QI (2003) s14e01 Episode Script
Naming Names
1 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to QI, where this week the name of the game is Naming Names.
There's an old Chinese proverb that says, "The beginning of wisdom is to call things by their right names.
" So let's get off on the right foot by naming my guests.
A household name - Romesh Ranganathan.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE A rose by any other name - Cariad Lloyd.
Ahh! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE A name to conjure with - Phill Jupitus.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And old what's-his-name - Alan Davies! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So, this week, their buzzers are their porn names, OK? So that's If you've not played that game, it's the first pet's name and mother's maiden name.
So Phill goes BASS RIFF GRAVELLY MALE VOICE: 'Hi, it's Schroeder Swan.
' That's quite sexy.
Very sexy.
I don't know how much you paid that bloke, but I'd have done that for nothing.
And more convincingly.
Well That sounded like you found an asthmatic tramp on the South Bank out there.
Cariad goes BASS RIFF SULTRY FEMALE VOICE: 'Hello.
I'm Snuffy.
'Snuffy Storey.
' And It does, though, mean you can now You can access my bank account, I think.
That is a very, very specific kind of porn right there.
Mm-hm.
Yeah.
Romesh goes BASS RIFF REEDY VOICE: 'Oh, hello.
It's Goldie Silveragi.
' CARIAD: Why didn't you get a sexy voice? Why've I been given that one? It's quite camp.
And Alan goes MUSIC: You're the First, the Last, My Everything by Barry White NORTHERN VOICE: 'Ey up, it's Nobby Stiles!' LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I have to say, Nobby Stiles is a very good porn name, isn't it? It suggests a certain It's very farming-specific, isn't it? I'm not really good with my hands but "Nobby" Stiles! Now, here's my first, very simple question.
Who is offended by what? Oh, God, everybody by everything.
Yes, well, there is that.
Anybody who reads a tweet and doesn't understand it immediately is offended by it.
Yeah.
Do you tweet? I do tweet.
Yeah, I do.
Right.
But I'm often scared to tweet about anything that's, you know controversial.
What do you do? Just the colour beige, or? No, just like Emojis and, like, GIFs of Japanese girls cutting hairs with crab hands.
Right.
ROMESH: Well, that's The problem is with Twitter, even if you choose something, like, that you think is really innocent and can't be offensive, it can be.
You tweet about porridge and somebody goes, "Well, actually, I had a porridge-related incident "many years ago and actually I find it highly offensive.
"I can't believe you'd even not bother to consider the feelings "of people that had Ready Brek-related incidents "in their childhood.
" Is that, then, @ThreeBears? Is that the sort of? Yeah.
APPLAUSE It's not Twitter-related, so it's more to do with who.
"Who is offended by what?" Yes.
UmDoctor offended by Daleks.
Er, doctor is the right area.
But not Doctor Who.
Oh.
It is to do with doctors.
Generally medical practitioners? It is a large organisation.
Think of it as an acronym.
World Health Organization.
The World Health Organization.
Absolutely right.
They are worried that scientists are naming diseases that offend people and that, indeed, we've done this too much in the past.
So, for example, Spanish flu would be a good example.
It affects people in Spain, possibly, and tourism.
People might think, if you go to Spain, you'll get Spanish flu.
Legionnaires' disease.
There's not a legionnaire in the world not been distressed by the thought.
Oh, I know one, Essex wind.
It's awful, innit, Phill? Terrible.
It blows right up your Thames corridor.
Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease, which I imagine I don't know who that would offend.
People called Creutzfeldt? Jakob Creutzfeldt, I would imagine, very offended.
Swine flu, apparently.
Very offensive to people who work with, I don't know, pigs.
Mrs Swine.
Mrs Swine? Mrs Swine is upset about it.
The kind of idea is you're trying to minimise unnecessary distress.
So, for example, if you call something sudden death syndrome, that's just too frightening.
Hold on a sec.
If you're about to die imminently, you can't just say something cuddly so they're not offended.
No.
If they're going to die in the next 20 minutes, you can't just go, "You've just got the chills" Yeah.
.
.
because you don't want them to be upset.
No, but here's the thing, doctors have certain acronyms, and I love these.
There's SBI, which is "something bad inside".
And it means the doctor knows there's something wrong, not entirely sure what it is.
SVBI - "something VERY bad inside".
Again, don't know what it is, but it'll definitely kill you.
Which I like.
There's loads for fat people.
There's CBT, which is "chronic biscuit toxicity".
The other best one for fat people is BW.
"Beached whale".
AUDIENCE GROANS And my favourite acronym, PRATFO.
"Patient reassured and told to F off".
APPLAUSE There used to be loads of occupational diseases.
Certain diseases that were entirely Miners' cough.
Yeah, miners' lung.
Joggers' nipple.
Joggers' nipple, yes.
The very first one ever was chimney-sweep's scrotum.
What?! Yep.
Chimney-sweep's scrotum.
What? Well, he should put the fire out! LAUGHING: Bagpiper's fungus! Bagpiper's fungus! Bagpiper's fungus is a terrible thing.
It's apparently if you don't clean the bagpipes, you can get a sort of horrible microbe.
Imagine getting a fungus from an instrument that makes that noise.
Do you know what I mean? Sounds like it's trying to kill you anyway, doesn't it? I've seen all these things listed outside a flat in Amsterdam.
Is chimney-sweep's scrotum because once they're up there and if you poke the sweep up? I'm just guessing.
Poor Dick Van Dyke.
AS DICK VAN DYKE: "Oh, Mary Poppins, "me scrotum's playing me up something rotten.
"Step in time! "ARRRRGH!" That was the subplot they never managed in the film.
A spoonful of That's why they're all doing that! That's why they're all doing that! APPLAUSE Do you think he was in too much pain to do the accent properly? So, anyway.
