QI (2003) s13e15 Episode Script
Mix and Match
APPLAUSE Goooooood evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, and welcome to QI, where, tonight, we're mixing and matching a medley of things beginning with M.
Now, let's meet our makers.
The matchless James Acaster.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE The match-fit Jo Brand.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE The match made in heaven, Bill Bailey.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And match abandoned, Alan Davies.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So, let's hear you mix.
James goes EGG BEING BEATEN - That's mixing.
- Is it? Yeah, you're beating an egg, I think.
- Beating something.
- LAUGHTER Now.
You're on your first warning.
LAUGHTER Jo goes ELECTRIC WHISK MIXING Yes, that's masturbation as I know it.
LAUGHTER I'd love to know what the machine is, wouldn't you? LAUGHTER Bill goes TURNTABLE SCRATCHING Ah, yeah.
I like it, yes.
That's masturbation as I know it.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE So, three mixes and Alan goes MATCH OF THE DAY THEME PLAYS - Ah, you see.
- A match.
- Yeah.
So, on with the game.
Now our first "M" tonight is "M" for metals.
Can you see anything on this board, here, that does not contain metal? - Oh.
- You've got a mushroom, the balloon, a stack of coins, a monkey, a star, an Alan Davies - of some kind.
- An Alan Davies.
Well, bodies do contain metal, so it can't be - They do.
- It can't be you - Alan, you contain metal.
- Yes.
- You do.
- I do.
- Enough iron to make a nail.
- Alan specifically? LAUGHTER - Yeah, just Alan.
- Just Alan.
He can make a nail.
But no, that's right, isn't it? The body contains enough iron to make a nail - phosphorus, carbon, water - Magnesium.
- Lime.
- Gold, actually.
- A person You could boil it down to a half-decent kids' party.
LAUGHTER You could get a paddling pool, some fireworks and a tequila slammer.
- All inside us, churning away.
- All inside.
So, it can't be Alan.
No, it's not me.
And I don't I'm - Now, look - Now.
- Things that grow probably have got metal in them - Yes.
- .
.
that's my thinking.
- Yeah.
The fact is, you've brilliantly avoided everything cos all those things contain metals.
When the universe was created - 4,000 years ago, as it says in the Bible.
- .
.
by our Lord.
LAUGHTER .
.
only two elements were created at that time.
Gold and silver.
- LAUGHTER - Yes.
- It was - Frankincense and myrrh.
Cheese and pickle.
- They are still the most abundant elements in the universe.
- Helium! Helium and sarcasm.
LAUGHTER Helium and Hydrogen? - Hydrogen is correct.
- Yes.
And then the first two elements to be created, after hydrogen and helium, which are both gases, were both metals.
Imagine God was rather depressed by having created the universe.
- A knife.
- I should think he bloody well was.
I would be.
- Yeah.
So, if you're depressed, what's the metal you'd go for? - Lithium.
- Lithium.
Lithium was one of them and the other was beryllium.
- Oh, beryllium.
- Beryllium, I love that one.
- Beryllium.
And how were they created? What was the process? It was in the stars.
- Fusion? - Fusion.
- You're on fire.
- Crikey! Like the stars, very good.
APPLAUSE Yeah.
And in that fusion, EVERYTHING was made.
And we are, as Carl Sagan famously said, we are made of star stuff.
We are made of the stuff that was created in those fusion moments.
Yes, we are.
And astronomers call anything that isn't the first two, hydrogen and helium, a metal - even if it's oxygen.
Are some people made of heavy metal? LAUGHTER - Yeah.
- Lemmy.
- Lemmy.
Lemmy from Motorhead.
Death metal.
That's a good one.
Yeah.
Thrash metal.
Nu metal, when I was a teenager.
What's nu metal? It was rap and metal together.
It went very badly.
LAUGHTER - Yeah, there was quite a lot of - TURNTABLE BUZZER Quite a lot of that in it, yeah.
There was one I was told about that was a mixture of techno and disco and it was called Tesco.
LAUGHTER Then there was Valium metal and Tesco's own brand metal.
LAUGHTER Yeah, the human body contains a lot of metal, even gold.
How many human beings would you need to extract the gold from before you could make, of them, a gold coin? Just Mr T.
LAUGHTER Yes, just that, yeah.
Very good, that's true.
Normal humans.
- One million humans.
- No.
- One billion humans.
- No, it's - Six.
- LAUGHTER This could take a long time.
40,000.
And how many different metals have we got inside us? Very close, it's 48! APPLAUSE - Whoa! - On fire! - Amazing.
- On fire! In your face! Did you just point at Alan and say, "Eat it"? No.
No, I pointed at him and went, "On fire!" - Oh, "On fire.
" - "On fire!" It's most impressive.
And you're all right, in many ways.
To astronomers, anything that isn't hydrogen or helium is a metal.
Even apparently normal metals can be quite deceptive, as this trick shows.
I'm going to get a glass of water and I'll get a teaspoon.
- Right.
- Oh, I'll just To prove that it is water, I'll drink it.
That just proves it might be vodka.
LAUGHTER - It proves at least that it's not sulphuric acid or something - Yeah.
.
.
because what I'm going to do is try and make this teaspoon disappear.
It may not work.
I'm not a good magician, I'm a great magician.
And so we stir it here and I Oh, don't, Oh, no Oh, it might not work, it might work, I don't know.
I'm, oh - Yeah, it seems to have worked.
- Ooh.
AUDIENCE GASPS APPLAUSE Wow! There you are.
Thank you.
That's rather good, isn't it? - Rather good.
- That's good.
- That is.
In fact, on this occasion, it wasn't a magic trick and it's something you can do.
I'll give you your water and you'll notice the water is rather warm.
- Oh, it's warm.
- It's warm water.
- Warm water.
And I'll give you a couple of spoons.
They are metal, they're metal spoons, but the metal Are they made out of Alka-Seltzer? LAUGHTER They might as well be, they're made out of gallium.
And gallium is a metal A very useful metal.
- Let's have a look.
- .
.
but it has the quality that it melts, - as Alan is showing, in water.
- Good lord.
Oh, you wouldn't want that of your teaspoon, would you? No, it wouldn't make a practical teaspoon.
- That's lasting less time than a biscuit.
- Yeah.
- That's it.
- Look at that.
Now, if you stir it, it'll happen more quickly.
- Oh, good lord, look at that.
- Ah, jeez.
- That is That would be the most annoying teaspoon in the world.
