Bob's Burgers s13e18 Episode Script

1
I can't believe it. A
hundred-dollar gift card
to the More Store?
It's the best tip we've ever gotten.
Even better than that time
that guy left us a stick of gum.
- Gum guy.
- Yeah, gum guy.
I can't believe we got this.
It's so much money.
Yeah, it's like $100.
I'm kind of surprised
a guy walking around
with a hundred-dollar gift
card would even want to
- eat here. No offense.
- Hey.
Come on, Dad, admit it.
You're confused, too.
Mm, a little bit.
He was probably a tech billionaire,
or an ambassador or an influencer.
They all eat food sometimes, right?
Who knows why he left this
tip? But I'm glad he did.
I love the More Store.
Clothes and towels
and toilet paper an medicine and wine.
And all at affordable prices.
Plus, their lights are so
bright you can see if you have
any weird spots on your skin.
You forgot toys. They also have toys.
Nobody cares about medicine.
He must have really liked the burger.
I mean, I know he did,
'cause he kept saying,
"I can't believe how
good this burger is."
He was maybe an angel
sent here just for me?
He liked all of it,
Dad. He also talked about
how great the service was,
and he definitely implied
that whoever handed him the
menu did it really gracefully,
and that was me. So I think
I deserve a cut of that tip.
I poured his water and
got all of it in the glass.
Well, most of it. No
one gets all of it in.
And I took his order, and I bet he liked
- having his order taken.
- LINDA: Well, I served him,
and he handed the card to me.
Right, so it's only fair
we split it five ways.
AKA splitskies.
Uh, well, we normally
don't split the tips
with you kids.
Or pay us in any way.
Yes, we've noticed.
Or another way of saying it is
we spend all our money
on you, because we pay for
things you do and things you wear
and the place you live.
But this isn't money, it's a gift card.
So we all get to spend $20
at the More Store? Great.
We've all agreed. I love this plan.
- Hmm.
- Well, you guys have been working
a little bit more, not terribly lately.
- Some effort has been made, I guess.
- Thank you.
I mean, I always try
and work as hard as I can.
Shh! We're doing collective bargaining.
- Oh, sorry.
- KIDS (HARMONIZING): Please.
- Ooh, harmony.
- Okay, how about this?
Bus those tables and we
can split the gift card.
I'm on break. Just kidding.
Tina, you heard the
man. Rub-a-dub bus-tub.
- Got it.
- Mama's going shopping.
- Let's go right now.
- Yay!
BOTH (CHANTING): Shop-ping. Shop-ping.
- Shop-ping. Shop-ping.
- No, no. We're open right now.
- We'll go after lunch.
- Okay.
We'll just do this until we go.
BOTH (CHANTING): Shop-ping. Shop-ping.
- Shop-ping.
- LINDA: Shop-ping! Shop-ping!
- Linda.
- What?
Shop-ping! Oh.
LOUISE: Hmm, no valet service
for people spending $100?
By the way, can I hold the card?
- No.
- Why? You don't trust me?
All right, fine, but stay close,
and keep your hands where I can see 'em.
Man, it's got some weight to it.
Okay, give it back.
- How was it?
- It was fantastic.
Anyone know what they're getting?
There's so many things to buy here.
I know. Stores. Am I right?
Whatever I get, I don't want it to be
something I regret later,
like when I bought
that bedazzled barrette.
Whoa, too much.
- I want to get another slide whistle.
- Oh, no. I mean, um, really?
Yeah, I don't know if they
have them, but I'm thinking
maybe there's a novelty
instruments department.
- Well, that would be great.
- Uh-huh.
I need it for my low-fi
album I'm working on.
It's screaming for some slide whistle.
Wait, don't you already have
a "super fun to listen to"
- slide whistle?
- I did, but I left it
at that kid Mitchell's house,
and we're not friends
anymore, so I can't really
call up and ask for it back.
Oh, yeah, Mitchell. Aw, why
aren't you friends anymore?
We're not friends anymore
because he was kind of annoying.
- How so?
- I mean, the slide whistle is
an elegant instrument,
but when he played it, ugh.
