Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s14e03 Episode Script
The Phantom Of The Graveyard
'Ey up, Smiler! Ohh! Has she got thee outdoors already? She's had me out here an hour! "Don't be under me feet," she says.
"Go and enjoy some nice fresh air.
" Well, tha certainly looks as though tha's really enjoying it (!) All I want from life is to sit indoors and watch a bit of telly.
Come on! Let's start counting a few blessings.
One - she's a good cook.
Aye, she is.
Two - she is totally desirable.
She's a good cook.
Don't you ever look at her and think, "Here I am alone with this attractive woman"? No, never! It's more like "Here I am alone with this terrifying" Can't you find something to do!? I'm off for some fresh air! What are YOU doing? Well, it's a sort of pilgrimage.
Some people go to Elvis Presley's house.
I go to Nora Batty's steps.
You dozy beggar! Get away! You make the place look untidy.
I'm going, I'm going.
But I think I ought to warn you.
Warn me? About what? It's only fair you be warned.
I'll just say this - tha should be very careful of a certain person.
Who!? Me! Invite me out! I beg your pardon!? Ask me to go for a walk.
Howard, we are friends, but Make it sound natural.
It DOESN'T sound natural to me! Knock on the door and tell Pearl you're ready.
For what!? For a walk! I'm not going for a walk with Pearl! I'd rather go with you! You're GOING with me! Tell her you've come to call for me.
Oh! No, he's not going for a walk! And tell him to shut that window and get on with his housework! Ahem Have you anything on silent killing? If we HAVE, you'll find it under Sports and Pastimes.
How about unarmed combat for the over-60s? All I could find for the over-60s is old-time dancing.
You can hardly Veleta a mugger to death, can you? Haven't you anything on strangulation? It isn't as though I haven't been trained.
But maybe it's been updated.
Probably done by remote control now.
W-we have nothing of that nature Typical ! Shelves full of doctor and nurse romances! Just hard luck if you're interested in strangulation! Ah, well.
I'll have to stick to the old techniques.
HAI-EEE ! It was a perfectly routine request! It's ridiculous to suggest I was making a noise in the library! I was asking for books on silent killing! Does that sound like someone who'd make a noise in a library!? Silent killing!? You ARE weird! Weird!? I'll have you know that was my profession! I thought you had a duty to keep material for the benefit of the home hobbyist! ^ SMASHING PLATES PEARL: Don't give me that old rubbish! I'm sick of your lies! But One of those days, Howard? It's the only kind I get.
I don't know why, but she never believes a word I say.
Even when I'm lying.
And I'm pretty convincing when I'm lying.
No, you're not! See what I mean? How did YOU go on with lying when you were married? Well, I always found it easier to tell the truth.
That's a nice thing to say! You ask a friend for advice and he tells you stuff like that! Advice like that could kill you! Mind you, I didn't have a problem like Marina.
We had the Second World War, but that was over in a few years.
Is something wrong with the tea? No, it's fine.
You don't LOOK as if it's fine! It's a good cup of tea.
That man, what are you doing!? Sshhh! What's he doing!? He's listening at the door.
I can see that! But what's he listening FOR ? I think it's disgusting, listening at people's doors! Maybe there's something interesting going on.
That's no excuse.
SHUSH ! What is it? I can't hear anything.
What are we listening for? Be quiet! I think she's singing.
Nora Batty singing!? I could have sworn I heard her.
Ye gods! That's the most sinister thing I've ever heard! Do we have to? Yes! It won't hurt you once every 10 years.
What won't hurt him? Taking me shopping to Huddersfield.
Ten years? It seems like five! Two teas, please.
They don't like shopping.
They don't like ANYTHING normal.
Why do we have to go by bus? Because if we go by car we'll get halfway there and you'll start tinkering with the engine! Well, I am not taking you round Huddersfield covered in oil ! What kind of example is that to make .
