the sargassum.
- Are you being "sargasstic?" Ha!
Look at the not-dangerous
fun we're having.
Uh-huh, totally. Hey,
I know I'm the one who said
you should do something real
for show-and-tell, but
there's lots of real things
we can find that aren't
near smelly, dangerous rocks.
Tina, this is my final show-and-tell.
This has to be spectacular.
I want people to say, "Just
being near Louise Belcher
"gives my life meaning.
Praise Louise Belcher.
Praise Louise Belcher."
Oh! I don't like when it does that.
Well, maybe it doesn't like
when you're so negative.
Yup, yup. Sorry, ocean.
Uh, the screen seems
like it might be, uh
Incredibly inconvenient?
No, I was gonna say, "a fun obstacle."
Why not just put the
screen on the back wall?
'Cause of the booths, Bob.
If the screen's on the back wall,
the people facing the door can't see it.
This way everyone just
has to turn their head.
Yeah, people like watching things
that are to the side of them.
It's like, "Hey, you."
- Teddy
- Bob, it's fine.
It's just one day.
- And it's just one piece of paper.
- And also all of that.
Right. So you had all
these printed, Teddy?
Well, I had to. You'd be surprised
how few stores there
are that sell posters
with motivational
hurling phrases on them.
What does "shorten the grip" mean?
I'm not exactly sure. I just went online
- and looked up hurling phrases.
- Very smart.
"Three cheers for crisp striking."
I kind of made up the "three
cheers" part of that one.
- It's good.
- Kathleen is gonna love it.
Well, hopefully the other
guys will like it, too.
- Other guys?
- Yeah, I found a local
hurling enthusiast club online.
- I invited them all.
- Y-You did?
Yeah, you can't watch an
exciting live sporting event
in a quiet restaurant.
- Not that quiet.
- Pretty quiet.
Yeah, you can hear Bob breathing.
- Really? You can?
- Yeah, it's nice.
- It's loud.
- I can tell you're alive
when you're back in the kitchen.
- I don't have to check on you.
- Mm.
Well, sounds like we
may have a busy day.
- That's good.
- Yeah, I guess it is.
- The online group is just three people.
- Oh.
Should we put this up here
or should we put it outside?
What's a good spot?
Oh, my old Irish Rose. ♪
It's not a real song,
Bobby. I made it up.
You thought it was a real song.
It's not, it just sounds like one.
Okay. Cool cave. But
it doesn't smell great.
Huh, let's look. Nope, don't
see any cannonballs in there.
Oh, well, we tried. Guess we go back,
see if that interesting
half-crab is still hanging around?
- Tina, I'm going in.
- But Dad said no.
And you know what's fun?
Listening to your parents
and remaining alive.
It's fine, I can just
go in there by myself.
No need for you to feel guilty
or responsible for my fate.
Just because you're my
big sister and my protector
and finding something real
and true was all your idea.
But are we sure the tide is going out?
Looks like it might be coming in?
Tina, I've lived by the
sea for over nine years now.
I think I know a thing or
two about the tides, m'kay?
- Uh
- Oh, uh-oh, look oh, I'm in.
Ah, see how easy it is to go in?
- Look how "in" I am.
- Ugh. Fine.
Whoa.
Right? The smell is another thing
that keeps away the looky-loos.
But not us, because we've been training
our whole lives for
this by living with Gene.
Now, come on. Let's go
find mama a cannonball!
You guys good?
We're good. Cheers.
Isn't this place great?
Good banners, huh?
Such good phrases.
So, uh who are you
guys rooting for today?
- Waterford or Tipperary?
- Can't you tell by what we're wearing?
It's obviously Waterfor
- Tipperary.
- Of course.
'Cause those are the
colors that Tipperary wears.
This guy didn't know that,
- but I do.
- What?
What can I get you hurly-burlies?
Burger of the day for me, please.
- Same.
- Me as well.
And three beers, thanks.
I'll put that order
in for you gentlemen,
and now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go see if
can tickle the ivory.
I'm assuming that's
what toilets are made of.