It really would, wouldn't it? Now, oh.
But it's, like, Terminator's teaspoon.
Yeah, exactly.
Terminator 2, it should be said.
Yes.
Terminator two-spoon.
Hey! - Well, I hope you're impressed with that.
- Wow.
- I'm very impressed.
- Yeah.
- It's not poisonous, gallium, so you can drink it again.
- I shan't.
LAUGHTER OK.
You can put your glasses away.
There you are, top man.
"Mmm, delicious.
" LAUGHTER OK, pop away.
Now, why would you spread mustard on your lawn? So you can Like, if you stick roast beef on yourself - and you slide across the lawn - LAUGHTER Somebody's made a graphic of a man mowing some custard.
LAUGHTER Imagine you wanted to conduct a worm census of your lawn, you wanted to find out how many worms there wah "There wah"? - .
.
in your lawn.
- Make them come up out of the earth with washing-up liquid.
- Is that what you'd use? - Yeah.
That really works a treat, actually.
What, do you put the washing up liquid? You just spray washing up liquid on the lawn and they all come up, "Oh", like that, to help you with the washing up.
LAUGHTER And it doesn't harm them? Oh, it kills them.
LAUGHTER This This is where your system and mine differ because my system is just about counting them and not harming them.
- Right.
- Because it does But you can still count them when they're dead.
LAUGHTER - Easier, really.
- It is easier.
- It's true, you're right.
- Dry them out.
- But they're good for aerating the lawn, aren't they? - So is a pitchfork.
- Yeah.
LAUGHTER Well, anyway, it irritates them slightly, but it doesn't kill them.
And, in fact, they did this in America and discovered that 100% of North American worms are non-native.
All the worms of North America were wiped out a long time ago.
- Washing up liquid.
- Must have been.
- before washing up liquid.
- Ice age? Ice age is the right answer.
Yeah, they were wiped out.
He's on fire, you're both on fire.
APPLAUSE Yeah, the European worms arrived in the root balls of plants that were exported to the Americas.
But what else do we? Help me with mustard.
You can spread it on your hands if you're trying to give up smoking.
LAUGHTER Yes, apparently a friend of mine did that, to try and, you know, - give up smoking.
- Did it work? Um No.
LAUGHTER Gas, lethal gas.
Yes, mustard gas.
What was mustard gas? Did it have mustard in it? It stank, poisonous.
It didn't actually contain mustard.
Nothing to do with mustard, called it only because of the colour of it.
- Well, the colour and the smell.
- And the smell of it.
Sulphur mustard, it was called.
And rather like too much mustard, it could cause blistering.
And there were mustard baths.
A bath of mustard? Is that a Comic Relief thing? LAUGHTER No, you'd think it was.
But, funnily enough, we British have mustard baths all the time, didn't you know that? - No? - No.
According to the National Museum of Mustard, which is in Middleton, Wisconsin.
I was going to say, it's got to be in America.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
They have a National Museum of Mustard and I Just be careful, - because Norwich has a very famous mustard museum as well.
- Uh-oh.
- Mr Coleman? - Coleman's, exactly.
This museum in Middleton, Wisconsin, it asserts that "bathing in mustard is an English custom "to this very day.
" LAUGHTER There you are, that's what they think.
- FAUX-AMERICAN ACCENT: - That's right, over in England, at night they Everyone in England asks their butler to draw them a mustard bath.
LAUGHTER And you spoke of Coleman's of Norwich - Norwich.
- .
.
the great mustard company of Norwich.
They provided quite a lot of mustard for Robert Falcon Scott - and his Discovery Expedition.
- To the South Pole.
As you can see there, he has pots of Coleman's Mustard.
- That's a genuine real photograph - Yes, of course.
.
.
not in the least bit touched-up.
LAUGHTER How much did Coleman's, of Norwich, give to Captain Scott's team in the 1901/02? Two enormous barrels of mustard.
- Actually, they gave them one and a half tonnes - Tiny jar? - One and a half tonnes?! - .
.
of mustard.
"TONNES" of mustard.
Excellent.
That's enough for a lot of baths, as well as a lot of food.
Now, from counting worms to monkeys that count.
What job can even a monkey do? ELECTRICAL WHISK BUZZER Yes, Jo? Is it quantity surveying? LAUGHTER - They might be able to.
- Apologies to all quantity surveyors watching.
- That includes my brother.
- Is your brother? - Oh, is he? - He is a quantity surveyor, yes.
- Does he survey quantities all day? - Yeah, sadly for him.
- Do you get tired of surveying quantities? I mean, how many quantities can you survey in one day? - He can survey 47 quantities in a day.
- 47 quantities? That's a lot of quantities.
Wow.
Well, no, I don't think monkeys can survey quantities.
- They can count.
- Yes.
The person who counts how many people are on the plane before you take off, that could be a monkey.
LAUGHTER That would instil us all with confidence, wouldn't it? LAUGHTER Just before take off, a small primate comes down the aisle with a clicker.
LAUGHTER And he also does the duty frees because no-one ever buys anything.
Yes.
In Thailand, there is a school.
- A monkey school? - Yep.
They have between three and six months of training - the pig-tailed macaques - and they end up working on a plantation, where they can pick between 800 and 1,000 whats a day? - Bananas.
- Not bananas cos they'd eat those, wouldn't they? - They would.
- Coconuts.
- Coconuts! Between 800 and 1,000 coconuts a day, they can pick.
There they are.
But it's very useful.
So, a lot more than a human could, probably.
But they do they count them as well? Well, I don't Those don't, no.
Clicker in one hand.
LAUGHTER In the US, they use capuchin monkeys for a charity called Helping Hands, which assists people with disabilities, and they help with feeding, retrieving dropped items, changing compact discs, - turning lights on and off.
- Wow.
And in Tokyo, there's a tavern where A traditional sake house, where macaques are employed to bring customers hot towels.
I don't want a hot towel off that fella, I'll tell you that.
LAUGHTER That is horrible.
Imagine that at the end of your bed at night.
Oh, God! "Hot towel, sir?" Oh, fuck off! LAUGHTER Now, from smart monkeys to smart aleck kids.
Which of these would an ancient Mexican use to teach children manners? You've got chocolate, chilli A monkey with a baseball bat seems pretty effective.
You definitely would.
You've got to say "please" or you get the monkey with the bat.
I, personally, would use a cactus.
- Yeah.
- What would you do with it? Throw the child at it.
LAUGHTER Then you are pretty much on a par with those ancient Mexicans.
