South Park s14e03 Episode Script

All characters and events in this show--Even those based on real people are entirely fictional.
All celebrity voices are impersonatedpoorly.
The following program contains coarse language and due to its content it should not be viewed by anyone.
I'm goin' down to south park gonna have myself a time friendly faces everywhere h umble folks without temptation goin' down to south park gonna leave my woes behind ample parking day or night people spouting howdy neighbor heading on up to south park gonna see if I can't unwind come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine Oh,I wish I could exercise with the rest of the team,coach.
But I've got such a belly ache.
You seem to have a stomach ache every time we do drills and exercises.
I know,it sucks! Alright,kids.
Practice is over for today.
Kfc! Oh boy!Oh boy! I'm gonna get a three-Piece meal and crispy strips! Cartman,you only come to soccer practice on fridays, And that's only because we get to have kentucky fried chicken afterwards! Shut up,you shifty jew! I'll kill you! Oh sorry,sorry.
I just-- You know when I've been waiting too long for the colonel's chicken, I get easily agitated.
You're a kenny! Ugh.
Sorry.
Oh,here we are!Here we are! Hey,it looks different.
Hey,uh,what's up with the KFC? Oh,it's not a KFC anymore.
It's a medicinal marijuana dispensary.
A what? Dude,what the?What the? So where's the KFC now? Alright,boys,wait out here.
Let me see what's going on.
Can I help you,sir? Yeah,uh,we were actually looking to get some KFC.
Oh,yeah.
Sorry,that's gone.
We only sell marijuana here.
Really? I'm mean,you're openly selling pot for reals? Sure.
New state laws say it's okay.
Woo-Hoo,alright! I love the future! Let's see,I'll take half a pound of that jamaican passion And gimme some of that purplish stuff too! Alright.
I'll just need to see your physician's reference.
My huh? Well,sir,we can't just sel the marijuana to anybody.
You need a reference from your doctor to show it's necessary.
Oh,that's dumb.
Okay,okay,I'll be right back - What'd they say? - Kfc's gone.
Been replaced.
That can't do that! This is the only KFC in all of south park.
Yeah,well,I gotta get to the doctor.
The doctor?But dad,we wanna eat first.
I gotta get to the doctor.
So no KFC? This is a nightmare.
This is a nightmare and I can't wake up! Well,mr.
Marsh,it looks like you are in perfect health.
Your blood work came back great,and all your vitals appear normal.
Alright! Yup,you check out fine.
That's great.
So can I get a referral from you? For what? Medicinal marijuana.
There's a shop that opened in the old KFC And they said I need a doctor's referral to buy weed.
Mr.
Marsh,you don't qualify for medicinal marijuana.
But you said I'm totally healthy! Medicinal marijuana is for people who aren't healthy! Aids patients,cancer patients.
You know?People going through chemo.
The thc helps them eat and take the pain.
You are in fine shape! Wul,that sucks.
Wul,so,doctor,how do most people get cancer? Well,there's a lot of ways you can get cancer.
Yeah,but what's the quickest way? The what? Wul,like,what forms of cancer induce in time *** For the ziggy marley concert next saturday in denver? Mom,drive faster.
The KFC in salida is a long way away,sweetie.
Be patient.
Shut up and drive faster! I've been waiting for chicken too long! Eric,we're almost to frisco.
Why don't we just go to the church's fried chicken there? What? Church's fried chicken tastes like cat! Alright,honey,let's take it easy.
**** you! No!No!What's going on? Move aside! It's closed,kid.
There's nothing in there.
No,you can't do this.
The KFC in my town is closed,too! Yeah.
Well,that's because of the vote last november to ban fast food in low income areas.
You mean I have to drive all the way to denver to get chicken? No!You don't get it kid.
Kfcs were only in low income areas.
In the entire state of colorado,kentucky fried chicken is illegal.
Noooo! Dad,mom says to stop trying to give yourself cancer.
Just gonna get a little bit of cancer,stan.
Tell mom it's okay.
Methadone clinic Can I help you? I need -- Somebody said you could help me.
I have to have -- I haven't had KFC in almost a week.
Alright,sign your name on the release form,put down the time.
- Really? - Your birth year,and we'll get you through the next 24 hours.
What are you serious? ** Oh my god!That's KFC gravy! You have KFC.
Yes! This is it? One lousy little cup of gravy? This is a clinic to help you get over your addiction.
Who wants just gravy? It goes on mashed potatoes! On extra crispy chicken skin! If you don't want it,that's fine.
No! Oh god.
It's so good.
Frozen and processed foods appear to have a direct link To many forms of stomach and colon cancers.
Alright.
Tests show that preservatives found in these foods are the leading cause.
However,luckily,most of these cancers are slow growing and can take years to develop.
Damit.
Testicular cancer.
Most common in older men,and can be extremely aggressive.