(PLAYING RAPIDLY)
(GENE GROANS)
It's the first time I've
ever de-friended someone,
but Mitchell is just a lot, and
I'm a simple, peaceful boy.
- BOB: Uh-huh.
- LINDA: Yeah, uh-huh.
- Okay, here we go.
- Whoa.
Shopping spree, meet shopping me.
Hello. Hi.
We have a hundred-dollar
gift card. No big deal.
Spending someone else's
money is thrilling.
- Anything could happen.
- Oh, yeah?
Or I'll just get some socks.
All right, we meet back at
the register in a half hour.
Remember, we have $20 to
spend, that's it. No going over.
- Don't forget tax, people.
- Okay, King George. Yeesh.
Should I spend $20 on
gumdrops? Maybe I should.
TINA: Boyz 4 Now concert DVD box set
with exclusive, never-before-seen
interviews with the band
and bonus content of the Boyz
singing a song called "Bonus Content"?
I've never seen this
before, and it's only $18.
Wait, is that 1,800? Nope. Phew, good.
- Nice. Put that on your maybe list.
- What?
This isn't a maybe baby.
This is a hell yeah.
Tina, Tina, Tina, it's a big store.
Never go with your first
choice without looking around.
That's shopping 101.
This is why you always
regret everything you buy,
and why you should always listen to me,
because I'm the
smartest person you know.
(SIGHS) You're right.
I'll put this on my maybe
list and keep looking.
Now, we've got 27 minutes
to look through this whole store and
Oh, my God an archery
set. I want it. I'm done.
- This is what I want.
- But you just said
Yeah, that rule only
applies if there aren't
amazing archery sets on sale.
Ooh, 25 bucks.
Uh, hey, Tina.
I have a wonderful investment
opportunity for you.
- Um, no thanks.
- Damn it.
We could have a beautiful life together.
Can you see it?
(GRUNTING)
Ooh, I'm gonna need a trampoline, too.
Wait, Tina. I'll be back to
buy you later. That's a promise.
Gonna hide you back
here, so you're safe.
Don't let anybody touch you.
And use the arrows if necessary.
Hmm. Kettlebells.
I could be a kettle fella.
Move to Kettle-delphia.
(GRUNTING)
Hi, yeah, I need to order some
of your athletic cut T-shirts?
Arm size? Uh, XXL.
Oh, wait, I just went up an X.
Yup, XXXL.
(GRUNTS) That's starting to hurt.
Yeah, I'm not getting this. (GRUNTS)
Oh, this is soft. I could
drool all over this baby.
Ooh, I just did a little. (GASPS)
It's beautiful.
The Seam Dream 3,000 Stitchinator.
Features 200 unique built-in stitches,
an auto-size buttonhole
and jam-resistant, drop-in-top bobbin.
Are you kidding me? I could sew
the hell out of a
Halloween costume with that.
And it's on sale for 99.95.
Huh, that's still a lot more than 20.
- Aw, nuts. I really want it.
- Then buy me, Linda.
But we have rules, Seam
Dream 3,000 Stitchinator.
Nobody can spend more than $20.
But your sewing machine
at home is a piece of crap.
It's not a piece of crap. It's
just kind of sort of broken
and everything comes out
wavy and the needle is bent.
Just convince your family
to spend all the money on me.
- I don't know.
- Think of all the stitches we could do.
- The straight stitch,
- Oh
- the basting stitch,
- Oh!
- the scallop stitch,
- Scallop!
- The zig-zag stich.
- Oh, God.
Okay, okay, okay, I'll
ask 'em, I'll ask 'em.
- The shell stitch.
- All right, all right, you
have a lot of stitches.
I got to go find Bob and the
kids and get them on board
with this stitch-uation. Ha! You get it.
(HUMMING A TUNE, GASPS) Oh, my.
Oh, my. Questlove, take me now.
- Am I allowed to play these?
- Yep.
I've never played an
electronic drum set before.
Is this what NASA uses when
they need to have a space jam?
Uh, I don't know. Probably.
Do I need to tie a
bandana around my head
or should I just start playing?
