Bob's Burgers s13e17 Episode Script

1
-Hi.
-Hey, Tina. How was Thundergirls?
- So good?
- No!
My future is ruined! I
did Thundergirls all wrong!
I'm a Thundergirl disgrace!
A "BlunderGirl"? Sorry.
What happened?
I was in the bathroom
and I heard yelling.
How come there's always someone yelling
- when I'm trying to use the bathroom?
- Family tradition?
I'm just upset because
my future is a sick joke
and it's all my fault.
Okay, tell me about it, Tina. Tell Mama.
I'm just gonna casually zip
up my fly while you're talking.
Go ahead, sweetie.
Tonight at Thundergirls,
after we made some
pretty badass bookmarks,
we were all heading
out the door to go home
when Troop Leader Ginny said
she wanted to talk to me.
Tina, hey. I've been
meaning to talk to you.
Have you given any thought to
pursuing your Lightning Sash?
Oh, I mean, the Lightning Sash is
the highest sash in Thundergirls.
- You need a lot of badges to earn that.
- Correct.
So, I figured getting
it would be hard?
It is! But so worth it.
Colleges look at the Lightning Sash.
NASA likes the Lightning
Sash on a résumé.
So do Fortune 500 companies.
I know what, um, those are
The top 500 fortune cookie companies?
If I were you, I'd get on it.
Look, you're one of our more
- seasoned Thundergirls.
- Thank you?
But for someone so seasoned,
you are way behind on your badge count.
Course I was too at your age.
But you buckled down and
got your Lightning Sash?
I did not. And I regret it
every day of my damn life.
Sorry for swearing, a
Thundergirl never swears.
Good story. Especially the profanity.
I was mostly distracted by Mom's fly.
Yeah, you did not do a great job, Lin.
Okay, okay, there. It's all the way up.
- It-It's not.
- Oh.
What the hell's going
on with these pants?
Anyway, keep talking, Tina.
So, you want to get this
Lightning Sash thing?
Now I do.
I-I've just been having
fun at Thundergirls when
I should have been thinking
about how it could mold
- my whole entire future.
- That's what you get
for being such a party animal.
Wait, so how many badges do you need
- for your Lightning Sash?
- 25.
And how many do you have?
Six. Including the badge you get
just for joining Thundergirls.
- The joiner badge.
- Aw, my little Jackie Joyner-Kersee.
And you've been a Thundergirl forever,
so at this rate, by the
time you get 25 badges,
- you'll be a million years old?
- Oh, no! That's too old.
Tina, listen, you can still
get your lightning thingy.
You're just gonna have to pick
up the pace a bit, you know?
- You're right.
- Thattagirl!
I'll earn a badge a
day. Starting tomorrow.
A badge a day?
Yep. The sooner I get it done,
the sooner I can get my
out-of-control life back on track.
- Oh, boy.
- Okay
Let's go alphabetically. Archery badge.
I can rip through that one really fast.
Yes, please, can we
be an archery family?
Uh, I mean, "ripping through archery"
just sounds like a bad idea.
Rapping through archery
though, that could be something.
What rhymes with
"archery"? "Fart-chery"?
Okay, how about, uh
bird-watching? That's easy.
Oh, uh, you know, I dabbled
in bird-watching once.
Well, by dabbled, I mean
I bought a bird guide
and put it up on the shelf
and looked up at it sometimes.
That's great because the
Thundergirl Handbook says
we'll need a bird guide.
And also binoculars.
We used to have binoculars.
What happened to those?
They're in my room. I
use them to spy on my feet
while I lie in bed. Where's my badge?
Great. I'll go to the park
tomorrow to see some birds.
- Dad, bird-man? You're coming with.
- Oh, uh, okay.
I mean, I should stay
at the restaurant, but
bird-watching does sound relaxing.
Uh, you know, I've been
a little stressed lately.
You mean, all the time
every day, all day long?
- And when you sleep.
- Yeah, pretty much.
Great. I'm gonna get my
Lightning Sash and have a good future
and it's all gonna be fine.