.
when you're using a CREDIT CARD ? If I promise not to tinker, can we go by car? No! You can't resist it.
What's up with him? I don't know if there's anything.
I think he's ALWAYS like that.
I've had three customers turn round and go out! Take one look at a face like that, gives you no confidence in the catering standards.
Well, I didn't hear her singing.
Me neither, and I'm glad about that.
It's flying in the face of Nature, Nora Batty singing.
Well, I think I heard her singing.
It's unlikely.
WHY would she sing? Why would she sing? Because she's HAPPY because she's got a lodger! That's absurd! I've never known her to be happy! Have you? Never.
She's in love.
Yeah, with polished surfaces and clean steps.
With Smiler.
With Smiler!? Old happy-go-lucky Smiler (?) Why not? Because she chucks him out every morning at the crack of dawn! She bullies him rotten.
That could be just bluff.
'Morning, ladies.
'Morning, Eli.
'Morning, Eli.
'Morning, Eli.
Nobody in their right minds would fall in love with Smiler.
It would take someone who was very fond of depressed bloodhounds.
What do you think, Norm? He's right.
Smiler drove his wife so potty she went to Australia.
.
.
I wish I could be sure.
I promise, it really was Australia.
CRASH ! HELP ! There's something inside these railings grabbing me leg! 'Ey up! Is this Wesley in a soo-it? It's a day for surprises.
He wears it like a civilian.
He IS a civilian! And it shows.
Looks like someone died.
The suit! Wesley! We can't stand here gossiping! Where's tha going, Wesley? To Huddersfield - shopping! I'm sorry to hear that, Wesley.
If there's anything we can do to help Time is a great healer.
Are you coming!? OH !! THREE TEAS, PLEASE, IVY ! Does he LOOK happy? If his ears were a bit longer he'd look like a basset hound.
A sort of Down-in-the-Mush Puppy.
I still say it could be a bluff.
Why should it be a bluff!? It could be a mask he and Nora are hiding their happiness behind.
Oh! Here.
How long has he been here? Forever.
He comes in when Nora throws him out.
I wouldn't mind if he were cheerful, but he puts me customers off.
You see? I still say it could be a bluff.
Aw! Aw! Ivy, pardon me for asking, but could a woman of your age fall in love? Don't think I don't appreciate the offer, but no thanks! I'm speaking generally.
Oh, speaking generally? Fall in love? I don't think so.
It would require more confidence in the male than we have left! How can anyone call Smiler happy!? It's a terrible thing to say about ANYBODY ! You'd feel such a fool if everybody thought you were happy.
He's the last person in the world to accuse of being happy.
It could be a disguise! Then he's been wearing it forever.
The bottom dropped out of my world when I heard Nora Batty singing.
It doesn't mean she's entangled romantically with her lodger.
Then why was she singing!? There could be a number of reasons.
She could be in love with a number of people.
Stop upsetting him! I've got to be sure! Why don't you take my word for it? Have I ever put you wrong? All the time! I don't know how you can say that! I don't know how you could think that I would ever lead you wrong.
MARTIAL MUSIC You're in the hands of former Corporal Dewhurst, with all that means in terms of security PEEP !! There's only one way to settle this - ask him point-blank.
We Oh Oh, you again! Have you seen Smiler? I've seen too damn much of him! Where is he? I don't care where he is! I do! I care very much where he is! That man, come here! What do YOU want!? Don't speak to me in that seductive voice! I know what tha's up to! Just tell him to come outside! Tell who!? Don't give me that! After all we've been to each other! WHO'S been to each other!? Tell him I want a word with him! Tell who!? Thy lodger, the great long dollop! He's not in here.
You don't think he has privileges I wouldn't extend to me husband when he was alive? Are you sure? You wouldn't lie to me? Of course I'm sure.
Are you deaf or what? # Oh, today I feel so happy, So happy, so happy # She could be lying! You could be lying OH ! There we are.
