Family Guy s13e17 Episode Script

* It seems today that all you see * * Is violence in movies and sex on TV * * But where are those good old-fashioned values * * On which we used to rely? * * Lucky there's a family guy * * Lucky there's a man who positively can do * * All the things that make us * * Laugh and cry * * He's a Fam ily Guy! * And that is why chest hair is on its way back.
Hey, guys.
I got something for you, an invitation for each of you to Quagfest.
Quagfest? What's that? "You and a guest are cordially invited "to witness Glenn Quagmire's "at Quagfest, a three-day festival celebrating the three F's: food, fun, and" Oh, my.
Yeah, they almost wouldn't print that at Kinko's.
Damn! 1,000 women? Well, 1,000 sexual conquests.
No further questions.
Sounds like fun, Glenn! Yeah, I'm closing down the whole street.
It's gonna be like a block party but with way more weirdos grinding up against your wives.
That sounds awesome! There hasn't been that kind of excitement on our street since we had that big Dumpster in our front yard.
Can someone take out the garbage? I will! Yeah! Yeah! Smash! Boom! Someone stop him.
Last time, he threw out our whole bedroom.
I'm still in here! Oh, big Dumpster-- that-that reminds me, Ice-T's wife is also coming to Quagfest.
And in local news, Hollywood comes to Quahog, almost, as three hours from here in Waterbury, Connecticut, Liam Neeson has begun shooting his latest film.
His new project is reportedly an historical epic, in which Mr.
Neeson stars as a vengeance-crazed Albert Einstein.
Channel Five News has this exclusive first look that I taped off my VCR from Entertainment Tonight.
All right, I'll give you the formula.
My foot equals your balls squared.
Pfft.
Liam Neeson.
What a fraud.
Oh, come on, Peter.
Not this again.
What? He's a fake tough guy.
I could totally kick his ass.
Knock it off.
We've had to hear this same speech a million times.
Yeah, every time you get a couple of beers in you, we have to hear all about how you can beat up Liam Neeson.
That's not true.
Yes, it is.
What about that time we snuck beers into the opera? PETER I could totally beat up Liam Neeson.
Hey, you know this old woman who lived in a shoe, she had so many children, she didn't know what to do? I got something she could do.
Get your tubes tied, you kook! Hey, how you doing on that chocolate milk? You need a little freshen-up? There's my little sweetie.
Are you ready to go home, Stewie? Oh, Lois, I'm glad you're here.
I noticed that you're one of the moms who hasn't yet signed up to be a classroom volunteer.
Oh, I-I just assumed after that incident in the parking lot with that bitch in the Lexus, you wouldn't want me to.
But, yeah, I'd be happy to help out in the class.
What? I don't want you here.
This is my turf.
I don't bother you when you're sitting on the washing machine, screaming Aaron Eckhart's name.
Great! We'd love to have you start tomorrow, if you're free.
Sure, let me just check my schedule.
Hmm, I guess I could just get the mail at night.
Wow, Quagfest is a bigger deal than I thought.
Oh, look, here's a simulation of what it's like to have sex with Quagmire.
Hi.
Bye! All right, kids, now pay attention, all right? These are all of Quagmire's women organized by country.
There's Brazil.
There's Italy.
And there's Thailand.
Wow.
Wow, they're young.
We should go.
I'd like to thank you all for coming to Quagfest.
Now, no celebration of my 1,000th would be complete without first meeting number one.
Here she is, all the way from Weathersfield Elementary School, Miss Eleanor! Do I still get a piece of candy after? Nice lady.
All right, we've met number one.
Now let's meet number 1,000! Ladies and gentlemen, my 1,000th sexual conquest is this largemouth bass! Yeah.
Yeah, that's right.
I'm weird.
I thought I was here to watch normal intercourse on a residential street.
Children, we're leaving! Oh, this'll be so fun volunteering in your class, Stewie.
Eat my button, you whore.
Oh, Lois, I'm so glad you're here.
I got to run out to the parking lot.
I'm buying cigarettes from some guy on Craigslist.
Go ahead.
I'll handle the kids.
Oh, Landon, what's the matter? Aw, did you spill juice on yourself, sweetheart? "Sweetheart"? Slow your roll there, Cougar Town.
Well, let's get you cleaned up.
And you know what? For today, you can be my little helper.
What the hell?! If anyone should be her helper, it should be me.
She's my mother.
We're supposed to be a team.
Like the Lone Ranger and Tonto.
Well, Tonto, the bad guys are going to jail.
Looks like this little town is safe again.
Yes, Kemosabe.
So, uh, what do you say? Want to grab a drink, maybe dinner? Sorry.
Me no like to hang with work people.
Well, I got to hand it to you, Quagmire.
That Quagfest was some party.
Yeah, except I got molested in the House of Mirrors by either one man or 100 identical men.
Could've used a heads-up on that one.
Yeah, I'll tell you who might want a heads-up: Liam Neeson.
Oh, for God's sake! 'Cause someday, I'm gonna kick his ass.
Damn it, Peter, I'm sick of this! I've had it! Me, too.