- Wish me luck.
- Gene.
Go get 'em, honey.
Okay, not loving this.
Not loving this at all.
Everything in my body is
telling me we should leave.
Mostly my nose, because of the smell.
Oh, and yup, that's more water.
Huh. That's more water!
- Louise!
- Yeah?
Cool update. The tide is coming in.
Well, that's odd. And kind of rude.
But even if it is just now coming in,
we have plenty of time.
Come help me look over here.
If I was a cannonball,
I'd love this area.
Whoa. But watch your step.
There's a crevice. Not in a bad way.
It's the good kind of crevice.
Okay, that's a little bit alarming.
I can see now that it doesn't
seem totally safe to be in here.
So, can we go?
Did I hear you say five more minutes?
That seems fair.
- Louise!
- Ugh, okay.
Crap. It should not
be this hard to find a cannonball
from the War of 1812.
I want to write an
angry letter to somebody.
Ken Burns, maybe? Damn it.
Yeah, damn, damn, damn.
And also if we could just
pick up the pace a bit.
- Tina.
- What is it?
Something that we can
walk and talk about?
- Cannonball!
- Wait, seriously? I can't believe it.
Yeah, sneaky little cannonball.
Thought you could hide from me.
Oh, it's stuck. Here,
help me dig around it.
- Louise!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, the tide.
I know. That's all you talk about now.
Keep digging!
I don't want to die,
I don't want to die.
Saying that is super helpful.
- Is it?
- No.
I did it! I found it!
I'm the amazing girl
who found a cannonball in a stinky cave.
Congratulations, Louise. But you know
what's a little more important
right now than that cannonball
- Air, and breathing it.
- Agree to disagree.
- We have to go.
- Uh-uh, no way am I leaving this thing.
She's my baby now.
Which makes you her aunt. Keep digging.
Louise, it's wedged between the rocks.
- Digging's not gonna help.
- Is that what they said
when those raiders
discovered the lost Ark?
No. So dig.
Dig till our faces melt off!
This is really not ideal.
I like turning my head like this.
I'm stretching out my neck.
Also, it's kind of like you're in prison
and I've come to visit you.
- Mm.
- Hey, Kathleen.
- Hiya.
- Kathleen, you made it.
Wow! Look at all this.
It's fun, right? Welcome
to the Hurling Zone.
Eh
- Do you like the banners?
- Yeah.
- I don't think it's too many.
- No.
I-I think it's the right
amount of banners. And those
are some fellow hurling heads.
Ooh, I think some of
them are from Ireland.
- Do you know them?
- It's a pretty big country, Teddy.
- Oh, wait, that's my dad.
- What?
- I'm kidding.
- Right, right.
Could be a cousin though.
So, you folks watch hurling, then?
- They do now.
- Yeah, we do.
- Sports.
- We're-we're trying it out today
and seeing how it goes.
I don't love the screen
being where it is
and I-I miss the way
things were before.
- Oh.
- But, yeah, everything's fine.
I miss the way things were before, too.
When I could poop.
- What?
- Don't look at me!
- He's constipated.
- Just in my butt.
- Uh, have a seat, Kathleen.
- Okay. Thank you.
- Can you see okay?
- Yeah, sure.
Is there any sound?
It's coming out of the projector.
If you're really quiet, you can hear it.
- Shh, shh, shh. Do you hear it?
- Oh, yeah, there it is.
Oh, it's starting.
Look at those guys. Look at them hurl.
Okay, I'm gonna pull. Move over.
Quickly. They're gonna
be pulling us out of here
- once we drown.
- Don't be so dramatic
just because it might happen.
Hey, maybe we can pry it out.
People pry stuff out of things, right?
And another wave.
We've got this, Tina. All that's left
is to pop this sucker
out and skip to freedom.
- I'm not very good at skipping.
- Aah!
Just let go, cannonball. Come to me.
I can take you away from all of this.
Wow, look at them do what they're doing.
I mean, I knew I was
gonna see some hurling,
but I didn't know I
was gonna see hurling.