Can you tell me what this bird's name is? Is it a wagtail? It is not a wag What I really want is I want its actual name.
Is it Phillip, Jeremy, Mabel? Well, to assist you, you have some bird whistles beside you.
Ooh! Yeah.
See if you can come up with the actual name.
HE PLAYS A TRILL Oh.
That's better than mine.
SHE PLAYS LIKE A CLANGER Oh, here we go.
".
.
said Tiny Clanger.
" Oh, you've got lots of different ones.
CARIAD CONTINUES PLAYING ALAN PUFFS HE LAUGHS The famous calling sound of a goose with asthma.
THEY PLAY A CLANGER CONVERSATION What is going on? What are you doing? It's just my ears popped.
HONKING CALL Is that a duck call? It's supposed to be a duck.
A duck call.
Sounds like a HALF-HONK AND PUFFING Try the littlie.
HONKING CALL Hang on! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Well THEY ALL PLAY AT ONCE .
.
it could be any one of these tunes.
Here is the extraordinary thing.
This bird is called - and this is such a lovely name - it's called a superb fairy-wren.
Ah! Isn't that the sweetest thing? And every single nest has a family name.
So it's like it has a surname, and the surname is given to the mother when the kids are all in the eggs and what she does is she lays the eggs and she waits for nine days and then she sits by the eggs and she starts singing a unique tune.
So it might be GASPING TWEETS .
.
better than that.
What beautiful song does she sing, Sandi? UPBEAT TWITTERING THEY ALL PLAY AT ONCE Can I? CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Basically, she sings the same tune every four minutes, over and over, for a week.
Now, I would imagine this drives the chicks in the eggs completely barmy.
My daughter does that with Let It Go.
Oh, I hate that song.
I can't be doing with it.
I didn't used to but, holy smokes, it's a test.
Anyway, what happens is the chicks in the egg, they actually hear it and they commit it to memory, and Mum and Dad and eggs, they all know the tune.
It's a unique tune.
Waterloo I don't think there are lyrics.
What happens is she goes away and gets food, when she returns to the nest, she sings this particular tune that they all know and they have to sing it back to her and that way she can be absolutely sure there isn't a cuckoo in the nest.
So, they have, as it were, a surname just for that nest.
That is amazing.
That really is amazing.
But if they were people Yeah.
.
.
how annoying would they be to have round for dinner? Unbelievably irritating.
"Andrew, shall we do our song? "We all know this song, we've sung it from when we were children.
"Let's do it, shall we?" They're not even real, and I'm going to leave! I knew a family that did that.
They had a whistle and in the supermarket, the mum would do a certain whistle and the kid would whistle back.
No, darling, that's the Von Trapps.
That's a film.
They did, they had a whistle in the supermarket in case they got lost.
My mum would summon me home by whistling.
Seriously? Yeah.
She taught me how to do it with the two fingers.
HE WHISTLES LOUDLY Wow.
Now, I could hear that, er three miles away.
So me and me brother would be playing with mates and we'd be out all day and then, at tea-time, my mum would go out the back door and go HE WHISTLES LOUDLY And then we would Wow.
That is a seriously good whistle.
We would come back.
One time, do you remember, we were in Manchester Oh, yeah, yeah.
.
.
and I had to get a train Yeah.
.
.
and a taxi went by and I went, "TAXI!" like that, and he ignored me and it went about 50 yards and he did that and it braked.
PHILL IMITATES SQUEALING BRAKES And he did a U-turn and came back.
ROMESH: Oh, was the taxi driver your mum? APPLAUSE Here is the thing about the birds which is extraordinary, it isn't just birds who do this.
Horses also do this.
They have a signature whinny.
Wow.
Serious.
Has the picture budget been slashed? Yeah.
Why? That's from Horses And Orthodontistry.
I'm so allergic to horses that I just sneezed at the sight of that picture.
Seriously? I don't think it's an allergy.
That photo is terrifying.
He's going, "WHERE ARE MY EYES?! WHERE ARE MY EYES? "THE CROWS HAVE GOT MY EYES! "AAAAARRRRGH!" That's the mother horse going, "WHERE ARE YOU?! COME HOME!" "KIDS, BRING MY EYES BACK!" That overbite reminds me of my games teacher at school.
So, here's the thing.
Horses have signature whinnies.
So, say, for example, you have a horse - shall we call it Alan? - in a stall, and another horse called Shergar walks by and goes out of sight behind a barrier.
Alan notices that and You're being Alan the horse? .
.
goes back to eating.
If, when Shergar is behind the barrier, scientists play his identifying whinny, Alan won't really pay any attention.
If they play the identifying whinny of a different horse, Alan gets really freaked out because he knows that the horse he saw walk past wasn't the one that he's just heard.
This is on the list of things scientists can be arsed to do.
Now, who sold seashells on the seashore? Is it someone who's got no idea of the laws of sort of supply and demand? APPLAUSE Interestingly, there were plenty of seashells, and lots of people who wanted to buy them.
So who? The answer is "she", isn't it? KLAXON Yay! Er, well, it is in the rhyme.
Can you do the rhyme? Do you know the rhyme? She No, I can't, because I've got a lisp.
Ah! What a fantastically mean thing to do to you.
Make him do it, Sandi! Make him do it! She sells seashells on the seashore.
Mm-hm.
And though she goes home again.
I don't know the second bit.
The shells she sells are seashells, I'm sure For if she sells seashells on the seashore Then I'm sure she sells seashore shells.
Wow.
Is the full rhyme.
AUDIENCE OOHS Thank you very much.
Oh, yes.
APPLAUSE Oh, yes.
That is not I know, I know! That is the first time I've heard that typical British reaction to a tongue twister.
And it is "Ooooh!" That's what we think of articulate people.