Oh, am I? Yeah.
The Aztec or the SHE MOUTHS .
.
Mexica.
LAUGHTER - The Mexica, as they were called - Yes.
From which, we get our word Mexico.
.
.
did have a firm, but fair, way of treating their children.
That means "very cruel".
Yeah, I know.
And the Codex Mendoza was written by someone observing the practices of the Aztecs, and this is what he found.
Basically, they were taught to be humble, hard-working and polite, just like British Oh, no, what am I talking about? LAUGHTER So this is how it went.
It begins with an eight-year-old boy - being threatened with the spines of a cactus.
- Wow.
The following year, he's stripped, bound and pierced in his neck, side and thigh.
Next year, he's bound and beaten with a pine stick.
The year after that, aged 11, his father holds his son, bound and weeping over a fire of burning chillies - as you can see, top right, there.
- All practices carried on in English boarding schools.
- Yes.
LAUGHTER Finally, a stroppy 12-year-old is bound and dumped in a damp vegetable patch for a day to reflect on his conduct.
By the time he's 13, he's dutifully gathering reeds, as you can see.
Yeah, bearing a terrible grudge.
LAUGHTER - Which he will take out on his child.
- Yes.
Unfortunately, that's the way it works.
- So, it's a sort of a meme of cruelty.
- It is, yeah.
But the Huichol Mexicans - and you'll like this, I think, Jo - they had an interesting practice, which was, when a woman was pregnant, she would lie and, in the room above, her husband would lie and he would have strings attached to his testicles, which would drop down into the room below - where his wife was, pregnant.
I'm loving this so far.
She would have She would hold the strings and, when she had a contraction, she would pull AUDIENCE GASPS .
.
so that he was forced to share her pain LAUGHTER He, cunningly, slipped the string off, tied it onto the boards of the bed and went to the pub.
LAUGHTER Tied it to the dog.
"Tied it to the dog"! BILL BARKS Or his 12-year-old son.
- "Argh!" - LAUGHTER It's possible.
- Oh, we're Sorry, go on.
- No, carry on.
No, I was going to say a terrible and a very embarrassing story about testicles, but you carry on.
- Oh, I want your testicle story.
- All right, then.
Well, we had this dog and it got into the bed and it started to lick the wrong set of testicles.
- That's all I'm saying.
- LAUGHTER AND GASPS Surely everybody wins? - Everyone's a winner.
- LAUGHTER Not everyone, Stephen.
I haven't been back.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Yeah, the Mexica people of Mexico used a very hands-on variety of tough love.
And speaking of hands, what's this man doing with his other hand? LAUGHTER - Oh, Lord! - It's M, it's M - It begins with M.
- It begins with M.
He could be doing anything, Stephen.
Is it something beginning with M? If that was me, it would be me trying to work out how the - Scratching? - .
.
bloody thing works with a printer.
- Well, it does begin with M.
- Massaging something? - If I tell you that he's a professor.
- He's got a massive mouse on his leg.
- Milking, mousing.
- "Massive mouse.
" You're right to think of an animal cos he's a scientist - a professor at the University of Kentucky.
Has he got his finger stuck in a moose? LAUGHTER He's a Mexican, he's a Mexican man, and he's pressing a child against a cactus under the desk.
LAUGHTER He's a cruel man.
He is Professor Grayson Brown and he's an entomologist of a particular kind.
A culicidologist, if that makes any sense to you.
- Molluscs? - Not molluscs.
- Oh.
- An entomologist.
- Mosquitoes.
Mosquitoes is the right answer.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Wow! - On fire.
Sorry.
That's brilliant.
He's very serious in his study of mosquitoes and he was allowing 1,000 mosquitoes - as he does every morning, while he carries on doing his e-mails - to feast on his arm.
His body is so used to it they no longer leave a mark, apparently.
It's most bizarre.
Asian mosquitoes are very picky, they only, ONLY, feast on humans They won't eat the blood of any other animal.
.
.
and, in order to keep them happy, obviously they need a big supply of blood.
So, he and his fellow workers And some animals, it has to be said, in his lab, also supply the blood for other breeds of mosquito - but, for the Asian ones, it's just humans.
And, of course, they have to keep them breeding.
Now, they're odd, these Asian mosquitoes, cos they're really a bit lazy.
I suppose they produce so many thousands What's he trying to find out? I mean, what is there left to know about these creatures? Well, given how many millions of people they kill every year, it's kind of You can't know enough.
Cos they kill more, as you know, than wars.
But in order to get them to mate, to force-mate them.
Play some Barry White, give them some wine.
LAUGHTER Well, that's what I thought but, in this case, - they decapitate the male - Oh, that's different.
- No, no, that wouldn't work.
- Good so far.
LAUGHTER .
.
they anaesthetise the female.
They then insert the male's genitals into his unconscious partner.
Despite the lack of the male's head, and the lack of the female's consciousness, the insects lock together, sperm is transferred and the female becomes pregnant.
Does that happen with humans? SHE MOUTHS - Yes? - Well, if you have enough Jagermeister, - I suppose it will, yeah.
- LAUGHTER And a skilled entomologist can do this without a microscope.
That's nothing to brag about though, is it? No, it probably isn't.
"Oh, I can make mosquitoes bang without a microscope.
" LAUGHTER We had a pair of preying mantis once in the kitchen, In a You know, in the tank, obviously.
And I came home one night and the male praying mantis was on the kitchen floor walking across, like, towards the door.
And I went, "Oh, no, he's got out of the t Oh, what a shame.
" And I carefully scooped him up and I placed him back in the tank, very gently, and the female pounced and bit his head off and LAUGHTER .
.
he was clearly making a break for it.
- Oh, because they do.
- The whole time, "No, don't put me back there.
Oh.
" - The females do eat the males, don't they? - Yes, they do.
- So, they must have just mated.
- They must have just - And he was off.
- Yeah.
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
But now it's time to move on to the low-hanging fruit of General Ignorance.
What do magpies like to steal? Shiny things.
KLAXON BLARES Of course, everyone knows that! Come on! Oh, Alany, Alany, Alany-walany, Alany-walany-woo.
- No.
We think they do, but they don't.
- Oh.
- We've done tests.
Well, we haven't, people have.
- Have you? Out of 64 of them, magpies picked up a shiny object only twice and then immediately dropped it.
They're not interested in shiny things.
Like all animals, they're interested in things that look like food or that they can shag.