Uh, yeah. Excuse me, I have to go
to the restroom. I've been holding it in
since, uh, I got here.
Have fun in there.
- Must be nice.
- It's just a wee.
That's how they all start.
- Guys.
- What?
I'm so nervous.
I-I don't get this game at all.
Does it seem like I know
what I'm talking about?
- Oh, yeah.
- Really? Good, 'cause I'm freaking out.
Why? It's going good. Right, Bob?
Oh, oh, yeah.
Um, from what I can see from under here,
you're-you're not acting
too strangely at all.
Uh, no. What? We don't want more fries.
Always upselling the fries, these two.
- Oh, I'll take more fries.
- Great. More fries, please.
That's what I was
trying to tell you, Bob.
- You got to learn to listen.
- Mm-hmm.
Pull harder!
Oh! Oh, oh, my butt.
Tina, look. We did it!
Yeah, great. Let's go, let's
go, let's go, let's go, let's go.
Ow. Butt. Ow. So heavy.
Ow. Butt. Okay, dropping it.
- Okay, picking it up again. Ow, ow,
- Faster.
- Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
- Faster, faster.
Oh, my butt. Oh, my butt.
Okay, this crevice is
probably easier to jump over
when you're not carrying
a heavy cannonball.
I'm assuming. Stand back.
I'm gonna shot-put this baby over.
Wait, is that a good
idea? Oh, you're doing it.
- Aah!
- Aah!
No! My angel! Aah! I can't reach it.
I can't even see it. Where did it go?
I'm pretty sure it went down there.
Is that not what you wanted to hear?
- Aah!
- Guess not.
- Louise, we have to go.
- No. I can swim down and get it.
It's fine, I'm already
covered in stink water.
Do you have any scuba gear? No?
That crevice is so deep we
can't even see the bottom.
The cannonball is gone. We have to go.
- But
- Now!
Okay, fine.
Let's go. Goodbye, stupid cannonball.
You could have had a beautiful life.
You could have been part
of show-and-tell history.
Not just dumb old War of 1812 history.
Up here.
Okay, that was probably the last wave.
Should we head back in?
Yeah, never mind.
Mmm. Oh, wow.
It's like I'm nervous.
Do you eat more when you're nervous?
I mean, I'm not. I
don't. I mean, I don't.
- Yeah, no.
- Uh, Linda.
- Can we get more fries, please?
- Uh, sure.
This is so much better than hockey.
I-I can't even believe
I liked that garbage.
And watched every game I could
and I'm involved in a bunch
of fantasy hockey leagues.
- Remind me to quit those.
- Okay.
- How we doing on those fries, Bob?
- Coming up, Teddy.
You literally just ordered them.
- Uh-oh. Oh, no.
- Oh, boy.
- Oh
- I think we're gonna head out.
- Thanks.
- Wait.
Where are you guys going?
It's just a bit hard to hear. And see.
So we might watch the
rest at Julian's house.
Uh, no, no, no. Don't leave.
This is the Hurling
Zone. We're having fun.
Hey, can you believe, uh,
how much those guys shortened the grip?
You said that a few times today.
I'm not sure you know what it means.
- But, thanks. Bye.
- The grip. They shortened it.
Damn it. No, wait. Don't you leave, too.
I'll get better at hurling watching.
I'll learn to love it and then we can
have the same hobbies
and it'll be great.
I was just getting up to
get more napkins, Teddy.
Oh. Oh, good.
Ah! Oh. Something's changed.
Opportunity's knocking.
Time to take my shot.
- Ow.
- Sorry.
Excuse me. This is
bigger than all of us!
Teddy, it seems like maybe you're trying
way too hard for us
to like the same thing?
- Damn it. Greasy fingers.
- But isn't that what people who
may or may not want to spend more time
with another person do?
Because, I mean, in the past,
I've spent time with people where we had
none of the same interests
and it didn't end great,
'cause we got divorced.
Teddy, I think it's fine
we have different interests.
I like learning what
different stuff you like.
And I already know
about what stuff I like.