"Ooooh!" I didn't know we had that in our make-up.
So "she", but who was "she"? The woman who sold seashells? Was she a Cockney woman who some white Victorian man made up a nice rhyme about, but actually, she was probably a prostitute who died of syphilis? Well That turned Dickens really quickly.
That was I wonder why they didn't include that bit in the rhyme.
".
.
and then she got syphilis.
" It's like those nursery rhymes What a dark place your head is, Cariad.
It was an actual woman, she worked in Lyme Regis.
It was the Dorset lady.
She's a killer! Look at the weapon! There she is.
She found the first dinosaur in the UK, didn't she? The first whole? She was the inspiration for the tongue twister.
She's a Victorian fossil hunter called Mary Anning.
Mary Anning.
Oh, she's the fossil hunter - she's all over the Natural History Museum.
Yeah.
All over the Natural History Museum, and she's incredible.
She was very brave, because it's very dangerous.
That is a picture of her with her dog, Tray.
She's about to kill it and put it in that bag.
Well I can't tell if the dog is already "And now I shall make a fossil!" Bang! Bang! "Finish your painting, please, before the dog wakes up.
" I don't know if the picture shows the dog already dead.
It died in a landslide, and she was very fond of it.
In a landslide caused by? Well, it is I don't know if you She found HUGE fossils.
Yeah.
She is really an extraordinary woman.
And her findings absolutely made important changes in scientific thinking because, up until the 1820s, lots of people didn't believe extinctions could happen, cos it would imply that God's creations were less than perfect.
But she, in fact, discovered the very first ichthyosaur skeleton correctly identified, the first two plesiosaur skeletons and the first pterosaur skeleton outside Germany.
She also found I'm going to give you some examples.
She found these, and she is the very first person who worked out what they are.
So I'm going to pass you one there for you to share.
Do you know what that is? Oh.
This is ?9.
50 in a Cornwall gift shop.
Is this dinosaur shit? It is.
It is absolutely that.
OK.
Now I feel weird.
These have been tumbled to prove you can, in fact, polish a turd.
But, um That's amazing.
People thought they were bezoars, so stomach stones, something from the inside of the stomach, but what she did, she cracked one open and she discovered PHILL LAUGHS Oh, God! It's science, it's science! She discovered fish scales and teeth, and she's the first person who realised that, in fact, coprolites - which is the correct term for them - is in fact dinosaur poo.
Isn't that extraordinary? To have a dinosaur's bit of poo in your hands, I think it's incredible.
I feel a bit sorry for her, that, you know, she's done all these amazing things and when they decide to come up with a rhyme about her they made up one about she used to knock out seashells.
Well, here's the thing.
That's how she made a living.
She was very poor.
Her father was a cabinet-maker, he died when she was 11.
And so she had to make a living.
And actually, people selling fossils has been a big thing on the Lyme Regis coast She did start finding them when she was 12 or 13, didn't she? Yeah.
She could sell them to tourists.
It was one of the very first So your ?9.
50 for a coprolite is probably about right.
She really sort of pains me slightly, because she sold things to men who then wrote scientific articles about them, and she didn't get the credit.
She wasn't allowed to join, for example, the Geological Society of London.
They didn't admit women until 1904.
She didn't get full credit until, 163 years after her death, the Royal Society included Anning in a list of the ten British women who have most influenced the history of science.
Was she not allowed to join the society because she was a woman? Or because she killed that dog? I think the dog didn't help, if I'm honest with you.
Right, time for a look in Mother Toksvig's Bumper Book Of Neological Novelties, I think.
Here are some new names for things.
But can you tell me what any of them are? Adorkable? Adorkable.
Do you know what it is? Is that when somebody's, like, really into comic books, but it's quite cute? It's manic pixie dream girl syndrome.
Adorably dorkish, so socially inept but charming with it.
Are these? These are new words that have recently What's happening here? They're what's known as neologisms, so they are new terms that have entered the language.
Oh, I see.
Al desco is having your lunch Having your lunch at your desk.
Yeah.
A belfie, I can't remember what a belfie is.
A belfie is where you take a selfie, but you have a bell.
Really? No, it is a selfie, but what of? What part of you is a belfie? Oh, my God! Yes.
- Oh! - Really? Your bell end? It's APPLAUSE I thought that was a dick pic.
It's your bottom.
Oh, your bottom? Yes, it's a picture of your That's a bumfie! A bumfie? How is "belfie" bum? I don't Darling, I didn't write them.
I'm just telling you.
These are all examples that have been included in the OED in recent years.
The OED have got to stop adding now.
Stop adding.
Those are just It's like the OED has been taken over by a 14-year-old boy who's bored.
BREAKING VOICE: "Yeah, we'll put 'em all in! Ha-ha! "And I'll make up 12.
" I like that one, stoor-sooker.
What is that? Is that Scottish? Yes.
It's to do with sucking.
It's to do with sucking.
Really? Oh, it's something nasty again.
I think I'll lead the quiz now.
No, no, it's fine.
It's a Scottish neologism for a vacuum cleaner.
It's a stair-sucker, a stoor-sooker.
PHILL LAUGHS Oh, right.
What's honkenbonkers? Honkenbonkers, it just means amazing.
Is that the one you were thinking, "That's the one I might take from this"? Yeah.
"What am I just going to throw into casual conversation?" The good thing about any of these words, is if I hear someone using them, I can beat them to death with the OED, which is quite a hefty book.
Wabsteid is another Scottish one for website.
What's cauldpress? Cauldpress is a Scottish neologism for a fridge.
These are just Scottish words! Does anybody know where the word "quiz" comes from? As we're doing a kind of quiz.
I feel like I do know, but I can't remember.
- I feel like that.
- Do we get a point for that? Alan can have a point for that, I'm fine with that, yeah.