I'll just go for it.
And a one and a two,
and-a you know what to d (GASPS)
Mitchell! Oh, no.
- Uh, what are you doing?
- Mitchell's here.
- CLERK: I don't know who Mitchell is.
- GENE: Mitchell was
a friend of mine, but I
stopped hanging out with him
because he was so annoying.
Of all the More Stores in all the world,
he had to walk into this one.
- I can't let him see me.
- Okay.
Keep the drums warm for me,
Mr. Electronics Department Attendant.
- Uh-huh.
- Just go back to work real natural,
like you never saw me.
Aah! Be cool, be cool. (GRUNTING)
- Gene, hey, Gene!
- Mom, shh!
Sorry. I like the football helmet.
Is that 'cause you're
always bumping your head?
No, that kid Mitchell is
here and I'm hiding from him.
Oh, I get it. One time I
was at the farmer's market
and I saw this mom from
school that I didn't like
and I carried a big pineapple
in front of my face for an hour.
Ugh, I'd kill for a pineapple right now.
Anyway, Gene, you know how
our sewing machine broke
and now when I sew holes in your pants,
it's all raggedy and it looks
like you're a little orphan boy?
Uh-oh, he's coming this way.
Knock him down if you can. Goodbye.
Wait, Gene, scallop stitch.
Ooh, Tina look at this
assortment of colorful paper clips.
Aren't you always paper
clipping stuff together?
Oh, and here's something
I'm just noticing.
It's only ten dollars. Huh.
I guess you'd have some money
left over, and you could
I don't know give
to me? Your baby sister,
who loves you and loves how
much you love paper clips.
Louise, I know you only want
me to get something cheaper
'cause you want the archery set.
Tina, how dare you. I
want you to be happy.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Ooh, a set of gel pens.
Look at all these colors.
- 19.95.
- Dang it.
(GRUNTS) Oh, I think they're broken.
I mean, they're pens,
so I think they're okay.
But if they are broken, I
think we have to buy them.
They're not broken. They're
fine. Putting them back.
- And you hate them.
- (GENE GRUNTING)
Now I feel like we're
not shopping right.
- Gene?
- Aah! Shh.
- Get down.
- No?
Then hide. Mitchell is here.
- What?
- Mitchell. He's here.
Oh, whoa. You were
just talking about him
- in the parking lot.
- I know.
I think it's like one of those
things where if you say his name
three times, he
appears, like Beetlejuice
or diarrhea. All I want to do
is play the electronic drums,
which are the drums of the
future, but instead I have
to hide from the most
annoying boy in the world.
Why did you think he was annoying again?
He was just so much, all of the time.
And it was like, "Does everyone
have to pay attention to you
- every second of the day?"
- Ooh, glow-in-the-dark puff paint.
Tina, this is about me right now.
- Me, me, me.
- Sorry.
Oh, no, there he is. Let's go.
(GRUNTING)
- Uh
- Never mind.
(GRUNTING) Come on.
- Okay.
- I guess we're part of this now?
A beanie hat with a headlamp.
Don't mind if I do.
It's getting dark.
We won't be able to see.
Oh, yes, we will.
ALL: Wow!
- TINA: You saved our family.
- BOB: Yeah.
- LINDA: I love you, Bob.
- BOB: You should.
LINDA: Wear that to bed tonight.
Bob.
- Bob.
- Oh. Hi.
Nice beanie. Hey, listen.
I know we're only
supposed to spend 20 bucks,
but I was thinking, what
if we pooled our money
and spent it all on one really
great thing for the family?
You know, something that
everyone would really love.
- Uh, like what?
- (SINGS FANFARE)
- A sewing machine!
- A sewing machine?
Well, not just a sewing machine.
The Seam Dream 3000 Stitchinator.
And it's on sale. Bob,
it's like the Michael Jordan
of sewing machines. He was
really good at something, right?
Yeah, he was. But you think
the kids are gonna go for that?
Well, not when you say it like that.
I mean, it's just, they might want toys.
- Or anything else.
- Okay, well, you're mean.