Oh, and Mom? Your fly is
somehow all the way down again.
Oh, wow. Maybe this
is just how it is now
and I'm gonna have to
buy cuter underwear.
All right, Dad. I'm looking
at the time and it's bird o'clock.
Hey, Bob, aren't you
kind of afraid of birds?
I was. But I realized they
aren't trying to kill me,
and now I'm fine with them.
- If they don't get too close to me.
- Like me with salads.
Not to be rude, but did you hear
when I said it was bird o'clock?
It's almost bird-thirty now, so
Tina, easy. But okay, we can go.
Bye! I'll be here if you need me.
Uh I figured. Linda,
thanks for covering.
You're welcome. Say
"hi" to the birds for me.
Or flip 'em the bird. Ha!
- Uh, okay.
- That'd be funny
'cause they're also birds.
So, how does this work exactly?
I have to observe 15
different types of wild birds,
identify them by name,
and write them down.
Well, good thing we have my bird book.
For the identifying part.
Really glad I bought this
so long ago.
Did it make a noise when you opened it?
Yeah. Because it's never been opened.
Probably thought it never would be.
I bet some new birds have come out
since that was published. Look!
- Oh, yeah.
- A black hopper bird.
You-you mean a crow?
- Right. A crow. Sorry, I choked.
- That-That's okay.
One bird type down. 14 types to go.
- "Crow."
- Uh Yep, that was a crow.
"American crow," technically.
"Widespread. Numerous in cities.
Of the genus Corvus "
- Got it, Dad.
- Yep.
Birds ♪
Bird ♪
Bird, bird ♪
Bird. ♪
Where's all the friggin' birds?
I mean, we saw Bruce the goose,
but then like ten different crows.
Or maybe the same crow
ten different times?
Yeah, what is this, a
Counting Crows concert?
- What?
- Nothing.
We're not on schedule here.
Didn't we also see a pigeon?
Yeah. Plus that little brown bird.
What did we think that was?
Sparrow, maybe?
It was hard to get a clear ID.
That's another thing
why do they have to fly around so much?
We need like 11 more species!
- Oh, look, a ranger.
- Is that a type of bird? Where?
No, I-I mean, a park
ranger. Who works here.
Oh. It's Ranger Matthew Dainko.
Maybe he can point us to where
the cool bird hangouts are.
He fricking better!
Sorry. I'll calm down.
- Uh, excuse me? Ranger Dainko?
- Can I help you?
Maybe. Um, I'm here working toward
my Thundergirls Lightning Sash.
Are you trying to earn
your trash clean-up badge?
- Oh, no. Sorry.
- Ah. Then I'll, uh carry on.
But-but actually I'm trying
to earn my birding badge?
Oh! Well, you came to the right place.
It's like Grand Central
Station for birds around here,
with all the species passing
through on their migration routes.
I've seen common
starlings, house finches,
cedar waxwings That's my spark bird.
- Your what?
- Spark bird,
the bird that got me
interested in birding.
A waxwing showed up
outside the ranger station
one day when I was at a
vulnerable place in my personal life.
- What was wrong?
- Maybe we shouldn't get into it.
No, no, no, no, no, it's okay.
I had just gotten the
worst haircut of my life.
- Oh.
- I mean, this was here.
Huh. That sounds awful.
I stared at that
waxwing for half an hour.
Just feeling my feelings, you know?
- Uh-oh.
- Uh, are you okay?
Eh, let's not talk about
waxwings. Or bad haircuts.
Hey, say you wanted to see
a lot of different birds
in a really, really short time.
Really short time. What would you do?
Well, birding's about being present.
You know, slowing down.
- Great.
- Some people come out here
and just want it to happen
fast, so they pull out
all sorts of dirty little tricks.
- Go on
- Well, you know,
some people use recorded bird calls.
That's frowned upon.
- Oh, yeah. That's terrible.
- And then there's the punks that bait.
- They "bait"?
- Yeah, they put out a bunch of food,
then watch the birds roll in.
It's not sporting.
And as everyone knows, you
don't feed wild animals.