So when you say it, I'm going to go "Oh, yeah" You watch.
Watch, watch.
OK.
We don't really know.
Oh Oh! So it used to mean a sort of eccentric person.
How it has come to mean asking people questions for points, we don't really know.
There's a story that Richard Daley, who was a proprietor, a theatre proprietor in Dublin in 1791, made a bet that, within 48 hours, he could get a word into common parlance.
And he distributed the word "quiz" to be put up on walls all over Dublin, and it became part of the language.
So really, when they say the police are quizzing the suspect, that's wrong, isn't it? No, that's from inquisitive.
And inquisition.
So that's a separate You've got it, you're in the right chair.
I had a little cold feeling then! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Right, OK.
A new word is created in English every 98 minutes or so.
Now, would you rather be in a non-routine operation or a mass deposition event? Well, I don't like the sound of a non-routine operation.
I'd prefer a non-routine operation.
Do you? I just think, if it's routine It's a better story.
Well, if it's routine, the person's more likely to be a bit blase about it if you've done it loads of times.
Where, if it's non-routine, he'll think, "I probably should stay awake while I'm doing this.
" If it's non-routine, they're going to have the book open.
Exactly.
Like they're doing it for the first time.
I imagine it being like a chef.
If it's routine, they'll go, "Just for a game, I'm going to do it with my blindfold on.
" I can tell you that the non-routine operation is a phrase used by Trans-Florida Airlines.
OK.
Crash landing? It is.
It is their word for a plane crash.
Oh-ho! "Notice to passengers" Must be in the lead! ".
.
in case of a non-routine operation, "we'd like you to be familiar with the location of the airplane exits.
" You'd hope they'd call that non-routine, wouldn't you? Yeah.
What a damning indictment of the airline if they don't.
Can I show you my favourite airport sign? Cos you know you never get proper information.
I think this is absolutely fantastic.
There we go.
It kind of says everything, doesn't it? It's fair enough.
Loses something in translation.
It's honest.
It's absolutely fine.
The other thing is, a mass deposition event is, in fact, a huge pile of poo.
In fact, it's a rather specific pile of poo.
It's a euphemistic term given by archaeologists to the discovery of a thick layer of horse dung at a site called the Col de la Traversette, and it's believed to be associated with Hannibal's crossing of the Alps into Italy in 218 BC.
I love this.
The team analysing the poo, OK, are hoping to find signs of elephant droppings.
Here's a quote from one of the team.
"There's even the possibility of finding an elephant tapeworm egg.
"This would really be the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
" And so we reach that round that dare not speak its name.
Fingers on buzzers, please, for General Ignorance.
Name the cause of the first mass extinction? Oh, now this is a trick one, because you're trying to get us to do the dinosaur one, but there was one before that, wasn't there? After 14 years, he understands the format! APPLAUSE Is it ice? Ice? It is not ice, no.
CARIAD: Baby! Very good.
They had a problem, but they didn't solve it.
There was a massive extinction.
It's sea anemone greed and, really, the invention of the mouth.
So what happens is So many problems come when we invent the mouth! These are ediacarans, and ediacarans are the very first complex life forms on earth.
And they hung around on the sea floor for about 37 million years.
They didn't have a mouth, they didn't have an anus.
They just lived through osmosis.
They got along fine! They were just fine.
And then, what happens is, the Cambrian explosion, so that's - give or take a Tuesday - about 542 million years ago.
You suddenly get life forms suddenly rocketing cos there's more oxygen around, and you get sea anemone-like creatures, they have a mouth.
And do you know what they did? They ate them.
They ate them.
Absolutely right.
They ate the lot of them.
And the terrible, tragic thing was that they couldn't tell each other what was happening.
Oh, don't! That's so sad! Yeah.
No mouth.
Just lying there being eaten and not being able to Or warn each other.
I've had boyfriends like that, and I understand how they feel.
Nothing you can do.
Just let them get on with it.
It's been a learning experience being with you, Cariad.
That's why I'm adorkable! I thought for a moment you meant you'd had boyfriends with no mouth or anus.
It felt like that, Alan.
They can't cry for help.
No.
Can't speak.
Now, name a self-confessed Nazi.
Self-confessed? Um All those guys.
They're like, "Me! It's me!" They didn't call themselves Nazis, did they? Absolutely right.
There are none.
Because they didn't call themselves Nazis.
You are just doing brilliantly.
Absolutely right.
APPLAUSE All this time, all this time you've been intimidated to say what you know.
Now you can just speak.
It's lovely, Alan.
No, indeed.
Hang on, I'll throw him off his game.
AS STEPHEN FRY: Maa! Maa! I like that Churchill called them "Nazzies".
"Nazzies", yeah.
And he referred to the Gestapo as the "Jester-po".
That's very good.
You are absolutely right.
No self-respecting Nazi ever called themselves a Nazi.
It was the German exiles who called them that.
So our panellists emerge at the scores, but let's see who has made a name for themselves, and who has a black mark next to theirs.
In fourth place, with a magnificent -2, it is Phill! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yes! In third place, with 4 points, it's Romesh! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, I don't know if you're going to be able to guess who wins if I tell you who's in second place.
With 5 points, it's Cariad.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Alan! Oh, my God! And the winner is Alan, with 7.
EXCITED CHEERING AND APPLAUSE It only remains for me to thank I'm going to be UNBEARABLE! SANDI LAUGHS I shall bear with it.
It only remains for me to thank Cariad, Phill, Romesh and Alan.
Finally, let me leave you with this Neolithic newspaper nugget from the Johannesburg Star.
The Sunday morning quiet of the city centre was shattered when a man went berserk in Plain Street.
He smashed about 4,000 rands' worth of shop windows before being shot in the thigh by a passing churchgoer.