And likewise.
You must admit Nora Batty didn't look as if she was in a singing mood.
Queen Boadicea, that's who Nora reminds me of.
I can see her scattering Romans with her wrinkled chariot.
So your problems are over.
She's obviously just as miserable as she always was.
Tha's not just saying that? No, no.
How much more miserable can a woman get? Nora has spent a lifetime extending the boundaries of lack of playfulness.
I admit she looked pretty miserable.
Very attractive but pretty miserable.
There you are.
Smiler's miserable, she's miserable.
Everybody's happy.
But they're not together, are they? They're miserable when they're apart, but what's it like when they're TOGETHER ? I'll have it out with him to his face! You can't reach his face! Look him straight in the navel.
I will, right in the belly-button.
You don't even know where he is.
In the library.
If he's not in the cafe, he'll be in the library.
Do we have to go to the library? I don't find them very helpful.
You've been thrown out again! It was a misunderstanding.
He has! He's been thrown out again! Did you ask for the Boys' Book of Bayonet Practice again? They don't cater for the warrior classes! Hiya, lads! Bit of oil on the suit.
Feels better already.
I thought you went to Huddersfield.
The bus broke down.
Look at the state of his suit! It was a right engine, was that.
It wasn't working, though! Engines have their off days, too.
Don't tell me about off days! Aw! What time is it? Twenty to two.
Ye gods, is that all it is!? Keep that civilian in uniform away from me.
I've no wish to harm him.
What's up with him? I think he's in love.
Well, he needn't look at me! He's not in love with you.
That's a relief! For me, too.
So why's he looking at me like that? He wants to ask you something.
What? What!? I've got to know, Smiler.
What!? WHAT !? Ask him and let's get out of here before I injure somebody! Is tha carrying on with Nora Batty? WHAT !!? Who said that!? It's a lie, a nightmare! How could you!? These hands are lethal weapons! His gob's pretty deadly an' all.
Thrown out of a library! I've told you before! I never opened my mouth! Well, SOMEBODY did! Go on, blame ME for it! POIGNANT MUSIC It's not just a library.
It's a little hideaway for me, a little place of refuge and warmth.
And now you've ruined it for me.
He didn't really answer, did he? He didn't say they WEREN'T having an affair.
Forget it! He's obviously in fear and trembling of Nora Batty! Which sounds reasonable to me.
That's what I've got to do - catch them together! Oh, give over! Norman, supposing they ARE happy together!? Happy together, Smiler and Nora!? Huh! The worst they can be is miserable together.
See!? They have so much in common! I can't do with this! My bird going out with other blokes! It's probably quite harmless.
He doesn't look like he's enjoying it.
He always looks the same! But that's not the expression of a lover.
What do you say, Clegg? Don't ask me.
I was never a lover.
I got married instead.
Well, we can't follow them on the bus.
They'll see us.
We must! I've got to KNOW ! Oh, all right, we'll head them off.
There's a bus coming! It's only a bus.
But someone on it may see us and tell Pearl ! Oh, Marina! Oh, Howard Howard and Marina's.
Well, they won't need them for a while.
She's going into church.
They're getting married! They are not! I bet they are! It's the wrong time of day for it.
Maybe there's a reduction.
She's a great one for reductions.
I'll go and see.
Oh, I daren't go.
With a record like you've got, I'm not surprised.
What will I tell Pearl ? Just tell her your bike's been stolen.
She'll want to know where I was when it was stolen.
Tell her you were in the park! Couldn't I tell her I lost it outside Woolworth's? It sounds less intimate than a park.
She's bound to think I was up to something in the park.
Well, she'll be wrong, won't she? They're just cleaning and polishing.
But why would she need Smiler? He's the only one tall enough to reach the cobwebs.
That makes sense.
Happy now? Every day is Christmas! Look out! They ARE our bicycles! But what are they doing here? Our bicycles came to church, Howard! Are they telling us something? But we did nothing in the park! EEK ! Nice to see them back together again.