LAUGHTER The It's folklore surrounding them seems to be just that - folklore, anecdotes.
But the Italian for magpie leads to an interesting thing.
- FAUX ITALIAN ACCENT: - Magpie-o.
LAUGHTER That's an awfully nice thought.
Do you know the Rossini opera, The Thieving Magpie? Called "La Gazza Ladra".
"Gazza" is a magpie and a little magpie, "gazzetta".
- Oh, it's the newspaper.
- Called the "gazzetta".
A newspaper - gazette.
And that's it, the gossipy chatter, - like a magpie.
- Ah! That's where we get that word, "gazette".
- I like I quite like that one.
- Yeah, me too.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, certainly.
Also, if I were to say that the magpie's real name is a pie, it's a pie.
Then where does the "mag" come from? - Margaret.
- Yeah.
- Margaret.
- Was it? - Yeah.
- "Margaret pie?" - APPLAUSE Where did that come from? "Margaret pie"? In medieval England, it was common to give birds a Christian name, sometimes, and the ones that have survived have included magpie.
- Which other ones can you? - Robin.
- Robin.
- Robin redbreast.
- Robin redbreast.
Robin's the only one where the first name is the one that's kept - Dave Starling.
- Sorry? LAUGHTER - Joseph Starling? - No, big Dave Starling.
LAUGHTER Joseph would have been funny.
Joseph Starling is good, yeah.
I like that.
I prefer that.
- Not as funny as Dave, but it's better.
- Yeah.
- Tomtit.
Jenny Wren.
- Tomtit, yeah.
Charlie Crow.
- Jackdaw.
- Jackdaw.
- Oh, jackdaw.
- Yeah, yeah.
So there are a few of them.
Christopher Chaf-finch.
LAUGHTER - We had an injured bird in the garden yesterday - Oh.
.
.
and it looked like a magpie, and it couldn't take off, and I was watching it for ages.
I didn't know what to do with it, so I opened the back gate and shooed it out.
LAUGHTER - Oh, dear.
- What do you think it was, then? What make? - "The back gate.
" - I think it was a young crow - Yeah.
.
.
that was having a bit of trouble with flight - because it flew into a bush - Oh, dear.
.
.
and I presume it's dead by now.
LAUGHTER - That's it, you? - And that's the end of tonight's Springwatch.
- Yes.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE What could you have done with it? - I don't know, what are you going to do with a bird? - Shoot it, shoot it.
- Take it out.
- Shoot the - Sniper's rifle, through the brain.
- I could have gone after it because it was in the garden and couldn't get out.
- I could have easily got it with a tennis racket.
- Yeah, exactly.
Yeah.
- AUDIENCE GASPS Just scoop it up with a tennis racket - and hit it with a frying pan - LAUGHTER .
.
and chuck it over the wall.
That's what I would do.
And then its parents would have come and ate it, wouldn't they? - Yeah, that's right.
- Let's face it, it is the wild.
- Yeah.
- Exactly, yes.
Even if it is Hampstead.
LAUGHTER It's wild for them, though.
They've have had it in a coulis.
LAUGHTER A crow couscous.
With some quinoa.
LAUGHTER I wonder what its name was.
Clive, I expect.
No, I think it was Vel.
- Vel? - Vel-crow.
- "Velcro.
" APPLAUSE Oh, dear.
Oh, dear.
So, magpies aren't particularly interested in shiny objects.
How many paintings did Vincent Van Gogh - or "Goch," or "Gough," or "Go" How many did he sell while he was alive? Don't say none.
TURNTABLE BUZZER None! I'm going to say none.
KLAXON BLARES - D'oh! - D'oh! Really, I'm afraid - One.
- A few, maybe? KLAXON BLARES "A few".
It was lots.
He sold hundreds of paintings.
- Hundreds?! - Yeah, when he was 15, he used to work in an art gallery.
- Oh, shut up! - LAUGHTER It's true.
I just asked you how many paintings This is the closest I've come to walking out of this show! I'd like a recount on those two.
It was a horribly mean question, but the fact is he did sell hundreds - they just weren't his own.
He was very good at selling them too, he did extremely well and it was a big French company and his brother, Theo, ran the Montmartre branch, and Vincent relocated, after a while, to the London branch.
And he spent two years in London, living in Brixton, and he called it the happiest time of his life.
Yeah, he did really well and he loved it.
- Good fun in Brixton.
- It's great.
- It was good fun, it's a good place.
- Brixton Village.
- Brixton Village.
He would have gone and got some chicken from CHICKENliquor, that's real nice.
- Yeah.
- Is that your manor? I used to live in Brixton and do you know what I nearly did then? - I nearly called you "man" and then I stopped myself.
- Thank you.
- I just want you to appreciate that.
- I really do.
Thank you.
- Anyway, perhaps the most surprising thing we'll all learn today - Yes.
.
.
is that, after Brixton, he came back to the UK in 1876, and Vincent Van Gogh worked as a supply teacher in Ramsgate.
- Oh! - Isn't that wonderful? Wow.
- That's a big surprise, isn't it? - It is.
It is, yeah.
I wonder if the children remembered him for years afterwards - Mr Van Gogh? - .
.
as a flame-haired figure.
- Moody sod.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Then he became a painter, supported financially and, indeed, emotionally by his brother, Theo.
He suffered from tinnitus, vertigo and, of course, depression and he killed himself aged 37.
Only one of his 900 paintings was sold in his lifetime.
Sold to a remarkable woman called Anna Boch, who was, herself, a painter.
- One.
You said one! - I said one.
- You said one.
I asked how many paintings, not how many of his own paintings.
BILL GROANS I know, I'm sorry, but, look, I did say Chairman of the Pedantic Association.
LAUGHTER "It's actually the Society of Pedantics, but I'll let that go.
" Yes, exactly, in fact.
LAUGHTER Anna Boch paid 400 francs for a painting of his called The Red Vineyard, which is rather beautiful.
And with that, the final whistle has blown and STEPHEN LAUGHS .
.
the match has come to an end.
It's actually a very extraordinary series of scores.
In first place, with plus eight Yes, she was on fire, Jo Brand.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE In second place with minus seven, it's James.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE In third place with minus 32, is Bill Bailey.
- Minus, how? - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE In fourth place with minus 41, Alan Davies.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you very much, thank you.
So, all that remains for me is to pull up the corner flags, thank James, Bill, Jo and Alan, and to leave you with this classic piece of Ron Atkinson.