Goodnight.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Marlon James has been labelled a troublemaker
There's an old Chinese proverb that says, "The beginning of wisdom is to call things by their right names.
" So let's get off on the right foot by naming my guests.
A household name - Romesh Ranganathan.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE A rose by any other name - Cariad Lloyd.
Ahh! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE A name to conjure with - Phill Jupitus.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And old what's-his-name - Alan Davies! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So, this week, their buzzers are their porn names, OK? So that's If you've not played that game, it's the first pet's name and mother's maiden name.
So Phill goes BASS RIFF GRAVELLY MALE VOICE: 'Hi, it's Schroeder Swan.
' That's quite sexy.
Very sexy.
I don't know how much you paid that bloke, but I'd have done that for nothing.
And more convincingly.
Well That sounded like you found an asthmatic tramp on the South Bank out there.
Cariad goes BASS RIFF SULTRY FEMALE VOICE: 'Hello.
I'm Snuffy.
'Snuffy Storey.
' And It does, though, mean you can now You can access my bank account, I think.
That is a very, very specific kind of porn right there.
Mm-hm.
Yeah.
Romesh goes BASS RIFF REEDY VOICE: 'Oh, hello.
It's Goldie Silveragi.
' CARIAD: Why didn't you get a sexy voice? Why've I been given that one? It's quite camp.
And Alan goes MUSIC: You're the First, the Last, My Everything by Barry White NORTHERN VOICE: 'Ey up, it's Nobby Stiles!' LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I have to say, Nobby Stiles is a very good porn name, isn't it? It suggests a certain It's very farming-specific, isn't it? I'm not really good with my hands but "Nobby" Stiles! Now, here's my first, very simple question.
Who is offended by what? Oh, God, everybody by everything.
Yes, well, there is that.
Anybody who reads a tweet and doesn't understand it immediately is offended by it.
Yeah.
Do you tweet? I do tweet.
Yeah, I do.
Right.
But I'm often scared to tweet about anything that's, you know controversial.
What do you do? Just the colour beige, or? No, just like Emojis and, like, GIFs of Japanese girls cutting hairs with crab hands.
Right.
ROMESH: Well, that's The problem is with Twitter, even if you choose something, like, that you think is really innocent and can't be offensive, it can be.
You tweet about porridge and somebody goes, "Well, actually, I had a porridge-related incident "many years ago and actually I find it highly offensive.
"I can't believe you'd even not bother to consider the feelings "of people that had Ready Brek-related incidents "in their childhood.
" Is that, then, @ThreeBears? Is that the sort of? Yeah.
APPLAUSE It's not Twitter-related, so it's more to do with who.
"Who is offended by what?" Yes.
UmDoctor offended by Daleks.
Er, doctor is the right area.
But not Doctor Who.
Oh.
It is to do with doctors.
Generally medical practitioners? It is a large organisation.
Think of it as an acronym.
World Health Organization.
The World Health Organization.
Absolutely right.
They are worried that scientists are naming diseases that offend people and that, indeed, we've done this too much in the past.
So, for example, Spanish flu would be a good example.
It affects people in Spain, possibly, and tourism.
People might think, if you go to Spain, you'll get Spanish flu.
Legionnaires' disease.
There's not a legionnaire in the world not been distressed by the thought.
Oh, I know one, Essex wind.
It's awful, innit, Phill? Terrible.
It blows right up your Thames corridor.
Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease, which I imagine I don't know who that would offend.
People called Creutzfeldt? Jakob Creutzfeldt, I would imagine, very offended.
Swine flu, apparently.
Very offensive to people who work with, I don't know, pigs.
Mrs Swine.
Mrs Swine? Mrs Swine is upset about it.
The kind of idea is you're trying to minimise unnecessary distress.
So, for example, if you call something sudden death syndrome, that's just too frightening.
Hold on a sec.
If you're about to die imminently, you can't just say something cuddly so they're not offended.
No.
If they're going to die in the next 20 minutes, you can't just go, "You've just got the chills" Yeah.
.
.
because you don't want them to be upset.
No, but here's the thing, doctors have certain acronyms, and I love these.
There's SBI, which is "something bad inside".
And it means the doctor knows there's something wrong, not entirely sure what it is.
SVBI - "something VERY bad inside".
Again, don't know what it is, but it'll definitely kill you.
Which I like.
There's loads for fat people.
There's CBT, which is "chronic biscuit toxicity".
The other best one for fat people is BW.
"Beached whale".
AUDIENCE GROANS And my favourite acronym, PRATFO.
"Patient reassured and told to F off".
APPLAUSE There used to be loads of occupational diseases.
Certain diseases that were entirely Miners' cough.
Yeah, miners' lung.
Joggers' nipple.
Joggers' nipple, yes.
The very first one ever was chimney-sweep's scrotum.
What?! Yep.
Chimney-sweep's scrotum.
What? Well, he should put the fire out! LAUGHING: Bagpiper's fungus! Bagpiper's fungus! Bagpiper's fungus is a terrible thing.
It's apparently if you don't clean the bagpipes, you can get a sort of horrible microbe.
Imagine getting a fungus from an instrument that makes that noise.
Do you know what I mean? Sounds like it's trying to kill you anyway, doesn't it? I've seen all these things listed outside a flat in Amsterdam.
Is chimney-sweep's scrotum because once they're up there and if you poke the sweep up? I'm just guessing.
Poor Dick Van Dyke.
AS DICK VAN DYKE: "Oh, Mary Poppins, "me scrotum's playing me up something rotten.
"Step in time! "ARRRRGH!" That was the subplot they never managed in the film.
A spoonful of That's why they're all doing that! That's why they're all doing that! APPLAUSE Do you think he was in too much pain to do the accent properly? So, anyway.