Gets you right here.
"Go and enjoy some nice fresh air.
" Well, tha certainly looks as though tha's really enjoying it (!) All I want from life is to sit indoors and watch a bit of telly.
Come on! Let's start counting a few blessings.
One - she's a good cook.
Aye, she is.
Two - she is totally desirable.
She's a good cook.
Don't you ever look at her and think, "Here I am alone with this attractive woman"? No, never! It's more like "Here I am alone with this terrifying" Can't you find something to do!? I'm off for some fresh air! What are YOU doing? Well, it's a sort of pilgrimage.
Some people go to Elvis Presley's house.
I go to Nora Batty's steps.
You dozy beggar! Get away! You make the place look untidy.
I'm going, I'm going.
But I think I ought to warn you.
Warn me? About what? It's only fair you be warned.
I'll just say this - tha should be very careful of a certain person.
Who!? Me! Invite me out! I beg your pardon!? Ask me to go for a walk.
Howard, we are friends, but Make it sound natural.
It DOESN'T sound natural to me! Knock on the door and tell Pearl you're ready.
For what!? For a walk! I'm not going for a walk with Pearl! I'd rather go with you! You're GOING with me! Tell her you've come to call for me.
Oh! No, he's not going for a walk! And tell him to shut that window and get on with his housework! Ahem Have you anything on silent killing? If we HAVE, you'll find it under Sports and Pastimes.
How about unarmed combat for the over-60s? All I could find for the over-60s is old-time dancing.
You can hardly Veleta a mugger to death, can you? Haven't you anything on strangulation? It isn't as though I haven't been trained.
But maybe it's been updated.
Probably done by remote control now.
W-we have nothing of that nature Typical ! Shelves full of doctor and nurse romances! Just hard luck if you're interested in strangulation! Ah, well.
I'll have to stick to the old techniques.
HAI-EEE ! It was a perfectly routine request! It's ridiculous to suggest I was making a noise in the library! I was asking for books on silent killing! Does that sound like someone who'd make a noise in a library!? Silent killing!? You ARE weird! Weird!? I'll have you know that was my profession! I thought you had a duty to keep material for the benefit of the home hobbyist! ^ SMASHING PLATES PEARL: Don't give me that old rubbish! I'm sick of your lies! But One of those days, Howard? It's the only kind I get.
I don't know why, but she never believes a word I say.
Even when I'm lying.
And I'm pretty convincing when I'm lying.
No, you're not! See what I mean? How did YOU go on with lying when you were married? Well, I always found it easier to tell the truth.
That's a nice thing to say! You ask a friend for advice and he tells you stuff like that! Advice like that could kill you! Mind you, I didn't have a problem like Marina.
We had the Second World War, but that was over in a few years.
Is something wrong with the tea? No, it's fine.
You don't LOOK as if it's fine! It's a good cup of tea.
That man, what are you doing!? Sshhh! What's he doing!? He's listening at the door.
I can see that! But what's he listening FOR ? I think it's disgusting, listening at people's doors! Maybe there's something interesting going on.
That's no excuse.
SHUSH ! What is it? I can't hear anything.
What are we listening for? Be quiet! I think she's singing.
Nora Batty singing!? I could have sworn I heard her.
Ye gods! That's the most sinister thing I've ever heard! Do we have to? Yes! It won't hurt you once every 10 years.
What won't hurt him? Taking me shopping to Huddersfield.
Ten years? It seems like five! Two teas, please.
They don't like shopping.
They don't like ANYTHING normal.
Why do we have to go by bus? Because if we go by car we'll get halfway there and you'll start tinkering with the engine! Well, I am not taking you round Huddersfield covered in oil ! What kind of example is that to make .
.
when you're using a CREDIT CARD ? If I promise not to tinker, can we go by car? No! You can't resist it.
