Family Guy s14e02 Episode Script

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! We now return to The Autistic Postman Always Rings Four Hundred Times.
So is everybody excited for Father's Day on Sunday? Oh, yeah, that's right.
I always try to avoid Father's Day now.
Every year, I used to take my dad to the horse track.
Now we just go rooting around for bargains at the mall.
Oh, this is darling, isn't it? Uh-huh.
Glenn, do you think you'd see my bra through this blouse? Uh, I don't know.
Is it too sheer? I don't know what that means.
Glenn? Do you think it's too sheer? I said I don't know! Hey, Joe, you know, come to think of it, I've met Cleveland's dad, and my dog slept with Quagmire's dad, but I don't know anything about your dad.
Yeah, is he still with us, or is he living in Heaven with Jesus Christ? Ugh, save that for your black friends.
Eh, my dad's out there somewhere, but I haven't spoken to him in years.
What?! Really?! Sorry, Cleveland, that was mean of me.
I already forgave you.
But, Joe, why haven't you seen your dad? Well, he's a good guy, but we just drifted apart.
It's no big deal.
It's a very big deal.
My dad's a stinking drunk who lives in Ireland, but you got a perfectly good dad.
You can't waste that.
You gotta call him up for Father's Day.
Peter, I don't even know where he is.
Who's ready for another beer? Hey, Cleveland, weren't you supposed to buy the next round? That's a shame Joe never sees his dad.
I know.
Hey, you know what? Joe's our friend.
He should be with his dad on Father's Day, and we're gonna track him down.
Yeah, that's a good idea, Peter.
Well, I like helping people out.
That's why I was such a good break-up rodeo clown.
I'm just gonna go ahead and tell you.
I've been sleeping with your sister.
What?! Hey, now! Hey, now! Over here! Over here! Over here! Hey, now! Hey, now! Over here! Over here! Hey, now! Hey, now! Over here! Over here! Oh, and now that I'm inside the barrel, he gave you and your sister HPV.
Hey, want to see something? Check out how hot my last patient was.
Oh.
They look fake.
Yeah, who cares? Okay, according to this projection, Stewie's adult height will be five-foot-one.
What?! Five-foot-one?! Wow, Dr.
Hartman, that's really short.
I mean, I suppose it's fine if he's gonna die at 14.
Is-is there anything on there about that? Well, we learned in medical school that the short ones do go faster, 'cause they smell more farts than the rest of us.
This is terrible! I can't be short! I'll be an outcast, like Rudolph the Uncircumcised Reindeer.
Look, Rudolph, it's not me, all right? It's Dasher, he's been complaining, and he is the one who has to look at it all night.
I don't know.
Mrs.
Claus says it'll decrease my sensitivity.
I-I'm sorry, why are you talking to my wife about this? Okay, you guys, it's all set.
I found Joe's dad on the Internet, and he just e-mailed me to say he's coming tomorrow.
All right, great, but remember, this is a surprise for Joe.
Why are you looking at me? Because you're terrible at keeping secrets.
No, I'm not; I'm great at it.
Like when I was an OB/GYN.
Well, I got the results of your ultrasound, and I got some news for you.
Wait, wait, wait-- We don't want to know if it's a boy or a girl.
Oh, okay.
Well, it's not breathing.
Hey, guys.
Uh, uh, so, Joe, big day tomorrow, eh? Father's Day.
Gonna be home all day, especially at 11:30 a.
m.
? Peter.
What? I didn't say anything about his dad.
My dad? What about my dad? Well, now that Quagmire ruined the surprise, we found your dad! You what?! That's right.
He's coming tomorrow, for Father's Day.
You shouldn't have done that, Peter.
My father's not gonna be happy to see me.
Sure he will.
Just get him one of them Father's Day cards what plays a song.
"Dad to the Bone.
" "I'm Dad.
" Pretty much anything with "bad," you turn it to "dad.
" Wait, w-why wouldn't your dad be happy? What, is he a jerk or something? No, it's just that ever since I was a little kid, he was constantly making fun of handicapped people.
Really? Yeah, my whole life, my-my dad would ridicule anyone in a wheelchair.
It was all, "Hey, spaghetti legs!" And, "Hey, rigatoni legs!" And, uh, "Hey, angel-hair legs!" He was a sales manager at Ronzoni.
Wow, then it must have been hard for him to accept when you were paralyzed.
That's just it.
My dad doesn't know I'm handicapped.
I never told him.
I never I never told him! Ah, Joe, don't cry.