Can you tell me what this bird's name is? Is it a wagtail? It is not a wag What I really want is I want its actual name.
Is it Phillip, Jeremy, Mabel? Well, to assist you, you have some bird whistles beside you.
Ooh! Yeah.
See if you can come up with the actual name.
HE PLAYS A TRILL Oh.
That's better than mine.
SHE PLAYS LIKE A CLANGER Oh, here we go.
".
.
said Tiny Clanger.
" Oh, you've got lots of different ones.
CARIAD CONTINUES PLAYING ALAN PUFFS HE LAUGHS The famous calling sound of a goose with asthma.
THEY PLAY A CLANGER CONVERSATION What is going on? What are you doing? It's just my ears popped.
HONKING CALL Is that a duck call? It's supposed to be a duck.
A duck call.
Sounds like a HALF-HONK AND PUFFING Try the littlie.
HONKING CALL Hang on! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Well THEY ALL PLAY AT ONCE .
.
it could be any one of these tunes.
Here is the extraordinary thing.
This bird is called - and this is such a lovely name - it's called a superb fairy-wren.
Ah! Isn't that the sweetest thing? And every single nest has a family name.
So it's like it has a surname, and the surname is given to the mother when the kids are all in the eggs and what she does is she lays the eggs and she waits for nine days and then she sits by the eggs and she starts singing a unique tune.
So it might be GASPING TWEETS .
.
better than that.
What beautiful song does she sing, Sandi? UPBEAT TWITTERING THEY ALL PLAY AT ONCE Can I? CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Basically, she sings the same tune every four minutes, over and over, for a week.
Now, I would imagine this drives the chicks in the eggs completely barmy.
My daughter does that with Let It Go.
Oh, I hate that song.
I can't be doing with it.
I didn't used to but, holy smokes, it's a test.
Anyway, what happens is the chicks in the egg, they actually hear it and they commit it to memory, and Mum and Dad and eggs, they all know the tune.
It's a unique tune.
Waterloo I don't think there are lyrics.
What happens is she goes away and gets food, when she returns to the nest, she sings this particular tune that they all know and they have to sing it back to her and that way she can be absolutely sure there isn't a cuckoo in the nest.
So, they have, as it were, a surname just for that nest.
That is amazing.
That really is amazing.
But if they were people Yeah.
.
.
how annoying would they be to have round for dinner? Unbelievably irritating.
"Andrew, shall we do our song? "We all know this song, we've sung it from when we were children.
"Let's do it, shall we?" They're not even real, and I'm going to leave! I knew a family that did that.
They had a whistle and in the supermarket, the mum would do a certain whistle and the kid would whistle back.
No, darling, that's the Von Trapps.
That's a film.
They did, they had a whistle in the supermarket in case they got lost.
My mum would summon me home by whistling.
Seriously? Yeah.
She taught me how to do it with the two fingers.
HE WHISTLES LOUDLY Wow.
Now, I could hear that, er three miles away.
So me and me brother would be playing with mates and we'd be out all day and then, at tea-time, my mum would go out the back door and go HE WHISTLES LOUDLY And then we would Wow.
That is a seriously good whistle.
We would come back.
One time, do you remember, we were in Manchester Oh, yeah, yeah.
.
.
and I had to get a train Yeah.
.
.
and a taxi went by and I went, "TAXI!" like that, and he ignored me and it went about 50 yards and he did that and it braked.
PHILL IMITATES SQUEALING BRAKES And he did a U-turn and came back.
ROMESH: Oh, was the taxi driver your mum? APPLAUSE Here is the thing about the birds which is extraordinary, it isn't just birds who do this.
Horses also do this.
They have a signature whinny.
Wow.
Serious.
Has the picture budget been slashed? Yeah.
Why? That's from Horses And Orthodontistry.
I'm so allergic to horses that I just sneezed at the sight of that picture.
Seriously? I don't think it's an allergy.
That photo is terrifying.
He's going, "WHERE ARE MY EYES?! WHERE ARE MY EYES? "THE CROWS HAVE GOT MY EYES! "AAAAARRRRGH!" That's the mother horse going, "WHERE ARE YOU?! COME HOME!" "KIDS, BRING MY EYES BACK!" That overbite reminds me of my games teacher at school.
So, here's the thing.
Horses have signature whinnies.
So, say, for example, you have a horse - shall we call it Alan? - in a stall, and another horse called Shergar walks by and goes out of sight behind a barrier.
Alan notices that and You're being Alan the horse? .
.
goes back to eating.
If, when Shergar is behind the barrier, scientists play his identifying whinny, Alan won't really pay any attention.
If they play the identifying whinny of a different horse, Alan gets really freaked out because he knows that the horse he saw walk past wasn't the one that he's just heard.
This is on the list of things scientists can be arsed to do.
Now, who sold seashells on the seashore? Is it someone who's got no idea of the laws of sort of supply and demand? APPLAUSE Interestingly, there were plenty of seashells, and lots of people who wanted to buy them.
So who? The answer is "she", isn't it? KLAXON Yay! Er, well, it is in the rhyme.
Can you do the rhyme? Do you know the rhyme? She No, I can't, because I've got a lisp.
Ah! What a fantastically mean thing to do to you.
Make him do it, Sandi! Make him do it! She sells seashells on the seashore.
Mm-hm.
And though she goes home again.
I don't know the second bit.
The shells she sells are seashells, I'm sure For if she sells seashells on the seashore Then I'm sure she sells seashore shells.
Wow.
Is the full rhyme.
AUDIENCE OOHS Thank you very much.
Oh, yes.
APPLAUSE Oh, yes.
That is not I know, I know! That is the first time I've heard that typical British reaction to a tongue twister.
And it is "Ooooh!" That's what we think of articulate people.
"Ooooh!" I didn't know we had that in our make-up.