I mean, we just had a great day of fun and rides and finger-sniffing, and all you can talk about is fighting some guy you've never even met! Yeah, he's lucky we've never met.
I'd knock his teeth down his throat and out his stupid Irish fudge knot.
You know what? You're full of it.
If you were ever face-to-face with Liam Neeson, you'd crap your pants.
No, I wouldn't.
Well, fine.
Let's prove it.
Put up or shut up.
Right now.
What? What are you talking about? Well, we know where Liam Neeson is.
That's right! He's shooting a movie in Connecticut! We could be there in three hours.
All right, great.
Liam Neeson has three more hours to live.
Let's do this.
All right! Yeah! I've never been to Connecticut! Hang on, fellas.
I actually have been to Connecticut one time.
To meet Loretta at a McDonald's parking lot to pick up my son, Cleveland, Jr.
I cried in my sedan, in front of my boy.
It was sad.
That's why I fibbed on it.
I'm sorry.
Can we do a happy yell again to get the taste out of my mouth? All right! Yeah! Yeah! I've been to Connecticut! All right, Peter, Liam Neeson must be on the other side of that barrier.
We just got to get you on that set, so you can kick his ass.
We're so close, I can almost taste his ass.
Can I help you? Hello, sir.
We're here to see Liam Neeson, the guy who wears the same long jacket in all his movies.
Sorry, this is a closed set.
Peter, you're never gonna get close enough to Liam Neeson to throw a punch at the guy.
That's why I got to lure him out here to come to me.
Remember, Liam Neeson's Irish.
That's why I'm dressing up as the one woman no Irishman can resist: Mrs.
Potato Head.
PETER Ooh, Mrs.
Potato Head here! Any Irish actors around who might be interested in me? You're damn right, darlin'.
Colin Farrell? What are you doing here? Shoo! Shoo! Get away! Oh-ho, you're a feisty potato.
The back is all mashed potatoes now.
Okay, guys, there's no better way to draw out an Irishman than setting up a confession booth.
Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
It has been one day since my last confession.
Go on, my son.
I killed After the movie, I got the taste for it.
Did you kill them quickly? No.
Wolves must be tortured.
The best way to kill wolves is to kill their leader, wear his skin, kiss some of the wolves, then kill them.
I also steal small items from 7-Eleven.
SweeTarts, Jolly Ranchers, and the like.
Sometimes a lighter.
I don't even smoke.
Sometimes I roll up those tattoo magazines, stuff 'em up my sleeve.
If I get caught, I just tell the man I forgot.
Then, of course, it's back to murdering wolves.
All right.
Uh, that'll be, uh three Hail Marys.
Tough but fair.
Thank you, Father.
Uh, hey, not so fast! Excuse me, sir.
We were sent here by the production.
Are you the guy who's been looking for Liam Neeson? I am.
Do you mind if we ask what for? Yeah, I was hopin' to inflict violence upon him.
All right, you're coming with us.
Don't worry, Peter! We'll raise your bail money as soon as we can! Uh, excuse me, sir.
My phone's not working.
Do you mind if I follow you home and use yours? All right, kids, Miss Tammy's in her car yelling at her boyfriend on the phone again, so it looks like I'm doing lunch.
Okay, Landon, time to sabotage you with the most dangerous thing in the world for a toddler: a whole, uncut grape.
God, look how fat kids are getting.
Oh, Landon, no! Uh-uh, you could choke on that! Did your mommy forget to slice your grapes for you? Here, let me help.
Ugh, there's nothing to cut these with.
Oh, that's it, Landon! If you're gonna seduce my mother, then I shall seduce yours.
I'll be as irresistible to her as wood is to a woodchuck.
Mom, Dad, I've done a lot of thinking, and I've decided I don't want to go into the family business.
I want to be a doctor.
Hmm.
Let's try that on for size.
How much disease could a woodchuck doctor cure if a woodchuck doctor could cure disease? Is that sounding right to you? No.
Hey, Jimmy? Yeah, Dad? Next time, if you have an idea, run it through the test before you embarrass yourself.
Wake up, Griffin.
Your bail's been posted.
What time is it? I did.
Oh, sorry.
I thought you were gonna ask something else.
Liam Neeson?! You posted my bail?! That's right.
I hear you've been all over town saying you could kick my arse.
Well, there's no time like the present.
Go ahead, take your best shot.
Oh, no, no, no, Mr.
Neeson, you heard wrong.
There's nobody who respects you more than I do.
May I offer you the most sincere, honest apology I? Ha, ha! Ow! Ah, damn it! My hands are stinging from the vibrations! My turn.
Aah! Will Liam Neeson punch Peter? Will Stewie stop being jealous of his mom or something? Stay tuned for the thrilling conclusion of this story, and the just-regular conclusion of the other story.
Oh, please don't hurt me! I was just trying to seem tough in front of my friends! Well, you're in trouble now, lad.
I've been a world-famous tough guy since I was 55.
Please, please, I'll do anything! Anything you want, just don't kill me! What could you possibly do for me? I'll-I'll-I'll shine your shoes, or scrub your toilets! Or coil your penis! The Internet tells me that's something you might have a need for.