It's gonna make me cry.
I cry like Snoopy.
I can't believe you invited my father without telling me.
You guys got to get in touch with him and tell him not to come.
It's too late, Joe, he's already on his way.
He is? Yeah, we got him tickets on Kayak.
It is a nightmare itinerary.
It was, like, 80 bucks, but he has four stops.
Two of them are in Houston.
What am I gonna do? My dad has no idea I'm paralyzed.
Well, there's only one thing we can do.
We'll just figure out a way to hide your handicap from your dad.
Hide the fact that I can't walk? Peter, that'll never work.
It's worth a try.
Come on, Joe, don't be so negative.
You're like a Boston fortune cookie.
"I don't know, numbnuts.
Maybe buy a garage and fill it with hockey equipment.
" Huh.
Well, let's see what my lucky numbers are.
"Screw you, math dick.
" Well, that wasn't very helpful at all.
Here you go, Stewie.
I know clothes shopping always cheers you up.
I can't believe I'm only going to be five-foot-one.
Aw, come on, look at the bright side.
You'll be in the front row of every class picture.
Holding that little plaque.
You suck.
Why don't you go drink out of the fountain? I'll text you when I'm done.
I know you're trying to be rude, but I am gonna do that, because I find it enjoyable.
Excuse me, I was looking at this.
Sorry, I've made a decision to go for that shirt, and when that happens, it is on.
Full throttle, man.
Pow! Wow, you're an energetic little fellow.
I guess your mommy lets you drink coffee, huh? Whoa, whoa, I-I don't put stimulants in my body.
You know something? You kind of remind me of Tom Cruise.
Boom.
You-you got me, man.
Wow, Tom Cruise.
You look, um bigger in the movies.
Wh-What are you doing here? Oh, I get all my clothes from out-of-the-way toddler stores.
Ooh, uh, you want an animal cracker? Sure, you got a lion in there? Oh, no, I eat those first.
I believe eating the lions gives me power.
Yeah, I hear you believe in a lot of crazy stuff.
What'd you get there? A giraffe? Yeah.
Good, good.
It's good for eyesight.
Well, you're certainly upbeat.
Let me ask you, doesn't it bother you being an adult man who's that short? 'Cause the doctor says that's where I'm headed.
Oh, no way, man.
The middle of the word "short" is "or.
" "Or" gives you a choice.
And I choose not to be short.
Wow, you need a road map for that one.
Hey, hey, I'll tell you what.
You spend the day with me, you'll see how great it is to be short.
You'll feel like you're discovering a new world.
And you know what's in the middle of the word "world"? Um "or"? Yes! The dots have appeared, man, let's connect them! You're you're a weirdo, but let's do this.
All right, check it out, Bonnie.
This is how we're gonna fool Joe's dad.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, looks real, right? I put this pair of pants on the front legs of this horse and strapped Joe to the front with his legs tied behind the horse's neck.
And then we put Cinnamon's head up the back of Joe's shirt and simply hid the rest of the horse behind this curtain.
His breath is very moist, Peter.
And to induce movement, I'm gonna snap the horse's balls with this dampened kitchen towel.
Aah! Oh, my God! Holy crap, he's out of control! Does it look real? Plan B! an B! Peter, I'm afraid this is hopeless.
What, I don't know what else to do.
I mean, we're not gonna come up with something better than the horse.
Yeah, I guess you're just gonna have to tell your dad about your handicap.
I can't do that.
If you guys were in my shoes, you'd understand.
Wait a minute, that's it! I will get in your shoes.
I'll just pretend to be you.
I mean, your dad ain't seen you in years.
He won't know the difference.
What? That's crazy.
Boy, that was a close call.
Is some of this room cold? All right, Peter, almost done.
Huh? Huh? Eh, kind of.
Yeah.
I don't care.
Peter, I don't know about this.
It seems like a bad idea.
Look, Lois, Joe is one of my best friends, all right? I'm only doing this to help him.
Besides, wait till you hear my "Joe" voice.
Uh, God, I hate being stuck in this chair.
No, Peter, that fights it.
Oh, yeah Mr.
Big Stuff Who do you think you are? Mr.
Big Stuff You're never gonna get my love Now because you wear All those fancy clothes Oh, yeah And have a big fine car Oh, yes, you do now Do you think I can afford To give you my love Oh, yeah You think you're higher than every star above Mr.
Big Stuff Who do you think you are? Mr.
Big Stuff You're never gonna make me cry Mr.