So "she", but who was "she"? The woman who sold seashells? Was she a Cockney woman who some white Victorian man made up a nice rhyme about, but actually, she was probably a prostitute who died of syphilis? Well That turned Dickens really quickly.
That was I wonder why they didn't include that bit in the rhyme.
".
.
and then she got syphilis.
" It's like those nursery rhymes What a dark place your head is, Cariad.
It was an actual woman, she worked in Lyme Regis.
It was the Dorset lady.
She's a killer! Look at the weapon! There she is.
She found the first dinosaur in the UK, didn't she? The first whole? She was the inspiration for the tongue twister.
She's a Victorian fossil hunter called Mary Anning.
Mary Anning.
Oh, she's the fossil hunter - she's all over the Natural History Museum.
Yeah.
All over the Natural History Museum, and she's incredible.
She was very brave, because it's very dangerous.
That is a picture of her with her dog, Tray.
She's about to kill it and put it in that bag.
Well I can't tell if the dog is already "And now I shall make a fossil!" Bang! Bang! "Finish your painting, please, before the dog wakes up.
" I don't know if the picture shows the dog already dead.
It died in a landslide, and she was very fond of it.
In a landslide caused by? Well, it is I don't know if you She found HUGE fossils.
Yeah.
She is really an extraordinary woman.
And her findings absolutely made important changes in scientific thinking because, up until the 1820s, lots of people didn't believe extinctions could happen, cos it would imply that God's creations were less than perfect.
But she, in fact, discovered the very first ichthyosaur skeleton correctly identified, the first two plesiosaur skeletons and the first pterosaur skeleton outside Germany.
She also found I'm going to give you some examples.
She found these, and she is the very first person who worked out what they are.
So I'm going to pass you one there for you to share.
Do you know what that is? Oh.
This is ?9.
50 in a Cornwall gift shop.
Is this dinosaur shit? It is.
It is absolutely that.
OK.
Now I feel weird.
These have been tumbled to prove you can, in fact, polish a turd.
But, um That's amazing.
People thought they were bezoars, so stomach stones, something from the inside of the stomach, but what she did, she cracked one open and she discovered PHILL LAUGHS Oh, God! It's science, it's science! She discovered fish scales and teeth, and she's the first person who realised that, in fact, coprolites - which is the correct term for them - is in fact dinosaur poo.
Isn't that extraordinary? To have a dinosaur's bit of poo in your hands, I think it's incredible.
I feel a bit sorry for her, that, you know, she's done all these amazing things and when they decide to come up with a rhyme about her they made up one about she used to knock out seashells.
Well, here's the thing.
That's how she made a living.
She was very poor.
Her father was a cabinet-maker, he died when she was 11.
And so she had to make a living.
And actually, people selling fossils has been a big thing on the Lyme Regis coast She did start finding them when she was 12 or 13, didn't she? Yeah.
She could sell them to tourists.
It was one of the very first So your ?9.
50 for a coprolite is probably about right.
She really sort of pains me slightly, because she sold things to men who then wrote scientific articles about them, and she didn't get the credit.
She wasn't allowed to join, for example, the Geological Society of London.
They didn't admit women until 1904.
She didn't get full credit until, 163 years after her death, the Royal Society included Anning in a list of the ten British women who have most influenced the history of science.
Was she not allowed to join the society because she was a woman? Or because she killed that dog? I think the dog didn't help, if I'm honest with you.
Right, time for a look in Mother Toksvig's Bumper Book Of Neological Novelties, I think.
Here are some new names for things.
But can you tell me what any of them are? Adorkable? Adorkable.
Do you know what it is? Is that when somebody's, like, really into comic books, but it's quite cute? It's manic pixie dream girl syndrome.
Adorably dorkish, so socially inept but charming with it.
Are these? These are new words that have recently What's happening here? They're what's known as neologisms, so they are new terms that have entered the language.
Oh, I see.
Al desco is having your lunch Having your lunch at your desk.
Yeah.
A belfie, I can't remember what a belfie is.
A belfie is where you take a selfie, but you have a bell.
Really? No, it is a selfie, but what of? What part of you is a belfie? Oh, my God! Yes.
- Oh! - Really? Your bell end? It's APPLAUSE I thought that was a dick pic.
It's your bottom.
Oh, your bottom? Yes, it's a picture of your That's a bumfie! A bumfie? How is "belfie" bum? I don't Darling, I didn't write them.
I'm just telling you.
These are all examples that have been included in the OED in recent years.
The OED have got to stop adding now.
Stop adding.
Those are just It's like the OED has been taken over by a 14-year-old boy who's bored.
BREAKING VOICE: "Yeah, we'll put 'em all in! Ha-ha! "And I'll make up 12.
" I like that one, stoor-sooker.
What is that? Is that Scottish? Yes.
It's to do with sucking.
It's to do with sucking.
Really? Oh, it's something nasty again.
I think I'll lead the quiz now.
No, no, it's fine.
It's a Scottish neologism for a vacuum cleaner.
It's a stair-sucker, a stoor-sooker.
PHILL LAUGHS Oh, right.
What's honkenbonkers? Honkenbonkers, it just means amazing.
Is that the one you were thinking, "That's the one I might take from this"? Yeah.
"What am I just going to throw into casual conversation?" The good thing about any of these words, is if I hear someone using them, I can beat them to death with the OED, which is quite a hefty book.
Wabsteid is another Scottish one for website.
What's cauldpress? Cauldpress is a Scottish neologism for a fridge.
These are just Scottish words! Does anybody know where the word "quiz" comes from? As we're doing a kind of quiz.
I feel like I do know, but I can't remember.
- I feel like that.
- Do we get a point for that? Alan can have a point for that, I'm fine with that, yeah.
So when you say it, I'm going to go "Oh, yeah" You watch.