When asked about what made the perfect match, "Well, Clive, it's all about the two M's - "movement and positioning.
" Goodnight.
APPLAUSE
Now, let's meet our makers.
The matchless James Acaster.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE The match-fit Jo Brand.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE The match made in heaven, Bill Bailey.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And match abandoned, Alan Davies.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So, let's hear you mix.
James goes EGG BEING BEATEN - That's mixing.
- Is it? Yeah, you're beating an egg, I think.
- Beating something.
- LAUGHTER Now.
You're on your first warning.
LAUGHTER Jo goes ELECTRIC WHISK MIXING Yes, that's masturbation as I know it.
LAUGHTER I'd love to know what the machine is, wouldn't you? LAUGHTER Bill goes TURNTABLE SCRATCHING Ah, yeah.
I like it, yes.
That's masturbation as I know it.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE So, three mixes and Alan goes MATCH OF THE DAY THEME PLAYS - Ah, you see.
- A match.
- Yeah.
So, on with the game.
Now our first "M" tonight is "M" for metals.
Can you see anything on this board, here, that does not contain metal? - Oh.
- You've got a mushroom, the balloon, a stack of coins, a monkey, a star, an Alan Davies - of some kind.
- An Alan Davies.
Well, bodies do contain metal, so it can't be - They do.
- It can't be you - Alan, you contain metal.
- Yes.
- You do.
- I do.
- Enough iron to make a nail.
- Alan specifically? LAUGHTER - Yeah, just Alan.
- Just Alan.
He can make a nail.
But no, that's right, isn't it? The body contains enough iron to make a nail - phosphorus, carbon, water - Magnesium.
- Lime.
- Gold, actually.
- A person You could boil it down to a half-decent kids' party.
LAUGHTER You could get a paddling pool, some fireworks and a tequila slammer.
- All inside us, churning away.
- All inside.
So, it can't be Alan.
No, it's not me.
And I don't I'm - Now, look - Now.
- Things that grow probably have got metal in them - Yes.
- .
.
that's my thinking.
- Yeah.
The fact is, you've brilliantly avoided everything cos all those things contain metals.
When the universe was created - 4,000 years ago, as it says in the Bible.
- .
.
by our Lord.
LAUGHTER .
.
only two elements were created at that time.
Gold and silver.
- LAUGHTER - Yes.
- It was - Frankincense and myrrh.
Cheese and pickle.
- They are still the most abundant elements in the universe.
- Helium! Helium and sarcasm.
LAUGHTER Helium and Hydrogen? - Hydrogen is correct.
- Yes.
And then the first two elements to be created, after hydrogen and helium, which are both gases, were both metals.
Imagine God was rather depressed by having created the universe.
- A knife.
- I should think he bloody well was.
I would be.
- Yeah.
So, if you're depressed, what's the metal you'd go for? - Lithium.
- Lithium.
Lithium was one of them and the other was beryllium.
- Oh, beryllium.
- Beryllium, I love that one.
- Beryllium.
And how were they created? What was the process? It was in the stars.
- Fusion? - Fusion.
- You're on fire.
- Crikey! Like the stars, very good.
APPLAUSE Yeah.
And in that fusion, EVERYTHING was made.
And we are, as Carl Sagan famously said, we are made of star stuff.
We are made of the stuff that was created in those fusion moments.
Yes, we are.
And astronomers call anything that isn't the first two, hydrogen and helium, a metal - even if it's oxygen.
Are some people made of heavy metal? LAUGHTER - Yeah.
- Lemmy.
- Lemmy.
Lemmy from Motorhead.
Death metal.
That's a good one.
Yeah.
Thrash metal.
Nu metal, when I was a teenager.
What's nu metal? It was rap and metal together.
It went very badly.
LAUGHTER - Yeah, there was quite a lot of - TURNTABLE BUZZER Quite a lot of that in it, yeah.
There was one I was told about that was a mixture of techno and disco and it was called Tesco.
LAUGHTER Then there was Valium metal and Tesco's own brand metal.
LAUGHTER Yeah, the human body contains a lot of metal, even gold.
How many human beings would you need to extract the gold from before you could make, of them, a gold coin? Just Mr T.
LAUGHTER Yes, just that, yeah.
Very good, that's true.
Normal humans.
- One million humans.
- No.
- One billion humans.
- No, it's - Six.
- LAUGHTER This could take a long time.
40,000.
And how many different metals have we got inside us? Very close, it's 48! APPLAUSE - Whoa! - On fire! - Amazing.
- On fire! In your face! Did you just point at Alan and say, "Eat it"? No.
No, I pointed at him and went, "On fire!" - Oh, "On fire.
" - "On fire!" It's most impressive.
And you're all right, in many ways.
To astronomers, anything that isn't hydrogen or helium is a metal.
Even apparently normal metals can be quite deceptive, as this trick shows.
I'm going to get a glass of water and I'll get a teaspoon.
- Right.
- Oh, I'll just To prove that it is water, I'll drink it.
That just proves it might be vodka.
LAUGHTER - It proves at least that it's not sulphuric acid or something - Yeah.
.
.
because what I'm going to do is try and make this teaspoon disappear.
It may not work.
I'm not a good magician, I'm a great magician.
And so we stir it here and I Oh, don't, Oh, no Oh, it might not work, it might work, I don't know.
I'm, oh - Yeah, it seems to have worked.
- Ooh.
AUDIENCE GASPS APPLAUSE Wow! There you are.
Thank you.
That's rather good, isn't it? - Rather good.
- That's good.
- That is.
In fact, on this occasion, it wasn't a magic trick and it's something you can do.
I'll give you your water and you'll notice the water is rather warm.
- Oh, it's warm.
- It's warm water.
- Warm water.
And I'll give you a couple of spoons.
They are metal, they're metal spoons, but the metal Are they made out of Alka-Seltzer? LAUGHTER They might as well be, they're made out of gallium.
And gallium is a metal A very useful metal.
- Let's have a look.
- .
.
but it has the quality that it melts, - as Alan is showing, in water.
- Good lord.
Oh, you wouldn't want that of your teaspoon, would you? No, it wouldn't make a practical teaspoon.
- That's lasting less time than a biscuit.
- Yeah.
- That's it.
- Look at that.
Now, if you stir it, it'll happen more quickly.
- Oh, good lord, look at that.
- Ah, jeez.
- That is That would be the most annoying teaspoon in the world.
It really would, wouldn't it? Now, oh.
But it's, like, Terminator's teaspoon.
Yeah, exactly.