I don't even like some
of the stuff I like.
- Come on.
- So, it's okay
that I-I don't like
hurling very much? At all.
And I can't seem to
follow it for some reason
and it makes me angry?
Of course it is. You're not Irish.
We legally have to like
it. Linda, tell him.
Do you and Bob like all the same things?
Oh, God, no. I like cool stuff
and Bob likes working on that little
model airplane for,
like, the last ten years.
It hasn't been ten years.
Wait, it might be longer.
- Crap.
- See?
You big, stupid dummy.
So I get to keep all
my hockey embroidery art
- from Etsy?
- Hell no.
- Okay.
- Teddy, of course you can.
- Oh, thank God.
- Mom! Dad!
The eagle has landed!
I'm myself again. I'm
better than myself.
I feel like I can do a cartwheel.
- Nope, still can't do that.
- We're very happy for you, Gene.
You put in the effort and you did it.
You know, we don't have to
watch the second half, Teddy.
It's-it's it's just a beautiful game,
- and kind of a metaphor for life.
- No, I want to.
Now that I'm not pretending to like it,
- I-I might actually like it.
- Oh, my God.
You like it because it doesn't
make any sense, is that right?
I will stick this fork in you, Teddy.
All right, all right.
Teach me something.
Okay, the ball is called a sliotar.
- Sleeter?
- Sliotar.
- Shleeter.
- That's it. Kind of.
I never was good at languages.
Ugh. What a frickin' bust.
No cannonball, my butt
hurts, I smell like a butt.
I think I might not smell.
But it's hard to tell 'cause
I'm walking next to you.
What the hell am I
gonna do for tomorrow?
Hey, what if we made our own cannonball?
No one knows what they really look like.
We could paint a Skee-Ball
from Wonder Wharf.
They'll never know the difference.
I could put some fake blood on it.
Not sure if a cannonball
would have blood on it,
just thinking out loud.
You know, Louise, you could
tell what really happened.
Oh, what, Tina that I failed?
That I lost the cannonball,
I got stinky sarguss-whatever on me,
I bruised my butt? Everyone's
always talking about how cool
butt bruises are, right?
No, I'm not doing that.
Real life Louise is too disappointing.
Louise, I know you think
you've got to impress everybody,
but I bet the kids in your
class would like to hear about
the stuff that's maybe
a little embarrassing.
Sometimes those stories are
even better than the stories
where everything goes
right. 'Cause they're real.
And because that kind of
stuff happens to everybody.
I mean, there's probably not
always a cannonball involved,
but sometimes, I'm assuming?
And I hope you won't
take it too personally
if I walk a few feet away from you.
'Cause I mean, it is personal, um,
from a hygienic standpoint,
but, you know. You know what I mean.
So, yeah, I tried,
but I didn't get the cannonball,
and the end.
Of show-and-tell, for me, forever.
Uh so
What's that smell?
It's called sargassum.
It's a stinky seaweed
that I'm thinking of
selling to the government
as a biological weapon.
The cool part is you can
wash your hair five times,
and it doesn't come out.
But luckily, I love
the smell of fish farts,
so that works for me.
Oh, and by the way, I also fell
and hit my butt on a
rock. I have a bruise
that looks sort of like
this. Like Australia.
- Or "Ass-tralia?"
- Louise, don't say Ass-tralia.
- And no butt drawings.
- Hey, no bruise shaming, Labonz.
Does anybody else have a question?
One hand tackle
and a two hand catch ♪
- Now we've got shemozzle ♪
- Got the thing ♪
- And we're leading the match, come on ♪
- Uh ♪
Sitting on the town end,
no place I'd rather be ♪
If it's our fate to lose
then let's blame the referee ♪
You think your team can take us? ♪
- Just look at the score ♪
- Dah-bah, dah-dah, score ♪
'Cause we've been
winning since 1884 ♪
Yeah, we've been
winning since 1884 ♪
So, raise a glass
to the tip-top ♪
We'll never be knocked off ♪
And if you root for someone else ♪
Well, then you can just ♪