Watch, watch.
OK.
We don't really know.
Oh Oh! So it used to mean a sort of eccentric person.
How it has come to mean asking people questions for points, we don't really know.
There's a story that Richard Daley, who was a proprietor, a theatre proprietor in Dublin in 1791, made a bet that, within 48 hours, he could get a word into common parlance.
And he distributed the word "quiz" to be put up on walls all over Dublin, and it became part of the language.
So really, when they say the police are quizzing the suspect, that's wrong, isn't it? No, that's from inquisitive.
And inquisition.
So that's a separate You've got it, you're in the right chair.
I had a little cold feeling then! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Right, OK.
A new word is created in English every 98 minutes or so.
Now, would you rather be in a non-routine operation or a mass deposition event? Well, I don't like the sound of a non-routine operation.
I'd prefer a non-routine operation.
Do you? I just think, if it's routine It's a better story.
Well, if it's routine, the person's more likely to be a bit blase about it if you've done it loads of times.
Where, if it's non-routine, he'll think, "I probably should stay awake while I'm doing this.
" If it's non-routine, they're going to have the book open.
Exactly.
Like they're doing it for the first time.
I imagine it being like a chef.
If it's routine, they'll go, "Just for a game, I'm going to do it with my blindfold on.
" I can tell you that the non-routine operation is a phrase used by Trans-Florida Airlines.
OK.
Crash landing? It is.
It is their word for a plane crash.
Oh-ho! "Notice to passengers" Must be in the lead! ".
.
in case of a non-routine operation, "we'd like you to be familiar with the location of the airplane exits.
" You'd hope they'd call that non-routine, wouldn't you? Yeah.
What a damning indictment of the airline if they don't.
Can I show you my favourite airport sign? Cos you know you never get proper information.
I think this is absolutely fantastic.
There we go.
It kind of says everything, doesn't it? It's fair enough.
Loses something in translation.
It's honest.
It's absolutely fine.
The other thing is, a mass deposition event is, in fact, a huge pile of poo.
In fact, it's a rather specific pile of poo.
It's a euphemistic term given by archaeologists to the discovery of a thick layer of horse dung at a site called the Col de la Traversette, and it's believed to be associated with Hannibal's crossing of the Alps into Italy in 218 BC.
I love this.
The team analysing the poo, OK, are hoping to find signs of elephant droppings.
Here's a quote from one of the team.
"There's even the possibility of finding an elephant tapeworm egg.
"This would really be the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
" And so we reach that round that dare not speak its name.
Fingers on buzzers, please, for General Ignorance.
Name the cause of the first mass extinction? Oh, now this is a trick one, because you're trying to get us to do the dinosaur one, but there was one before that, wasn't there? After 14 years, he understands the format! APPLAUSE Is it ice? Ice? It is not ice, no.
CARIAD: Baby! Very good.
They had a problem, but they didn't solve it.
There was a massive extinction.
It's sea anemone greed and, really, the invention of the mouth.
So what happens is So many problems come when we invent the mouth! These are ediacarans, and ediacarans are the very first complex life forms on earth.
And they hung around on the sea floor for about 37 million years.
They didn't have a mouth, they didn't have an anus.
They just lived through osmosis.
They got along fine! They were just fine.
And then, what happens is, the Cambrian explosion, so that's - give or take a Tuesday - about 542 million years ago.
You suddenly get life forms suddenly rocketing cos there's more oxygen around, and you get sea anemone-like creatures, they have a mouth.
And do you know what they did? They ate them.
They ate them.
Absolutely right.
They ate the lot of them.
And the terrible, tragic thing was that they couldn't tell each other what was happening.
Oh, don't! That's so sad! Yeah.
No mouth.
Just lying there being eaten and not being able to Or warn each other.
I've had boyfriends like that, and I understand how they feel.
Nothing you can do.
Just let them get on with it.
It's been a learning experience being with you, Cariad.
That's why I'm adorkable! I thought for a moment you meant you'd had boyfriends with no mouth or anus.
It felt like that, Alan.
They can't cry for help.
No.
Can't speak.
Now, name a self-confessed Nazi.
Self-confessed? Um All those guys.
They're like, "Me! It's me!" They didn't call themselves Nazis, did they? Absolutely right.
There are none.
Because they didn't call themselves Nazis.
You are just doing brilliantly.
Absolutely right.
APPLAUSE All this time, all this time you've been intimidated to say what you know.
Now you can just speak.
It's lovely, Alan.
No, indeed.
Hang on, I'll throw him off his game.
AS STEPHEN FRY: Maa! Maa! I like that Churchill called them "Nazzies".
"Nazzies", yeah.
And he referred to the Gestapo as the "Jester-po".
That's very good.
You are absolutely right.
No self-respecting Nazi ever called themselves a Nazi.
It was the German exiles who called them that.
So our panellists emerge at the scores, but let's see who has made a name for themselves, and who has a black mark next to theirs.
In fourth place, with a magnificent -2, it is Phill! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yes! In third place, with 4 points, it's Romesh! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, I don't know if you're going to be able to guess who wins if I tell you who's in second place.
With 5 points, it's Cariad.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Alan! Oh, my God! And the winner is Alan, with 7.
EXCITED CHEERING AND APPLAUSE It only remains for me to thank I'm going to be UNBEARABLE! SANDI LAUGHS I shall bear with it.
It only remains for me to thank Cariad, Phill, Romesh and Alan.
Finally, let me leave you with this Neolithic newspaper nugget from the Johannesburg Star.
The Sunday morning quiet of the city centre was shattered when a man went berserk in Plain Street.
He smashed about 4,000 rands' worth of shop windows before being shot in the thigh by a passing churchgoer.
Goodnight.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Marlon James has been labelled a troublemaker