Terminator 2, it should be said.
Yes.
Terminator two-spoon.
Hey! - Well, I hope you're impressed with that.
- Wow.
- I'm very impressed.
- Yeah.
- It's not poisonous, gallium, so you can drink it again.
- I shan't.
LAUGHTER OK.
You can put your glasses away.
There you are, top man.
"Mmm, delicious.
" LAUGHTER OK, pop away.
Now, why would you spread mustard on your lawn? So you can Like, if you stick roast beef on yourself - and you slide across the lawn - LAUGHTER Somebody's made a graphic of a man mowing some custard.
LAUGHTER Imagine you wanted to conduct a worm census of your lawn, you wanted to find out how many worms there wah "There wah"? - .
.
in your lawn.
- Make them come up out of the earth with washing-up liquid.
- Is that what you'd use? - Yeah.
That really works a treat, actually.
What, do you put the washing up liquid? You just spray washing up liquid on the lawn and they all come up, "Oh", like that, to help you with the washing up.
LAUGHTER And it doesn't harm them? Oh, it kills them.
LAUGHTER This This is where your system and mine differ because my system is just about counting them and not harming them.
- Right.
- Because it does But you can still count them when they're dead.
LAUGHTER - Easier, really.
- It is easier.
- It's true, you're right.
- Dry them out.
- But they're good for aerating the lawn, aren't they? - So is a pitchfork.
- Yeah.
LAUGHTER Well, anyway, it irritates them slightly, but it doesn't kill them.
And, in fact, they did this in America and discovered that 100% of North American worms are non-native.
All the worms of North America were wiped out a long time ago.
- Washing up liquid.
- Must have been.
- before washing up liquid.
- Ice age? Ice age is the right answer.
Yeah, they were wiped out.
He's on fire, you're both on fire.
APPLAUSE Yeah, the European worms arrived in the root balls of plants that were exported to the Americas.
But what else do we? Help me with mustard.
You can spread it on your hands if you're trying to give up smoking.
LAUGHTER Yes, apparently a friend of mine did that, to try and, you know, - give up smoking.
- Did it work? Um No.
LAUGHTER Gas, lethal gas.
Yes, mustard gas.
What was mustard gas? Did it have mustard in it? It stank, poisonous.
It didn't actually contain mustard.
Nothing to do with mustard, called it only because of the colour of it.
- Well, the colour and the smell.
- And the smell of it.
Sulphur mustard, it was called.
And rather like too much mustard, it could cause blistering.
And there were mustard baths.
A bath of mustard? Is that a Comic Relief thing? LAUGHTER No, you'd think it was.
But, funnily enough, we British have mustard baths all the time, didn't you know that? - No? - No.
According to the National Museum of Mustard, which is in Middleton, Wisconsin.
I was going to say, it's got to be in America.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
They have a National Museum of Mustard and I Just be careful, - because Norwich has a very famous mustard museum as well.
- Uh-oh.
- Mr Coleman? - Coleman's, exactly.
This museum in Middleton, Wisconsin, it asserts that "bathing in mustard is an English custom "to this very day.
" LAUGHTER There you are, that's what they think.
- FAUX-AMERICAN ACCENT: - That's right, over in England, at night they Everyone in England asks their butler to draw them a mustard bath.
LAUGHTER And you spoke of Coleman's of Norwich - Norwich.
- .
.
the great mustard company of Norwich.
They provided quite a lot of mustard for Robert Falcon Scott - and his Discovery Expedition.
- To the South Pole.
As you can see there, he has pots of Coleman's Mustard.
- That's a genuine real photograph - Yes, of course.
.
.
not in the least bit touched-up.
LAUGHTER How much did Coleman's, of Norwich, give to Captain Scott's team in the 1901/02? Two enormous barrels of mustard.
- Actually, they gave them one and a half tonnes - Tiny jar? - One and a half tonnes?! - .
.
of mustard.
"TONNES" of mustard.
Excellent.
That's enough for a lot of baths, as well as a lot of food.
Now, from counting worms to monkeys that count.
What job can even a monkey do? ELECTRICAL WHISK BUZZER Yes, Jo? Is it quantity surveying? LAUGHTER - They might be able to.
- Apologies to all quantity surveyors watching.
- That includes my brother.
- Is your brother? - Oh, is he? - He is a quantity surveyor, yes.
- Does he survey quantities all day? - Yeah, sadly for him.
- Do you get tired of surveying quantities? I mean, how many quantities can you survey in one day? - He can survey 47 quantities in a day.
- 47 quantities? That's a lot of quantities.
Wow.
Well, no, I don't think monkeys can survey quantities.
- They can count.
- Yes.
The person who counts how many people are on the plane before you take off, that could be a monkey.
LAUGHTER That would instil us all with confidence, wouldn't it? LAUGHTER Just before take off, a small primate comes down the aisle with a clicker.
LAUGHTER And he also does the duty frees because no-one ever buys anything.
Yes.
In Thailand, there is a school.
- A monkey school? - Yep.
They have between three and six months of training - the pig-tailed macaques - and they end up working on a plantation, where they can pick between 800 and 1,000 whats a day? - Bananas.
- Not bananas cos they'd eat those, wouldn't they? - They would.
- Coconuts.
- Coconuts! Between 800 and 1,000 coconuts a day, they can pick.
There they are.
But it's very useful.
So, a lot more than a human could, probably.
But they do they count them as well? Well, I don't Those don't, no.
Clicker in one hand.
LAUGHTER In the US, they use capuchin monkeys for a charity called Helping Hands, which assists people with disabilities, and they help with feeding, retrieving dropped items, changing compact discs, - turning lights on and off.
- Wow.
And in Tokyo, there's a tavern where A traditional sake house, where macaques are employed to bring customers hot towels.
I don't want a hot towel off that fella, I'll tell you that.
LAUGHTER That is horrible.
Imagine that at the end of your bed at night.
Oh, God! "Hot towel, sir?" Oh, fuck off! LAUGHTER Now, from smart monkeys to smart aleck kids.
Which of these would an ancient Mexican use to teach children manners? You've got chocolate, chilli A monkey with a baseball bat seems pretty effective.
You definitely would.
You've got to say "please" or you get the monkey with the bat.
I, personally, would use a cactus.
- Yeah.
- What would you do with it? Throw the child at it.
LAUGHTER Then you are pretty much on a par with those ancient Mexicans.
Oh, am I? Yeah.
The Aztec or the SHE MOUTHS .