Big Stuff Tell me, tell me That's Bud.
Are you ready, Peter? I think so.
What do you think, acting coach? I think you will be exemplary, Peter.
All good acting coaches are insane old ladies.
Emote! Hi, Bud.
Hi, Joe's dad.
Uh, I mean, uh, Dad.
Uh, Joe, I'm Joe; you're my dad.
Joe? Wow, I guess it really has been a long time.
I barely recognize you.
Put on a little weight, haven't you? Well, I could say the same for you.
Sometimes I don't understand why people laugh.
All right, everyone in the car.
We got a Father's Day dinner reservation.
Why is Mr.
Swanson coming? And why is he dressed like Dad? I don't know, kids.
I stopped asking after your father said he shot a horse.
Thanks for the ride-along.
I liked when you sentenced those two girls to kiss each other.
Yeah, all girls are lesbians when you point a gun at 'em.
Boy, it's been great spending time with you, son.
It's been great spending time with you, too Dad.
Oh, this'll be fun.
Let's see how long it takes them to get Gumby over there into the car.
Yeah, that's our neighbor, Peter Griffin.
That's the guy who e-mailed me? Huh, no wonder it was all caps with tons of typos.
He's a water head, right? Yeah, he's a mess.
Look at his ugly kids.
Pathetic.
Ugh, he's not fitting.
Just put some of him in the back like skis.
Hey, Stewie.
What's up? When you say it like that, you sound just like Tom Cruise.
What? Oh, yeah, I've been hanging with Tom Cruise.
You've been hanging out with Tom Cruise? Sure have.
We spent the whole day together, and he showed me there's a lot of advantages to being short.
Oh, yeah? Like what? You're the last one to get wet when it rains? Well, yeah, that.
And you can chow pie standing up.
We didn't do any of that, but the point is, I'm at peace with being short.
Full throttle, man! Pow! Hello? Oh, hi, Dr.
Hartman.
Mrs.
Griffin, I have some good news.
Turns out your son is going to be normal height.
I read his chart wrong yesterday.
Apparently, I have something called "dislooxia"? That was the doctor.
Apparently, Stewie's not gonna be short after all.
What? Really? That's wonderful news! Oh, I'm so relieved my child is spared some heartache.
Now, come on, Brian, I guess we should try to make it over to Meg's birthday party.
Could I have some bread while I open my presents? At this point, we're gonna have to start charging you for the bread.
Hey, Stewie! You want to check out the go-kart I used in Days of Thunder? Yeah, listen, um I just found out I'm actually going to be tall, so I'm no longer comfortable hanging out with someone whose teeth are bigger than their fingers.
What? That's that's barely true.
Yeah, so see you later.
You are making a big mistake, Stewie! Nobody walks away from Tiny Tom Cruise! Yeah, except for all three of your wives.
Okay, I'm shutting this now.
Okay, so bye! So now, since I switched to disposable catheters, I no longer have those beet-red infections in my urethra.
Oh, no.
I hope it's not genetic.
Chris, he's not our dad.
I can't keep up with this ruse.
Hey, everybody! Peter, finally, you're home.
How's it going over there with my dad? Awesome.
He fell for the whole thing.
In fact, we've been having a great time! Wow, that's terrific, Peter! You'll only have to pull it off for a few more hours.
Then he'll be on a plane tomorrow and I can go home.
Oh, that's the other good news.
Bud's not leaving! I told him he can move in with me and Bonnie.
What?! Peter, this is crazy! Na it's gonna work out fine.
Oh, and remember, Joe, if Lois is feeling frisky at night, it's index finger around and clockwise.
And just keep doing that to yourself until you're good to go.
Peter, this is ridiculous.
You can't live in my house with my dad and my family! Your dad got me super clean in the tub.
Joe's right, this is idiotic.
What are you thinking? I'll tell you what I'm thinking.
I'm thinking that I've had two dads and neither one cared for me as much as Bud does.
Peter, I've had enough of this! You can't just take my dad! Well, he's right next door.
Nothing's stopping you from going over there and telling him the truth: that his son is a paraplegic who's stuck in a wheelchair.
You know I can't do that.
Ah, suit yourself.
But I gotta go.
Me and Bud are having a blast.
I'm sorry, Joe.
A-Are you okay? Not really.
I'll be honest, Lois, this hurts.
Hurts like the Dickens.
I've finished my latest novel.
Splendid, Charles! What is it called? Oliver Nipple-Twist.