What's up with him? I don't know if there's anything.
I think he's ALWAYS like that.
I've had three customers turn round and go out! Take one look at a face like that, gives you no confidence in the catering standards.
Well, I didn't hear her singing.
Me neither, and I'm glad about that.
It's flying in the face of Nature, Nora Batty singing.
Well, I think I heard her singing.
It's unlikely.
WHY would she sing? Why would she sing? Because she's HAPPY because she's got a lodger! That's absurd! I've never known her to be happy! Have you? Never.
She's in love.
Yeah, with polished surfaces and clean steps.
With Smiler.
With Smiler!? Old happy-go-lucky Smiler (?) Why not? Because she chucks him out every morning at the crack of dawn! She bullies him rotten.
That could be just bluff.
'Morning, ladies.
'Morning, Eli.
'Morning, Eli.
'Morning, Eli.
Nobody in their right minds would fall in love with Smiler.
It would take someone who was very fond of depressed bloodhounds.
What do you think, Norm? He's right.
Smiler drove his wife so potty she went to Australia.
.
.
I wish I could be sure.
I promise, it really was Australia.
CRASH ! HELP ! There's something inside these railings grabbing me leg! 'Ey up! Is this Wesley in a soo-it? It's a day for surprises.
He wears it like a civilian.
He IS a civilian! And it shows.
Looks like someone died.
The suit! Wesley! We can't stand here gossiping! Where's tha going, Wesley? To Huddersfield - shopping! I'm sorry to hear that, Wesley.
If there's anything we can do to help Time is a great healer.
Are you coming!? OH !! THREE TEAS, PLEASE, IVY ! Does he LOOK happy? If his ears were a bit longer he'd look like a basset hound.
A sort of Down-in-the-Mush Puppy.
I still say it could be a bluff.
Why should it be a bluff!? It could be a mask he and Nora are hiding their happiness behind.
Oh! Here.
How long has he been here? Forever.
He comes in when Nora throws him out.
I wouldn't mind if he were cheerful, but he puts me customers off.
You see? I still say it could be a bluff.
Aw! Aw! Ivy, pardon me for asking, but could a woman of your age fall in love? Don't think I don't appreciate the offer, but no thanks! I'm speaking generally.
Oh, speaking generally? Fall in love? I don't think so.
It would require more confidence in the male than we have left! How can anyone call Smiler happy!? It's a terrible thing to say about ANYBODY ! You'd feel such a fool if everybody thought you were happy.
He's the last person in the world to accuse of being happy.
It could be a disguise! Then he's been wearing it forever.
The bottom dropped out of my world when I heard Nora Batty singing.
It doesn't mean she's entangled romantically with her lodger.
Then why was she singing!? There could be a number of reasons.
She could be in love with a number of people.
Stop upsetting him! I've got to be sure! Why don't you take my word for it? Have I ever put you wrong? All the time! I don't know how you can say that! I don't know how you could think that I would ever lead you wrong.
MARTIAL MUSIC You're in the hands of former Corporal Dewhurst, with all that means in terms of security PEEP !! There's only one way to settle this - ask him point-blank.
We Oh Oh, you again! Have you seen Smiler? I've seen too damn much of him! Where is he? I don't care where he is! I do! I care very much where he is! That man, come here! What do YOU want!? Don't speak to me in that seductive voice! I know what tha's up to! Just tell him to come outside! Tell who!? Don't give me that! After all we've been to each other! WHO'S been to each other!? Tell him I want a word with him! Tell who!? Thy lodger, the great long dollop! He's not in here.
You don't think he has privileges I wouldn't extend to me husband when he was alive? Are you sure? You wouldn't lie to me? Of course I'm sure.
Are you deaf or what? # Oh, today I feel so happy, So happy, so happy # She could be lying! You could be lying OH ! There we are.
And likewise.
You must admit Nora Batty didn't look as if she was in a singing mood.