.
Mexica.
LAUGHTER - The Mexica, as they were called - Yes.
From which, we get our word Mexico.
.
.
did have a firm, but fair, way of treating their children.
That means "very cruel".
Yeah, I know.
And the Codex Mendoza was written by someone observing the practices of the Aztecs, and this is what he found.
Basically, they were taught to be humble, hard-working and polite, just like British Oh, no, what am I talking about? LAUGHTER So this is how it went.
It begins with an eight-year-old boy - being threatened with the spines of a cactus.
- Wow.
The following year, he's stripped, bound and pierced in his neck, side and thigh.
Next year, he's bound and beaten with a pine stick.
The year after that, aged 11, his father holds his son, bound and weeping over a fire of burning chillies - as you can see, top right, there.
- All practices carried on in English boarding schools.
- Yes.
LAUGHTER Finally, a stroppy 12-year-old is bound and dumped in a damp vegetable patch for a day to reflect on his conduct.
By the time he's 13, he's dutifully gathering reeds, as you can see.
Yeah, bearing a terrible grudge.
LAUGHTER - Which he will take out on his child.
- Yes.
Unfortunately, that's the way it works.
- So, it's a sort of a meme of cruelty.
- It is, yeah.
But the Huichol Mexicans - and you'll like this, I think, Jo - they had an interesting practice, which was, when a woman was pregnant, she would lie and, in the room above, her husband would lie and he would have strings attached to his testicles, which would drop down into the room below - where his wife was, pregnant.
I'm loving this so far.
She would have She would hold the strings and, when she had a contraction, she would pull AUDIENCE GASPS .
.
so that he was forced to share her pain LAUGHTER He, cunningly, slipped the string off, tied it onto the boards of the bed and went to the pub.
LAUGHTER Tied it to the dog.
"Tied it to the dog"! BILL BARKS Or his 12-year-old son.
- "Argh!" - LAUGHTER It's possible.
- Oh, we're Sorry, go on.
- No, carry on.
No, I was going to say a terrible and a very embarrassing story about testicles, but you carry on.
- Oh, I want your testicle story.
- All right, then.
Well, we had this dog and it got into the bed and it started to lick the wrong set of testicles.
- That's all I'm saying.
- LAUGHTER AND GASPS Surely everybody wins? - Everyone's a winner.
- LAUGHTER Not everyone, Stephen.
I haven't been back.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Yeah, the Mexica people of Mexico used a very hands-on variety of tough love.
And speaking of hands, what's this man doing with his other hand? LAUGHTER - Oh, Lord! - It's M, it's M - It begins with M.
- It begins with M.
He could be doing anything, Stephen.
Is it something beginning with M? If that was me, it would be me trying to work out how the - Scratching? - .
.
bloody thing works with a printer.
- Well, it does begin with M.
- Massaging something? - If I tell you that he's a professor.
- He's got a massive mouse on his leg.
- Milking, mousing.
- "Massive mouse.
" You're right to think of an animal cos he's a scientist - a professor at the University of Kentucky.
Has he got his finger stuck in a moose? LAUGHTER He's a Mexican, he's a Mexican man, and he's pressing a child against a cactus under the desk.
LAUGHTER He's a cruel man.
He is Professor Grayson Brown and he's an entomologist of a particular kind.
A culicidologist, if that makes any sense to you.
- Molluscs? - Not molluscs.
- Oh.
- An entomologist.
- Mosquitoes.
Mosquitoes is the right answer.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Wow! - On fire.
Sorry.
That's brilliant.
He's very serious in his study of mosquitoes and he was allowing 1,000 mosquitoes - as he does every morning, while he carries on doing his e-mails - to feast on his arm.
His body is so used to it they no longer leave a mark, apparently.
It's most bizarre.
Asian mosquitoes are very picky, they only, ONLY, feast on humans They won't eat the blood of any other animal.
.
.
and, in order to keep them happy, obviously they need a big supply of blood.
So, he and his fellow workers And some animals, it has to be said, in his lab, also supply the blood for other breeds of mosquito - but, for the Asian ones, it's just humans.
And, of course, they have to keep them breeding.
Now, they're odd, these Asian mosquitoes, cos they're really a bit lazy.
I suppose they produce so many thousands What's he trying to find out? I mean, what is there left to know about these creatures? Well, given how many millions of people they kill every year, it's kind of You can't know enough.
Cos they kill more, as you know, than wars.
But in order to get them to mate, to force-mate them.
Play some Barry White, give them some wine.
LAUGHTER Well, that's what I thought but, in this case, - they decapitate the male - Oh, that's different.
- No, no, that wouldn't work.
- Good so far.
LAUGHTER .
.
they anaesthetise the female.
They then insert the male's genitals into his unconscious partner.
Despite the lack of the male's head, and the lack of the female's consciousness, the insects lock together, sperm is transferred and the female becomes pregnant.
Does that happen with humans? SHE MOUTHS - Yes? - Well, if you have enough Jagermeister, - I suppose it will, yeah.
- LAUGHTER And a skilled entomologist can do this without a microscope.
That's nothing to brag about though, is it? No, it probably isn't.
"Oh, I can make mosquitoes bang without a microscope.
" LAUGHTER We had a pair of preying mantis once in the kitchen, In a You know, in the tank, obviously.
And I came home one night and the male praying mantis was on the kitchen floor walking across, like, towards the door.
And I went, "Oh, no, he's got out of the t Oh, what a shame.
" And I carefully scooped him up and I placed him back in the tank, very gently, and the female pounced and bit his head off and LAUGHTER .
.
he was clearly making a break for it.
- Oh, because they do.
- The whole time, "No, don't put me back there.
Oh.
" - The females do eat the males, don't they? - Yes, they do.
- So, they must have just mated.
- They must have just - And he was off.
- Yeah.
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
But now it's time to move on to the low-hanging fruit of General Ignorance.
What do magpies like to steal? Shiny things.
KLAXON BLARES Of course, everyone knows that! Come on! Oh, Alany, Alany, Alany-walany, Alany-walany-woo.
- No.
We think they do, but they don't.
- Oh.
- We've done tests.
Well, we haven't, people have.
- Have you? Out of 64 of them, magpies picked up a shiny object only twice and then immediately dropped it.
They're not interested in shiny things.
Like all animals, they're interested in things that look like food or that they can shag.
LAUGHTER The It's folklore surrounding them seems to be just that - folklore, anecdotes.
But the Italian for magpie leads to an interesting thing.