But are you on board
with the sewing machine
if I can convince everyone else?
- Forget I said you were mean.
- Uh yeah, sure.
But I'll just keep looking around.
You know, just in case the kids
want fun things that they like.
Shush, shush. Thank
you for your support.
Okay, I'm gonna go find the girls.
Gene'll do it if they do it.
My little follower.
Oh. That's disappointing.
LOUISE: So, are we gonna stay in here
until the store closes?
Maybe just till I'm 18 and
Mitchell goes off to college?
- MAN: Come on, Mitchell. Time to go.
- Okay, Dad.
Thank God. He's leaving.
Can we go out now? I
only have about 15 minutes
to cover the rest of the store.
I got to chop-chop on the shop-shop.
No, no, no, no. You don't. Because
found your winner right here.
And it's a steal at $13.95.
An adult male's
extra-large bathing suit?
Ooh, it's got a fly for wieners.
Okay, so I'm gonna go now
and maybe check out the jigsaw puzzles.
Gene, you want to get
into some puzzle trouble?
No, thanks. Now that the coast is clear,
I have a date with an
electronic drum set.
And I'll probably get
discovered while I'm playing it
and get a record deal,
if they still have those.
Come with me. We can't afford to buy it,
but you owe it to yourself
to see me playing it.
Okay. I think games and
puzzles is that way anyway.
Sure. Puzzles. Or ChapStick.
A really nice ChapStick?
Like, really nice.
Okay, get ready for it, people.
We have, like, 13 minutes
left before we have to leave,
and I need you to tell me
if I'm a prodigy or a natural
or just a sweet little drummer boy.
- Mitchell!
- Gene!
- I thought you left.
- What?
I mean, uh, good to
see you. How are you?
-Good.
-I'm also well. Thank you for asking.
You remember my sisters.
- This one and that one.
- Yeah. Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
So, are you a frequent
patron of the More Store?
I come with my dad sometimes.
He came to get light bulbs,
but then he got a tent,
but then he forgot light bulbs.
Gotcha. Um, were you
about to play these?
I mean, I was gonna. Were you?
I guess. Kinda. Yeah.
Do you wanna both play?
- Oh, boy.
- (WHISPERS): Don't do it.
(QUIETLY): I don't know what
happened. It just came out.
Okay
Little cramped on this
one stool. It's fine.
Wow. It's the world's
most uncomfortable duet.
- More like don't-et.
- Yup.
(PLAYING HALTINGLY)
This is painful to watch. And listen to.
Should we take the
sticks out of their hands?
Or pull the fire alarm or something?
This is fun.
- Yup.
- I'm very glad we're doing this together.
- Uh-huh.
- What happens if I turn this?
- (SYNTHESIZED SOUNDS)
- Pretty cool.
Yup. Liking that. That's working for me.
Hel-lo!
(SCATTING)
(MITCHELL SCATTING)
- Yes! (SCATTING)
- (SCATTING)
Huh. They seem to be
enjoying themselves, somehow?
But we don't have to
still be here, right?
Let's say no. Gene, we're going
- away now.
- Goodbye.
Can you believe we've never
played one of these things?
Mitchell, you've never played
one of these things, have you?
Nope, first time.
How are we so good at this?
I'm not surprised. (SCATTING)
Hmm. (SCATTING)
Oh, yeah? (SCATTING)
Okay. (SCATTING LOUDLY)
(TRILLING, BEATBOXING)
(BEATBOXING)
Ugh, what is all that noise?
Somebody should do something
about that. It's awful.
Oh, good, the girls.
Don't mess this up, Linda.
- I won't.
- Just let me do the talking.
I will handle it. Geez.
- (DRUMMING, BEATBOXING CONTINUES)
- God, what is that?
Oh. It's Gene.
Sorry. That-That's my son.
He-He's a-a free spirit.
Please don't kick us out of the store.
Oh. I don't care enough to do that.
Um, also, do you think
these look good on me?
I-I don't know how to
tell when things look good.
It-It's so rare.
Kind of makes me look like
a fighter pilot, right?