Queen Boadicea, that's who Nora reminds me of.
I can see her scattering Romans with her wrinkled chariot.
So your problems are over.
She's obviously just as miserable as she always was.
Tha's not just saying that? No, no.
How much more miserable can a woman get? Nora has spent a lifetime extending the boundaries of lack of playfulness.
I admit she looked pretty miserable.
Very attractive but pretty miserable.
There you are.
Smiler's miserable, she's miserable.
Everybody's happy.
But they're not together, are they? They're miserable when they're apart, but what's it like when they're TOGETHER ? I'll have it out with him to his face! You can't reach his face! Look him straight in the navel.
I will, right in the belly-button.
You don't even know where he is.
In the library.
If he's not in the cafe, he'll be in the library.
Do we have to go to the library? I don't find them very helpful.
You've been thrown out again! It was a misunderstanding.
He has! He's been thrown out again! Did you ask for the Boys' Book of Bayonet Practice again? They don't cater for the warrior classes! Hiya, lads! Bit of oil on the suit.
Feels better already.
I thought you went to Huddersfield.
The bus broke down.
Look at the state of his suit! It was a right engine, was that.
It wasn't working, though! Engines have their off days, too.
Don't tell me about off days! Aw! What time is it? Twenty to two.
Ye gods, is that all it is!? Keep that civilian in uniform away from me.
I've no wish to harm him.
What's up with him? I think he's in love.
Well, he needn't look at me! He's not in love with you.
That's a relief! For me, too.
So why's he looking at me like that? He wants to ask you something.
What? What!? I've got to know, Smiler.
What!? WHAT !? Ask him and let's get out of here before I injure somebody! Is tha carrying on with Nora Batty? WHAT !!? Who said that!? It's a lie, a nightmare! How could you!? These hands are lethal weapons! His gob's pretty deadly an' all.
Thrown out of a library! I've told you before! I never opened my mouth! Well, SOMEBODY did! Go on, blame ME for it! POIGNANT MUSIC It's not just a library.
It's a little hideaway for me, a little place of refuge and warmth.
And now you've ruined it for me.
He didn't really answer, did he? He didn't say they WEREN'T having an affair.
Forget it! He's obviously in fear and trembling of Nora Batty! Which sounds reasonable to me.
That's what I've got to do - catch them together! Oh, give over! Norman, supposing they ARE happy together!? Happy together, Smiler and Nora!? Huh! The worst they can be is miserable together.
See!? They have so much in common! I can't do with this! My bird going out with other blokes! It's probably quite harmless.
He doesn't look like he's enjoying it.
He always looks the same! But that's not the expression of a lover.
What do you say, Clegg? Don't ask me.
I was never a lover.
I got married instead.
Well, we can't follow them on the bus.
They'll see us.
We must! I've got to KNOW ! Oh, all right, we'll head them off.
There's a bus coming! It's only a bus.
But someone on it may see us and tell Pearl ! Oh, Marina! Oh, Howard Howard and Marina's.
Well, they won't need them for a while.
She's going into church.
They're getting married! They are not! I bet they are! It's the wrong time of day for it.
Maybe there's a reduction.
She's a great one for reductions.
I'll go and see.
Oh, I daren't go.
With a record like you've got, I'm not surprised.
What will I tell Pearl ? Just tell her your bike's been stolen.
She'll want to know where I was when it was stolen.
Tell her you were in the park! Couldn't I tell her I lost it outside Woolworth's? It sounds less intimate than a park.
She's bound to think I was up to something in the park.
Well, she'll be wrong, won't she? They're just cleaning and polishing.
But why would she need Smiler? He's the only one tall enough to reach the cobwebs.
That makes sense.
Happy now? Every day is Christmas! Look out! They ARE our bicycles! But what are they doing here? Our bicycles came to church, Howard! Are they telling us something? But we did nothing in the park! EEK ! Nice to see them back together again.
Gets you right here.