Ow! Oh, Charles, you bastard! Yeah! The Dickens! It hurts like the me! So, anyone going to the gerbil's funeral on Friday? Okay, kids! Everyone in a circle for parachute time.
Oh, goodie, I love parachute time! Whee! Whee! Whee! What the hell? That kid looked like Tiny Tom Cruise.
Whee! Huh.
Must've been my imagination.
Aah! If you think you're getting away from me, you've got a crazy laugh coming, friend.
Aah! Hey, what are you doing home so early? He's following me, Brian! Who's following you? Tom Cruise! I spend one afternoon with the guy, and it's like I signed an eight-year contract to show up at events with him and let him fake-father a child.
Stewie, I would think Tom Cruise has better things to do than follow you around.
Oh, really? Well, explain that! You know, it's times like this where I think, if I didn't talk and you were a normal baby, we wouldn't have any of these problems.
You gotta help me get rid of him, Brian! He's creepier than that guy at the gym who just does karate in the mirror.
It's me.
The guy's me.
I'm a gym karate creep.
I'm pretty good, too.
But relax.
If I wanted you dead, you'd be dead.
Hey, Dad, what do you say we go play catch? And throw me some divers.
I want to get grass stains on my school slacks.
What? You're a grown man.
I know, it's just so great having a dad.
Well, it's nice having reconnected with you, too.
All right, let's do it.
Oh, for God's sake.
See, a guy like that should just stay inside so we don't have to look at him.
Joe, go over there and tell him to get back in his house.
Don't worry, I'll take care of it.
Joe, you gotta go inside.
You're upsetting my dad.
Your dad? That's right! He loves me in a way that Aw, you guys had pizza? Screw you, Peter! You know what? This is over! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Not a chance.
I like your house better.
I got nothing to hold onto when I poop at home.
You have no idea how many shower curtains I've ripped down.
Now get inside.
No, I'm not gonna do that.
Oh, yes, you are! Get away from me, you son of a bitch! What the hell? Joe, don't take that from him! How do you like that? You're getting your ass kicked by a cripple! A helpless, spaghetti-legged cripple! What are you doing? You're my son! You can't let yourself get beat up by a guy in a wheelchair! Your son is a guy in a wheelchair.
What are you talking about? Yes.
Yes, Dad.
It's me.
Joe! What the hell happened to you? I was shot in the line of duty.
"Line of duty.
" So, this is why you haven't called me in all these years? How could I, Dad? You always made fun of handicapped people.
The only thing I never understood was why? I don't know.
I guess I could never stand the thought of something like that happening to me.
Or even worse, to someone that I care about.
One time, my legs fell asleep on the toilet.
I had to crawl into the living room and interrupt Lois's book club.
That was one of the shower curtains I ripped down.
And I suppose, deep down, I was afraid.
Afraid that, if it did happen, I wouldn't be strong enough to handle it.
Well, Dad, I can tell you from experience it's only when your worst fears come true that you get to find out how strong you really are.
Then I guess I've got some learning to do.
I love you, son.
I love you, too, Dad.
I love you, too, Dad.
Hey, Joe, uh, just one question: why do you have all those Wizard of Oz plates? Because if I finish my vegetables, I get to see the Yellow Brick Road.
All right, you sold me.
All right, Brian, Tiny Tom Cruise is somewhere close.
I can sense his manic energy.
You remember the plan? Yup, I got it.
Help, help! My dog got off his leash! Is there anyone who can do a pumpy-arm run? Running, running, running, running, running, running, run! Hey, Stewie.
I'm here to help you for the next billion years.
All right, good to know.
Anyway, my dog ran around those bushes.
I am on it! Gotcha! All right, off to Zappos with him.
You sure this is gonna work? Oh, yeah.
They'll accept any returns.
We don't even have to pay postage.
Hello, friend.
Your life is about to change.
Hey, Tom.
It's been a couple weeks.
Hey, listen, Joe, I'm sorry I treated you like such a jerk.
Well, that's okay, Peter.
In fact, I got to say, it was a nice thing you did.
I'm glad I reconnected with my dad after all these years.
Ah, it was my pleasure.
There's no more important relationship than I'm sorry, Cleveland, what the hell is that Toronto Raptors hat? It was my Father's Day present.
I hate it.
I'm just gonna wear it for a week then say I lost it.
Anyway, thanks for helping me, Peter.
Yeah, it all worked out great, Joe.
Except I am still missing that one pair of pants.
Excuse me, are those Bugle Boy jeans?