- That's a big old no-no.
- Yeah, sure, totally.
I see anyone doing that in this park,
I'm slapping them with a fine.
Good to know, good
to know, good to know.
Yeah. Thank you, Ranger Dainko.
Uh, could you recommend
any specific spots
that are good for bird-watching?
'Cause where we've been
has been not that.
Well, you could always try the meadow.
You just follow that
path, go to the right,
and then stay along the wood line.
- Anyway, happy birding.
- Thank you. - Thanks.
Okay, so now we know what not to do.
Uh-huh. Or do we know
what not not to do?
Mm. Mm-mm.
Would you say this is your
- best bread for baiting birds?
- What?
- We'll take it
- Oh, my God.
Tina, the ranger said
you shouldn't bait them.
So, let's not do that
and just use the bread
for sandwiches?
He'll never catch us, okay?
We can say we're having a picnic.
A bread picnic. Also, how's
your phone reception here?
Want to pull up some bird
calls from the Internet?
Maybe a fun playlist?
Tina, I really don't
want us to get caught
and then have to pay a fine.
Dad, I can either get my Lightning Sash
and do well in life or
not get it, and-and
never get into a good college
and never achieve my dreams!
Okay, okay. I guess it
will just be feeding birds.
People do that all the time, right?
Sure. And people also just
casually play bird calls
from their phone.
So that birds can hear
how great they sound.
- Could you cue 'em up?
- Uh yep.
I'm just gonna say it
this day could be more fun.
Shall I do a little dance?
You've already done
so many of those today.
What if you dare me to do something?
Like, dare you to dream?
No. What if you dare
me to put this napkin
on Teddy's shoulder
without him noticing?
Ah, the old napkin shoulder. Classic.
Okay, you dared me to do it,
I'm doing it. I feel so alive.
Teddy, old buddy, old pal. How's tricks?
Oh, hey, Louise. I'm doing good.
A little anxious.
Might be all the coffee.
I think I might need some more coffee
just to kind of push past it, you know?
Get to that place where
nothing matters anymore.
Great. Well, keep up the good work.
More coffee, Teddy?
You betcha, yes, please. Toot-toot!
- Or decaf, we have decaf
- I'd rather be dead!
Okay, okay. I might
not fill up the whole cup.
Hey, how come you got a
napkin on your shoulder?
Huh? Oh. Did I put
that there this morning?
Do I have one there a lot?
Hmm.
- Now it's my turn to dare you.
- Now dare's an idea! Eh? Nailed it.
Little louder with the bird calls?
Let's hear those "cheep-cheeps"
in the cheap seats, huh?
What bird call is that?
"Exotic Birds of the Amazon."
I-I think the one video ended
and this played automatically.
Maybe exotic is good?
Birds will think they're on vacation?
Um, what are you doing with the crumbs?
Making a smiley face.
If you were a bird,
would you fly past a smiley
face made of bread crumbs?
- Probably not?
- Okay then.
- How are you at emoji silly tongues?
- I mean not great.
Just do what you can.
Kids? Order's up!
- Little help?
- Coming!
- You're on. Make it good.
- I'm always on, honey!
Your burger, madam. Young sir
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
And, uh Do you have
a diaper you could spare?
- Excuse me?
- I said, "Do you have a spare diaper?"
For my cute little bottom
that needs to go poo-poo.
- There I did it, goodbye!
- "Poo-poo."
I'm a genius.
Gene. Louise. In here, now.
- Crap.
- Don't feel bad.
- Potty training is hard.
- She's right.
I know what you kids are doing.
- It was all Gene's idea.
- What?
- You're doing dares.
- I know, it's awful.
That's what I kept trying to tell Gene.
Shush. What I want to know
is why didn't you ask me to play?
- Uh huh?
- Wait, you want us to dare you?
Yeah! I do dares. I love dares.
- I never said no to one. Ever.
- Is that a good thing?
Of course it is. When I was growing up,
kids in the neighborhood
called me "the Dare-y Queen."
- Huh.
- Mm.
