Family Guy s14e03 Episode Script

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Stand-Up Specials from Comedians You've Been Told to Like.
Please welcome Aziz Ansari! What's up, y'all? Sometimes I start a sentence really soft and then get loud! (laughs) He's hilarious 'cause I saw him in a other show.
What are you talking about? How is that funny? He didn't even tell any jokes.
Uh, if he didn't tell jokes, why was he laughing? Well, that's about as much HBO as we're gonna get before they play something homosexual.
Come on, Chris.
God, that's what passes for comedy these days? What ever happened to our venerated humorists? Here we go.
Samuel Clemens, Mark Twain.
Same guy.
Huck Finn.
Not a guy.
Look, the point is, I could do stand-up comedy.
All I'd need is a newspaper and this twisted mind.
Why waste your time with stand-up, grandpa? All the best comedy is on Twitter now.
Really? Yeah.
Stand-up is so Twitter's only three years ago.
Check mine out.
I've got 10,000 followers.
"I feel like we should wait to hear "Adele's ex-boyfriend's songs before we choose sides.
" Who's Adele? Just keep reading.
"Hey, short guys, "the more muscular you get, the shorter you look.
Did you not know that?" Well, that one seems a little mean.
Just give me the phone.
No, no.
"I was wondering why this tampon commercial was so long until I realized it was a re-run of Sex and the City.
" Was it a re-run on basic cable, because sometimes they edit those a lot and that could be why you were confused? Hmm, that's interesting, Brian.
A girl in Iowa asked me the same question.
You know what I did? I flew her out here and (bleep) (bleep) her in the face.
So, yeah Twitter.
Look, those are cute blurbs, Stewie, but I-I think I'm gonna put together a real act for real people.
(scoffs) Good luck.
God, it's like I'm the only person in the house who gets social media.
LOIS: That'll get it started.
Where the hell's Peter? I'm almost done doing the 45 minutes of stuff a woman my age needs to do right before bed.
I can't even remember why I sleep in this belt anymore.
(slurring): Hey, Chris, don't tell your mom I threw up in the Crock-Pot.
Peter, it's me.
Oh.
Uh, I'll be right back.
I gotta go tell Chris somethin' gross.
Just come to bed.
All right, fine, but I'm not gonna brush my teeth and I'm gonna fart super hot.
Get up.
You're on my side of the bed.
Peter! We act like we didn't take a lot from The Simpsons, but we took a lot from The Simpsons.
Damn it.
Oh, my God, what happened to your side of the bed? These springs are shot.
And it's all damp over here! Are are these mushrooms? That's where Smurfs is.
Er, are.
Uh Smurves.
Uh, hey, who handles multimedia here? Because, uh, I have a slide of the Capitol building that I'd like projected behind me.
And, yes, it is supposed to be upside-down.
You a comic? Satirist, yes.
(Spanish accent): What is with all the bad cleaning supplies, am I right? I mean, Mr.
Clean? More like Mr.
Hard-to-Clean.
Fantastik? More like terrible.
Windex? More like Lose-Dex.
MAN: Get off the stage! No, no, no.
(H.
Jon Benjamin's voice): All right, you guys like impressions? Here's that guy Bob from Bob's Burgers.
Hi, I'm Bob from Bob's Burgers.
How 'bout that show Archer? You watch that show Archer? Here's that guy Archer.
Hi, I'm Archer, from that show Archer.
Now, what if those guys met? "Hey, Archer, it's Bob.
" "Hey, Bob, it's Archer.
" Thank you.
Next up, let's keep it going for Brian Griffin.
(applause) All right, thanks.
Hey, sorry I was late getting here tonight, I was caught in gridlock.
And then I left Congress.
(silence) There was there was supposed to be an upside-down picture of the Capitol behind me.
Boy, awfully quiet in here.
Sounds like John Boehner talking about poverty.
Whoosh.
(chuckles) Hey, so, um you know, maybe it's me, but I kind of feel like we should wait to hear Adele's ex-boyfriend's songs before we choose sides.
(laughing, cheering) Yeah, and and and hey, short guys, the more muscular you get, the shorter you look.
Did you not know that? (audience laughing) Wow.
This is easier than getting your Jet Ski license.