- Um
- I mean, not active duty,
but maybe one who might get
called back for one last mission?
- Sure.
- Or if they need me
to fly over a really
important sports game,
- like a championship?
- Um
I think my boss is calling me.
Oh. Right. Yeah. Me too.
Uh, I'm gonna put these back.
I don't really go out in the sun much.
Just think of all the wacky outfits
I can sew for you kids with him.
- Him?
- Yeah. He's a boy.
Sewing machines can be boys.
Wait, don't you still use the
sewing machine you already have?
Yeah, but it's all messed-up.
I never know if I'm gonna
come out alive with that thing.
- I think it's haunted.
- Sorry, Mom, but it's a little weird
to try to make us give up our $20
so that you can get your thing.
Now, Tina, what about
this coloring book?
Ooh, Trucks & Tractors? Only $6.99?
No, Louise. Cut it out.
I'm not giving you any
of my gift card money.
Oh, and drapes. I've
always wanted to sew drapes.
Don't kids love drapes?
No. No to both of you. Ugh!
This gift card is tearing us apart!
- You blew it, Linda.
- I'm not finished.
Did I mention there was a
jam-resistant drop-in top bobbin?
- Yeah, a couple times.
- Mm-hmm.
TINA: Hello. English Rose Garden Puzzle?
isn't the finest English garden
in all of England-land.
Tra-la-la, tra-la-la, tra-la-la! ♪
Tra-la-la to you, my
feathery garden chums.
Oh. Here we go.
Cheerio!
Pip-pip.
- (SCATTING)
- (PLAYING ERRATICALLY)
- Mitchell!
- What?!
I keep trying to play
the same beat as you,
- but you keep changing it.
- No, I don't. You keep changing it.
- Fine, I'll just play louder.
- Then I'll play louder-er.
Mitchell, you're abusing the
electronic drum set technology!
You are. You should definitely
stop whatever you're doing.
- You stop! - You stop!
- (DRUMS POWER OFF)
- Does that help?
- Ugh, I can't do this anymore!
You're so annoying!
This is exactly why I
stopped hanging out with you.
Wait, what? I stopped
hanging out with you.
- Because you're annoying.
- Uh, no.
I stopped calling you.
- I beg to differ.
- Don't do the thing
where you hear someone stopped
wanting to hang out with you
so you pretend that you
were the one who wanted
to stop hanging out with them.
What? You're doing that to me right now.
I left a perfectly good
slide whistle at your house
because I was avoiding you!
Like you even know how
to handle a slide whistle.
(GASPS) How dare you!
I'm leaving and I don't
ever want to see you again.
I already didn't want to see
you again before I saw you here
and tried not to let you see me.
And, also, I'm leaving first! (GRUNTING)
Easy, easy.
Damn it, what is going
on with these cords?!
Hey, Gene. I guess we're
still waiting on your sisters
- and your dad. Aw, what's wrong, honey?
- Mm.
Mitchell said he stopped
hanging out with me
because I was the annoying one.
- What?
- Yes! Can you believe it?
Why would anyone ever want
to stop hanging out with you,
- my sweet little angel?
- Thank you, Mother.
But I'm worried you're biased.
You seem to have, like,
- a thing about me.
- BOB: Hey.
- Socks?
- Yeah, socks.
That's what I got,
too. But mine are blue.
So you didn't get the kids on
board for the sewing machine?
No. It was a dumb idea anyway.
I can keep using the one we have now.
So what if everything
comes out of it wavy
with the weird scary stitching
like a psychopath did it.
Hey, girls. What'd you pick out?
Well, I'm getting this archery set,
and I think Tina's really interested
in these playing cards.
Sorry, kid. This lass
is about to get lost
in this English garden.
Trellis? Hell yes.
Monster. Gene, buddy, empty-handed?
Want to gift me five
dollars of your card money?
I'll let you let me shoot
an apple off your head
- with my new archery set.
- No, sorry.
I got something. It's $18.95.
(LOUD BEEPING)
- Okay. - Okay.
- Oh, great.
That's gonna be fun to
listen to all the time.
I know, right? Oh, there he is.