Well, I called myself that a
lot and it kind of caught on.
But hey, this isn't the old
neighborhood. We're at work.
So, no bothering the customers
and nothing that makes
a big mess, capisce?
- We can work with that.
- All right, then.
Go dream up a good dare
for your mother. Make it fun.
- I dare you to hug me, woman!
- Aw, I'll take that dare.
But seriously. Give me a
real dare. Better than that.
- It's working.
- Okay, um,
those are mourning doves.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
So, yeah. Wow. Should we just walk away
from this bird-baiting area and,
you know, try not to do things
that could get us fined?
But this is going well, Dad.
And we still have eight
bird types left to go.
- Huh.
- What?
You see that up there?
There's sort of a large bird.
Yeah, that's a big boy. Or girl.
I can't see its, um N-Never mind.
Can you see its beak?
Is it more pecky, or rip apart-y?
I think it's hooked? So rip apart-y?
I'm not sure,
but I think that's a hawk.
Possibly a broad-winged hawk.
Okay. And it's circling why?
Is it doing laps?
Is this a fitness thing?
I think it's circling because
we might've made it easy for it to see
where its next meal is coming from.
- Oh, no. You mean the doves?
- Yup.
Birds eat other birds?!
I mean, I guess I knew that
but it seems crazy to me now!
They should be friends,
they have so much in common!
Yeah. But eating each other is
definitely something they do.
No! We can't let this
happen! Get away, birds!
Fly away from the smiley
face silly tongues!
- It's a trap!
- Uh, Tina.
- Ranger Matthew Dainko!
- Okay, okay. Uh
I'll just pick up all
the crumbs. There's one.
- There's one!
- Tina, we should go.
Just a couple more crumbs.
There's one. Oh, so many crumbs.
- Tina!
- Okay, coming!
- Oh, God!
- Uh, yup.
A broad-winged hawk.
Wow, look at this great illustration.
- Huh, huh.
- Never mind.
Do you think the dove's gonna be okay?
Yeah. Yeah.
Uh, maybe don't look, though.
Also, Ranger Dainko's
walking this way, so, uh
- Tina, we've got to go.
- What have I done?!
Tina, please.
Um, can you make that
noise a little quieter?
Thank you.
Thank you, that's better.
What the heck happened
here? Bread crumbs?!
Oh, no.
The bird call video came back on!
- How do I mute this thing?!
- Toucans?
Please stop, phone.
Why are you doing this?
You! You bad birders!
- Stay right there!
- Okay, run!
Excuse me, can you point me
to the nearest water fountain?
I'm very parched.
It's-it's over there by the dog run.
The dog run dog run,
or the field where
people let their dogs run?
I don't have time for this!
- Excuse me!
- Sorry.
- Dog run dog run!
- Thank you.
Ow! Ow, ow! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
Yeah, baby! I did the dare!
Hot plates, straight
out of the dishwasher.
- Impressive.
- I often drop them
even when they're not hot.
Good dare, good dare. Way better than
the "napkin on the
shoulder" thing, which,
uh, sorry little lowbrow.
Wait, there's another
one on there! Dang it!
All right, next dare.
Give it to me. Dare-y Queen's ready!
Okay, I think I might have something.
Ooh, tell me.
- Interesting.
- What is it? What is it?
I can tell it's gonna be good.
Well, first you should
know it involves a customer.
What? That's one of the rules, Louise.
But all the best dares are
about humiliating yourself.
You can't just take that off the table.
Yeah, it's like Peter Jackson saying,
"I'll make a movie but
absolutely no hobbits!"
Plus, you said you
never turn down a dare.
- You did say that, Linda.
- Come on, Dare-y Queen.
No. I'm not doing it.
It's irresponsible.
And you know what? I'm fine with it.
I'm fine with not doing the dare.
Just go bus that table.
I'm gonna go in the
kitchen. I'm fine with this.
Wow. What happened to you, Linda?
- You used to be cool.
- I still respect you, Mom.
Ah, whatever.
Did we lose him?
Oh. Look over there, Tina.
It's a blue jay. See it?