Hmm well, that could save me some time in the morning.
Whatever it takes for you to not beat me up.
All right, it's a deal.
You can help me with some chores.
But one slip-up, and you'll be deader than the first man to die in the Battle of the Boyne.
Normally when we do those, there's-there's, like, a joke.
I'm not your clown.
All right, Landon, let's see how you like it when someone moves in on your territory.
Let's just say your mom's about to see a diaper rashy scrotum.
Wow, I didn't know Landon had a younger sister.
Oh, hi.
Aren't you a cutie.
Oh my God, this is gonna happen.
Okay, go run along with your teacher.
Time for me to go.
W- Wait, wait, don't leave! Ow! My knee! Oh, sweetie, did you get a boo-boo? Here, let me kiss it and make it better.
Okay, that's more like it.
Oh, I certainly hope no one sees Landon's mom bobbing for Stew.
Yeah, get in there.
Damn it, she's not watching.
You keep going, though.
Don't forget about the underneath part of my knee.
Okay, Peter, I've got a list of chores here.
Um, first, I've been summoned to be a potential juror, but I don't want to go, so I need you to report in my name.
Prospective juror number 17, the defendant is a kraken.
Would you have any problem convicting a kraken? Um, I would try to be fair, but, uh, I am on record, you know, very famously, as having released a kraken.
Your Honor, we'd like to thank and excuse juror number 17.
Hey, man, thanks.
Yeah, good luck, man.
Okay, I have another important job for you.
I want you to take over my Twitter feed and tweet back to my fans.
See? Like that.
You get the gist of what my Twitter is about.
Peter, I was at an outdoor mall today, and there was a kiosk selling little remote control cars.
One of them drove right up to me.
It was very funny and enjoyable, so what I need you to do is to go to a local gym and ask men to pee in your hands.
I- I don't see the connection there.
Do I need to repeat myself? The car came right up to me.
It it did spins and had flashing lights.
I enjoyed it.
Go to the gym, kneel down in the shower, and ask strange men to pee in your cupped hands.
Hey, man, did Liam Neeson send you? Yeah, he loves them little cars.
All right, guys, how are we doing on Peter's bail money? I got my whole family praying on it.
Well, that's very helpful.
How about you, Joe? Oh, Bonnie won't let me spend any more money on Peter because he's not very nice to me.
Hey, guys.
What the hell?! You're out of jail! How'd you get out? With my smooth talki ta My I used I My word My I words I used words.
Wow.
Glad you're back.
So, you ready to admit you're never gonna kick Liam Neeson's ass? It just so happens, Joe, that I already did.
You what?! If you beat up Liam Neeson, how come it wasn't in the papers? Oh, you know, he's a big star.
He had the whole thing covered up.
Everybody knows Irish Catholics control the media.
Oop, uh, oh, Chris was shot at school.
If it's not one thing, it's another.
You know what? I- I've thought about it.
Do what you want with Landon.
Just don't do it in front of me, all right? Oh, hi, Landon.
How are you today, cutie? Aah! What did I just tell you?! I hate this! I hate you! I hate everything! Oh, Stewie, you're upset.
Are are you jealous? Yes! You've destroyed us! Were you at least safe? Oh, don't worry, sweetie.
You'll always be my favorite little boy.
I will? And besides, my week as a helper mommy is done now, so when you come home today, you'll have me all to yourself.
Oh.
Ok Okay.
Hey, you-you hear that, Landon? That's how you keep your bitch in line.
So, you know, Jar Jar wasn't there the whole time.
It was just a green screen.
Yes, I heard you say that earlier.
Peter? Quagmire? Cleveland?! And me.
I'm here, too.
You're wh? What are you doing here? Well, you were acting weird, so we followed you.
We want to know what's going on.
Well, h-how'd you guys get on the set? I bit the security guard in the nards.
I don't like to do it a lot, but you're my friend, Peter.
Who are these two idiots? Three.
Three idiots.
Big fan.
And what's up with Liam Neeson? You said you kicked his ass.
Look, you guys, I I lied about that.
What?! I acted like such a big man, and I didn't want to admit I was a coward.
I was too scared to fight Liam Neeson.
That's why he's my big fat houseboy now.
Now, Peter, I'm out of crackers, and I'm gluten-free, so what I need you to do is go to a local gym and ask men to pee in your hands.
What the hell?! Come on, what are you waiting for, Griffin? No, Liam, I'm not doing your stupid chores anymore.
And there's something else I got to tell you.
Your story thread in Love, Actually is the second worst.
You better take that back.
No way your son would learn the drums in that amount of time.
Oh, that tears it! Aah! Hey, Peter, you're up there, now? Who's winning? Aah! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to get a free movie set haircut.
Damn it! I was stupid to think I could beat up Liam Neeson.
You guys must think I'm pathetic.
Are you kidding? You took on the star of Kinsey! Yeah, and more importantly, you followed through on your drunken ravings.
Wow.
I guess you're right.
Thanks, guys.
You know, I guess the lesson here is, Oskar Schindler wasn't real.
And neither was anything in that movie.
I- I-I don't think that's the lesson.