Oh this is good.
There is no data on what causes testicular cancer to grow so rapidly.
However,the primary causes of testicular cancer are linked to Or an exposure to high doses of radiation.
Oh,hey,stan.
Could you grab me a beer? Stan? Sharon!Hey,hey,Sharon! What? Mr.
Marsh,I'm afraid that the tests came back positive.
You do have testicular cancer.
Score! Now,the good news is it hasn't spread anywhere.
We should probably schedule to have them removed Yeah,yeah,but for now can I finally get my prescription please? Your prescription for what? Buffalo soldier in the heart of america *** Stolen from africa brought to america *** She was fightin' on arrival *** friend and a half ounce of alabama kush! Oh,that is nice.
That is nice.
Randy?Jesus,Randy! - Your balls! - I know! Smoking pot right in front of a cop! Pretty sweet,huh? No,I mean your actual balls! Oh yeah.
Testicular cancer.
Here you want some? Oh wait!You're healthy! Hey bust his ass,officer! Ha ha.
Hey kid,they say you're looking for some KFC.
- Yeah,who isn't? - Yeah.
Well,uh,we got some over at billy miller's house.
Billy miller?Seriously? Ahh,eric cartman,right? Tommy said you have some KFC.
Sure.
Jessie? Oh my god,colonel's popcorn chicken and honey mustard sauce! Oh god yes! Where did you get that? I have my sources.
That'll be $85.
I don't have that! Hold on,hold on.
You're a big boy,eric.
Maybe you can pay me back another way.
Do a little job for me.
I've got some serious KFC coming in from a dealer.
I need somebody willing to get a little risky and pick it up.
How much KFC are we talking? Two buckets plus a three-Piece meal and four sides.
Holy,dude.
I've got the money to pay for it,but it's become a risky business out there.
You get the chicken for me and I'll make sure you are hooked up for life.
Do you wanna do it? Do I wanna do it? Does the pope help pedophiles Excellent Alright,see ya tomorrow! Oh god I gotta hurry! Caprica starts in five minutes! Ho,jesus! Oh,hey,could somebody Aw,I gotta get home.
Hey,hey.
This can work.
This can -- Hey,it's like a hoppity hop! Are you t-Bag? Maybe I am.
Who's askin'? Cut the crap.
You got the stuff? Oh,I got the hook-Up.
Question is,you got the money? Alright.
We in biz.
It's all there,man.
Extra crispy,right? Course,man.
I ain't no fool.
You trying to me,dude? This is cut with boston market gravy! Aw,it's all the same man.
It is not the same! Okay,okay!I'm sorry,yo! You're cuttin' colonel's gravy with boston market To try and save yourself some money! I'll take back the gravy.
Like anybody wants KFC without gravy! Ahghg!Please!Please,I'm sorry! Take your money! The KFC too! What's going on back there? Nothin'.
It's cool.
Alright,I'll call.
Ah man.
This rainy day woman is the bomb.
You guys don't know what you're missing.
Well,you know,you could share some of that with us,Randy.
No,nelson,that's illegal.
I can smoke this because I have cancer.
- Aw come on,just give us a little bit! - Yeah.
Get your own medicinal marijuana cards! You've all got perfectly good microwaves at home.
Look,I'm telling you guys it's awesome.
I can have all the pot I want.
I get around faster than walking and whenever I need a seat, I can just sit on my balls.
Lemme tell you something else.
Chicks love em.
Women love huge balls? Love 'em.
Everywhere I go when I walk by, Chicks are like turning their heads and going 'whaaa'? I never knew how much women loved guys' balls until I got these puppies.
Travis,did you take out the garba -- Whaaa? See? Cartman,my boy!You got the stuff! Yeah,I got the stuff and I got the money.
Hey,you're good,eric.
I need people like you.
Good,cuz I ate a bunch of the chicken on the way over here.
That's alright,eric.
I've got something big in the works.
What if I told you that I now how a direct line to get all the KFC we want here? I'm sending tommy to kentucky to try And set up a little arrangement with the colonel himself.
Wait a minute.
You mean the colonel? That's right.
And I'd like you to go as well and watch tommy's back for me.
Is that something you'd want to do? Is that something I'd want to do? *** Is the pope catholic? And making the world safe for pedophiles? Excellent.
Doctor,mister kline's test results came in.
What the hell is going on? Doctor? This is the tenth case I've seen this week.
It can't be a coincidence.
Something in this town is giving men testicular cancer.
Man,I am stoned off my ass! I'm stoned off my balls! Ha ha ha ha.
Anybody got more of that loompa loompa weed? Wow,those guys have nice balls.
Wish my man had balls like those,mmmm.
Corbin,kentucky Our entire production is headquartered here,boys.
We move over 16 tons of chicken every month.
Of course,with the new laws in colorado,my business has taken quite a hit.