Yeah.
Uh, maybe you want to
put it down in your book?
One blue jay Not ripped
apart by hawk because of me.
Okay.
And now let's watch for more birds as we
get out of here very quickly.
Hopefully the ranger gave up
- looking for us.
- Okay.
On three, we get up
and run out of the park
or I might walk fast.
I'm not sure what I'm up for.
Ready? One, two, three.
This is Ranger Matthew Dainko!
Bad birding people,
bird-killing birder-ers,
if you can hear this,
you are wanted for questioning,
- and definite fining!
- Oh, God.
He's gonna find us.
Then he's gonna fine us.
The old find-and-fine.
What if we hide? In there?
Okay, we're here now. And
for a bathroom in the park,
there isn't too much horrible
stuff I can't look at.
Except in the toilet, and all around it.
- And the walls.
- Yeah, the walls are bad.
I will cover every inch of this park
until I find you monsters!
This is all my fault. I
thought this was gonna be
the first step toward a
successful life. But I lost it, man.
I'm a dove killer
hiding out in a toilet.
How's that look on a
college application?
Uh, Tina, don't feel too bad.
I-I bet the dove died happy?
Eating really good bread.
That's how I want go, Tina.
And I think, yeah, I'm
pretty sure he was really old.
And maybe even had a terminal illness?
All right, I'll-I'll stop talking.
Can you still hear me, bad birders?
Are you out there somewhere tossing
bread around like it's
the devil's confetti?!
I'm gonna peek real
quick to see where he is.
And he's very close.
Uh, hey, there's a crow.
Oh, no, do you think he heard
what happened and now he wants revenge?
It looks like he's just
messing with a twig.
Is he gonna turn it into a weapon?
- Is he gonna shiv us in the bathroom?!
- I don't think so.
Oh, God, he just looked at me, though.
- Don't make eye contact.
- Right.
I just came to drop off
an order. And also I wanted to ask,
how does it feel to be a
shell of your former self,
- Dare-y Queen?
- She used to be the Dare-y Queen.
But that was a long time ago.
Isn't that right, Linda?
Hmm. I wonder how
she'd feel if we double
dog
- Don't you do it, Louise!
- dared her.
No!
- Double dog deal with it, Mama!
- Oh, okay, fine. I'll do it!
- Come back here, tell me what it is.
- Yay, Linda!
God, I love peer pressure. Always works.
Okay, I don't see him
and I don't hear him.
Maybe we should make a run for it?
- Oh, wow.
- What? Do you see him?
No, the crow.
I thought it was playing
with a twig, but it was bending it.
O-Okay. The ranger thing
feels a little more pressing, but great.
Now it's poking the stick into a log.
- Like it's using it.
- Oh, yeah.
I-I think that's a crow thing.
They-they make tools, maybe?
I mean, mostly they
dig in dumpsters, but
It's really getting in there.
Maybe it's looking for bugs?
Or treasure? Probably bugs.
- Found you!
- Ah!
Geez, did you have to use the megaphone?
- Yes!
- Ah!
Come out, you two. Come on out.
I knew I should've checked
the bathroom earlier,
but I thought, "They wouldn't
hide in the bathroom."
Not that our bathrooms
aren't reasonably sanitary
but come on, it's a park bathroom.
I'm so sorry, Ranger Dainko.
Yeah. Th-This is really my fault.
- I mean, I'm gonna say that.
- It's not really his fault.
- Oh! The crow's back.
- What? Oh.
We've been watching him
while we've been in this
reasonably sanitary bathroom.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah, he bent a twig
and he's been poking into that log for,
- like, a while now.
- Huh.
I've heard about it, but I've never
actually seen them use tools before.
That is truly Oh,
I'm-I'm talking too loud.
- Do you mind if I ?
- Uh Okay. Yeah.
- Geez. Look at that.
- Crows are really smart, huh?
Yeah, we should stop eating them.
Kidding. That was not a
good joke around bird lovers.
So about those bread
crumbs and the dove.