I can't believe he thinks
I'm the annoying one
when he is clearly the annoying one.
He's loud. He can't really play
music, if we're being honest.
And he has absolutely no
idea that everything he does
- is extremely aggravating
- (LOUD BEEPING)
Oh, my God. He's me.
ALL: No
- We're exactly the same.
- No. - No.
- No.
- Not that much.
Yes, we are!
Gene, you're way less annoying than him.
A little less. A little
- way less.
- And we love you.
Not just 'cause you're
our brother and we have to.
Sorry, that makes it
sound like we do have to.
- Um, but yeah.
- Gene, you're not annoying.
But I am remembering Mitchell now,
and he is a handful.
I mean, he was. I'm-I'm
sure he's matured.
Hmm. Maybe not.
Well, I never thought
Mitchell was annoying.
He was such a ball of energy.
Lot of life in that kid.
Maybe you two burn so bright,
there just isn't room
for you both in one place.
Yeah, it's like, um, this puzzle.
Two pieces that are similar
can't go right next to each other.
They have to go far apart
in order for it to all work,
and Oh, my God, this
is a great rose garden.
Look at the birdbath on this thing.
It's so freakin' quaint!
Oh, boy. He's looking over here.
(SIGHS) I guess I'll go say something.
- Oh. Really?
- Cover me.
All right. Uh, go serpentine.
I was joking. You're really doing it.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I'm sorry we fought.
I don't really think you're
annoying that much.
Same. You're just a little bit.
Hm. We did have some
good times, didn't we?
- I guess.
- And we were both amazing at the drums.
When I rock, I rock hard.
Maybe we're just both so amazing
at drums and slide whistle
that it's too much if we play together.
- Eh, probably.
- So we'll just play drums
- and slide whistle in, uh
- (LOUD BEEPING)
separate houses and, uh, places.
- (BEEPING CONTINUES)
- Forever. But we'll always fondly remember
the times that we Aah!
Mitchell, will you cut
that out for one second?!
- What?
- (CLEARS THROAT) Goodbye, Mitchell.
- Bye.
- I'm gonna serpentine
back to my family now.
- How'd it go?
- Good, I guess. I think
we decided that we definitely
shouldn't be friends at all.
But I feel like we talked about
it like grown-up 11-year-olds.
I'm proud of you, Gene.
You went over there and
talked to him to make peace.
That shows a lot of character.
I want to be like that.
Thanks. Maybe you can call his dad
and arrange to pick up my slide whistle?
No. I-I don't see that happening.
Mom, Dad, if you're
both just getting socks,
does that mean there might be an
extra five bucks kicking around
that we could apply towards this?
The thing that dreams are made of?
- (SIGHS DEEPLY)
- Sorry, Lin.
You really wanted that
sewing machine, huh?
It's just, all the dresses and pants
I could've hemmed for dances.
All the costumes I
could've made for Halloween.
All the little outfits I could've made
for Gene's toothbrush.
Remember when we used to make outfits
for Gene's toothbrush
to get him to brush?
I was even thinking I could sew
somebody's wedding dress someday.
- I can't wait.
- Wow, Mom.
I love sewing stuff for you kids.
I want to do it forever.
I love making your crazy
little dreams come true.
Okay. I'm on board
with the sewing machine.
- What? Really?
- (SIGHS)
All right. I'm in, too.
I guess someone else
can tend this garden.
- Lucky bastard.
- Yeah, me too.
I-I don't even like these socks.
- Who gets new socks?
- But archery set.
That's for the whole
family, too. (SIGHS)
Okay, fine. Get the dang sewing machine.
But someone is buying this
thing for me for my birthday
or I'm hopping the next
train to Bow and Arrow Island.
Yay! I'll go get the Stitchinator!
You're gonna love him.
I'm coming, Stitchinator! I'm coming!
- (LOUD CRASH)
- Ooh! Sorry!
Ow, ow, ow.
- She ran right into that cart.
- What's in there?
It's like she ran into a wall.
- Kettlebells.
- Look at her limpin' away.
That's how you shop.
(VOCALIZING)