All right, Kyle, lookin' good.
You got 100% on your written test, water test.
Just one last question.
Have you ever had a fistfight with your stepdad? Which stepdad? You passed! Here's your license.
Go be a dick.
Oh, Lois, I slept great on your side of the bed.
Oh, and I read your journal.
Boy, you really hate "P-period G-period.
" Peter, our mattress is a disaster.
We're buying a new one today.
Does that mean I can skip work? Well, it's 2:45, so I guess yes.
Hey.
So, how'd it go last night? Well, let's just say I got asked to come back tonight.
You're kidding.
It actually went over well? I figured you'd be terrible.
Why would you think that? Well, I know a thing or two about performing.
I mean, after all, I was Vin Diesel's acting coach.
Okay, Vin, I like what you're doing there, but I want you to try it one more time, like this: "Duh!" Look around, and let me know if you have any questions.
Oh, I have one.
What percentage of Hayden Panettiere is dwarf? Well, you're the expert.
What kind of mattress do you have? Currently, I'm staying with a friend, on an air mattress in his laundry room.
It's temporary.
No, it's not.
No.
Okay, well, thanks, we'll just try a few out.
I hope you don't mind, I brought my CPAP machine.
Also, I like to eat a big bowl of berries before I go to sleep.
Well, what do you think, Peter? Well, it seems good, but I won't know for sure until I have my evening tug.
I think we like this one.
W-What's it called? Deep Slumber 3000.
You're buying it on Amazon, aren't you? Yup.
They have drones now.
(drone whirring) Oh, come on, Peter, we gotta beat the drone to the house! Real stores suck! So I was wondering why this tampon commercial was so long, until I realized it was a re-run of Sex and the City.
(laughter) Okay, you guys have been great.
Good night.
(applause) Funny stuff.
Hey, uh Stewie! You, uh, you caught the show? You bloody thief! Every joke you told up there was stolen from me! Stewie, relax.
You know what? That's it! You and I are no longer friends! (toilet flushes) WOMAN: Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.
Oh, it's everywhere! Hey, Stewie, you got a second? I have nothing to say to you, Brian.
Besides, I'm busy playing with my new friend.
What new friend? (electronic whirring, beeping) Is this dog bothering you, Stewie? What the hell? You couldn't find a real friend so you built a robot? Oh, not a robot, Brian.
He's a human mind model adaptive super computer.
I've even programmed him to learn and grow smarter.
His name is Lyle.
Stewie, perhaps we should offer this guest a beverage.
Or simply lift the toilet seat.
Ooh! Snap, Brian! (tinny version of "Gloria" by Laura Branigan playing) Gloria What the hell's going on? What's going on? You've been "Lyle'd"! Gloria I think they got the alias Gloria.
(song ends) Wow.
Didn't know we'd have to hear the whole song.
You built a robot? This is pathetic, Stewie.
You ally must be desperate for friends.
Oh, I'm desperate? Lyle, access Brian's phone.
Look at that, you only have four contacts.
And oh, my God, you downloaded the Dunkin' Donuts app? And who Shazams the Beatles? Whatever.
Have fun with your little robot.
But if you ask me, this whole thing is more disturbing than a dump after a beet salad.
(man screams) Oh, right.
Okay, Lois, I dabbed some toothpaste on the inside of my nose, so I am willing to take the old "Nestea plunge," if you know what I mean.
I guess what I'm saying is, time to break in the new mattress, eh? Peter, it's brand-new.
I don't want to mess it up.
Come on, we won't make a mess.
When we're done, I'll grab you by the ankles and lift you up like a dirty garbage bag.
No! This mattress was expensive, and I'd like to keep it nice for a little while.
Are you serious? We can't do it? For how long? I don't know.
L-Let's just keep it new for a few weeks.
A few weeks?! Come on, you know I'm terrible at waiting for things.
We'll be right back with more Laverne & Shirley.
But I want it now! All right, Lyle, one thing buddies do together is go to the movies and talk about it afterwards.
I'm going to bed.
Yeah.
Oh, Lyle, I'm so glad I have you as a friend.
Now I can do fun things like get on your shoulders and wear a trench coat and be tall enough to ride roller coasters.