I'm so sorry about the bread crumbs,
and the bird calls, and the
poor innocent little dove
who I'm praying is at
least in bird heaven.
Which must be really high up there.
It would have to be or
birds would always be
flying into it by accident?
Anyway, I just I wanted
my Lightning Sash so much.
Oh, Tina. I was in the Nature Boys.
For us it was the Order of the Grizzly.
A lot of the other fellas
were hustling for that
Grizzly Sash and I
always felt bad for them
'cause they never just
stopped and smelled the roses.
Rose-smelling was a badge back then.
Really? Huh. Seems like an easy one.
I mean, look at us, right
now, just crouching here
enjoying this majestic crow.
He doesn't give up, does he?
- I really like that crow.
- Oh, my God.
- Is it your spark bird?
- Oh. Yeah. I guess it is.
Oh, I'm witnessing someone
find their spark bird.
This is gonna get emotional for me.
Uh, okay. Are-are
you Are you all right?
Do you want some toilet paper?
Oh, uh, never mind, the
whole roll is wet somehow.
I mean, I can probably
guess how it-it got wet.
I'll-I'll be fine. Hey
let's forget about the whole
"bread crumbs, dead dove,
chasing you around
the park" thing, okay?
We're all birders here.
- Whoa.
- He did it.
A millipede! What a rush, huh?
You guys, uh, want to
watch a little longer or
- Oh, oh. It flew away.
- Aw.
Should we, uh, get out of the bathroom?
Yeah, yeah, let's get out.
Uh, I actually have to pee, so
Never mind, I'll hold it. No offense.
Uh, excuse me? We're ready to order.
Your server will be
with you in a moment.
Here I come.
- Uh
- Ow.
Okay, uh
Sorry, I'm a little turned around today.
- What can I get you?
- Um, I would like a Burger of the Day?
- Ooh, good choice.
- And, uh fries.
- Fries, yep, yep, of course.
- Loving this. Loving this.
- How about you, sir? What'll you have?
- Um, a cheeseburger.
You got it! Writing it down.
Here I go. Cheese burger.
Wow. Guess the Dare-y
Queen's alive and well.
Ooh! Now I will bring your
order back into the kitchen.
And cook it. Like this. Ow.
No, no, no, no, no. Mom,
don't do that. That seems dangerous.
I'm doing it. It's a double dog dare.
- I'm gettin' double dare points!
- Oh, dear Lord.
Dare-y Queen! Oh, God!
- Mom!
- No, I'm fine!
Ow. Oh, God.
- Ow!
- She's so brave.
Well, looky here, if
it isn't the bird nerds.
- Ha! She nailed you guys.
- Mm.
So? How'd it go, Tina?
You get your badge?
I'm two birds away. I might go back
to the park and finish up tomorrow.
And then you're on your way to
getting your Lightning hoozit?
Maybe. I think I'm just gonna
earn badges at a normal speed.
I might get more out of it.
And I don't want to be a fortune
cookie company CEO anyway.
And no doves have to die.
- Say what now?
- Uh, I'll tell you later.
Did you hear what it
sounds like when doves cry?
Eh Yeah. It's unsettling.
- How was it here?
- Eh, fine.
We sold some burgers,
ate some gross stuff,
maybe scared a couple
customers a little bit.
Um What-what do you mean?
Well, glad to have you back, big guy.
Why did you just put a
napkin on my shoulder?
- Ha! It was a dare.
- No, it wasn't.
They dared me, Bob. I swear.
We don't know what he's talking about.
- What's a "dare"?
- No, you guys. Come on.
It's kind of a waste of a napkin.
No. No. It was a dare!
You got to believe me, Bob!
Teddy, calm down.
Sha, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪
Mm, uh-huh ♪
Mr. Crow and me ♪
Watching from the bathroom ♪
When I see you there
bending that stick ♪
I want to say, "Hey, look
at you bend that stick" ♪
Don't want to see a pigeon ♪
Mr. Crow, poke that log
until you find something ♪
Looks like you found a beetle? ♪
Oh, look, now you
flew up in a tree ♪
Mr. Crow and ♪