I'm worried other states might follow suit.
We know,colonel.
But we can get your chicken into the state.
We just need a bulk deal.
Say $4.
95 a ki? I've got to hand it to you,colonel.
You have everything I man could want.
I like you,eric.
There is no lying in you.
Unfortunately,I don't feel the same way about your friend.
Who?You mean tommy? Wait!Where'd he go? ** Your partner is an informant for jamie oliver.
Ha ha haaaa!Dude,that was sweet! He's all choked! How do I know you're not a liar,too? Hey,colonel.
I've been your biggest supporter since I was two years old.
I love your chicken.
I love you.
I think you and me can work this thing out.
Do business together a long time.
Good.
Just remember,I only tell you one time, Don't me,eric.
Don't you ever try to me.
Randy! Randy,will you look at yourself? Your balls are getting bigger! I know,they're pretty swollen.
Kinda hurts,I'm gonna go buy some more weed.
Randy,please! When you get back,do you think maybe we could make love again? Ohh,someone's feeling frisky again,huh? Oh,it's just that I thought some more alone time could maybe be really Hey,my eyes are up here.
- I'm sorry.
I just - It's alright.
I just want you to look at me when we make love and not just at my balls.
I'll be home soon,babe.
Hey,uh,could you get me half a pound of that suburban sunrise,please? I'm sorry,sir,but you have to be inside the store.
Wul,ugh,I'm right here.
Can you just bring it over Selling medicinal marijuana outside the confines of an approved shop is still illegal.
***** Look,I'm starting to feel kind of stupid.
Can I please get high? What,are you crazy,eric? Making a deal with the colonel for 10,000 more boxes? I can't move that much chicken! Will you relax,billy?It's fine.
Fine! I'm not making any money here.
I'm losing it! I have to pay for more security! I got the cops up my ass! And I have to pay for all these sorters to cut the chicken for distribution! Billy,billy.
We've got to be thinking bigger here.
It's time to expand! How can I expand when 36% of our product is going to you? Get out there and sell the chicken,or get lost! You've forgotten who the boss of this operation is,eric! Yeah,well.
You're not going to be around a lot longer.
What is that supposed to mean? I told your mom you got an f on that social studies test.
You wouldn't do that.
Does a bear crap in the woods? And does the pope crap on the broken lives and dreams of 200 deaf boys? Billy!Your father and I want to talk to you! Bye bye,billy.
Alright everyone listen up! I'm in charge now.
Anybody got a problem with that? Alright.
Good.
- What do we want? - Bigger doors! - Where do we want em? - Weed stores! - What do we want? - Bigger doors! - Where do we want 'em? - Weed stores! Look,I'm sorry,but the bill says I can't modify any existing structure! Well,I guess we could change the law to allow for medicinal marijuana To be sold just outside the door of the shop.
I don't know.
Maybe the rule should be somebody can buy the medicinal weed for others.
Look,can't we skip all this and just make pot legal? Everyone is just abusing this medicinal system anyway.
It's ridiculous.
What's ridiculous about it? Hold on!Hold on people,please! We are all forgetting what is really at issue here! Look around! These men all have cancer.
It's no coincidence that when this building changed,the rise in cancer went up.
Don't you see? The KFC was keeping people healthy! Mr.
Cartman,come on.
We're supposed to be handling the business.
You're eating too much of the stuff.
Shut up,kevin.
I'm the boss not you,buttlicker.
Eric!The colonel is on the phone for you.
He sounds pissed.
What?Oh,that's right.
I forgot the -- Dammit! Okay.
Put him on speaker.
Hello? Hello? Colonel,how're you doing? What happened? Ohh,we had some problems,you know.
Colonel? Eric,what happened? We had a little problem.
I heard.
Yeah,how'd you hear that? Because jamie oliver gave his speech at the u.
N.
Today.
He was not supposed to give that speech,eric.
Yeah,it's okay.
We'll get him next time.
There wont be a next time, you *** cocksucker! Hey, take it easy, colonel! I told you a long time ago, you fucking little monkey, not to fuck with me.
Hey! Hey, who the fuck you think you're talking to? Oh crap.
It's the cops! Run, jimmy, run! Mommy! Nooo! Last november this town passed a bill that seemed silly to some.
Since then we've had underground black markets,crime,death and shootings.
But now the bill has been repealed, And I am relieved to announce that once again marijuana is illegal! And an other bill has been repealed as well.
Cause ever since we got rid of KFC,we've seen a great rise in cancer.
But today we welcome back KFC, And all the medical benefits it gives us! Well,I got to admit,it's a lot easier to get in doors with my little prosthetic balls.
Yeah,great.
Oh Sharon,don't be upset.
The doctor made you a souvenir.
Oh Randy,I love it! And when it gets cold it shrinks.
Sharon,you got a scrotum coat? Yup! Lucky.