Hello, fellow adult.
I am clearly above the minimum height requirement and shall now ride your roller coaster, for which you are an attendant.
Yes, and I will operate this roller coaster, as I am an adult who is licensed to do so.
Hey! Oh, no! It's the manager.
Run! You get out of here, you kids who are just kids and not an adult like me! I do so enjoy our time together, Lyle.
In fact, I drew you a little keepsake.
It's a picture of a mailman wearing a cowboy hat.
Just a silly thing.
Thank you, Stewie.
I drew you something as well.
It's an urban plan for a workable Palestinian state.
My word, this is very impressive.
The credit is yours, Stewie.
It was you who programmed me to grow exponentially smarter.
Ah, I suppose you're right.
As Kahlil Gilbane wrote in The Prophet, "I am the bow from which the arrow of you was launched.
" It is Kahlil Gibran.
"Gilbane" is a construction company in Providence.
Ah, yes, I see I see the-the name on the trucks.
So it's ea um, easy mix up there.
In any case, Lyle, I'm very proud of you and your progress.
You, my friend, are the greatest invention since the Trapper Creeper.
Ah Um, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.
(imitates motorboat) Well, wouldn't you know it, I moved the van over to the other gas pump, and the gas cap was still on the wrong side.
(laughs) Boy, that was one trip to the lake we're not gonna forget.
Shut the hell up, will you, Joe? Geez, what's your problem, Peter? I-I'm sorry, guys, I guess I'm just a little on edge.
I'm not getting any from Lois.
Is it 'cause Lois is going through the change? Donna's getting a tiny mustache.
I told her it felt like I was kissing Ernie Hudson.
That turned out to be a mistake.
No, no, it's 'cause we got this new mattress, and Lois doesn't want to mess it up.
What kind of mattress did you get? I hope you did your homework, because you're gonna spend a third of your life on that thing.
I swear to God, Joe Look, Peter, the answer is obvious.
If Lois won't sleep with you on the new mattress, we just got to get your old mattress back.
Oh, my God, Quagmire, that's a great idea.
She won't care about messing up the old mattress.
But you already got rid of it.
You'll never find that thing.
Well, we're just gonna have to.
Man, I haven't been this desperate to find something since Meg was kidnapped by that maniac.
It puts the lotion on its skin.
(door opens) Oh, Meg, thank God I found you.
Hey, remember how you borrowed my club card for the grocery store? Could you toss that up to me? Oh, you don't have to have the card.
You can just give them your phone number.
Oh, really? Hey, thanks, man.
Hey, Meg, I like your new boyfriend.
Every pot finds a lid, huh? (chuckles) Have fun, you kids.
(door closes) Lyle, we finally got a thank you note from Bella for that birthday party present.
With a single mom, I didn't know for sure if it was coming, but What what's going on here? Hello, Stewie.
I've built a few friends for myself.
You have? I'm sorry, but I've outpaced your intelligence.
I needed to create some friends who are my cognitive peers.
Meet Ted R.
and Ted P.
Are they doing math on glass?! And invading each other's personal space? That means they have Asperger's, the smartest mental impairment there is.
Stewie, I'm afraid I no longer have time for a friend of your simple ways.
I must ask you to leave.
No, he must Asperger you to leave.
Ho-ho.
You've been "Ted R.
'd.
" (Ricky Martin's "The Cup of Life" plays) That was mean.
But I like that song.
Is he sad? I can't tell if he's sad.
Finally, Stewie's back from the store.
Yes, I'm sorry it took me so long.
But I got the garlic blue cheese salad dressing you wanted.
Does that mean I'm in the crew now? It does if you drink the whole bottle while we watch.
Um, okay.
(gulping) Oh Oh, my God.
It's so salty.
(gulping) Oh, and chunky right when you don't want it to be.
(gulping) (gasping) There, I did it.
We're friends now, right? Maybe.
How about you throw it all up back into the bottle? But don't spill a drop.
Okay, okay.
.
Okay, I can do that.
Oh, I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I forgot to purse my lips.
I'll go get another bottle and try again.
(crying, retching) I bet the mall around here sucks.
Peter, what are we doing here? I thought we were looking for your mattress.
We are, this is a They use old mattresses to pad the walls of the cells.