- FAUX ITALIAN ACCENT: - Magpie-o.
LAUGHTER That's an awfully nice thought.
Do you know the Rossini opera, The Thieving Magpie? Called "La Gazza Ladra".
"Gazza" is a magpie and a little magpie, "gazzetta".
- Oh, it's the newspaper.
- Called the "gazzetta".
A newspaper - gazette.
And that's it, the gossipy chatter, - like a magpie.
- Ah! That's where we get that word, "gazette".
- I like I quite like that one.
- Yeah, me too.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, certainly.
Also, if I were to say that the magpie's real name is a pie, it's a pie.
Then where does the "mag" come from? - Margaret.
- Yeah.
- Margaret.
- Was it? - Yeah.
- "Margaret pie?" - APPLAUSE Where did that come from? "Margaret pie"? In medieval England, it was common to give birds a Christian name, sometimes, and the ones that have survived have included magpie.
- Which other ones can you? - Robin.
- Robin.
- Robin redbreast.
- Robin redbreast.
Robin's the only one where the first name is the one that's kept - Dave Starling.
- Sorry? LAUGHTER - Joseph Starling? - No, big Dave Starling.
LAUGHTER Joseph would have been funny.
Joseph Starling is good, yeah.
I like that.
I prefer that.
- Not as funny as Dave, but it's better.
- Yeah.
- Tomtit.
Jenny Wren.
- Tomtit, yeah.
Charlie Crow.
- Jackdaw.
- Jackdaw.
- Oh, jackdaw.
- Yeah, yeah.
So there are a few of them.
Christopher Chaf-finch.
LAUGHTER - We had an injured bird in the garden yesterday - Oh.
.
.
and it looked like a magpie, and it couldn't take off, and I was watching it for ages.
I didn't know what to do with it, so I opened the back gate and shooed it out.
LAUGHTER - Oh, dear.
- What do you think it was, then? What make? - "The back gate.
" - I think it was a young crow - Yeah.
.
.
that was having a bit of trouble with flight - because it flew into a bush - Oh, dear.
.
.
and I presume it's dead by now.
LAUGHTER - That's it, you? - And that's the end of tonight's Springwatch.
- Yes.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE What could you have done with it? - I don't know, what are you going to do with a bird? - Shoot it, shoot it.
- Take it out.
- Shoot the - Sniper's rifle, through the brain.
- I could have gone after it because it was in the garden and couldn't get out.
- I could have easily got it with a tennis racket.
- Yeah, exactly.
Yeah.
- AUDIENCE GASPS Just scoop it up with a tennis racket - and hit it with a frying pan - LAUGHTER .
.
and chuck it over the wall.
That's what I would do.
And then its parents would have come and ate it, wouldn't they? - Yeah, that's right.
- Let's face it, it is the wild.
- Yeah.
- Exactly, yes.
Even if it is Hampstead.
LAUGHTER It's wild for them, though.
They've have had it in a coulis.
LAUGHTER A crow couscous.
With some quinoa.
LAUGHTER I wonder what its name was.
Clive, I expect.
No, I think it was Vel.
- Vel? - Vel-crow.
- "Velcro.
" APPLAUSE Oh, dear.
Oh, dear.
So, magpies aren't particularly interested in shiny objects.
How many paintings did Vincent Van Gogh - or "Goch," or "Gough," or "Go" How many did he sell while he was alive? Don't say none.
TURNTABLE BUZZER None! I'm going to say none.
KLAXON BLARES - D'oh! - D'oh! Really, I'm afraid - One.
- A few, maybe? KLAXON BLARES "A few".
It was lots.
He sold hundreds of paintings.
- Hundreds?! - Yeah, when he was 15, he used to work in an art gallery.
- Oh, shut up! - LAUGHTER It's true.
I just asked you how many paintings This is the closest I've come to walking out of this show! I'd like a recount on those two.
It was a horribly mean question, but the fact is he did sell hundreds - they just weren't his own.
He was very good at selling them too, he did extremely well and it was a big French company and his brother, Theo, ran the Montmartre branch, and Vincent relocated, after a while, to the London branch.
And he spent two years in London, living in Brixton, and he called it the happiest time of his life.
Yeah, he did really well and he loved it.
- Good fun in Brixton.
- It's great.
- It was good fun, it's a good place.
- Brixton Village.
- Brixton Village.
He would have gone and got some chicken from CHICKENliquor, that's real nice.
- Yeah.
- Is that your manor? I used to live in Brixton and do you know what I nearly did then? - I nearly called you "man" and then I stopped myself.
- Thank you.
- I just want you to appreciate that.
- I really do.
Thank you.
- Anyway, perhaps the most surprising thing we'll all learn today - Yes.
.
.
is that, after Brixton, he came back to the UK in 1876, and Vincent Van Gogh worked as a supply teacher in Ramsgate.
- Oh! - Isn't that wonderful? Wow.
- That's a big surprise, isn't it? - It is.
It is, yeah.
I wonder if the children remembered him for years afterwards - Mr Van Gogh? - .
.
as a flame-haired figure.
- Moody sod.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Then he became a painter, supported financially and, indeed, emotionally by his brother, Theo.
He suffered from tinnitus, vertigo and, of course, depression and he killed himself aged 37.
Only one of his 900 paintings was sold in his lifetime.
Sold to a remarkable woman called Anna Boch, who was, herself, a painter.
- One.
You said one! - I said one.
- You said one.
I asked how many paintings, not how many of his own paintings.
BILL GROANS I know, I'm sorry, but, look, I did say Chairman of the Pedantic Association.
LAUGHTER "It's actually the Society of Pedantics, but I'll let that go.
" Yes, exactly, in fact.
LAUGHTER Anna Boch paid 400 francs for a painting of his called The Red Vineyard, which is rather beautiful.
And with that, the final whistle has blown and STEPHEN LAUGHS .
.
the match has come to an end.
It's actually a very extraordinary series of scores.
In first place, with plus eight Yes, she was on fire, Jo Brand.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE In second place with minus seven, it's James.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE In third place with minus 32, is Bill Bailey.
- Minus, how? - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE In fourth place with minus 41, Alan Davies.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you very much, thank you.
So, all that remains for me is to pull up the corner flags, thank James, Bill, Jo and Alan, and to leave you with this classic piece of Ron Atkinson.
When asked about what made the perfect match, "Well, Clive, it's all about the two M's - "movement and positioning.
" Goodnight.
APPLAUSE