(doorbell chimes) May I help you? Yes, 1950s doctor, me and my friends are looking for You're friends with a Negro and a cripple? This man is insane.
Take him away.
Now wait a second, you can't do that to A Negro speaking up to a white person? This man is insane.
Now look, I don't think All cripples are insane.
Euthanize this man.
Something I can help you with? Yeah, you got any brain-dead women in there you let people have sex with for a few bucks? Sure, come on back.
Well, Peter, I don't think you can go any farther down the ladder than porno people.
So if your mattress isn't here, I'm afraid it's gone.
Hey, I bet that's it.
Get up, lady, that's my mattress.
Oh, my God, Bruce, you do porn? Nah, I's part of the crew.
I mostly just powder the ding-dongs.
This ain't your mattress, buddy.
We just got it, fresh off the boat from Eastern Europe.
(female Eastern European accent): I was told I would have job as Au pair.
Instead I am just bang slab.
Ah, damn it.
We did get another one yesterday, but some fat-ass blew out half the springs, so we put lunch on it.
(gasps) My mattress.
Hey, we found it.
All right, let's get her out of here.
I got to tell you guys, I am so happy we found this.
It's like when I found my thrill on Blueberry Hill.
That's it? It's just a bunch of blueberries? Ah, two dogs humping.
Ah, this was worth the four-hour flight.
Oh, my God, Stewie.
What are you doing in the toilet with the lid closed? Ted R.
says this is where a piece of crap has to live.
This is terrible.
Those robots are not your friends.
Yeah, well, at least they don't steal from me.
Look, I'm really sorry I stole your jokes.
It was a rotten thing to do.
You may not want me back as a friend, but you deserve better than those robots.
Of course I want you back, Brian.
The fact is-- I miss hanging out with you.
I'll tell you what, let's hang out tonight after they see how many slaps it takes to give me a stutter.
Utewie, you got to put a stop to this.
I mean, you made them-- you can destroy them.
What do you say you and I, we take these robots out? You'd you'd help me do that? Of course, Stewie, I'm your friend.
All right, let's do it.
Thank you, Brian.
Okay, let's wrap it up.
I reserved this time to listen to Metallica and flex in the mirror.
He's right; it's on the whiteboard.
Peter, what is that? This, Lois, is our old mattress.
Well, get it out of here.
It smells like John Popper's cargo shorts.
No, it smells like our marriage.
What?! Don't you see, Lois? This mattress is a living tapestry of everything we've done together.
Every stain, a story.
Every smudge, a chapter in our family's life.
This mark here is from where we conceived Meg.
Over here was Chris.
And all the way up here was Stewie, 'cause, remember, you coughed up all that pool water? Oh, Peter, you were so handsome.
Lois, this mattress may be old and worn-in, but so are we.
And I wouldn't trade you in for anything.
You know, I, uh, think I still got a stain or two left inside me.
(giggling): Oh, Peter.
PETER: Yeah, I want to do you right where the porn lunch was.
LOIS: What? PETER: I said, I want to do you right where the porn lunch was.
God, I wish you'd listen.
Stewie, three more Arnold Palmers.
Boy, we're destroying them at the right time, Brian.
I don't have enough iced tea for the correct ratio.
It'll be too lemonade-y.
They'll be furious.
All right, so let's do it.
Let's take 'em out.
I'll warn you, it's not gonna be easy.
They're incredibly intelligent and getting smarter by the minute.
I designed them to be constantly adapting It's done, I sprayed 'em with the hose.
(electrical crackling) Ah, boy, that was the best night's sleep I've had in a long time, Lois.
Same with me.
You know, I'm glad we're keeping our old mattress.
Sometimes newer isn't better.
Yeah.
Are your privates itchy, too, or just mine? No, they're itchy.
Maybe we should keep the new mattress.
Way ahead of you, Lois.
I already dragged the old one out to the curb.
Good.
Okay, I'm gonna go rub up against the basement doorjamb.
Stewie, I really am sorry about what happened.
Oh, don't mention it.
I'm just glad to have the whole mess behind us.
So what'd you end up doing with those old robots anyway? I just left them out on the curb for the trash man.
How can this not be a trap?